Have you felt overstimulated as a parent? I think we’ve all been there. I welcome Dr. Cassidy who is a licensed marriage and family therapist to talk about overstimulation in parenthood (and especially motherhood).

We discuss:

• What overstimulation looks like in parenthood
• The important first step in managing overstimulation
• Coping mechanisms for overstimulation
• What not to do when overstimulated

More from Cassidy at drcassidymft.com, on the Holding Space Podcast and Instagram  @drcassidy

00;00;01;02 – 00;00;31;14

Dr. Cassidy

In that moment. Your whole body is basically in this like overwhelmed, overstimulated threat response. And it’s just trying to make everything stop. And you do that through whatever method. Maybe it’s fight, so you yell, maybe it’s flight. So you just like, drop, you like, you don’t drop the baby you handed baby over, and then you walk to the bathroom and you close the door just to be alone.

 

00;00;31;16 – 00;01;03;26

Dr. Cassidy

Maybe you freeze and you just find yourself kind of almost like, detaching and, like, feeling like you’re not in your body in that moment. Maybe you fon so you all of a sudden overwhelmed, you’re definitely on the brink, but you just put everyone else’s needs before your own and don’t ask for help in that moment. But these are really common and really overwhelming moments that can definitely contribute to these like spirals of shame.

 

00;01;03;28 – 00;01;33;20

Dr. Mona

Hey everyone! Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk Podcast, a podcast that keeps growing because of you and your reviews. So thank you so much for tuning in and being here today. On today’s episode, I welcome Doctor Cassidy Freydis. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in California and host of the Holding Space podcast. And she’s joining me today to talk all about motherhood and why we may feel so overstimulated.

 

00;01;33;26 – 00;01;36;05

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me today.

 

00;01;36;08 – 00;01;51;06

Dr. Cassidy

Thank you so much for having me. I love this topic. I can relate to this topic. I know so many parents can, and I’m just so thrilled that you brought me on to talk about it. I let’s dive in.

 

00;01;51;08 – 00;02;20;07

Dr. Mona

Yes, and if you are not already, make sure you listen to her podcast, but also follow her on Instagram social media. Doctor Cassidy I’ll tag everything in the show notes because she shares such great content on family life, motherhood, life. So I really appreciate all the work that you do to help fellow moms and parents just feel more engaged and present in the moment, and also just be more vulnerable and understand that we’re all human and we’re all experiencing very similar things, as we navigate parenthood.

 

00;02;20;09 – 00;02;49;21

Dr. Cassidy

Yeah. Thank you. I mean, honestly, it is my like, goal and my mission to invite people in first through like realness and vulnerability. So I think that’s always a beautiful way to open the door to connection. And so on the podcast and on Instagram, I get real about all the things, the messy parts of parenthood, the things that happen behind closed doors, that we find ourselves feeling like ashamed of or guilty around, or just like, like there must be something wrong with me.

 

00;02;49;21 – 00;03;09;03

Dr. Cassidy

I doubt that so-and-so experienced this or it gets this messy over there in parenting or in our, you know, partner relationships. And so I try to open that door and, like, shed a light on these things and then, you know, kind of build that bridge to getting support. I’m a family therapist. I work with a lot of millennial parents.

 

00;03;09;03 – 00;03;40;11

Dr. Cassidy

You know, navigating those, you know, early years of parenthood. I work with individuals and couples. I have a private practice in California. It’s a virtual practice. And so my hope is to invite people in and then build that bridge to getting support. Right. Like getting off the app or like, you know, once you end the podcast, be like, okay, I have some like strategies and steps now to take so that I can start to create some change and get back in alignment with, you know, caring for myself and caring for, you know, the little ones around me.

 

00;03;40;11 – 00;03;49;19

Dr. Cassidy

So I love that we’re talking about this today, because it’s one of those things that I think a lot of folks struggle with behind closed doors, but we don’t always talk about.

 

00;03;49;22 – 00;04;16;00

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I mean, I definitely recognize it when I became a mom and that sort of, I guess people can call it being like tapped out or just feeling like you can’t handle so many different things happening at the same time. Right. And so it definitely is a reality, not every personal experience, but I will say that most mothers I talked to, my friends included, and people through this podcast and through my platform will say that they feel a difference after becoming a mother.

 

00;04;16;00 – 00;04;28;22

Dr. Mona

So what is it about motherhood? Is it inherent hood? Is it motherhood? Is it being a woman? Like what is it that just makes us feel overstimulated and maybe just describing what that means to be overstimulated?

 

00;04;28;24 – 00;04;52;29

Dr. Cassidy

Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely a parenthood thing, right? But I think there are some unique factors about being the birthing parent or being a mom. That is definitely something to take note of. So let’s paint a picture. All right, so before you become a parent, we all have different levels of how we experience the world around us from like a sensory perspective.

 

00;04;52;29 – 00;05;13;08

Dr. Cassidy

Right. And I’ve learned so much more about that since becoming a parent. And actually since having a child who has sensory sensitivities, one of my kids has sensory processing disorder and my partner also we once we figure that out, we’re like, I looked at him and he’s like, oh yeah, I have this. And like, yeah, you totally have insight.

 

00;05;13;19 – 00;05;44;04

Dr. Cassidy

So I’ve learned a lot more since becoming a parent as we oftentimes do, about, you know, these different things. But before you have kids, there are certain things that you might find yourself just feeling more sensitive about when you navigate the world, whether it’s sounds or touch or temperature or, you know, and you find ways to kind of like, figure that out and navigate it, right, to have some sense of control or agency when it comes to these things.

 

00;05;44;04 – 00;06;10;28

Dr. Cassidy

So let’s say you’re someone who really find yourself feeling overwhelmed by mess. Before you become a parent, you have most likely some space to control that mess, right? Like you’ve got maybe somewhere margins in your day. You don’t have, you know, children running around and making a mess of the things you just cleaned up. You can have more control over your environment.

 

00;06;11;01 – 00;06;35;05

Dr. Cassidy

And let’s say you find yourself feeling more like triggered by a noise. Well, you know, that’s something. You know, if you’re a partner that you and your partner can figure out or you and your roommates can figure out and you’re, you know, both adults and you might have differences, but you can feel like you have a little more like agency to kind of communicate what those needs are and maybe, you know, have some control over that.

 

00;06;35;07 – 00;07;13;28

Dr. Cassidy

And, you know, maybe you’re somebody who gets touched out, right, like, or you’re more introverted and you, you know, may find yourself feeling overwhelmed in certain situations, in certain environments. But you can come home and you can kind of get that alone time and space to just sort of recalibrate or, you know, refill that energy bucket and then we become parents and you take the birthing classes, you maybe took, you know, breastfeeding class, maybe you took the, you know, infant CPR class.

 

00;07;13;28 – 00;07;41;12

Dr. Cassidy

And you’re like, all right, I’m ready. You know, maybe you read some some baby books, too, but, like, none of them covered. Hey, let’s take a little quiz here and let’s identify all the different things that really kind of make you feel overstimulated. Because guess what? Here’s your baby. And yeah, breastfeeding just sitting can be hard. You know, baby sleep is oh my gosh, sleep deprivation is a beast.

 

00;07;41;12 – 00;08;07;26

Dr. Cassidy

Like recovering from birth. Like there are all these things that are so hard and something that was not discussed in any of these classes or books that I felt so consumed by was how overstimulated I felt and like, so let me paint a picture now of what this can look like, and maybe your listeners can relate to all of this or certain pieces of it.

 

00;08;07;28 – 00;08;39;07

Dr. Cassidy

Okay, so let’s say you got a new baby and let’s say maybe you got another child too. I mean, if you got a toddler, an older child running around, okay, so the baby is nursing or bottle feeding and all of a sudden it’s up and now you’ve got sticky formula or breast milk, like running down your friend, your toddler, you know, runs in and has sticky yogurt fingers and like, is yanking on your arm because they have an iPad in their hand.

 

00;08;39;07 – 00;08;52;20

Dr. Cassidy

Also now has yogurt all over it. That’s like blaring some video and they’re like whining because it’s like not working or it’s not the video that they wanted the dog starts to bark at the dog.

 

00;08;52;23 – 00;08;54;21

Dr. Mona

That’s always it’s always.

 

00;08;54;24 – 00;08;54;25

Dr. Cassidy

The.

 

00;08;54;26 – 00;08;56;15

Dr. Mona

Dog. Yeah. You know.

 

00;08;56;18 – 00;09;19;22

Dr. Cassidy

You see like the, like, dog hair in the corner and like, there’s just like all these bright colored toys, like, scattered around the floor. You get up, and you’re going to start walking towards the kitchen to get a napkin to wipe the yogurt off of literally everything. Now you step on a Lego, you’re all of a sudden like, why is it so freakin hot in here?

 

00;09;19;23 – 00;09;40;14

Dr. Cassidy

Like, where who turned off the AC? Your partner walks in, your partner’s like, what’s going on here? And you lose it, right? Like and like in that moment. Like you lose it. Maybe on your partner, on the dog, like you maybe, you know, yell at your child like, I don’t, I don’t know, I don’t know who you yell at, but like, you’re yelling.

 

00;09;40;14 – 00;10;11;02

Dr. Cassidy

And in that moment, your whole body is basically in this like overwhelmed, overstimulated threat response. And it’s just trying to make everything stop. And you do that through whatever method. Maybe it fights, so you yell, maybe it’s flight. So you just like, drop you like, you don’t drop the baby, you hand the baby over, and then you walk to the bathroom and you close the door just to be alone.

 

00;10;11;04 – 00;10;31;12

Dr. Cassidy

Maybe you freeze and you just, you know, find yourself kind of almost like, detaching and, like, feeling like you’re not in your body in that moment. Maybe you fun. So you all of a sudden overwhelmed. You’re definitely on the brink, but you just put everyone else’s needs before your own and don’t ask for help in that moment.

 

00;10;31;14 – 00;10;58;22

Dr. Cassidy

But these are really common and really overwhelming moments that can definitely contribute to these, like, spirals of shame because of how we then might react when we get there. But yeah, there’s gosh, becoming a parent is like having a million tabs open in your brain and one of them is blaring Baby Shark, and you don’t know which one, and you can’t close it.

 

00;10;58;24 – 00;11;13;25

Dr. Cassidy

And I don’t know if you’re feeling this, but even just like putting myself there, like I feel my heart start to race. I feel my like, hands getting clammy. I find myself feeling, yeah, just like I can, I can really get myself there because I’ve been there.

 

00;11;13;28 – 00;11;33;10

Dr. Mona

Oh, and you’re describing, I think, one of the most important things. First off, is recognizing what your individual stimulation triggers are, right? Some people may be listening to this and be like, oh, I don’t mind if there’s Baby Shark. I don’t mind it. But for some people this is going to be extremely overstimulating. Even like you said before becoming a parent.

 

00;11;33;10 – 00;11;50;22

Dr. Mona

And then when you add on the lack of time, the multiple different things happening at once, it’s going to cause that rise and that combination of everything happening at once. I think we can all say we’ve been there. I have for sure. And I think part of it is recognizing it. And being able to kind of cope with it.

 

00;11;50;29 – 00;12;10;03

Dr. Mona

So, you know, you talked about what it is to be overstimulated. Where would we even start with, how you can cope with it? Right. Is it first recognizing it? But then what’s the step when you know the example that you gave, when you’re feeling like you need to run away, should you go into the bathroom? What do you do if you can’t go into the bathroom and you have to be in that situation?

 

00;12;10;03 – 00;12;19;17

Dr. Mona

That’s extremely overstimulating. How can we help ourselves? I guess as parents, as mothers, when we’re finding ourselves in that cycle of overstimulation.

 

00;12;19;20 – 00;12;53;24

Dr. Cassidy

You’ve got all the great questions, all the good questions. These are the questions that my clients come in, you know, in that first session. And they’re asking too. And so, oh, first I’m going to take a breath because I think that, you know, I definitely, you know, even just imagining these things that they think about our brain that’s so interesting is that even when we just sort of imagine a scenario, our brain can start to trigger that wiring in our brain, that sort of like storyline, that sort of like, okay, this is a familiar path.

 

00;12;53;24 – 00;13;28;29

Dr. Cassidy

Here’s how we keep ourselves protected and safe and how we should react to this threat in that moment. Our brain has this sort of wiring. So I think is actually so important for us to do is to first pause, take a breath and ask ourselves, gosh, what are some of my triggers? And in recognizing these triggers and these parts of myself that are very triggered by sound or mess or touch, what is also potentially the story behind that, right?

 

00;13;28;29 – 00;14;01;19

Dr. Cassidy

Like how did that very sensitive triggered wiring occur in the first place? And so let’s talk about some of these common triggers okay. So your senses are a great place to start. So there is sight. And like what you see around you. Right. So sometimes we can be really overstimulated by certain colors or disorganization or mess. We can find ourselves feeling triggered by smells.

 

00;14;01;19 – 00;14;20;26

Dr. Cassidy

So I didn’t mention that in the scenario earlier. But let’s also say, you know, you walk by the trash can and you smell that dirty diaper that your partner said they were going to take out in the trash and they haven’t yet. Right? Or you see those dirty dishes and you see that old spaghetti sauce also, like that smell hits you.

 

00;14;20;29 – 00;14;46;11

Dr. Cassidy

Or maybe your carpet smell like urine because that dog is really old and keeps having accidents, right? Okay, so smell can be a big one. Smell is a really interesting one because it also can trigger the feeling of disgust. And disgust is one of those feelings that we’re all, you know, wired for that is actually there to keep us safe.

 

00;14;46;11 – 00;15;06;28

Dr. Cassidy

Right? Like if something is spoiled or something is potentially toxic, you’re going to smell it, you’re going to taste it, and it’s going to give you that sense of disgust. And then your body’s going to say, ooh, like, spit that out or get away from that. And so that can definitely be very triggering smell, taste as well. Temperature you know.

 

00;15;06;28 – 00;15;28;28

Dr. Cassidy

So feeling hot, feeling cold. Touch harsh. I’ve had those moments where like I am so touched out and my child is leaning up against me, especially, you know, one of my kids who does have sensory processing disorder. He’s always looking for something to lean against or just to know where he is in space. That’s what I’ve come to learn.

 

00;15;29;01 – 00;15;51;06

Dr. Cassidy

But sometimes I don’t want to be touched. Right. And he’s leaning up against me and I might say, hey, buddy, like my body’s telling me that I just don’t want to be touched right now. I love you. I’m going to sit right over here, okay? And he might be like, no, no, no. And like, lean up against me and like, in my body, even though my child is not a threat, my body is sensing, I don’t want to be touched right now.

 

00;15;51;08 – 00;16;14;13

Dr. Cassidy

And this little person is not respecting that and is like leaning up against me. My body might interpret that as a threat, and I might respond with frustration, or I might yell, or I might, you know, like push him off of me. And, those moments right where you’re just like, you know, then guilt creeps in and there’s shame and it’s like, what’s wrong with you?

 

00;16;14;13 – 00;16;39;10

Dr. Cassidy

Like, who does that as a mother? So I think that, you know, it’s really important for us to identify what these triggers are. What also can be really overstimulating is information like information overload. And so social media, you know, like, yes. That could be part of this cycle. You feel, is it okay to cuss on this podcast?

 

00;16;39;12 – 00;16;42;03

Dr. Mona

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Okay.

 

00;16;42;03 – 00;16;43;19

Dr. Cassidy

I was going to say a warning.

 

00;16;43;19 – 00;16;49;26

Dr. Mona

It’s coming coming, coming. We’ll make it as explicit. Maybe maybe skip skip it a little bit if you need to go.

 

00;16;49;28 – 00;17;07;22

Dr. Cassidy

All right. So like, all I’m going to say here, it’s just like the real ness of, like, you feel super freakin shitty, right? Like you’re like, what is wrong with me? But. And then what sometimes do we do? We want to flee. We want to, like, kind of numb. So we might like or we might just want to feel less alone.

 

00;17;07;22 – 00;17;41;15

Dr. Cassidy

So we are we open our phone, our fingers, just automatically, you know, flip over to social media. Yeah. We start scrolling. Everybody else highlights of their parenting moments or all this information that is helpful. But like, oh my gosh, it can feel like so much just more and more tabs opening in your brain of things to think about on top of the things that you’re potentially already carrying the mental load of, of doctor’s appointments or your kid’s social lives or other things.

 

00;17;41;17 – 00;18;16;22

Dr. Cassidy

And I think that this is where you asked earlier, like, is this more of a mom thing? I know for a fact that my husband gets overstimulated and we’ve come to learn what his triggers are, especially as you kind of know understand more intimately that he does have some sensory sensitivities, and my partner does. But between the two of us, we in our early years of parenting, definitely got into these sort of roles of me being the default parent in so many ways and carrying a lot of the mental load, the invisible load of parenting.

 

00;18;16;25 – 00;18;43;27

Dr. Cassidy

And so if you’re carrying that and your body’s taking in not only all the information around you, like in getting overwhelmed by the sensory world around you of becoming a parent, having less space and margins to be able to control your environment. Right. And all the things around you, and you’re carrying the invisible load or mental load and you’ve got all those tabs open in your brain.

 

00;18;43;29 – 00;19;22;08

Dr. Cassidy

It’s no wonder that, you know, folks are talking more now about mom rage or parent rage. Or you’re having these really ugly, messy moments behind closed doors because, fuck, this is a lot. You know, I think it’s a lot to carry. And okay, so your question was, what do we do identifying what your triggers are like, you know, following this podcast or while you’re tuning in like posit, I want you to jot down like thinking about the last couple weeks, like, what have been some of those triggers that just, like set you off, right?

 

00;19;22;08 – 00;19;45;09

Dr. Cassidy

Or can you identify like, what kind of was the building like what what we’re kind of built up to that like losing it moment. Right. Like you know, did the weather change? Have you just been extra hot lately? You know, and it’s a really stimulating like, you know, has something change in your, in your lives. So just identifying what some of those triggers are and like let’s, let’s take one, let’s say it’s mess.

 

00;19;45;14 – 00;20;14;08

Dr. Cassidy

Right? Okay. Now that we understand that this is a trigger of yours, let’s slow down and let’s get to know the part of you that doesn’t like mess. Right. And I’m a super visual person. I think it’s really helpful to talk about these things as parts of you, because it’s not all of you. Like you’re not just a big triggered mess person, like, I have all sorts of parts, and one of your parts is the part that gets triggered by mess, right?

 

00;20;14;10 – 00;20;32;22

Dr. Cassidy

Okay. So getting to know that part like what does that part of you look like? What is like if you were really to get down and connect with this part of you, like, what’s the story behind this? Right. Like, what a mess mean. And growing up right. How did the people around you, you know, talk about mess or respond to mess?

 

00;20;32;24 – 00;20;51;05

Dr. Cassidy

A lot of times it can be this feeling of like when it feels like my environment is messy and my environment feels out of control. It feels like I’m out of control or I’m a mess. Right. And so maybe you grew up in a house that did feel out of control, or maybe you grew up in a house where things were very controlled.

 

00;20;51;05 – 00;21;25;09

Dr. Cassidy

Right. And so just getting to know these parts of you and in the story behind these triggers with that injury, into these cycles, into these moments, can be understanding, can be compassion, can give you data for how you can communicate, like what it is that you’re needing to those around you. Right. So like in that moment when I see all those primary colored toys everywhere, and I know that, like, primary colors can be overstimulating to me, that mass is overstimulating.

 

00;21;25;09 – 00;21;55;00

Dr. Cassidy

If I understand that that’s a trigger, I understand why that’s a trigger for me in that moment when I see it, I can meet that part of me that is like wanting to like rage clean and like, and then, you know, spew that out to everyone around me and like, point fingers and criticize and all those things, I can pause and I could be like, hey, hey, part that hates mess, hey part that feels like you’re a massive.

 

00;21;55;03 – 00;22;24;04

Dr. Cassidy

Everything around you is a mess. You’re not a mess. You’re safe. This is not a threat. But this is a signal that there’s something here that you need, right? Like, maybe I need some more margins in my day, some more boundaries space so that I can clean up. Or I need those around me to come in and help so that I don’t feel like this is my responsibility to carry alone.

 

00;22;24;06 – 00;22;47;25

Dr. Cassidy

And I think that margins is a big piece here. When I say margins, I just mean like margins in your day, margins in your life space to feel like a separate human being that has space to process like little like our brain literally just needs a moment to, like, not in more information to not be scrolling and taking in more information or news.

 

00;22;47;28 – 00;23;14;09

Dr. Cassidy

Right? Just space to like, recalibrate to process. And the things that I have experience and, you know, margins, boundaries, space to frickin take care of myself so that I can take care of these very needy and adorable humans that I love around me that are also like, sticky and smelly. Like I need a space to feel like a separate human being, to care for myself so that can take care of them.

 

00;23;14;09 – 00;23;16;04

Dr. Cassidy

And I need help to get there.

 

00;23;16;07 – 00;23;34;07

Dr. Mona

Yeah, those two things. The last thing, the space and the help. You know, I think so many times we forget that we need that mental space to create the ability to handle the things that we do. And yes, you mentioned so many great points about when you’re the default parent. Absolutely. You have less space because of that invisible mental load.

 

00;23;34;07 – 00;23;53;02

Dr. Mona

It’s not like you have stuff that is like major issues that you have to take care of, but it’s the accumulation of all the little things, right? The checklist, the do I have enough laundry detergent? Does my child need more clothes for school? Did I put labels on the clothes? I mean, I’m just giving an example. My last week, you know, with school going back into session at the time of this recording, it’s a reality.

 

00;23;53;02 – 00;24;15;15

Dr. Mona

And you brought up a few other things. One is the warm weather, absolutely recognizing weather related mood, because for me, I live in Florida. August, I know, and it’s after three year, 4 or 5 years of living here, but being three years of August of being like pregnant and a mom, I’m like, why is it that I’m just really overstimulated and irritable in August?

 

00;24;15;15 – 00;24;35;12

Dr. Mona

And it’s the heat, right? The heat is brutal, and some people often focus on like a sad right, seasonal affective disorder with like cooler weather, but 100%. You need to know your triggers and one of it may be the rising temperatures. And it can make us feel even more clouded. And I can attest to that because I feel more like I feel less energetic.

 

00;24;35;12 – 00;25;11;13

Dr. Mona

I feel more clouded in my judgment because of just the heat. And as a, you know, clinician and I would say make sure you hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, and rest if you can. And then the last thing that I just really, really resonated with was the overstimulation and how many of us and I’ve been guilty of this and I have to really stop myself, is when you’re overstimulating, trying to feel that stimulation with more stimulation, like social media, like I recorded an episode, episode 127 on this podcast about the bad and good at social media, but really more talking about the bad, how it can really affect our mental health and this is one

 

00;25;11;13 – 00;25;40;19

Dr. Mona

of the comments that I think so many of us, when we’re feeling that sort of cloudiness and that sort of overstimulation, we feel like scrolling TikTok or scrolling reels. Maybe the best idea when, yes, it could add humor, but just by scrolling and being on the phone, sometimes I can actually overstimulate your brain. Is there certain things like that you would say, are missteps in an overstimulated moment where if you are feeling overstimulated, try your hardest to really be mindful of X, Y, and Z.

 

00;25;40;19 – 00;26;01;16

Dr. Mona

Are there certain things that you would say, and I know everyone’s a little bit unique because I agree, sometimes we need to create space and we need to steal our brain. And inadvertently we don’t still our brain and we try to fill it with doing things on our to do list or, you know, trying to do this and when we really just need to calm our brains down a little bit and say, hey, you’re safe, slow it down.

 

00;26;01;16 – 00;26;07;24

Dr. Mona

We got this. We got we’re going to get through this together. So I guess my question is the missteps or things to watch out for when you are obese.

 

00;26;07;25 – 00;26;40;27

Dr. Cassidy

Yeah, I think you really named the big ones here. And I think it does come back to this sort of like margins piece and paying attention to some of those like automatic reactions, right. That like are the more familiar path for what are like triggers to take. Right. So for instance the social media intake, right. Like I can so relate to this where I just in those moments I want to flee like my current situation, I will open my phone probably looking for some connection or escape.

 

00;26;41;00 – 00;27;20;09

Dr. Cassidy

My finger automatically goes to Instagram and I know I’m not alone in this. And now I’m taking up what could be a really beautiful margin and I’m just taking in more information. And that’s the last thing that my brain needs in that moment. Like, I think that there are some beautiful aspects of social media. And every Friday I share funny TikToks and it has become, yeah, one of my favorite things to do, because I genuinely find that shared laughter is a really wonderful way for me to regulate my nervous system.

 

00;27;20;11 – 00;27;52;18

Dr. Cassidy

And so there’s beautiful things that you can find there. And I like to do that on Fridays because I curated, you know, that you can come specifically to my account to find that if that’s what you’re looking for, right? Yeah. Versus like, you know, getting caught up in all the other things that you can find. But, you know, I think that, gosh, the urge to just like to finish these like to do list because here’s what happens is like, I want to send that email, I want to get the groceries, I want to finish the like laundry or dishes, like in that moment, almost as a way to like, appease that part of me

 

00;27;52;18 – 00;28;12;25

Dr. Cassidy

that is just like I need this to be done at this needs to be controlled. And my most generous interpretation of that part of me is that part of me really just wants to get these things done and to like, control things so that then I can be present with my kids and with my family, because those are the values that I want to live in alignment with.

 

00;28;12;25 – 00;28;30;08

Dr. Cassidy

So it’s just like, if I could just get this email done, just get this thing done, or just like freaking control these things. Yeah. Then I can get back to what I what really matters most to me. But what can happen in that moment is I’m trying to do all this while my child still needs me. I am maybe the default parent.

 

00;28;30;08 – 00;28;48;18

Dr. Cassidy

They’re still coming to me. I haven’t set aside boundary time for me to do these things, so I’m actually trying to do a million things at once, and then it feels like I’m doing none of them well. So I never get that like joy of like presence or that satisfaction of like completing a task. And so what we do need.

 

00;28;48;18 – 00;29;06;09

Dr. Cassidy

So what like shifting now to like, what can we do is I think in these moments first, like in the moment where we got to do is we got to create more space between that trigger and those like urges, those like reactive, you know, wired urges. We need to pause. I know this is sounds so cliche, but we need to breathe.

 

00;29;06;14 – 00;29;26;08

Dr. Cassidy

It’s important. Like breath. We’re doing it anyway. Why not do it in a way that’s going to actually turn down the dial? That stress response. So taking a breath in, my kids now know when I’m regulating myself because I do a shushing sound on my exhale and I go.

 

00;29;26;11 – 00;29;52;25

Dr. Cassidy

And I extend that exhale. That shushing sound has a regulating effect. It’s stimulating a little bundle of nerves that is telling my brain there isn’t a threat. There isn’t a danger here right now. Like we turn that dial down on that stress response. And what I’ve done there is I’ve just created space between the trigger of being overstimulated and that automatic reactivity that is so familiar.

 

00;29;53;08 – 00;30;16;09

Dr. Cassidy

And when I’m also doing there is I’m giving myself an opportunity to make a choice of how I want to respond that is more in alignment with how I want to show up, right? For myself, for my kids, for my family. And what’s so cool is that in that moment, you are taking a little step to rewire your brain so that it’s a little bit easier next time.

 

00;30;16;09 – 00;30;38;04

Dr. Cassidy

Because when your brain sees whoa, whoa, whoa, there was that trigger, and then you slowed things down and you pause and you responded in this other way, and, well, it didn’t all fall apart. We’re still alive. Like we made it. Wow. Our brains gonna be like, Interesting. Make a little connection there. And that’s how we rewire our reactivity.

 

00;30;38;07 – 00;31;05;14

Dr. Cassidy

Now, this is deep work. This is really important. Deep work that we’re doing. And so if you find that it’s really hard to pause in these moments if you’re trying to like, you know, activate support by bringing your partner in and having conversations about sharing the load and wanting to shift gears of not being the one that’s the default parent carrying this invisible mental load, you find that it’s really hard to talk to your partner about these things.

 

00;31;05;14 – 00;31;31;22

Dr. Cassidy

It’s hard to ask for support because out of the moment, that’s what we need oftentimes is we need more boundaries. We need support. We need space. If you’re finding that it’s really hard, that can be a signal that more support is needed. And that’s where therapy can be a really beautiful space for you to figure out what your triggers are, to figure out the story behind those, to process any trauma that makes these triggers pretty rigid.

 

00;31;31;22 – 00;31;58;01

Dr. Cassidy

Right? And really reactive. From your own experiences. Right. Big trauma is our little traumas. Little traumas would just be those little papercuts every day, right, that you may have experienced as a child yourself, where your needs weren’t met, where you felt silenced, where you felt overwhelmed, where you felt overstimulated. But nobody was there to kind of check in with you and support you in learning how to regulate that, or to feel safe again.

 

00;31;58;03 – 00;32;19;02

Dr. Cassidy

Right. So therapy can be a beautiful place for that to happen. Couples therapy can be a beautiful place for you and your partner to get on the same team, to feel supported by each other. And so if you find that you’re like, okay, I’m trying, but I keep getting stuck or we’re caught in these cycles, I think that could be a really important signal of my support being called for.

 

00;32;19;04 – 00;32;40;15

Dr. Mona

I love this conversation, and I wouldn’t expect less from a psychologist, therapist because it’s so important to understand that you can do the work, right. You can look at your triggers, you can do all of that. But in the end, we do need help. And that help can sometimes be in the form of a therapist, a psychiatrist, people that are trained in helping you dig deeper, that are not your loved one.

 

00;32;40;15 – 00;32;56;11

Dr. Mona

Right. I think we sometimes feel like, oh, I can talk to my best friend or my my relative, and sometimes that works great. You know, sometimes that is is all the support you need. But sometimes you just want to talk it out or listen to a podcast or just need that extra layer. And I love normalizing that with you.

 

00;32;56;18 – 00;33;16;25

Dr. Mona

I love talking about all of this with you because I resonate with it, and I know so many of my listeners are parents, but a lot of them are mothers. And also just take care of children in general, that they understand that we need to do this work and it’s not easy, like you said, but it is something that will benefit number one ourselves.

 

00;33;16;25 – 00;33;33;07

Dr. Mona

And I think we tend to focus so much on I’m doing this for my kid. I’m doing this for my kid. No, I’m doing this because I don’t want to be overstimulated all the time. I don’t want to be irritable. We’re going to record another episode in the future about irritability and motherhood and parenthood, but I just want to find more space.

 

00;33;33;08 – 00;33;53;05

Dr. Mona

Is that kind of final thing that I think people should really understand that that’s what we’re trying to I try to do for my parents that come in, like, how can I create more space with you, like to take on the things, whether that’s outsourcing, whether that’s taking a moment, whether that’s not just going immediately to your cell phone and, and doomscrolling like, whatever it is, we need to create that mental piece for you.

 

00;33;53;05 – 00;33;55;27

Dr. Mona

So thank you so much for all of this today.

 

00;33;56;00 – 00;34;12;22

Dr. Cassidy

Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. And I think just the last thing that I’ll add is a lot of times folks do come in, the book with me or with one of the therapists in my group practice because they’re like, I don’t want to screw up my kids. And I feel like I can’t get a handle on my own stuff.

 

00;34;12;22 – 00;34;31;18

Dr. Cassidy

How am I going to help them? Like I’m yelling, I don’t recognize myself. You know, my partner and I are maybe not on the brink of divorce, but you’re just like in a really unsure mini season of, like, partnership. And I don’t want to screw up my kids. And then it’s like, whatever brought you in, I’m so glad you’re here.

 

00;34;31;18 – 00;34;55;08

Dr. Cassidy

And then, you know, yeah, we’re going to do the work here that’s going to support you and showing up for those little ones. But even outside of your role as a parent, you deserve this support. And, you know, I think that, well, that’s individual therapy or couples therapy. I’ve been to both. You know, I’m a therapist and I’ve been to both, you know, my my husband, he gets overstimulated and he puts on noise canceling headphones.

 

00;34;55;08 – 00;35;18;24

Dr. Cassidy

And he used to do this before I understood like why? And it would drive me crazy because I’m like, you’re tuning us out with these head canceling headphones like, hello, families over here. But as he began to understand himself more and what was going on for him and his triggers and his overstimulation, and was able to communicate it with me, and I was able to receive it and hear it and also feel supported.

 

00;35;18;24 – 00;35;38;25

Dr. Cassidy

And what I was struggling with, I was able to understand more what was going on for him, and actually seeing it as a way of him showing up for us. He’s caring for himself so that he can calm his body down and then come back and reengage in a way that is going to be supportive. And so there’s so many things that could be triggering to us that we can learn more about.

 

00;35;38;25 – 00;35;43;11

Dr. Cassidy

And support each other in. And, you know, therapy can be a beautiful way for that to happen.

 

00;35;43;13 – 00;35;53;06

Dr. Mona

I appreciate this. And where can people find you? I know I mentioned at the beginning, but if you can tell everyone where they can find you on social media websites, how to stay in touch with you.

 

00;35;53;08 – 00;36;16;02

Dr. Cassidy

Yeah. So you can learn more about my private practice. And it’s a group practice. Doctor Cassidy Ft.com. I’ll share a link for you to share in the show notes. I’m on Instagram at Doctor Cassidy and my podcast, Holding Space and I’m also currently working on a quiz that once it’s ready, I’ll send it over to you that you can share with your listeners.

 

00;36;16;10 – 00;36;33;10

Dr. Cassidy

And in the show notes, it’s a quiz about identifying your triggers and it’s actually about triggers and rage and irritability. So our two episodes will tie beautifully into this quiz to help you identify what your triggers are. So I’ll I’ll share that link with you once I have it.

 

00;36;33;12 – 00;36;52;22

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much. And if you love this episode, I want you to leave a rating, leave a review, call out Doctor Cassidy and her amazing wealth of information that she provided for today, and just an emotional support. Like, I feel so good just speaking with you, you have the best podcast voice, I love it, I’m so happy you have a podcast.

 

00;36;53;03 – 00;37;01;06

Dr. Mona

But really, thank you so much. And I can’t wait for our another episode where we’re going to actually talk about irritability in motherhood and parenting.

 

00;37;01;09 – 00;37;02;29

Dr. Cassidy

I can’t wait. Thank you so much for having me.

 

00;37;02;29 – 00;37;18;21

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review, share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.