In this episode, I break down the three core needs every child has to feel secure, confident, and connected with their parents: safety, respect, and connection.

These are not soft ideas or permissive parenting. They are the foundation of authoritative parenting and the reason kids are more likely to listen, trust, and stay connected to us as they grow.

In this episode, I discuss:

• Why safety, respect, and connection are the foundation of effective parenting

• The difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting

• How emotional safety and predictability build trust

• Why routines matter more than many parents realize

• How to set boundaries while still respecting your child

• Consent, choices, and body autonomy across ages

• Respectful approaches to meals and picky eating

• Why public shaming damages confidence and trust

• The importance of apologizing and repairing

• Simple ways to build connection without needing more time

• How these principles reduce power struggles and anxiety

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00;00;00;03 – 00;00;27;10

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the follow up. Of the PedsDocTalk podcast. I’m Doctor Mona, your host, pediatrician, mom friend. And this is the space where we revisit a past episode that still matters in less time than it takes to think and explain what exactly is my parenting style. As a reminder, did you know that we were a top 30 top 30 parenting podcast in the United States for all of 2025?

 

00;00;27;10 – 00;00;52;03

Dr. Mona

You kept us there, but wouldn’t it be really cool if we were at the top ten? So to do that, remember subscribe subscribe subscribe subscribe. And don’t just listen to these episodes. Download them because those downloads really help. And I’m bringing back this episode for the follow up for a very important reason. We’re starting 2026 after a year that felt heavy for a lot of us in the US and around the world.

 

00;00;52;09 – 00;01;15;18

Dr. Mona

Sad headlines, anger division, moments that made you stop and think about the kind of world our kids are growing up in. And I kept coming back to this truth. Real change does not start online or only in politics. It starts at home, in classrooms, in the everyday relationships our kids have with the grown ups in their lives. And that’s why I’m following up this conversation.

 

00;01;15;20 – 00;01;33;07

Dr. Mona

If you’re struggling with boundary setting, if you want your child to feel securely attached, if you hope to have a real relationship with your kid as they grow. If school or peer issues have you wondering what’s underneath the behavior, you’re going to want to listen. In this episode, I break down the three things every child needs from the adults who care for them.

 

00;01;33;14 – 00;01;54;08

Dr. Mona

Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or caregiver. Children need to feel safe. They need to feel respected. And they need to feel connected. I share what those actually look like in real life, not just in theory, including how safety goes beyond physical safety. Why? One, we respect parenting misses the mark and how connection is built in small moments, not perfection.

 

00;01;54;11 – 00;02;11;25

Dr. Mona

And before we jump in, just a quick ask. Please download this episode and download the full episode linked in the show notes or caption and take a listen. It matters more than you think for helping the show reach more people. And if the show resonates and this episode resonates, please share it and tag at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;02;12;01 – 00;02;18;26

Dr. Mona

Let’s get into today’s follow up.

 

00;02;18;28 – 00;02;47;26

Dr. Mona

So let’s get into what these three principles embody and why they’re important. Safety. Respect. Connection. These are fundamental. If you want a continued relationship with your child. This is so key. And where a line is divided between authoritative parenting and authoritarian, authoritarian parenting is extremely strict one way respect and often punishment, including corporal punishment. There is little respect for the child, but respect is demanded for the elders.

 

00;02;47;28 – 00;03;14;15

Dr. Mona

These three things are vital, including for the parent child relationship. In order for a child to feel like they want to listen and also maintain a relationship with you, they need safety. Other synonyms for safety include trust, predictability, and secure attachment that you are their home base, that no matter how old they are, they can explore the world to their developmental ability and know that you are available and trustworthy.

 

00;03;14;22 – 00;03;37;03

Dr. Mona

And safety and trust is symbiotic for me. A safe and secure home and relationship fosters trust. And trust is a form of safety. And what can this look like in a physical sense? A parent who isn’t physically abusive or aggressive and this seems like a no brainer. But a child will not feel safe and trust you if you use corporal punishment, or if you slap them, or if you try to threaten them.

 

00;03;37;06 – 00;03;57;06

Dr. Mona

Many people think this lends to an obedient child, but it’s more of a scare child who will likely grow up and not want a relationship with you when they no longer rely on you for shelter or basic needs. Because the trust and safety were never there. Another thing is keeping feeling safe. We have a mantra that all feelings are safe in our home.

 

00;03;57;08 – 00;04;16;22

Dr. Mona

Don’t shame, anger, sadness, and praise only happiness in order for a child to feel safe, they have to feel emotionally safe. If they don’t feel emotionally safe, they won’t feel the need to come to you or even listen to you. By allowing them to feel safe with their feelings, they will feel that they can trust themselves and their emotions.

 

00;04;16;25 – 00;04;39;04

Dr. Mona

Help them by labeling feelings, noticing feelings and validate their feelings, which is a form of safety. The next thing in safety is accepting the child for who they are. So of course safety is safety in that physical sense, but they also need safety with their emotions, but also their identity and temperament. Build trust by understanding their temperament and needs.

 

00;04;39;06 – 00;05;01;05

Dr. Mona

The next thing is sometimes, you know, parents have a really hard time with and don’t understand the importance of this, but routines. Some parents scoff at this, but children need routine because it’s a form of safety. If you’re struggling with what safety and trust means, think also predictability from you as a caregiver. And that leads me to predictability in your emotions.

 

00;05;01;06 – 00;05;26;15

Dr. Mona

So being a volatile caregiver, you’re happy. You’re mad. You laugh, you yell. If you have extreme emotions. Most of the times this isn’t going to give your child a feeling of safety. Listen. Yelling happens. But if this is your rule and not the exception, we have to dig deep on why the yelling is your baseline. By being angry, they really don’t know what to expect of you or from you.

 

00;05;26;21 – 00;05;52;13

Dr. Mona

And this can also lead to feelings of shame if you make them feel that they’re responsible for your emotional dysregulation. And truly, you as an adult are the one responsible, not your child. The next thing is trusting them that they are capable and understanding when they’re not. This will overlap with the respect section I get into, but trusting your child and their capabilities will lead to trust in return.

 

00;05;52;19 – 00;06;12;14

Dr. Mona

When they know you believe in them and trust their capabilities, they will feel more self-worth and have the ability to also problem solve. And this will also mean knowing their limitations. If your child is saying mommy, I can’t do it, but you have seen them do that same activity before. You’re telling me that you can’t do it?

 

00;06;12;19 – 00;06;32;08

Dr. Mona

But I have seen you do this. Why don’t you try again? Mommy, I can’t do it. I think you can do it. I want to see what you’re able to do. And if you can’t do it, I will help you. It’s a form of safety in that you are their biggest cheerleader and home base. Because this all goes down for them feeling secure.

 

00;06;32;11 – 00;06;53;17

Dr. Mona

And when they feel secure with you, this is secure attachment. They are more likely to feel confident, to explore the world, to handle people in their lives that may not be exactly like you, because they know that they can always come back to your safe space and your safe love. Now, we talked about safety. Now let’s talk about respect.

 

00;06;53;23 – 00;07;15;08

Dr. Mona

And a lot of this can overlap with trust and connection. So let’s go over how we can show respect for your kids, who they are and their feelings. And please remember that respecting your child does not mean that you are not being an effective boundary setter. On the contrary, you are going to continue making boundaries, but you’re going to incorporate a lot of these things so that your child feels respected.

 

00;07;15;14 – 00;07;36;05

Dr. Mona

So as they grow, they want to continue to listen to you and have a relationship with you. The first thing is asking them for their choice. Now we know power of choice is useful in the toddler years because of autonomy, but it’s okay to ask your child what they want, and this is especially important as they develop. So of course, the toddler brain.

 

00;07;36;05 – 00;07;54;06

Dr. Mona

You’re not going to be able to ask open ended questions. You may have to show them before they’re verbal. So you’re going to show them like do you want this or this? As they get older you may say, do you want this or this offering two choices. But as they get older, 456, seven, school age and beyond asking them what they want.

 

00;07;54;08 – 00;08;15;14

Dr. Mona

This could be for a movie they want to watch, letting them pick a restaurant, what outfit they want to wear. This shows them that you respect them and who they are and the choices that they make. The next one’s a big one. Consent over body and consent is a highly discussed topic, especially with social media, and I take on an approach of consent over body.

 

00;08;15;14 – 00;08;39;19

Dr. Mona

Maybe a little differently than what you’ve heard. But this means that we give hugs and kisses and tickles. But if our kids turn away or say no, we do not pressure and nor do we pressure them in public or with other people, respecting their autonomy and choice of what they do with their body shows you respect them, and if you respect them, they’re more likely to want to listen to you because they feel seen.

 

00;08;39;22 – 00;09;01;21

Dr. Mona

The next is respecting them at meals. Now this is going to be tricky, especially for those of you dealing with your picky or selective eater. But at meals, we want to respect that they’re full and say that with your toddlers and your older children, hey, this is what we’re eating. Put the plate down. Allow them to feed. Of course you can have some seafood, but once they’re done, you don’t force them.

 

00;09;01;26 – 00;09;19;27

Dr. Mona

You don’t say, just eat one more bite. Eat more. You’re too thin. Eat more. You’re going to be hungry. You just see statements. This is our meal. Feel your body. Listen to your belly. If you’re still hungry, keep eating. But if you’re full, stop. And remember that this is the last meal of the day. The next meal is not coming until breakfast.

 

00;09;19;29 – 00;09;39;16

Dr. Mona

The next thing that has to do with respect is really important. And sometimes we have a hard time doing this. Is praising in public but disciplining in private. This shows that you respect them, but are also going to follow through on discipline and boundaries. Of course, there’s going to be moments where you need to pull them aside in public, and this is normal.

 

00;09;39;18 – 00;09;55;28

Dr. Mona

But I’m talking about if you’re in a park and your child does something and you just start berating and yelling at them in front of other children. This is not a form of respect. What would be more appropriate is to pull your child aside and say, hey, Ryan, we’re going to go over here for just a second. I know you’re really upset right now.

 

00;09;55;28 – 00;10;15;16

Dr. Mona

I want to talk to you, and you’re going to go into a corner or into another part and speak to them and discipline their when we yell and shame them in front of their peers, it’s embarrassing. Imagine if someone did that to you. It doesn’t feel good. So as you’re listening to all of this, I want you to think what makes me feel respected.

 

00;10;15;18 – 00;10;37;24

Dr. Mona

I don’t want to be yelled at by my partner in public if I did something. So your child doesn’t want to have that either. Remember, de-escalate and then also debrief whether that debriefing is happening in the corner when they’re calm, but also when you get home, debrief them. It shows that you respect them, that you saw what was happening and that you want to be better and teach them to be better.

 

00;10;37;26 – 00;11;04;24

Dr. Mona

Next, we want to discuss comparison. So comparison is one way we lead a child down a path to self shame and potential extreme competitiveness and lack of self-worth. I recently did a talk about peer relationships and how comparison is truly the thief of joy for children when it comes to how we as adults look at them, comparing them to their sibling, other children, etc. why are you not like your brother?

 

00;11;04;29 – 00;11;27;02

Dr. Mona

Why don’t you do this like your sister? You’re always doing this. You always do this. It’s a form of shame and it’s a form of bullying, and it makes them feel very little about themselves. It doesn’t show them respect for who they are. And you’re not amplifying their strengths. Of course, if your child needs more help in a certain situation or behavior, you are going to guide them.

 

00;11;27;06 – 00;11;49;02

Dr. Mona

But our job as parents is to positively reinforce the behaviors we want, but work privately with them on the behaviors that we don’t. The next thing which is so important, and I’ve spoken about this many times before, is apologizing and repairing. This is so key for a child to feel respected when they hear that their adult caregiver apologized.

 

00;11;49;04 – 00;12;12;10

Dr. Mona

They humanize you and relate more to you and also will model after that behavior. This is a form of respect and that you realize that you made a mistake. Owned up to that mistake, and you realized how it made someone else feel without blaming them for your response. And not only is this important for respect, it’s important for modeling behavior that we want from a child.

 

00;12;12;17 – 00;12;32;29

Dr. Mona

Respect is that they feel seen by you, and if they feel seen by you, they’re more likely to listen to you. Connection is simple spending quality time. So now when I talk about connection, people can start feeling bad about themselves because you feel like you have to have a lot of time. But what I said already is that you do not need to have all the time in the world to connect with your child.

 

00;12;33;02 – 00;12;52;11

Dr. Mona

You have to be strategic here. As a reminder, I work full time with my business. I work part time clinically, have two children, and maintain the house with my husband. And it’s hard. Yes, we have help with our son being in preschool and a nanny, but finding time for connection when you’re so busy with other things can be difficult, but it can be done.

 

00;12;52;13 – 00;13;12;26

Dr. Mona

The first thing is listen actively. I get kids can talk a lot, especially those young kids. But I want to tell you something that I know to be true. They’re going to become tweens and teenagers and reach a developmental stage where they’re not always going to want to talk. Even if you have an amazing relationship and this is not a reflection of you, this is development.

 

00;13;12;29 – 00;13;43;06

Dr. Mona

It’s very common for them to become reserved. So when your younger child is talking, of course, if you have things to do and you need to set a boundary and, you know, be respectful of that when you communicate with that tone. But when they are talking and you are able to be there, listen. Actively listen. This is especially important for younger children to me because they’re learning vocabulary, and it’s so easy to feel frustrated and want to feel the words, right, like you’re waiting for that child to speak and you’re just like, okay, just say it.

 

00;13;43;06 – 00;14;03;15

Dr. Mona

Come out with it. Pause. Take that moment. Let them get the word out. If they’re struggling to get the word out or the phrase give them space. Give them time. They’re not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere. This is a moment with them. Once they’re done speaking. Respond. Oh, I didn’t understand what that meant. Can you say it in a different way that shows respect.

 

00;14;03;16 – 00;14;22;20

Dr. Mona

You heard what they say. You don’t understand. You ask it in a nice way versus. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Remember, all of this stuff adds up. The next thing is play. And I know play can feel time consuming. It can feel hard. But it is how children connect and communicate. And children will not say, hey, I need you, I need to talk to you.

 

00;14;22;27 – 00;14;42;13

Dr. Mona

They’re going to say, let’s play. And sometimes it may mean, hey, Ryan, right now I can’t play, but why don’t we do this? And then maybe I’ll put a timer and in ten minutes, I will play with you. And that’s something that I do, because sometimes I’m busy and I can’t play. Play is connection for them. Going back to that respect portion of this conversation.

 

00;14;42;15 – 00;15;00;11

Dr. Mona

Ask them what they want to play. If they’re young, you can point to some options and give them some choices. If they’re older, you can give them an open ended question. Hey, what do you want to play today? Show interest in them and play if you have other kids or things to do, you can set a timer and say, okay, ten minutes and then we can play.

 

00;15;00;11 – 00;15;22;11

Dr. Mona

And then when you need to play and just say you have to make dinner or do something else, let’s do a ten minute timer and we can play with whatever you’d like. If you have a big family, remember you are doing the best with your time and resources to create these connection moments. It’s not a one size fits all, but the goal here is connection without distraction with your children whenever you can.

 

00;15;22;13 – 00;15;45;11

Dr. Mona

Connection is also the obvious physical connection a hug, snuggles, etc. you know, respect their consent, but if they pull away, remind them that it’s always there, but likely they’ll come back with hugs. Remember what I said already? If they’re upset, let them hug you as long as they need and tell them let go when you’re ready. People feel like that’s going to mean like a long time, that it’s going to be like that forever.

 

00;15;45;14 – 00;16;05;07

Dr. Mona

But the more you show them that you’re available, the less they’ll need you because they see it. They see that there’s connection. They see there’s respect, and they see that there’s trust and safety, and they’re not going to be running to you, whining towards you, climbing on you nearly as much, especially as they get older and their development changes.

 

00;16;05;09 – 00;16;27;17

Dr. Mona

And so I know this trifecta is possible. I know it’s possible. Whatever socioeconomic status you’re in, however much you’re working. I know safety, respect and connection has so much power not only in changing a child’s behavior for the better, but also for creating a relationship of ever lasting love and appreciation.

 

00;16;27;20 – 00;16;48;28

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real, relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;16;49;05 – 00;17;04;19

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDoctalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.