On the Finding Joy Series, I I discuss the real-life ups and downs we experience as mothers, parents, and in life, how to be more mindful, and how to change our mindset to cause change. People-pleasing is a common learned behavior and it can have negative impacts. Tune in as I discuss:

• Characteristics of a people-pleaser
• How it negatively impacts motherhood
• How you can be kind, but not be a people-pleaser
• How to create healthy boundaries to regain time and mental space

00;00;01;01 – 00;00;22;26

Dr. Mona

In childhood, you may have been conditioned to not be a burden or had caregivers who were inconsistent in meeting emotional needs. Maybe you never observed your caregivers sharing their needs or sharing their wants. Or you were praised for being easygoing and just an easy kid. So you grew up feeling like I have to stay in line. I have to do what other people wanted me.

 

00;00;22;29 – 00;00;45;22

Dr. Mona

I never really learned that you can have your own wants and own needs and own feelings. Hey everyone, welcome back to the show and another episode of the finding Joy series, a series where I share stories and tips to support you as a parent and undo those things that don’t always serve us, especially as mothers. Before we continue, I wanted to thank you all for your reviews.

 

00;00;45;28 – 00;01;05;29

Dr. Mona

It means so much to me to see them online and it also helps the podcast grow. So continue to leave those reviews. I wanted to read off two reviews today. The first one said my favorite parenting podcast. Thank you so much! Doctor Mona’s podcast is one of the best podcasts out there for parents. Her finding Joy episodes and the Monday morning episodes with parent guests are amazing.

 

00;01;06;04 – 00;01;25;17

Dr. Mona

I just listened to her episode about embracing your shy child, and as a former shy child raising a shy child, these tips were so helpful on how to navigate that. Thank you Doctor Mona for all you do. It is so important for me on this podcast to share parenting tips, but also tips on how we can grow as parents and this is what the finding Joy episodes about.

 

00;01;25;23 – 00;01;47;21

Dr. Mona

This is what the Monday morning episodes are about, and this is why I continue to release all these episodes. The second review says amazing podcast. This podcast is absolutely amazing. Love all the content, but especially the finding Joy series. Doctor Mona talks about the real life issues and knows what it’s like since she’s a mom herself. I feel like every week when I listen to the new episodes, I truly resonate with them.

 

00;01;47;24 – 00;02;05;24

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much. Like I said, this is such an honor to be able to do this. And when I started the finding Joy series, it came out of an understanding that in order to make changes as parents in tantrums or feeding or whatever it is we’re trying to accomplish with our children. We have to go back to why am I frustrated?

 

00;02;05;24 – 00;02;27;27

Dr. Mona

Why am I nervous? Why am I feeling certain feelings as a parent? And this is why I created the finding Joy series. And this is why I love this podcast as a whole. So remember to leave your reviews to to support the show so the podcast can continue to grow. So now we are talking about people pleasing today.

 

00;02;27;28 – 00;02;52;02

Dr. Mona

Raise your hand if you are a people pleaser or a recovering people pleaser. If you’re driving, please make sure you are safe. I am. I feel like many women are. We are raised to be kind and polite and to go with the flow, and we grow up feeling worthy because of this. More to come about why people pleasing can begin in childhood and how it can affect us and motherhood, and also how people pleasing is different than being kind.

 

00;02;52;02 – 00;03;07;19

Dr. Mona

You can be kind, but not be a quote unquote people pleaser. But first, are you not sure what a people pleaser is? You’re going to want to listen to all of these things. And remember, it can be a few of these or many of this. You have trouble saying no and setting boundaries. This can be in work or relationships.

 

00;03;07;27 – 00;03;30;13

Dr. Mona

You avoid conflict because you do not want to make other people feel upset. You feel responsible for other people’s reactions and emotions. You place your worth on others happiness above your own. You commit even though you’re mentally and physically exhausted. This is like social activities, work projects, whatever it may be. You don’t ask for help because you feel like a burden to others.

 

00;03;30;15 – 00;03;52;24

Dr. Mona

You forgive people who don’t change hurtful behaviors. You can have low self-esteem. You feel worried about other people’s opinions of you based on, you know, work, relationships, whatever. You’re constantly thinking about how you’re perceived versus how you’re feeling. You constantly apologize. This can be again and work in relationships. You thrive on praise and listen. Some praise is really good, right?

 

00;03;52;24 – 00;04;14;23

Dr. Mona

But your entire words should not rest in others and what they think of you. You remain silent even if you don’t agree. You’re not used to standing up for yourself because it feels uncomfortable and that you are inconveniencing other people. You are everyone’s support system. This can be in relationships and work. You know, I’m considered everyone’s therapist and it sounds really.

 

00;04;14;25 – 00;04;33;17

Dr. Mona

Oh, how sweet and how helpful. But at some point I have to also put the boundaries and say, I can’t help you right now, or I need to take care of myself, taking on more that you can handle. This used to be me. Perfectionist. This is someone who goes above and beyond for others and everything. This also used to be me and it’s something I’m actively working on.

 

00;04;33;19 – 00;04;55;00

Dr. Mona

Caretaking everyone’s needs come before your own. Now, this is obviously very important in motherhood, but I’ll explain how we can balance this. And you don’t share your truths. You may be uncomfortable. You may be feeling like you do not want to do a certain activity, that you’re being spread thin, but you say yes anyways, even though you know it’s not in the best interest of your mental health because you do not want to let people down.

 

00;04;55;03 – 00;05;20;20

Dr. Mona

So does this sound like you? Are you still a people pleaser? Are you a recovering people pleaser? We have to talk about how we got here. People pleasing is a learned coping response from childhood or from our past. The brain coach on Instagram had a wonderful slide. She says that in childhood you may have been conditioned to not be a burden or had caregivers who were inconsistent in meeting emotional needs.

 

00;05;20;23 – 00;05;40;10

Dr. Mona

Maybe you never observed your caregivers sharing their needs or sharing their wants, or you were praised for being easygoing and just an easy kid. So you grew up feeling like I have to stay in line. I have to do what other people want of me and never really learned that you can have your own wants and own needs and own feelings.

 

00;05;40;12 – 00;06;01;24

Dr. Mona

It’s also known as the fan response. One of four stress responses adopted by the nervous system fight, flight, freeze. Are the other ones fine as a response to appease others and pacify the threat to maintain a sense of safety. So people pleasers are sort of programed to just keep the peace. Don’t argue, don’t say anything, don’t have confrontation.

 

00;06;01;26 – 00;06;22;07

Dr. Mona

And they do that because they’re trying to protect their peace and it gives them a sense of safety. But we also have to understand that we have to advocate for ourselves. We have to say when too much is too much. And sometimes we don’t do that. If we are people pleasers. How I look at this is we as parents have a role to raise kind children, but we do not need to raise people pleasers.

 

00;06;22;10 – 00;06;42;20

Dr. Mona

The difference between the two kind people are kind but have self-worth and no boundaries. They know when enough is enough. They know when a joke isn’t funny to them. They know when they’re being spread thin. They have insight into knowing their strengths, boundaries, and capabilities and saying no without hesitation. They are kind about it, but they know when to say no.

 

00;06;42;26 – 00;07;07;26

Dr. Mona

People pleaser struggle with boundaries. So many adults who are recovering people pleasers are still are. We’re constantly praised for being obedient, listening, etc. they never were praised or supported for speaking up for their beliefs. So they learn to conform. They learn to please the people around them because that’s what made them worthy. Their positive reinforcement came from how they meet others feel.

 

00;07;07;26 – 00;07;29;06

Dr. Mona

You know, I look back at my childhood and my mom is a people pleaser. She is very kind, and she never learned that boundary between kindness and being a people pleaser. And I got raised that way. I was praised for when I was obedient and listening, and whenever I would speak up about something, an injustice or something I didn’t want, I got yelled at by my father.

 

00;07;29;06 – 00;07;52;08

Dr. Mona

You know, I was told that I need to stop talking. I was told that it was, you know, his way or the highway. And I realized through that experience that I was being programed to be a people pleaser. I was yelled at, told that that was not good to speak up. I was praised for being obedient. And so you are raised with this sort of understanding because that’s all you know, that being obedient is all you should be doing.

 

00;07;52;13 – 00;08;13;20

Dr. Mona

And so many women are raised this way, right? Don’t speak up. Just do what you need to do. And it happened in my childhood and I think it’s really important that we understand that you can be kind, but that you do not have to be a people pleaser. Early on. People pleasers learn that their value derives from meeting other people’s needs and from being helpful and overly accommodating.

 

00;08;13;26 – 00;08;38;24

Dr. Mona

You pride yourself on being generous and dependable. Someone that people can count on. This is wonderful, but it can cause you to lose your identity, self-worth, and can lead to unhealthy boundaries. Why is this not healthy? Or this goes down to leaning too much on external validation. Internal validation is that self-worth? Self-Creation that you create your worth by your insight into your strengths, your weaknesses that you have.

 

00;08;39;01 – 00;09;02;08

Dr. Mona

You have humility. Listen to episode 116 for more on these values. I can help with confidence and internal validation. External validation is fine to some degree. You know we are social creatures. We like to know that people love us and that they find us worthy. But your underlying worth has to come from you. Your worth cannot be defined by what you do for others.

 

00;09;02;08 – 00;09;21;09

Dr. Mona

Putting others first, etc. you have to love yourself. So with your kids you’re going to teach them kindness, but you’re also going to teach them to voice concerns in constructive ways that this is okay and this is healthy, that we can have conversations, that it’s okay if they don’t like something, but that we will discuss it as a parent or caregiver.

 

00;09;21;09 – 00;09;41;18

Dr. Mona

We have to decide if that makes sense for the family. But it is not something that we hush them down. If they have an opinion, we don’t quiet them down. If they have a feeling. We really are trying to be receptive and understanding of their thoughts and their feelings. To be more mindful, parents. So why can people pleasing be so detrimental in motherhood?

 

00;09;41;20 – 00;10;01;03

Dr. Mona

There are many reasons people pleasers do people pleasing. Some worry about how others will view them if they say no. Others don’t want to be seen as lazy, selfish or uncaring, something which is deeply rooted in a fear of rejection and or failure in parenthood and motherhood. It is important to remember that we are responsible for raising children.

 

00;10;01;10 – 00;10;19;23

Dr. Mona

So of course somebody else’s needs matter. We can’t just say, I don’t feel like doing this today. I don’t want to do it. I just, you know, you fend for yourself. There is a balance of understanding that children do rely on us, and we have to create boundaries with the mental load that we have, because what happens is that you have to show up for your children.

 

00;10;19;24 – 00;10;39;17

Dr. Mona

You have to look at your resources, right. But then we become a pleaser in every other aspect. We people please our spouse. We people please our coworkers, our boss. You know, we’re doing so much for other people when we do not realize that maybe I need to assess the time that I have and the mental load that I’m already taking on partners, friends, and now we have a child.

 

00;10;39;17 – 00;10;59;14

Dr. Mona

Remember, you only have so many hours in a day and so much mental space. You have to recognize your many roles as a parent and set healthy boundaries for the balance that you need and personally want in your life. Also, in people pleasing, we can feel more hurt when our child says something that they don’t mean because they’re kids.

 

00;10;59;14 – 00;11;17;25

Dr. Mona

I’m being honest here. Our children will say things to us, or maybe push us away when we’re trying to give a hug or say, I want daddy when you have been gone all day and you’re going to feel really bad about it. And when we feel that people pleasing mentality that oh my worth is defined by how others perceive me, you’re going to feel really bad about it.

 

00;11;17;25 – 00;11;37;22

Dr. Mona

But I want to remind you that our children don’t really mean this. They are just having a moment and that they love you, and that your worth is so much more than the moments that your child may say, I want daddy or I don’t want to hug. They still need you. They still want you. Q that people pleaser feeling the rejection.

 

00;11;37;24 – 00;11;59;17

Dr. Mona

Trust me. Like I said, your kid loves you, but the part of your brain that does so much for others and just faced rejection is feeling confused. You have to learn to disassociate those moments and remember that you are loved, and then get curious about why your child may have said that without meeting that moment with shame, it was likely momentary and it was not intentional.

 

00;11;59;20 – 00;12;17;02

Dr. Mona

Another thing that it can do in motherhood is that you can commit, even though you’re mentally and physically exhausted. I know we’ve all been there, right? You want social connection or you want to do something on the weekend, but you are so tired and you just can’t say no. So you skirt around and say, I’ll let you know.

 

00;12;17;02 – 00;12;33;14

Dr. Mona

You know, you kind of lead them on and, you know, like, I’ll maybe join you for this event, but you know in your heart that you’re not going to go be honest with them and I’ll give you some examples or you do an alternative which is ghosting. And I, I it’s actually my least favorite thing, which is where you just do not respond or you say yes and then you just don’t show up.

 

00;12;33;15 – 00;12;52;10

Dr. Mona

That’s ghosting. That is not kind, right? That is you letting your people pleasing behavior get so into this moment that you are not setting a healthy boundary. And in turn, you’re actually going to make them more upset. So we do not want to do that. The other reason it can affect motherhood is that you are not asking for help because you’re afraid to burden other people.

 

00;12;52;10 – 00;13;08;21

Dr. Mona

And I hear this commonly. You feel that you have to do this, all right, that you have to be this perfect mom, that I got to do this, that if I ask my mother so the child’s grandmother for help, that I’m burdening them, that my kid only can be with me. But I’m here to say that we cannot do this alone.

 

00;13;08;24 – 00;13;27;16

Dr. Mona

That people pleaser in you is thinking that I have to make sure that everyone around me is happy all the time, that if they’re happy, then I am happy and then I’m worthy. But you can’t please everybody. You are not capable of doing that. Nor is that your responsibility. Everybody is a different human, same thing when it comes to parenting.

 

00;13;27;23 – 00;13;44;01

Dr. Mona

Your child isn’t always going to like the boundaries that you set as a people pleaser. If this is so ingrained in you, you could look at that as rejection. Your child isn’t like the boundary so that you think that your child doesn’t like you. That is not the case. They do not like the boundary, but they still love you.

 

00;13;44;08 – 00;14;03;05

Dr. Mona

So it’s really important to remember all the ways that people pleasing can show up in our life, but also how it can affect how we approach motherhood. This is important because people pleasers tend to not think about their self at all, because they’re constantly putting others before them. This isn’t healthy. You have to put your oxygen mask on first.

 

00;14;03;07 – 00;14;27;19

Dr. Mona

Think of eating. You can eat before you feed your child. You can drink a glass of water before you sit down for a breastfeeding session. You can take care of your immediate need first. It’s okay. Sometimes this means that your child may cry. Sometimes it may seem like they’re looking at you like, wait, what is mommy doing? Are you going to take like a ten minute, 15 minute break and just sit on the couch and not attend to their needs?

 

00;14;27;19 – 00;14;44;01

Dr. Mona

No, you’re just taking a moment to take care of your basic needs. Do you need to pee? Do you need to eat? Do you need to drink? I need you to take care of yourself. I promise you that your child will still love you. I promise you that you’re still worthy as a parent. The other thing that people pleasers tend to do is overcommit.

 

00;14;44;03 – 00;15;08;07

Dr. Mona

People pleasers have a really hard time saying no. So you say yes to every playdate, birthday party, event and you’re just burnt out. You say yes to items at work and tasks. You know you have to learn to say no. Using work as an example. For myself, my job had been asking me to do extra tasks for free committees, etc. and at first when I first started my job, I was like, oh wow, amazing.

 

00;15;08;10 – 00;15;30;15

Dr. Mona

And then I realized, why is this something that’s going to enrich my life? Is this a task that’s going to add value to my life? Is this something I have time for? I didn’t have a yes for either of those things, so I had to learn to say no. And saying no is very liberating. Saying no more leads to more yeses for your mental health.

 

00;15;30;18 – 00;15;47;02

Dr. Mona

If you keep saying yes, I can do this, yes, I can come to this event. Yes, yes, yes, you’re going to burn out and you’re not going to have space for your mental load and your mental health. You need to have more time to figure out what it is that you need more time to figure out what it is that you want, more time for you.

 

00;15;47;07 – 00;16;08;20

Dr. Mona

By saying no, you are allowing yourself to free up mental space and maybe space in your day as well. The other thing that people pleasers tend to do is build resentment. You say yes to everything for everyone without thinking of yourself, and you hold resentment, your partner says, but you know you just do it so much better. You are a much better cook.

 

00;16;08;22 – 00;16;26;09

Dr. Mona

Okay, that may be true, but maybe your partner can learn. Or maybe you can outsource cooking. Maybe you can get takeout, right? You have to think about yourself and what your schedule and mental load is able to handle. Maybe you really love cooking and that’s what you want to do. Or maybe you’re a good cook, but you just want a break sometimes, right?

 

00;16;26;09 – 00;16;43;16

Dr. Mona

So that people pleaser and you will be like, okay, I get so much of my worth from when I make food and that people love me because I make the food. So you consume yourself with making all of these meals and then you are tired, right? You’re cooking, you’re cleaning up the dishes. Maybe you say to yourself, how can I take a break from this sometimes?

 

00;16;43;16 – 00;17;00;11

Dr. Mona

How can I communicate with my partner that I need some time not to be in the kitchen? If that’s something that you want? And this can lead to resentment and feeling that you are constantly doing something for others without anything in return. So it’s really important to listen to your voice and say, is this something I really want to do?

 

00;17;00;11 – 00;17;18;12

Dr. Mona

And does it bring me joy? Or am I doing it because I feel I need to and I don’t really enjoy doing it all the time. So what do we do here? We have to create boundaries, which can ultimately free up more mental space and time for you and go back to self-care, quote unquote, and just let go of any resentment that can build.

 

00;17;18;15 – 00;17;36;04

Dr. Mona

We have to create boundaries. And boundaries are really important in parenting, but also in the relationships we have. And the things that we say yes to. People pleasers tend to feel that by saying yes and being available, they will feel more accepted, loved and valued. But it doesn’t. I mean, as you know, it’s going to make you feel more drained.

 

00;17;36;06 – 00;17;56;13

Dr. Mona

The goal of relationships must be a two way street, one that is mutually beneficial to all of those involved. Even as a parent, right? We can say that we do so much for our children, and it’s a beautiful thing because we get to see them grow, right? They know that we are there for them and it is a mutual relationship, even though it’s a parenting child relationship.

 

00;17;56;16 – 00;18;16;12

Dr. Mona

So if you’re feeling, you know, overwhelmed with the gazillion things on your plate right now, I need you to create a list of everything on your mind, on your to do list the things that are giving you anxiety, the things that are giving you angst in your life. Now let’s do an activity. Okay, so home activities, children work related, partner related, personal related.

 

00;18;16;15 – 00;18;39;04

Dr. Mona

See the list. Those are your main categories, right? I have a feeling the personal category is going to be the shortest, because people pleasers rarely think of themselves when they create lists. You have just put everyone in front of you, right? Your home, your children, your work, your partner. But you’re not taking care of yourself. So remember, when you make this list, I want you to notice how many things are in the personal category.

 

00;18;39;06 – 00;19;02;13

Dr. Mona

I hope that we can add more things to that personal category, because I want you to think about yourself and your needs because you matter too. Now that you have this list, I need you to think about what is most important in your life right now, in the next month and the next six months. I know our children are a huge responsibility, and I admit that they can’t take a backseat in your life unless you have help to take off the load, right?

 

00;19;02;13 – 00;19;20;09

Dr. Mona

Like, just say you have a partner that can help you with things, and while you’re managing something at work, or you have hired help, but when you don’t have those resources, you have to look at what you have in your life with the time and resources you have, and make choices and set boundaries so that you’re not spreading yourself too thin.

 

00;19;20;11 – 00;19;35;13

Dr. Mona

So then we have to start saying, where can I outsource things? And where can I say no? So you look at all the things that you have to do in your personal life, social life, you know, partner work and you say, okay, this is the needs that I have right now. My child needs me. Of course they need me.

 

00;19;35;13 – 00;19;59;13

Dr. Mona

I have to do this. You know, this is an important activity. But then you look at, can I start outsourcing things to a partner, paid help, a family member, you know, outsource the things that you’re able to do. And then we have to start saying no more. For things like work, we have to realize what our goals are at work, how it can balance with your family life at the moment that you are making this list.

 

00;19;59;13 – 00;20;28;03

Dr. Mona

Because I’ve been there, I know that when my son is going through a tougher phase, let’s just say a sleep regression, right? I may not have the mental capacity to say more yeses to activities at work because I’m drawing too. So you have to understand what’s happening. Like I said, in the resources and time that is going on in your life right now and saying yes or saying no, understanding the big picture of your goals, balancing family, personal child life, everything that you’re doing.

 

00;20;28;06 – 00;20;47;12

Dr. Mona

I know for pizza dog talk, I get these amazing opportunities and I often have to say no, you know, it sucks, but I don’t have childcare help all the time. And I’ve realized that in the big picture, it won’t matter, right? I’m still doing what I love and I get to raise my child. And it all comes down to understanding that you are going to have this sort of balance.

 

00;20;47;12 – 00;21;10;03

Dr. Mona

It’s going to be something that ever changes. Some months are going to be more difficult. Some months you’ll have to say no more, but you got to get comfortable saying no. So create the list. Look at all the things that you’re doing or thinking about. See where you can outsource. See where you can pivot and say no more to free up that mental space and to free up actual time for you.

 

00;21;10;10 – 00;21;33;04

Dr. Mona

As a recovering people pleaser, I know it can be hard saying no feels off or uncomfortable because you rarely did it, but I want you to know that it is okay to say no. And here are some self affirmations to tell yourself or write in your journal. If you have always been this people pleaser and you’re trying to kind of navigate this world of setting more boundaries, here are just a few.

 

00;21;33;07 – 00;21;55;27

Dr. Mona

I am lovable as me. I do not need to agree with everyone or everything. It’s okay if not everyone likes me. I do not need everyone’s approval to be worthy. It is normal and healthy to feel rejection. All human beings have felt this feeling. I will speak up if something doesn’t feel right and I can trust my instincts.

 

00;21;55;29 – 00;22;16;07

Dr. Mona

These are so important to tell yourself when you’re trying to navigate this world of removing people pleasing mentality and finally starting to learn to say no. Now, what do you say when you’re trying to create boundaries? It can be very uncomfortable saying no, so you can say no. Remember that it is a statement, but I get it that it can feel off for you.

 

00;22;16;09 – 00;22;35;06

Dr. Mona

So first of all, don’t explain. Like I said, no is enough. But I know that can be hard. But we often want to overexplain like with a long drawn out story. Oh, you know, I’m so sorry I have to reschedule this because, you know, my son had this thing in childcare so tough and it’s so hard. We tend to do that because we want them to understand that it is an inconvenience that we’re doing them.

 

00;22;35;07 – 00;22;55;21

Dr. Mona

We feel so bad that we have to cancel. But you don’t owe anybody this long overdrawn explanation. What you can say instead is I was looking forward to our meeting, but I need to reschedule. What date or time works for you? Why I love this is that we’re being kind, right? We understand that they now have to reschedule their meeting and what they were looking forward to.

 

00;22;55;23 – 00;23;14;07

Dr. Mona

So we’re being kind or being to the point, and we’re also showing them that their time is valuable by you asking them when they’re available, if you are the one canceling. So you’re putting the ball in their court and saying, hey, I had to cancel. I don’t need to give you an explanation, but when are you available? When creating boundaries also, don’t say sorry.

 

00;23;14;07 – 00;23;28;22

Dr. Mona

So much. So people pleasers tend to do this. I have an example like, you know, when I’m in the store and I cross paths with someone, just say I’m in their way. But even the terminology sounds like a people pleaser, right? Why am I in their way? So I’ll say I’m sorry and I’m like, wait, why am I sorry?

 

00;23;28;22 – 00;23;45;17

Dr. Mona

I am a human body and they are equally in my way too, right? Why is the fault placed on me? People pleasers tend to do that, right? Like, oh, I’m in someone who’s the way I’m inconveniencing someone else. So rather than saying sorry, just say excuse me. So we tend to say, oh, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

 

00;23;45;17 – 00;24;13;16

Dr. Mona

Like, if you’re in someone’s way or but replacement with excuse me, pardon me, try to change that sort of wordage so that you’re not always looking, that you are at fault for certain situations. Of course, if you are sorry, then say sorry. Like if it’s truly something that you did, but if you were walking in a store and you are equally in someone’s way as they were in your way, you say, oh, excuse me, that’s it again, you are still able to be kind and polite, but you do not have to over apologize for things that do not need an apology.

 

00;24;13;19 – 00;24;32;15

Dr. Mona

The other thing is, know what you need socially and don’t overcommit. You do not need to attend every birthday party and social event. If no feels weird, say that you can’t make it and that you’re looking forward to it. Do not go. So, like I mentioned earlier, ghosting is where you just do not respond or don’t show up after you said you’d be there.

 

00;24;32;15 – 00;24;50;29

Dr. Mona

That is not kind, right? That is not what we want. We want to be very honest about what we’re capable of and able to do. People pleasers tend to girls because they’re avoiding confrontation. But to be honest, people may have been counting on you to be there. And although it’s okay to say no and set boundaries, it is really important to be honest.

 

00;24;51;02 – 00;25;12;08

Dr. Mona

So look at your schedule for the month and don’t commit if you know it will be tight or be honest and say, hey, when is the absolute latest? I need to let you know and then you commit to that, right? You say, I will get back to you, thank you so much, but you want to make sure that you respect a deadline for an RSVP, but also that you do not just say yes to everything so that you are being overwhelmed.

 

00;25;12;11 – 00;25;28;13

Dr. Mona

And I know this is going to depend person to person. You are the only one that knows your resources, the time that you have the childcare help that you have, and also what your personality is. Maybe you’re more of an introvert and you do not like doing a lot of social activities. Maybe you are an extrovert and you do enjoy it, right?

 

00;25;28;13 – 00;25;46;20

Dr. Mona

So you don’t know anybody. An explanation as to why you’re not attending an event, why it’s not happening, but you have to think about, okay, the kind thing to do is to be very honest, say I can’t make it. If they ask you, be honest, right? And say, you know, I have some things going on, where can I send a gift if that’s something that’s important to you, but just don’t go straight.

 

00;25;46;21 – 00;26;04;29

Dr. Mona

Nobody benefits from ghosting. I hate ghosting, I’ve never ghosted anyone, even though I am a people pleaser. Like I said, all these things are not applicable to everyone who is a people pleaser. But I do not like the ghosting feeling. It’s not fun for anyone. So now let’s go through some examples of key phrases that you can say when you are wanting to say no.

 

00;26;04;29 – 00;26;20;29

Dr. Mona

But no is uncomfortable for you. So let’s just say that you are invited to an event. I won’t be able to make it. Thank you so much for thinking of me. I hope I can make it next time. Another example work asks you to do a project and you do not want to do it because you do not have the time or mental capacity.

 

00;26;21;01 – 00;26;39;15

Dr. Mona

You can say, thank you so much for thinking of me. I can’t commit to that task right now, but I would love to hear of any future opportunities down the line. You have made this seem like you understand that there’s gratitude that they thought of you, but that you can’t do it. But then keep the door open for other opportunities if maybe the timing’s right.

 

00;26;39;18 – 00;26;55;24

Dr. Mona

Another really important one for me is boundaries with loved ones or coworkers who joke at your expense and you do not like it. And I’ve been in this situation before too, where you don’t like the joke, you don’t think it’s funny, and you have a sense of humor, but you’re like, that’s actually kind of rude and or mean, right?

 

00;26;55;27 – 00;27;10;08

Dr. Mona

I know you think this is funny, but it doesn’t feel funny to me and just say like that, right? Don’t say, stop saying that or, you know, stop it. Just say it doesn’t feel funny. And I hope if it’s someone who loves you, they’ll appreciate you and understand that yes, I understand sometimes people can say, oh, lighten up.

 

00;27;10;08 – 00;27;31;26

Dr. Mona

Or you know, you need to not take things too seriously. But remember, you do not owe anyone an explanation. You do not owe anyone anything in terms of how they’re going to respond. You just set your boundary and other people are in control of how they respond. Just say you want to leave an event early and you feel bad because you’re a people pleaser and you’re like, I want to say, just say very simply, I can’t stay.

 

00;27;31;26 – 00;27;59;28

Dr. Mona

But thank you so much. This was amazing. In the end, the goal of undoing are people pleasing tendencies is to create more healthy boundaries. And this is so important to me because I talk so much about boundary setting with children. We are doing such a good job, I hope, in this community of boundary setting, but it’s really important that we create healthy boundaries with the loved ones in our life, you know, our friends, our partner and especially if you are working with work and also social activities.

 

00;28;00;02 – 00;28;19;08

Dr. Mona

By creating these healthy boundaries, we are freeing up more mental space and time for us. Does it mean that you’re going to do some massage or get your nails done? No, that is not the definition of self-care. I’m talking about mental peace and understanding that you are not overcommitting yourself and that you are thinking about your needs. Two things.

 

00;28;19;08 – 00;28;39;12

Dr. Mona

We as parents are severely lacking our mental space and time for us, especially as moms and I talked to so many moms who feel overwhelmed because they just have so much on their mind, or they feel overwhelmed because they feel they have no time and by boundary setting and saying no more, you are going to slowly realize that you’re going to gain that time back.

 

00;28;39;14 – 00;29;03;11

Dr. Mona

These boundaries may feel very uncomfortable because we’re not used to it, but it can make you a more mindful parent when we free up more space in our time and mind with less of that overcommitting, you know we are going to be more present for the moments and people who need us, which can be our kids or our partner and the humans in our lives that mean so much to us.

 

00;29;03;13 – 00;29;32;03

Dr. Mona

Remember that no is a full statement. If you feel uncomfortable saying no, I gave you some examples, but you have to recognize the boundaries that you need so that you can be more present as a parent. And also more present for yourself. Remember, you are only one person. You are loved. Not everyone has to love you. And the first step of creating space for others is creating mental space and time for yourself and your needs.

 

00;29;32;05 – 00;29;56;22

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for tuning in today. If you love this episode, make sure you share it on your Instagram Stories. Tag me, share it with a friend. Have a conversation about it. It means so much to me when you leave your reviews. I can’t wait to join you for another episode of The Finding Joy series next month, but continue to tune in to our weekly episodes, as well as our Monday morning episodes where I interview and talk to parents in this community.

 

00;29;56;28 – 00;30;14;07

Dr. Mona

Thank you, and I’ll talk to you next time. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.