We’ve all been there: feeling judged about our choices as parents. And maybe, you have dished out judgement too.

On this episode I go over judgement in parenting:

• Why judgement blocks our joy as parents
• Why it’s so hurtful
• The judgement cycle and how to break it
• How to block out and navigate judgmental people in your life

00;00;01;01 – 00;00;26;09

Dr. Mona

One of the biggest issues with judgment is that typically the extreme judger is making assumptions. I’ve mentioned this already and making assumptions is never good. Many times we are seeing pinpoints in a big picture and feel we know everything that we have. That mother figured out, that we have that situation figured out when we actually don’t. Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;00;26;10 – 00;00;50;00

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for tuning in each and every week. The show is consistent a top 50 parenting podcast in the United States, which is a huge feat. And this is largely due to you, your reviews, the way you share this podcast. So let’s continue to help it grow by leaving that love for the show. On this solo episode, I am doing one of my finding Joy conversations.

 

00;00;50;05 – 00;01;08;14

Dr. Mona

And if you have not listened to any of these episodes, I go over things in parenting, especially as a mom because I’m a mom myself that can rob us of our joy. The ups and downs, how to navigate the difficult things, and also just that mindset that we need to approach parenting and find peace amidst all the chaos.

 

00;01;08;17 – 00;01;46;14

Dr. Mona

In this conversation, I am talking about judgment. Oh, we’ve all been there. Judgment in parenthood, especially in motherhood, and why it’s so problematic to our joy and peace. I have definitely been judged. I have definitely judged in the past, and I’ve actually made it a point to curb judgment, even more so as a pediatrician and a mom. A lot of this mind shift and judgment shift happened after Ryan was born, and I want to be very candid here to start off, because maybe you are leaning in towards that more judgmental side of your friends, of people in your life, of strangers.

 

00;01;46;16 – 00;02;14;06

Dr. Mona

And as someone who did have some judgment and has now really realized that it has no purpose in this world with relationships, strangers, it just doesn’t matter and it’s actually unhealthy. I want to offer this perspective to you. I actually judge formula feeders. Can you believe it? And I am a formula feeder for my son. And this judgment actually was taught to me in medical training that formula feeders just gave up on breastfeeding or were lazier.

 

00;02;14;09 – 00;02;42;10

Dr. Mona

Yes. Can you believe this? And then I became a formula feeding mom and I eventually became a staunch supporter, not only a formula for feeding and choice in newborn feeding and understanding the big picture, but also for less judgment for moms. And I felt that judgment, and we’ll get into that. But I judged harshly formula feeders because that was what was taught to me in training.

 

00;02;42;12 – 00;02;49;01

Dr. Mona

That was not right. We are taught that breast is best, that we have to promote breastfeeding. If someone’s not breastfeeding that it tried to it.

 

00;02;49;04 – 00;02;50;13

Dr. Mona

But it’s not the case.

 

00;02;50;16 – 00;03;07;13

Dr. Mona

And I had to undo that. And it took experience. It took me feeling and experience seeing that judgment myself. And that judgment was self-created. Sometimes I’d be like, well, I have to breastfeed. I got to do this. It’s not working, it’s not working. And I put pressure on myself. And it wasn’t a lot of people telling me that you should do this.

 

00;03;07;13 – 00;03;26;19

Dr. Mona

You should do this. It was me. I created a judgmental cycle by judging other people. You’re going to judge yourself as well. And so this episode will talk about judgment. Why it hurts, why it’s more painful coming from people closest to us. And I’ll give you a story of what we can do to stop the spread of judgment and how to block out that judgmental noise.

 

00;03;26;21 – 00;03;50;07

Dr. Mona

I want to start off by saying that there’s no perfect formula for raising kids. Yes, there’s research to support various methods or things, but by and large, people, parents, mothers are making choices they see fit for the resources and information that they have at that time. So when we start to judge other people, we are making assumptions. We are saying, well, you should know this and why don’t you do this?

 

00;03;50;07 – 00;04;10;07

Dr. Mona

And I can’t believe you do that, and I would never do that. Such hurtful commentary, such hurtful compassion that is lacking and judgment exists everywhere from the moment that you’re pregnant. Why are you eating that? Don’t you know better? You’re having a C-section. Why aren’t you getting an epidural? What are you trying to prove? Why aren’t you breastfeeding?

 

00;04;10;07 – 00;04;11;29

Dr. Mona

Why don’t you just formula feed?

 

00;04;12;02 – 00;04;13;16

Dr. Mona

Why are you doing Cory’s baby?

 

00;04;13;20 – 00;04;33;18

Dr. Mona

Weaning is so much better. Why are you baby led? Weaning? They’re too young for food. You sleep trained? I would never you co-sleep. How negligent. You don’t home cook your food. Oh, you got takeout. Your kids eat that every day. It goes on and on and on. And frankly, it’s draining.

 

00;04;33;21 – 00;04;33;25

Dr. Mona

The.

 

00;04;33;25 – 00;04;53;13

Dr. Mona

Commentary and the judgment. And I have a social media presence. You guys all know that I’m on Instagram, TikTok. YouTube did it up. I am putting myself out there. And part of that is getting comfortable with judgment. But it doesn’t take away the fact that judgment really sucks, whether it’s from someone you love, whether it’s from a stranger.

 

00;04;53;20 – 00;05;13;05

Dr. Mona

No one likes that feeling of judgment because it’s not filled with love. It’s not coming from a place of compassion and understanding. It’s really from a place of fear, hatred, anger, which are not really good feelings. And listen, we’re all guilty of it. I know you are listening to this right now and have judged another mother, or maybe another father or someone else in your life.

 

00;05;13;05 – 00;05;30;08

Dr. Mona

I know it’s true. You can deny it all you want, but we are all human beings and judgment is a part of being a human being. But we can control it. We can say, I refuse to do this and I will not do it again. And an example. You see a way a child is being disciplined and think, oh, I would never do that, I would never.

 

00;05;30;12 – 00;05;51;20

Dr. Mona

You see a mother cave and give a candy to a toddler in a store and think, but that won’t teach them. I still remember when, before I became a mom and I would travel, and I would love to see how parents interact with their children. It’s always been something very fascinating to me, and I remember being in an airport and watching a mom handle a tantrum in the airport, and she just gave her child some space.

 

00;05;51;26 – 00;06;12;21

Dr. Mona

The child was on the floor crying, and the mom was just sitting on the chair reading her book, talking to the kid and saying, take your time. And I was like, that is awesome. Great job mom. I would look at how other people are looking. You could see the annoyed faces of all the people who are judging that mom, thinking that they know better in that moment, thinking that oh, why is that mom letting her cry?

 

00;06;12;24 – 00;06;33;17

Dr. Mona

Again, we’ll get into the assumptions that people make in judgment, but we all have been there. We’ve all been judged or we all have judged. And judgment in general is a two way street. If you dish out judgment, you’re likely to get it in return from others. Also, if you judge others, you are more likely to judge yourself too.

 

00;06;33;18 – 00;06;48;05

Dr. Mona

When you make a mistake or want to pivot in a decision using my example of formula feeding versus breastfeeding, that pitting versus it could be both. But when you judge other people and you find yourself in that person’s.

 

00;06;48;05 – 00;06;48;26

Dr. Mona

Shoes.

 

00;06;48;28 – 00;07;14;29

Dr. Mona

You’re going to feel it. I saw remember, a person I know is a very judgmental person. Okay, I’m not going to name names here, but very judgmental even to this day, could really curb judgment. And she would judge other parents all the time. And I would be in that conversation. I’d be like trying to block it out. And then something happened to her child where her child got injured and the amount of self shame and judgment she put on herself was really hard to see.

 

00;07;15;01 – 00;07;32;10

Dr. Mona

And she created that from that pitting of I judge others. And so now when something happens to me, whether it’s an accident or intentional, I’m going to judge myself. So remember that judgment is a two way street. We do not want to dish out this type of energy because I’m telling you, the universe will give it back to you.

 

00;07;32;12 – 00;07;57;27

Dr. Mona

And so we’ll get into how to do that and how to avoid the judgmental cycle. And like I mentioned, judgments in general are normal human thoughts, but they can show up as glances that are judgmental. Hey mother in law mom tone changes you don’t intend or lack of support and more. I wouldn’t do that. Or I can’t believe you would do that, which is really not helpful to a fellow parent, especially as women.

 

00;07;57;27 – 00;08;19;12

Dr. Mona

I know a lot of women are listening to the show, and I want to really say that we can really create more connection and compassion if we drop the judgmental thoughts, commentary, looks and just really remember that people are on their different journey and we can ask if they need help with something, if they’re concerned, but we don’t have to judge them based on what we’re seeing in a moment.

 

00;08;19;19 – 00;08;40;14

Dr. Mona

I have also found through my experience that again, there is going to be different levels of judgment, maybe experience once occasional it got better, but that repetitive judger that person in your life. And let’s use a fellow mom that repetitive, judgmental woman, whether it be a mom or whatever, whether they’re judging you about things that you’re doing in motherhood or whatnot.

 

00;08;40;17 – 00;09;01;01

Dr. Mona

These women tend to be the less confident or have something to prove. And it goes for women. Men, it doesn’t matter. The more judgmental you are, the likelihood of you being insecure about something is very high. And in many ways, I feel compassion for these people because I know they will feel hard judgment in return. Because like I said, it’s a two way street.

 

00;09;01;04 – 00;09;29;23

Dr. Mona

I also know that when there are constant judges, there is some healing or something lacking in their life that they feel the need to constantly judge, make their comments heard, make it become, or they’re keyboard warriors. So people have asked like, how do you block out all that negativity on social? One is, I’ve hired a team that helps me with commentary and DMs and blocking things and deleting people who are really mean, but a lot of it is some stuff I still see and I have to remember two things.

 

00;09;29;25 – 00;09;48;04

Dr. Mona

One, they are only looking at one moment, one post. They don’t have any idea who I am, what kind of mother I am. They’re just making an assumption and looking at a point in time, and also the fact that they feel the need to use harsh language. And again, there’s a difference between disagreeing or being nasty about it.

 

00;09;48;06 – 00;10;07;14

Dr. Mona

I have realized that they need some healing, and in a way, it just brings me peace that I know that it’s not me. I’m doing what I know to be true. I’m doing what I know to feel important. I’m confident about my decisions, and I can’t control how other people perceive it. I can only control my own reaction and remember you just judgment.

 

00;10;07;19 – 00;10;32;27

Dr. Mona

You’re more likely to get it back in the way that you’ve dished it. Of course, judgment can happen even if you’re not dishing it, but it is worse and can feel worse because of that two way street and that insecurity is there. When you are unhappy with yourself, you’re more likely to say, well, I’m better than her. I’m doing things better and you end up doing this stratification of I’m better, you’re worse, you’re better, I’m worse.

 

00;10;32;27 – 00;11;04;23

Dr. Mona

And that is not a healthy way to mother. That is not a healthy way to parent. And there’s not a healthy way to live life. We shouldn’t be looking at other people’s decisions as I’m better. I’m worse because you’re going to find yourself at some point in your life where the shoes on the other foot, where you’re feeling like things are not going right and you’ve judged so deeply in your life, and now you’re feeling judged because you can’t control everything in your life, and you may find yourself in those same positions that you’re judging other people or in similar situations.

 

00;11;04;25 – 00;11;24;16

Dr. Mona

When you are truly happy with yourself, you don’t have the time or space to judge others and sit there and become keyboard warriors or sit there and just really just talk nastiness about other women. And again, what point does that serve to just speak about other people in such a negative way? You’re not worried about the comparison game.

 

00;11;24;16 – 00;11;46;16

Dr. Mona

You’re not worried about what other people say, and you’re not sizing up every mother compared to you when you are happy with yourself. You also probably have a strong degree of self-compassion and compassion in general, looking at differences and saying, yes, it’s different. Is it something that I would do? No, but that is okay. It’s okay to be different.

 

00;11;46;19 – 00;12;06;26

Dr. Mona

They’re not better than me. I’m not better than them. We are making different choices. Looking at sleep. Oh gosh. Like sleep is one of those areas of parenting that gets so much judgment. I mean, on social media for me, I know you’ve been there and it’s hurtful, okay? And so much nastiness comes out of it. I can’t believe you sleep train.

 

00;12;06;26 – 00;12;29;01

Dr. Mona

I can’t believe you’re co-sleeping. Da da da da da. These are all differences. I’m a pediatrician, and I do encourage sleep training for families who want to do it. But I know it’s not for every family. And I also know that there’s not one method and one size fits all for sleep training. As much as I don’t talk about co-sleeping a lot in social media, and my practice, I have to say I know culturally it happens.

 

00;12;29;06 – 00;12;55;14

Dr. Mona

So I do have intimate conversations with families in my office about safe co-sleeping, the risks of it, all of that. But I don’t judge those parents. I don’t sit there and get on my high horse and think, I can’t believe that you would do this and sleep next to your child as an infant. How negligent. And I have heard these conversations from pediatricians, from people on social where you’re educating not with compassion and understanding, you’re educating with judgment.

 

00;12;55;17 – 00;13;21;01

Dr. Mona

And it’s very hurtful. And by the way, it’s not going to go anywhere if you are listening to me or consuming my resources. And I basically say, you’re a terrible parent for doing this, you’re terrible parent for not vaccinating your terrible parent for co-sleeping. You’re terrible, terrible, terrible. How could you? I would never. I’m telling you right now, you’re probably not going to listen to anything I have to say, because why would we listen to judgmental people, especially when we need guidance and help?

 

00;13;21;03 – 00;13;49;19

Dr. Mona

I rather have a conversation with the family. Let’s use the vaccines example if they’re against vaccination, I am pro-vaccine, but if they’re against vaccination, rather than saying I can’t believe this Dudududu, duh, I’m going to say tell me what your concerns are. What is it that is concerning you about vaccination? Let’s have a conversation. And unfortunately, in the health care aspect of medicine and pediatrics, many of us do not have the time to have these conversations because of insurance reimbursement and short visit times.

 

00;13;49;19 – 00;14;10;24

Dr. Mona

But I can tell you myself, a lot of my colleagues want to have these conversations. If they’re not, it’s because of time constraints. But these conversations, these non-judgmental conversations is how we can really open up those lines of communication and really help parents feel seen. And it goes back to understanding that people may have different choices that they make.

 

00;14;11;00 – 00;14;31;20

Dr. Mona

But our role as educators, if you’re an educator or our role if we’re a mother and just talking with another mother, is being there for compassion and support and offering guidance, if they want it or need it. And that is what this is all about. One of the biggest issues with judgment is that typically the extreme judger is making assumptions.

 

00;14;31;21 – 00;14;47;08

Dr. Mona

I’ve mentioned this already and making assumptions is never good. Many times we are seeing pinpoints in a big picture and feel we know everything that we have. That mother figured out, that we have that situation figured out when we actually.

 

00;14;47;13 – 00;14;48;08

Dr. Mona

Don’t.

 

00;14;48;11 – 00;15;06;17

Dr. Mona

Take a mother taking her kid to a playground. The kid plays and she’s on the phone immediately, right? She drops off her child to the playground and she gets on her phone. Someone walking by or looking on, or maybe on social media will judge and say why she on her phone? Why is she not watching her kid? Oh poor kid.

 

00;15;06;17 – 00;15;26;07

Dr. Mona

His mom is so not attentive. Why is she not playing with her kid? I would never do that. Judgmental. Judgmental. Judgmental. Judgmental. Judgmental. Maybe, just maybe, you are catching that mother in a point in time. You do not know what led up to that moment, and you do not know what’s going on in that mom’s mind. Nor do you know what’s going to happen after.

 

00;15;26;09 – 00;15;49;13

Dr. Mona

Maybe, just maybe, she has to be on the phone to make a doctor’s appointment for herself or her child. Maybe she spent the entire morning with the child one on one. And this is independent playtime. Maybe she’s tired and needs a break. Maybe she’s an active and involved mother and you are only seeing a moment. By and large, so much of judgment is assumption.

 

00;15;49;15 – 00;16;22;28

Dr. Mona

You see someone doing something in a moment and make an assumption. You have her and her mothering all figured out when you don’t. And this happens on social media all the time, you are following someone, or maybe something came up on your explore page and you think, oh my gosh, I would never do that. But do you really know what’s been happening in that person’s life before that 22nd real before that 22nd post, do you really know that person or are you making an assumption and likelihood is that we are making assumptions that we have someone all figured out.

 

00;16;23;00 – 00;16;40;13

Dr. Mona

I still remember I had shared a real in the past, like this was a couple years ago about us traveling with our son Ryan, and we didn’t take a car seat on the airplane, which, by the way, isn’t legally required to. I think it’s a great thing if families want to do it. Absolutely. It helps with turbulence. It can help give them like a more comfortable space.

 

00;16;40;15 – 00;17;08;08

Dr. Mona

But I also believe parents can be educated on okay, take the car seat, not take the car seat. What is the risk and benefit of that? And also, you know, understanding that you have to buy an extra seat. All of that stuff. I respect that I understand the nuance. I remember sharing this real about traveling with a toddler on my social media, and the amount of judgmental comments I got from safety experts to the extreme, like people who understand car seat safety or whatever was absolutely atrocious.

 

00;17;08;10 – 00;17;31;01

Dr. Mona

People making assumptions that so you didn’t have a car seat at your destination. I doubt that you installed that car seat correctly. Like making assumptions that they think that I didn’t understand or do anything correctly when they just saw one point in time, and that is how judgment is hurtful. We are looking at something and making a story about that person, especially about another woman.

 

00;17;31;03 – 00;17;50;14

Dr. Mona

Based on what we’re seeing for 20 30s if you’re in a store and you see a mom respond differently than you would in a tantrum, you think you have that mother all figured out and you pass judgment on her. When can I say you all use a lot more compassion? Judgment also makes us, as parents, do things that we wouldn’t normally do out of fear of judgment.

 

00;17;50;17 – 00;18;06;02

Dr. Mona

So you’re at a store and your child is surprise, surprise. Throwing a tantrum because children will throw public tantrums. Typically you wait it out while they cry, right? This is what you’ve done at home. You let them have their moment. Maybe you give them a hug, but you just give them some space. That’s something that we do a lot of.

 

00;18;06;05 – 00;18;23;11

Dr. Mona

But now in this public tantrum, you have ten sets of eyes staring you down. Oh, what’s going on? Why is that kid upset? Why is that mom not doing anything? And I know we can all feel the dagger of judgmental eyes. So instead of waiting it out, which I think is wonderful, you get flustered and yell at your kid.

 

00;18;23;13 – 00;18;43;27

Dr. Mona

Wait, what? You never yell at your kid, but your triggered. Why are you triggered right now? Because maybe you’re in a rush. Or maybe you feel the dagger of Judgment. Maybe you feel that by yelling and being firm strangers and the judgy eyes will feel like, okay, that that mother’s doing something, but we know that yelling is never the answer.

 

00;18;43;29 – 00;19;02;12

Dr. Mona

So what happened here? You swayed your action because of the fear and pressure of judgment. Similar to me telling you that story of that mom at the airport, how she just gave that child space. I was sitting there so happy. I’m like, great mom, like you. Do you like that’s great. Do what you want to do, right? Do it.

 

00;19;02;14 – 00;19;21;28

Dr. Mona

And I know that she was feeling the dagger of judgmental eyes, and she learned to block that out. And that’s what I want all of you to learn, to block it out. As long as you know that you are doing what you feel is best for your child, we’re going to block that out. So yes, judgment impacts us all and it’s very hurtful, especially from those closest to us.

 

00;19;22;00 – 00;19;47;03

Dr. Mona

I want to tell you a little story that was very hurtful, and I have learned to be compassionate. I have learned to drop judgment for others. And, you know, that cycle that I mentioned. But even then, you’re still going to face judgmental commentary from others. So just because I said that judgment is a two way street, it can be a one way street to where sometimes you are trying your best not to be judgmental, but you still experienced the daggers, those eyes that just keep looking at you or the comments.

 

00;19;47;06 – 00;20;06;01

Dr. Mona

So this is a story that happened during Christmas time. We went home to visit my family and Ryan was approaching three and he was having some really big feelings. He was becoming a three year old, asserting control, autonomy and with travel and the fact that he was turning three, he was having way more meltdowns than he normally does.

 

00;20;06;04 – 00;20;33;29

Dr. Mona

I was also in my first trimester of pregnancy, and I’ll be honest, I had very little patience. I was irritable, hormonal, tired, fatigued, all of that first trimester jazz. And I think that also impacted his mood. And it was like a cycle. And it was really hard. We went on this trip, we saw a lot of people, but the over scheduling of activities, all the things that we’re doing and the fact that he was developmentally approaching three and we were traveling, sleep, everything was different.

 

00;20;34;01 – 00;20;55;26

Dr. Mona

It caused way more meltdowns. And also when he’s around grandparents, whether it’s my parents or my in-laws, he tends to test a lot of boundaries. A lot of children will do this. And so meal times, whether it’s with my in-laws or my parents, become this power struggle because they don’t follow a lot of the things that we want to do, which is let him see what he wants, feel his belly, don’t pressure him.

 

00;20;55;26 – 00;21;14;24

Dr. Mona

Don’t pull him back to the table. Don’t bribe him and they do it all. I’ll give you cookies. I’ll give you this. I’ll give you sweets. He understands that. Hey, I don’t have to do this. I’m just going to try to get what I want. And so there was a situation on Christmas Eve where we got this amazing takeout dinner, and we’re eating the takeout, and Ryan is not having it.

 

00;21;15;01 – 00;21;37;23

Dr. Mona

He didn’t want the samosas. He loves them most. He didn’t want the paneer and spinach. He loves all that. And he was just crying and throwing a tantrum during the meal. And it was loud. And my husband and I did what we normally did. We didn’t sway, even though I could feel the judgmental eyes from my father especially, and we let him have his feeling, we said, hey sweetie, I know you really don’t want this, but this is what’s for dinner.

 

00;21;37;28 – 00;21;56;05

Dr. Mona

You can join us when you’re ready and we stay very calm. We connect with him, but we also just give him space. And then my dad lost it. He started yelling and screaming. And I’ve talked about this on past episodes, but my dad has anger issues from childhood, things that have really affected me, and things that I’m trying to switch in terms of how I parent.

 

00;21;56;05 – 00;22;14;10

Dr. Mona

Ryan and he went off on judging us. My husband and I, as parents, you have no control over your child. How can you let him cry during a meal time? This is so inconvenient. I don’t want to hear it. This is really hard for us to hear this during meals. How do you as parents not have control over your kid?

 

00;22;14;17 – 00;22;20;24

Dr. Mona

How do you not know what he likes to eat? And I just paused and I said, dad.

 

00;22;20;27 – 00;22;22;15

Dr. Mona

He’s three.

 

00;22;22;17 – 00;22;42;12

Dr. Mona

He likes one thing one day and another thing another day. We are very, very confident in how we parent him and this is how we’re parenting. And I talked to him once. My husband took Ryan out of the room. Once we calmed down, the energy and the anger and I explained to him how hurtful that comment was, and he sat there.

 

00;22;42;12 – 00;23;03;27

Dr. Mona

He didn’t say anything, which he does when he knows he’s in a wrong. And I said, dad, we know our son. We know the situation may not be what you did. It may not be what you like, but I want you to trust us. And this is what I need right now. And this is so important for us to have this experience, because not only do I see my dad react to something he disagrees with, but he was judging us.

 

00;23;04;04 – 00;23;23;10

Dr. Mona

He called my husband out and myself out on not having control, quote unquote, on our kid. He said that we should know better. These are all judgmental comments, and by having that happen, I talked to my dad in a calm manner. I explained to him how it was hurtful, what I need him to trust us for, and also how it may be different.

 

00;23;23;15 – 00;23;43;08

Dr. Mona

But I also want him to understand that it works for us. It works for Ryan, and he is a great eater because of what we do. And although he may parent different, and although I may not like the way he parented, it’s different and I need him to understand that. And he does. You know, obviously we haven’t had an experience again like this, but it’s also about creating boundaries.

 

00;23;43;10 – 00;23;59;06

Dr. Mona

My husband and I talk because it was very hard for us to hear the yelling and the judgmental comments. And Ryan also was like, wow, why is my grandfather yelling? And that was really hard for us. And after my husband and I had a long conversation about boundary setting with my dad, are we going to allow him to be in the house?

 

00;23;59;06 – 00;24;14;10

Dr. Mona

When he yelled and called us names and said that we were terrible parents, what are our boundaries going to be? And we decided that yes, of course, we can create a relationship with my father. And as long as he’s understands that this is not something that can happen again, if it does, we have to have another revisit of the boundaries here.

 

00;24;14;10 – 00;24;28;09

Dr. Mona

But he needs to understand that that was not okay, and that was important for me to tell him. And I’ll get into why that’s important for you to do if you ever find yourself with judgment, especially from a loved one, and that story was really important for me to tell, because I want you to know that I experienced it.

 

00;24;28;09 – 00;24;50;23

Dr. Mona

I experienced it on social media. I experienced judgment from loved ones, I experienced it, we all do. And it hurts. Even though I am confident in the choices that we make for Ryan, even though I’m confident in the choices that we’re navigating and maybe for our future child, I also know that it’s going to happen. People are going to have assumptions, opinions that may not match what you’re feeling and may hurt.

 

00;24;51;01 – 00;25;11;24

Dr. Mona

And I’ve been there. And then we deal with the judgment within groups, right? Judgment within specialized groups like Crunchy Moms or Safe Sleep Moms, crunchy moms judging others who are not as crunchy as them, safe sleep moms judging others who may tweak some rules. It’s like this unhealthy one upping and judgment where it just leaves people feeling unsupported and kind of crappy.

 

00;25;11;24 – 00;25;36;05

Dr. Mona

And I’m just asking us to stop, step back and really ask yourself what is this commentary serving? So I have three messages. One is for those who have been judged or feeling judgment. We’ve all been there. Maybe you’re there right now and you’re really struggling. The others to the judge who’s out there, maybe it’s you, maybe it’s a loved one that you can share this episode with, and maybe you don’t recognize that it’s what you’re doing and the others to everyone.

 

00;25;36;08 – 00;25;55;24

Dr. Mona

So to those feeling judged, I want to remind you that those who are judging you are likely insecure with their own life, their own parenting, or being triggered by something that is not about you. I’m using the example of my father. My father was feeling triggered because he’s not comfortable with crying and that is his insecurities, his parenting that has no reflection on us.

 

00;25;55;24 – 00;26;13;14

Dr. Mona

My husband and I, of course, we don’t like to hear our son cry, but we also know that he’s having a moment and that we offered him food and that he can have a mealtime tantrum, and that we love him and that will connect with him. So that was not on us. That was on my father and his reservation is it’s not about you, it’s about them.

 

00;26;13;16 – 00;26;37;24

Dr. Mona

You are in their wrath, in their irritability, in their insecurities. You have to create boundaries. If this is someone regularly in your life and I did that with my father, if it’s your partner who’s the judgmental one, you have to communicate your needs or see a marriage counselor. You do not deserve to be harshly judged to feel like you’re walking on eggshells is probably one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced, and I don’t want that for you.

 

00;26;37;26 – 00;26;59;04

Dr. Mona

There is no place for joy in parenting when you’re feeling judged constantly. I’ve had to create boundaries with other loved ones too, that literally every time I see them, it’s constant judgment. It’s constant negativity. I’m like, wow, how can I just be the person I want to be when everything I do is constantly being judged? When I know that what I’m doing makes sense for our family.

 

00;26;59;06 – 00;27;15;08

Dr. Mona

So you have to create those boundaries. It’s important to tune out the judgy comments that sprinkle into your life, and especially important from strangers. I have learned this from being a presence on social media and being judged about pretty much everything I do. Yep, it sucks, but it’s a reality that you can’t control what everyone else is saying.

 

00;27;15;10 – 00;27;38;15

Dr. Mona

You as a social media presence, I post what I want and then I have to understand that not everyone’s going to like it. I have to understand that people are mean, and I block and delete people who are being really nasty. So focus on your parenting goals. Focus on your child. Focus on if this makes sense to you and if this brings you peace, and if you like what you’re doing, focus on the things that make sense for you.

 

00;27;38;17 – 00;27;57;21

Dr. Mona

Focus on the fact that those people who are making judgments about you are making assumptions and are not in your life with your resources and information that you have. They are making points of you based on moments in time. When dealing with judgment, you have a few options. First, let it go in one ear and out the other.

 

00;27;57;24 – 00;28;26;04

Dr. Mona

This can be hard, especially when it’s someone who’s constantly giving you judgments. That’s why I said you have to create boundaries that make sense, but literally one ear out the other. Imagine that you have this metaphorical bucket in front of you. If you need to imagine that you’re putting what that person is saying into the bucket and then pretend to flush it, leave that room and go flush it down the toilet, you’re not actually flushing anything, but don’t let that comment overtake you in one ear, out the other, or pretend to flush it down the toilet.

 

00;28;26;10 – 00;28;43;01

Dr. Mona

It doesn’t matter. It was said that person has no control over your life and how you parent number two, you got to discuss boundaries and how this made you feel. I did this with my father. This may be something that you’re uncomfortable with, but I think it’s important, especially if this person is someone that is in your life on a regular basis, and especially if it’s a partner.

 

00;28;43;05 – 00;29;03;11

Dr. Mona

You got to discuss it and you got to get help. If that person is not willing to change number three, you don’t dish it back. It’s so easy when we’re feeling judgment to say something back out of anger or out of retaliation. And I’ve already mentioned that that cycle of judgment, it serves no purpose. I get it that these comments are hurtful, but I don’t like meeting hurt with hurt.

 

00;29;03;18 – 00;29;20;23

Dr. Mona

I like meeting hurt with compassion, whether that’s self-compassion or compassion for the other person. So like I said, when I get hurtful comments on social media, it hurts one ear out the other. I take a breath. I say, this really sucks. I don’t like hearing it. But then I also have compassion in my head. I say I wish you well.

 

00;29;20;27 – 00;29;34;23

Dr. Mona

I think you need some healing. I don’t tell them they don’t need to hear that and that probably trigger them more. I hope you get some healing. I hope you figure out what you need, but this is not worth my time to have a battle with you on social media. Number four, think about your kid and what you want to model.

 

00;29;34;25 – 00;29;52;08

Dr. Mona

When that happened with my son, my husband, and Ryan, I was emotional. I got upset because I’m like, wow. My dad was yelling in front of my son, called me and my husband. Horrible parents basically. And it hurt and I cried. And even Ryan remembered, oh, mommy cried. And that his grandfather made me cry. And that was very hard for us.

 

00;29;52;16 – 00;30;05;06

Dr. Mona

And at that moment I thought about, what do I want to teach Ryan? Do I want to teach him that? I yell back at my father that I get angry, stop my feet. No, that’s what I used to do as a kid, because that’s what I learned from my father. But I’m not going to do that right now.

 

00;30;05;09 – 00;30;22;08

Dr. Mona

I’m going to model standing up for myself in a calm, coherent manner. Emotional regulation. And he wasn’t there when I talked to my father in a calm manner. But I can tell you that it felt good knowing that I can teach him that. That’s how we deal with conflict resolution, and I know that I’m going to teach him that.

 

00;30;22;10 – 00;30;39;29

Dr. Mona

So whenever you’re feeling like you want to dish it back, whenever you’re feeling like, I can’t handle this, I want you to think about the kid, think about your child and what you want to model and teach them. And I want you to really channel that with kindness and compassion. And it can feel hard. And if it’s so hard that you can’t do it, I’m telling you, you got to create boundaries.

 

00;30;40;02 – 00;31;01;07

Dr. Mona

You got to create boundaries so that you are not falling into the cycle where you’re just letting that person judge, judge, judge, physical distance, emotional distance, don’t actively reach out and hang out with that person. It’s really important that you just don’t feel you have to be surrounding yourself. A judgment to those who are judges, especially your perpetual judges.

 

00;31;01;09 – 00;31;23;26

Dr. Mona

I really need you to self-reflect and ask yourself, what assumptions am I making here? Do I know the big picture? You likely don’t, even if the assumptions may hold some truth because you see repeat repetition. Repetitive behavior. How can I be kinder with my words towards this fellow parent mom or person? What point is this judgment playing? Is me having judgment, adding anything to the life of my life into that person’s life?

 

00;31;23;26 – 00;31;48;00

Dr. Mona

Probably not. What are my insecurities that have me feeling this way about this person or mom? Unfortunately, the deepest judges need the most work and I hope if you’re listening to this and you are a perpetual judger, you do the work to bring more compassion because frankly, we need more of it. As moms, if you truly love the person that you’re with, whether it’s a partner or your best friend, whatever it is, you need to love them without judgment.

 

00;31;48;02 – 00;32;03;29

Dr. Mona

You need to have compassion for them and understanding and apologize if you met a decision they made with judgment. And I’ve been there. Like I said, I used to be very judgmental. Well, not very well. That’s a very drastic term. I used to be judgmental, and I’ve gotten way better at it because of my own experiences and how I see moms talk to moms.

 

00;32;03;29 – 00;32;16;13

Dr. Mona

I’m like, I don’t want to be a part of this problem, and it’s okay to apologize and say, hey, look, you know, I said something to you, and I want you to know that I don’t think it came off the right way. And if it did, it was wrong. And I want you to know that I’m there for you if you ever need help.

 

00;32;16;15 – 00;32;36;20

Dr. Mona

Nobody wants to be around a judgy person on a regular basis. It makes us feel incompetent, and it makes us feel worse about our mothering when we really need uplifting, realistic support. And to everyone you know, judgment doesn’t feel good. We are all trying our best. And yes, sometimes we want to learn, but not from someone who’s judging us.

 

00;32;36;22 – 00;32;39;19

Dr. Mona

Asking, is this something you want to talk about?

 

00;32;39;19 – 00;32;40;25

Dr. Mona

Versus oh.

 

00;32;40;25 – 00;33;01;05

Dr. Mona

I can’t believe you would do that. One thing opens up conversations. The first comment while the other is filled with judgment. Do you think your friend is going to want to talk to you if you say, I can’t believe you do that! Stop blocking progress with a friend, stop blogging education, stop blocking all of this stuff by saying judgmental comments.

 

00;33;01;07 – 00;33;27;05

Dr. Mona

Number two nobody is going to parent like you. Parenting and mothering is about making the best choices for our families, knowing the information we know and also understand our resources. And I’ve really understood this as I became a mom, as I’ve navigated my pediatrician journey, that no two families are alike and it’s so important to remember that. Because like I said, when we look at a moment and we pass assumptions there, we are thinking that that person is exactly like us.

 

00;33;27;05 – 00;33;29;27

Dr. Mona

They have the same information and same resources as us.

 

00;33;30;04 – 00;33;31;04

Dr. Mona

But they don’t.

 

00;33;31;06 – 00;33;52;09

Dr. Mona

And we have to respect that. Every family, every mother is unique and they all have different resources and information to back up their experience. And lastly, spread more compassion when you find your face warping into judgment at a mom stranger in public, imagine how that would make you feel if you turned and saw your face that you’re making.

 

00;33;52;12 – 00;34;12;12

Dr. Mona

How does it make you feel? Likely not so great. Change that face to compassion. Ask the mom later if she needs something. Hey, I want you to know that I saw that. I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve been there. Compassion. We all have experienced tough situations, and even if it’s not the same situation, you can have compassion and camaraderie.

 

00;34;12;14 – 00;34;30;08

Dr. Mona

Remind that mom, she’s doing incredible. Because wouldn’t you want that? Treat people how you would want to be treated in a vulnerable state, in a high emotion state? I can tell you it’s going to make the world a better place, and it’s going to make this motherhood dynamic that we have so much better. I see so much of this.

 

00;34;30;08 – 00;34;48;05

Dr. Mona

I see and hear from patients in my office, their moms, and also on social how we just can’t have real relationships with other women because of the negativity and judgment that exists, and also the comparison game, which is a whole other conversation. And I’m trying to undo that with these episodes. I really want us to change the way we talk to each other.

 

00;34;48;07 – 00;35;13;22

Dr. Mona

I do believe the world, especially our motherhood community, can be better with less judgment. Are we entitled to our beliefs and choices? Yes. This is not saying that you can’t make your choices, but judgment and holding back reminds us that although we have our beliefs and choices, we can look at another mother or parent or another person and say, my choices may be different, but my choices don’t make me any better or worse than you and vice versa.

 

00;35;13;24 – 00;35;38;12

Dr. Mona

Spread that compassion and stop spreading the judgment. I hope you love this episode. It was so important for me to make this episode and if it resonated with you, you have to share it on social media. Remember that this is how people learn about the podcast, so share it on your stories. Tag me happy talk. DM me. I want to hear how much these episodes resonate with you, because I love this podcast and I want to continue to make it grow with all these amazing conversations and episodes for you.

 

00;35;38;14 – 00;35;58;07

Dr. Mona

As always, leave that review like I mentioned and I will be back next week with another episode. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel PedsDocTalk TV.

 

00;35;58;09 – 00;35;59;10

Dr. Mona

We’ll talk to you soon.