I’m sharing a parenting principle of mine that has been a game-changer in creating independence, fostering autonomy, building confidence, and also reaffirming to our children that we are there for them when they need us.

It’s called the Independence/Intervention Principle and it will change the way you approach multiple parenting situations from infancy and beyond!

Tune in as I explain this principle, why it matters, and examples from the newborn months to school-age on how it works.

00;00;08;28 – 00;00;33;28

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. I am Doctor Mona and thank you for being here. On this episode, I’m diving into a parenting principle I love to share with families and use for our own son. It’s a principle that fosters their normal desire for autonomy as they get older. Obviously, especially in those toddler years. Builds confidence but balances this all with their need for you.

 

00;00;34;01 – 00;00;53;08

Dr. Mona

This is my dream to create a child that feels confident and understands that they are capable of doing things, but that if they need us as parents, they have us there. And yes, it’s true, we can raise kids who are independent, who do things for themselves, but who know if they need us. We are there. And guess what?

 

00;00;53;09 – 00;01;14;12

Dr. Mona

It can start in infancy. This is a principle that we started from when Ryan was born. And I’m going to give you some examples from infancy to older kids, but you’re able to use this concept in various aspects of your child’s life. This is a principle that I have created that kind of encompasses many different situations. If you are new here, make sure to subscribe to the podcast.

 

00;01;14;12 – 00;01;44;01

Dr. Mona

Leave a review or a rating please, so that people can find this resource and these parenting principle episodes and everything else I release here on the PedsDocTalk podcast. So this principle is actually simple. Allow independence before intervention. Independence. And then we intervene, giving our child opportunities to practice independence and experience autonomy helps them create a sense of mastery over their body, their mind and their environment.

 

00;01;44;03 – 00;02;03;02

Dr. Mona

And why is this principle so important for me from infancy and beyond? Our job is to look out after our infant’s needs and our child’s needs. Infants are going to have more care needs than, say, a toddler or an older child, right? Diaper changes. Feedings are going to be more frequent. This is important to recognize as you’re listening to this episode.

 

00;02;03;04 – 00;02;26;28

Dr. Mona

We cannot expect an infant to have the autonomy and independence of a toddler or an older child, but in small ways, we can show them that we do think that they’re capable of accomplishing something before we intervene as their loved one. This independence and intervention principle allows a child to do something for themselves, or at least try before we help them or reassure them.

 

00;02;27;01 – 00;02;45;28

Dr. Mona

This can give them confidence in accomplishing something. Promote troubleshooting skills, yes, even from a young age, and remind them that they are capable of doing something on their own. And if they are not, we are there for them. That is the key here. The independence intervention model is not leaving your child to fend for themselves. In a world where they do need a caretaker.

 

00;02;46;05 – 00;03;05;09

Dr. Mona

It’s just giving them a moment to show you what they’re capable of first before you help them out. Which to me, like I said, is parenting goals giving space for our child to do before we do it for them. Here are five examples of how to apply the independence and intervention principle from birth. Yes, from birth and beyond.

 

00;03;05;11 – 00;03;28;17

Dr. Mona

If you have another way that you have used this principle, make sure to DM me or tag me. As you practice this principle in many other parenting situations. So how does this work from birth? So in the newborn stage, passing gas and pooping. So yes, independence intervention at this stage is actually very vital. Many times babies are born with the discomfort when they pass gas or poop.

 

00;03;28;20 – 00;03;49;12

Dr. Mona

Why does this happen? I want to remind you that if it’s a new sensation for a child and this can be new for a few months, they are going to make grimaces are going to turn red in the face because this is new to them. In utero. They never had to practice doing this, and now they are outside drinking breastmilk or formula and having to figure out, well, how the heck do I get this gas or poop out of my body?

 

00;03;49;15 – 00;04;15;15

Dr. Mona

So it may not feel great. The baby is learning what this all means and tolerating a new sensation. But the sensation isn’t bad. It’s physiologic. Now, of course, if baby has blood in the stool spitting up or losing weight. This is medical and not simply physiological, but in the independence intervention principle, you are allowing your child to have and feel that sensation of passing gas or stool before you intervene.

 

00;04;15;17 – 00;04;34;23

Dr. Mona

And what do I mean by intervene? Many times I see a baby start to make that face in my office, right? Like they’ll start to grimace and move their body around, and the parent immediately picks them up and starts to try to help them out. We’re quick to jump up and bicycle their legs, or move them around, or flip them around, or give them something like a supplement for the gas.

 

00;04;34;25 – 00;04;54;09

Dr. Mona

I want you to try pausing. Allow them a moment to work it out. Give them 1 to 5 minutes or whatever you feel comfortable with with the time, and this number or time frame will increase as you learn more about your baby. Maybe initially, you’ll start 32nd moments of letting you know, seeing what they can do, and then it’ll build up to five minutes.

 

00;04;54;09 – 00;05;20;25

Dr. Mona

You’re going to know that as you learn about your child, and you’re going to let them wiggle and work it out. If they are still struggling after that time frame that you’ve selected, then of course you’re going to help them. But remember, why is this important? Pooping, passing gas all of that is a normal physiological sensation. If we immediately go and do it for them, we are not allowing them to do it for themselves and they need to learn how to do it for themselves.

 

00;05;20;25 – 00;05;42;27

Dr. Mona

This is a normal physiological process, something all human beings do. If it gets uncomfortable, truly uncomfortable, and you’ve waited a few moments to see what they can work out. Then you are there. That is how this independence intervention model works. But you have to give them the chance. Give them the opportunity to work it out before you intervene.

 

00;05;42;29 – 00;06;07;17

Dr. Mona

I have a son who dealt with the same stuff. Right? The passing of the gas, the the straining when he poops. And I know it can be really hard seeing their wiggly faces. The face turn red. I know it, I’ve seen it. I’ve been in offices. But I’ve train families to wait a moment before they do anything. And the more you wait, the more you’re going to realize that they also are going to realize that this actually isn’t so terrible.

 

00;06;07;22 – 00;06;22;26

Dr. Mona

This is normal. I’m going to get through it. And I know what you’re thinking. Well, what about their newborns? Like they need me? Remember, with this model, you are not going anywhere. You are just giving them an age appropriate amount of time to say, okay, I’m going to see if you can work it out. I’m not going to immediately just jump up.

 

00;06;22;29 – 00;06;42;26

Dr. Mona

The moment you start wiggling, I’m going to pause and take a moment and see what you can do. And if you need my help, I will be there. They are learning to do something that is physiologic passing gas or stool, something that every human being does and initially may not feel great, but they have to learn how to do it and you are going to be there to help them.

 

00;06;42;28 – 00;07;04;17

Dr. Mona

If it gets to a point where they’re like really uncomfortable. But I want you to allow them that pause and that independence moment first before you intervene. The next thing is in the infancy stage. And you can also kind of say in the newborn phase where, again, this is not sleep training, right? This is the concept of independence and intervention with sleep without sleep training.

 

00;07;04;19 – 00;07;26;03

Dr. Mona

So we often interrupt a baby’s normal sleep cycle by intervening too soon when the baby makes a sound, a cry, etc. they’re moving in between sleep cycles and they make a groan. Or they make a shriek and you think, oh, they’re up, let me go get them. I want you to practice independence with seeing 1 to 5 minutes if they’re going to settle back down on their own.

 

00;07;26;06 – 00;07;49;21

Dr. Mona

Remember, for a newborn, you’re not going to maybe do this as long because they’re newborns. But as they get older, you’re going to learn that. I’m going to take a little bit more of a moment, allow them the independence before I intervene. You can use this principle, like I said, in the newborn stages too, and you’re going to learn as they get older how much time you feel comfortable with doing the independence phase, which is allowing them to do it on their own.

 

00;07;49;27 – 00;08;08;01

Dr. Mona

And when you’re going to step in and intervene, I think there’s a misconception that if you allow any first time for your child, you’re not assessing their needs and that they’re not going to love you or that you’re going, they’re going to feel abandoned. On the contrary, this principle, you are allowing them the space and independence to accomplish something.

 

00;08;08;08 – 00;08;35;29

Dr. Mona

Sleep as an example and a skill. Falling asleep on their own. It gives them the independence to do so if they aren’t able to. Because they’re babies, you are there for them. You’re not leaving them alone to figure it out forever, but you have to give them the opportunity. I often find that kids will surprise you. I still remember us using this principle and surprising my mom and mother in law when Ryan was an infant, like around nine months, you know, they were staying with us.

 

00;08;36;01 – 00;08;51;11

Dr. Mona

And if he would wake up from a nap before the hours, like at 45 minutes, we would allow 15 minutes of an independent moment before we would go in and intervene. Meaning when we went in, we would go and calm him down. We would talk to him, but we left 15 minutes. This was a time frame that we created.

 

00;08;51;18 – 00;09;10;27

Dr. Mona

Understanding the temperament of our child and doing this principle from the newborn age. I would watch on a monitor while he’s, you know, rolling around, groaning, maybe even crying, maybe even fussing. My mom was quick to jump and she would want to go in. And I said, mom, let’s just wait and see what he will do. AKA the independence.

 

00;09;10;29 – 00;09;30;10

Dr. Mona

And lo and behold, he went to sleep for another hour. After he tossed and turned, he went to sleep and he woke up happy, content because I gave him a moment of independence. I had every intention of intervening if he needed me. I watched him on the monitor to assure his safety. Oftentimes, like I said, babies will make noises.

 

00;09;30;10 – 00;09;51;27

Dr. Mona

They may shriek. They may cry in between sleep cycles. Kind of hear me and you toss and turn. Babies will do the same thing. They’ll toss and turn and they’ll make a sound. But allowing them the moment and again, you decide that moment that can give them the independence and confidence they needed and also show you that they’re capable, which is the whole model of this independent and intervention model.

 

00;09;51;29 – 00;10;13;10

Dr. Mona

You are going to them if they can’t do it on their own. I think we forget that with the independent intervention principle that I’m talking to you all about, you’re allowing them a moment to show you what they can do before you go in and help them out. The next one is in the infant and toddler years, which is brushing like brushing of teeth.

 

00;10;13;12 – 00;10;40;09

Dr. Mona

I put this in infancy because I do believe this principle applies this early for brushing autonomy. From the moment that first tooth comes in, allow your child to brush first. This will mean an issue. They’re going to chew on the toothbrush. They’re not going to really know what to do. You can show them with, you know, your own fake toothbrush that you have in your mouth, like you’re not really brushing, but you’re showing the motions, but you’re allowing them the autonomy independence of showing you what they can do first before you intervene.

 

00;10;40;12 – 00;10;59;01

Dr. Mona

But remember, as parents with brushing, we have to follow through with the intervention part. They don’t have the dexterity and ability to brush on their own until early school age. Even some dentist will say eight years old. So following up is vital, but rather than immediately going in first, allow them the opportunity and space to show you what they can do.

 

00;10;59;03 – 00;11;21;01

Dr. Mona

Applaud their efforts. Verbally encourage them. Celebrate them doing it and not essentially celebrate them accomplishing the finish task. Saying, hey, great job brushing your teeth even though yes, in your head it’s not a full brushing job, right? Like they didn’t get all the nooks and crannies. You are applauding their effort in doing something on their own. The independence that I’m mentioning.

 

00;11;21;04 – 00;11;43;28

Dr. Mona

And then you’re finishing up by them seeing you recognize their independence and autonomy even from a young age, they will be more willing to do it again. This is positive reinforcement, but when they are doing something on their own, for example, if they are brushing their teeth, quote unquote brushing like, you know, putting their the brush in their mouth and moving it around, great job you’re doing.

 

00;11;43;28 – 00;12;04;21

Dr. Mona

So great than last time. You’re working really hard. Same thing with mealtimes. You know, if it’s a child who’s learning how to self feed and is more hesitant. You’re doing a great job than last time. I am noticing that you were able to bring the food to your mouth. You should be very proud of yourself again, not applauding them, finishing all their food, not applauding them for brushing their entire, you know, all their teeth.

 

00;12;04;26 – 00;12;23;24

Dr. Mona

It’s applauding the effort. And that is what builds confidence, right? That is what builds that understanding that wow, my caretaker understands that I’m capable and doing this. But of course they need to finish up. So allow them to do it on their own. But remember that you are going to have to follow up with teeth brushing because they don’t have the dexterity to do so.

 

00;12;23;27 – 00;12;43;00

Dr. Mona

But by doing this independence intervention model with Toothbrushing and also like I mentioned with feeding, you were going to allow them that confidence. They need to finally come around and say, oh, I’ve been doing this, mommy or daddy or my caregiver is recognizing it and it’s not so bad, right? If we make a big hoopla and say, okay, okay, you don’t have to do it.

 

00;12;43;02 – 00;13;03;12

Dr. Mona

You’re not allowing them that space. Kind of what I said with getting so overworked when the child starts to pass gas, allow them the moment, allow them to feel allow them to do first before we help them out. The next example has to do with late infancy. In the toddler years, which is frustration and play. You know your child is upset because they can’t figure out how to get puzzle pieces together.

 

00;13;03;12 – 00;13;20;29

Dr. Mona

Let’s use that example. We often feel like we want to do things for our kids, but you’re going to practice the independence and intervention principle and give them the space to do it on their own and intervene and show them if they can’t figure it out. So as an infant, you may find less time in that independence phase.

 

00;13;20;29 – 00;13;37;26

Dr. Mona

And that’s okay, right? Because they’re younger, they’re not going to have the cognitive ability to be able to do something that a 4 or 5 year old can do in that same task, but you are allowing them that moment before you intervene. And don’t feel bad if you intervene quicker, because like I said, that’s very natural in this infant year.

 

00;13;37;28 – 00;14;02;03

Dr. Mona

But as they get older, you’re going to notice that they’re going to have more ability in that independence phase. Remember, this principle is a parenting principle to allow that sort of balance of doing things on their own and you intervening when they need you, but allow them to get frustrated if they’re frustrated. The first step, and this is an infancy as well, is I want you to verbalize what you want them to do.

 

00;14;02;05 – 00;14;24;01

Dr. Mona

So rather than taking the puzzle away from them or taking the toy away for them, I want you to verbalize what you are seeing and what you can do and walk them through that situation. So I see you are frustrated because you can’t figure this out. Try putting the piece another way. So you see that right now I’m verbalizing that.

 

00;14;24;01 – 00;14;55;17

Dr. Mona

I see that they’re frustrated, and then I’m verbalizing what they can do to troubleshoot versus yanking the toy away from them and showing them yourself. I want you to start with that sees first as the independence balance with the intervention. You’re only intervening with talking. Let them troubleshoot with your verbalization. If they continue to be frustrated, because again, this can happen in the infancy years and even toddler years, and they continue and you are verbalizing and they’re still not figuring it out, you’re going to sit with them and show them how to do it.

 

00;14;55;19 – 00;15;14;02

Dr. Mona

You’re going to say, mommy’s going to show you, and you’re going to show them how to put the puzzle pieces together, and you’re going to narrate and verbalize while you are doing so. And I can’t stress this enough. People feel like infants don’t understand. And I get it that they can’t speak like a toddler or an older child, but they are listening to your nonverbal cues.

 

00;15;14;02 – 00;15;32;13

Dr. Mona

They are listening to your verbal cues of how you are doing something, and that repetition is key as they get through those toddler years. So show them, but narrate what you’re doing and then you can allow them to try again themselves. Try not to take the item away in frustration. Right? Okay, let me show you. Let me show you.

 

00;15;32;13 – 00;15;54;23

Dr. Mona

That’s not what you want to do. You want to show them calmly so that when they are upset and frustrated, not only are you showing that you’re calm in their frustration while they’re trying to figure something out, but you’re also modeling the troubleshooting. Ryan, our son, would get so frustrated with puzzles like I’m talking, just throw them and get so upset, and we would just verbalize and say, I see that you’re really upset because you can’t figure it out, and that is okay.

 

00;15;54;25 – 00;16;13;28

Dr. Mona

I want you to try it again. It’s almost as if her his hands were moving faster than his mind, right? He wanted to do it, but he couldn’t figure it out and he would just get so upset. This independence and intervention principle would allow him that space to say, okay, I’m going to figure it out. It’s okay that I get frustrated because again, we want to normalize frustration.

 

00;16;13;28 – 00;16;38;12

Dr. Mona

I think when we our children get frustrated, we immediately feel we need to jump. No no no no no. In the moment of frustration is when they can learn to troubleshoot in the moment of frustration and giving them the independence to feel the space, to feel is when they develop those cognitive skills to work around that frustration. I want you to think about when you have been very frustrated with something, right?

 

00;16;38;14 – 00;16;54;04

Dr. Mona

And you probably were like, oh gosh, I can’t figure out this task at work. So you as an adult, obviously you would try it on your own, maybe troubleshoot something, and if you couldn’t figure it out, you would go to your supervisor or you would go to someone else. This is kind of how I want you to approach children.

 

00;16;54;06 – 00;17;12;28

Dr. Mona

They are young, so of course they can’t figure everything out on their own. They need us, but we want to give them the opportunity to troubleshoot in their frustration, because that is when you can get the most creative and most innovative outcomes. I have seen Ryan get frustrated in play many times, and I’ve sat there with him. I’ve given him the space to feel the frustration.

 

00;17;13;05 – 00;17;38;07

Dr. Mona

But out of that has now come a child who loves puzzles, who now is able to put a puzzle together because he was allowed the space to be frustrated by it. I did not get upset at the frustration. I allowed him to feel his feelings, and then I also helped him. If he was really upset from the infancy age and into the toddler years, this concept is so important for me and play because again, our children are going to get frustrated.

 

00;17;38;14 – 00;18;01;01

Dr. Mona

And you can also say that even in any sense of frustration, right? When they are frustrated, allow them to feel frustrated. Verbalize what you are seeing and if they need your help. At that moment, I want you to verbalize what they can do versus actually physically doing it. If they’re still frustrated, you can see how long you feel comfortable doing the cycle, but then you will intervene as the loving parent you are.

 

00;18;01;03 – 00;18;20;29

Dr. Mona

And this concept of frustration and play can also be used when a child’s learning how to roll. Reach for things, tummy time, walking. In so many instances where your child is learning a new skill and getting frustrated, our immediate reaction is let me pick them up. If they if they fell right, if they’re trying to walk and they fall, obviously make sure they’re not like really hurt.

 

00;18;21;01 – 00;18;39;22

Dr. Mona

But I want you to say, okay, you fell. See if you can get yourself back up. And again you’re verbalizing the troubleshooting. Right. But allow them that space if they really need it, you go to them. But the more you can do that again, the more you are telling your child, I have faith in you that you can do this, and if you can’t, don’t worry, I’m going to help you out.

 

00;18;39;22 – 00;18;57;26

Dr. Mona

And that is how we create that confidence that I mentioned early on the last example. And remember, these are just five examples. But you can use this principle in so many different ways. Is your school age child with schoolwork. So schoolwork is getting tougher and tougher. And we oftentimes feel we want to help them. So it’s over or they’re frustrated and you’re like, okay, let me just help you out.

 

00;18;57;26 – 00;19;25;11

Dr. Mona

But remember what I said earlier, in times of frustration and in times of understanding that we are not afraid or upset with their frustration, is when they can learn the biggest breakthroughs and what they’re trying to figure out. They can pivot and learn that maybe I’ll do something different. So I believe that the independence and intervention model is so important in school age children because by verbalizing, using positive reinforcement and highlighting the right, they are going to learn that, okay, I can do this.

 

00;19;25;14 – 00;19;51;18

Dr. Mona

I see this is difficult for you and it’s new. Can you try it again another way? Try it again. And if you’re still having difficulty, come to me and we can see how we can make it work together. Meaning you are not going to do it for them. You’re going to work with them. Remember, this is all about a team effort, and the independence and intervention principle allows that team effort, where you are allowing a child to show you what they can do on their own, and if they can’t, you’re going to figure it out together.

 

00;19;51;18 – 00;20;12;10

Dr. Mona

You’re not going to do everything for them. You are going to do it with them. That concept is so important from a young age because I get in infancy. We are the ones who do things for our children. But if you have the mentality that we’re doing things together versus me doing things for you, you’re going to create that teamwork that I think is so important in parenting.

 

00;20;12;13 – 00;20;33;21

Dr. Mona

Allow them the chance to feel the frustration, work through that frustration, and you’re okay seeing the frustration and not dismissing them through the frustration. They can actually learn how to pivot and do something else. So if in the moment they’re frustrated and you immediately fix it for them, they’ll never learn to pivot to fix it themselves. Every child will experience struggle and failure.

 

00;20;33;26 – 00;20;50;21

Dr. Mona

I mean, we have to be accepting of this the more we try to resist them and, you know, avoid failure and struggle, they’re going to be disappointed in their lives because it’s going to happen. So when we are with them being able to teach them healthy coping skills, that is when they’re going to lead to the biggest breakthroughs.

 

00;20;50;24 – 00;21;12;14

Dr. Mona

The independence intervention model allows them to show you and struggle with you nearby. You’re not there to judge. You’re not there to be upset. So when they actually do struggle without you there, they feel confident that they can handle this. That is why this independence and intervention principle is so important to me. And you see how I brought it from newborn to school age?

 

00;21;12;16 – 00;21;33;25

Dr. Mona

But this is something that’s so useful in every age that your child may be, and in many situations, so from infancy, by doing this independence and intervention principle, you are setting up a standard to your child that I see you as capable. I will give you some space to show me what you can do, but I will be there for you if you can’t figure it out.

 

00;21;33;28 – 00;21;54;07

Dr. Mona

And I am okay with all of the emotions that this learning process can bring, this is vital to show our children that we trust in their abilities and that we aren’t going anywhere if they truly need us. It works for when they start putting on clothes, right? Like when they’re putting on clothes I get sometimes you’re gonna have to put it on for them because you got to get out the door.

 

00;21;54;09 – 00;22;12;24

Dr. Mona

But with shoes. When Ryan was learning how to put on shoes, we allowed him to figure it out first and then gave him some space. Verbalize through it. You’re doing a great job. Very nice. You’re trying really hard to strap that. And then if he couldn’t do it, we would help him. But the more we kept doing that, finally, the independence kicked in from just the age of development.

 

00;22;13;01 – 00;22;38;02

Dr. Mona

But he also had the confidence that, oh my mommy and daddy from a young age were just teaching me that I am capable. It helps during meal times. Like I mentioned, when you’re starting out, it’s so feeding and so many more instances. We often feel that we need to jump in for our child right away. But if we waited to see what they can do first, we may be surprised and give them the space to show us how awesome and how capable they really are.

 

00;22;38;04 – 00;22;58;27

Dr. Mona

Practice this independence and intervention principle and let me know how it works for you. And remember to leave a review and rating and tell your friends and family and loved ones about this podcast, because I have many more parenting principles. Guests coming your way, and mindset episodes coming at you in the weeks to come. Thank you and I’ll talk to you next time.