October is ADHD awareness month and I invited Lori Long and Katie Severson founders of The Childhood Collective, an online resource to help parents of children with ADHD. Whether you or your child has ADHD or not, we discuss some very important parenting strategies that you may find useful even if your child does not have ADHD.

 

We discuss:

• What to remember about the ADHD brain and how to better approach your child with ADHD
• Why some parenting discipline strategies like gentle parenting may not work with children with ADHD and what they may need instead
• How to approach ADHD parenting with prevention versus consequences

 

To connect with Dr. Mallory Yee and Dr. Lori Long follow them on Instagram @thechildhoodcollective, check out all their resources at https://www.thechildhoodcollective.com/ and download their free guide: 6 Keys to Parenting a Happy and Independent Child with ADHD.

 

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and subscribe to PedsDocTalk TV.

 

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships page of the website.

00;00;00;06 – 00;00;19;06
Mallory Yee
I think the first thing that I would tell parents is that parenting ADHD is really hard, and that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. If it’s hard. One of the thing that we tell, one of the things that we tell parents all the time, is that good parents can have challenging kids.

00;00;19;09 – 00;00;34;28
Mallory Yee
It’s not a reflection on how good of a parent you are. It’s not even a it’s not even a reflection on your child. Their brain is developing and working differently, so good parents can have challenging kids. It’s not a reflection on you.

00;00;35;01 – 00;00;56;23
Dr. Mona
Hello, it’s Doctor Mona and welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. Just a reminder, our show is now on YouTube, and if you like closed captioning or facial expressions when you listen to conversations, check it out there or otherwise. Keep listening here. But wherever you listen, do me a favor and leave a review and share episodes you love on social media channels so more people can discover the show.

00;00;56;25 – 00;01;20;28
Dr. Mona
And whenever I think, well, I find more guests for the show. I get amazing guest inquiries. I record episodes in batches in fall and late winter to early spring, and I am just so in love with the conversations that I started recording this fall. And I cannot wait to get them all out to you. So thank you! I love what I get to do here and you all make it possible as well as my incredible guests.

00;01;21;02 – 00;01;43;28
Dr. Mona
So keep showing the love. Now let’s get to today’s episode in honor of ADHD Awareness Month in October. Yes, it is already October. I welcome Doctor Lori Long and Doctor Mallory, child psychologist and two founders of the Childhood Collective, a platform that helps parents find the confidence in raising kids with ADHD. We talk about parenting, ADHD, why certain parenting tips you hear on social media won’t work.

00;01;44;04 – 00;02;05;05
Dr. Mona
And some common misconceptions on ADHD. This is an important conversation whether you have ADHD or parenting IT or not, so you can understand how the brain works to be more understanding to your friends, your child’s peers, or the people in your life. And don’t forget to check out my reel on Instagram for a chance to win resources from The Childhood Collective and myself.

00;02;05;11 – 00;02;08;28
Dr. Mona
Let’s get to it! Thank you so much for joining me today, both of you.

00;02;09;01 – 00;02;11;22
Lori Long
Thanks for having us on. We’re so excited to be here.

00;02;11;24 – 00;02;13;22
Mallory Yee
Yeah, we’re excited to join you today. Thanks.

00;02;13;23 – 00;02;33;15
Dr. Mona
Yeah. And I was on your show. I really love the conversation we had on your show. You know, talking about ADHD from a pediatrician standpoint, how to advocate. And so I’m so excited to have you all on today. And I know it’s not just you two that have found a childhood collective. There’s a third amazing part of your team who’s not able to join us.

00;02;33;15 – 00;02;39;06
Dr. Mona
Tell us more about your platform yourself and why you started the Childhood Collective.

00;02;39;09 – 00;03;20;16
Lori Long
Yeah, so it’s myself, Lori and Mallory. We are both child psychologists and, Katie, who is not here with us today. Unfortunately, she had a doctor’s appointment for her son. But she is a speech language pathologist, so we have worked, you know, for many years in private practice, doing testing therapy for kids, with ADHD, autism. And we really found for our families, of kids with ADHD that, you know, after their diagnosis is a lot of times they were given kind of an option of medication and they didn’t really get practical kind of tools or tips and strategies and medication is great.

00;03;20;16 – 00;03;42;21
Lori Long
It’s an amazing tool. We talked about that obviously on our podcast. But many, you know, it’s not the only tool and many parents still need help with what do I do at home when they’re having these behavioral challenges? Are these big emotions? What do I do at school when these things are happening and really needing more, more tips and strategies?

00;03;42;21 – 00;04;03;01
Lori Long
And a lot of times they were referred to like a child therapist. And if a child therapist doesn’t have training and background in ADHD, it’s very hard for them to kind of support parents. So we really felt like we wanted to provide science backed tips and strategies to parents. And we do that through our Instagram, through social media.

00;04;03;01 – 00;04;12;00
Lori Long
We also have online courses for, parents to kind of help support their kids at home and at school. So that’s kind of how we got started on it.

00;04;12;03 – 00;04;33;13
Dr. Mona
I love it, and I think, you know, you mentioned already that if the therapist doesn’t have experience in ADHD, but also a lot of pediatricians, you know, I spoke about that on on your episode or on your podcast, how myself included, like, I, I know, I know a bit about ADHD, but not nearly as much as you all know in terms of the actual parenting experience, right?

00;04;33;20 – 00;04;55;21
Dr. Mona
I can talk to you about here’s the resources you need, and if we’re going to do medication and whatnot. But there’s so much more than that, right? We know that children with ADHD, it’s such a multifactorial experience and also intervention. And I my biggest pet peeve is colleagues of mine or, you know, other other people I’m hearing say to me, well, yeah, I just got this medication, but nothing else.

00;04;55;21 – 00;05;16;16
Dr. Mona
There was no, you know, what was happening with the school system? What’s happening with behavioral therapy? What is the support system looking like for this child? Because it’s not just medication with pretty much everything I see as a physician, it’s never the one thing. It’s usually a combo of everything. So I love that you all provide that. And I have learned so much from both of you.

00;05;16;16 – 00;05;17;22
Dr. Mona
I mentioned that on your show, but.

00;05;17;22 – 00;05;18;24
Lori Long
It is all thank you.

00;05;18;25 – 00;05;32;21
Dr. Mona
Yeah, it’s so great. I love having this platform of mine because I become a better pediatrician by getting guests on who know way more about a topic than I do, which is as an example, ADHD. So from the get go, I just want to say thank you for all the work that you’re doing.

00;05;32;23 – 00;05;33;24
Mallory Yee
Thank absolutely.

00;05;33;25 – 00;05;50;01
Lori Long
We have learned so much from you as a pediatrician and, having so many other people in our podcast, it’s we just grow and learn so much. The things that you don’t get in school, you don’t get in grad school. So it’s it’s awesome to have that in perspective.

00;05;50;04 – 00;06;15;04
Mallory Yee
And I think you touch on an important point, kind of going back to what you were saying, Doctor Mona, about how parents really are thrust into this job of being an advocate for their child at school, at the pediatrician’s office, with a child therapist who maybe doesn’t specialize in ADHD parents. Parents need to specialize in ADHD, right? They already specialize in their child, but they’re constantly having to advocate for their child.

00;06;15;09 – 00;06;39;18
Mallory Yee
When it comes to family members who are uneducated about ADHD, maybe a teacher. Most teachers don’t get training in ADHD specifically, or maybe it was just a part of one small class. So another reason we started the Childhood Collective is recognizing that these ADHD parents are in a very important position of advocating for their child, and they’re the most important person to have this knowledge so they can advocate for their kids.

00;06;39;18 – 00;06;56;10
Dr. Mona
Yeah, I have learned the most from my neurodiverse ADHD families, like the ones that tell me, hey, this isn’t working, this strategy’s not working. And I’m like, let’s dive deeper into this. So what would be the first thing that you would tell every parent of a child who’s just received a diagnosis of ADHD?

00;06;56;13 – 00;07;17;05
Mallory Yee
Yeah, that’s a good question. And I think the first thing that I would tell parents is that parenting ADHD is really hard. And that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong if it’s hard. One of the thing that we tell, one of the things that we tell parents all the time, is that good parents can have challenging kids.

00;07;17;05 – 00;07;30;28
Mallory Yee
Yeah. It’s not a reflection on how good of a parent you are. It’s not even a it’s not even a reflection on your child. Their brain is developing and working differently. So good parents can have challenging kids.

00;07;30;28 – 00;07;31;20
Dr. Mona
Yes. And it’s.

00;07;31;20 – 00;07;32;17
Mallory Yee
Not a reflection on.

00;07;32;17 – 00;07;54;08
Lori Long
You and we’ll see this with families. I see this all the time with families who have one child with ADHD and another child that doesn’t. And you parented them exactly the same. You use the same strategies, you feed them the same food, you do all the same things and the things that you do for one just don’t work for the other.

00;07;54;10 – 00;08;17;05
Lori Long
And again, it is because their brain just works differently. And if, you know, we also tell parents, like if you’re on social media and you’re consuming a lot of parenting advice because you’re struggling, we know so many parents of kids with ADHD, are, a lot of those things might not work for you. And that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.

00;08;17;05 – 00;08;34;26
Lori Long
That, again, your child’s brain just works differently. And it can be. I know, frustrating when you’re like, all these people are saying that these strategies should work and they just don’t work for my child. If they do, that’s awesome. And, you know, that’s that’s great. But sometimes it feels like, oh, I must be doing it wrong because it isn’t working.

00;08;34;26 – 00;08;36;22
Lori Long
And that’s that’s not true at all.

00;08;36;29 – 00;08;52;22
Dr. Mona
Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors. Oh, listen, that’s my pet peeve of mine on all things parenting. And it’s hard, even as I say content, right? Like when I create content, I’m literally hearing like a tip that I have and I’m like, well, how does this apply to all children? I even try to write in captions.

00;08;52;22 – 00;09;12;07
Dr. Mona
Sometimes I’m like, listen, this isn’t going to apply to every child. I don’t want you ever think that you’re failing if you’re not. But it’s so hard. But I appreciate when we provide that nuance for families, right? Because it is a huge reality. And I think, like you said, perfectly can lead to so much guilt that I am failing my child when, like you said, kids are different.

00;09;12;07 – 00;09;34;07
Dr. Mona
And I actually asked my community, you know, I when I, they knew that you all were coming on, I asked my followers for questions and the biggest question I got was how to support a child with ADHD when me or my partner don’t have it. So what would be your tip for these families that are trying to navigate this new diagnosis and may not know much about it from a personal aspect?

00;09;34;07 – 00;09;53;18
Mallory Yee
Yeah. It’s interesting. I actually feel like we get the opposite question more, of I have ADHD now, how am I supposed to do all of these things? Yeah. How am I supposed to? How am I supposed to help my child with organization, with executive functioning when I’m struggling with that? Like recognizing I’m not the best model of that?

00;09;53;18 – 00;10;14;10
Mallory Yee
And you’re telling me I have to teach them something that I haven’t even solved yet? So we kind of have, you know, two different scenarios here. We have a lot of followers who have ADHD themselves trying to figure out how to raise a child with ADHD when they’re still figuring it out themselves. But then, like you said, there are followers who are coming to us and they’re saying, I don’t have ADHD.

00;10;14;10 – 00;10;18;07
Mallory Yee
I don’t get it. How do I parent this child when I don’t get their brain?

00;10;18;13 – 00;10;43;13
Lori Long
Yeah. And I think in working with those families, in trying to educate them, you know, there will be a lot of times parents when we do that first interview and they don’t understand ADHD. Right. And they’re saying my child is really defiant. You know they they don’t listen to me when I, when I give them an instruction and then we, when we kind of delve into that, it’s like, well they’re not, they’re not just a defiant.

00;10;43;13 – 00;11;10;06
Lori Long
Some are, some can definitely be defiant, don’t get me wrong. But a lot of times it’s not. They’re they hear an instruction and they get distracted in the middle of that instruction, or they haven’t even heard the instruction. They’re so hyper focused on whatever activity that they’re doing that they literally did not even hear you. Right. And so sometimes it is when you don’t experience those things yourself, it’s really hard to understand, well, how can my child have done this?

00;11;10;06 – 00;11;41;02
Lori Long
But we spent two hours on their homework last night, and then they went to school and didn’t turn it in and this is happening over and over again. Like I know that they want to turn it in. They don’t want to get a bad grade. Why is this happening? And they don’t understand that executive functioning piece. And, and it’s really is the first kind of component of working with families is educating them about what ADHD, what ADHD is, executive functioning deficits that go along with that, that your child often isn’t lazy, isn’t unmotivated.

00;11;41;04 – 00;11;46;09
Lori Long
But these things are really hard for them. And helping them understand that.

00;11;46;12 – 00;12;01;20
Dr. Mona
And in terms of executive functioning, if people are not familiar with what that is, you already kind of mentioned some of the things, but what are some things that we may so what are some things that someone who has is executive functioning may may not understand that that’s what it is like. How would you define that? What are some skills that go into that.

00;12;01;25 – 00;12;06;14
Dr. Mona
And again, why is it that the ADHD brain has more difficulty with that.

00;12;06;16 – 00;12;27;27
Mallory Yee
Oh gosh. There’s so much that goes into executive functioning. We kind of call executive functioning. It’s kind of like the GPS of your brain is telling you. It’s telling you where you need to go. Like what’s the end goal. We talk a lot about seeing the future picture. Like how are you supposed to start a task if you don’t even know, like where you’re where you’re headed with what you’re trying to work towards.

00;12;27;27 – 00;12;43;21
Mallory Yee
So like, go clean your room a lot of time. Kids have a hard time like visualizing, like, what does a clean room look like? Like, I need to have that vision in my mind to know that, to make my room clean, the laundry needs to be picked up. The Legos need to go away. I need to clean off my dresser.

00;12;43;25 – 00;13;12;12
Mallory Yee
So one one of those executive functions, kind of like seeing that future picture forward thinking, flexibility, cognitive like shifting. So maybe you’re on the way to that destination, but something comes up and your original plan isn’t going to work anymore. So you kind of have to shift plans, working memory. So knowing, remembering the steps of the task in the moment when you’re doing it, avoiding distractions.

00;13;12;12 – 00;13;32;18
Mallory Yee
So you’re there cleaning up the Legos, but then you find some pieces that you think would make a really great, cleaning. What did my son make recently? A super street cleaner or something like that that had all these bristles. So you’re supposed to be cleaning up the Legos, but then you see all these cleaning bristles and you’re like, actually, I think I’m going to make the super the super cleaner.

00;13;32;20 – 00;13;51;14
Mallory Yee
So you get distracted. So it’s all about knowing where you’re going and actually being able to follow through all the way to get there. Our kids really with ADHD, really struggle that and it’s not struggle with that. And it’s not because they’re bad kids. It’s not because they’re naughty. It’s because they have delays in the development of their executive functioning skills.

00;13;51;17 – 00;13;53;17
Dr. Mona
Thank you so much I love that. Yeah.

00;13;53;17 – 00;14;17;06
Lori Long
And all kids, all kids have delays in executive functioning skills. We’re developing those all throughout, adolescence into early adulthood. But it’s it’s the differences. Kids with ADHD are often, you know, delayed more significantly than, than other kids their same age. So changing our expectations around what they are capable of is really important to them.

00;14;17;09 – 00;14;31;22
Dr. Mona
You already mentioned a few misconceptions, right? You said that children with ADHD are looked at as lazy or defiant. What are some other misconceptions that you feel need to be clarified here and you here often with your, you know, your community online or with your patients that you see?

00;14;31;28 – 00;15;01;10
Mallory Yee
Oh gosh, a big one is that they’re not smart, which is just not true because they might be struggling at school. But it’s not because they don’t, because they’re not smart. Kids with ADHD are very smart, kids with ADHD can be intellectually gifted. Yeah. But but they can get kind of a reputation or b be thought of as not smart because maybe their grades aren’t great, but it’s a lot of times it’s coming back to those executive functioning skills and lack of support with those executive functioning skills that’s contributing to the poor grades.

00;15;01;10 – 00;15;06;25
Mallory Yee
It has nothing to do with their cognitive skills. So I’d say that they’re not smart is a big misconception.

00;15;06;25 – 00;15;29;20
Lori Long
And along the same lines, we hear a lot of families hearing from schools that their kids don’t need accommodations or interventions and supports at school because they’re smart, because they’re getting good grades. So it’s kind of like, well, their grades are good, even though they’re getting referred to the office. Like numerous times a week for behavioral challenges.

00;15;29;22 – 00;15;42;03
Lori Long
They’re forgetting to turn in work. You’re spending hours every night on homework, where they’re sort of written it off as needing those accommodations and supports because the grades are good.

00;15;42;06 – 00;15;53;06
Mallory Yee
Oh, yeah. And then so in that case, a lot of times it’s just said your kid just needs to try harder. They just need to try a little bit harder. Just if they just applied themselves.

00;15;53;08 – 00;15;54;29
Dr. Mona
If it was that easy. Yes.

00;15;55;04 – 00;15;56;03
Mallory Yee
You know, right.

00;15;56;05 – 00;16;01;00
Dr. Mona
Then I think of that you wouldn’t, you wouldn’t have the platform you have and you wouldn’t. We wouldn’t be talking about these things.

00;16;01;00 – 00;16;02;12
Mallory Yee
Oh, yeah. Exactly.

00;16;02;14 – 00;16;30;28
Lori Long
Get a lot of the families I work with to you know, I will see one child that’ll get referred. And it’s the kind of classic, hyperactive, impulsive kid that’s blurting out all the time, interrupting. They can’t sit still. Those are the kids that are, like, first getting noticed, right? And then as we’re kind of going through this process with their child, they’re learning about attention and executive functioning and self-regulation as being these like core issues for kids with ADHD.

00;16;30;28 – 00;16;57;26
Lori Long
And all of a sudden, like a light bulb goes off and they’re seeing their child who’s, not hyperactive, like, if anything, they’re they can be underactive, but they’re struggling with the same things of needing constant reminders at home, struggling with organization at school. They’re not completing work and it’s getting sent home. So I think many misconceptions around ADHD is that it’s like always this hyperactivity impulsivity.

00;16;57;26 – 00;17;12;14
Lori Long
And for a lot of kids, especially girls, they can get unnoticed because they aren’t having those external behaviors. It’s they kind of fly under the radar, but they’re struggling just as much with those executive functioning skills.

00;17;12;17 – 00;17;24;00
Mallory Yee
So a lot of time those kids are getting the label of Spacey or daddy or me. And again they just need to try harder and focus and all is say that jokingly of course.

00;17;24;00 – 00;17;31;23
Lori Long
Yeah I was space cadet Lori. That was my my nickname at home for many years. So Spacey is a big one for girls.

00;17;31;23 – 00;17;52;11
Dr. Mona
Yeah, yeah. I mean, we know this with a lot of, you know, neurodiversity in general, you know, like autism being a different diagnosis as well. But yeah, like I mean there is definitely girls tend to fly under the radar, get later diagnoses. And I see like a lot of peers on social media, like adults who have gotten diagnoses, like my female adults who’ve gotten diagnoses of ADHD in their adult life.

00;17;52;13 – 00;18;14;21
Dr. Mona
And they just kind of, you know, coasted or maybe not coasted and just kind of dealt with it. And then they finally are like, no, I feel better knowing that I have this and that. My brain works differently. And I, I think that’s my misconception that I like to straighten out is that it’s not a it’s not a we talk about it being, you know, obviously a variance in executive function and it’s just not a deficit, but more a difference in how we learn.

00;18;14;21 – 00;18;40;10
Dr. Mona
You know, it’s a, you know, just understanding that it’s a uniqueness and difference and how we can support that. That brain is so vital. And I think from a pediatrician standpoint, I think the modern education system in America is not very supportive of the diversity of brains. Right? I mean, having any child sit and focus for that many hours, I mean, I don’t even want to sit and focus for that many hours.

00;18;40;10 – 00;19;05;03
Dr. Mona
And I’m neurotypical. It’s not easy. And so I love when we can talk about that, because it’s not a dig on teachers. It’s not a dig on that. It’s a dig on a system that doesn’t support ADHD children or neurodiverse children as a whole. And then it’s it is feeling like failure, like I see that I see my kids coming in feeling like they can’t keep up or that they they’re doing something wrong, when really it’s just maybe we’re different.

00;19;05;03 – 00;19;19;22
Dr. Mona
Maybe if we change how we approach the school day and, and you know, obviously there is accommodations that are needed to have. But I’m sure you all feel the same way with, you know, what you hear from schools and more. So the parents and how they’re feeling that their children are approaching the school system.

00;19;19;25 – 00;19;32;15
Lori Long
When I had a little boy that I was interviewing the other day, who’s just a real hyperactive kiddo and the sweetest little boy and very articulate, and he just said, you know, no one understands me at school.

00;19;32;20 – 00;19;33;02
Dr. Mona
I mean.

00;19;33;02 – 00;19;47;22
Lori Long
All teachers don’t understand me. The other kids don’t understand me. They don’t understand when I get up and have to move around. And it was yeah, it’s heartbreaking hearing that. But the kids are aware of it, you know, and they see that difference in themselves too.

00;19;47;25 – 00;20;02;15
Dr. Mona
Oh, that breaks my heart because I get it. And, you know, seeing it in my office and seeing that, you know, when we especially when we start talking about meds, I again, I’m not against meds. I’ve spoken about that on your show, but I, I, I want us to sort of empower are these families and say, hey here.

00;20;02;15 – 00;20;22;09
Dr. Mona
What are some ways that we can support you holistically and also make you remember that you are an awesome child and that you’re going to you have your own potential here. You know, I think I’ve spoken about this with you already. My husband has ADHD, but he’s never taken medicine and he became a successful ER doctor. And I say that story because my husband could have been on medicine.

00;20;22;09 – 00;20;44;05
Dr. Mona
He probably, maybe will in the future, who knows. But he found a career that supports his ADHD, meaning it is a, superhero strength to be able to to go all, you know, be able to move and move and move is active and it’s a superpower he has. When I would get overwhelmed in that same situation. Absolutely. It’s like, oh my gosh, I’m ready for this.

00;20;44;05 – 00;21;00;06
Dr. Mona
I’m ready to be interrupted and do this and then move and move and move. And I, I say that because I just think it’s so nice that we can foster the strengths of our children and support them in a school system, but also every parent not to look at it as like a, a negative like, this is who our kids are and how can we support it.

00;21;00;06 – 00;21;19;23
Dr. Mona
And my little boy may have ADHD, you know, he’s only five right now. But like almost five and I, I say this because I’m like, I’m I’m ready to support him if he needs it. But I know how hard it is, like I yeah, I see that, you know, we talked about that from the beginning. It is hard because the not everyone understands, you know, if we had just more understanding Moodle easier.

00;21;19;26 – 00;21;44;17
Lori Long
Yeah. I think whenever you have a, you know, a direct family member with ADHD, you’re, you should have your eyes out for that in your kids. And and again, we just know it’s a very heritable diagnosis. I would love to see research on ADHD and er doctors though, because yeah, I feel like I’ve had so many er doctors that have said the same thing.

00;21;44;18 – 00;22;08;02
Lori Long
It is it what’s awesome is we, you know, our business really is about helping kids understand their brains and having them gain that confidence in themselves and creating an environment to really support them, because we know that later on in life, once we once we give them those tools and they help develop the passions and the things that they’re good at, they really can thrive.

00;22;08;02 – 00;22;27;07
Lori Long
But in these school years, it is hard because schools are not made for ADHD kids. Yeah, they can’t follow their passions. We all have to learn reading, math, writing some things that they’re maybe not as interested in, they’re not as passionate about, and these years are just harder because of that.

00;22;27;09 – 00;22;30;22
Dr. Mona
Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors.

00;22;30;24 – 00;22;50;17
Mallory Yee
Yeah, but they they do say that ADHD ers find themselves in careers that do match their brain type. And coincidentally, most of those look nothing like our standard education system. Yeah. But but I do want to, like, offer a reassuring word to parents that with the right kind of supports and accommodations, your child can be successful at school.

00;22;50;19 – 00;23;22;25
Mallory Yee
Your child is not doomed for, you know. What is it? 13. You know, up through high school, 13 years of a miserable education, career, it is possible to parents to have your child find success in the traditional education system with the right supports, though. And again, it’s thrusting parents into this position of being an advocate, knowing what possibilities are out there for their child in the school system, and then educating teachers and even administration at the schools about what your child needs and making sure that that happens.

00;23;22;25 – 00;23;24;05
Mallory Yee
It’s it’s challenging.

00;23;24;05 – 00;23;43;01
Dr. Mona
Yeah. And also it depends on where you are, right? I mean, I’m in Florida right now at the time of this recording and the resources for neurodiversity in general, mental health in general is so hard here. And I know it’s hard a lot in a lot of places, but like the access to just the support that we need, not only in a school system, it’s so hard, but also outside.

00;23;43;01 – 00;24;01;01
Dr. Mona
And it’s just like kills me. Like I told my husband, I’m like, I just want to start like a, an organization that helps neurodiverse families get the resources they need because it’s so valuable and it’s so empowering, like you are doing. Right? I mean, we talk about this, that I want us to empower these families and we know how hard it is.

00;24;01;01 – 00;24;18;05
Dr. Mona
I see it, I see it every visit, every of my families coming in, not being able to find medication back order that this, that, whatever it is like feeling the stress and the the weight of the school day. That kid comes home and having to sit down and do work when it’s like their brain is just like, no, I don’t want to do this.

00;24;18;05 – 00;24;38;21
Dr. Mona
Like it is so hard. And I, I attest to that as well from the pediatrician standpoint. And, you know, Laura, you had already mentioned something about, you know, parenting strategies, right? Especially on social media. We come in and we see all these great strategies, and especially the online movement of gentle parenting, you know, and how that tends to be a lot of the focus on a lot of online parenting accounts.

00;24;38;21 – 00;24;56;11
Dr. Mona
And, you know, it may work for many children, but it may not for ADHD kids and maybe kids who don’t have ADHD. What are some better ways to approach boundaries and discipline? I know this could be an entire, you know, course, probably. What would you say, you know, to that family who’s like, it’s just not working. They don’t listen.

00;24;56;11 – 00;25;00;08
Dr. Mona
They don’t understand boundaries and discipline. What would be your, you know, tip for that?

00;25;00;10 – 00;25;35;26
Lori Long
I mean, I think, again, gentle parenting there, they’re going to be waves of different parenting strategies over the years that are like, popular, right? And right now we’re in gentle parenting. And there are some great things about gentle parenting that we do find very helpful and very effective for our kids with ADHD. And those are we love validating emotions, and helping our kids, start to have a language around emotions that might not otherwise like be able to communicate that effectively.

00;25;35;29 – 00;25;56;28
Lori Long
So I think really that’s, that’s an awesome thing that Gentle Parenting has done. I think the kind of idea of connection and, and spending time that is like one of the things that we especially when kids are really defiant. One of the first things we talk about as child psychologists is setting aside one on one time for 5 to 10 minutes a day.

00;25;56;28 – 00;26;11;06
Lori Long
It doesn’t have to be a lot to just connect with your child. Play, connect. You’re not correcting. You’re not, it’s not contingent on their behavior, them being good during the day. You’re just spending time having fun.

00;26;11;06 – 00;26;12;05
Dr. Mona
Which, yeah, we.

00;26;12;05 – 00;26;33;03
Lori Long
Find is so important for kids with ADHD and parents, especially because a lot of times you’re getting into this cycle of negativity where it’s the relationship is failing. We hear from so many families that I want to, recognize that this is a feeling many families have that I love my child, but I don’t like being around them a lot at the time.

00;26;33;05 – 00;26;52;06
Lori Long
And so we want to bring back some of that joy and some of that feeling of connection with families. And it’s kind of a simple way of doing it and setting aside that time each day. And if you can’t do it every day, if you have multiple kids fitting it in whenever you can, and it doesn’t have to be anything big, it could be talking to them at night.

00;26;52;06 – 00;27;32;23
Lori Long
It could be reading a book with them. So that’s a part of gentle parenting that I think is awesome. Yeah. We talk a lot about holding boundaries, and that’s really communicated very well with Gentle Parenting of when I give a boundary young something, I’m holding it. I’m being consistent with it. That’s so important for our kids with ADHD to be able to learn effective, some of the, the challenges with with this for our kids who are neurodivergent, is they tend to go from 0 to 100 and they’re 100 oftentimes looks very different than a neurotypical child where they’re becoming very physically aggressive.

00;27;32;23 – 00;27;54;22
Lori Long
So I’ve had recently some kids in my office that are being, you know, I I’ll give an example. We we take lots of breaks. And I am very aware of transitions being hard for kids. So we have a timer, I give them warnings when the break is over. We put toys away by by toys. And okay, it’s time to get back to what we were doing.

00;27;54;25 – 00;28;13;09
Lori Long
And I had one child and he was like, no, no, no, no, no. And so hold one. Holding that boundary is essential because I’m, I know if I don’t hold this boundary, I’m never going to get through testing. I never get through the testing that day. Right. So it’s bye bye toys. And he, you know, I’m getting hit.

00;28;13;09 – 00;28;38;07
Lori Long
I’m getting kicked, I’m getting water bottles thrown at me. And so, you know, I see these behaviors and it’s very hard. And even as somebody who’s not a parent to this child, it’s very disregulated to be in those moments. And what I often see in those moments where parents will, again, if they’re following kind of general advice are if, okay, I see, I see you’re mad.

00;28;38;07 – 00;29;00;04
Lori Long
They’re talking a lot. They’re getting close to their kids. And that’s when a lot of times that can really backfire for a lot of reasons. One, it can be just unsafe. You’re putting yourself in an unsafe position. I’ve seen therapists get, you know, bases broken over their heads doing things like getting kind of talking a lot for ADHD.

00;29;00;04 – 00;29;24;07
Lori Long
We say minimize as verbal instructions and talking as much as you can. It’s just a lot for their brains to process. So we really train, you know, if in those instances I don’t give a lot of attention to that, I kind of turn around, I don’t I, I kind of give little as little attention because if you’re giving lots of attention, sometimes you’re inadvertently.

00;29;24;10 – 00;29;50;11
Lori Long
Yes, giving, giving that meeting, that need that that child has, they want that attention in your in a inadvertently kind of reinforcing that behavior. And it might happen again and again. So really kind of giving as little, little attention to that as possible and maybe giving a short redirect when I hear you’re upset, I’m going to just stay over here until you’re ready to come down.

00;29;50;14 – 00;29;51;24
Lori Long
Okay? Lori, how dare you?

00;29;51;24 – 00;29;57;11
Dr. Mona
How dare you ignore the child? No. I’m kidding right. Like this. And I completely agree with that.

00;29;57;11 – 00;30;24;29
Lori Long
But I but I and if you’re at home again, the issue is, is we we do see issues with abuse and whatever because you can get dysregulated very easily in the face of very aggressive behaviors. And and again it’s very dysregulated for a parent. So recognizing especially if you have ADHD or self and you get dysregulated easily, it’s okay to go somewhere else and stay calm and and take space.

00;30;24;29 – 00;30;47;12
Lori Long
And I think that’s where a lot of accounts might say, hey, you need to stay with your child. And I often see that like being a really bad situation for a lot of families. So that’s one instance. And again, I’m if I’m handling that in my office, I give limited attention. I might give a small redirection until that child comes down and they do calm down pretty quickly.

00;30;47;12 – 00;31;04;21
Lori Long
And I will tell you, almost every time they feel horrible about that behavior, they don’t want to be doing those things. Yeah, horrible afterwards. And we just go on like it didn’t even happen. I pretend like it didn’t even happen. Everything’s back to normal and I’m giving them lots of praise and attention. And we’re going on about our thing.

00;31;04;24 – 00;31;11;02
Mallory Yee
No grudges held. No. Yes. No guilt trail, no guilt trips where you are. You didn’t even know you weren’t.

00;31;11;02 – 00;31;11;24
Dr. Mona
Moving, right?

00;31;11;27 – 00;31;12;19
Mallory Yee
It’s it’s such.

00;31;12;20 – 00;31;15;28
Dr. Mona
Supportive. Yeah, I love that. It sounds so supportive.

00;31;16;01 – 00;31;42;07
Lori Long
Again, if we want to talk about that with an older child and process that we’re going to do that much further out of that situation where they can have thought about it and talk about it. But in that moment, it’s just not the right time. Again, we hear a lot about negativity around rewards and using praise and, corrections, timeouts being these horrible things.

00;31;42;12 – 00;31;45;06
Lori Long
And in fact, they’re just very well researched.

00;31;45;06 – 00;31;46;19
Dr. Mona
Yes. They’re yeah.

00;31;46;21 – 00;32;14;24
Lori Long
They’re very well researched. Interventions especially for kids with ADHD. And there’s a lot of negativity around that. And I think part of that, especially with punishments and timeouts, is there’s so much confusion about what a punishment is or what a timeout looks like, and maybe they aren’t being used correctly. But you’ll hear gentle, you know, gentle parenting accounts saying like, oh, if you’re not using that toy, then I’m going to take it more.

00;32;14;27 – 00;32;39;05
Lori Long
If you can’t use it appropriately, I’m going to take it and remove it. Well, that’s a timeout is a timeout from positive reinforcement. You’re removing a positive reinforcing thing that is a timeout. So again I think there’s a lot of issues with like semantics around things like that. But we do again for kids with ADHD punishment is not is not going to be effective at changing behaviors.

00;32;39;08 – 00;33;08;24
Lori Long
Punishment does not teach our kids new skills. It does not teach our kids what we want them to be doing. We really have a strong focus on teaching very clearly our kids, teaching them expectations, having very clear consequences that we’ve laid out with them that they’re fully aware of, and doing a lot of praise and positive feedback and rewards because kids with ADHD, their brains just really thrive with immediate feedback.

00;33;08;26 – 00;33;34;02
Lori Long
They learn new skills much quicker when they have immediate positive feedback in their environment. And it also has the effect on us, as parents, of focusing our attention on the good things our kids are doing. And many times we talk with families and they’re like, well, my child doesn’t. They’re not doing anything good throughout the day. And a lot of times that, I mean, again, it’s might not that that may be true.

00;33;34;02 – 00;34;06;03
Lori Long
Like there’s a lot of challenging things, but there are moments that are positive. There are moments when they’re doing those things. It’s just hard for us to pay attention to those as parents. You know, our and that’s not something you’re doing wrong. That is our natural inclination as parents is to put out fires. But we try and teach parents to really prevent challenges by teaching expectations, reinforcing their kids, teaching new skills, and teaching those executive functioning skills that they’re lacking in.

00;34;06;06 – 00;34;12;10
Lori Long
And again, that’s really how we change behaviors. And that’s our focus.

00;34;12;13 – 00;34;35;04
Mallory Yee
And I think it’s important for parents to keep in mind that all of these tools are just one small part of your whole parenting toolkit. Yeah. If you if you decide that you subscribe to the idea of praise, like, that’s not that’s not the only thing in your parenting toolkit, right? That’s one small piece. And you have all of these tools and some of them you’re going to use more sparingly than others.

00;34;35;06 – 00;34;58;25
Mallory Yee
And you have to figure out, like, the right blend of those things that really works for your family. But again, just echoing what Lori said, like positive parenting, really focusing on what your child is already getting right and growing skills and supporting them in the areas where they do need a little extra support is it’s like what they say, like an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

00;34;58;26 – 00;35;17;08
Mallory Yee
Like we’re really going to bulk up the front end of noticing when they’re getting it right and building the skills so they can get it right more, rather than investing all of our energy into correcting them. Because then that’s when you get stuck in that cycle of correction after correction, and then your child starts to feel like they can’t do anything right.

00;35;17;12 – 00;35;28;16
Mallory Yee
You start to feel like they can’t do anything right. And also you can’t do anything right either, because your parenting strategies aren’t working. So it’s all about on that front end, the positive parenting for kids with ADHD.

00;35;28;23 – 00;35;52;24
Dr. Mona
And it’s so applicable to all children like we talk about, right? I love when I have these conversations, when we’re speaking about a topic that applies to our ADHD families, but positive, right? And you know, Lori, when you were mentioning about the negative cycle that parents can sometimes get into, I started getting teary eyed because that is actually like something I commonly see, whether it’s an ADHD family or not, like using an example of picky eating, right?

00;35;52;27 – 00;36;12;06
Dr. Mona
My kid doesn’t eat anything. I’m like, if we keep saying that we’re never going to eat anything. If you keep saying your child’s a problem child, they’re never going to learn anything like we. Self-serving prophecy is what I call it, right? We’re going to keep feeding that behavior when actually let’s look for the good. Like, let’s look for the good things that you did as a parent, but also the small little things.

00;36;12;06 – 00;36;33;14
Dr. Mona
Maybe your child actually did something that they never did before. And it’s small, but that’s huge. You know, in terms of the positive reinforcement. And, you know, I love what you mentioned also about the giving space, the quiet, you know, sometimes it’s okay to turn your back and say, take your moment. And that is one parenting strategy that I see online about the needing to co regulate all the time.

00;36;33;14 – 00;36;35;08
Dr. Mona
Sitting with them once.

00;36;35;10 – 00;36;35;20
Lori Long
Often.

00;36;35;23 – 00;36;52;27
Dr. Mona
It’s exhausting too. You may not have the mental bandwidth to do it and then you’re going to you’re going to explode and that’s not going to help. Number three, you may have another child in the room and you can’t do that. Number four, you may have something cooking on the on the stove. And I’ve been there right. Like I’ve been there with my three four year old and my toddler.

00;36;53;00 – 00;37;11;28
Dr. Mona
And it’s like, take your time, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, but you just need a moment. That’s an example that you gave in your office that I think is so valuable that it is not a I abandoned my kids situation or that I’m ignoring my child’s feeling. It’s I recognize that you are going through something, but I’m going to give you a moment while I’m over there.

00;37;12;03 – 00;37;29;05
Dr. Mona
I’m here to check in on you. And that is the nuance being lost a lot of the times, because there is no way any parent can co regulate every moment. And from a honestly, from a child perspective, they need to also start to learn that they can handle it on their own, that I’m not going anywhere, but that you can do this like take your moment.

00;37;29;05 – 00;37;43;20
Dr. Mona
And self-regulation is something that we need to teach. But I think parents fall so much deep into this. I’m going to co regulate and I got a Co regulate. And if I don’t co regulate that my kid is not going to listen and you know not understand their feelings. When that’s not the extremes you want to go into.

00;37;43;20 – 00;38;11;04
Lori Long
So and love that. And imagine if your child is tantrum Ming you know you know 20 times a day which many of our families are, how emotionally exhausting that is for you and your child, you know, and oftentimes they can get over those things a lot more quickly when we give them not time to calm. And we don’t, you know, kind of draw ourselves into that.

00;38;11;07 – 00;38;35;09
Lori Long
There are some funny, like, social media, like videos and memes are out. Like I start the morning off, like with, as a gentle parent that I’m screaming at the end of the night. And I think that that’s it’s funny because it’s probably really true where you’re like, I’m investing all this energy, but then it backfires, and then I’m like, losing it at the end of the day because I have nothing left to give because I’ve given so much.

00;38;35;11 – 00;38;51;26
Lori Long
Yeah. So it is definitely a balance and it’s not selfish. Okay. I want families to know this is not selfish to give your self that time. It’s actually important for you to be able to stay calm in those moments and give yourself that.

00;38;51;26 – 00;39;09;06
Dr. Mona
Com this is so amazing. I, I loved it. I love that we were able to talk about our ADHD families, but also the strategies apply to everybody. And you know part of the Stock Talk podcast, I ask my guests what would be their final uplifting message for everyone listening today. So, you know, ending it with a positive note.

00;39;09;06 – 00;39;14;08
Dr. Mona
What would be what you’d want to tell people who are listening in regards to this conversation, or parenting in general?

00;39;14;10 – 00;39;34;26
Lori Long
I would just say, if you’re an ADHD parent listening, you’re doing an amazing job and none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. I know about the negative cycle because I get in it all the time for my kids. When I know I shouldn’t be. You’re doing an awesome job. You are here listening to this podcast because you’re trying to learn more.

00;39;34;28 – 00;39;50;17
Lori Long
You’re you’re doing a lot of things for your child. And we see you, we we know all of that. And we just we want to support you and say, great job. Because I know a lot of times the feedback that you’re getting is maybe the opposite of that.

00;39;50;24 – 00;40;00;23
Dr. Mona
Thank you both so much for joining me today. This was an amazing conversation where can people go to stay connected? Find out about your resources and everything else you all have to offer.

00;40;00;26 – 00;40;25;20
Mallory Yee
A great place to find us is on Instagram at the Childhood Collective. We post almost daily. We also have our own podcast shining with ADHD. We have a blog full of tons of topics that are relevant for ADHD families. Our website is the childhood collective.com. We also have a free guide for parents called Six Keys to Raising a Happy and Independent Child with ADHD.

00;40;25;25 – 00;40;33;06
Mallory Yee
That’s a great place to start if you’re new to us. So we hope that you’ll check us out.

00;40;33;06 – 00;40;48;20
Dr. Mona
Yes, and thank you for coming on today, I love this, I love getting to learn from you all. Like I said, I learned so much from your account as well. So everyone make sure to follow them along. And also I will be attaching all of those resources to the show notes. And again, thank you, Mallory and Lori for joining me today.

00;40;48;20 – 00;40;49;25
Lori Long
Thank you so much.

00;40;49;27 – 00;40;50;29
Mallory Yee
Thank you.

00;40;51;02 – 00;41;17;24
Dr. Mona
Thank you, Laurie and Mallory for this amazing conversation. And as parents, whether your child has ADHD or not, understanding ADHD is key to fostering a world where every child can thrive. For parents of children with ADHD, this knowledge empowers you to support your child’s unique strengths and challenges with confidence and compassion. And for those without ADHD, learning about it helps build a more inclusive and empathetic community where all kids are valued for who they are, not just how they behave or think.

00;41;17;27 – 00;41;37;05
Dr. Mona
Together, we can create environments where every child feels seen, understood and supported to reach their full potential. And if you love this episode, please comment on our real share this episode on your social media channels and leave a review and I’ll catch you all next week where I chat with Alyssa Campbell, founder of seed. And so about decoding tantrums.

00;41;37;05 – 00;41;46;28
Dr. Mona
By understanding your child’s development better, make sure to tune in for this incredible conversation surrounding child development and behavior. Have a great week and stay well.