How can parents create an emotionally safe space for their child when their home is no longer secure? Environmental crises like the LA fires have displaced families, leaving parents navigating uncertainty while trying to comfort their children.

Today, I’m joined by fellow pediatrician Dr. Harvey Karp, who experienced the loss of his own home, to discuss how we can support children in processing trauma and building resilience after life-altering events.

We discuss:

• How parents can support children through difficult experiences by acknowledging their emotions, using age-appropriate language, and allowing them to express their fears and grief in a safe environment.
• That acknowledging emotions and using age-appropriate language can help children express fears and grief in a safe environment
• How to help them regain a sense of control and security after traumatic events

 

To connect with Dr. Harvey follow him on Instagram @happiest_baby and check out all his resources on https://www.happiestbaby.com and purchase his best-selling book The Happiest Baby on the Block

 

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and subscribe to PedsDocTalk.

 

00:00:00 The Emotional Impact of Natural Disasters on Kids

00:01:05 Understanding the Grief of Losing a Home

00:03:06 Navigating Loss as a Pediatrician, Parent, and Community Member

00:05:46 What Helps (and Hurts) When Supporting Someone After a Disaster

00:09:27 Talking to Kids About Natural Disasters Without Creating Fear

00:12:05 The Power of Emotional Validation in Parenting

00:17:19 Helping Kids Cope with the Aftermath of Trauma

00:22:51 Encouraging Kids to Be Helpers and Build Resilience

00:26:22 Teaching Kids About Environmental Stewardship

00:33:55 Final Thoughts: Creating Connection Through Loss

 

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships page of the website.

00;00;00;17 – 00;00;21;04

Dr. Harvey Karp

And for a lot of the kids in the fires and in these other, natural disasters, it’s like, now I’m vulnerable because I saw your face. Mommy and daddy. I saw the fear on your face. And if you’re afraid, how do you think that makes me feel? And again, it’s not that parents are going to be perfect. You you are allowed to have your feelings.

 

00;00;21;04 – 00;00;39;02

Dr. Harvey Karp

You try not to act out too much in front of your kids, right? You do want to keep it together if you can, but you can also turn lemons into lemonade. And when it does happen, you could say, whoa, you you you were watching mommy. And that looks scary to you. I saw your face got sad and my face was really scared.

 

00;00;39;05 – 00;00;46;01

Dr. Harvey Karp

And you can turn it into something because if you talk about it, you can you can gain mastery over it.

 

00;00;46;03 – 00;01;05;25

Dr. Mona

Welcome to the show. It’s me, Doctor Mona, your trusted pediatrician, confidante and mom friend here to support you through every twist and turn of parenting. You’re listening to the PedsDocTalk podcast, where I host honest conversations that empower your parenting journey. Whether this is your first episode or you’re a long time listener, I promise you’ll get plenty of insights.

 

00;01;05;28 – 00;01;30;18

Dr. Mona

You want to know the worst thing you can say to someone who just lost their home? At least it was just stuff, because to them, it was everything. Their home wasn’t just walls, it was memories, safety, stability. And when it’s gone in an instant, the grief is deep. Today we’re talking about what actually helps when someone is navigating devastating loss, even if it’s the loss of things.

 

00;01;30;20 – 00;01;53;23

Dr. Mona

Today I’m speaking with Doctor Harvey Karp, a pediatrician and founder of Happiest Baby, aka The Snoo creator and parenting expert who recently lost his home and community in the California wildfires. He’s here to share not only his personal experience, but also his expertise in helping families as a pediatrician in that community and helping children process loss, whether from natural disasters or other life altering events.

 

00;01;53;25 – 00;02;15;11

Dr. Mona

If you’ve ever found yourself not knowing what to say to someone who’s grieving or thinking, well, at least they had insurance. This episode is for you. Because the reality is, rebuilding a home is one thing rebuilding a sense of safety, belonging, and emotional security. That’s a whole different challenge. Let’s get into it.

 

00;02;15;14 – 00;02;21;17

Dr. Mona

First of all, thank you so much for joining me, Doctor Karp. I know it’s been a difficult time for you. I really appreciate your time today.

 

00;02;21;19 – 00;02;46;02

Dr. Harvey Karp

Yeah. Thank you for having me on. It’s important discussion. And, I mean, we, it is an amazing trauma that I was actually not in Los Angeles at the time. My wife was at, spent a couple of hours watering the area around the house to try to protect it, but, it was to no avail. So being away from that when it was happening was very difficult for me.

 

00;02;46;02 – 00;03;06;07

Dr. Harvey Karp

But, you know, when everything we lived there for 30 years and when everything you own, every bit of memorabilia, literally is gone in a couple of hours, and you’re home and it turns out that a mile away, we just moved our daughter and son in law and their two kids from New York to be close to us.

 

00;03;06;09 – 00;03;46;08

Dr. Harvey Karp

We rebuilt their house, and, and at the same time, our house was burning down. Their house was burning down. And so it’s just been, really, a devastation. And then, as you said, the entire community, it’s one thing. If your house presents a terrible thing to happen, you know, if you have an electrical shortage or who knows what, but to have a devastation of an entire ecosystem environment, your your neighborhood for the last 30 years, of course, people who go through different natural disasters that unfortunately, we’re all becoming more familiar with, floods and things like that, that really can affect a broad swath in addition to whatever your personal losses.

 

00;03;46;10 – 00;03;51;28

Dr. Harvey Karp

So it is something that more and more we pediatricians are engaging with families about.

 

00;03;52;00 – 00;04;08;11

Dr. Mona

And, you know, I want to get into so, so many things. We could talk for a long time about this and just share, obviously, your experiences and what you’ve done as a pediatrician and being in that community. But before we get into the conversation, I always ask my guests this what is one thing you hope our listeners take home by the end of the conversation?

 

00;04;08;13 – 00;04;31;29

Dr. Harvey Karp

I guess some some, it’s a series of practical points of ways to approach these things. You know, as parents, we don’t have the the guidebook. You know, I’ve been there. You’re kind of, unfortunately, on the age of the internet, there are there are guides, that you can, search for. But, you know, we’re all flummoxed by these complex discussions.

 

00;04;31;29 – 00;04;53;21

Dr. Harvey Karp

How do we help our kids process it and and move forward and be strengthened by the experience, if at all possible? And so I’m hoping that I’ll be able to give some very specific ideas for ways to interact with kids and not just through these major disasters, but through the things that happen, you know, on a week by week basis that are upsetting in your in your life.

 

00;04;53;21 – 00;05;00;16

Dr. Harvey Karp

Also, because we’re dealing with a big aspect of something that is a much more common phenomenon in families.

 

00;05;00;23 – 00;05;21;00

Dr. Mona

And, you know, one of the things I wanted to ask you as a fellow pediatrician, being in this community that had so much devastation is oftentimes, you know, you’re a pediatrician, you obviously have a parent, you’re a parent. You said you just moved your child and they lost their home, too. And how has it been navigating that, that as a pediatrician and, parent and a member of this community?

 

00;05;21;00 – 00;05;40;08

Dr. Mona

Because I know you know, this, that after many disasters or for example, for me, there was a school shooting near where I practice, people turn to the pediatrician for strength at the same time that we’re also struggling, right, with the same things that are happening. I mean, you lost your home. People may lean on you because you are a figure that has been supportive of your community.

 

00;05;40;08 – 00;05;46;19

Dr. Mona

And so how has that been navigating it, both as a pediatrician, a parent, a member of your community?

 

00;05;46;21 – 00;06;05;15

Dr. Harvey Karp

I think it’s almost a blessing as a pediatrician and a parent, to be able to focus on what your children and your grandchildren need so that you don’t have to focus on. I mean, we had, both my wife and I had a difficult time last night as we were having visions of the things that we we loved so much and imagine flames around them.

 

00;06;05;15 – 00;06;27;03

Dr. Harvey Karp

And, you know, you’re your mind can really become, obsessed with some of these images and, and that’s it’s better to get distracted, especially during this, this period of the immediate, the grief that occurs. So I welcome that. I’m glad to be helpful. We had, you know, my my little granddaughter who cut her her gums the other day was bleeding.

 

00;06;27;05 – 00;06;36;04

Dr. Harvey Karp

So I had to go over and be a grandparent and a pediatrician. And that was kind of a nice, I mean, not nice for her, obviously, but I was happy to be able to be available.

 

00;06;36;07 – 00;06;51;08

Dr. Mona

I mean, you’re a helper, right? Like me. And my favorite quote is from Mister Rogers about, you know, whenever in times of chaos or I’m not getting the quote right, but look for the helpers, right? I mean, going to your grandchild, I know it’s your grandchild, but helping and talking to people and yeah, you know, I really appreciate you sharing that moment of vulnerability.

 

00;06;51;11 – 00;07;12;19

Dr. Mona

Yeah, yeah. Because sometimes, sometimes our listeners or sometimes people forget that we are also human, that doctors have feelings, that they have loss. And, you know, one of the things I wanted to ask, having experienced this is what do you think was helpful for people from the outside, like, let’s say, me coming to you, you had this loss which is a huge loss of a home and memories.

 

00;07;12;21 – 00;07;18;23

Dr. Mona

What are some helpful things that people said and what are some unhelpful things that people said after this has happened?

 

00;07;18;26 – 00;07;41;19

Dr. Harvey Karp

Well, you know, number one, just people caring is enormously important. The number of, texts and emails and calls that we got, are you okay? You know, and just learning about it and having that sense of people caring, is enormously important. I mean, no one can wave a magic wand, and suddenly your house comes back. People, we were we were at a cafe.

 

00;07;41;19 – 00;08;07;04

Dr. Harvey Karp

At a cafe? A couple of days ago. The whole family just trying to figure out, you know, what houses we’re going to look at, because not only is are we out of houses, but but thousands and thousands are. So trying to find someplace to live is extremely difficult in our in our community. But we started talking to the people at the table next to us because there’s that sense, you know, breaking down the boundaries when you’re involved in these things.

 

00;08;07;04 – 00;08;21;17

Dr. Harvey Karp

They were very empathic, and the women ended up saying, listen, I’ve got two, I’ve got grandkids, I got two bedrooms. I don’t you don’t know me, I don’t know you. But if I can be helpful and and you need a place to crash, you’re more than welcome. I mean, that kind of thing. That is.

 

00;08;21;17 – 00;08;22;14

Dr. Mona

So nice.

 

00;08;22;14 – 00;08;29;27

Dr. Harvey Karp

It really is wonderful. And. And things that aren’t helpful. Why didn’t you have more fire insurance?

 

00;08;29;29 – 00;08;46;17

Dr. Mona

Right? Right. Well, I mean, that’s what I was hearing here, right? Like, well, why would you build a house in that place if, you know it’s prone to fires? I got I get that from hurricanes. And so I could add to that because everyone is like, oh, there’s a few things. Why wouldn’t you leave? Why did you. You know, there’s so much like Monday morning quarterbacking when you haven’t experienced it.

 

00;08;46;17 – 00;09;02;12

Dr. Mona

And I, you know, with hurricanes is much different. But I know a lot of people who hunker down and then devastation happens because they don’t know how bad it’s going to be. Right. And then fires. It happens so fast. Obviously you get the warnings, but then it’s like, well, yeah, you have insurance. It’s not so bad. You just mentioned that you lost your your home.

 

00;09;02;12 – 00;09;18;19

Dr. Mona

Like, yeah, I mean that was 30 years and you were envisioning a I mean it’s a community. I, I don’t look at it. It’s just a loss of a home and that you have insurance that can rebuild. It’s I look at it as these are memories. These are safety, like a sense of safety that people don’t have. And you like you said, the whole community is devastated.

 

00;09;18;19 – 00;09;27;18

Dr. Mona

It’s not like you have the grocery store to go to. It’s like everyone’s rebuilding together. And that’s really hard when it’s happening to everybody.

 

00;09;27;20 – 00;09;33;20

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;09;33;23 – 00;09;49;04

Dr. Harvey Karp

Oh yeah, that’s really true. Fortunately, it’s very few people who have that that, that wagon sponsor your attitude. Yeah. So people have really been overwhelmingly very friendly and caring and responsive. Empathic.

 

00;09;49;07 – 00;09;56;20

Dr. Mona

And if you remember asking, how old are your grandchildren? Because I’m not sure if they’re the age of like, they were asking questions about what happened or anything like that, or one of them’s a toddler.

 

00;09;56;24 – 00;09;59;17

Dr. Harvey Karp

Not so much. Yeah, it’s a three year old and a one month old.

 

00;09;59;18 – 00;10;17;07

Dr. Mona

So my next. Yeah. My next question is, you know, from your perspective, I mean, this is the first time this has happened to you like a natural disaster. But how can parents talk to their children about natural disasters? Maybe they’re happening more or in general in a way that’s honest but doesn’t create fear for the child or, you know, anyone listening?

 

00;10;17;09 – 00;10;40;05

Dr. Harvey Karp

Yeah. And and I would broaden this discussion because it’s people who are involved in these, you know, devastating experiences, but they’re also kids who hear the news, hear their parents talking and, and wonder if they have a vulnerability or are they safe. So it actually is a pretty broad discussion for parents to be able to engage with their kids.

 

00;10;40;07 – 00;10;58;29

Dr. Harvey Karp

Obviously, it depends on the age of the child. Right. So as you said, you know, with my three year old granddaughter, we’re not talking about fires, you know, she did. Fortunately, she didn’t see it. She wasn’t in immediate danger. They evacuated and got got out of there before there was any exposure to more than just a little bit of smoke.

 

00;10;59;02 – 00;11;22;00

Dr. Harvey Karp

So that’s not an issue. There are other issues which we can talk about in terms of stability and normalcy and relationship. But, you know, once kids are I kind of think of there’s a wonderful series of books by, authors ILG, ILG and Ames. These are older books are from the 1970s even. It’s called Your One Year Old.

 

00;11;22;00 – 00;11;41;01

Dr. Harvey Karp

It’s a series. You’re one year old, your two year old, your three year old, your four year old. So they’re a little bite sized books. And the four year old one talks about how they are sunny and happy and funny. The five year old talks about how they are more open to what’s going on in the world. I think about it like a four year old.

 

00;11;41;01 – 00;12;02;25

Dr. Harvey Karp

No, it’s their backyard. Every square inch of it. They run around. A five year old puts a chair up to the back fence and climbs on the chair and looks over the fence and suddenly sees there’s a huge world out there. And they recognize that there are risks and dangers, and they hear about, you know, four year olds maybe worry about monsters, but strangers and and thieves.

 

00;12;02;25 – 00;12;05;16

Dr. Harvey Karp

And can I be kidnaped? No. Said yes.

 

00;12;05;16 – 00;12;05;27

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;12;05;29 – 00;12;24;17

Dr. Harvey Karp

Make your mind a three year old would never in the world think of those things. A five year old can wait on those. They hear about a relative dying. And can this happened to Mommy and Daddy? They really start going over things in their mind. So this is the age number one where you want to be open to hearing what your child is thinking about.

 

00;12;24;20 – 00;12;52;20

Dr. Harvey Karp

And that’s a bit tricky in and of itself, because you can’t just say, well, what are you thinking? Some kids will express, express that other kids are more hesitant. They aren’t sure what they’re feeling other than some general experience of anxiety. Others feel like someone may make fun of them for their fear or their concern. I wrote a book called The Happiest Toddler on the block and that talks about, a technique called toddler ease.

 

00;12;52;20 – 00;13;21;21

Dr. Harvey Karp

How do you translate anything you want into a young child’s language? And it’s really what we do with adults as well, which means that when a person is upset, you narrow it back. What what you’re hearing them saying. But the key points are not the words you say. It’s your it’s your tone of voice and your gestures. So it’s short phrases, repetition and mirroring a third of the tone of voice and gestures that that the person has.

 

00;13;21;21 – 00;13;46;06

Dr. Harvey Karp

So if someone is very, very upset, rather than saying, you seem very upset, oh my gosh, that must be so difficult. And actually those words are fine. But the way I deliver it, it feels terrible. Yeah. If if you use short phrase repetition and a third of their nonverbal content. So it’s like what you Holly you like everything.

 

00;13;46;13 – 00;14;07;28

Dr. Harvey Karp

And it happened in an hour I, I, I don’t I’m so, so sorry. I am so very sorry. If you read that in a book, it would seem a little bit odd. But when someone says it in that way, so much more human than just saying the words. And so with our toddlers, we use that all the time.

 

00;14;07;28 – 00;14;31;16

Dr. Harvey Karp

When your child is upset, rather than saying, honey, why? You need to be more careful, which maybe you will get to later as a message, because we do have to teach them to be more careful. But in the moment it’s short phrases, repetition through their feelings. Oh oh no no, you you were you were trying and you tried to pick that up, but it was so heavy and it fell, it fell, it fell on your foot.

 

00;14;31;18 – 00;14;56;20

Dr. Harvey Karp

It fell on your foot. And then you. I saw your face get sad and you said, oh, wow. Again, someone might say, well, that’s baby talk. But the truth of the matter is that when someone is upset so you have two halves of the brain, the left half, which is the logical adult half of the brain and the right half, which is the emotionality, more, kind of reactive part of the brain.

 

00;14;56;22 – 00;15;20;05

Dr. Harvey Karp

The more upset we get, the more we turn off our adult brain and we become more reactive and our language becomes more basic or primitive. In fact, we we call that going ape, right? And so it’s important to be able to when a person, a child or adult is very upset to simplify your language, use a little more repetition as they come down.

 

00;15;20;05 – 00;15;28;08

Dr. Harvey Karp

Then you can explain things or express things and get into more normal language. So it’s a bit of a dance that we do with children who are upset.

 

00;15;28;16 – 00;15;45;25

Dr. Mona

Very important. I love that and I love that you talked about the two parts of the brain. I think that’s actually a very common thing that we know, but a lot of parents are like trying to explain or trying to explain logic when they’re when their child’s emotional and even when something like this, but just general tantrums. And you give some great examples of how that would work.

 

00;15;45;25 – 00;16;02;12

Dr. Mona

So thank you. And I agree, that’s why I love the podcast, because the tone of voice versus the book, you know, being able to give that example of like I agree, when you said oh, also said I was like, okay, I don’t feel anything from you. But the moment you gave me that, oh my God, I was like, I do feel sad whenever you do this.

 

00;16;02;14 – 00;16;20;02

Dr. Mona

It was definitely different. And I hope people understood that difference because it is obvious. And I love the tone and gesture because people, you know, a lot of what’s happening right now is like, people want like, you know, scripts like, what do I want to what should I say to my kid? And I’m like, yes, it’s great that I can give you a script like you said, but how are you delivering it?

 

00;16;20;02 – 00;16;27;28

Dr. Mona

Do you mean it? Like, do you actually feel it, or are you just saying it because you think someone’s telling you to say it because it’s not going to go off? Well, and I, I really appreciate that.

 

00;16;28;01 – 00;16;52;01

Dr. Harvey Karp

And that relieves that relieves parents also because when you help them understand it’s much simpler. And then you think, just describe what you’re seeing from your heart. Don’t worry about being eloquent at that moment. Being be engaged and and use repetition. I mean, say it over, honey. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it.

 

00;16;52;01 – 00;17;10;24

Dr. Harvey Karp

I just can’t believe it. Honey, what you just went through, what you just did, etc., etc. and it sounds, it sounds kind of factory or something. Maybe a little bit, you know, too dramatic, but it, And and you have to be what I said was a third of their emotion when they’re screaming. You don’t want to be sorry.

 

00;17;10;26 – 00;17;19;09

Dr. Harvey Karp

Oh, you’re so sad. That’s the worst thing ever. You don’t want to be at their level of emotion, and you don’t want to be too far down here. It’s about a third of their emotion.

 

00;17;19;12 – 00;17;39;19

Dr. Mona

I love that I you know, I think I think this might actually segue to the next question I have, but, I don’t know if this this came on, this came in your experience in the last few weeks, but your children, your grandchild are a little young, but in in your community, if there’s a older child and we can, you know, use the hypothetical who came home back, you know, they evacuated, it came back, and now everything’s gone.

 

00;17;39;21 – 00;17;57;04

Dr. Mona

Right. That’s obviously a very traumatic experience for a child. Their their bedroom, the stability that we talked about. How can a parent approach the aftermath of a natural disaster? Let’s say it’s a fire. Let’s say it’s a hurricane where there’s damage, where there’s loss, whether it’s property, whether it’s a person. What would be kind of some steps there.

 

00;17;57;04 – 00;18;00;28

Dr. Mona

And I know what you just mentioned as part of that, but if there’s anything else to add beyond that.

 

00;18;01;00 – 00;18;22;23

Dr. Harvey Karp

Yeah. So I mean, there are different layers to this obviously. Again, it depends on the age of the child and how much they were traumatized. Yeah, I guess the general rule is you will get to your agenda, which is probably, you know, thank goodness we’re all healthy or we can buy more things. It’s stuff, you know, don’t worry about it.

 

00;18;22;25 – 00;18;48;00

Dr. Harvey Karp

But it takes time to get there. You know, in in medicine we learn about the stages of grief, you know, the the denial and and and anger and bargaining and and then acceptance. And the same thing happens when you’re grieving about anything. So it’s important for parents to understand is, of course, we want to get get our kids to the other side of that, but be in the moment.

 

00;18;48;02 – 00;19;25;00

Dr. Harvey Karp

And maybe it’s going to be be in the days of these moments, because very much you can think of grief also like an onion, you peel a layer, there’s another layer, you peel a layer, there’s another layer. I lost my things. I can’t trust you anymore to protect me. I don’t have safety. I don’t, I don’t, feel like, like it’s worth working hard at school, because if everything can be burned up in a second, why shouldn’t I just play video games?

 

00;19;25;02 – 00;19;41;25

Dr. Harvey Karp

There may be many different layers of this with your child, and, And your first thing is just to be open to hearing. Oh, wow. I can see it from your point of view. Yeah, well, why even bother going to school if everything can just go? I can totally see what you’re saying. And then you’ll get to the.

 

00;19;41;25 – 00;20;05;14

Dr. Harvey Karp

But you know what? You know, it may seem crummy now, but people you know, there are silver linings to these experiences too. One of the things I like parents to do, not in the in the exact acute moment, but after a few days to help talk about other people in other disastrous situations, we tend to think it’s just us.

 

00;20;05;17 – 00;20;29;16

Dr. Harvey Karp

But most of us know people are dealing with cancer and dealing with other types of things that totally upended their lives. We read about floods and hurricanes and earthquakes and other disasters, and you start thinking about, I wonder what the kids are like in that situation. I will, and then you start to realize that it is a universal experience to go through challenges.

 

00;20;29;19 – 00;20;51;13

Dr. Harvey Karp

It also becomes an opportunity to talk about your life as a parent, to share. You know, this happened to me when I was a kid, and it’s not nearly as bad as what just happened to you, so I’m not comparing it, but it was really hard for me at the time and this is how I got through it, etc., etc. and and that becomes a moment of joining and actually of growth in the relationship.

 

00;20;51;13 – 00;21;23;11

Dr. Harvey Karp

Again, not taking it away from your child. The goal is not to make it all rainbows and puppy dogs and, you know, whip cream. Because, these things can be really traumatic when you can allow them to speak, something very strange happens, almost magical, which is the more they feel safe in, in recounting their sadness of what they lost and every single thing that they lost and this and that and that things in the lower levels come out.

 

00;21;23;11 – 00;21;45;03

Dr. Harvey Karp

You know, most of the time anger is a superficial feeling. And but down below where you have grief and you also have fear. And for a lot of the kids in the fires and in these other, natural disasters, it’s like, now I’m vulnerable because I saw your face, mommy and daddy, I saw the fear on your face.

 

00;21;45;03 – 00;22;02;11

Dr. Harvey Karp

And if you’re afraid, how do you think that makes me feel? And again, it’s not that parents are going to be perfect. You. You are allowed to have your feelings. You try not to act out too much in front of your kids, right? You do want to keep it together. If you can, but you can also turn lemons into lemonade.

 

00;22;02;14 – 00;22;21;01

Dr. Harvey Karp

And when it does happen, you could say, whoa, you you you were watching mommy and that looks scary to you. I saw your face got sad and my face is really scared. And you can turn it into something because if you talk about it, you can you can gain mastery over it, and you can make a plan to together.

 

00;22;21;01 – 00;22;44;08

Dr. Harvey Karp

Next time that happens, here’s what we’re going to do. And you know, mommy is going to protect you. And here that I’m doing so many, you’re going to be amazed at how many things I’m doing to protect us. And I did a lot of things to protect this. But, you know, it didn’t all work out. But this is the this is that can encourage a child to have very especially for kids in the first before they get to 8 or 9 years of age.

 

00;22;44;11 – 00;22;51;23

Dr. Harvey Karp

They’re very concrete. They need to know the exact things that are going to help them and protect them.

 

00;22;51;25 – 00;23;11;17

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show. You. One thing I love that you talked about was the relate ability, right? You talked about, hey, you know, when I was your age or I’ve been through that too. And I think I love that. I think parents often think that saying that is taking it away from the child.

 

00;23;11;17 – 00;23;29;17

Dr. Mona

But you’re not right. I mean, that’s how we build connection. And children love hearing that. We also feel the same things we do because they look at us as a, someone they look up to. And so when they feel like I’m seeing that, oh, my mommy or daddy or caregiver understands because they went through it, or they can tell me it is such a valuable thing.

 

00;23;29;17 – 00;23;46;05

Dr. Mona

And I know I knew that when you were coming on, although we’re talking about natural disasters, that these pearls are going to apply to so many parenting situations. And so I’m so grateful for that. But it’s such a beautiful, beautiful thing, and I hope people really take home that message of connection and relatability and just say how you’re feeling.

 

00;23;46;09 – 00;23;57;20

Dr. Mona

You don’t have to sob in front of them. But if you are sobbing, I’m really sad, right now and I know you were really sad too, but here’s what I’m going to do to make myself feel better. And we’re together and using that as a positive. And I love that you’re looking for those.

 

00;23;57;25 – 00;23;58;25

Dr. Harvey Karp

That makes me feel safe.

 

00;23;58;25 – 00;23;59;28

Dr. Mona

Yes, I love that.

 

00;23;59;29 – 00;24;23;08

Dr. Harvey Karp

What you said about Mister Rogers. Look for the helpers. Kids can be helpers too. Yeah, and that empowers them. And it makes them feel valuable and useful. Not forcing them to be helpers, but helping you, helping the family, helping others. You know, like we do. You know, a lot of people do Christmas time or Thanksgiving, you know, to go to a shelter and try to help the people who have less than you do.

 

00;24;23;08 – 00;24;39;24

Dr. Harvey Karp

So there are lots of different ways kids can write cards. They can draw drawings that can be mailed to, you know, hospitals and whatnot. There are a lot of ways. And when you do those things, you have some sense of mastery and control. And that’s a big part of dealing with all of this.

 

00;24;39;26 – 00;24;53;01

Dr. Mona

Yeah. My little boy, I mean, we live in hurricane zone. We have seen this happen. Right. But he we were watching the fire stuff because, you know, obviously it was everywhere. And we have we have friends who have been impacted as well. And he’s five and I you know, I turned to him and I was like, sweetie, it’s really sad.

 

00;24;53;01 – 00;25;07;05

Dr. Mona

You know, it’s a hard thing. People lost their homes. He’s like, so they lost their toys. And I’m like, yeah, honey, a lot of kids lost their toys. And he was like. And I was like, what do you think we should do? You know, what do you think we should what? How can we help? And he’s like, oh, maybe they can move with us like he’s five, right?

 

00;25;07;05 – 00;25;21;10

Dr. Mona

He’s like, maybe they can move here. And I was like, that’s such a sweet gesture. But we don’t do we have enough space for everybody? And I’m like, do you think you want to send some of the toys that you haven’t used yet? And maybe we can donate it to them. And so we we shipped them off like there was some toys he got for his birthday.

 

00;25;21;10 – 00;25;39;01

Dr. Mona

And he was like, I know, I know, there’s a lot of materials that people have there. But I was like, you know, let me teach them about this sort of stewardship and how we can help. And I think, like you said, it’s it can start so early. There’s so many different ways depending on the age, whether you are directly impacted or whether you see it happening like we did, to create that sort of thing.

 

00;25;39;01 – 00;25;46;03

Dr. Mona

Because someday, sometime we may be in that situation and we need to create that sort of compassion for each other. And I think that’s that’s so good.

 

00;25;46;03 – 00;26;03;22

Dr. Harvey Karp

I sense a community that we all help each other because nobody and this is a teaching opportunity about that. We all are dependent on each other. We’re dependent on the firemen and the policemen and the teachers and the nurses and the doctors and the people who pick up the garbage and clean the streets. And our neighbors are dependent on us.

 

00;26;03;22 – 00;26;22;23

Dr. Harvey Karp

When they need something, they can knock on our door. And that’s becomes a teaching moment about the interconnectedness that that we all have. I do want to just if I could just say a kind of little nuances to the things we were talking about before. One thing is when you want to relate about your experiences as a child, which is a beautiful thing to do.

 

00;26;22;26 – 00;26;46;17

Dr. Harvey Karp

It’s not meant to say, well, you know, suck it up and deal with it, but I had to do this. It isn’t. It’s I mean, ultimately you you may say, suck it up and deal with it. That’s a reasonable place to end up, but you’re not going to start there. You have to allow a person to express their feelings, because when you can express your feelings and your emotions in a safe environment, then there’s the healing process.

 

00;26;46;20 – 00;27;10;01

Dr. Harvey Karp

And then you get strong and then you can get on to the next day. If you’re never allowed to express your anger and your fear and your sorrow, it never goes away. And many of us still hold on to this sorrow or anger or frustration that we felt as little kids that we were never allowed to express. When you can express it in a loving environment, actually, it kind of evaporates and you can get on, on with your life.

 

00;27;10;01 – 00;27;29;01

Dr. Harvey Karp

So that’s one thing. Second thing is you allow them the expression to say it for, you know, 2 or 3 minutes. Don’t don’t be in a hurry to say, well, you know what happened to me when I was little? You’ll get there, but don’t be in a rush to get there. And then in your situation where you’re saying, what could we possibly do?

 

00;27;29;02 – 00;27;53;17

Dr. Harvey Karp

Which is such a wonderful mastery opportunity? Because let’s use our brains to figure out how we can be helpers. It’s good to make a list and write things down, because when you write something down, it means you’re taking your child very seriously and valuing their ideas. And it gives you a chance to say, okay, that’s one what I’m wondering whether you like, maybe are there other ways?

 

00;27;53;18 – 00;28;17;26

Dr. Harvey Karp

Let’s try and think. Let’s use our noodles and think of how how else we could help them with our toys, maybe, you know, and you just try to help them brainstorm, which is a learning opportunity of this as well, where they feel smart, engaged and encouraged to use that the adult part of the brain, which allows them to feel a mastery.

 

00;28;17;29 – 00;28;43;18

Dr. Harvey Karp

One thing is, as an adult, be aware of what you’re talking about and what you have on the radio or television in front of little kids, because when they’re when they’re four and five and six years of age, they they may get more, upset. Yeah. I a things that are scary on television and whatnot. So part of our job as parents is to protect our kids from exposure to that.

 

00;28;43;18 – 00;29;01;09

Dr. Harvey Karp

I mean, if it happens, it happens. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but to the degree you can protect kids from, you know, watching the riots for three hours on television, that kind of thing. Because it’s you never know how their little brains are going to process these things. This the other the last thing is, a technique.

 

00;29;01;09 – 00;29;30;01

Dr. Harvey Karp

It’s also in The Happiest Toddler in the block. That’s very, very helpful for parents on a day to day basis. But in addition, when there’s, you know, traumatic things happen, which is called gossiping. What I mean by gossiping is saying something to someone else that you allow your child to overhear. And it’s a weird thing we all believe more that we over here then which told directly to us.

 

00;29;30;03 – 00;29;41;01

Dr. Harvey Karp

If I say, hey Mona, you look great today, you’re going, oh, thanks very much. But if I’m whispering to somebody over here. Hey, Mona looks great today. Yeah, I do think it’s really well.

 

00;29;41;01 – 00;29;43;14

Dr. Mona

Thank you. Yeah, exactly, I love it. It’s true.

 

00;29;43;17 – 00;30;04;04

Dr. Harvey Karp

And so you can reinforce the positive or the negative things that you want your kid to learn by whispering it to the bird outside or pretending to talk to grandma or talking. You know, these little kids, they all have big ears. You know, you’re driving in the car talking and your kid in the backseat goes, I heard what you said, you know, and and they want to participate.

 

00;30;04;04 – 00;30;28;10

Dr. Harvey Karp

So use that. Never for evil, only for good. But to reinforce these messages like, you know, you know what? Mommy and daddy are so strong. We did everything to make everything safe in our house. So we’re taking care and everything is super duper safe. And your little kid is listening to that. Or, you know, Bobby ate all of his peas.

 

00;30;28;10 – 00;30;37;14

Dr. Harvey Karp

I said, good job, Bobby. You know what you said directly to him before, but hearing overhearing it reinforces that the the value of the message.

 

00;30;37;16 – 00;31;00;12

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love those tips. Again, transition like the transcending. Not just obviously talking about all this stuff, but parenting. And so I’m so grateful for that. And I guess my final question is about natural disasters in general. You know, I, I don’t think I mean, anyone can deny I mean, some people do deny, but that’s another conversation that they’re becoming more frequent and the severity of them are becoming more frequent with, you know, temperature and water.

 

00;31;00;14 – 00;31;29;16

Dr. Mona

The water warms changing for us in hurricanes, we’re seeing a lot more intense hurricanes on the Gulf because of the water getting hotter. I mean, it’s a real reality. So how can families, especially anxious parents, because of one of the things I hear is how do I raise this kid in a, you know, the future looks bleak. How can we, you know, educate, raise these children with emotional resilience and sort of optimism for the future, knowing what we know right now, you know, and that’s kind of it’s a hard it’s a hard thing.

 

00;31;29;16 – 00;31;42;01

Dr. Mona

But what can we do to, like, bring some positivity back into where we’re at and raise the next generation of, you know, thinkers and helpers and optimists and realists even too, but more so hope for the future.

 

00;31;42;04 – 00;32;05;04

Dr. Harvey Karp

Well, there unfortunately, there are lots of things that we can do. So there are all sorts of books and, and and products. There’s a book called Imagine This. I think it’s called imagine This. Laurie, David is one of the authors of that, where it has all sorts of things to do with your kids, to kind of help in the house and raise consciousness about the importance of being aware of your environment.

 

00;32;05;06 – 00;32;37;25

Dr. Harvey Karp

Because, listen, we are the stewards of our environment, whether you’re a Bible follower or you’re agnostic, it doesn’t really matter. We have a responsibility not just for our family, but for our, our country. And, and and and our, and to maintain the environment so that we’re leaving something a legacy for our children. Like, we like to say we didn’t, we we didn’t we weren’t given, America, by by our grandparents.

 

00;32;38;01 – 00;32;38;10

Dr. Mona

Right.

 

00;32;38;11 – 00;32;57;07

Dr. Harvey Karp

We’re borrowed it from our grandchildren. And when you understand that, we’ve borrowed it, and then we have to return it, you know, in better shape than we borrowed it. I think that the whole idea about climate change, whether you believe it’s human caused or not, doesn’t really matter. We do know that carbon dioxide makes it worse.

 

00;32;57;09 – 00;33;18;04

Dr. Harvey Karp

And so let’s do things to reduce carbon dioxide, whether it, you know, even if there are other natural things going on to make the climate worse, let’s do the things we do have control over, rather than just saying, well, I can’t do anything we can do a lot, and we need to do that for the benefit of our children and to try to make our environment safer.

 

00;33;18;06 – 00;33;39;00

Dr. Harvey Karp

I, you know, encourage people to recognize the fact that we are a part of everything around us. And when kids recognize that, you know, the flowers and the trees have been there for a long time and they have babies as well. And you, you help them have a sense of how people used to live in the woods.

 

00;33;39;00 – 00;33;55;26

Dr. Harvey Karp

And the woods would give them sustenance and protection and safety and and, a place to live, as it does for the animals. It allows us to recognize that we have responsibilities and a stewardship. So that’s the way I kind of look at it and talk to my kids and grandkids about it.

 

00;33;55;29 – 00;34;13;02

Dr. Mona

I love this, this is such a great conversation. I again appreciate you talking to me from a friend’s house, by the way, because obviously you are displaced with the fires and the fact that, you know, your when your team reached out and they were like, hey, do you want to talk to them? I was like, oh my gosh, does he want to talk to me?

 

00;34;13;02 – 00;34;33;12

Dr. Mona

Like, is he okay? Like, I really appreciate it because, you know, using your time and your community’s time of pain and, and, you know, grief and really helping others. I mean, that’s kind of what we do as pediatricians also. And, you know, it’s just a testament to you. And thank you. What would be a final message for everyone tuning in to take home after listening to this amazing conversation?

 

00;34;33;17 – 00;35;02;26

Dr. Harvey Karp

Well, just to say, this isn’t an introduction. I mean, there’s much, much more to learn. There’s a bunch of stuff in The Happiest Toddler on the block, but there are many other resources that are available on the internet. There are many other things parents can do. Artwork makes a difference. Prayer makes a difference. Rituals. You know, you can have a ceremony to say thank you to your house if you lost your house and put a little box together with memorabilia or drawings that you make so that you have a closing experience.

 

00;35;02;29 – 00;35;16;17

Dr. Harvey Karp

And so there are many, many, many different things that that can be helpful. On a very practical level, I think what what we really covered today were some of the, the, the big strokes and the kind of the, the general, communication approaches.

 

00;35;16;20 – 00;35;25;29

Dr. Mona

And I appreciate that. I appreciate your time. Where can people go to stay connected, whether it’s with, happy baby or, you know, yourself so that they can, you know, stay up to date?

 

00;35;26;04 – 00;35;49;09

Dr. Harvey Karp

Yeah. We have tons and tons of information for free for people at our website. Which is happiest baby.com. We are now we’re trying to make Snhu available to everybody. Thousands of people get it for free from their employers. And now we’re starting with Medicaid programs so that all at risk families can have access to this. And our goal is really that’ll be covered by insurance and whatnot.

 

00;35;49;09 – 00;36;05;01

Dr. Mona

I love and you were actually on my show, we talked about the, you know, the five S’s and newborn sleep. And also we did another episode about sleep and mental health. So we’ve talked about that. And you guys can listen to those episodes as well. Just search my website. Havi. Thank you so much. I’m wishing you healing.

 

00;36;05;01 – 00;36;17;09

Dr. Mona

I’m wishing you love and wishing your community healing. I’ve been thinking of you. I’m an L.A. girl, you know, even if I wasn’t an L.A. girl, this is something that impacts us all. And I feel for your community. And I really appreciate your time today.

 

00;36;17;11 – 00;36;21;29

Dr. Harvey Karp

Thank you so much, Brown. I really appreciate the opportunity.

 

00;36;22;02 – 00;36;46;24

Dr. Mona

Loss isn’t just about physical things. It’s about everything those things can represent. And when someone is grieving, the last thing they need to be told, at least it was just stuff. Or did you have insurance? What they need is empathy, support and to know that they’re not alone, like anyone experiencing loss would want to be told. If today’s episode resonated with you, or if you’ve ever been at a loss for words when someone you love was grieving something, I hope this conversation gave you perspective.

 

00;36;46;24 – 00;37;04;02

Dr. Mona

Whether it’s a natural disaster, a personal loss, or simply wanting to show up better for people in tough times, we all have the power to make a difference in how we support others. That wraps up today’s episode, and now I’d love to hear from you. What part of our conversation resonated most with you? What’s one thing you’re taking away today?

 

00;37;04;02 – 00;37;25;14

Dr. Mona

Join the discussion by visiting my socials @PedsDocTalk and at the @PedsDocTalkPodcast on Instagram, and leaving a comment on our latest post about this episode. And if this conversation moved you, please share it on your stories and tag PedsDocTalk the PedsDocTalk podcast and our guest, because you never know who in your circle might need this message today.

 

00;37;25;16 – 00;37;37;15

Dr. Mona

Thank you for being here, for embracing growth and for being a valued part of this community. Make sure to leave those reviews. That’s how the show continues to grow. Wishing you all a fantastic week ahead. Chat with you next time. Stay well.