There is a lot of buzz around “secure attachment” that commonly gets misconstrued in the parenting space and on social media. I speak with Jamie, a registered child psychologist and mom to discuss how we can create connection and attachment without losing ourselves

We discuss:

• Misconceptions about secure attachment
• How to foster secure attachment in our everyday lives
• What emotional responsiveness is

Connect with Jamie via her website www.imaginepsychology.com or Instagram @imaginepsychology

00;00;01;02 – 00;00;28;19

Jamie

Secure attachment is an attachment style and parenting that we kind of say is what we are striving towards. It is an attachment style where there is that emotional responsiveness between caregiver towards child. It is a caregiver that is consistently meeting the needs of the child, both emotional and physical. There’s that emotional attunement there, providing that sense of safety and security to their child.

 

00;00;28;22 – 00;00;48;18

Dr. Mona

Hey everyone. Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk Podcast. This podcast continues to grow because of you and your reviews and your shares on social media. So thank you so much for tuning in and being here today. I am so lucky to have the most amazing guests from all over the world chat with me about parenting, health, education for parents.

 

00;00;48;24 – 00;01;14;02

Dr. Mona

And today’s guest is Jamie, a registered child psychologist, a mom and soon to be mom of two who lives and practices in Alberta, Canada. And we are talking about how to create connection and attachment with your child without losing yourself. So thank you so much for joining me today, Jamie.

 

Jamie

Thank you so much for having me. I am so excited to chat with you.

 

00;01;14;02 – 00;01;32;29

Dr. Mona

I love having people on my podcast who share the love of children. Obviously I would not have it any other way. Not only are you a mom, but you work as a child psychologist, so you are deep into all of this work with attachment and connection and just helping families as a whole. Introduce yourself a little bit more.

 

00;01;32;29 – 00;01;55;03

Dr. Mona

Tell me more about yourself and our listeners on why you do what you do and what makes you so passionate about this topic in particular. 

 

Jamie

Yeah, I know, thank you. I know, like you said, I’m a registered child psychologist here in Alberta and I specialize in working with young children. And a big part of what I do is supporting parents through that parenting journey.

 

00;01;55;05 – 00;02;20;04

Jamie

And I have such a passion for fostering that connection and attachment between caregiver and child. And I love working with young children and young families because I feel like I get to be part of laying a really strong foundation for them as they’re continuing to raise their children, and it’s great to start at a really, really young age, sometimes as early as infancy.

 

00;02;20;04 – 00;02;41;20

Jamie

So yes, it’s an area that I love to work in, and it’s an absolute honor getting to support parents through that journey. 

 

Dr. Mona

Oh me too. I love going downstream as much as possible to this early years because yes, the foundation is so important, and I often find that a lot of the philosophies and parenting principles that I hold now are actually things that are useful for teenagers and for our peers, right?

 

00;02;41;20 – 00;03;07;05

Dr. Mona

Like just how we approach communication and feelings and all of that. And, you know, we’re going to be talking about that connection and attachment with children. I know we could have chosen. So many other topics, but this was something that was really important. I know speaking to someone who is a psychologist, but also who’s a mom as well, I know you’ve been there through that sort of balance with attachment with the child, maintaining your identity as a mom in particular, and everything that we’re talking about today.

 

00;03;07;05 – 00;03;31;01

Dr. Mona

As a reminder to all of my amazing listeners, this is not personal therapy, personal advice, personal medical advice, nothing. This is just us having a conversation about attachment and, you know, everything that comes with that. So again, just thanks again for joining us. So the first thing I wanted to ask is how can we create connection and attachment and maybe sort of like debunking some misconceptions you may have heard about attachment.

 

00;03;31;01 – 00;03;57;21

Dr. Mona

When you have people come into your office. 

 

Jamie

Yeah, absolutely. And I think there are so many wonderful and beautiful ways to kind of create and foster that connection and attachment. And I’ll get to that in a second. I think it’s really important to first of all understand, like what is secure attachment and connection and potentially what it’s not, because I’ve also been just hearing and kind of seeing a lot of misconceptions around what that is.

 

00;03;57;24 – 00;04;21;18

Jamie

So first of all, when we’re looking at secure attachment, secure attachment is an attachment style and parenting that we kind of say is what we are striving towards. It is an attachment style where there is that emotional responsiveness between caregiver towards child. It is a caregiver that is consistently meeting the needs of the child, both emotional and physical.

 

00;04;21;20 – 00;04;43;07

Jamie

There’s that emotional attunement. They’re providing that sense of safety and security to their child. So that’s what it is. I’m going to touch a little bit more about what that is, because there’s a beautiful framework that highlights it perfectly. But I want to talk a little bit about misconceptions, and I would love for you to kind of chime in and tune and see kind of what you’re seeing as well.

 

00;04;43;28 – 00;05;16;07

Jamie

But what I’m seeing is I think there’s this misunderstanding or this term of attachment has kind of been, misunderstood in a way. I think there’s kind of been this, feeling that attachment parenting means that you need to always be, like, physically attached to your child, especially right from infancy. But there’s so much more to attachment than just being, like, physically attached to them and about bonding with them.

 

00;05;16;13 – 00;05;47;28

Jamie

There is also that emotional piece to it. And so I think looking at it’s it’s so much more than just that physical piece to it. We want kids to be able to feel safe to explore the world around them. We have to have that attunement. The other thing that I see sometimes is that in order to achieve secure attachment, you have to be either physically present with or like engage with your child 100% of the time, right?

 

00;05;48;01 – 00;06;12;02

Jamie

And that’s so not what is needed to achieve that secure attachment. Or is it a reasonable expectation to have on yourself? And I think if we kind of go into it with the idea that we need to be engaged and present with our child all the time, or that we even need to be, quote unquote, the perfect parent who never loses their cool or who doesn’t really share their own emotions.

 

00;06;12;04 – 00;06;48;16

Jamie

I think that really perpetuates those feelings of shame and guilt that so many parents experience. Right? Oh, you know, so all of those things like, we don’t need that to achieve secure attachment. The other thing that I kind of see as a misconception is about what does emotional responsiveness actually mean? And so I think there has been a beautiful shift from like, more of that punitive kind of parenting style to the idea of like, yes, we want to welcome all of those feelings, which is wonderful.

 

00;06;48;18 – 00;07;20;00

Jamie

But along with that, we also do need to have limits around that. We need to consistently have those boundaries and expectations in place. So sometimes what I see is, well, I don’t want my child to ever be upset because that’ll interfere with our attachment. It’s like if they’re upset with me or they don’t like the boundary that I’m holding, or that’s going to harm our attachment or connection, that’s like the furthest thing from the truth.

 

00;07;20;02 – 00;07;45;03

Jamie

It’s actually saying like, hey, I am that person who is going to help to guide you, to teach you, to help you know that there are limits, there are boundaries, and I’m going to help you understand that and guide you through that. And so I think there’s kind of that sense of sometimes a turning into being almost overly responsive or even permissive, you know, in a sense.

 

00;07;45;04 – 00;08;00;10

Jamie

And so I think those are kind of the misconceptions that I’ve been seeing. I’m not sure if you have noticed any other ones, but those are kind of the main ones that I’ve been noticing. 

 

Dr. Mona

Oh, absolutely. You started off by saying, I’m not sure if this is going to be something you’ll notice. And I was like, oh, let’s see.

 

00;08;00;10 – 00;08;23;09

Dr. Mona

And I completely agree. You know, I, as a pediatrician, take care of a lot of families, from all different walks of life and all different parts of this country where I’m reporting in America, and I’ve realized that what you’re saying is something that is common feelings in many families when it’s not true. You know, like the biggest ones being the feeling or need to be physically attached to your child at all times.

 

00;08;23;09 – 00;08;44;17

Dr. Mona

And I’ll get into little nuance of this, the need to be physically attached and always in your child’s face. And then, yes, that third thing about emotional responsiveness. I only have a son who’s two and a half, but I do believe that we have created this reality that he is so secure with his emotions and securely attached to us, but we do not do any of the subscriptions to the okay.

 

00;08;44;17 – 00;09;06;15

Dr. Mona

We have to be attached physically. We allow him space to feel his feelings. You know, all the things. We were not in his face all the time. And I think there is a developmental benefit of having secure attachment, but also allowing your child some space as well. And I say space not only physical space, but also emotional space, meaning, hey, you’re going to feel some feelings.

 

00;09;06;22 – 00;09;26;25

Dr. Mona

I don’t always have to fix things for you or do things for you. You can be frustrated. You can be angry, you can be upset. But I’m here for you. Like you said beautifully, as the person who guides this family and guides you on boundaries. But sometimes you’re just not going to always love everything and that is okay.

 

00;09;26;26 – 00;09;42;16

Dr. Mona

That is okay. I know you still love me, and when a parent can kind of remember that, I think they’re going to make the most breakthroughs that you have to disassociate that just because your child doesn’t like what you do all the times, you’re still going to create secure attachment. They are still going to trust you and love you.

 

00;09;42;16 – 00;10;03;27

Dr. Mona

If you’re consistent with boundaries and you’re consistent with expectations, you know in terms of how you approach the style and situations in your parenting journey. 

 

Jamie

Absolutely. And the other thing that I was going to talk about, because I think it’s also important to understand, like, really what is secure attachment. And there is a really beautiful framework or model called a circle of security parenting.

 

00;10;04;04 – 00;10;22;06

Jamie

And so this is one I wish podcast could have, like, you know, a visual component to it because I’m a hand gesture kind of gal. So you can see me, there’s a lot of hand gestures going on, so hopefully I can kind of explain what this kind of framework is. If not, please Google circle of security parenting afterwards.

 

00;10;22;06 – 00;10;47;20

Jamie

And they’ll be photos of kind of the diagram that I’m explaining that basically in this framework, they depict it as a circle. So at the beginning of this circle is us, the caregivers. And they kind of depict this with open hands. Right? When there’s a secure attachment, there is a secure base starting from the parent. And so this is when we are emotionally attuned or responding to need.

 

00;10;47;23 – 00;11;11;21

Jamie

We are communicating whether that’s actually verbally or non-verbally to our child that the world is safe to explore. We are trusting our child’s natural instincts of discovery, assessing risk, all those kind of things. There’s a very secure base. The child then feels safe enough to explore the world around them. So that’s kind of like the first half of the circle.

 

00;11;11;23 – 00;11;40;13

Jamie

So when they’re out exploring, they feel safe to do so. And when they’re out, you’re kind of watching over them. Maybe you are helping them when needed again, not jumping to conclusions or jumping to oh my goodness, don’t do this. Stop doing that. It’s helping when needed enjoying and what they’re doing just watching over them. But then there’s the other side to the circle, or we’re coming back to caregiver or the caregiver is then the safe haven.

 

00;11;40;15 – 00;12;06;09

Jamie

Right. And so whether that is I am having trouble navigating the situation, I don’t know if I have the skills to be able to do this, or I’m having some pretty big feelings here. They’re not coming back. And that safe haven is how are we responding to our children? Right? Is that am I a safe person to return back to with all those feelings?

 

00;12;06;11 – 00;12;35;19

Jamie

How are you going to respond to me when I’ve potentially made a mistake? I’ve made a choice that I am not necessarily proud of or wanted to do. How are you responding to that? And so that’s secure. Attachment A really is it’s that safety to move away from caregiver exploring that world, but also coming back to them, knowing that no matter the feeling, no matter what happened, like our relationship is still okay.

 

00;12;35;22 – 00;12;58;00

Jamie

Right. So I think it’s a beautiful way to kind of see it. And I think that when we look at other attachment styles, part of that circle is kind of missing, right? It’s either all kids aren’t feeling necessarily safe enough to leave a caregiver to go explore that world, but also be or they’re not responding in a way that is, you know, emotionally supportive or is consistent.

 

00;12;58;07 – 00;13;19;06

Jamie

Right. So I think is a beautiful way to kind of depict what secure attachment actually is. 

 

Dr. Mona

I love how you talk about that because it is a circle, right? It’s not a square. It’s not a line. It’s all connected. Right. Because if a child feels secure to leave the home and explore, and then they’re also comfortable to come back to their parent emotionally, figuratively, physically.

 

00;13;19;06 – 00;13;36;29

Dr. Mona

Right. There’s so much when we talk about that coming back. But when they have that feeling of comfort going back to their caregiver, but also feeling comfort in leaving, it feeds itself in this beautiful attached in a healthy way. Right? Because like you said earlier, you know, there’s a misconception that secure attachment is that you are physically attached.

 

00;13;37;00 – 00;14;05;01

Dr. Mona

Now, if a family likes that, where they feel that the physical attachment gives their child secure attachment, that’s okay. But I look at a lot of parenting from an evolutionary perspective. Parenting is not new, right? People had children before social media and before the internet. And how when your child starts to physically begin to move, right? Like crawling, rolling, especially that crawling and walking, this is a physical sign that this child is wanting to explore their world.

 

00;14;05;01 – 00;14;19;19

Dr. Mona

And as a parent, I think it’s really important to allow them to explore the world with the understanding that you can’t let them get a job and, you know, do anything as an infant. But we want to teach them that, yes, you are okay, that you may stumble when you try to walk, but you can’t figure out how to walk.

 

00;14;19;19 – 00;14;49;11

Dr. Mona

That I will help you if you need it, but it’s okay to explore the world around you. And like you said, that I will be there for you if you need me. And I grew up in a household that had the ladder where I got so much encouragement to explore the world, but I didn’t get that emotional attachment of hey, it’s okay to feel your feelings and when you are raised like that, I think many people who have that sort of friction in their raising as a kid can agree that you feel something’s lacking in that circle, right?

 

00;14;49;11 – 00;15;09;26

Dr. Mona

It’s not a circle. It’s a hey, I feel comfortable exploring the world, but sometimes I’m going to need someone to go back to and just listen to my feelings and just be a safe emotional space, right? Whether it’s physical or emotional. And that is the beauty. And I love the way you frame it as a circle. And eventually, hopefully, by the way, I’ll have visual aspect of this podcast.

 

00;15;09;26 – 00;15;25;05

Dr. Mona

So maybe I’ll have you come on again and we’ll record this with a video to, to, demonstrate what you’re talking about. But I completely understood just by your description. 

 

Jamie

And you can see my beautiful hand gestures that we’re getting along with that. There’s a lot of hand gestures going on. 

 

Dr. Mona

Yes, but no, it’s so beautiful. I think it’s,

 

00;15;25;09 – 00;16;01;08

Dr. Mona

Again, it’s such a beautiful way to frame it. And I think that there again, is that sort of understanding that it all feeds into each other, and it is something that is important and I guess one of the big questions that always comes up in families and discussions is that balance, right? That how do I make it that my child knows that they are safe to explore and that they should explore the world, but that I am their home and that they can always come to me, whether they are nine months old and crawling or whether they are 28 and married, that there is a secure, healthy attachment there, I guess.

 

00;16;01;10 – 00;16;23;16

Dr. Mona

What would be your favorite ways to kind of foster that attachment? 

 

Jamie

Yeah, and I think when you look at fostering attachment and connection, there’s so many even like small moments throughout the day where you can do it. It’s not like there’s 1 or 2 things or has to do these grand gestures that show, yes, this is me connecting with my child like it’s a small little moments throughout the day.

 

00;16;23;18 – 00;16;41;22

Jamie

And so even looking at like in the day, I think there’s some really great times where like having some very intentional time to connect kind of sets the tone for the day or kind of sets the tone for the evening before sleep. So I always say like some of the best times to connect are first thing in the morning.

 

00;16;41;22 – 00;17;05;01

Jamie

When your child wakes up. I think mealtimes are a beautiful time to connect. I think the other time is like that. After school or daycare kind of time again. They might have been gone from you for parts of the day. It’s like, how do we reestablish that connection that moment? And then also bedtime like that. Time is just the most beautiful time to be able to connect.

 

00;17;05;06 – 00;17;31;21

Jamie

But it is. It’s a smaller moments throughout the day and connection can come in. So many different ways. One is physical touch. And again, this is done with consent and the inappropriate kind of ways. But we know that physical touch is such an important part of children in regulating them. Yeah. So physical touch can look very different, especially from obviously infancy.

 

00;17;31;23 – 00;17;58;05

Jamie

And as children are growing older. But where’s that physical touch? Whether that’s cuddling with them, whether it’s holding hands, whether it’s hugs, whether it’s kisses, whether it’s just like being in close proximity to each other, that physical touch throughout the day. The other thing is a small little things of like curiosity, wanting to get to know your child and what they’re finding interesting.

 

00;17;58;08 – 00;18;27;17

Jamie

How are they viewing the world, noticing what they’re doing, like those small little things where it’s like, man, you are working really, really hard on that. You have such an imagination there. I love what you were doing. Tell me about that. Like there’s that curiosity. The other thing, too, is really communicating to your child just how special they are to you, how meaningful that relationship is, and just how much they are.

 

00;18;27;17 – 00;18;51;10

Jamie

Cherish. And again, it doesn’t have to be this big, overt grand gestures. And I often see it’s like for me to show that I care for my child, it must mean I give materialistic kind of things right? It’s like I have to show them love through toys and gifts. Part of that is just even communicating non-verbally by like an empathetic gaze or a look at your child.

 

00;18;51;29 – 00;19;20;17

Jamie

Right. That’s smiling when they’re looking at you smiling or when they’re showing you something. It can be that verbal feedback of like man I just love you so much or I love spending time with you. I love getting to connect with you. Right. So just communicating how much that relationship means to you sometimes even exploring together. One of the ways I love to connect is getting to like, tell stories and reminiscing.

 

00;19;20;17 – 00;19;40;22

Jamie

So my son’s only three. But we love like talking about previous experiences that we’ve had. It’s like, oh, remember that time we were in San Diego? Yeah. You know, he’ll he’ll talk about all the things that we did. Yeah. It’s kind of remembering those moments that we had together. But it also consolidates memories, which is also very important for children.

 

00;19;40;24 – 00;20;06;08

Jamie

Another way is music, right? Getting to connect through music. And I do follow you on Instagram. So I do know your love of Encanto. Yeah, everything music, dance and music. We’re big on that. Yes. Everything music. And so even just this past week, I’m a very big Sound of Music fan, and my son has now also recently shown a very strong love and interest in it.

 

00;20;06;08 – 00;20;30;03

Jamie

And I think every morning now we’ve listened to The Lonely Goatherd song and getting to connect with him through that, because of course I know all the words and all the lyrics and all those things connecting through that. Right. So connecting to music, the other thing too, is having those consistent routines and structure and those consistent boundaries and follow through.

 

00;20;30;05 – 00;21;13;24

Jamie

That’s actually a huge part of fostering attachment and connection. Right. And the one last thing I want to touch on is one of the most important times and most meaningful times to connect, but probably one of the most difficult times to connect is when our kids are having a hard time, right? It’s like when those big feelings are coming up, when they’ve made a mistake, when they’re maybe not at their best as being there to kind of discipline through connection, letting them know, like, hey, no matter how bad this is getting, no matter how big these feelings are, no matter what’s going on, our relationship can withstand this.

 

00;21;13;26 – 00;21;39;14

Jamie

And I’m always going to be there to support you through it. Right? I think that’s actually where kids get the biggest signal of. Right. Okay. Yeah. My parents, they are there to support me no matter what. And that’s kind of the biggest thing in connection for sure. 

 

Dr. Mona

And I love everything you mentioned, because when you describe it as part of our routine, right, it doesn’t make it seem any harder.

 

00;21;39;14 – 00;21;57;29

Dr. Mona

Right? Because I think sometimes I feel like we mentioned one of the misconceptions earlier that I have to carve out this extra long time and of course plays important, but you are going to be able to create those connection moments. Like you said, through everything you mentioned was a routine in a daily life, right? You wake up, you have to wake up.

 

00;21;57;29 – 00;22;21;28

Dr. Mona

That’s your routine. You have breakfast or a meal. That’s a routine, right? You come back from school, that’s when you are apart and come back together. I agree with that. Like any time that your child is reunited with you, whether it’s you’re working outside the home and you come home or whether you’re picking them up from school, all of those moments I think are so special, like even from a young age, like if you have an infant and you’re listening to this, like if you come through the door, be happy to see them, like, right?

 

00;22;21;28 – 00;22;43;04

Dr. Mona

Be happy. Like even if you had a really hard day, I know that’s really hard to put that aside, but the first thing your child can see is that even though you had a hard day, oh, this is pretty awesome. My mom came to greet me and got connection. And of course we’re going to have bad moments and difficult moments, but it really helps them understand that, oh yeah, this is a safe space that my mom is back and this is great.

 

00;22;43;10 – 00;23;04;23

Dr. Mona

And then bedtime, like you said. And that can really help where you don’t feel like you’re losing yourself in the process. Because I do feel like I don’t know if you agree, but a lot of maybe first time parents, but a lot of new parents sometimes feel because of these expectations that I got to play with my kid at all times and they got to be physically attached, that you can start to lose yourself in terms of what you need, right?

 

00;23;04;23 – 00;23;22;23

Dr. Mona

You’re afraid to take time away from them. You maybe feel like, well, if I take your time away from them and they cry for me, that I’m depriving them of me. No. Like you’re leaving them with another caregiver, right? I’m assuming. I hope so. I would hope that you understand that your child is still going to be connected with you when you see them again, right?

 

00;23;22;23 – 00;23;41;29

Dr. Mona

Like I worked outside the home, and I’ve had a job where I’m not always home. But I can tell you and I’m sure you can agree, you also are working outside the home, that it’s okay if you’re not spending so much time with your child. It’s that quality that you’re spending with them that you know, I put my phone away and I really try, like you said, to really get to talk to Ryaan.

 

00;23;41;29 – 00;24;03;24

Dr. Mona

And it’s fun, like he’s two and a half. And like you said, you can really learn about their day if you just, you know, chat with them and say, you remember when we went to Bahamas and you remember this and the bucket fell on your head and, you know, water went everywhere like it’s such a beautiful thing. And it can be done when you remove the expectation that it has to be X amount of time, it has to be this and make it part of your routine.

 

00;24;03;24 – 00;24;26;00

Dr. Mona

And I’m sure you realize that too. And when you’re expecting another child, I know that’s going to be how we maintain that attachment, that it’s not about time, it’s about quality. And that quality is possible even if you have ten minutes of a dinner time or, you know, right before bedtime, like you’re going to have meaningful moments that you build in to your routine, even on a busy schedule.

 

00;24;26;03 – 00;24;42;01

Jamie

And I think that’s such a beautiful point, is it really is about the quality of that. And so we can have the expectation of, yeah, I’m going to play with my child all the time, like every morning with them. I must play with them. I must be with them. Let me go back to like that circle of security framework.

 

00;24;42;07 – 00;25;00;28

Jamie

We actually want our kids to kind of have some of that time away from us. Not necessarily like physical, like not saying, all right, please, three year old, please leave the home. But it is like I a huge part of that especially. And again we’re just talking about attachment connection could have a whole other episode in terms of like independent play and all that kind of stuff.

 

00;25;01;00 – 00;25;21;14

Jamie

But part of that is it does promote independent play and allows for more Problem-Solving to happen. It allows for them to use their imagination and pretend, and we don’t need to guide them through all of that. And we can even be close. My son, he’ll be playing in his little play kitchen for a little while and maybe cooking supper.

 

00;25;21;16 – 00;25;40;16

Jamie

He’ll come back around, be like, hey, look what I did. Mom’s like, oh cool, that one’s really neat, buddy, right? He’s coming back in the circle. Then he’s going back out to explore. He’s making his own pasta dish. You might come back and be like, look what I did again, right? There’s kind of that back and forth, but there is it’s not a quality time spent together.

 

00;25;40;16 – 00;26;00;27

Jamie

I like the intentionality behind it, I guess. Right. We get eight hours of playing with our children the entire time, but the actual quality like that back and forth serve return kind of piece might not actually be there. But if we intentionally, even for 30 minutes, like, you know what, I’m going to have this designated time just to play with you.

 

00;26;00;27 – 00;26;23;13

Jamie

Great. But I it’s through those small moments throughout the day in conversation, in cherishing our kids in all those small little moments. I think that’s where it really is. 

 

Dr. Mona

It’s so beautiful. And those small moments means so much more to our kids. I don’t think people realize that sometimes we think that there needs to be these grand gestures of things.

 

00;26;23;13 – 00;26;42;23

Dr. Mona

And of course, those are beautiful, right? Like you say, we take a trip or something, but even like your toddler is going to remember also those little moments where you sat on the couch and snuggled them randomly, right? There was no plan. It was just literally like you obviously you mentioned consent, of course like that. But like there is this sort of like random affection that happens.

 

00;26;42;23 – 00;27;11;01

Dr. Mona

And I love that. I love it because it not only is all this important for just the emotional regulation of a child, when a child feels this, they are less likely to have tantrums. Of course they’re still going to have tantrums, don’t get us wrong. But when they feel seen, feel connected in these small ways that aren’t anything more than like Jamie saying out of your routine, it can really mean that they are less likely to act out or less likely to have a tantrum or meltdown, you know, because they feel seen.

 

00;27;11;01 – 00;27;35;05

Dr. Mona

And it is a cycle that circle of like feeling seen, feeling secure and understanding from your parental standpoint that you can have your own life and come home to your child and your child will be happy with you. Your child will feel connected if you emotionally are also available as well, right? We talk about the non-verbal cues. You talk about the things that we say.

 

00;27;35;05 – 00;27;51;23

Dr. Mona

I think so many times we forget how important our energy and vibe is. You know, like how we walk into a house, how we sit down with our kid, whether we’re a God. I had a tough day versus I am so glad to see you. Mommy had a really busy day, but I get to see you and that’s pretty cool.

 

00;27;51;23 – 00;28;14;15

Dr. Mona

Like, it’s a hard thing to do. But I know parents are capable of it. You know that. How can I create some peace before I go back to my child and really just enjoy that moment with them, whether it’s that ten minutes or an hour or longer. But it is such a beautiful balance that when I think a parent can get there, oh, it’s like you feel like you hit the parenting jackpot that you’re like, yeah, I feel good about myself.

 

00;28;14;15 – 00;28;37;28

Dr. Mona

I feel good about you. You feel good about being in this family. You feel secure. But it’s just such a beautiful feeling. 

 

Jamie

Yeah. And I think I just want to kind of go on what you were saying about, like, when they eventually get there. And I think that’s really kind of important to address, too, is when I was talking about, like, being able to, like, discipline through connection and being attuned and being emotionally responsive.

 

00;28;38;00 – 00;29;00;20

Jamie

A lot of that is coming obviously from parent. And I think it’s also really important to acknowledge that for some, especially whatever their own attachment style was with their parent or potentially any childhood trauma that happened to them, is it’s not as easy like said or it’s not as easily said. Oh my gosh, what’s that saying? It’s easier said than done.

 

00;29;00;20 – 00;29;35;25

Jamie

There we go. And so part of that is like when we are disciplining through connection. A big part of that is of course, co-regulation, because that’s what our children are meeting in that moment. Part of that is being able to self-regulate yourself. Yeah, right. And so looking at, knowing kind of what your own attachment style history was, potentially knowing any childhood traumas that happened then, so important to acknowledge that for some it’s not as natural or as easy.

 

00;29;35;28 – 00;29;57;28

Jamie

And so part of it is if we’re wanting to support our kids in this way. And if I didn’t have a secure attachment growing up, I’m really wanting to have that for my child. Part of that is parents kind of it’s a whole idea of like putting on their oxygen mask first and taking care of themselves, doing their own healing first.

 

00;29;58;00 – 00;30;20;14

Jamie

Right. And I think that’s also part of what you talked about here is we are trying to kind of reduce the expectation that we have on ourselves in terms of like playing with our children all the time, always being emotionally responsive, all of that. But for some it really is like much more like a lot of more healing that really is needed.

 

00;30;20;21 – 00;30;48;01

Jamie

And so I was just want to kind of preface that with saying, like recognizing that even if you had a secure attachment growing up, parenting is still so, so hard. And then when you add that other layer, it’s like it is not easier. And doing a lot of the kind of inner healing and working on yourself. I just have such respect for parents who are like, man, I want to be that cycle breaker.

 

00;30;48;02 – 00;31;12;28

Jamie

I want to be the one to really break some of those intergenerational patterns, break some of that trauma that has happened. But I also think for them, it’s looking at, my goodness, what are the expectations that I have on myself for that? It’s like it took generations for some of these patterns to kind of come to be. It might take some generations for those patterns to change.

 

00;31;12;28 – 00;31;41;03

Jamie

And so looking at a more from a like, I am part of like a stepping stone in creating this change, I’m not responsible for all of the change in one generation. I just want to kind of touch on that, because I think it’s great to provide information about, like, what is secure attachment, what are some strategies, how can we connect, but also knowing that for some there’s a lot of healing and kind of taking care of yourself as needed before being able to do that and achieve that?

 

00;31;41;05 – 00;32;04;10

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And for some that’s going to be doing a deeper dive with a professional like a therapist. And I hope I always have said this and I you’re not the first person on the episode that I’ve talked with this about, but that everyone should have a therapist. I feel like it’s one of those things that, like, you really don’t realize how much your past and childhood can come up in the relationships you have with your peers, your partner, and especially when you become a parent.

 

00;32;04;12 – 00;32;23;24

Dr. Mona

And if that is not something that you can do because of time or cost. But really understanding that what is that self work I’m going to do and that work is going to happen simultaneously, right? I mean, obviously, I recognize that that work needs to happen because of my understanding of child development and psychology. But I did all that before I became a parent, and I continue to do it right every day.

 

00;32;23;29 – 00;32;45;02

Dr. Mona

The things that I was lacking in that circle that you’re mentioning and my husband’s lacking, we understand and have insight into, hey, this needs to change. Like we need to be the cycle breakers like you mentioned. And so really understanding that you can do things simultaneously, that absolutely, we’re not alone in this, that it is really, really hard, creating that, sort of changing that cycle.

 

00;32;45;02 – 00;33;07;22

Dr. Mona

But also finding that balance is also something that can take time for certain people, you know, like the balance of everything that we’re talking about with feeling comfortable with the level of attachment we’re giving and understanding and questioning ourselves. Like, are we doing everything right, quote unquote. So definitely this is such a great conversation. Is there any final message that you would want to add for everyone listening?

 

00;33;07;25 – 00;33;32;10

Jamie

Well, I think we touched on so many pieces, but I think part of it is just knowing that just as our kids are learning, so are we. Right? And we are going to make mistakes. We’re going to we’re we’re going to lose our shit sometimes, right? Yes. But there’s so much beauty in approaching it from a like I am learning with you kind of perspective.

 

00;33;32;17 – 00;33;58;18

Jamie

And it’s like those times where we do kind of lose our cool. What does that repair look like afterwards? I was just use a very personal example. Last week I had one of my biggest like lose my, lose my cool on my kid ever. And we I was I was able to repair a lot afterwards. But what my son came was so beautiful at the end he just said, mama, we’re learning together.

 

00;33;58;18 – 00;34;16;04

Jamie

You’re learning just like I’m learning. And it’s like we are, buddy. Yeah, right. And so I think it’s just kind of going into it where it’s never going to be perfect. And if that’s the expectation, oh my goodness. That’s just not feasible and fair to you. So be gentle on yourself. But it’s approaching it from a learning standpoint.

 

00;34;16;04 – 00;34;40;18

Jamie

We’re just we’re learning just like our kids are learning. 

 

Dr. Mona

Yes. Oh Jamie, it is such an honor to chat with you. I again just love speaking about parenting, about how we approach parenting, all of the things that make us who we are. As we navigate this, like you said, amazing journey that’s very difficult at times. Where can people find you in terms of website Instagram, if you want to share that in all attached to the show notes as well?

 

00;34;40;20 – 00;35;05;29

Jamie

Yeah. So my website is WW imagine psychology.com. My Instagram is just at Imagine Psychology. We don’t really talk about this before, but I also own a small business where I have sensory play kits for kids and social learning tools. And so that business is called Run Wild play Kit. So that’s a you don’t run wild play kits.com and Instagram is at run wild play kits.

 

00;35;05;29 – 00;35;26;17

Dr. Mona

So yes that’s where you can find us. Yeah. Oh thank you so much. And for all of you listening, if you love this episode, make sure you leave a review and call out Jamie and her amazing information on the review as well. We love hearing that on this podcast. I can’t wait to have her on again and future guests as well, and we’ll talk to you next week.

 

00;35;26;17 – 00;35;42;08

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.