Balancing family life with personal ambitions is no small feat, especially when career pauses are part of the journey. Redefining success and embracing your evolving identity can be powerful steps toward personal growth—even during time away from paid work.

This week, I welcome Neha Ruch, the founder of Mother Untitled, the leading platform for ambitious women leaning into family life, to discuss the challenges and rewards of navigating career pauses.

 

She joins me to discuss:

• Embracing and redefining personal identity during career pauses
• The importance of support systems, self-compassion, and intentional choices
• The evolving dynamics of gender roles in caregiving

 

To connect with Neha Ruch follow her on Instagram @motheruntitled, check out all her resources at https://www.motheruntitled.com/ and purchase her book new book: The Power Pause: How to Plan a Career Break After Kids–and Come Back Stronger Than Ever

 

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and subscribe to the PedsDocTalk Channel.

 

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships page of the website.

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;27;14
Neha Ruch
Working mother is active. It immediately conveys the act of doing. Stay at is shot in one place. And that is the genuine flaw with our perception of stay at home motherhood, right? It’s this idea that if a parent takes a career break for family life, that they’re somehow isolated, they’re not growing or moving forward. They’re not doing work of value.

00;00;27;17 – 00;00;49;18
Dr. Mona
Welcome back to another episode of the PedsDocTalk podcast, and my first guest of 2025. I’m Doctor Mona, your host pediatrician, mom, friend. And let me tell you, I’m so delighted to have had this conversation I will be sharing on this podcast today. We’re diving deep into a conversation that completely shifted my perspective on motherhood, identity, and redefining success.

00;00;49;20 – 00;01;13;27
Dr. Mona
Today we’re joined by Neha Ruch, the founder of Mother Untitled, the leading platform for ambitious women leaning into family life, a thought leader, influencer and sought after speaker focusing on women, work, parenting and identity. Now is work at Mother. Untitled is catalyzing a shift in how society views Stay-At-Home motherhood. Her book, The Power Pause How to Plan a Career Break After Kids and Come Back Stronger Than Ever, is out now.

00;01;14;04 – 00;01;32;08
Dr. Mona
She’s here to talk about her mission to rebrand, what it means to be a stay at home mom for a new generation of modern women. As someone who has navigated the complex feelings of stepping back from a full time career to prioritize family and other passions, I can’t wait to unpack this powerful and necessary reexamination of motherhood and identity.

00;01;32;11 – 00;01;50;01
Dr. Mona
You know, I’ll admit that there was a time about 2 to 3 years ago when I had held a misconception that I think a lot of people might share. I used to believe that anyone who said I was born to be a mom would inevitably feel lost or empty when their kids grew up. And honestly, I tied that belief to the whole idea of, quote, that stay at home mom culture.

00;01;50;07 – 00;02;17;26
Dr. Mona
Thinking it was somehow limiting or shortsighted. But I realized how wrong that perspective was. That statement, born to be a mom isn’t always about losing yourself when your kids grow up or when you’re in motherhood. It’s about embracing the incredible depth and passion that motherhood can bring to your life. And as it relates to this conversation, taking time away from other passions doesn’t mean that you’re giving up or letting go, but rather adding to your life to pause and be with family and maybe refocus priorities in the season of life that you’re in.

00;02;17;28 – 00;02;41;03
Dr. Mona
For so many women, it’s not about choosing family over identity, but rather redefining identity in a way that aligns with their values and purpose. And stay at home. Motherhood isn’t about stepping back. It’s about stepping into something deeply fulfilling in its own right. If you’ve ever wondered how to embrace new passions, overcome the stigma of career pauses, or redefine what success means for you, or redefine what Stay-At-Home motherhood is.

00;02;41;05 – 00;03;01;02
Dr. Mona
You’re in for a treat. Let’s get to it. But oh, before we do that, do not forget to hit that subscribe button and check out my YouTube as well, and subscribe over there to help my channels grow this year and beyond. Because if you like the podcast, you have to show it some love. Let’s get to it. Thank you so much for joining me today.

00;03;01;04 – 00;03;03;17
Neha Ruch
Oh, I’m so happy to be here, Mona. Thank you.

00;03;03;20 – 00;03;21;24
Dr. Mona
I am excited to connect. I’m so excited for your book. What a feat to get this out into the world. I have not published a book myself, but I know the process that goes into it after, you know, trying to find how I would, position myself to write my own book one day. So huge congratulations off the bat, because I know this wasn’t easy to do.

00;03;21;26 – 00;03;27;03
Neha Ruch
It was. It was a long road and will get us proud because it’s so much longer than the book itself.

00;03;27;06 – 00;03;41;21
Dr. Mona
And I started following you, I would say in the last year or so. And I was, you know, whenever I’ve said this on my show before, but sometimes I am surprised, I don’t know of accounts until I follow. And I’m like, wait, how did I not know this person? How did I not follow them? And I, I love your perspective.

00;03;41;22 – 00;03;55;27
Dr. Mona
I love, you know, obviously what you’ve done for a whole community, but also the story that it came from for your own experience. So how did this mission to rebrand that term stay at home motherhood for a new generation of modern women? Start for you.

00;03;56;00 – 00;04;14;01
Neha Ruch
So you and I were trading notes a bit on our careers, and I was very lucky to get my footing in social media when it was nascent. And so I rose the ranks quickly. I got to go to Stanford Business School. I landed on the other side of that. I was already married, but I landed what, on paper was my dream job running brand at a tech startup.

00;04;14;01 – 00;04;37;14
Neha Ruch
And, like so many others, I got a lot of self-worth and belonging from what I did. So pay. Yeah, I had my first child and I’m rocking in this rocker, and I finally felt like I belonged without needing to try to be someone other than myself. And it was such a freeing feeling. And I just wanted more of that.

00;04;37;17 – 00;04;59;16
Neha Ruch
And so I initially down shifted my career into part time work. So I went two days a week. And even with that shift, I was gobsmacked by just the shame and stigma I immediately see. Right. And that compounded I slowly, I would eventually pause and I heard things like, what are you doing with your days? Aren’t you going to be.

00;04;59;17 – 00;05;22;14
Neha Ruch
Yes, like even heard? Are you giving up that you know, why did you take that crap in school? You know, there were all these comments that to me, I was what weren’t making me question my choice, but they were starting to raise a flag that there was a really strange way in which chapters of career breaks for family life or stay at home motherhood were perceived.

00;05;22;17 – 00;05;45;01
Neha Ruch
I meanwhile, I was in New York and I was meeting all these women in baby groups and on the playgrounds that were also making similar pauses and shifts, who had clocked in a decade of work experience, who had equitable relationships with their partners, who were finding creative ways to stay connected, whether they were taking classes or they were with ideas online.

00;05;45;04 – 00;06;10;12
Neha Ruch
And none of it matched this sort of shut in archetype that we were being fed. And now mind you, this was around the height of the lean in movement and the growth was there. And so everywhere I look, there was a ton of content for the traditional quote unquote working mom. But it felt like the stay at home mother had been left behind in media with a decades old caricature that not right.

00;06;10;14 – 00;06;25;21
Neha Ruch
So I started the platform then with a very simple mission to change the face of that one parent. And it began as a very tiny project and has now grown into the movement, that this book is hopefully catalyzing further.

00;06;25;23 – 00;06;35;15
Dr. Mona
I love it. I mean, again, it’s not the book is a product of the movement, and I think people should know that. Right? Obviously, Mother Untitled has been there for when did you when so when did you start that platform?

00;06;35;17 – 00;07;12;18
Neha Ruch
So I launched in January of 2017. Okay. And so, you know, now that the books come out, it’s been eight years. And so, also for anyone who’s listening who may be in sort of periods of career pause or downshift, who are holding on to ideas that this did not happen overnight, I had the idea to create a title around this new version of navigating career breaks and Downshifts in the book industry in 2017, and I just didn’t know capacity at that point to put it out in the world.

00;07;12;18 – 00;07;16;01
Neha Ruch
And it wouldn’t have been the book that it is. It took a long time. Yeah.

00;07;16;04 – 00;07;24;06
Dr. Mona
And why? Why is stay at home mom such a loaded phrase? And why do you feel it needs reexamination, whether through this movement or through this book as well?

00;07;24;08 – 00;07;48;28
Neha Ruch
So, you know, in 2023, we convention a survey called The American Mothers on Past Survey with Proof Insights. We polled 1200 stay at home mothers in across the country and a thousand members of the general population. And when asked, what do you think of when you think of a stay at home mother? To this day, the most common response is June Cleaver.

00;07;49;00 – 00;08;16;26
Neha Ruch
The most common response, if asked, what do you think of as a working mother is Michelle Obama. Who goes is fiction. Yeah. One of those is an incredibly progressive empowered woman. Yeah. You know what we’re looking at if you date back in history is that, you know when the feminist movement really took hold in the the sort of second wave around, they said we really needed to do a lot of work to prove our capacity in the workforce.

00;08;16;26 – 00;08;44;26
Neha Ruch
Yeah. Except anyone who was at home was sort of riddled with this idea and this trope of around defending tradition. And that was at this opportune moment where TV was starting to pick up and print advertising was starting to. And what we started to see were those pictures of of women with vacuum cleaners wearing pink aprons, teetering around handing their handing their, you know, partners cocktails.

00;08;44;26 – 00;09;14;11
Neha Ruch
At the end of the day. Yeah, that image became associated with the stay at home mother, and we never replaced it. And yet, as our culture has progressed and technology has advanced and, the average age of having children has gone. Yeah. What we’re seeing is women who have actually clocked in a lot more work experience. We’re looking at a generation of fathers who spend three times the amount of time with their children than any generation prior, so our relationships with our partners have changed.

00;09;14;11 – 00;09;38;27
Neha Ruch
We’re looking at a freelance economy and an entrepreneurial economy that has boomed because of the advent of things like Squarespace and Instagram. And so, you know, we were due for an update on that narrative. And I would argue that that sort of shut in our archetype, really that I portrait never really existed. It just happened to me. I didn’t media for, you know, a very specific moment in time.

00;09;38;29 – 00;09;56;06
Dr. Mona
Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors. Yeah, absolutely. And I love that, you know, the research that you showed showing again, the fictional versus, real human. And why is it that a stay at home mom can’t be, you know, equally as important as a real a real figure in this world and how we can embody that?

00;09;56;06 – 00;10;05;22
Dr. Mona
And, you know, I still see that stigma and even the terminology. Stay at home mom. I know I’m putting that in quotes. I think you’ve used different terminology as well. You’ve used at home parent. Right.

00;10;05;25 – 00;10;28;19
Neha Ruch
Is that right? There’s a lot of flaws with the phrase stay at home mom. Like the sociolinguistics of it. And I hate to name but you know a Jen Jen I it’s and I can’t take credit for this. There’s a socio linguist called Ben Zimmer. He basically said you’re looking at a word that implies stagnancy and it’s yeah, yeah, verb.

00;10;28;22 – 00;10;56;14
Neha Ruch
Right. Working mother is active. It immediately conveys the act of doing stay at is shot in, yes, one place. And that is the genuine flaw with our perception of stay at home motherhood. Right? It’s this idea that if a parent takes a career break for family life, that they’re somehow isolated, they’re not growing or moving forward, they’re not doing work of value.

00;10;56;16 – 00;11;17;00
Neha Ruch
And those are the tropes that we need to be able to upend, because, yeah, more and more parents do need or want to take a career break, whether it’s for the very valid want of spending time with their children, we see 87% cite that as a reason to pause or downshift their career, and then 60% say it’s a financial consideration because of the cost of childcare.

00;11;17;02 – 00;11;34;18
Neha Ruch
And so as we see more parents step into it this chapter, we need to be able to dignify it with more possibility, with more potential. And we need to make sure that they understand they are doing work of value so they can get the support and respect that they they deserve.

00;11;34;20 – 00;11;55;14
Dr. Mona
Yeah. And I think again, even at the time of this recording, the debut of your book, many view career pauses or, you know, obviously even just cutting back hours. In my experience, I’ll share that as a step back rather than a definition or redefinition of success. So how do you suggest women and even society combat that narrative, both internally and externally?

00;11;55;17 – 00;12;16;25
Neha Ruch
We’re sitting at an incredible moment of reexamination. Post 2020, right? I think the world sort of collided with home and work. Yes. And layoffs started happening at a more frequent pace. And so we were all forced to reconcile, okay, what is work and how does it work for our family and our lives that we want to live, that are healthy and whole?

00;12;16;27 – 00;12;45;11
Neha Ruch
And so we’re sitting at an interesting moment and yet still we face, a decades long cultural association of what do you do with who are you and worth as being what we do for a living. And that’s going to take a long time to rewire. And I think ambition has been associated with salary and title for so long.

00;12;45;11 – 00;13;19;18
Neha Ruch
But to me, as you say, actually ambition, if defined by Merriam-Webster, is the act and determination of doing something with great care that can be a myriad of different things we live whole lives. We have to do many different things. So if we sort of remove step back from the singular version and definition of ambition, it’s really we’re looking at a platter of priorities that we’re doing and moving forward on, and we’re shifting the time we’re spending on those priorities over the long game of life.

00;13;19;21 – 00;13;46;21
Neha Ruch
But that takes sort of active redefinition. And I would say similarly, success. And I talk about this in the book because I think so often when a parent does downshift their work, does pause their paid work very quickly when previously our success metrics were handed to us in the form of a pay raise or a promotion, then suddenly what happens is we’re like, oh, well, I guess our definition of success is spotless home or well-behaved children.

00;13;46;21 – 00;14;14;24
Neha Ruch
And what we know is that’s a recipe for disaster. You’re going to very quickly feel like a failure the first time your four year old has a tantrum, and then it’s not healthy for yourself to feel like you are still a forward living, growing individual. And what my hope is with this book is that we can not only change the cultural perception of time away from the workforce, but that we give parents permission to actually create their own goals and metrics of success for this chapter, away from the workforce.

00;14;14;24 – 00;14;35;27
Neha Ruch
And so, you know, that could be personal, professional family goals. But by giving ourselves goals, what we’re doing is we’re dignifying this time of life. We’re saying we are going to use our time towards things that matter to us, whether that’s having a silly household, whether it’s getting stronger in our body, whether that’s trying our hand at writing.

00;14;35;27 – 00;14;43;13
Neha Ruch
What we’re doing is we’re recognizing that we are so growing in the stage of life and that our time is not evaporating in front of us.

00;14;43;16 – 00;14;59;28
Dr. Mona
I love this, and I want to be candid in terms of like how I used to perceive the term stay at home mom. I know we talked about, you know, June Cleaver and Michelle Obama and I’m very, you know, I’m very open on admitting this, that my, my, my perception of stay at home mom was not that that’s not valued.

00;14;59;28 – 00;15;16;25
Dr. Mona
But I used to think that my concern was stay at home moms who enjoyed like the terminology like I my identity is associated with being a mom. Like that is what I want to be. I don’t want to do anything else. My concern with that used to be, and it may still be a little bit, is that what you just mentioned?

00;15;16;25 – 00;15;39;02
Dr. Mona
That when we tie our identity too much to somebody else, whether it is a child, a husband, partner or whatever, my concern is that we don’t have a strong sense of self like you had mentioned about the tantrums. Like if a child throws a tantrum or says, mommy, I don’t like you. I’ve seen moms feel devastated because they’ve put all of their, you know, all of their identity in this child and that they have to raise this good child.

00;15;39;02 – 00;15;55;05
Dr. Mona
And if they don’t raise a good child and the child isn’t perfect, and if the child isn’t, that they didn’t do enough. And so I am wary about the terminology, not because, I think that my misconception for a long time was that all stay at home moms were like that, right? I’m a stay at home moms. They don’t want anything else.

00;15;55;05 – 00;16;14;19
Dr. Mona
They just want to be a mom. And I, I’ve been completely mistaken by that. Not only from your platform, from my own community, understanding that there’s so many reasons that people may become that stay at home mom putting that in, a quote. Right? Whether it’s choice, whether it’s out of their control because of, like you said, finances, who’s going to watch the kids.

00;16;14;19 – 00;16;37;19
Dr. Mona
And I saw that happen in the pandemic. Right. In the pandemic, I saw so many mothers be either forced to leave because they needed to. They couldn’t figure out childcare. And but, you know, between the, you know, heterosexual couple, the the woman was the one who decided that she was going to leave her job or like you said, the choice of like, I want to, I want to downshift or I want to leave.

00;16;37;19 – 00;16;56;21
Dr. Mona
And, you know, that happened for me because I had gone into medicine thinking, I’m going to work for until I retire. I would never downshift. I would never, you know, leave. And then I had my first super traumatic experience. And then I just was burning out. Being in clinical medicine. And I, you know, what part time as a full time from a full time pediatrician.

00;16;56;24 – 00;17;13;16
Dr. Mona
And I had so many of those difficult feelings, you know, I felt excited, but also nervous because I had been fed this narrative as a child of immigrants. For me to go to school, work. You went to medical school. How would you cut back, like you were saying, like someone could have had that seat in business school.

00;17;13;16 – 00;17;31;26
Dr. Mona
Why would you go all this way? You have so many loans to pay off. How could you even consider leaving the field? And what are you going to do with your time? And the things I heard, and especially, sadly, from even patients, parents would ask me like, why are you not here every day? And I’d be like, well, and I didn’t want to tell them what I was up to, right?

00;17;31;26 – 00;17;51;27
Dr. Mona
I’m like, oh, I just don’t work every day. They’re like, but where are you? We’re like, why aren’t you here? I got that question so many times. And when you’re already struggling with having to downshift your identity of being this pediatrician or whatever career, and then people are feeling like you’re not good enough. I went into a major crisis of like, I feel half there, half here, right?

00;17;51;27 – 00;18;12;09
Dr. Mona
I’m I’m not good enough at my job because I can’t be there all the time. I’m not fully home with my kid. So where am I? Where is this identity now of, like, being a pediatrician, mom and all of this stuff? And, you know, it can be really hard. And how can I do both? And then for people who are listening when they, you know, take a pause, it’s that identity shift that can happen.

00;18;12;09 – 00;18;23;20
Dr. Mona
So how can women prepare for that potential loss of identity that they may feel, and maybe some people won’t feel it, but if they do, how can they prepare for that?

00;18;23;22 – 00;18;48;11
Neha Ruch
Well, I think what you’re talking speaking to, I actually want to double click on. It’s this idea that there are such a vast spectrum of making room for family life right now, right. What you describe as downshifting your hours to make room for, for motherhood, for, for your chapter. And I think a big reason we know we’re talking about the linguistics of stay at home mom.

00;18;48;11 – 00;19;19;08
Neha Ruch
But my big issue with it is that it’s yet another box that shuts. Because even when we say the phrase stay at home mom and, you know, you talked about the inferences of giving up a sense of self. It sounds finite. Yeah, it sounds permanent. And my encouragement to everyone in any chapter, whether they’re choosing to return to work after having their first child or they’re choosing to pause when their daughter is a teenager and going through, a challenging moment.

00;19;19;13 – 00;19;46;17
Neha Ruch
Whatever that decision is, it is actually temporary, like everything. And I, you know, in the research, we see that 1 in 3 parents working out of their home, mothers working out of the home right now are planning on pausing in the next two years. One and two are considering a downshift in the next 90% of mothers on career breaks or stay at home mothers aim to return to the workforce.

00;19;46;19 – 00;20;13;22
Neha Ruch
And so what we’re looking at is a much more fluid narrative. And my concern with the phrase is actually very much an identity question is that when we put that title on anyone or anything, we shut off a sense of possibility. Yeah. And we sort of put them in that box and it makes it very hard to then have them prove what else they’re, they’re working on at the time.

00;20;13;29 – 00;20;39;17
Neha Ruch
And so my encouragement to everyone is, one, your identity does not disappear. You are still a doctor. Yeah, right. Just because you’re not seeing the same load of patients, or even if you are not seeing patients for a year, your education and your experience previously does not disappear. I am still a brand marketer, even if I took a career break and then I ended up starting another venture, those skills came with me.

00;20;39;24 – 00;20;59;04
Neha Ruch
Yeah, take stock of all of the skills and experiences that you do take pride in, because they are still part of your headline on LinkedIn. You are still a ten year seasoned marketer. You are still a ten year pediatrician, whatever that is. You just happen to be open to new opportunities right now or focused on family right life right now.

00;20;59;06 – 00;21;19;29
Neha Ruch
So what I often give people is a script to answer the question, what do you do? Because that tends to be the universal stumbling block we hear. Yeah, because in this culture, like we talked about before, we derive great value from the very pithy title. Oftentimes that title represents the things we care about. And the words phrase stay at home mom doesn’t quite fit.

00;21;20;01 – 00;21;50;24
Neha Ruch
And so being able to reclaim that narrative for yourself and you know the script is right now because it anchors you immediately. And this is for a chapter, I get to where I am. Yes, be with my kids, spend time with my kids. We’ll see what comes next. Yeah, if you don’t yet know or I’m working on some a project alongside write like leave room for a more expansive identity.

00;21;50;26 – 00;22;26;03
Neha Ruch
And I think that that is really, you know, when I think about the book and sort of the arc of the book, one part of it is making sense of the fact that your identity as an ambitious, accomplished mother does not disappear. And how can you take that with you and also leave room for it as you resign, you know, so that you can stay connected and then set up your day to day when you’re setting an intention for this chapter to be really about how do I grow that identity and make room for more.

00;22;26;06 – 00;22;38;29
Neha Ruch
So that one day, when and if I transition back to paid work, no one can take that away from you. Just leave the next thing. You are so clear on who you are that it actually becomes your superpower.

00;22;39;01 – 00;22;56;00
Dr. Mona
Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors. I love the way you phrase that it is a superpower, and I wish so much more of society would understand that. You know, it is very hard. And I love what you mentioned about that question about what is it that you do for work or, you know, what do you do, right?

00;22;56;00 – 00;23;16;07
Dr. Mona
I mean, that is one of the common icebreaker, go to a party question that people ask and I can imagine how uncomfortable that might feel if you’re like, well, like, you know, my, my, my sister took a career pause and she went through a really hard time with that. You know, that loss of identity, like you said, and feeling like, well, now what am I doing with my life?

00;23;16;07 – 00;23;33;03
Dr. Mona
And, you know, my husband even wants to, wants to quit his job as a physician. And he’s like, well, what am I going to do? And I’m like, but do you need to do like, you want to be home with the children? I mean, that’s amazing. And he’s like, for him as a male, I mean, we’re not even talking about stay at home dad, which isn’t even a term.

00;23;33;05 – 00;23;45;06
Dr. Mona
As much as stay at home mom, but, like, he’s even, like, struggling with that identity of like. But what? You know what what people say, you know, especially in our culture of like, well, I went through all of this and I’m like, what do you say? Like, do you want to do this? Like, what is it that you want?

00;23;45;06 – 00;24;14;19
Dr. Mona
Like it? All it matters is what we want as a family. Like if you want to be home with the kids, I love that. And if that’s what you want, we can make that happen. But it is so interesting and I think a lot of the fear and a lot of the, the from what I see, a lot of that sort of hesitancy of like wanting to do it, even if you’re in a financial space to do it like I’m speaking of me and my husband and tables turn is that there’s a lot of like, stigma still, you know, like of well, what like especially for my husband, who’s a male, navigating this

00;24;14;19 – 00;24;21;21
Dr. Mona
environment of like, I want to just take time off, like, I don’t want to work in a hospital anymore. It’s very interesting.

00;24;21;28 – 00;24;39;26
Neha Ruch
Males is. They are. I had a wonderful writer who did a piece for us from other entitled Where She Compared, and her husband was actually also a physician. Yeah. Her husband took, two years to be at home with their children.

00;24;39;28 – 00;24;40;08
Dr. Mona
Wow.

00;24;40;08 – 00;25;15;18
Neha Ruch
Yeah, yeah. When they were told, they flip flopped. And the biggest thing she, noticed was how much more he enjoyed it. He she he by just the bare act of showing up and being present, he was enough. Yeah. Such an impressive, bold quality to make room. Whereas women, you will often see and I talk about it in the book that in becoming a quote unquote stay at home mom, they feel like they have to be a supermom and check all the boxes.

00;25;15;18 – 00;25;17;29
Dr. Mona
Yes, yes, that’s what I was alluding to.

00;25;18;02 – 00;25;39;23
Neha Ruch
And these sort of received like a stamp of approval. Yeah. And this parenting committee to earn their right. But when in reality you get to still choose what you’re optimizing for. And we all only have 24 hours in a day. You still deserve, especially if you’re intentional about this stage of life to set yourself up to thrive right.

00;25;39;23 – 00;25;58;01
Neha Ruch
And and figure out what really what rhythms serve you and your family. What are you going to let go up for this stage of life and where? And I think men are, you know, much better about this. When and how can you get the support that you need to get the breaks you deserve? Because parenting is heart. Yeah.

00;25;58;03 – 00;26;17;20
Neha Ruch
Whether you’re doing it, around the clock or, you know, in evenings and weekends, we all deserve support. And I think, absolutely, when parents step into a chapter of not working for pay too often, they think, well, I don’t deserve support if I don’t work for pay. And the reality is, if you have spent a day with children.

00;26;17;21 – 00;26;55;06
Neha Ruch
Yes. We it’s very hard to raise mentally. Well, physically well children, if we are not mentally well and mentally and physically well. And to do that, we deserve breaks. And if we don’t can’t afford help or access help from family and neighbors, then we have to lower our expectations, right? Yeah. So that is a really interesting sort of part of this that, you know, starts with the acceptance that this is a stage of life that you are doing work of value, that this is also your stage of life to grow and learn in.

00;26;55;09 – 00;27;17;01
Neha Ruch
And that you don’t have to do it all by yourself and do it perfectly to be a good state, you know, whatever that is, a good parent on a career paths. Yeah. So it’s interesting. I think men and women going back to that dialog, I think men and women, increasingly 1 in 5 stay at home parents right now or dads, I think that number is ticking upwards.

00;27;17;03 – 00;27;21;06
Neha Ruch
And it’s different challenges for sure. Yeah.

00;27;21;12 – 00;27;38;06
Dr. Mona
And yeah, that, you know, the at home parent I so I have my business and I still work clinically. Well only one day a week. And then I obviously take care. You know, I have my children and my weekends tend to be me alone with the children. When my husband’s working and I talk, I describe it as my state.

00;27;38;08 – 00;28;09;10
Dr. Mona
So it’s my time to be the at home parent. And I will say I have the Friday Scaries and not the Sunday scaries because it is a lot of work and so any person when we talk about this, the undervaluing of the work it takes to be an at home parent, whether you are like, I love that you said that, because that is a really hard misconception that I wish we would squash is that an at home parent does not need help, is something that I commonly hear, and it’s can ruin a lot of those those women or dad or men, right?

00;28;09;10 – 00;28;24;27
Dr. Mona
Like the people who are like, well, no, I, I’m home. So I’m supposed to do it all. So I have to do the, the cooking and the putting the baby to the, to sleep. And then now I have to clean up the mess and I got to do this, and you basically aren’t getting a break or sense of time for yourself at all.

00;28;25;01 – 00;28;53;18
Dr. Mona
And that is not sustainable for any parent like. And so, you know, I always talk about child, I always talk about child care. And I’m very transparent about sharing my own child care experience. Not not because I’m showing like, oh, I have this nanny, but that I’m only able to do all of the stuff that I do with two small children because I have help and I want that every mom, dad, whoever it is, has that help, including people who are full time at home with their children because it is not sustainable.

00;28;53;18 – 00;29;12;24
Dr. Mona
Two days of solo parenting. I’m like, and I love being a mom, I love it, I love my children. It’s so amazing. But it’s tiring because from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed, you’re like on on firing on all cylinders. And then after they go to bed, you’re trying to squeeze in any resemblance of time for yourself.

00;29;12;26 – 00;29;31;13
Dr. Mona
That’s not sustainable. Like almost like going to work is easier in some ways. I know. Obviously we have our own struggles because you get some time to like maybe talk to an adult or, you know, you know, shoot the shit with some of your friends, like at work versus at home. You’re at the mercy of toddlers and children of various needs suck, you know, sucking your energy.

00;29;31;13 – 00;29;36;19
Dr. Mona
And even if you have loving children, which I do, their energy suckers, I mean.

00;29;36;22 – 00;30;00;02
Neha Ruch
They are okay, which I’m so glad you said is making room for yourself too. Yeah. And and so that look different for me in different seasons. And I did have a really hard time hiring help. I think that I was one of the women who felt like because I downshift, did my pay, that I was somehow earning my yes, I would, that was my contribution.

00;30;00;04 – 00;30;26;16
Neha Ruch
Yeah. You know, we didn’t talk about finances too much, but I do want to call that out because one of the fund mental mindset shifts that this country has to get behind, but before we get to the country in our homes, is that if one partner is downshifting their pay or pausing their paid work, they and making room for family life and maybe not even and maybe still have help.

00;30;26;16 – 00;30;52;14
Neha Ruch
But they’re, you know, they’re sort of the, the, the security net for the family, the emotional security they’re doing, the intellectual labor, however, they’re choosing to support the family life more. The other partner working out of the home for pay is equally dependent. Yeah, right. So it’s an interdependent organization. And I the reason that I lead the book with that right after identity is because I think it’s the biggest unlock.

00;30;52;17 – 00;31;16;29
Neha Ruch
Yeah. And being able to invest in a caregiver. Right. Because if you add a, you know, as a two parent household, decide we are going to together decide that this one partner being at home really helps and serves our family right now we are deciding together that we’re in a budget for that. We’re both making budgeting decisions.

00;31;16;29 – 00;31;38;01
Neha Ruch
It’s not one mom starting to be like, I’m not going to go for a manicure. I’m not going to go out for dinner with friends. I’m not making the concessions. We are together making the adjustment. And then at the beginning of each year, we’re we’re figuring out, well, how can we still budget together for what we both need to run a healthy and happy household, and that has to include caregiving out of the joint household.

00;31;38;04 – 00;31;59;05
Neha Ruch
Yeah. Investment. Right. And it doesn’t have to be a nanny full time. Be you know, for me it was a two day a week babysitter. It was a mother’s helper. And during periods where I didn’t have paid help, I would tell my husband, like, we are, go, you’re going to be in charge of cooking when you get home.

00;31;59;07 – 00;32;18;04
Neha Ruch
He at the time had an extremely taxing job, but he was in front of a computer, so he got to do the, he could do the doctor’s appointments much more easily and good in terms of scheduling. I was leaning on a lot of frozen foods because cooking did not give me joy. I loved crafts, so that was where I optimized.

00;32;18;04 – 00;32;26;07
Neha Ruch
But like, we were all cleaning up at the end of the day and there was a lot of chicken nuggets in the rotation. Yeah. Sorry. I just realized you’re a pediatrician, and now.

00;32;26;10 – 00;32;48;08
Dr. Mona
Oh, I love no, but this is reality. I get it. I listen, we went through, I, we talk about it all the time. My son, pandemic kid, we went through this exact phase of no help, nothing. We didn’t. And so that’s why I’m so transparent about having help now because I was working full time, part time, having to do the pick up and drop off crying tears because I was so burned out and we had no help and frozen meals.

00;32;48;08 – 00;33;06;20
Dr. Mona
Trader Joe’s saved my life. I mean, I absolutely do not feel anything more than this is relatable parenting. Whether you are at home with your kids 24 seven, or whether you are out of the house, every parent needs to understand that this is real life. Like, I see this all the time at home in my office, like we are all, even if it’s perceived to be having it all together.

00;33;06;25 – 00;33;25;21
Dr. Mona
Everyone goes through whether it’s harder seasons or easier seasons or just this is it. Like I’m going to. And anytime my husband is working leftovers, frozen food, or takeout, I’m not making anything fresh because I also am not the cook. But what I am good at is being fun and silly and going to the park and kicking a ball with my kids and, you know, laughing and rolling on the ground.

00;33;25;21 – 00;33;28;28
Dr. Mona
But we all, like you said, going back to your strengths and like what you’re good at.

00;33;28;29 – 00;33;59;21
Neha Ruch
Making intentional choices about what so like do you up and that sort of gets you to, you know, this stage is also for you. Yeah. We don’t have to suffer through this. And I think anyways around help, I think that there are some creative solutions and when there aren’t like, you know, if it was a half an hour in the morning and a half an hour of the evening of TV time so I could have a break and my husband was cleaning at the end of the day so I could use nap time to work on mother untitled in the fridge, that’s how.

00;33;59;23 – 00;34;22;16
Neha Ruch
Yeah. And I want to be clear that the only time I was able to really grow this passion project into the business is once my kids were in school or right. And I had an after school babysitter, which I now do, you know. So, every year, the sort of equation of help changed, but so did my ability to reset on what I was able to give the other priorities in my life.

00;34;22;24 – 00;34;40;13
Dr. Mona
Yeah. And I think in the book you talk about finding new passions and strengths while focusing on family life, which is what you just mentioned. How is this possible in such a time consuming stage of life? I know I can add to it, having built the business within all this to like my own business, but you just said that you really were able to dive into a deeper when the children were in school.

00;34;40;15 – 00;35;02;06
Neha Ruch
And hold very realistic expectations possible in the meantime and trust in the long game. But I’m so, you know, I interviewed a woman, Chelsea Weiss from I believe her name was was it hard who she, who just really wanted to reconnect to Art? She’d been, working in a different industry and wanted to reconnect to this during the stage of life with her kids.

00;35;02;09 – 00;35;30;01
Neha Ruch
And she would set a kitchen timer and go into a room. And for seasons, it was 20 minutes a day. But being able to plant seeds for things we care about with the time we have available, it goes back to this idea of if you give yourself a goal, yeah, stage of life, and maybe it’s sheerly professional and it’s about staying connected to your network, and maybe it’s reading or listening to a podcast every single week, right in the industry.

00;35;30;01 – 00;35;50;09
Neha Ruch
Or maybe it’s exploring a new interest and it, tinkering with that idea on Squarespace. Right. Like and it’s going to be you’re going to block, you’re going to write about it or you’re going to, research it or you’re going to put pen to paper on it. One, you know, three times a week. That was how it worked for me.

00;35;50;09 – 00;36;18;29
Neha Ruch
I was very clear about what was possible. And, and then, you know, every year your kids do get older. And, my relationship to help changed, right? Like, I was able to find more help and invest in more help at different times. And I think that, knowing that that is possible to come back and recalibrate, but also allowing yourself to do a little bit is important.

00;36;18;29 – 00;36;38;21
Neha Ruch
And I think, you know, a lot of people say, well, how do I find the hobby? And I think you use what’s available to you, right? Yeah. Sometimes volunteering in the school, sometimes it’s scrolling Instagram and you’re on there anyways. So see where you linger a little bit. See. Yeah. Like like maybe it’s interior design. Maybe it’s family policy.

00;36;38;26 – 00;36;58;03
Neha Ruch
Maybe it’s health and nutrition. The content you consume leaves clues. And I think being able to use this time to study yourself, you don’t have to jump right into that hobby. But before you jump into that hobby or before you jump into that passion project, there can be little steps in between to do a better self-discovery. And I think there’s a lot of power in that too.

00;36;58;05 – 00;37;17;29
Dr. Mona
I well, thank you for talking about expectation, because I think that’s what helped a lot. Right? Because I think sometimes, especially if you’re transitioning from what you were doing or what you’re not, and all that expectation is the key of everything. I read this amazing book called solve, solve for happy, which talks about how the reason why so many of us are unhappy is when there’s a disconnect between expectation and reality, which I think we all know.

00;37;17;29 – 00;37;42;10
Dr. Mona
But there’s an equation for happiness here, and, you know, for me also, it was the expectation. And, you know, obviously managing that and also just understanding that that is going to ebb and flow, like you said. And also realizing that what is my time commitment and avoiding the comparison. Right. So when I dropped hours and was trying to build Pete’s Dog Talk, one of the biggest things that I would see fellow health communicators on multiple platforms, right?

00;37;42;10 – 00;38;09;29
Dr. Mona
Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, podcasts. And I had to really step back and say, I can’t do all of that right now. Like I cannot, even if I like to educate online, I got to look at what time I have with the fact that I have no child care. What can I be sustainable in? So I stayed on one platform, ventured out into podcasting, and when I started getting more consistent help, like you, you know, we were talking about is when I said, now I want to build a YouTube channel, or now I feel like this is something I really want to do for myself.

00;38;09;29 – 00;38;34;03
Dr. Mona
And it is that expectation and the comparison game, all of that can really rob us of ourselves, right? Like, what is it that you want when you’re looking at, well, so-and-so does it, but so-and-so may have help. So-and-so may be working one day a week. So I say this truly, because I think me and you, you know, we’re online and I don’t talk about this stuff every day, but people probably look into like how that that comment of how does she do it all?

00;38;34;03 – 00;38;56;26
Dr. Mona
And I’m like, everybody does have 24 hours a day. But some people have help. And that’s why I also talk about my help, is that I need to understand that I have a toddler like this. Is I the only reason I’m able to keep this sustainability is I have employees and I have help like otherwise. I wasn’t able to do this four years ago and it was after bedtime, you know, doing notes after the after Ryan went to bed and it was having to say no to opportunities.

00;38;56;26 – 00;39;13;17
Dr. Mona
And I was consistent, like you said, I was hopeful that my worth, like, you know, the things that I know how to do will show. And it did. But it’s all about managing expectations and not comparing yourself with some person on social media, or someone who’s even in your same field that may have more followers, or being doing great opportunities.

00;39;13;17 – 00;39;17;02
Dr. Mona
And they’re been doing this for eight years. And you just started out, you know.

00;39;17;05 – 00;39;51;03
Neha Ruch
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, one mindset equation that I often will do is right now I’m focusing on, I choose to let go of and I embrace. It’s a long game. Right. And because I, because I think in those years that mother untitled was sort of it really was. I remember looking around being like, this is a big movement, I know, but there were so many platforms that were thriving around me, many of them led by friends around the traditional supporting the traditional working parent.

00;39;51;03 – 00;40;13;29
Neha Ruch
And I remember being like, well, if I could just give this more time. But then when I thought about it, I thought, like, but I don’t want to miss this time with my children. Like actively choosing that. And I think, you know what I remember going on LinkedIn and seeing that the assistant I had hired was now in the C-suite of an agency, and I was like, oh my God, I’ve been out of the workforce.

00;40;13;29 – 00;40;17;04
Dr. Mona
Oh, you’re like, what is happened?

00;40;17;06 – 00;40;46;21
Neha Ruch
And, you know, and then I realized, wait a second, but I wouldn’t I don’t know what choices she’s made or not made right. Family life. I only know that my own choices, and I only know my particular version of blending all of this together. And I think as much as we can really do that, exercises to feel clear on what’s right for right now for our families, the more we’re able to step out of out of the comparison construct.

00;40;46;23 – 00;41;02;11
Dr. Mona
Sorry, I love what you’re doing. I think it’s so important. And I’m so happy you stuck with it. Obviously, I can see this making all the sense in the world to me, and I know it does to you. Now, if you could fast forward ten years, how do you hope the narrative around that, you know, terminology, stay at home parent?

00;41;02;14 – 00;41;06;09
Dr. Mona
Stay-At-Home mother and career pauses has evolved.

00;41;06;11 – 00;41;34;12
Neha Ruch
I think if we do our work right, and I really see this happening, a career pause is just one part of a very long career journey that includes pauses and shifts and sprints. And I think the phrase stay at home parent, while it may still linger in the vernacular in more women, more men will have the agency to be able to say, I’m pausing my work for right now and we’ll see what comes next.

00;41;34;15 – 00;41;45;04
Dr. Mona
I love it, I’m so excited for you. I’m so excited for this book and movement to continue to inspire people. What would be your final uplifting message for everyone listening today?

00;41;45;07 – 00;42;02;13
Neha Ruch
I think that phrase right now is, is miraculous. Yeah, whatever choice you’re making, it’s if you are clear, it’s the right choice, then that is a gift to you and your family. Yeah, you get to come back and recalibrate on that year over year.

00;42;02;16 – 00;42;26;29
Dr. Mona
I love this now because not only is this important for women to know, especially the women who are listening to the show, but as parents as well, you know, obviously my platform is geared towards parents. And that same, that same uplifting message applies to being a parent, right? Whether your mom or dad or a caregiver in other capacity, like people often think that everything is so permanent that my kid is just going to always be like this and that it’s always going to be hard and it’s always going to be this.

00;42;26;29 – 00;42;43;27
Dr. Mona
But I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it from my own experience. I’ve seen it from the families in my office. The the perspective change, understanding that nothing is permanent. And I say this, it’s going to sound very morbid, but nothing is permanent until we die. So there’s so much opportunity to change and how beautiful it is to have that perspective.

00;42;43;27 – 00;42;56;20
Dr. Mona
And I hope that we can continue to help each other, you know, create that movement. And obviously I’m going to be supporting mother entitled, and this book, to continue changing that narrative so that we can see change in the next five, ten years and beyond.

00;42;56;22 – 00;42;59;24
Neha Ruch
I see it happening. Thank you. Mom. It means the wise.

00;42;59;26 – 00;43;06;12
Dr. Mona
Yes. And where can everyone go to stay connected and get the book and, you know, get part of this movement as well.

00;43;06;14 – 00;43;19;13
Neha Ruch
You can subscribe on mother untitled.com, follow that mother Untitled on Instagram. And you can certainly invest in the Power Pods as a guide for you to navigate any career pauses or downshift to any of your preferred books.

00;43;19;15 – 00;43;35;22
Dr. Mona
I love that you talk about your book as an investment, and it is one of amazing investment. I am so excited to get deeper into the book as well. I love it. I know you’re going to teach me so much about not only the terminology, but the, you know, background of all of this and how to redefine ourselves, and I just I love it now.

00;43;35;22 – 00;43;37;18
Dr. Mona
Thank you so much for joining us today.

00;43;37;20 – 00;43;39;10
Neha Ruch
Thank you for having me.

00;43;39;12 – 00;43;58;09
Dr. Mona
What an incredible conversation today. I hope this episode gave you as much insight and inspiration as it gave me. Reexamining the narratives around stay at home motherhood, career pauses, and redefining success is not only timely, but so necessary. Share it with a mom in your life, as I feel it will resonate in whatever journey they’re in. In motherhood.

00;43;58;12 – 00;44;16;18
Dr. Mona
To all the moms out there, whether you’re working full time, the at home parent, or doing something in between, remember your choices are yours and your identity is multi-dimensional. You can be a mom and so much more. And if you’re feeling torn or uncertain about the paths that you’re taking, know that it’s okay to redefine what success means for you.

00;44;16;20 – 00;44;37;02
Dr. Mona
Thank you so much to now for sharing her journey and wisdom with us. Be sure to check out her book and connect with her via her social handles on my show notes. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to subscribe, share it with a friend and leave a review. It really helps us reach more parents like you. Next week, get ready for a powerful and thought provoking conversation with Root Whitman in time for the inauguration.

00;44;37;07 – 00;45;02;13
Dr. Mona
She’s a celebrated author and cultural critic, and we explored the intersection of masculinity, politics, and parenting boys in today’s world. In the upcoming episode, Ruth tackles how political and cultural shifts are reshaping masculinity and vice versa, and the unique challenges boys face growing up in a polarized political society. She was already on the podcast last year talking about raising boys in an age of toxic masculinity.

00;45;02;17 – 00;45;20;29
Dr. Mona
And I had to have her back on to talk more about the politics and masculinity overlap. It is a great conversation you don’t want to miss. And as always, I’m Doctor Mona reminding you to embrace your unique parenting journey with love, grace and confidence. Until next time, take care, stay connected and stay well.