Many parents worry when their child seems shy. But is it actually shyness, or something more?

In this episode, we unpack the difference between a “slow to warm” temperament and an anxiety disorder. We talk about why labeling kids as shy can unintentionally limit them, how social expectations play a role, and what supportive parenting really looks like in those hesitant moments.

We discuss:

• What “slow to warm” actually means
• The key difference between temperament and anxiety
• Why the word shy can become a self-fulfilling label
• How to support kids in new or overwhelming situations
• The importance of preparation and gentle exposure
• When behavior differences across settings may signal anxiety
• Signs of selective mutism and more serious anxiety concerns
• Why evidence-based therapy should include parent involvement

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;23;08

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the follow up. I’m Doctor Mona, pediatrician mom, and this is the Monday episode where we revisit a favorite conversation in less time than it takes your child to cling to your leg at a birthday party before finally warming up and joining the fun. And today’s episode is one of my favorites to revisit, because if you know me, you know some of my favorite things to talk about are child development and behavior.

 

00;00;23;09 – 00;00;47;22

Dr. Mona

I could talk all day about that. Understanding was typical. What’s temperament and when something might need a little more support can make such a difference in how we show up for our kids. In this conversation, I sat down with Doctor Melissa Giglio, a child clinical psychologist, author, and director of a private practice. We talk about something many parents worry about, which is shyness, because some kids are naturally slow to warm up in new situations.

 

00;00;47;28 – 00;01;14;12

Dr. Mona

They may hang back at the playground. Watch before jumping in, or need a little more time at birthday parties or new environments. And that can be completely normal. But sometimes parents wonder when is it just temperament shyness? Or could it be anxiety? In this episode, we talk about why shy children are often misunderstood. The difference between a slow to warm personality and anxiety, and practical strategies to support kids who may need a little more time and reassurance in new situations.

 

00;01;14;14 – 00;01;34;23

Dr. Mona

If this episode resonates with you, make sure to download the episode shared on social media and tag at the PedsDocTalk podcast. PedsDocTalk and at Bravery Grows so we can see that you’re listening to join the conversation. Let’s get into this week’s follow up.

 

00;01;34;25 – 00;01;50;25

Dr. Mona

A lot of parents feel bad about their child being shy, you know? And I think a lot of that is because of social expectation. Or how do I get my kid to be more outgoing? And then the other thing is, is it shyness or is it something more like an anxiety condition or a situation that may need intervention?

 

00;01;51;01 – 00;01;57;09

Dr. Mona

So how would you describe a more using the term slow to warm child or shy child?

 

00;01;57;11 – 00;02;17;09

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

So I think that’s the perfect description. So a little child will go to the new situation. They’ll go to the birthday party. They’ll enter the activity, but they’ll be hesitant to participate, to join in the more reluctant. So unlike the normal personality, they need that time to settle. And they consistently show that they need that time for that.

 

00;02;17;11 – 00;02;38;20

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

But the thing with little warm kids is they always warm up. So there’s a point where they are able to do it, and you see them kind of get into the flow, be able to join in and have fun with other kids. Anxious kids, on the other hand, will consistently be anxious. So they’re the kids who will really want to be joining in and will then the party will end.

 

00;02;38;21 – 00;02;54;27

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

They never go to a random play, or they never were able to speak to another kid, or they couldn’t speak up. If someone tried to take their toy and say, I was playing with that, or can I join in that game? And that’s really the biggest difference there is that they’re not able to be themselves in those situations.

 

00;02;54;27 – 00;03;24;07

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

They are usually very different than they are at home when they’re in different contexts. And, you know, when we see that difference in our kids, that discrepancy in their behavior, that’s when we can really say, this feels like too much anxiety. This feels like this is more than just, oh, they’re shy. And the term shy just kind of makes me always cringe because, yeah, throw around that statement so much and it can be really harming to kids because it becomes an identifier to them and they might be just slow to warm.

 

00;03;24;07 – 00;03;41;28

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

They just need their time as opposed to being shy, like, oh, don’t be shy. Oh it’s okay. You’re just shy. And they hear it, they hear it, and then they internalize it, and then it starts to become almost their excuse for why they’re not doing things is, oh, I’m just shy. And you’ve already limited them before they even have a chance.

 

00;03;42;01 – 00;03;58;03

Dr. Mona

Oh, it’s like labels in general. I understand to some degree. In a medical perspective, labels can be helpful to get resources like if for, you know, for other reasons. But it’s like picky eating, like I hate when people say, oh, my kid’s so picky because it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? They the one time that they’re shy and then they’re shy again.

 

00;03;58;03 – 00;04;20;21

Dr. Mona

Oh, look at her being shy again. And I am married to a shy husband. Meaning, when he was a child, he was very shy. And he had parents who didn’t foster that shyness and really shamed him for being shy. Why aren’t you talking? Why don’t you go to this person, say hi to this person, and even to this day in his 40s, it causes him anxiety.

 

00;04;20;21 – 00;04;42;02

Dr. Mona

Like he thinks about that childhood understanding. And we’re trying to raise our children very differently. And so I do believe that it’s important that we squash that terminology and understand I like the slow to warm terminology, because it is ownership over the fact that they just need that time. How are shy children or their situations that they’re in misunderstood that you’ve seen?

 

00;04;42;04 – 00;05;05;20

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

So they’re misunderstood because they’re already labeled before they’ve even had a chance to really show what they can do. And then when they continue to show that kind of behavior in similar situations, that becomes kind of how everyone knows them. And then it just kind of reinforce that way. And, you know, again, it’s almost like name calling culture where like the other kids will hear it, oh, they’re just shy or they’re they’re not going to talk to you.

 

00;05;05;22 – 00;05;23;06

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

And then again, they just feel like they’re kind of pigeonholed into this position. So if they behave differently, then they start to be worried about what are people going to say? What if people don’t notice them doing this? Well, they make a big deal. And you’re really kind of creating a bigger problem than necessary, as opposed to it’s okay to take your time.

 

00;05;23;06 – 00;05;45;03

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

You can join us whenever you’re ready, which gives that entry. It gives that space. And, you know, I always wonder about those little, kids. How are they prepared for the situation? Like, if you do have a hard time warming up in situations, have you supported them by doing things like getting there early, by talking about what they can expect?

 

00;05;45;03 – 00;06;06;12

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

Somewhat. Not too many details, but a little bit of that preview and front loading of what to expect, where you’re going to be, how much fun it’s going to be to see your friends kind of helping them get excited so they can really overcome that initial hesitation and hopefully warm up faster. And the more they go into those situations, and the more you practice with them and rehearse with them.

 

00;06;06;12 – 00;06;25;17

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

How to say happy birthday when they walk in, they’re going to get better at it, and then they’re going to have an easier time every time they do it, as opposed to that shame of why are you doing this? Go, go play with your friends. Why are you standing by shame, shame, shame and making them feel like there’s something wrong with them for not being ready yet.

 

00;06;25;19 – 00;06;47;09

Dr. Mona

They were trying to foster this growth mentality, and if we’re kind of squashing them and saying, why not? Why not? It can be very stressful and add to more anxiety like that. Social anxiety. I don’t even want to go here because every time I go here, I’m being forced, like I’m giving my husband’s example to do things that don’t make me comfortable and don’t have a caregiver who’s my safe space to, like, go to, you know, they’re they’re telling me, run, run, run.

 

00;06;47;14 – 00;06;53;02

Dr. Mona

What would be other strategies to support that flow to warm kid? As a parent or caregiver.

 

00;06;53;05 – 00;07;11;13

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

I think being comfortable with and understanding your discomfort with your kid taking that time, I think it’s a big one like that. Dads absolutely example of like they’re the only one who’s out there. Why are they doing this? Like, you know, harassing for you? Is this something you struggled with. And that’s, you know, you’re identifying too much and you don’t want your kid to have that struggle.

 

00;07;11;20 – 00;07;29;21

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

Like, whatever it is, that’s not about your kid, it’s about you. So just kind of, again, checking in with yourself a little bit about what’s wrong with this. Like, it’s not unusual for a young kid to need time. Like that’s part of them being observant. That’s part of them checking out the lay of the land and figuring out how to approach.

 

00;07;29;24 – 00;07;54;06

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

And they might need some of that support, saying, I’ll walk over with you to go see this. And they might still be reluctant, but the more that you just start making them feel comfortable by talking about what’s around you, talking about what you’re noticing, and talking about how they’re moving closer to other people. You’re again, helping them enter this situation in a really, you know, nice way that’s not directing them at that, commanding them.

 

00;07;54;06 – 00;08;14;07

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

It’s over. Making them answer, what’s wrong? Why don’t you feel comfortable, you know, going to come up with an excuse for you if you continue to ask them that question? So a lot of times and they’re that little they don’t know. They just they’re just not feeling safe. They’re feeling a little scared. They’re feeling intimidated. They might be feeling all of those things, but they’re not sure.

 

00;08;14;07 – 00;08;31;06

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

So what we want to do is just give them that time to kind of grow that bravery, to be like, Maybe I’ll go over there, maybe I can grab this toy and play with it a little bit. Maybe I can go out with a friend if they come over and ask me to play. You know, it kind of gives them that time in that space and that opportunity to do it.

 

00;08;31;08 – 00;08;42;20

Dr. Mona

And when is it more than just this, you know, very normal temperament, personality that we see. We’re talking about the shyness or slow to warm. And when is it start to become more of an anxiety condition.

 

00;08;42;20 – 00;09;02;09

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

Yeah, I think is when it’s really very different from their typical functioning. So I specialize in a particular type of anxiety disorder where kids are usually very bossy, very talkative at home. Like they kind of rule the roost and they’ll they’re super confident. And then they get into school where they get into social situations and they stop talking altogether.

 

00;09;02;16 – 00;09;20;08

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

And, you know, again, the sort of, kids, kids who are transitioning to a new school year, they’ll be fine within a month. They’ll be more like their normal self. There’s that honeymoon where everyone’s kind of feeling it out for the kid with selective mutism will not speak for an entire year. They will not talk to another kid.

 

00;09;20;11 – 00;09;39;18

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

They won’t answer questions when they’re being spoken to. Sometimes they won’t eat or drink. That is exactly the problem is, you know, a lot of times our kids, we don’t find out about this until it’s happened for a few months because, you know, your kid at home, you see them when they’re comfortable. You don’t get to see them when they’re in preschool or in school all day.

 

00;09;39;24 – 00;09;59;25

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

And a lot of times teachers are kind of giving them space, so they’ll let it go for a while. And then the matrix author, is this their first language or you ask it and you’re like, they talk all the time. And that’s just an indicator to us that this is more than just they’re shy, when it’s constantly happening, it’s intense.

 

00;09;59;25 – 00;10;21;17

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

Someone approaches them in public, or when a waiter comes to the table, you see their their behavior just kind of change. In those situations, it might look like a deer in headlights and it’s not crying being kind of it’s more like tense inside affects. And that’s really the indicator that, you know, it’s more than just them being reserved or slower to warm.

 

00;10;21;17 – 00;10;29;03

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

This is something that’s really starting to impact who they are as an individual, when they’re comfortable and when they’re not.

 

00;10;29;05 – 00;10;39;00

Dr. Mona

And if a parent is seeing those signs, the best option obviously would be getting in line with a therapist or, you know, obviously speaking to their pediatrician to direct them to the right resources.

 

00;10;39;03 – 00;10;58;18

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

Absolutely. And so for an anxiety disorder, make sure you’re going to a child specialist who specializes in anxiety to make sure they’re getting the right treatment, like you want them to be doing evidence based treatment. You want it to be effective. I think there’s a lot of concerns about, you know, therapist and, you know, oh, I should definitely take him to play therapy for everything.

 

00;10;58;22 – 00;11;25;00

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

And really, with kids, all therapy has play because they’re kids. It’s it’s supposed to be positive and fun and engaging because we do work. But it has to be in the context of making them feel confident. And that typically is in the context of playing games and interacting with them with all of our strategies woven in. And the other thing is, therapy should always include a parent component because you with your kid all the time.

 

00;11;25;02 – 00;11;53;01

Dr. Melissa Giglio 

So you are one of the most important agents of change, so you need to be involved in the process. You should be learning skills for how you can be working and supporting this at home. You know this is not you. Drop your four year old off in the therapist room and you know, hey, work some magic. This is, you know, so it’s a supportive group that together we’re there to really help build up this area that’s really tricky for them.

 

00;11;53;04 – 00;12;14;14

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;12;14;21 – 00;12;30;04

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.