Unresolved childhood wounds can influence your reactions and relationships with your children. By breaking generational cycles and cultivating self-awareness, parents can create more empathetic, connected and supportive environments for their families.

This week, I welcome back Bryana Kappadakunnel, author of the book Parent Yourself First, to discuss how to combine self-compassion, accountability and intentional parenting to nurture both the child within and the child in front of you.

 

She joins me to discuss:

• How addressing personal past wounds allows you to be a more present and empathetic parent
• The need to stop unhealthy family patterns and break generational cycles
• Practical strategies to nurture emotional connection and raise self-aware children

 

To connect with Bryana Kappadakunnel follow her on Instagram @consciousmommy, check out all her resources at https://www.consciousmommy.com/, and purchase her book Parent Yourself First.

 

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and subscribe to PedsDocTalk.

 

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships page of the website.

00;00;00;08 – 00;00;28;17
Bryana Kappadakunnel
I think the biggest takeaway is when we are willing to self-reflect and make sense of ourselves and find deep compassion, deep forgiveness for ourselves. We, will be able to parent the child in front of us for who they are, not who we expect them to be or who we need them to be. And when children are raised like that, they go out into the world with so much empathy and compassion and confidence.

00;00;28;19 – 00;01;01;21
Bryana Kappadakunnel
They are unafraid of other people being who they are. It creates for a more inclusive world. It creates a more, a more gentle society that that really cares about each other. And I just I hate to say it, I just can’t think of anything that is more relevant and more important than that. Creating a generation of children who deeply care about all because they walk with a feeling of being fully cared for.

00;01;01;24 – 00;01;31;13
Dr. Mona
Welcome to the PedsDocTalk podcast. It’s me, Doctor Mona, your mom, friend supporter in all things parenting here for another great conversation with an incredible guest. But before we get into it, I wanted to share a little parenting moment that ties into today’s incredible conversation about parenting yourself as you parent your child. The other day, I was rushing around trying to pack for a trip when, in my typical clumsy fashion, I dropped a glass bottle of expensive foundation that was pretty much full.

00;01;31;16 – 00;02;00;04
Dr. Mona
It’s shattered glass and makeup everywhere. It was an absolute mess. And growing up, messes like this were met with shame. Oh, look what you did. Why are you more careful? We don’t have time for this. Does that sound familiar? Those moments left an imprint on me, shaping my adult life in ways I’m still unlearning. I’ve carried so much shame around mistakes and messes, which has fueled my perfectionism and made it hard to accept the reality of being human, even as an adult.

00;02;00;04 – 00;02;19;01
Dr. Mona
Even as a mother. But as parents, my husband and I are committed to doing things differently in our home. When our kids spill something or make a mistake, we try really hard to focus on supporting them and teaching them instead of shame. We say things like, oh, Ryan, you spilled, here’s a towel, let’s clean it up together or mistakes happen.

00;02;19;02 – 00;02;41;02
Dr. Mona
We’ll figure it out. Well, here’s the thing. Little ears are always listening. So as I knelt there cleaning up the makeup, I caught myself muttering under my breath, I’m so stupid. How did you let that happen? An old pattern that’s hard to break. Suddenly, my five year old came upstairs after hearing the commotion. He was downstairs with my husband and my daughter.

00;02;41;04 – 00;03;01;21
Dr. Mona
He comes up running. He sees me on the floor and asks, oh no, mommy! What happened? And I sighed. I broke my makeup, honey, and I just looked visibly upset. As I’m cleaning up the makeup and, you know, getting the wipes and foundation is everywhere. All of a sudden, my son wraps his arms around me from behind and says, it’s okay, mommy.

00;03;01;29 – 00;03;27;21
Dr. Mona
Mistakes happen. Do you need help? In his sweet little five year old voice. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of pride and comfort. Not just pride in him, but in the reprinting. My husband and I are doing undoing the shame and patterns that once held me back has allowed my son to grow up seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn and connect and grow, and not reasons to feel small.

00;03;27;24 – 00;03;52;26
Dr. Mona
This was such a heartwarming reminder that the work that we do to heal ourselves as parents is powerful. It doesn’t just change us. It changes them. And in many ways it can heal that inner child. My son, coming from behind and giving me a hug when I a grown woman, his mother made a mistake is just a telling example of the work we can do in a positive way.

00;03;52;29 – 00;04;14;14
Dr. Mona
And today’s episode is one that I know is going to shift the way you see parenting and yourself. I’m talking with someone whose work has profoundly resonated with me, not just as a pediatrician and parenting coach, but as a human navigating the messy, beautiful journey of raising children. I’m thrilled to welcome back to the show Brianna Kappadakunnel therapist, parenting expert, and the founder of Conscious Mommy to the show.

00;04;14;21 – 00;04;36;07
Dr. Mona
She’s here to share the groundbreaking insights from her new book, Parent Yourself First. And trust me, this isn’t just another parenting book. Brianna is leading a revolution in how we approach raising our children by first healing ourselves. If you’ve ever found yourself triggered by a child’s behavior, wondering why certain reactions feel so big in you, or feeling stuck in patterns you swore you wouldn’t repeat.

00;04;36;09 – 00;05;00;17
Dr. Mona
This episode is for you and this book is going to be for you. We talk about breaking cycles, handling our own pain so we don’t pass the bad stuff down, and how small shifts in self-awareness can transform your parenting. What Briana shares today is not just helpful, it’s liberating. And if it resonates with you, I encourage you to share this episode, because these conversations are how we collectively change the future for ourselves and our children.

00;05;00;20 – 00;05;04;18
Dr. Mona
Let’s dive in. Welcome back to the show, Briana.

00;05;04;21 – 00;05;08;10
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Thank you for having me, doctor. Mona, I always love our time together.

00;05;08;17 – 00;05;28;06
Dr. Mona
Me too. And again, I just want to congratulate you. I have a lot of, you know, budding authors, returning authors coming on my show. I have been open about this, and I’m in the process of hopefully writing a book, and I’ve heard how arduous the process is. So first off, congratulations on getting to this point of being able to talk about your baby parent your school.

00;05;28;10 – 00;05;31;06
Bryana Kappadakunnel
It does feel like a baby. It feels like my third child.

00;05;31;07 – 00;05;42;29
Dr. Mona
You have nurtured this to life and now it’s out there and I’m just really excited for you. But before we get into the conversation, tell us more about yourself and what inspired parent yourself first?

00;05;43;02 – 00;06;03;22
Bryana Kappadakunnel
I think, you know, as a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in working with families and very young children. You know, it just was something I kept coming face to face with every like, I would hit this, like, roadblock where it was. I’m trying to help parents understand what is going on within their child.

00;06;03;25 – 00;06;29;25
Bryana Kappadakunnel
And it just kept routinely coming up this almost like block and difficulty with being able to fully connect with their child’s experience. And, you know, there’s something really beautiful about, like being a child play therapist, because it kind of teaches you to see the child within all of us. And so that is what kind of led me to want to start talking with parents about their inner child, about what’s really being brought up for them.

00;06;29;25 – 00;06;54;22
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Why? And almost like framing that difficulty with connecting with their child’s experience through that lens of, oh, I wonder what happened to you? Like when you when you were a little kiddo and you were doing the same things that your child is doing right now, what do you remember happening to you? And there’s something just really powerful that unlocks within when we’re able to make sense of that.

00;06;54;25 – 00;07;12;14
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Well, first of all, just name it and then make make sense of it and then take responsibility for ourselves and actually choose to show up as a more mature parent. Yeah. So that’s really how Parent Yourself first came to came to be.

00;07;12;17 – 00;07;27;23
Dr. Mona
I love it. Well, I mean exactly. And I think that’s why we share a lot of the same passion for the parenting space. And, you know, obviously the work is not just about I think I remember some rules of yours, like talking about how one of the most surprising thing parents realized is that the hardest part of parenting is your own insecurities, your own upbringing, right?

00;07;27;24 – 00;07;53;08
Dr. Mona
Like, I have always said the same thing. And, you know, my husband and I, we talked about this heavily before we had children, and I did a lot of work before trying to get pregnant because I had a lot of anger management issues. I grew up in a household where a very physically and verbally angry father, and so for me, before I even tried to even have a kid, that was important for me that I, I worked on that, you know, I had been doing a lot of channeling on anger management, got so much better.

00;07;53;08 – 00;08;13;29
Dr. Mona
But then, of course, we know parenthood in itself is a journey of milestones for you as well as for your kid. And it’s such a beautiful thing. And how important is this work? Not just for not just for being a parent, but also for self and also marital relationships and relationships with other people. You learn so much about what you need to change.

00;08;14;02 – 00;08;47;14
Dr. Mona
And it wasn’t until I started eMDR. So if anyone’s not familiar, it’s a type of trauma therapy, and I would go through, like the memories of my, you know, traumatic experiences or experiences that didn’t serve me and all of the experiences and ended up with a positive visual of me with one of my children and how how like, you know, this is exactly what we’re talking about, how connected it is to have obviously a child in front of you, but a lot of the past experiences and quote unquote traumatic experiences you may have had or things that may have not been good for you as a child, how it shows up in your parenthood.

00;08;47;14 – 00;09;07;13
Dr. Mona
And it’s always like, look at how I’m changing things for my kid. I’m so proud of myself that I’m not going. Same reactive pattern of yelling and hitting and doing all that stuff that was the norm. And I feel like that’s such powerful growth for parents. It’s so beautiful. Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors.

00;09;07;15 – 00;09;36;14
Bryana Kappadakunnel
It’s so beautiful. And it’s so important because if we’re going to have children, the purpose of having children is to grow our sense. We tell ourselves it’s to shape them and get them to fit into a mold and, you know, get them to be who it is that we want them to be. But once you really get into raising children, you realize there is no amount of boxing a kid that you are actually capable of doing.

00;09;36;14 – 00;10;01;21
Bryana Kappadakunnel
That child will rebel against you. Yeah, that child will eventually demand to be their full, authentic self. And so now here you are really like face to face with, especially if you’re raising young children right now, your own personal growth and that ability to like, recognize, oh, what happened in my past and how does it affect the way that I am right now, in the way that I am showing up right now?

00;10;01;21 – 00;10;34;05
Bryana Kappadakunnel
My expectations, my beliefs, my wounds, my actual reactions? Can I create a sense of awareness around that? Yeah. And when we do, what I find is not just like that personal growth, which is so important, but also a, a slower like we become a little bit slower. We appreciate stillness a little bit more. We become more present. We are more gentle, we are more compassionate, we are more empathic.

00;10;34;07 – 00;10;59;20
Bryana Kappadakunnel
All of these really beautiful and important qualities that I think a lot of parents expect out of their children. Yet struggle to embody themselves. Yeah. And so that’s what this book is about. That’s what Parent yourself really teaches us how to do. It teaches us how to nurture these important things that we want to see in our children, but we have to first embody ourselves.

00;10;59;22 – 00;11;18;07
Dr. Mona
Well, I love what you mentioned about what’s happened in my past and that self-awareness through your work. You know, as a obviously a therapist. Why do you think a lot of parents struggle with needing to understand that connection process and how important that our past is? Is it a lack of awareness? It’s a is it a I don’t need to change who I am.

00;11;18;07 – 00;11;30;05
Dr. Mona
Like, why are you seeing? Or what is your thought process on why parents are struggling with that concept of recognizing past patterns, behaviors, events that occur that can shape them in the modern day? On how they parent.

00;11;30;08 – 00;11;52;14
Bryana Kappadakunnel
I think that there’s a pretty significant lack of, awareness between the connection of our past to our present. So for a lot of parents like it, that happened in the past, like, yeah, what’s done is done. You know, I was beat and I’m fine. I turned out just fine. I don’t understand what the problem is. So so there’s it’s very complex actually.

00;11;52;14 – 00;12;17;14
Bryana Kappadakunnel
There’s some like family loyalty that is often involved with that. You know, a lot of it’s like, especially if parents are still alive, it’s relevant across many cultures to never speak ill about your elders, to never complain or to never show anything other than total gratefulness and gratitude for all of the sacrifices that they made for you.

00;12;17;17 – 00;12;38;17
Bryana Kappadakunnel
And so speaking so, so we tend to have like a very binary way of looking at the hurts that we experienced in childhood. If I talk about the hurt, then that means that I hate my parents, and I think they were really bad and I shouldn’t have a relationship with them. Like, no, that’s not that. That is a very binary way of looking at it.

00;12;38;20 – 00;13;02;09
Bryana Kappadakunnel
And and so what we can really do is like, recognize that, like I just said, that didn’t serve me. Or, you know, for a lot of people that behavior hurt me. Yeah. And I also understand that, like, my parents are human too. And like they have their own stuff and and I’m going to liberate myself by not taking on their stuff anymore.

00;13;02;11 – 00;13;27;02
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Yes. And I’m going to liberate myself by, like, not being afraid of being of disappointing them because I’m not taking on their stuff. So this is what being a cycle breaker is really all about. Cycle. When, when when we think about like dysfunctional cycles and, and and, you know, difficult patterns of behavior and family functioning, essentially what we’re doing is we’re just like passing the torch.

00;13;27;05 – 00;13;53;09
Bryana Kappadakunnel
I’m passing you the torch of physical abuse, sexual abuse, of emotional unavailability of, workaholism, alcoholism. Right. I’m just passing you the torch, child. And here you are. I’m going to expect you as a kiddo to be the adult in this situation. Because as the parent, my inner child is just ablaze, and I, I am so overwhelmed by all this responsibility.

00;13;53;09 – 00;14;18;15
Bryana Kappadakunnel
It’s just easier to be in the inner child. And now you, as the child, have to kind of be a bit more emotionally mature than your own parents. And that in and of itself is a pattern. And now here you are, as the parent, ready to start your own family and face to face with all the baggage that was packed for you that you had no reason to look at.

00;14;18;18 – 00;14;48;05
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Until you have children, you have no reason. That’s what I think people don’t under even like I did a lot of my own work as well before I had children. As you, as you were saying, there’s sometimes there’s like a little bit of a call to, to do a little bit at work, but most people don’t really even feel the need to do that until they’ve got a raging two year old in their face, because a two year old is being too, and they are feeling completely distraught by the two year old being too.

00;14;48;05 – 00;15;14;09
Bryana Kappadakunnel
And they realize my reaction here is disproportionate to the situation, and I cannot control it. But instead of thinking of it this way, right there, unconscious to that doctor Mona. Yeah, what they are conscious to is this kid is disruptive. Yeah, this kid is a problem. We need to get this kid to stop. And that is where the parent yourself, you know, framework is so helpful.

00;15;14;11 – 00;15;39;20
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Take the heat off the kid, recognize that that is a cycle, a pattern that we reenact. We put the heat on the kid. We tell the child to be the one to change. And what we know in infant mental health, children do not change the family. Yeah, it is the parents. If parents are unhappy with the way things are going in their own home, it is up to parents to be the change makers.

00;15;39;20 – 00;15;41;16
Bryana Kappadakunnel
It’s up to you parents to make the change.

00;15;41;16 – 00;15;51;19
Dr. Mona
Some people don’t want the accountability. And I mean, I talk about this in so many different aspects with like friends and people that are like no one. Everyone just wants to an easy fix or like to blame outside.

00;15;51;21 – 00;15;54;06
Bryana Kappadakunnel
May I offer like a gentle reframe of that?

00;15;54;07 – 00;15;55;13
Dr. Mona
Yeah, yeah.

00;15;55;16 – 00;15;57;05
Bryana Kappadakunnel
I think they’re afraid.

00;15;57;11 – 00;15;57;19
Dr. Mona
Yeah.

00;15;57;22 – 00;15;58;26
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Of the accountability.

00;15;59;01 – 00;15;59;27
Dr. Mona
Yeah.

00;16;00;02 – 00;16;24;14
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Because as a child then, you know, then it becomes I became curious, how were you made to feel when you were being held accountable? What things were you held accountable for? And oftentimes the things I get back were, you know, they were hurt. They were isolated. You know, they got soap in the mouth or they were being held accountable for parents behavior.

00;16;24;16 – 00;16;54;26
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Yeah, right. They were told, I wouldn’t have screamed at you if you would have just listened to me. So the parent has this right to rage on you. It makes us afraid of accountability because accountability is now, you know, packaged with shame. Yeah. And that is what I’m trying to help parents make sense of so we can deconstruct this, the shame, take it away from the accountability and just see accountability as an important part of healthy, functioning relationships.

00;16;54;29 – 00;17;09;09
Dr. Mona
And, you know, parent Yourself first emphasizes the importance of unlearning these harmful patterns. So what strategies do you think could be effective in identifying and changing these patterns? Of course, the book is a great, a great strategy, but what would you say, for that?

00;17;09;11 – 00;17;34;24
Bryana Kappadakunnel
So there’s two main strategies that I, outlined in the book. I mean, there’s actually there’s quite a few, but the two that that would make the most sense in this conversation is, the first one is us learning how to sit with what makes us feel uncomfortable, learning how to sit with our own pain, our own hurts, our own wounds is really heroic.

00;17;34;27 – 00;17;57;16
Bryana Kappadakunnel
And when when we do that, it revolutionizes how we show up in relationship with our children. It teaches our children how to sit with what makes them feel uncomfortable. Now, I’m not saying to sit in it and stir in it and be in it forever. It’s it’s. But but what I am suggesting is that we stop avoiding it.

00;17;57;18 – 00;18;26;17
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Yeah. So Sit is an acronym Sit s means slow down. You’ve got something uncomfortable. You’re triggered. You’re feeling reactive in your body. Slow down. I internally sense what’s happening here. Do I feel a tightness in my throat, an emptiness in my belly? I make my my breath feeling trapped or my hands feeling clenched. Just my jaw feeling really tight.

00;18;26;20 – 00;18;53;24
Bryana Kappadakunnel
What am I actually like? Sensing and noticing here in my body. So that so essentially what we’re doing is we’re slowing down the reaction. Right? The better, more in tune you get with what’s really happening inside, you can actually change the way you react. Now, the T this is the this is something that I think a lot of us don’t know how to do, but I think it’s very important to walk with the feeling.

00;18;53;27 – 00;19;29;08
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Right. So instead of silencing the anger or criticizing the hurt. Yeah, talk with it. Try to understand it internally. It’s an internal dialog. Right. So this practice learning how to sit with it. This makes us very courageous. It helps build resilience within us as parents. It makes us like kind of unbothered and not really like checkable. When our children are face to face with their own shenanigans, because the kiddos are going to come to you with their own shenanigans.

00;19;29;08 – 00;19;53;28
Bryana Kappadakunnel
So-and-so took my toy. So-and-so said this about me, I, I worked so hard and I didn’t get the grade that I that I deserve because that teacher hates me, right? They’re going to come to you with all kinds of stuff, and you have the choice to either, like let your wounds get you wrapped up into it, or learn to deal with your own discomfort so that you can help your child learn to deal with their own discomfort.

00;19;54;05 – 00;20;16;28
Bryana Kappadakunnel
So that’s the sit with it approach that I think I look at. Sit with it as like a reflective practice. Like this is something like I’m probably going to do like at nighttime, you know, or maybe like in the morning, just like taking 5 or 10 minutes to myself and just noticing, reflecting on the night before or thinking about how I want the day to be.

00;20;16;28 – 00;20;39;21
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Right. I noticed a little a little yawn there. It should be like that. Like we it should allow us to just release whatever stress it is that we’re holding on to and just create a little bit more freedom internally so that we can show up for our children in the ways that I think most people, at least the people that I interact with, really want to, you know.

00;20;39;24 – 00;20;55;28
Dr. Mona
Now, let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors. Yeah. I think, like you said, I think that reframe of like, people want you, but they’re they’re scared. Whether it’s of the accountability, whether it’s of the change they have to go through, and, you know, you spoke about how you went through that work before having kids.

00;20;55;28 – 00;21;10;03
Dr. Mona
My like, I knew I had to, but my husband had was one of those people who were like, nah, you know, it’s fine. And then he realized once we had the child kind of what you’re saying about that two year old having a tantrum and you’re like, oh, he realized earlier than that. And he was like, oh, I need to go through my own work.

00;21;10;03 – 00;21;28;22
Dr. Mona
And he went to therapy as well. And unpacked a lot from his childhood that now he’s this, you know, he literally we use the terminology in her child a lot in our house. Yeah, it’s a real thing. And I have said this and we talked about this at the beginning. It has made us better parents, better communicators for each other, for ourselves.

00;21;28;22 – 00;21;45;13
Dr. Mona
It has just been a positive impact. And I love, yes, that, you know, empowering parents through this book. And you also talk about in the book and you mentioned it already in this conversation, parenting from a place of connection. You know, you talked about how when we understand this, we can better show up for our children and understand where they’re coming from.

00;21;45;20 – 00;21;51;28
Dr. Mona
How does parenting from a place of connection differ from traditional parenting approaches that we may know of?

00;21;52;01 – 00;22;24;00
Bryana Kappadakunnel
So traditional parenting approaches, the traditional parenting paradigm connection is secondary. What’s actually more important in that kind of mentality is a child’s compliance. And and and and and honoring the hierarchy on seeing the parent as an authority figure who is to be listened to. And, you know, the child is to be submissive to, to. And the idea it’s not I don’t want to like paint it as this like negative, bad evil thing.

00;22;24;03 – 00;22;46;24
Bryana Kappadakunnel
The idea is that I am your parent. I know what is best for you, and I, I have a path for you that I expect you to take. And if you veer off that path, then I can use whatever measure necessary to get you back on the path that I feel is fit for you. So that’s really my interpretation of the traditional parenting paradigm.

00;22;46;24 – 00;23;16;24
Bryana Kappadakunnel
It’s high structure, you know, very authoritarian, almost like drill sergeant, like dictator ish, and not a whole lot of forms, not a whole lot of empathy. Now this because of this mindset and it’s usually very more behavioral based, right? Like if a kid is acting out, they just they need attention. And so the best way to get them to no longer need that is to ignore them so that they stop acting out for attention.

00;23;16;26 – 00;23;58;24
Bryana Kappadakunnel
These things have left a generation of people, struggling to meet their own emotional needs. Yeah, really feeling the wounds of emotional unavailability and emotionally immature parenting and those wounds are going to be felt in, like, rejection. And I’m not enough, and I’m a failure, and I can’t live up to other people’s expectations. And, you know, all of those motifs that you hear, a lot of people are age in their 30s and 40s, just like really struggle with now the, the then oftentimes what we’ll do is we’ll swing to the other side of the aisle.

00;23;58;26 – 00;24;25;10
Bryana Kappadakunnel
We become so overindulgent. Everything becomes about emotions, and we are so afraid of providing any kind of limit and any kind of structure, because we don’t want that child to feel stifled the way that we did. And now we’re in this permissive parenting land that is also detrimental. It’s not good for children’s mental health. What do we know children need from parents?

00;24;25;13 – 00;24;48;07
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Children need to they’re they need to feel seen. They need to feel heard. They need to feel understood. They need to feel safe. And what is the best way for us to provide that is through a ton of empathy, a ton of compassion, and also really clear, consistent limits and guidance and direction and those limits, that guidance, that direction.

00;24;48;07 – 00;25;10;13
Bryana Kappadakunnel
It expands as the child develops more responsibility and shows you that they are more emotional and they can more emotionally mature, and they can take on more things. But but you know, I this is what I mean when I talk about parenting from a connected place. I am really being very attuned and very responsive to where you are at developmentally.

00;25;10;13 – 00;25;42;08
Bryana Kappadakunnel
I’m giving you just enough of a challenge because challenge helps us grow. And that’s my job as your parent, is to be the shepherd and the guardian of your own growth process, not what I think your growth process should be, but your own growth process as as it is human to human. I so I don’t want to stifle that, but I also don’t want to make the field so broad that you feel like you have no guidance and no direction for me.

00;25;42;08 – 00;26;02;11
Bryana Kappadakunnel
So it’s really this, like kind of beautiful. I’m watching. I’m listening in the same way that like, we watch and care for a plant. Yeah. And tend to tend to a plant. We notice if something isn’t working for it and we give it what it needs, we change its environment right? We don’t say plant, you change. Yeah, right.

00;26;02;14 – 00;26;03;07
Dr. Mona
We change.

00;26;03;10 – 00;26;31;10
Bryana Kappadakunnel
That plant. Yeah. We change the environment. Children are the same way. So that’s really I feel like that’s the difference because it’s it’s more it’s more listening and then it’s adapting our response to the child based off of what, what we’re seeing. But but just to add one more thing to get there. So the reason why the book is parent yourself first because to get to that, well, everything I just described, you have to have some level of self-awareness.

00;26;31;16 – 00;26;51;19
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Yeah. You’re not going to be able to get to that if you’re not. If you haven’t done or opened the door to some of your own personal work. So the first part of the book is caring for the child within you, because I believe that when we do that, it allows us to care better for the child in front of us.

00;26;51;22 – 00;27;04;21
Dr. Mona
How can parents take responsibility for all of that? The including the emotional baggage to ensure it doesn’t negatively affect their children? After that step one of the addressing the inner child and recognizing that.

00;27;04;23 – 00;27;31;29
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Yeah. So, I think probably one of the most important things that we can do is have a self-compassion practice. So this is rooted in research. There’s plenty of literature that proves that when we have a self-compassion practice, we, we have lower stress levels. Yeah, we are less anxious. We are more in the present moment. We have we’re less depressed.

00;27;32;01 – 00;27;56;21
Bryana Kappadakunnel
We’re more forgiving. We’re just gentler. We’re kinder. So even like this idea of like, oh, I can’t ever, you know, pass along my baggage to my child, we can even soften that. I’m probably going to pass along some baggage to my child. Yeah. And I’m going to be so gentle with myself and do what I can to resist that or to to avoid that.

00;27;56;23 – 00;28;20;27
Bryana Kappadakunnel
And when my child confronts me that I’ve projected something onto them that has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them, my child is not telling me I’m a bad parent. I’m I’m still a perfectly fine, good, great parent. I’m an adequate parent. I’m also just human. And it’s okay to have it’s okay to be human.

00;28;20;27 – 00;28;42;18
Bryana Kappadakunnel
It’s okay to have tough moments. And when your child presents you with a moment of opportunity to reflect, take it. Yeah. Rather than defending yourself to your kiddo, just, you know, like my kiddo told me the other day, he was very jealous about my four year old’s birthday party, where he was treated like a king. And my four year old says, well, you never pay any attention to me.

00;28;42;21 – 00;28;57;22
Bryana Kappadakunnel
You never give me attention. He was very upset. He really believed that. And I could have taken debate. And I wanted, you know, I wanted to that immature part of me wanted to take the blame. Yeah, right. Who do you think you are? I pay all look. Look at all these photos of you I’ve taken. You know, about.

00;28;57;25 – 00;29;14;08
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Yeah, of course I wanted to to take that bait, but I didn’t. And instead I said, well, tell me more about what you mean about that. You see, I’m. I don’t give you enough attention. Where is it that you like? Tell me more like, hey, you want more of mommy? Maybe. Maybe you can make something happen for you, honey, right?

00;29;14;15 – 00;29;35;14
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Let just turned out that he was feeling very jealous of his brother. Yeah, I mean, he just. And it was in that moment. It wasn’t a reflection of my entire history of parenting him. It was just the moment. But it’s very difficult for us to just accept just a momentary feedback from a child. If we haven’t done our own work right, we will.

00;29;35;19 – 00;30;13;01
Bryana Kappadakunnel
We will often generalize that and think that the child is sharing a grand idea about who we are in totality and they aren’t. So yeah, I think that self-compassion practice is a big takeaway from the book, and it’s something I really want parents to invest time, effort, and energy into doing. It’s going to make you enjoy this process more and make you actually like being a parent, and not feel so bogged down by all the responsibility that is attached to, especially modern day parenting.

00;30;13;03 – 00;30;19;29
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Yes, there is so much responsibility that makes it kind of heavy and dreary sometimes, you know?

00;30;20;01 – 00;30;37;26
Dr. Mona
Well, I agree with that, and I think that’s part of the you know, I talk a lot about modern parenting. And then I see, like how our generation is way more stressed about this entire process than our parents ever were. Right? They did. Yes. There are many of us who have grown up in households that did not serve us in good ways in terms of, you know, emotional regulation, things like that.

00;30;37;29 – 00;31;00;11
Dr. Mona
But they’re like, I love that you brought up that that extreme shift to going to a completely permissive versus the, authority, you know, authoritative in fear of having that happen. But there is that balance. And I also love the example you just gave about your son being upset, about his siblings birthday party. And rather than going down that lack of gratitude, you’re such a brat.

00;31;00;11 – 00;31;20;11
Dr. Mona
That idea, which a lot of us tend to want to do because maybe we got that told to us when we were a child. You created what you have preach is that deeper connection during that moment. Is there any other practical tool that can help parents foster that deeper connection in vulnerable moments, whether it’s a child feeling unseen, whether it’s a tantrum or defiance?

00;31;20;13 – 00;31;24;03
Dr. Mona
Besides what you perfectly demonstrated with your son that you just asked him questions.

00;31;24;05 – 00;31;48;06
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Yeah, well, it’s it’s having a curious mindset. Right. And and the more curious you are about your own reactions, I mean, it the easier and more organic and almost effortless it becomes for you to be very curious about your child’s reaction. You know, something that I, I often remind myself is I’m not interacting with my child right now.

00;31;48;14 – 00;32;11;20
Bryana Kappadakunnel
I’m interacting with my child’s angry part. When my child sad part, or my child’s rageful part or and and what’s even beneath that part? Often it’s it’s fear. It’s it’s it’s a fear of being hurt. A fear of being misunderstood, a fear of being rejected. A fear of not being enough. Sound familiar?

00;32;11;22 – 00;32;12;17
Dr. Mona
It’s. Oh yes.

00;32;12;22 – 00;32;33;15
Bryana Kappadakunnel
It’s this is so this is what I’m trying to help parents understand that this is just part of the human condition. We wrestle with these things. And so it’s not so much of like a magical say these words and now you’re going to be this like beautiful connected parent. It’s actually more of an action. I’m going to be curious with you and and try to understand.

00;32;33;21 – 00;32;49;24
Bryana Kappadakunnel
And I’m going to show up in a really safe way. And the way that we show up in a safe way for children is we say, here, honey, dump it all out. Yeah, right. Let’s get this big old bean Legos, metaphorically speaking, and let’s just dump it all out on the floor. It’s very intimidating to do that, right?

00;32;49;24 – 00;32;53;06
Dr. Mona
Because they’re like, now I have a bunch of Legos that I have to pick up.

00;32;53;09 – 00;33;21;25
Bryana Kappadakunnel
But when we kind of have them dump this metaphorical bin of emotions out here onto the floor, now I get to show it back to you and say, okay, here’s what I’m seeing. Does that does that make sense to you? Okay. And and it makes sense because I’m also seeing this in and it’s there’s no judgment there. So instead of going into a place of judging a child or telling they shouldn’t feel this way or, or an anxious need to like, fix it, well, how do we make it go away as quickly as possible?

00;33;21;26 – 00;33;42;04
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Because I cannot tolerate this feeling, and therefore you should never tolerate it, because feelings are bad and and feelings are something that that you know, we’re not, we’re not really supposed to have. Or if you are raising a son, right. Feelings are weak, right? That’s really bad. Or if you’re a girl, don’t don’t feel certain feelings because God forbid, you get angry.

00;33;42;06 – 00;34;08;02
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Women are not allowed to be angry. They must always be mindful and demure. So so when we when we when we learn, okay, now we can actually just like dump it out and it’s it’s safe. It’s okay to dump it out. Even if it’s overwhelming, even if it feels scary. We’re doing it together. And my job is to just kind of show you back what I see going on here, and then how can we move through it?

00;34;08;04 – 00;34;27;01
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Where do we need to put our attention on something else? Do we need to spend a little bit of time just being held and rocked? Yeah. And loved and comforted. Do we need to like, take some action steps to solve this issue because you child are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do? Like, do you need me to give you some choices?

00;34;27;03 – 00;34;52;09
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Or if you’ve got some older kids, do you need me to just back off and watch your process and let you figure it out on your own and not feel me hovering and trying to control the process so much? That’s that is what I believe. Being in a connected, attuned, responsive relationship with the child really looks like it is being unafraid of what is, what the emotions are, and what is beneath them.

00;34;52;11 – 00;35;07;06
Bryana Kappadakunnel
It is helping them make sense of it, and it is giving them a clear, you know, path, helping them find find their path through it so they don’t get stuck in it. Yeah, right. Does that make sense?

00;35;07;08 – 00;35;21;16
Dr. Mona
No, I absolutely. And in terms of the book, what is the single most important takeaway you hope parents can gain from parent yourself first? For someone who’s like, I know I need to do all this, and is this book for me? What would you tell them?

00;35;21;18 – 00;35;49;27
Bryana Kappadakunnel
I think the biggest takeaway is when we are willing to self-reflect. And make sense of ourselves and find deep compassion, deep forgiveness for ourselves. We, will be able to parent the child in front of us for who they are, not who we expect them to be or who we need them to be. And when children are raised like that, they go out into the world with so much empathy and compassion and confidence.

00;35;49;29 – 00;36;22;29
Bryana Kappadakunnel
They are unafraid of other people being who they are. It creates for a more inclusive of world and creates a more, a more gentle society that that really cares about each other. Yeah. And I just I hate to say it, I just can’t think of anything that is more relevant and more important than that. Creating a generation of children who deeply care about all because they walk with a feeling of being fully cared for.

00;36;23;01 – 00;36;23;25
Dr. Mona
Yeah.

00;36;23;27 – 00;36;25;27
Bryana Kappadakunnel
So that I think it’s a big takeaway.

00;36;26;01 – 00;36;50;00
Dr. Mona
Absolutely. I feel this in the work that you’ve done even before the book. And, you know, obviously knowing you and your account and your mission, conscious, you know, conscious mommy and all of that, I think it’s so important. And that consciousness that that intentionality behind parenting. Right? I, I speak so much of that to that. There’s I feel a sometimes a, a lack or loss of intentionality thinking like we’ve talked about that there’s, you know, oh, it’s just going to happen.

00;36;50;00 – 00;37;06;06
Dr. Mona
People do this. It’s like, yeah, there’s certain things that will just kind of come into place that you don’t have to control. But this, this intentionality of wanting to parent yourself and actually wanting to meet your inner child so that you can better show up for your child, I agree, is the secret sauce of parenting. I think.

00;37;06;10 – 00;37;06;24
Bryana Kappadakunnel
I forget.

00;37;06;26 – 00;37;27;20
Dr. Mona
That like, you know, I, I knew this from before I had children, but it’s just gobsmacked in my face right now. How how important it is. And I love that you’re getting this out there and get to have this platform with this book to be able to spread this far and wide for thank you, because it’s an important message that I think so many of our generation is forgetting.

00;37;27;20 – 00;37;41;08
Dr. Mona
And that’s where they’re running into those struggles, right? They’re like, why? I’m like, why are you so like, you know, the I we’ve spoken about this before, but like one of the thing that comes to mind for me is I, you know, I deal with a lot of selective eaters, and I know that can be very stressful. You know, picky eating.

00;37;41;10 – 00;37;57;08
Dr. Mona
And then we dive into a lot of the relationship with food that the parent has from their childhood. Right? So a lot of it is not just how are you approaching picky eating, but why are you so afraid that they’re not going to eat? What are you afraid of? Why are we forcing food on them and commenting about their appearance?

00;37;57;08 – 00;38;13;20
Dr. Mona
Where is that coming from? And like you said, so much of like I would say 98% of my parenting issues I work with, with my families is coming from a place of their own past of like dealing with something from their childhood, what society has told them that they’re afraid that their child’s going to go down that path and they’re trying to protect them.

00;38;13;25 – 00;38;30;03
Dr. Mona
But inadvertently, like you said, by trying to protect them, they are over protecting and not allowing their child to be their authentic self like you’re trying to do. And I love this. I’m so proud of you. I’m proud to ask you what would be your final uplifting message for everyone tuning in today?

00;38;30;06 – 00;38;56;29
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Please, please be gentle with yourself. Please, please forgive yourself. You are. You’re entitled. You’re entitled to your own humanness. And when your humanness hits your kid in a way that you don’t feel good about, say you’re sorry and move on. Give yourself permission to move on and move forward. Your children will take note and they will do the same.

00;38;56;29 – 00;39;01;19
Bryana Kappadakunnel
And you will feel so much lighter. And yeah, for when you do.

00;39;01;22 – 00;39;12;14
Dr. Mona
Brianna, you are a delight to talk to. I am so excited for you. I’m wishing you all the best on this book, not only because I like you, but also because it is an important message of a book.

00;39;12;15 – 00;39;13;14
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Thank you, thank you.

00;39;13;19 – 00;39;20;02
Dr. Mona
Nothing but success. And where can people go to stay connected? Get your book all the deets, and I will be adding all of this to my show notes as well.

00;39;20;05 – 00;39;44;13
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Yes. So, book is at Conscious mommy.com. You’ll see bunch of buttons slash book if you want it. The exact website. All of the major retailers are there. It’s available you know internationally it’ll be translated in a couple different languages as well. And audiobook. So and I recorded the audiobook. So it’s it’s a whole listener experience. So we’ve got that.

00;39;44;13 – 00;40;07;27
Bryana Kappadakunnel
And then on Instagram is really where I primarily do my social media, but you can find me everywhere else, conscious mommy. And, I have a, my community. That’s the best way if you want like more hand-holding and more, you know, individualized and personalized support, come join my online community. I teach monthly classes and, excuse me, weekly classes and monthly parent support groups.

00;40;07;27 – 00;40;10;19
Bryana Kappadakunnel
All kinds of really great things are happening inside there.

00;40;10;21 – 00;40;19;29
Dr. Mona
I love it, I will be linking all of that. And again, thank you so much for joining us, Brianna. I cannot wait to read the book as well. And congratulations.

00;40;20;06 – 00;40;21;25
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Thank you. Mona.

00;40;21;28 – 00;40;40;19
Dr. Mona
What a powerful conversation. And this episode is such a beautiful reminder that parenting is so much more about us than it is about our kids, and that’s not something to be afraid of. It’s something to feel empowered by. People often ask me, you know, as a pediatrician, how is it working with kids? And I say it’s more about working with the parents, especially when the kids are younger.

00;40;40;19 – 00;40;59;07
Dr. Mona
How can I get through to the parent, how to undo all of the baggage that they’re bringing in to their parenting journey? Because when we do the inner work, we’re not just healing ourselves. We’re creating a ripple effect that touches our children, strengthens our relationship, and shapes future generations. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode. What resonated with you the most?

00;40;59;07 – 00;41;20;20
Dr. Mona
What’s one thing you’re taking away from this conversation? And let’s keep the discussion going head over to my socials stock talk and drop a comment on our latest post about this episode. And if this conversation spoke to you, don’t keep it to yourself. Share it on your stories and tag at Pete’s Doc Talk and act conscious mommy, you never know who in your circle might need to hear this conversation today.

00;41;20;23 – 00;41;34;29
Dr. Mona
Thank you for tuning in, for being open to growth and for being part of this community. Remember, the more you share these episodes and my content, the more people can learn about it. Have a wonderful week ahead and make sure to tune in next week for another great episode on the show. Stay well.