Timeouts have become one of the most misunderstood discipline tools in modern parenting conversations. In this episode, we unpack why timeouts are being labeled as harmful online and how that claim does not match decades of research. The real issue is not that timeouts damage attachment, but that many parents were never taught how to use them correctly. When done properly, a timeout is not punishment or shame. It is a structured pause that helps a child and parent calm down so learning can actually happen.

We also talk about discipline as a layered system, not a single tactic. Timeouts are only one small part of a bigger parenting framework built on connection, attention, praise, and natural consequences. The conversation highlights nuance, temperament differences, and why no single method works for every child. Instead of vilifying tools, we focus on using them thoughtfully, consistently, and in ways that support regulation and growth.

What we discussed:

• Why timeouts are being criticized in gentle parenting spaces

• Claims about attachment damage and trauma, and what research actually shows

• The difference between punitive timeouts and regulatory timeouts

• Why most parents are never taught how to use timeouts correctly

• Discipline as teaching, not shaming

• The discipline pyramid and where timeouts fit

• The foundation of connection and one-on-one attention

• Catching positive behavior with praise and rewards

• Using natural and logical consequences

• Why timeouts are a last-tier tool, not a first response

• Temperament differences and individualized discipline

• Neurodivergent children and why some tools matter more

• Evidence-based parenting programs that include timeouts

• Situations where timeouts are appropriate, like safety concerns

• Situations where timeouts are not helpful, like full meltdown tantrums

• The importance of calming the nervous system before teaching

• Avoiding threats, shame, and over-talking during discipline

• Giving children space when they need separation to regulate

• Why parenting tools should expand, not shrink

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00;00;00;01 – 00;00;26;14

Dr. Mona

Hey everyone, it’s Doctor Mona and this is the follow up. Where we revisit a favorite podcast moment on the PedsDocTalk podcast in less time than it takes your child to calm their body after being told no. Today’s clip is from a conversation that sparked a lot of discussion in the parenting world. Time outs. They get a bad rap online, but when used correctly, they can be one tool in a larger discipline approach.

 

00;00;26;14 – 00;00;48;06

Dr. Mona

Now it is not my first choice for discipline, but it is an option. And what I’ve noticed is that so many parents do it incorrectly and that is why it’s not effective. I’m joined by Doctor Jenica Engler, developmental neuropsychologist, clinical scientist, and mom. We talk about why time outs are so controversial, when they actually can help, when not to use them, and how parents often misuse them.

 

00;00;48;13 – 00;01;09;17

Dr. Mona

I’m rereleasing this episode because it continues to resonate with families, and honestly, because I’m in the middle of writing my first book where I’m digging into some of the most debated yes, parenting strategies and time outs are definitely one of them. Stay tuned for more on that, and make sure you’re on my newsletter list through the link in bio so you don’t miss what’s coming next on Pizza Stock Talk.

 

00;01;09;19 – 00;01;29;08

Dr. Mona

If this episode helps you download it, download the full episode, follow and subscribe to the show and tag at the Pizza Doc Talk podcast and at Doctor Jenica Gen ICA, so we know you’re listening. Let’s jump into this follow up.

 

00;01;29;11 – 00;01;37;14

Dr. Mona

So what is the deal with time outs? What have you heard about why they’re ruining our children? And then let’s talk about why they’re actually not.

 

00;01;37;16 – 00;02;13;14

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Sure. So with the more recent gentle parenting movement, there has been vilification really, of time outs as, they are being really vilified for quote unquote, ruining attachment or quote unquote causing trauma. That’s like all these things that there is absolutely no evidence that points to any of this. In fact, all of the research, which is we have decades and hundreds and hundreds of studies show the exact opposite, but it sort of doesn’t feel good for a lot of parents to put their kids in timeout sometimes.

 

00;02;13;16 – 00;02;35;04

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Yeah, I think a lot of folks sort of look at it as essentially crying it out. But instead of for sleep training, your behavior training. Right, right. And so I think it goes hand in hand with the backlash against sort of cried out on sleep training, where, you know now that everything needs to be validated and acknowledged and everything is about connecting with your kid and anything that goes wrong.

 

00;02;35;04 – 00;03;04;13

Dr. Jenicka Engler

You have to have more connection sets with gentle parenting and conscious and respectful parenting. I’ll say, you know, timeout is really being vilified as like, well, we only used that because we were trying to get people to stop beating their kids. And it’s like, okay, it’s like, this is a bit extreme, right? Yeah. Yes. Use of timeouts, certainly, along with other positive parenting techniques, sort of emerged as a way to promote parents not to use yelling or corporal punishment.

 

00;03;04;16 – 00;03;23;11

Dr. Jenicka Engler

It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re not effective and that they’re not safe. Studies have shown that most parents who are using timeouts are not doing it correctly. So I think that’s also the other problem is that timeouts in general are getting a bad rap, because there are so many folks who actually don’t know how to do a timeout properly.

 

00;03;23;11 – 00;03;52;24

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Yeah, I’ve never seen consultation onto what they’re doing. They’re just told, oh, you’re being naughty. Go sit on the naughty chair. Like they use it in a punitive or very shaming way. And that is actually not a good way to do timeouts, because it literally is sort of going against what the whole premise of timeout is, which is really to be used as a way to take time and space to calm down, because when you are extremely dysregulated, learning cannot happen, right?

 

00;03;52;25 – 00;04;22;27

Dr. Jenicka Engler

So if you’re not able to calm down, you’re not going to be able to learn from that moment. And that’s what discipline needs like to teach. Essentially, you don’t want to, you know, use it as a way to shame or do it in an angry way. It’s something where it’s really the object is to help calm your body down, to regain control and then you are in a position where you can actually learn from that situation.

 

00;04;22;29 – 00;04;53;24

Dr. Jenicka Engler

And that’s, I think, what sort of is getting missed because everybody’s like, oh, well, you’re sending a child away. They don’t have self-soothing capacity at this age. And it’s hard because people think that all kids are the same and blanket statements are something that can be used, you know, very generally. And I think that the sort of nuance that gets lost here is that, you know, there’s a balance to using timeouts now to care about the circumstances under which you should use timeouts and how often do use timeouts and things like that as well.

 

00;04;53;26 – 00;05;01;15

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I agree with this and especially what you just mentioned about that. No two kids are the same, which is why I think timeout can be a useful tool.

 

00;05;01;20 – 00;05;23;13

Dr. Jenicka Engler

And that’s I think the most important piece that sometimes gets missed here is that you’re never really using timeouts in isolation, right? In isolation. And I don’t mean that you’re not actually isolating the kid, because that actually is an important component of doing a proper timeout is that you do need to remove proximity and attention. You know, from the parent to the child already to see that separation there.

 

00;05;23;20 – 00;05;43;29

Dr. Jenicka Engler

But what I mean is that you’re not using an isolation from other positive parenting techniques. So the way that I look at the timeout, it’s really like a pyramid. So and this is a balanced approach to discipline that I sort of, you know, espoused across the board. And this falls in line with most of the various evidence backed parenting approaches as well.

 

00;05;44;06 – 00;06;09;14

Dr. Jenicka Engler

So when you are thinking about various discipline, think about like almost like the old school food pyramid, right? We’re dating ourselves here. So the base of the discipline hierarchy is going to be that 1 to 1 attention and connection building. Right. So that’s the piece where positive parenting and gentle parenting overlap, right. We both want you to have great connection 1 to 1 time with your kid.

 

00;06;09;14 – 00;06;29;11

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Right? Because if you have that 1 to 1 attention time, you’re giving them attention for, you know, positive behaviors, chances are they’re less likely going to be seeking attention from you for negative behaviors. Right? The foundation you’re going to want to use that the most. Then the next level up from that is catching the positive. This is where praise and rewards can come in.

 

00;06;29;11 – 00;06;51;02

Dr. Jenicka Engler

So what we talked about on our last podcast with, you know, using process oriented praise for, you know, learning new things or difficult things you can even use, you know, rewards judiciously. Of course. And then after that, the next trip is natural consequences, natural logical consequences. Out. We can’t go outside until you put your shoes on. You know, want to put your shoes on?

 

00;06;51;02 – 00;07;13;11

Dr. Jenicka Engler

We can’t go outside. Natural consequences. And then at the very top of the pyramid, that’s where you’re going to find the timeouts. Or for some folks, time ends. Right? And so we have a lot less support for time ends. But the reason why I’m saying is, is that every child is different. And every situation is also different, because the function of behavior can change.

 

00;07;13;14 – 00;07;39;22

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Right. So there might be something that’s quote unquote attention seeking versus something they’re trying to get access to a tangible sort of thing. And that’s the function of the behavior. Right. So you’re going to apply different sorts of techniques based upon what the current situation is and your knowledge of your child, because there are going to be some kids at timeouts would work really well for they’re going to be other kids through timeouts are not necessarily going to work for.

 

00;07;39;23 – 00;07;55;09

Dr. Jenicka Engler

It’s not right that you apply blindly. You have to sort of use it judiciously and to, you know, really, because the other thing here is that if you aren’t comfortable using them and you’re not able to be consistent, it’s going to backfire. It’s actually going to make things worse. So I would have gone in in that case don’t use it.

 

00;07;55;12 – 00;08;21;09

Dr. Jenicka Engler

All right. Another method. Right. So that like hierarchy of discipline methods, that’s the most important thing. Right. Because when you take timeouts out of the equation, it takes out an important part of the parenting toolkit for some families and parents, because there are some kids who really struggle to learn. You know, some of these basic self-regulatory processes as well as sort of behavior modification.

 

00;08;21;11 – 00;08;39;25

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Without them, you know, especially grown diverse kids, for example, where I’m like these gentle parenting techniques do not work for a lot of neurodiverse kids, and they actually can make it worse for some of those groups. Yeah. So there is no one size fits all approach to parenting. I think that’s what really ends up being ultimately missed in this conversation when you vilify this.

 

00;08;39;25 – 00;09;10;24

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Because the other thing here is that almost every single evidence based parenting program includes timeout. So we’re talking triple P, parent child interaction therapy, the incredible years helping a non-compliant child parent management training Oregon model. Like all of these various evidence based approaches, they all have some component of timeout, but it’s also done in the proper way, which is a time and space for both parties, parent and child, to calm down.

 

00;09;10;24 – 00;09;24;10

Dr. Jenicka Engler

And that way you can actually reprogram the brain to be in a more optimal space for learning to happen, which is ultimately your goal with any form of discipline. You want them to learn from that experience and, you know, do things differently next time.

 

00;09;24;12 – 00;09;42;09

Dr. Mona

Yeah, we already touched upon the how parents have misinterpreted timeouts and how they’re I do see it being done largely incorrectly. I mean, when I talk to parents on what they’re doing with the timeout and we already mentioned, you know, like almost like threats and yelling and pulling the child into a timeout. I mean, I’ve heard it all.

 

00;09;42;09 – 00;09;52;21

Dr. Mona

I’ve seen it all. I’ve actually seen family members do things that I’m like, oh yeah, I totally am on board with a timeout. But that is not how we want to do it. Like, I’m literally like, oh my gosh, do I see something?

 

00;09;52;23 – 00;09;54;11

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Something that’s there? Oh yeah.

 

00;09;54;13 – 00;10;00;02

Dr. Mona

I mean, I have seen timeouts like you need, if you don’t finish your dinner you’re getting a timeout. If you I’m like, wait, that makes no sense.

 

00;10;00;03 – 00;10;07;13

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Like that. Like I gave example of how to not use a timeout. Like it’s not appropriate to use a timeout.

 

00;10;07;15 – 00;10;24;22

Dr. Mona

So let’s talk about that because yeah, that is one example of I’ve seen and I’ve heard like if you don’t finish your meal you’re getting a timeout, which is obviously not how timeouts work. So let’s talk about that because I think that’ll tie in a little bit of research too. But what is the best way. And maybe use one example and also a situations that you do not want to kind of use them.

 

00;10;24;22 – 00;10;46;04

Dr. Jenicka Engler

And yeah, so I like to reserve timeouts for those situations where emotions are so heightened that you need to actually take a break to calm down, or if there’s a safety concern, right. So let’s say you have two siblings and one is hitting the other. You need to actually separate them. So you know the child who’s doing the hitting in that case okay.

 

00;10;46;10 – 00;11;03;03

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Your body seems a little out of control right now. We gotta go calm ourselves down. I understand you really want that toy, but you can’t hit your brother. Let’s, you know, take a moment here to take a little break, and then we’ll talk after. Sometimes you. And again, I’m a bit overly verbal here with many aspects of timeout.

 

00;11;03;03 – 00;11;20;23

Dr. Jenicka Engler

You do not want to be this overly verbal. You don’t want to over talking to death. And that’s actually another aspect of gentle parenting. Sometimes that definitely backfires. So like you sometimes, again, it depends on the child’s age, developmental level and why you’re putting them in timeout. Because if it’s for an attention seeking behavior, you obviously want to give, you know, less attention.

 

00;11;20;23 – 00;11;40;22

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Like I’m hitting you in the face because we’re giving you a big, responsive, big reaction. Okay, sort of downplay. You want to, you know, be neutral. You want to be boring okay. Let’s go to timeout. You’re hit. You’re a little out of control. Let’s calm our bodies will, you know, come back to when we’re calm. So the case where I would absolutely, you know, not want to see or like the big tantrums, right.

 

00;11;40;22 – 00;11;51;05

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Like those tantrums, those knock down, drag out tantrums where the child’s already gone over the cliff, like you can’t really, because once they’ve gone into full blown tender, you just got to ride the wave. A lot of the times.

 

00;11;51;08 – 00;11;59;10

Dr. Mona

Like that, so much of this like and it’s like, yeah, I feel like, I mean, I think if everyone realizes it’s waiting it out and not joining the chaos because it’s.

 

00;11;59;10 – 00;12;18;08

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Literally giving the time. Right. And that’s what I’ve actually noticed with my own daughter as well, is that, you know, when she gets to a certain point, the best thing I can do is to be quiet and not listening. Don’t. And even realizing, yeah, it breaks my heart because, I mean, this is already after I’ve validated her emotions.

 

00;12;18;08 – 00;12;42;02

Dr. Jenicka Engler

I guess, you know, sort of really tried to sort of join with her. And it’s like, all right, well, I’ve done the bottom of my pyramid and I’m like, all right, now we’re going up to the next step. Which natural consequence right now is, I can’t even respond because I’m starting to get out of control. So I’m going to keep my mouth shut and I’m realizing I’m like, well, that’s actually best for her as well as sometimes to say less and to say no in some circumstances, because it can just sort of instigate it and make it worse.

 

00;12;42;08 – 00;13;00;11

Dr. Jenicka Engler

So like, those are the sort of scenarios where, I mean, for my daughter in particular, it doesn’t last very long. But there are some toddlers. We have us very long. They have a very hard time self-regulating. I mean, I’ve been working with my daughter on self-regulation since she was like a baby practically. So, you know, she is able to generally self-regulate pretty well.

 

00;13;00;11 – 00;13;20;02

Dr. Jenicka Engler

But of course they have times when they can’t. Those are the times when you can use time out, because that’s actually some of the time where it’s going to be most beneficial. Because just like with adults, there are some kids who actually need space to calm down. Like there are adults who I want to talk it through right now and figure this out with other adults.

 

00;13;20;03 – 00;13;36;20

Dr. Jenicka Engler

And we’re like, okay, I really need some time for myself right now to process all this, and we’re going to come back and talk about. And kids can be the same way, right? Like some kids do not want you in their face trying to hug them. And they will actually try to push you away or hit you if you are nervous and trying to validate them and hug them.

 

00;13;36;20 – 00;13;50;05

Dr. Jenicka Engler

Because that’s what some gentle parenting accounts are actually saying to do in these situations. And then like guys for some kids that works. But for a lot of kids, that’s going to actually make it worse.

 

00;13;50;07 – 00;14;11;18

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up, just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;14;11;25 – 00;14;27;08

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.