Through the years, I have taken care of many different types of families. Through this, I have seen the actions that parents do that have both positive and negative impacts on children. Listen in as I talk about behavior modifications we can make as parents that can impact the emotional and social development of our children.

00;00;06;25 – 00;00;39;11

Dr. Mona

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you’re listening from. Thank you for tuning in today. This is one of the first episodes of the PedsDocTalk podcast, and I am Doctor Mona. So if you listen to my introduction episode, these episodes are going to go over a variety of different things, right? Medical education, but also parenting tips. So I think it’s important whenever you’re consuming information, whether it’s on the media, social media, your friends, your relatives, it’s important to know what makes them qualified to give you that information.

 

00;00;39;14 – 00;01;00;04

Dr. Mona

So in regards to the parenting tips, I wanted to tell you why. I think as a mother of a three month old, I can share tips on parenting. So over the last eight years, I’ve lived and practiced in three different cities. If you want to include residency and I’ve worked with so many different types of families, socioeconomic leave, religiously, culturally, you name it.

 

00;01;00;07 – 00;01;21;21

Dr. Mona

I’ve worked with so many different families, and it’s through that that I’ve learned so much about parenting, right? I’ve learned that there just is not a one size fits all approach because every parent is different. Every circumstance is different, and every child is different. So it’s this adaptability and not just, you know, saying, this is how I do it and you have to do it this way.

 

00;01;21;27 – 00;01;43;17

Dr. Mona

It’s this adaptability that makes me feel that I can share all this with you. So over the last eight years, I have kind of looked at all the things that I’ve seen. I’ve looked at the different trends and the different things that parents are doing that are impacting their child in positive and negative ways. So on this episode today, I’m actually starting with some tough love guys to get this podcast going.

 

00;01;43;20 – 00;02;00;06

Dr. Mona

I’m giving you guys some tips 15 things that we need to stop doing as parents based on what I’ve seen in the last eight years. And now, like I said, you’re going to feel like this is a lot of tough love, right? So if you’re a parent doing any of these things, please know that I get it right.

 

00;02;00;06 – 00;02;21;15

Dr. Mona

This is not shaming. This is not like, wow, you’re a terrible parent. No no, no. This is just education and insight into maybe is this something that I can do less of as a parent? Well, I never realized that doing this is causing my child in some way to be a certain way. So I really want you to just be open to listening to this.

 

00;02;21;17 – 00;02;45;17

Dr. Mona

Think about ways that maybe you can reduce these activities if you’re doing it already or eliminated altogether. But whatever you do, just keep an open mind, because that’s what I do every day when I’m in my office. Now, if you are a person who does not have a child yet, please know that this is very hard to do this list, but it’s a matter of just finding ways in our day to make this happen.

 

00;02;45;17 – 00;03;07;09

Dr. Mona

And you’re going to find none of these tips are going to be that time consuming. None of them are going to require money. It’s literally just how we approach the situation and our mindset. And that is so much of parenting, right? It’s that mindful parenting. It’s being aware of our emotions. Our insecurities and the way we handle things in order to raise our children.

 

00;03;07;11 – 00;03;25;07

Dr. Mona

And that is where the success lies in parenting, in my opinion. So when I go through these 15 things, we need to stop doing as parents. I know many of you have done it. I know that it’s going to be hard to do, but if you can kind of get that insight and say, wow, yes, let’s try. Talk to your partner if you have one.

 

00;03;25;08 – 00;03;45;08

Dr. Mona

Talk to whoever takes care of that child. I think you’ll find that you’ll see behavior modifications. And this list encompasses my my main philosophy. I think we need to teach our children to have good sleeping skills. Have a good relationship with food, and also be able to handle their emotions in a positive way. Right? We’re entitled to be upset.

 

00;03;45;09 – 00;04;06;28

Dr. Mona

We’re entitled to be happy. We’re entitled to be angry. But it’s a matter of how we approach that. That’s mindful parenting at its core, right? So when you go when I go through all these, the list of things you’re going to hear me talk about why this behavior is impactful for children. So let’s get started. Number 15 stop being afraid to see them upset.

 

00;04;07;01 – 00;04;36;21

Dr. Mona

So in infancy obviously we’re program that when the baby cries we react. We respond. But have you ever thought about taking a moment before you respond? And notice how I say respond and don’t react right? Reactions come from a place of emotion. Anger, stress, fear and responding comes from a place of calm. So in French parenting, this is very popular where you take 1 or 2 minutes before you respond to your child, and it actually can have a huge effect on your behavior and their behavior.

 

00;04;36;24 – 00;05;04;18

Dr. Mona

So take this scenario the baby’s crying. You are going to respond to that child. You are a good parent. But if you take a moment before you respond, you allow that child just a small, small blip of self-soothing before you respond to them. And this is something I’m going to be talking about when I talk about fussy babies and caring for your baby in the fourth trimester, because you are going to be there for them, but you’re just allowing them that moment before you get to them.

 

00;05;04;21 – 00;05;22;04

Dr. Mona

A lot of times babies are between sleep cycle so that they’ll fidget, right? So when they wake up in between a sleep cycle, they make a sound. They make a lot of grunting sounds. So if you take that moment before you respond to them, you can see, is this just something they need to work out on their own or do they need me?

 

00;05;22;07 – 00;05;39;24

Dr. Mona

And I notice that this can help. Also, it can help you because if you hear the baby cry, which for most people will describe, that’s a very hard sound to hear. So when you hear that cry, it causes you to get emotional. It causes you to get a little nervous, right? Your heart rate goes a little up because you’re like, oh, my baby needs something.

 

00;05;39;24 – 00;06;02;05

Dr. Mona

I have to go to them. And if you take that moment, you can reset yourself and better attend to that baby in a calm state. So obviously in infancy, our role is to be attentive and respond to our baby’s needs. But as they get older, especially in the toddler years, things start to change a little bit because as much as they need us, they also have very, very heavy emotions, right?

 

00;06;02;07 – 00;06;23;06

Dr. Mona

So they’re going to be upset. They’re going to get angry. You’re going to take away their toy and they’re going to get very mad at you. But the problem that happens is that because we are programed in infancy, to be attentive and always with our child and that they need us. What happens when they become a toddler and they start crying for reasons that seem seem unreasonable in our expectation, right?

 

00;06;23;07 – 00;06;42;08

Dr. Mona

We we sometimes cave in. And the reason why this is number 15 is that the fear of hearing them cry is what causes what can cause the behavior to get a little bit worse. And let me give you an example. You give your child a cell phone, right? You take the cell phone away because you decided that no more cell phone time.

 

00;06;42;11 – 00;07;00;08

Dr. Mona

They start crying and pulling at your pant leg. As a parent, you made the decision that the child no longer has that cell phone. So you have to follow through because you are setting boundaries as a parent, which is important. So once you do that, you start. They start crying and crying. You cave in and you give them the cell phone.

 

00;07;00;10 – 00;07;16;28

Dr. Mona

When you do this action, you’re telling them a few things. One, you’re telling them that they can cry to get what they want, right? And we have to teach our children that we have to. It’s okay to cry, but we have to process our emotions in a healthy way. So you’re telling them that, yep, you can cry. I’ll give you what you want.

 

00;07;17;01 – 00;07;33;08

Dr. Mona

The other thing that you’re telling them is that crying is not allowed. And why that happens is that you’re so frustrated with the fact that they’re crying, that you’re giving in to their crying. We want to teach our kids that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to not like everything in life, but we have to learn to get through it, right?

 

00;07;33;15 – 00;07;51;27

Dr. Mona

So if they cry and you cave in and give them your cell phone, you’re teaching them that. Okay, I don’t I don’t like that you’re crying. You’re obviously upset. Let me just cave in and give you this. Right. We have to give our children the basic needs, right? Love. Food, shelter. Right. Those are basically our our primitive needs.

 

00;07;51;29 – 00;08;08;10

Dr. Mona

But beyond that, everything else. Cell phones, toys. You know, putting on a red shoe versus a blue shoe. All of the stuff we have to we have to roll with the punches. Now, I don’t expect you guys to do this every single day, right? I mean, at home, it’s nice to do these activities when you’re in public. Obviously, I get it.

 

00;08;08;10 – 00;08;30;26

Dr. Mona

You guys have to get through certain situations. You know, you’re in a store or you’re at a restaurant. It’s survival mode. Airplane survival mode. But when you’re in the comfort of your own home, you have to start implementing these strategies, right? The third thing that you teach a child when you get frustrated, when they get frustrated, right, is that you are getting a rise out of their behavior.

 

00;08;30;28 – 00;08;52;27

Dr. Mona

Toddlers, especially, are creatures of observation and they are looking at cause and effect, right? So if you if they drop something on the ground and you keep picking it back up and giving it back to them, they’ll keep dropping it because they want to see what was going to happen. If I keep doing this behavior right. So if they see that if they yell mommy or daddy or whoever’s taking care of me gets upset by that.

 

00;08;53;03 – 00;09;09;24

Dr. Mona

They understand that, oh, I can just keep doing this behavior because it’ll just keep getting a rise out of my mom. When I was in Japan, I. Japan’s a beautiful country. And when I was there, I was observing the way mothers interact with their children. And I am fascinated with the way that people parent all over the world.

 

00;09;09;26 – 00;09;25;07

Dr. Mona

So when I was there, I noticed that a mother had a child and he started throwing a tantrum in the middle of the street. He obviously was in a safe, safe place. A mom was making sure that the child was safe, but she did not pay the child mind. She basically got down, sat down next to him, but did not make him stop crying.

 

00;09;25;13 – 00;09;44;07

Dr. Mona

She just sat there with him. Look, this takes time. But he eventually stopped crying and she was there for him when he was done, and she held him when he was done. It’s okay to give your child space. We can’t be afraid to see them cry. Because when you’re afraid to see them cry, you’re going to do everything to stop the crying.

 

00;09;44;09 – 00;10;04;25

Dr. Mona

Remember that crying, anger, all these sort of. I’m going to label it as negative emotions. They’re not negative. They’re emotions. And if we keep telling them that, oh gosh, you’re frustrating me, you’re basically teaching them that we don’t like crying and we want to raise kids that are appreciative of all emotional emotions, whether they’re cries, happy, whatever it may be.

 

00;10;04;27 – 00;10;24;10

Dr. Mona

So that is the key to mindful parenting is checking yourself because we don’t like them upset because we’re it also makes us uncomfortable. But if you can take a breath, take a moment before you respond and not react. I think you guys will see can make a huge difference. So this is number 15, which is stop being afraid to see them upset.

 

00;10;24;12 – 00;10;46;03

Dr. Mona

Number 14 stop avoiding boundaries with eating. Oh I know oh eating is probably the most difficult one because eating takes a long time. And unfortunately we don’t have time. And everything with parenting seems like we just don’t have enough time. Which is why I understand that you won’t be able to do all of these things, but try to try to listen to this one, because this one’s really important for me.

 

00;10;46;05 – 00;11;08;00

Dr. Mona

So my goal is to create an intuitive eater. To me, that means a child that listens to their body when they’re full is slowly eating right and is open to different types of food, right. Does not look at food as good or bad. Looks at food as something that is is nutrition for our body. That’s not a reward.

 

00;11;08;02 – 00;11;26;05

Dr. Mona

That’s what I mean when I say that a child should have a good relationship with food. Food should be a relationship. It should be something that a child should look for it in a positive way. So the way we create an intuitive eater, and I’m actually going to be doing a episode with the nutritionist about this because it’s something I’m very passionate about.

 

00;11;26;07 – 00;11;46;24

Dr. Mona

It’s important to kind of look at when we start to introduce solids. And I know people are like, no, you just start introducing it. Yeah, you should, but you should also be watching for certain things. Right. Signs of fullness. Right. If they are shaking their head but they don’t want the food. Okay. We try again. Try again. But you have to give it a break and keep trying right?

 

00;11;47;00 – 00;12;04;08

Dr. Mona

Repetition. Repetition. Repetition. If a child makes a face with food, that makes sense, it’s new to them, right? But it doesn’t mean that they won’t ever like it. So you have to keep introducing it. That’s a key element to introducing solids that I think a lot of parents get fearful. Right. Because we don’t want to see our child upset.

 

00;12;04;08 – 00;12;21;06

Dr. Mona

Right. Going back to number 15. So we give them what they want. But remember it is important in the infancy period to introduce these foods vegetables, vegetables, vegetables, the colors of the rainbow because this is when their palette is getting established. So if you wait until they’re one and then now you start introducing vegetables, it’s a little too late.

 

00;12;21;13 – 00;12;41;12

Dr. Mona

You should really, really start to do it in the infancy period, whether you do puree or baby led weaning. So other things that are really important when I say stops avoiding boundaries is routine. Parents are afraid of routine, and I don’t know if it’s because we can’t keep the routine, but it’s important. And toddlers and babies thrive on routine.

 

00;12;41;19 – 00;13;01;12

Dr. Mona

They thrive on it because they like the expectation. They like to know when their meals coming, when sleep is coming, and when play is coming. Right. And sometimes you’re going to have you’re going to have variations to that routine. Right. It’s what we call flexible, flexible routines that if you’re driving in a car and you’re you’re obviously in traffic and the child’s due for a meal at one, it’s okay.

 

00;13;01;12 – 00;13;15;18

Dr. Mona

Right? We just have to get home. You take that breath, you’re going to get there. There’s no need to pull over at the side of the road. You are going to get there. What I’ve done in that situation, because Ryan, that’s happened right where I’m running from, doctor’s appointments and we’re on our way. I talk to him, right.

 

00;13;15;18 – 00;13;33;12

Dr. Mona

I say, sweetie, we’re almost home. We’re going to be home. Why that helps is that it helps you also kind of calm down a little bit, and then also you’re giving that reassurance to your child even from a young age. But it’s important to have that routine because they have the expectations so that they don’t become grazers. Grazers meaning that they just snack all day.

 

00;13;33;12 – 00;13;54;11

Dr. Mona

That’s when they decide to become picky because they realize that, okay, well, I’m just going to eat whatever I want whenever I feel like it, that they don’t have a boundary with food. Another thing is mindful eating, right? Slow eating, smelling the food. So baby led weaning is one thing that’s really, really good actually, because you’re allowing the child to smell the food, touch the food, play with it.

 

00;13;54;11 – 00;14;08;26

Dr. Mona

Right? But we don’t like doing that because it’s messy. But it’s really important for the child to touch the food, right? Kids are very sensory, so they want to touch things and play with things. And what better thing to do that with this food? Because they’ll get to smell it and they’re less likely to be afraid of it.

 

00;14;08;28 – 00;14;23;16

Dr. Mona

This is a really important concept. And if you’re afraid of mess, and I used to be, and I’ve learned to drop that ever since we had Ryan, it is important to kind of realize that, you know what? I’m going to I have to allow the mess. I have to just take that time later to clean it up, because it’s good for their development.

 

00;14;23;19 – 00;14;41;22

Dr. Mona

And another part of mindful eating is no screens at the dinner table. And I know a lot of you listening will be like, oh, but doctor, he or she won’t eat unless there’s a screen. But what if you just never introduce the screen in the first place? I encourage you to try that. If you’ve not had a child before or child yet, I apologize.

 

00;14;41;26 – 00;15;02;07

Dr. Mona

Or if you have, maybe just just introduce it. Start removing the screen and be okay with the fuss that ensues. Behavior can take about a few days to a couple weeks to change, but I promise you they’re going to change. If you are. If you just set that boundary and you stick with it. But if you cave in and if you play all these games, they will realize that they have control over you.

 

00;15;02;10 – 00;15;25;12

Dr. Mona

And what we want to do as parents is have our control. And toddlers cannot run the show, especially with behavior and eating. So please consider not having those screens. Please consider allowing them to smell and touch the food. And please consider setting up a routine, because these are ways to create boundaries and it’s healthy for them. And in terms of the types of food, there are many different types of food.

 

00;15;25;12 – 00;15;47;01

Dr. Mona

You know, I don’t like labeling food as good or bad because again, we should encourage exploration and variety. But whatever your nutrition palette is, I encourage it to be fresh vegetables. You know, try to do home cooked food, try to incorporate seasonings because seasonings are important for their palate as well. And many seasonings are very good for your your body and immune health.

 

00;15;47;03 – 00;16;05;29

Dr. Mona

So start to introduce variety. And don’t be afraid of having to do the repetition to get them to eat that food in terms of, you know, rewards. Okay, well if you eat this food, then you get this. We don’t encourage that. Right? Why is that? If you start labeling okay, eat your vegetables and then you’ll get a cookie.

 

00;16;06;01 – 00;16;23;23

Dr. Mona

You’re labeling food. And we don’t like labels as good and bad vegetables are good. Oh sorry. Vegetables are bad. And a cookie is good. Right. So if I want to get to the good, I have to eat the bad. We don’t want to label that because then it becomes a chore. My goal is to not make eating a chore.

 

00;16;23;26 – 00;16;41;06

Dr. Mona

Eating should be fun. Eating should be for obviously nutrition. It should not be a task that kids look at with disdain and that oh mom is forcing me. And that brings me to the last thing don’t force your kids to eat. Oh gosh, I get it. But oh my gosh, she’s going to go to bed hungry. You’ll learn kind of your temperament of your child.

 

00;16;41;06 – 00;17;00;09

Dr. Mona

But to say eat the eat the full plate, eat the full plate. We create expectations for a child that we feel they need to eat a certain amount. Their stomachs are small, right. It’s they would describe as the almost like the fit their fist. They should be their portion. Start with smaller portions. Don’t have the expectation of them that it should be this big portion that they have to finish.

 

00;17;00;12 – 00;17;17;03

Dr. Mona

Encourage variety. Yes. Put every different color, you know, color food on the on the plate. But if they don’t finish we have to be okay. That okay. They didn’t finish. It’s hard because we prepare that food. But it’s important to understand that they’re learning also about how to eat. And and they are looking to us as an example.

 

00;17;17;05 – 00;17;40;17

Dr. Mona

So that’s number 14. Stop avoiding boundaries with eating. Number 13 stop trying to keep them occupied at all times. So I get it right. We want them in the infancy period. We want them to meet their milestones. We want them to be, you know, the next Bill gates. We want them to be at the next LeBron James. It’s this obsession with, okay, we got to be meeting milestones.

 

00;17;40;19 – 00;18;03;10

Dr. Mona

Every baby is different, right I get it. We want to engage. We engage with Ryan a lot when he’s awake. But it is okay for them to be idle. It is okay for your school age kid to not be occupied at all times and to be bored. Boredom is extremely good for kids. Most of you listening are probably in my generation.

 

00;18;03;10 – 00;18;18;09

Dr. Mona

I don’t mind aging myself here. I was born in 85, so I grew up in the 90s and, you know, before social media and yes, we had cartoons and stuff. But I vividly remember that, you know, at a family gathering, all the kids would get together and there was no screens. It literally was like, hey, what game do you want to play?

 

00;18;18;11 – 00;18;35;11

Dr. Mona

And we literally had to figure out and get creative, right? Because we were bored and there was no parent to occupy us and imagine that creativity that this had. I’m actually really concerned about our generation and our kids because of the fact that they’re not being allowed to be bored. And that means, hey, you know what your playroom is?

 

00;18;35;16 – 00;18;51;22

Dr. Mona

You go figure out what you want to do right now, right? You don’t have to schedule this sort of okay, well, now I have to do this with my kid. I’m going to be honest with Ryan. I know he’s three months old, but we don’t always engage with him every waking hour. Yes, we play with him. We cuddle with him.

 

00;18;51;22 – 00;19;09;29

Dr. Mona

But sometimes I leave him in his bouncy chair and I do my work and I just talk to him and I allow him, you know, I’ll have these little toys that are right around, and he’ll look at the colors he’ll play, but it’s okay for them to be idle and have independent time. It teaches them that you don’t always have to be occupied, and it teaches them independent skills.

 

00;19;10;06 – 00;19;29;29

Dr. Mona

So this theory that we have to be attached to our kids at all times, I think is truly false, because you’re creating these healthy boundaries that allow them to explore and feel secure at the same time. 13 stop trying to keep them occupied. Please remember that one, because I think that if you start to kind of reduce that, you’re going to see that, wow, my child is thriving.

 

00;19;29;29 – 00;19;55;23

Dr. Mona

I don’t need to do everything for them. They can have that independent play and thrive and be amazing. Just like that. Number 12 kind of goes along though, along those lines, stop over scheduling their activities. Oh okay. I’m sorry Tiger Moms, you guys are going to hate me for this one. It is become. And again you’re going to find a lot of my my top 15 list has to do with what’s causing anxiety in parenting and what’s causing anxiety in our children.

 

00;19;55;23 – 00;20;18;19

Dr. Mona

And I’m very passionate about this because I don’t want my generation of kids to be dealing with these sort of issues because we as parents are not checking ourselves, stop over scheduling their activities. Ballet, football, baseball. You’ll know what over scheduling is. I get it right. If your child loves to do all this stuff, amazing. But over scheduling can have a huge impact, right?

 

00;20;18;19 – 00;20;34;03

Dr. Mona

And again, I’m not a psychologist, I’m just a pediatrician who with a huge, huge interest in child development and behavior. But when you start to over overscheduled them, it can lead to anxiety, right? This obsession with perfection, this obsession that I have to be doing things at all times, this obsession that if I’m bored and idle, that’s bad.

 

00;20;34;10 – 00;20;52;08

Dr. Mona

And I don’t want kids to feel that way because it’s when they feel that way that they can start to have those those, you know, those moods that we don’t really want to see them go through in a, in a negative way. Right. It’s okay to be bored. It’s okay to not have your hours planned every hour. It’s okay.

 

00;20;52;10 – 00;21;10;08

Dr. Mona

So when you’re thinking about, oh my gosh, am I over scheduling them? First of all, check yourself, right? Number one rule of parenting. Check yourself before anything else. Check how you’re responding. Check your emotional space. Check how you’re feeling. Check yourself. Is this something that you want them to do? Or is this something that they want to do?

 

00;21;10;10 – 00;21;26;11

Dr. Mona

Is it something that you couldn’t do as a child and that’s why you’re having them do it? Or is it something they truly want to do if it’s something they truly want to do? That is amazing. I am so I’m so happy your child found something that they want to do, but remember that if they don’t want to do it, you have to have that conversation like, well, why don’t you want to do it?

 

00;21;26;11 – 00;21;56;23

Dr. Mona

It’s too hard. But then you support them and say, you know, things are hard work. It can get easier. I’m very proud of you. Look at how you did this and you did this in such a good way. I’m so happy that you asked for help and data to. But you have to ask them and check in. And if you start to see that, you know, your school age kid is doing sports and this and all this stuff, and if they’re starting to feel overwhelmed by that pressure, check in again, do daily checks or obviously weekly checks or monthly checks or whatever it is, and check in and ask them, are you okay?

 

00;21;57;00 – 00;22;13;20

Dr. Mona

What is going on? How are you feeling? Do you feel like you’re handling it? Okay, I will be there and I’m okay with it. If you feel like it’s not enough, remember that, right? Because you don’t want your children to feel like if they drop an activity that they’re not enough, that they’re not going to get into college, that they’re not this our culture has become so competitive.

 

00;22;13;20 – 00;22;30;24

Dr. Mona

And that leads me to my next point. Do not overscheduled your kids to keep up with the Joneses. That’s not what parenting should be about. And guys, it’s ruining us, right? This sort of I need to keep up here. And so and so did ballet and come on and and this and that and it’s exhausting. Do it because you want to do it.

 

00;22;30;24 – 00;22;53;17

Dr. Mona

Do it because your child wants to do it. But don’t do it because someone else is doing doing it. And please don’t do it because you couldn’t do it when you were a child. So please stop over scheduling their activities. Number 11. Oh guys, you guys, I know everyone’s going to hate me. Stop overusing screen time. So there’s been so much research into screen time.

 

00;22;53;19 – 00;23;09;00

Dr. Mona

And I know what you’re thinking because especially the people who are using screens under two and I’m talking mainly under two okay. Over two. It’s okay if you want to use it an hour here and there, you have to get stuff done. I get it right, like I was raised and, you know, 80s, 90s kid, I watched Sesame Street.

 

00;23;09;00 – 00;23;28;03

Dr. Mona

I think proper programing can be helpful. I’m talking about the under two crowd, okay. And it is extremely, extremely important that you’re very mindful about the amount of screens you’re using and also the amount of screens we use in front of our children. Right. Me and my husband, I, we create a rule that if Ryan’s awake and we’re obviously playing with him, there’s no screens, right?

 

00;23;28;03 – 00;23;46;02

Dr. Mona

Sometimes I’ll videotape, us interacting because I like to share it on my social media, but I don’t allow the camera to be in my visual field with Ryan. I think if you watch me, you’ll notice that, right? Like, when I’m videotaping, I’m. I’m always videotaping from the side. It sounds crazy, but it’s actually a very. I’m very cognizant about that because I want Ryan to see my face.

 

00;23;46;05 – 00;24;05;00

Dr. Mona

I want Ryan to see me interacting with him and looking him in the eyes. Right. That is what kids need under two guys. I can’t stress this enough. They need to see your lips move. They need to see your eyes. They need to see your face when you’re interacting with them. It should not be through a screen. And like I said earlier, there has been tons of studies about the impact of screens on children.

 

00;24;05;02 – 00;24;22;06

Dr. Mona

Most importantly that when you are looking at a screen as a kid, right, it’s high visual input. They’re looking at flashing lights and you know, all this, you know, all these senses are being stimulated. They’re just like, wow. So when they stop looking at that visual field, all of a sudden they have some cognitive slowing where they’re like,

 

00;24;22;08 – 00;24;41;19

Dr. Mona

And they don’t process things as quickly afterwards. So learning can be more difficult. I know what you’re thinking, doctor Mona, you just wait. You just wait. When Ryan’s older, I know I’m going to use screens. Don’t get me wrong, but I, my husband and I know that we’re going to be very cognizant of our use. Are we overusing it right?

 

00;24;41;25 – 00;25;02;05

Dr. Mona

Are we just afraid of our kid fussing and we’re using it? Are we just afraid of our kid being bored? And we’re using remember those concepts because it can really help you in creating these boundaries with screens. And again, if you have to get something done right, okay, fine. But under two years old, really consider the impact of screens.

 

00;25;02;07 – 00;25;23;01

Dr. Mona

Why worry is that I’ve seen the case where parents will be in the office and the kid has a screen. Okay, fine. It’s a doctor’s office again. You have to get stuff done, right. You have to get through diaper change. That’s fine. Playing with the cell phone or watching something. Okay? But when you rip the phone away from them and they scream bloody murder and it’s almost like this looks like they’re on a drug where they just can’t be without it.

 

00;25;23;04 – 00;25;45;24

Dr. Mona

You have to follow through and take that screen away. Don’t cave in. Go back to the other rule about don’t worry if your kid’s fussing right. That’s number 11. Stop overuse overusing screen time. Number ten stop doing everything for them. Have them figure it out. So this requires patience, right? Okay. Kids obviously are going to take time to figure things out.

 

00;25;45;24 – 00;26;03;29

Dr. Mona

And I get that. So you have to use what you’re able to do but try to control your own insecurities. Obviously if you know you had trouble with math growing up and you see your kid struggling, try not to let that get into your oh my gosh, you need to be good at math because I wasn’t remember, check yourself right and ask them, you know, how can I help you?

 

00;26;04;01 – 00;26;21;27

Dr. Mona

You don’t need to help them with everything, right? Say I want you to try. You’re doing everything that you know. You’ve learned. You’re doing a great job. And explain the details, right. I’m so proud of how you figure that out. That’s very clever of you. Right? Because you’re smart and I believe in you. And I’m here for you.

 

00;26;21;27 – 00;26;50;18

Dr. Mona

If you can’t figure it out. Right, this can help them set up what’s called a growth mindset, right? Instead of a fixed mindset that they feel that even if they fail, they can do things. So it’s the sort of I’m okay if you fail, obviously you need to work hard. So your reward the the work ethic, right? You don’t reward the success, you reward the ethic because then you teach them that it’s okay to not always succeed, but you have to have put 100% effort in because that that obsession with success and that if I don’t succeed, then I’m a failure.

 

00;26;50;18 – 00;27;09;05

Dr. Mona

And I didn’t amount to what I was supposed to do. That leads to anxiety, right? So I will do another episode about growth mindset. It’s something I’m very passionate about, but stop doing everything for them. And that goes with chores, right? You know, chores are very important for kids to do chores around the house. I’m shocked as to how many kids these days are not doing chores.

 

00;27;09;07 – 00;27;23;04

Dr. Mona

It is extremely important because they’re part of the family. Now, if you decide to pay your child to do chores, that’s awesome. I think it just makes sense that if they’re part of the family, that’s what we do as a family. That’s what happened for me and I. I think it really allows them to have a good work ethic.

 

00;27;23;06 – 00;27;45;18

Dr. Mona

But if you do pay them, maybe do like a reward system where they get an experience versus something monetary, but chores kids should be doing chores. Number nine stop protecting them from failure. So as parents, our job is to keep our children safe. Our job is to keep them happy and healthy. But the reality is, is that we can’t be with our children at all times.

 

00;27;45;18 – 00;28;02;02

Dr. Mona

We can’t protect them from everything or anyone that can hurt them. And that’s a hard thing to realize as a parent. So we have to teach them about struggle, and we have to show them that we are there for them. If they do struggle and that we’re going to be their support system. There’s a beautiful story about a butterfly.

 

00;28;02;02 – 00;28;24;15

Dr. Mona

So as you know, a butterfly obviously begins as a caterpillar. So the caterpillar spins itself into the cocoon and develops into that shiny chrysalis, and it stays in there until it’s ready. Finally, when it’s time to come out, they’ll you know, the caterpillar will start to break, try to break through. And if you’re looking at this happen, it looks like there’s a struggle right there.

 

00;28;24;17 – 00;28;44;26

Dr. Mona

The chrysalis is shaking and there seems to be a fight. And you you know, the empathetic person in us would want to go there and just rip open that chrysalis and let that butterfly out. But it’s through that struggle that that caterpillar is able to become the butterfly. And it’s really important to remember this concept because we are afraid of struggle.

 

00;28;44;26 – 00;29;04;07

Dr. Mona

Right. And going back to one of my main concepts was we can’t be afraid of our children suffering. Obviously, we have to do everything in our power to keep them safe and follow safety protocols and you know, whatever of whatever you need to do. But some things are just not in our control and we have to stop protecting them from failure.

 

00;29;04;09 – 00;29;23;24

Dr. Mona

This will help them learn coping skills, right? And healthy coping skills. If we’re afraid of them failing, we’re going to do everything in our power to shield them. And unfortunately, life is not so kind and we have to teach our children that it’s okay. Like I said from the earlier number, number ten, it’s okay to fail, right? Reward the work ethic.

 

00;29;23;26 – 00;29;44;17

Dr. Mona

Don’t shield them because you’re scared. Obviously you protect them and you have to do age appropriate education and comforting. But don’t protect them because you’re scared of seeing them fail. The failure and the struggle is what makes us who we are, and it’s what’s going to make them a better person. Our job as parents is to create what I called earlier a growth mindset.

 

00;29;44;17 – 00;30;05;28

Dr. Mona

Right? That sort of mindset that you can do anything if you fail, you have to figure out how to do better next time. Not a fixed mindset, which is more like, oh man, well this is done. I can’t do anything more. I did all I could, we want to cultivate that, right? We want to create. We want to have a child that feels like they can do whatever they want, but in a realistic way.

 

00;30;05;28 – 00;30;22;25

Dr. Mona

Right? What are their what are their strengths? What are their weaknesses? You have to you look at that kid in front of you, which is why it’s so hard when we live in the society that you’re comparing with others, right? Because it’s important to look at the strength and see how we can have them thrive in that environment.

 

00;30;22;27 – 00;30;46;22

Dr. Mona

So number nine is stop protecting them from failure. Number eight, stop ignoring bad behavior. Okay. This is pediatrician gripe because I can’t tell you how much bad behavior I see in the office. And I’m not talking about a toddler, a toddler who, you know, obviously is you’re examining them and they’re flailing their arms. That’s normal. I’m talking about a child who throw something in your face.

 

00;30;46;25 – 00;31;02;13

Dr. Mona

I’m talking about a child who spits and who’s older. I’ve seen it all. Okay? There is certain there’s a certain level where you have to say that this is not just being a kid. This is something that I have to remedy. And I, you know, I don’t care if you. I don’t care if you don’t remedy it in that actual moment.

 

00;31;02;13 – 00;31;23;01

Dr. Mona

You know, you can say nicely like, no, no, whatever the name is, no, we don’t do that. But I, as a pediatrician, can tell if there is no conversation of behavior happening at home. And I’m pretty sure all behavioral therapists can see the same thing. I know if a if a parent did not have that conversation because the the behavior keeps happening.

 

00;31;23;03 – 00;31;46;25

Dr. Mona

That being said, of course we get it that there are some behavioral issues, right, that parents will set boundaries and there will still be behavior issues. So please don’t feel that if you have set boundaries in your kids acting out that, oh my gosh, I did something wrong. Absolutely not. Okay. But I’m talking about the the the situations where you’re not setting boundaries, where you were just saying that, okay, it’s okay if you call people names, it’s okay if you call racist names.

 

00;31;46;25 – 00;32;08;03

Dr. Mona

It’s okay if you do whatever you want to do, because that’s okay. That is not okay. That’s not being a nice person. That’s not teaching them good habits. So you have to make sure that you teach them these things. You choose obviously, when you want to do it. But those conversations need to happen. And again, on another lecture or another episode I’m going to be talking about, you know, obviously the toddler years.

 

00;32;08;03 – 00;32;28;24

Dr. Mona

And as you get older, you know how to navigate that. But, you know, if you’re not setting boundaries, you know, if you’re not talking, having those conversations, especially if it’s an older child and if they’re a toddler, are obviously things like timeouts or what we call now time ins. You know, obviously meditation is getting really big, but all these kind of things, I’m very big on the book called Whole Brain Child.

 

00;32;28;24 – 00;32;49;19

Dr. Mona

Whatever you do, you have to process these bad behaviors. You can’t just say, okay, I’m not going to deal with it. Let’s just move on. No, because you have to remedy it as a as a parent. Number seven, stop grooming them to be what you couldn’t be. I said this in an earlier one briefly, but our insecurities come into play with parenting, right?

 

00;32;49;22 – 00;33;11;02

Dr. Mona

We’re maybe you weren’t outgoing. Maybe you wanted to be a football player. Maybe you were very, very thin as a child and you know, you got teased. Our insecurities come out as a parent right? And we have to keep those insecurities in check. It does not mean that, again, this is some awful thing that oh my gosh, I, I’m insecure and I can’t believe I’m, I’m projecting my insecurities.

 

00;33;11;06 – 00;33;35;09

Dr. Mona

But just be mindful of it. So when you’re, when you’re parenting a child and when you’re looking at them, think about the decisions you’re making. And if it’s something that, again, you wanted or they wanted and it’s okay if they don’t want to do everything that you want them to do, right, they have their own identity. And you have to remember that they’re not your mini me as cute as many me’s are and look right, I love it.

 

00;33;35;09 – 00;33;52;10

Dr. Mona

I, I can’t wait for Ryan to dress up in the same outfit similar outfits as my husband. But my my my Ryan is not going to be my husband. Ryan is not going to be me. Ryan is going to be his own identity. Right? Because that’s what he needs to know. That’s what I want Ryan to know is that, hey, you are your own guy.

 

00;33;52;13 – 00;34;11;09

Dr. Mona

We’re here to support you and your failures and triumphs and whatever will be there. But you have to check your insecurities at the door and you’ll realize what you’re what’s happening when you’re doing it. And just remember that it can have a huge impact, because then they’re going to lead their life for someone else and not themselves. So that was number seven.

 

00;34;11;09 – 00;34;28;27

Dr. Mona

Stop grooming them to be what you couldn’t be. Number six stop having unrealistic expectations of them. This one’s hard because as a parent you may not know the developmental capabilities, right. Based on milestones. Or maybe you had a sibling, which will get me to another one that did something earlier and you’re like, well, you should be doing the same thing.

 

00;34;28;27 – 00;34;46;22

Dr. Mona

Remember, every child is different. If you feel like your child’s not meeting expectations, whether it’s milestones or in terms of, intellect, you know, like stuff that’s happening in school, talk to you, talk to the child’s teacher, talk to the pediatrician. Right. They’ll give you the best idea of, well, no, that’s age appropriate or that’s not. I’m on a mommy group.

 

00;34;46;22 – 00;35;03;10

Dr. Mona

And the other day on on Facebook and I don’t, by the way, mommy groups. Anyways, they can be a little bit too much. But now one of the, one of the comments on the mommy group was, my four year old is not good at math. What do I do? And the amount of comments that came through were like, so what if they’re not good at math?

 

00;35;03;10 – 00;35;24;04

Dr. Mona

They’re four years old and a lot of them are from pediatricians. A lot of them are just from other mothers. And it was actually really, really nice to see that people were obviously understanding that a four year old does not need to be great at math. Obviously, they can start to learn the basics, but why are we expecting our child to do something that they may not be having to do at that age?

 

00;35;24;04 – 00;35;44;06

Dr. Mona

Right. So think about that. Think and think about am I trying to force this on them when they really don’t need to have that skill at that age? Again, your child’s teacher and your pediatrician would be the best gauge based on your child’s history. And you know where they’re at and you don’t, tell you those milestones. But it’s okay to lower those expectations.

 

00;35;44;09 – 00;35;58;08

Dr. Mona

There’s a balance because you don’t want to raise a kid who thinks that, oh, I can do any I can do anything. And if I fail, whatever, Mommy and daddy are going to be there to pick me up. No, you’re trying to create boundaries for your child that, hey, you got to do your work. You got to work hard and you got to be successful.

 

00;35;58;13 – 00;36;20;04

Dr. Mona

But it’s okay to not succeed. Sometimes it’s okay if you put the work in. Right? But if you didn’t put the work in. That’s not good. But set the realistic expectations for them. Right I expect you I expect this of you I’m proud of you for doing this. Have that back and forth with them and let them understand what the expectations are and going downstream again.

 

00;36;20;04 – 00;36;51;25

Dr. Mona

That’s why boundaries are important. That’s why all this all has to do with expectation and what you are asking them. As a parent, it’s really, really important to not set unrealistic expectations for them for your child. Number five, we’re getting into the top five guys. We’re almost there. Stop comparing them to other kids. I you know, it’s that competition that we have created in our generation and even in generations past that we compare and we compare and we compare and comparison is the thief of joy.

 

00;36;51;27 – 00;37;13;18

Dr. Mona

I’m asking you to really, really consider stop doing this one. And I’m not only talking about the comparisons you make in your head, right? Because we do it and it happens. But the verbal comparisons you at, you tell your child, well, why aren’t you as good as your brother or your sister or your cousin or your friend? It’s that comparison that doesn’t allow them to feel like they can thrive, right?

 

00;37;13;18 – 00;37;35;24

Dr. Mona

Because they feel like they’re always trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. So it’s really important not to do this. And also internally stop doing it right that you are looking on social media or your friends and so-and-so’s kid was was talking or walking or crawling at a certain age, and your child is not doing that. That will rob your joy, right?

 

00;37;35;24 – 00;37;57;27

Dr. Mona

When you’re always thinking about what everyone else is doing, you’re not looking at the kid in front of you who’s likely doing well. Now, that being said, like I said earlier, if you are concerned in terms of a milestone, you have to bring that up to your pediatrician. Right? And that’s why the, well, visits are so important. But don’t compare your child in your head also because you’re just going to miss out on loving them when they’re right in front of you, right?

 

00;37;58;00 – 00;38;17;25

Dr. Mona

So this is an important one because just for self-esteem purposes and not even just your child’s self-esteem, but your self-esteem as a parent, right. And you if you notice everything I talk about has to do with us, also our insecurities, how we’re feeling, because that’s the only way that we can raise mindful children is that if we check our our selves at the door, you know, but look at yourself.

 

00;38;17;25 – 00;38;36;09

Dr. Mona

Is this something that I, I feel insecure about? Is this something that I, I want or I’m expecting this of my kid. And that’s why I keep comparing. But think of those things because I want your children to feel like they’re empowered, and I want you to feel empowered. And when you’re comparing, that can really hinder that ability.

 

00;38;36;14 – 00;38;58;20

Dr. Mona

Number four, stop spanking your child. I you know, I’m a general pediatrician and I am shocked as to how many people still feel that spanking is okay. And you know, if you’re listening and you were spanked or are spanking your child, a lot of it is a cycle, right? So obviously if it was done to you, you feel like you can do it to your your child.

 

00;38;58;23 – 00;39;19;19

Dr. Mona

And I’m just asking for you to break that cycle. And I hope after you listen to this, this reason, you understand why spanking has just been proven in research time and time again. And we call it corporal punishment, that it just does not lead to behavior modification. And it can also potentially lead to more aggressive behavior when the when the child gets older.

 

00;39;19;21 – 00;39;38;10

Dr. Mona

And I don’t need a research study to tell me that because I see it in my office, I see kids come in and their parents are slapping them, and the children is acting out with it, with slapping and hitting, and the parent is confused as to where they got it from. And I and they’re like, you know, he he or she behaves when I slap and they it’s like threats.

 

00;39;38;10 – 00;40;00;09

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, wow, that is we’re not looking at child behavior in the right way. If we feel like spanking is going to keep them in line. I know what you’re thinking because I hear it all the time. That will no, you see all. I’ll tell them and they’ll they’ll behave. But when what you’re teaching and showing your child when you spank them one is that you’re telling them it’s okay to use force when you’re upset, right?

 

00;40;00;09 – 00;40;15;10

Dr. Mona

And yeah, not all kids who get spanked are going to end up being speakers or hitters themselves, but it can increase the likelihood they’re right because they are seeing that, okay, mommy or daddy was upset. They spanked me. They used a belt. Whatever it is, and I’m going to I’m going to do that to another person if I’m upset too.

 

00;40;15;17 – 00;40;34;28

Dr. Mona

So doesn’t teach them how to process their emotions in a right way, right? The second, what is spanking telling them spanking is telling them that it’s not okay to be sad and upset, and to stifle the emotions because you’re afraid, right? If they do something bad, why don’t we? Why aren’t we teaching our children that? Why was this bad?

 

00;40;35;01 – 00;40;57;28

Dr. Mona

Let me tell you what’s going on. Whether it’s you’re doing, if you implore timeout, if you are more mindful and like to talk to the child about what they’re feeling and coping skills, but you can’t go to slapping. And the hard reality is, and I’m very aware of this, a lot of families, you know, they’re tired themselves. The parents are tired and they’re just exhausted with parenting and all that comes with it.

 

00;40;57;28 – 00;41;16;01

Dr. Mona

And we all get it right. Every general pediatrician who gives us advice, every behavioral therapist who gives us advice, understands, and whether we have children or not, we understand. All this is hard to do, but to raise your hand to a child is not teaching them how to cope with their emotions in a positive way. And it’s scary to me, right?

 

00;41;16;01 – 00;41;37;06

Dr. Mona

I, I know we’re tired. I know it’s frustrating, but please don’t put a hand on your child. It it does not serve any purpose for them. And I assure you that it’s not going to remedy their behavior in the long run. Sure, you may feel that it helps in that moment because you, you know, you you lift their hand and they step back, but it’s it’s causing them this aggression that I have seen.

 

00;41;37;06 – 00;41;56;18

Dr. Mona

And I don’t want that for anyone. So please stop speaking. Your child. And if you’re and if you’re sitting there thinking, well, I it’s been done to me and I turned out great, I really want you to reconsider and think about the impact that that can have for your little child. Number three, stop trying to be their friend.

 

00;41;56;20 – 00;42;19;02

Dr. Mona

Guys. We’re parents. We’re not their friend. That means we have to set boundaries. So when I went back to the other topic about intuitive eating, but we have to set boundaries with food, eventually with sleep, eventually with behavior right? It’s important. Boundaries are important for kids. I you know, there’s a lot of parenting styles. I practice a authoritative parenting style.

 

00;42;19;02 – 00;42;38;01

Dr. Mona

Meaning, again, there’s so many different types, but if I’m going to group them, group myself into one, one type of parenting style, again, I think it’s it’s across all of them. It would be authoritative, which basically is different than authoritarian but authoritative, which basically means that I am showing you love and nurturing a nurturing environment, but I’m also setting boundaries.

 

00;42;38;07 – 00;43;02;12

Dr. Mona

So if you’re not behaving, we’re going to talk about it and we’re going to remedy this. If you’re obviously behaving well, we’re going to reward good behavior. And it’s creating these expectations and boundaries that children thrive in. Please read about authoritative parenting and how important and useful it is. Like, again, it’s one of the major parenting models, and it has been shown that it leads to very emotionally secure kids and kids that are very successful.

 

00;43;02;15 – 00;43;22;26

Dr. Mona

And it’s really something I’m passionate about. And when I talk about, you know, fuss free parenting and mindful parenting, it goes into the sort of authoritative because it’s being mindful of ourselves, creating boundaries, loving on your child 100%, but allowing space and distance and saying, you know what? This is not okay right now. You know, whatever it may be.

 

00;43;22;26 – 00;43;40;15

Dr. Mona

And we’ll talk about, obviously in another episode about discipline strategies. But you have to create these boundaries and it’s okay if they don’t like you. I get it, we’re raising kids and you don’t. But when they say, I hate you, mom, I know Ryan’s going to tell me that one day, I know it, it’s coming. And I’m not immune to this just because I’m a pediatrician.

 

00;43;40;15 – 00;43;57;14

Dr. Mona

Guys, just because I know things about parenting, my kids are still going to do all the things your kids are doing. Remember that, right? Because they’re human beings. Just because I know all this, my kids are going to throw tantrums. They’re going to do everything because they’re kids. But it’s how we respond to that that we can hopefully see a, remedy into their behavior.

 

00;43;57;16 – 00;44;21;10

Dr. Mona

Stop trying to be their friend, please. You’re their parent. It’s okay to have that open relationship. But when you become a friend, that means when you’re permissive of things, right? Oh yeah, it doesn’t matter. But as a parent, you have to be that nurturing space that says, I love you, but I’m still an authority figure and I’m very big on this, guys, because I’m a pediatrician and I’m going to speak for the teachers as well, right?

 

00;44;21;12 – 00;44;44;19

Dr. Mona

Parents, pediatricians and teachers are the three main, main authority figures that a kid would see in their life. And I’m seeing children come in with a lot of disrespect for doctors. And it is actually really, really fascinating because the parents obviously don’t care. And it’s it’s awful because this is a person who’s trying to help your child. This is a person like teachers, like obviously like you.

 

00;44;44;26 – 00;45;18;18

Dr. Mona

And there needs to be some level of respect for someone who’s trying to help you. Right. So it’s important for this boundary setting. It’s important to say, you know, things are not working. I may need help. I need to figure out boundary setting. And I don’t know what to do. Talking to your pediatrician about a behavioral therapist, a child psychologist to help them have the best outcome, right, to help them understand authority in a positive light, that this is someone trying to help you remember these things, because it is important that you are their parent because they need to have that nurturing space and that you’re not their friend.

 

00;45;18;21 – 00;45;41;23

Dr. Mona

Number two, we’re almost there. Stop trying to raise the perfect kid. We’re so caught up with this, and I really don’t. You know, you’ll find when you get to know me more again, I know I’m spewing out all this parenting advice. It comes from a place that I want to reduce anxiety, and I want to really allow kids to thrive in a place where they feel loved.

 

00;45;41;26 – 00;46;00;15

Dr. Mona

Not this sort of helicoptered place where they just feel that they can’t be themselves. And it leads to anxiety, and it leads to all this just, you know, the feeling that they just can’t live and that you can’t live as parents, right? This obsession and perfection, I call it perfection. Obsession. If you want this obsession, it’s ruining us, right?

 

00;46;00;18 – 00;46;17;23

Dr. Mona

I want oh, my kid has to be perfect. So what happens? You start to compare, well, so-and-so does this, so-and-so do this? I have to do the same thing. I got to do this. And it’s that obsession with perfection that leads to anxiety. And I again, I see this day in and day out. Well, oh my gosh, if my kid’s not sleeping.

 

00;46;17;23 – 00;46;34;23

Dr. Mona

But I want to sleep, train them. And someone told me that it’s not good to sleep train. Oh my gosh, someone said that I have to do this and I want to do this and I’m grappling. Listen to your heart as a parent. Just listen to your heart if you want to sleep, train, guys, sleep train. I’m going to go into sleep training, but it is okay.

 

00;46;35;00 – 00;46;59;24

Dr. Mona

There was a study that literally just came out two days before. I’m recording this podcast about a UK study. It was only a small group of babies, like 198 babies. Looking at the impact of sleep training is not asleep. Training talk. But why are we having these discussions? Why are we arguing? Mother to mother? Oh well, I wouldn’t do it if basically with parenting you have to do what you want to do and everyone else just needs to just stop talking, right?

 

00;46;59;24 – 00;47;20;28

Dr. Mona

So if you’re with someone who doesn’t want to sleep, train right, and you are sleep training, that’s fine. Agree to disagree. I’m going to do something and you’re going to do something else. But it’s this constant, well, you’re ruining your kid. Well, you’re you’re coddling your kid. Who cares? Like who really cares? Just let people do what they want to do, right?

 

00;47;21;00 – 00;47;39;18

Dr. Mona

Like back off. And if you are, one thing that I’ll say is that if you’re feeling attacked or judgment, right, judgment, it does come from a place of insecurity, right? So if you’re feeling judged, it’s usually because you’re feeling a little insecure. So that’s why you feel judgment. If you didn’t feel insecure about anything, you wouldn’t feel judged because you’re, you know, you’re, you know, tough shit and you’re doing everything right.

 

00;47;39;24 – 00;47;59;14

Dr. Mona

So remember that little concept about judgment. But if you are feeling like you’re being attacked, look at your kid, look at your partner if you have one and say, I’m doing everything right. Talk to your pediatrician about, you know, the best way to keep your kid healthy. But don’t let anyone else but you, your partner. If you have one, and your pediatrician tell you anything about your kid, okay?

 

00;47;59;14 – 00;48;12;12

Dr. Mona

And me if you want my advice on on parenting. But what I’m trying to say is that no one knows your kid but you, and you are their parent. If you if you get so caught up in this, oh my gosh, I got to do this and I got to do it now. I don’t do this. I’m a bad parent.

 

00;48;12;14 – 00;48;28;26

Dr. Mona

If you get so caught up in that, you’re going to forget the kid that’s right in front of you, right? That’s this is a problem. And why parents are not mindful. Because you are thinking about ten steps down the line when you’re not looking at that smiley, happy kid in front of you. And guys, kids are innately happy.

 

00;48;28;28 – 00;48;55;19

Dr. Mona

We’re causing them to be so upset. Yes, there are genetic predispositions and, you know, anxiety, depression, this. But we can provide an environment where they can thrive. It’s that nature and nurture debate. But we cannot control the nature of a kid, right? The who they are. But we can control the nurture and allow them to feel like they’re wanted, allow them to feel like they are that perfect kid at that moment.

 

00;48;55;22 – 00;49;19;13

Dr. Mona

And the last one has nothing to do with kids. What do you think it’s going to be? Stop neglecting yourself and your marriage if or partnership if you’re in one. Okay guys, I talk a lot about child health and wellness, but if you are not taking care of yourself, you have no no chance of your child having the these skills that I’m talking about.

 

00;49;19;16 – 00;49;46;00

Dr. Mona

And I get it. We have limited resources financially, time right, money and time are just so hard to come by. So when you make these changes, you have to look at, well, what can I maybe, what can I drop, what can I do? And like I said, I’ve worked with so many different types of families and the happiest families are one the ones that are letting it go, which means that they’re not worrying about what anyone else says.

 

00;49;46;05 – 00;50;07;25

Dr. Mona

They’re not getting caught up in that drama, and they are taking the time for themselves and their partner. I, I cannot express the importance of this, and I think, I don’t know what happened. This culture of I have to be attached to my child at every given moment. Absolutely not guys, I see children and I mean, this is how I’m planning on raising Ryan.

 

00;50;07;28 – 00;50;32;04

Dr. Mona

I have seen parents coming in and children who there is secure attachment. The parent, the child knows that the parent is there for them, but that they’re that they’re okay and have and are allowed to explore that secure attachment. Right. That I I’m happy. I feel safe with my parents or mom or dad, whatever, but I have permission and I feel free to explore the world with that security at home base.

 

00;50;32;04 – 00;50;52;14

Dr. Mona

Right. That is what we’re trying to teach our kids. If you neglect yourself and get caught up in this sort of attachment that I have to be with the kid, you’re going to lose yourself in that process. So if you’re finding that you haven’t gone outside, if you haven’t got your nails done, if you want to get your nails, and if you haven’t gotten a haircut, if you haven’t gone to the gym, talk to your resources, right.

 

00;50;52;14 – 00;51;11;26

Dr. Mona

If you have a nanny, if you have a grandma, if you have a partner, if you need to drop off the kid to a daycare, whatever. Use your time and use your own own feelings to guide this right because you need to take care of yourself. Check in with yourself, right? When I said check your feelings, check and say, am I starting to feel this?

 

00;51;11;26 – 00;51;27;12

Dr. Mona

Do I? What can I do to reset myself so I can be a better parent for my kid? I’m gonna tell you a little story. And again, some parents who are like, wow, I can’t believe she does this. But when Ryan fusses, I take moments and I take maybe like one minute before I start to react to him.

 

00;51;27;12 – 00;51;43;25

Dr. Mona

As he’s gotten older, I have permission to allow a little more fussing when he was in when he was a newborn. I do these one minute pauses and then as I saw his temperament, I would go to two minute pauses before I respond. I would start talking to him though, right? Like if he starts to cry, I say, I love you, Ryan.

 

00;51;43;28 – 00;52;07;13

Dr. Mona

It’s okay sweetie, what happened? And I so he knows that I’m there, right? Sometimes he stops fussing because it’s just a moment. Maybe he had some gas. Yeah, and he stops. If I had to do something right, just say, like, there’s been moments where I’m extremely hungry and I know that if I’m extremely hungry or if I haven’t drank water, whatever it is, if I am not in a good state, I can’t take care of my son.

 

00;52;07;16 – 00;52;25;14

Dr. Mona

So there has been moments where I literally he starts crying and I, you know, I get up and I’m like getting his bottle and I just get a bite to eat. I don’t sit down and have dinner, but I just eat a little bit. I take care of myself. Right. You got to put your the expression is you got to put your life, your, your mask on first, right?

 

00;52;25;16 – 00;52;43;20

Dr. Mona

It’s important to do this. It’s okay. Ryan is a follow my Instagram. Ryan is so happy. And I get it. Temperaments are different, but I’m allowing. I’m allowing myself to give a little bit of space before I respond to him, and it helps me be happier and it helps him be happier and he’s a happy and attached kid.

 

00;52;43;20 – 00;53;03;14

Dr. Mona

And I see this happen time and time out with all my families. And it is incredible if you can do this right and everyone has different levels of comfort, everyone has different philosophies. But I see this sort of self-care being so important in just taking a moment. And I get it. If you don’t have resources, you know you don’t.

 

00;53;03;14 – 00;53;19;14

Dr. Mona

If you’re single, if you’re single parent, I get it’s hard, but if you have that person that comes once a week or, you know, hiring someone just for an hour so you can go for a walk just for an hour, so you can scroll on social media just for an hour so you can go cry and not be with your kid.

 

00;53;19;20 – 00;53;42;24

Dr. Mona

Just take that time for yourself. It’s important. And take that time for your marriage if you’re in one. Our kids look at the relationships that we hold, and the number one relationship that they’re going to look at is the one that you and your partner have. So if they’re seeing that mommy and you know, I have, you know, the kids, their mommy and daddy are arguing and yelling all the time.

 

00;53;42;26 – 00;54;02;22

Dr. Mona

It doesn’t teach them good things about relationships. Right? So if you’re finding that you and your partner are just not on the same page and look after marriage, it’s been reported that, sorry after I apologize after kids, it’s been reported that marriages can kind of obviously take a backseat. And we understand that I get it, but check in with your partner, ask, how are you feeling?

 

00;54;02;24 – 00;54;22;09

Dr. Mona

What can I do to help you? So again, I’m going to bring the example. And you know, no marriage is perfect. And obviously me and my husband, we go through our own things. Don’t get to please don’t ever feel that anyone’s perfect. I have to, tell you that. But when I got home from the hospital and I went through a traumatic delivery, my husband and mom were there, and my husband went back to work.

 

00;54;22;11 – 00;54;41;17

Dr. Mona

And there’s just one little thing that he did, and it’s just such a small thing. Before he left for work, he asked me, what can I do for you before I go? And I honestly didn’t need him to do anything, all right, I was good. I had Ryan were feeding like I got it, but the fact that he even asked, oh my gosh, like it meant the world to me.

 

00;54;41;17 – 00;54;54;12

Dr. Mona

And I started crying, you know, postpartum hormones. And from all we went through, I’m like, thank you. And, you know, I, I’m like, can you take out the trash? Because every, every, you know, if you’re married, if you are in a partnership with, you know, male, female, usually you ask your mom, your husband to take out the trash.

 

00;54;54;14 – 00;55;22;29

Dr. Mona

But I was like, oh my gosh, like, I it felt so good that one little thing, right? It takes one thing. It’s not so much of our time, but it’s that one thing that tells us that person cares. And I tell him that I’m like you. I knew you cared because of that action. And it means so much because if your child could see the way you interact with your partner or your, you know, your colleagues or your friends, it gives them a good idea of, wow, this is how I should interact.

 

00;55;23;01 – 00;55;44;05

Dr. Mona

And it also brings a happy, happy home. My philosophy that we’re allowed to have emotions as adults were allowed to have emotions as adults were allowed to yell, as adults were allowed, you know, to make mistakes. And so our kids. But what’s not allowed us to not grow from them, right? So I’m not okay with someone telling me, well, doctor, I’m going to be this forever.

 

00;55;44;05 – 00;56;02;28

Dr. Mona

I had this done this way, and this is who I’m going to be. That’s not growth. That’s not a growth mindset. That’s a fixed mindset. You’re not changing as a parent. You have to evolve as a parent. You have to learn what works for your child, and you have to learn what works for you guys. I’m so glad you joined me for today’s episode.

 

00;56;03;01 – 00;56;23;11

Dr. Mona

If you liked this episode, please review it. Share it on any social media channel. I really can’t express how important it is for you guys to share podcasting. Okay, these episodes sharing it really gets the word out and I am just so passionate to share so many more topics with you. Look, right now the coronavirus outbreak is going on.

 

00;56;23;11 – 00;56;59;25

Dr. Mona

I’m actually recording this on the day they announced that the, you know, it’s so now pandemic and, you know, the borders are closed into the U.S I’m just on this mission to really, really help families and reduce the anxiety and reduce just the stress we live in raising kids. I think about long time ago when, kids were being raised by our parents and it was easier because there wasn’t all this information and and yes, I’m giving you information, but I’m trying to tell you that we have to reduce the amount of information we got to reduce the amount of just that, that, that chatter.

 

00;56;59;25 – 00;57;22;07

Dr. Mona

Right. Because we have to be mindful, we have to enjoy our kids because it’s through that enjoyment that they can enjoy life too, that they can learn to be compassionate, mindful that their emotions are valid and that we’re going to teach them how to get through things. Because if we have kids, it is our responsibility to raise them to be good human beings.

 

00;57;22;09 – 00;57;39;07

Dr. Mona

Thanks again guys, and if you’re not already, make sure to follow me on Instagram at PedsDocTalk to continue this conversation. Lots of love to all of you. Stay healthy, wash your hands, protect the elderly and immunocompromised and we will talk to you soon.