On the Finding Joy Series, I I discuss the real-life ups and downs we experience as mothers, parents, and in life, how to be more mindful, and how to change our mindset to cause change. I discuss:

• The difference between happiness and joy
• How joy can be self-created and not based on external circumstances
• Managing expectations AND still celebrating wins
• Why we need to stop using the phrase,”I’ll be happy when”

00;00;01;02 – 00;00;26;22

Dr. Mona

Cultivating that joy and happiness in the moment now is vital. When you say I’ll be happy, when what that translates to is I’m not happy now, and we fall into the trap of waiting for life to happen, to give us happiness. Rather than creating happiness we want in the moment. We continue to search, wait and wish rather than thrive and enjoy life in the moment.

 

00;00;26;24 – 00;00;52;00

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. I am Doctor Mona. Thank you so much for being here. Your love and support of the podcast. I love talking to fellow parents on my Monday morning episode, Professionals in Pediatrics, and doing these finding Joy episodes about finding peace and joy amidst parenthood and just in our lives in general. Make sure to continue leaving those reviews because it helps the podcast grow.

 

00;00;52;02 – 00;01;11;12

Dr. Mona

I started doing the finding Joy series at the end of 2021, and it has really taken my podcast to the next level. So many of you have really resonated with the topics I’ve discussed on my own or with my husband, who has been the first guest on the finding Joy series, and I can’t wait to invite more guests to talk about mindset in parenting and in life.

 

00;01;11;14 – 00;01;33;24

Dr. Mona

Your reviews means so much to me because not only do I get your feedback, it really helps the podcast grow. Like I mentioned, and I wanted to read out two reviews on Apple Podcasts. One is from press X three who said love this podcast and all of the real talk knowledge. Doctor Mona gives yes, real talk. Look, parenting is a roller coaster and the only way we survive it is through real talk.

 

00;01;33;27 – 00;01;56;02

Dr. Mona

The next was from Bama Rae. Validating and helpful. I love that this podcast validates the difficulties of modern motherhood without feeling dwelling or whiny, and gives tips to help with it. I have listened to some episodes twice to really take it all in. Look 100%. We do not whine here. We do not. Woe is me, our life, that our life is worse in other people’s.

 

00;01;56;02 – 00;02;13;17

Dr. Mona

We all know that we go through ups and downs. We all know that sometimes we’re surviving and sometimes we’re thriving. We accept our feelings, accept our emotions and move forward. So thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for reviews. Continue to leave them. It means so much to me and maybe I’ll read off on a future episode.

 

00;02;13;20 – 00;02;42;07

Dr. Mona

This episode is a finding Joy episode, and if you’re not familiar with these episodes, I discuss the real life ups and downs that we experience, how to be more mindful and change our mindset to actually cause change. My most recent episode was episode 131 with my husband about re parenting ourselves as we parent our son, it is a must listen because we get really vulnerable on the things that really work for us in our childhood, why we want to keep those things going, but also the things that were not working.

 

00;02;42;10 – 00;03;02;29

Dr. Mona

And why would we want to stop the cycle for our son? On this episode, I’m talking about when life doesn’t go according to plan and when we say I’ll be happy when and why, it’s so important to stop using that terminology. Maybe you’ve been there. We’ve envisioned something and it just didn’t happen. We’d planned our lives looking a certain way, and it doesn’t.

 

00;03;03;02 – 00;03;25;20

Dr. Mona

On episode 120, when life keeps handing you lemons and you’re tired of making lemonade, I discuss how to cope with the barrage of hard and difficult news we sometimes get. You know, those periods where everything just seems not to be going as you wish, and it just seems like bad news after bad news continue to occur on this episode, I’m talking about the disappointment that creeps in when expectation doesn’t match reality.

 

00;03;25;22 – 00;03;48;27

Dr. Mona

I recently watched a really good movie on Netflix called Look Both Ways. Spoiler alert is coming. If you haven’t watched it, you can skip forward maybe about maybe three minutes, but in this movie, it shows the side by side story of a woman who, on her graduation day from college, takes a pregnancy test. In one reality, the test is negative and she navigates a new life away from her family.

 

00;03;49;02 – 00;04;09;24

Dr. Mona

She moves to L.A. to pursue a career in animation. In the other reality, the test is positive and she stays home, builds a life as a young mom, and doesn’t move to L.A. to pursue her dreams of animation. It’s kind of like that 1990s movie with Gwyneth Paltrow called Sliding Doors, and I really, really love this, actually, a little more than Sliding Doors.

 

00;04;09;26 – 00;04;37;14

Dr. Mona

Both the reality show, the ups and downs that this woman goes through, and no reality is quote unquote, perfect. She struggles in both realities, even in the one that she wanted to pursue her dreams of becoming an animator. She struggled. So although her vision and her expectation with such expectation doesn’t always match reality, even in that reality of going to L.A. and pursuing the dream of animation, she is met with so much struggle and questioning of the plan.

 

00;04;37;16 – 00;05;05;04

Dr. Mona

However, in both realities, she ends up finding peace. In both reality, she reaches her dreams, but in different ways. In both reality, she realizes she is okay and that everything will be okay. It just resonated so much. As someone who’s a recovering perfectionist and someone who always felt like she had this plan, it was so important for me to see this movie and the character had a five year plan at graduation.

 

00;05;05;04 – 00;05;22;26

Dr. Mona

You know, she quotes Ben Franklin, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. She was set on a reality of her life, and when it didn’t go according to plan, she felt friction. She felt like she was failing. She felt resentment. In one reality, she moved to L.A. and has a lot of setbacks in her career and romance.

 

00;05;22;28 – 00;05;41;26

Dr. Mona

She loses her job, breaks up with her boyfriend, and ends up being back home at a baby shower where she feels like she hasn’t done anything with her life. Watching her peers around her, there are so many messages that really resonated with me. We watched look both Ways, and I found out that my embryo transfer was canceled. One month of injections.

 

00;05;41;26 – 00;06;01;17

Dr. Mona

Patches. Pills. Appointments. Cost of this whole process. Driving to doctors appointments. Everything was going according to plan, quote unquote. I calculated the due date of the baby from our scheduled transfer date, you know? Okay, so the transfer is August 22nd. Perfect. And we’ll have a major baby right in the new baby would be less than three and a half years apart.

 

00;06;01;18 – 00;06;24;12

Dr. Mona

This is wonderful. Great. This is going to work. Not so fast. The transfer was canceled due to some fluid collection in the uterus. And she couldn’t explain why it happened. Our IVF doctor was stumped, and after reviewing more of it, we kind of realized that it was possibly because of too much estrogen stimulation. But the reality was that the fluid collection was there and we couldn’t proceed.

 

00;06;24;14 – 00;06;59;24

Dr. Mona

And I agreed, we can’t have an embryo be implanted when it’s not a safe environment that the baby may not thrive. But I was devastated nonetheless. There are two things I want to discuss based on my story and the movie’s storyline, managing expectations and what that really means, and focusing on happiness. Now, rather than all be happy when managing expectations gets a really bad rap, what it really means is hoping for the best in a situation and free yourself from control and guilt if it doesn’t go according to plan.

 

00;06;59;26 – 00;07;17;00

Dr. Mona

I think when people hear you have to manage expectations, they feel like they can’t have hope. And I believe that hope is one of the most amazing qualities all of us can have. Hope, even when you’re going through a really difficult time, can help you move through this process of grief and get to the other side in your own time.

 

00;07;17;03 – 00;07;36;06

Dr. Mona

But managing expectations is saying, hey, I am hoping for the best. I think that this is going to work out, but I also understand that if it doesn’t, it is not my fault. It is not because I did something wrong, it is because life just happens that way. One of the biggest robbers of joy is frustration and unmet expectations.

 

00;07;36;08 – 00;07;54;21

Dr. Mona

Whether it’s your birth plan. I’ve been there. I envisioned a vaginal delivery, and I had a traumatic C-section with a surgery the week after. Whether it’s how you feed your baby, I’ve been there. I thought I would breastfeed and a formula fed, and it turned out to be the best thing that happened to us. Maybe it’s how you imagined motherhood to be.

 

00;07;54;21 – 00;08;15;07

Dr. Mona

Maybe you thought that you’d be surrounded by these friends and support system and maybe you envisioned your baby meeting the milestones and doing things a certain way. Maybe you imagined others in your life and how they were going to support you. Maybe this is not what you envisioned. Five years ago. There are so many points where you can say, yes, this expectation doesn’t meet reality.

 

00;08;15;10 – 00;08;38;20

Dr. Mona

And here’s the thing even if expectation is not matching reality, your expectations are not what you’re living in. The current moment where you’re living in the current moment is the reality of the situation, and it can be a very uncomfortable place and an uncomfortable truth to accept that reality. What are you going to do now? And sometimes the situation doesn’t seem fair.

 

00;08;38;20 – 00;08;56;29

Dr. Mona

You know it’s uncomfortable. Or you may not know when you’re going to see the light. And that’s not the goal of healing, right? The goal of healing is not to say I need to move through my feelings quicker. The goal of healing is acceptance through and through. You have to accept the reality that you’re in to actually move, eventually.

 

00;08;56;29 – 00;09;20;07

Dr. Mona

Move through the stages of grief and say, okay, this is really hard for me. I’m having a really difficult time. It’s okay to feel this way, and I’m going to move forward through my own mindset therapy, the people in my life. Managing expectations means we can 100% hope and work towards the dreams or desires, but it also means that we have to learn to be flexible when things do not go according to plan.

 

00;09;20;09 – 00;09;37;04

Dr. Mona

Which brings me to the comment. When people say I’ll be happy when many people use when to define happiness, I’ll be happy when I leave my job. I’ll be happy when I get married. I’ll be happy when my child is older. I’ll be happy when I get that promotion. I’ll be happy when I’m on vacation. I’ll be happier once we get our baby.

 

00;09;37;05 – 00;10;04;15

Dr. Mona

Using secondary infertility as an example for myself. Now, these things may be true that those dreams and goals may fulfill you. However, when we say this, when we say that I’ll be happy when we’re forgetting about our happiness in the moment, we have given away our happiness in the moment to an ultimate external factor that may never happen, may take long to happen, and may disappoint you.

 

00;10;04;17 – 00;10;25;10

Dr. Mona

And the reality is, the only thing or person you have control over in a situation is you and how you react to a situation. This is an uncomfortable truth that many people can’t accept, but it is true. You are the only one who needs happiness in your moment and not based on other events, circumstances, people to find joy and peace.

 

00;10;25;13 – 00;10;47;21

Dr. Mona

When we say I’ll be happy when it means we are waiting for happiness instead of finding happiness right now, we could waste months and years searching for this while we wait. But what? The problem is, you’re not in the moment of finding peace and joy while you’re experiencing life, and you’re just letting life pass you by. While you are waiting for this happiness.

 

00;10;47;24 – 00;11;10;28

Dr. Mona

My husband and I have been guilty of this. We never expected to stay in Florida long term. We moved here because of a job. We moved here to pay off our loans and we did that. But then the pandemic happened, the housing market happened, and job opportunities surprisingly dried up in his specialty. We’ll be happier when we move was something that we commonly said for two years.

 

00;11;10;29 – 00;11;37;15

Dr. Mona

We said this. What happened? Two years flew by where we weren’t living in the moment. We weren’t making connections with people in our community or making an effort to do this in our reality, because we expected and said that our happiness was somewhere else where we physically and mentally were not our happiness was in California or Tampa or wherever else we wanted to move, and our happiness could not be in Fort Lauderdale, where we were living.

 

00;11;37;15 – 00;12;03;06

Dr. Mona

It could not be there because it’s somewhere else that we are expecting it to be. Happiness is where you are. It meant two years of lost connections and waiting for an end goal that never came or using the example of IVF and secondary infertility. My husband and I said it again and it was more of him. And I really learned about this fertility journey, about how I have to stay in the moment as hard as it is.

 

00;12;03;09 – 00;12;25;19

Dr. Mona

He said, I’ll be happier when we just put our birth trauma behind us and have another baby. And I stopped him and I said, no, no, no. Yes, that other child may bring us joy, but by saying we’ll be happy when that happens, it takes away from the moments we’re in. It takes away from Ryan. It takes away from all the good we currently have with the mind game.

 

00;12;25;26 – 00;12;52;00

Dr. Mona

That happiness lies with a certain outcome. It’s a mindset that robs you of peace in the current moment. Reaching a milestone in the I’ll be happy when feels good and it can be celebrated, but then your mindset falls into that trap. Okay, what’s the next milestone that will make me happy? But what about happiness right now? What about accepting the reality and trusting like the character in the movie?

 

00;12;52;01 – 00;13;18;04

Dr. Mona

Look both ways said that happiness is possible in various realities and situations, and not with just the way you expected or envisioned. And in the end, happiness starts with you. I heard a great quote in our pursuit of happiness, we end up postponing joy. Joy is a permanent way of being. Happiness and optimism is situational. Joy is who you are.

 

00;13;18;07 – 00;13;46;06

Dr. Mona

This is why I called the podcast series finding Joy. It’s a state of being. It’s a state of feeling. It’s state of understanding that life is not perfect, but that I’m going to ride the waves and understand that brighter days are ahead. When we say I’ll be happy, when we put off joy in the moment in search of that happiness, we lose mindfulness, which is the acceptance and realization of the now and our feelings in search of what is going to be.

 

00;13;46;08 – 00;14;12;08

Dr. Mona

Take our IVF transfer cancellation. I’ll be happy when it took away the joy we have currently. My amazing son Ryan, my business peach doctored my relationship with my husband not having one kid. And you know, you’re probably like, what does that mean? I want another child so badly. But I also know that right now we are getting to enjoy Ryan one on one, which is a blessing.

 

00;14;12;11 – 00;14;31;05

Dr. Mona

We are able to kind of create a life, save money, do all the things we need to do so when we can welcome that second child. If we are blessed to have that, that it will be the right timing for almost a year and a half of this fertility journey. I’ve been focusing on the end rather than celebrating the now.

 

00;14;31;07 – 00;14;57;10

Dr. Mona

Cultivating that joy and happiness in the moment now is vital when you say, I’ll be happy when what that translates to is, I’m not happy now, and we fall into the trap of waiting for life to happen, to give us happiness rather than creating happiness we want in the moment, we continue to search, wait and wish rather than thrive and enjoy life in the moment.

 

00;14;57;12 – 00;15;21;08

Dr. Mona

What I’ve learned is that you can have a dream and work towards those dreams, and also celebrate the now at the same time. It is possible. It means finding positives in your current situation and practicing gratitude. Even in my traumatic delivery and IVF, I did this, I grieved, oh my gosh, I grieved, but part of coping was searching for silver linings.

 

00;15;21;11 – 00;15;39;25

Dr. Mona

And these are best found when you find them yourselves and not someone telling you, you know your mother in law or your partner know you need to find it on your own time. When things were so tough, I cried in my hospital bed. But I also celebrated the now. I celebrated that I had an amazing nurse. It took care of me.

 

00;15;39;27 – 00;16;06;01

Dr. Mona

I celebrated that I could smell the freshly cut grass on an outing that I was improving. Be it slowly, I celebrated the now and the small wins with our cancel transfer. I also grieved it, but I also focus my energy on the now what do I get to do with an extra month of not being pregnant? Because we had to push back our transfer versus saying I’m not pregnant and I’m not happy because of it?

 

00;16;06;03 – 00;16;25;28

Dr. Mona

It’s so important to accept your feeling in the moment. You have to say that, yes, this is kind of sad and I cried. I think I even shared it on social media stories. I was sad, I was crying, I grieved, but then I also practiced the gratitude. I also looked at what I have now, and that is an important quality that can bring us so much joy and peace.

 

00;16;26;00 – 00;16;44;24

Dr. Mona

I got to spend another extra month with Ryan without vomiting from nausea from being pregnant. I get to work on my business, Scott. I get to go on a wine night with moms for my son’s school because had I had the transfer, I would have been pregnant and I wouldn’t have been able to go out and enjoy a glass of wine with moms for my child’s school.

 

00;16;44;27 – 00;17;11;16

Dr. Mona

I got to say yes to a speaking engagement in the spring, because I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I was nine months pregnant at that time. So you see that I’m looking at all of the things that have been causing me grief the IVF, the secondary infertility, the ups and downs that I’ve experienced. But I also understand that we have to look and find the joy and the gratitude in that moment, in our own time.

 

00;17;11;19 – 00;17;32;17

Dr. Mona

So much of the search for happiness when is rooted in perfectionism. And I mentioned that before the character and look both ways felt it. So many of you may feel it. This expectation of perfectionism that brings, you know, that things have to look a certain way on a timeline. We create standards based on society as well and what our peers are doing.

 

00;17;32;17 – 00;17;53;22

Dr. Mona

You know, everyone is having kids, traveling, doing X, Y, and Z. Everyone has a house and all this is happening. And in that fall, short is a disappointment when in actuality you are in control of your happiness. Your story is your story. Your story is not like anyone else’s story. And it’s something that I commonly tell my husband.

 

00;17;53;22 – 00;18;20;27

Dr. Mona

You know, my husband is a more glass half empty type person, and he does get more down when these kind of things happen. And so do I. But I understand perspective. I look at that big picture. I understand that our life is our life, and I am grateful for the things that I do have. You are in control of saying, yes, I do not have this and I wanted it, but my happiness is not defined by that.

 

00;18;21;00 – 00;18;43;26

Dr. Mona

My happiness is not defined by the endpoint. My happiness is where I’m at right now and I am in charge of finding it. This mindset feeds itself. This mindset will make you experience joy in the moment. And let me tell you, when we have joy in the moment, it brings on more joy. Positive energy brings more positive energy.

 

00;18;43;26 – 00;19;02;16

Dr. Mona

Vibes are contagious. This is what we talk about when we talk about a positive mindset. A positive mindset means that you are not saying that everything is roses and butterflies. You are saying that I am hurt right now. I am grieving right now. I am going to feel my feelings and I’m going to move forward when I’m ready to grieve through the process.

 

00;19;02;19 – 00;19;22;18

Dr. Mona

But it’s important to move through the process. Sometimes you can’t do it alone. Sometimes you’re going to need to hire help in the form of a therapist. Sometimes you’re going to need to talk to friends, but you have to realize that you want to move through those stages to find those brighter days. The more you can do this, the more you can learn to cope with the hard things life brings you.

 

00;19;22;18 – 00;19;45;22

Dr. Mona

And let me tell you, everyone’s life is full of hurt and pain, but it’s also full of so much joy and you are responsible for finding that joy. Life will continue to throw us curveballs. Life’s plan is not to give you only positive experiences. That is not a life worth living. A life worth living is one that allows you to learn.

 

00;19;45;22 – 00;20;06;14

Dr. Mona

And when do you learn? You learn through the hard times. I do not want people to go through hard times. It is not fun to go through hard times. But like I said before, on other episodes you have survived 100% of your hardest days. You are capable of doing this, but by focusing on your joy and happiness, now you are in the driver’s seat.

 

00;20;06;16 – 00;20;27;16

Dr. Mona

You are in control over how you approach your life and how you are going to define happiness. Because happiness is defined by the person. We can see two people in the same situation and one of them is looking it as well. This is an opportunity. I see the perspective here. I am grateful and I’m going to move forward.

 

00;20;27;19 – 00;21;00;26

Dr. Mona

And then you have someone else who is not doing that, who bemoans the situation and says that I am a victim and it’s never going to be okay. Both of these people are in the same situation, and you can use examples of survivors in the Holocaust commonly saying that their mindset is what helped them get through this. Viktor Frankl is an amazing author who wrote about his time in Auschwitz and how his mindset helped him survive, and he noticed that other people who were in Auschwitz also had a mindset that they were going to survive.

 

00;21;00;29 – 00;21;29;26

Dr. Mona

They looked at their happiness now. They looked at the small things. Even in chaos, even in turmoil, you are in control of your life. You won’t be happy when focused on making yourself happy. Now, focus on finding that joy. Focus on listening to these episodes. I want to empower you and tell you that you are in charge of the way you look at the world, and that energy is going to continue to drive.

 

00;21;29;26 – 00;21;51;18

Dr. Mona

Future happiness. Does this ability for me to find joy and happiness mean that I will have that other baby, that we IVF will be successful? Absolutely not. Nothing is guaranteed in life. But rather than wasting two years of my life, three years of my life saying that my life is not worthy, that’s not good enough because I do not have that dream that I wanted.

 

00;21;51;21 – 00;22;11;14

Dr. Mona

It takes away from all of those little joys and big joys that are happening right now. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode. The finding Joy series, like I mentioned, is my dream. It’s my joy. It actually brings me the most peace to be able to share all of these things that impact how we parent.

 

00;22;11;16 – 00;22;38;11

Dr. Mona

If we can be more mindful in how we approach our lives, we are going to be more mindful parents. We are going to be less likely to lose our cool when we are frustrated with them. We are going to be able to find more peace in our situations and understand that everyone, every human being, suffers in some way and that we are okay in understanding that we are not perfect, that life will throw us curveballs and that we will get through it.

 

00;22;38;13 – 00;22;57;10

Dr. Mona

If you love this episode, make sure you leave a review and write what episode really resonated with you? If you really loved it, you’re going to also shared on social media on Instagram Stories TikTok. Tag me. It means so much to me and I can’t wait to share another finding Joy episode in another month. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode.

 

00;22;57;10 – 00;23;10;29

Dr. Mona

As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.