Raising kids who feel proud of who they are, not just what they do, is one of the biggest gifts we can give them. In this Follow-Up episode, I revisit my conversation with Dr. Becky Kennedy, recorded back when I was a new mom trying to understand how to raise a confident child. Now, with Ryaan heading into six, these lessons hit even deeper.

We talk about what real confidence looks like for kids, why outcome-based praise can backfire, and how to help our children find pride from the inside out. Dr. Becky breaks down how to shift the focus from grades, goals, and achievements to the qualities that matter most: effort, curiosity, and the internal spark that keeps them trying.

You’ll hear:

• Why kids who shine early aren’t always the ones with the strongest sense of self

• How over-relying on praise tied to performance can lead to pressure or perfectionism

• Simple swaps you can use today to build true confidence

• The power of noticing the process, not the product

• How to shift your questions so your child learns that good feelings start from within, not from outside approval

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;20;17

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the follow up. Where we revisit one of your favorite PedsDocTalk podcast episodes in less time than it takes your child to explain why they absolutely need a new pencil case for school. I’m Doctor Mona, and this week we’re going back to a conversation I had with Doctor Becky Kennedy before she became the doctor.

 

00;00;20;17 – 00;00;43;23

Dr. Mona

Becky, the parenting guide and superstar she is today. At the time of this original recording, I was a new mom with a 20 month old Ryaan, just beginning to think about what it really means to raise a confident child. Now, with Ryaan being almost six, I see everyday how much these lessons matter. Raising kids who don’t fear failure, who can feel proud of their effort, and who love themselves for who they are, not what they achieve.

 

00;00;43;26 – 00;01;06;19

Dr. Mona

So as we head deeper into the school year, I wanted to bring this one back as a reminder that while academics matter, our kids confidence, resilience and sense of self matter even more. In this episode, Doctor Becky and I talk about how to praise kids in a way that builds real confidence, how to avoid the traps that lead to perfectionism or pressure, and what it means to help kids find pride from the inside out.

 

00;01;06;21 – 00;01;22;22

Dr. Mona

Don’t forget to download the full episode and tag at the PedsDocTalk podcast, at PedsDocTalk, and at Doctor Becky at Good Inside. When you share your favorite moment or takeaway. Let’s get into it.

 

00;01;22;24 – 00;01;33;25

Dr. Mona

I think all of us want our children to feel proud of success. We want them to feel confident. But how can we balance that confidence with also, you know, not affecting their self-esteem and self-confidence?

 

00;01;33;27 – 00;02;02;19

Dr. Becky Kennedy

Yeah. So I think it’s really tricky, right, in that we often are fed the idea or picked up somewhere along the way that confidence means feeling good about ourselves. And then I think related to that, we think, well, the more accomplishments I have, the better I’m going to feel about myself. Right? And so I think at least in my practice and my experience, parents tend to worry more in terms of confidence about their kids who kind of struggle early on.

 

00;02;02;19 – 00;02;24;25

Dr. Becky Kennedy

Right? It’s the kid in the family where they watch their big sister be the spelling bee champion or the math champion, or they watch their brother, you know, thrive and, you know, whatever he’s doing. And we worry about the siblings struggling. And certainly, don’t get me wrong, it’s hard to have to be that kid in the family when you have a spectacular, kind of high achieving child next to you.

 

00;02;24;26 – 00;03;02;15

Dr. Becky Kennedy

And also, this is true, it’s really, really hard to actually form true, lasting internal self-esteem when you are constantly, in some ways overwhelmed by external validation and praise and accomplishment. Because what you end up learning is, oh, all of these things outside of me being labeled so smart, being a reader, being a star soccer player, being the one in the art class who everyone says, oh, she’s the best student here.

 

00;03;02;17 – 00;03;27;18

Dr. Becky Kennedy

Those end up feeding me. They kind of feed my soul. And if we all posit were like, okay, well, what’s wrong with that? And there’s nothing wrong with any of this. But when our kids are younger, they’re really learning how to get good feelings about themselves. And we can think about this in many ways. But one way I think of it is, do my kids learn that good feelings live within them and they can kind of generate them?

 

00;03;27;21 – 00;03;50;14

Dr. Becky Kennedy

Or do my kids learn that good feelings live outside of them, and I need to go get them, and I need to get them, and I need to get more of them and more of them. And kids who kind of, quote, get good feelings from their accomplishments and early successes, and they often wire their body to only feel proud and confident when they’re in that moment of success.

 

00;03;50;14 – 00;04;04;24

Dr. Becky Kennedy

And in some ways, they become addicted to those moments and don’t have the space and the opportunity to really notice the good feelings about themselves that live inside, not outside them.

 

00;04;04;27 – 00;04;17;23

Dr. Mona

I think this is so important, and I think, you know, one of my questions would be, what would be an example of how we can have them focus on those emotions that come from within, rather than looking at them externally or looking for them externally.

 

00;04;17;25 – 00;04;45;03

Dr. Becky Kennedy

Right. So let’s take an example of a child who is a basketball player. Okay. So you just came, let’s say it’s your daughter’s basketball game. So you’re watching your daughter’s basketball game. And she’s a really great basketball player. She scored a lot of points right. So a couple things. Let’s say you see her after the game and what we say and what we ask about really tells our kids what we really value and care about.

 

00;04;45;03 – 00;05;05;02

Dr. Becky Kennedy

And our kids, when they’re younger, are really absorbing family values and take them in and it often becomes their own. So I’ll go over a few examples. I say to my daughter, used start the most points on your team. You are the star player on your kid team. Wow, you scored 20 points last game. You only scored 18.

 

00;05;05;02 – 00;05;26;09

Dr. Becky Kennedy

That’s a new high. Now let me be clear. We’re not messing up our kids when we say these things. If a parent’s listening, saying like, I guess I do that. Oh, no. Pause. Positive spiral. I hear the spiral myself. I can do that myself. We’re not talking here about one comment. Here they are a few. We’re really all just trying to rethink these general ways of interacting with our kids.

 

00;05;26;09 – 00;05;43;29

Dr. Becky Kennedy

So if you’re here listening to this podcast, you’re ahead of the game. So what are we saying to our kids when we say you score 20 points? Last time you only scored 18. What an amazing game. We’re really focusing on an outcome. We’re really focusing in some ways on a product. We’re focusing on something somewhat outside of our child.

 

00;05;43;29 – 00;06;09;18

Dr. Becky Kennedy

Meaning I think we all know, let’s say, even in any sport, there are days that the ball’s just don’t fall in the net. You know, they just fall in sometimes they don’t on others. And what my child’s learning is, oh, everyone gets excited. And my good games are defined based on when I score the most points. This actually does a couple things to a kid besides in the moment probably feeling pretty good.

 

00;06;09;20 – 00;06;31;26

Dr. Becky Kennedy

It also in the moment feels like a lot of pressure right. It also teaches a child that a number which is always outside of us of some evaluation is the thing people care more about then a whole host of things. Let’s say my parents could have asked me that. Are somewhat more internal. So what might those things be?

 

00;06;31;28 – 00;06;54;28

Dr. Becky Kennedy

It might be. What do you think of your game today? Tell me about it. Which I’m just asking my child to kind of walk through the game instead of adding my evaluation. Or maybe I know my daughter, or she tends not to have great sportsmanship when her teammate misses a shot. If I end up saying to my child, you know what I noticed?

 

00;06;55;03 – 00;07;24;28

Dr. Becky Kennedy

I notice your teammate missed a shot. I actually really saw you kind of take a deep breath and say something kind to hurt. That was so awesome to notice. Now, let’s not make a binary here. It’s not like I can only see those things and I can never say anything about the points my daughter scored. We’re just trying to think about this overall, and the more I focus on the things within my child’s control, the more I focus on things inside of her.

 

00;07;24;28 – 00;07;43;07

Dr. Becky Kennedy

The more I focus on a process and less on a product. I’m actually building my child’s confidence because I’m seeing a person in instead of an outcome. I see a person who is working on being a good sport. I see a person who’s a good teammate. Maybe I even say, hey, I notice you try that new move you are working on.

 

00;07;43;07 – 00;08;05;08

Dr. Becky Kennedy

That was really cool to notice. Or I saw you did a bunch of layups. And I know you’ve been working on getting, you know, closer to the basket, not taking so many shots on the outside. I’m still talking about what happened, but I’m talking about something that’s in my child’s control. Instead of focusing on some type of a 100% external accomplishment.

 

00;08;05;10 – 00;08;06;20

Dr. Mona

Oh, this is music to my ears.

 

00;08;06;20 – 00;08;27;07

Dr. Mona

As you’re talking, I see myself as that basketball player growing up, you know, always with parents who, you know, we’re recording this episode so that parents can learn. And I think my parents didn’t know how to do praise. And so, yes, as I grew up, I started focusing on the number, focusing on grades, focusing on outcomes versus the effort and the you know, what I thought I put into it.

 

00;08;27;07 – 00;08;44;05

Dr. Mona

And it also leads to anxiety, you know, as, high achieving individuals who did sports and went through medical school and all that jazz, it makes you feel like a little bit like, I’m always being evaluated for my outcome. And so I think it’s so important that we’re talking about this. And like you said, it can be hard to hear.

 

00;08;44;05 – 00;08;52;11

Dr. Mona

And you’re kind of sometimes we can tiptoe a little bit and say, oh, but I say this and I say that. I think, like you said, it’s just looking at the big picture on how we show up to our children.

 

00;08;52;13 – 00;09;11;29

Dr. Becky Kennedy

I think that’s right. And I think I always tell parents in my practice, you know, the change, change is hard and change is best when we do a small thing at a time. So even anybody listening to this, you know, just throw out everything you’ve ever said. But it could just be an interesting experiment to say, okay, this is interesting.

 

00;09;11;29 – 00;09;32;02

Dr. Becky Kennedy

I do have a child who often brings home a grade on a test, or I do have a child who often says to me, oh, did you see I won my chess match again? Or did you see I built a tall tower? Could be anything. And just what would it be like instead of saying to my child something like, wow, you got all A’s?

 

00;09;32;02 – 00;09;49;09

Dr. Becky Kennedy

If I said, what was the trickiest part of your math test today, Tell me more about that. Or what was the most interesting thing you learned in history class? And my child says, well, do you hear I got an A on my paper. And if you end up saying back, oh, I did hear sounds like you’re proud of that.

 

00;09;49;11 – 00;10;12;14

Dr. Becky Kennedy

How did you think to write it on that topic? You could have chosen anything. Tell me how you thought to write it that way. Tell me a little bit more about that. I’m expressing more interest in my child as a human being, as someone who has thoughts and originality and creativity. And I’m focusing a little less on this kind of very concrete, very reductive of kind of grade.

 

00;10;12;16 – 00;10;42;14

Dr. Becky Kennedy

And confidence for kids is built when kids feel like all of me as interesting I am a person is of interest. I am of value. Not only the things I produce, but the me walking around. And the way we ask questions is really what gives kids that internal confidence. So just try it. What’s right? And here’s a menu of options, almost like I love the question how did you think to how did you think to write your essay about that?

 

00;10;42;14 – 00;11;04;01

Dr. Becky Kennedy

Or for a small kid, how did you think to draw that? So interesting? How did you think to build, hospital with the blocks? What do you think of that idea instead of, oh my goodness, that’s the tallest thing you’ve ever built, or oh, that’s so beautiful, or I’m so proud of you for that. Great.

 

00;11;04;04 – 00;11;25;19

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;11;25;21 – 00;11;41;03

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDoctalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.