A new baby creates new roles…a parent, of course, but also a grandparent. A happy family dynamic starts with proactive discussions before a baby is even born about the roles both parents and grandparents will have, and everyone’s expectations. This week, I welcome Dee Dee Moore, a grandparenting expert, to discuss how to foster healthy relationships and promote open communication between new parents and their parents.

 

She joins me to discuss:

• The need for effective communication between grandparents and parents
• How discussing roles and expectations early on is important for a positive relationship
• The pressures modern parents face from abundant information and social media

 

To connect with Dee Dee Moore follow her on Instagram @morethangrand and check out all her resources at morethangrand.com and get her New Grandparent Essentials Guide

 

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and subscribe to PedsDocTalk TV.

 

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships page of the website.

00;00;00;02 – 00;00;25;19
DeeDee Moore
I mean, I’ll be honest, it’s really hard. And I think that the more that you come to the conversation with the with the goal being to work things out, to have an enduring relationship and to make it possible for grandparents to be a part of your grandchild’s life, of their grandchild’s life, then I think that that if you have that as a goal, you can work things out.

00;00;25;21 – 00;00;42;18
DeeDee Moore
If your goal is just to control the way your child is raised, then it’s going to be much harder to, get grandparents working with you. If, if you, if you if part of your goal isn’t to bring them into the relationship.

00;00;42;21 – 00;01;02;05
Dr. Mona
Welcome back to the show. I’m your host, doctor Mona. And the Pete’s Dog Talk podcast is getting close to being on air for four years. Thanks for being here. Your reviews, your shares, your comments, all of this makes the show possible. So thank you. Today we’re diving into a topic that many parents navigate with mixed emotions setting boundaries with grandparents.

00;01;02;05 – 00;01;29;17
Dr. Mona
It’s a tricky balance between respecting the role grandparents may play and ensuring that your parenting choices are honored. We’re joined today by a very special guest, Deedee Moore, who is a grandmother herself, helping bridge the gap for grandparents with online resources and a social media following on Instagram as at more than grand. As we unpack this grandparent parent grandchild dynamic, it’s important to acknowledge that family dynamics can sometimes be challenging.

00;01;29;19 – 00;01;58;10
Dr. Mona
I’ve personally been there myself and want to offer a few tips before we dive in. Number one, understand your own triggers. Parenting can unintentionally reopen old wounds or stir unresolved feelings from childhood. Recognizing these triggers helps us respond thoughtfully rather than emotionally. Number two identify non-negotiables with grandparents. It’s essential to determine the boundaries that matter most to you and communicate them respectfully but firmly.

00;01;58;12 – 00;02;17;26
Dr. Mona
Number three choosing your battles. Not every comment or action needs to lead to conflict. Learning to let some things go can create a more peaceful dynamic, but it really goes down to also understanding your non-negotiables so that you know what boundaries are important to you and what you’re going to hold strong to. Number four, staying calm and collected.

00;02;17;28 – 00;02;41;27
Dr. Mona
Reacting with anger rarely resolves tensions from either side. Taking a moment to breathe before responding can help you express yourself more effectively. And five involve the grandparents. Even with boundaries, finding meaningful ways to involve grandparents can help them feel valued while still respecting your parenting approach. But let’s also be real that family dynamics don’t always lend themselves to smooth resolutions.

00;02;42;00 – 00;03;02;20
Dr. Mona
If you’ve made efforts to set boundaries but aren’t seeing cooperation, it’s okay to reassess. Ultimately, you have to decide what’s best for your immediate family’s health and mental well-being, even if it means taking a step back re addressing the involvement that family members may have in your child’s life or in your life. This conversation isn’t about creating divides.

00;03;02;20 – 00;03;12;22
Dr. Mona
It’s about fostering understanding, reducing friction, and prioritizing what’s best for everyone, especially your kids. Let’s dive in. Thank you so much for joining me today.

00;03;12;24 – 00;03;18;03
DeeDee Moore
Oh, thank you for having me, Doctor Mona. I’m excited to be here and talk about grandparenting and parenting.

00;03;18;10 – 00;03;38;06
Dr. Mona
I’m excited because, you know, on social media, there’s so many people educating, but there’s not a lot of people doing what you’re doing, which is helping bridge that gap. You know, the grandparents are here. This is the first time they are grandparents for many of them. And you you know, you posted recently when a child is born, a grandparent is also born, right?

00;03;38;06 – 00;03;49;12
Dr. Mona
And it’s a completely different experience than being a parent. And I think a lot of grandparents don’t realize it. So tell me more about yourself and your inspiration for creating more than Grand.

00;03;49;15 – 00;04;22;26
DeeDee Moore
So I am a mom of four. Grandmother of three. When my first grandson was born, I still had one. My daughter had literally graduated from high school the day before, so I shifted gears from parent or grandparent overnight. But when I became a grandparent, I realized I couldn’t find resources on how to really support parents. Yeah. All of the grandparent websites that I found were really focused on activities with the grandkids or, or else just kind of lifestyle blogs for people that were grandparent age.

00;04;22;26 – 00;04;45;02
DeeDee Moore
Right. But I couldn’t find something that really focused on how to form the good relationship with parents so that you can be supportive and have a good relationship with your grandkids. So I spent a lot of years as a military wife. My husband was active duty Marine Corps for a lot of years, and I learned there that if you need something that you can’t find, you figure out a way to make it.

00;04;45;02 – 00;05;01;18
DeeDee Moore
So I, I started, a website. I had been working as a communications consultant, and I realized that that was the key. That was missing was was communication tools to help parents and grandparents bridge that gap.

00;05;01;21 – 00;05;11;16
Dr. Mona
And I love that. And in your community, whether the blog or social media are more, most of them grandparents or parents wanting to get resources for their parents.

00;05;11;22 – 00;05;32;19
DeeDee Moore
It’s it’s it’s about 5050 on social media. So, yeah, which is wonderful. And I love that there are so many parents who are wanting to help their parents navigate grand parenthood. I think grandparents don’t realize that it is a brand new thing. I mean, when we were parents, we can do this, but it’s different.

00;05;32;21 – 00;05;45;18
Dr. Mona
And that’s, I guess, my first question, right? What do you think fellow grandparents struggle the most when it comes to taking on this new role and all the guidance? And how is it different, maybe from your own personal experience or from the community and what they’re telling you?

00;05;45;24 – 00;06;13;00
DeeDee Moore
Well, I think that one of the things that we have trouble with as a society, as parents is knowing when to let go. Right. Knowing when to to say I need to step back and let my child navigate this, whether it’s, you know, letting your five year old take the bus to school or, or letting your son and daughter in law muddle through those early days of parenthood without you guiding them.

00;06;13;00 – 00;06;28;12
DeeDee Moore
Right? Yeah. So I think that stepping back is a really hard thing for anyone as a parent. When you’re a grandparent, you have to really step back because you’ve got to let them be adults and let the parents be 100% in charge of that child.

00;06;28;14 – 00;06;46;04
Dr. Mona
And that can be so hard for a lot of grandparents. I mean, I love that you were coming on because, you know, we are so blessed to have two sets of grandparents still alive. You know, my husband’s family, my husband’s parents and my own parents. And we’ve also struggled with that, you know, them letting go. And we have four, four people, right?

00;06;46;04 – 00;07;13;25
Dr. Mona
The my mom, my mom, my dad, his mom, his dad, and two of them really struggle with the letting go. Two of them have really understood what it means to just let us have let us be. But it can be really hard, you know, trying to from our and allowing them into our home, allowing them to have this experience, but also, you know, making them feel like they that we’re being listened to, right, that we can be the parent, that we can do what we want and know that if we need their help, that we will ask them for it.

00;07;13;25 – 00;07;34;13
Dr. Mona
And and, you know, a lot of what my community struggles with is a lot of the unsolicited, unsolicited advice from the grandparent, right. Or the judgment from the grandparent or the big comment I hear, well, that’s not what we did for you. And so what, you know, going on that on that topic like that, well, that’s not what we did for you.

00;07;34;16 – 00;07;44;11
Dr. Mona
How do you think that’s changed and evolved? You know, I know safety is one of them. But how has this approach just look different now compared to when, you know, you were raising children?

00;07;44;13 – 00;08;12;07
DeeDee Moore
There is such a big difference, and so much of it is just the volume of information that, you know, to parents now. You know, when I was a parent, I had a couple of books. I had my pediatrician. I had my mom. Like, those were my resources. Yeah. And so a lot of what we did as parents was done on the advice of our, our, our parents or on our gut.

00;08;12;07 – 00;08;27;28
DeeDee Moore
Right? Or maybe our gut told us, yes, that’s good. Or I don’t want to do it the way they did. But we trusted our instincts. And I think parents today have a lot more trouble trusting their instincts, because there is so much more information out there.

00;08;28;00 – 00;08;44;12
Dr. Mona
Cosigned. Deedee. Cosign. I was just going to ask, you know, like I was going to ask you, like, how do you think parenting is different now from what you’re observing versus, you know, what was going on? And if you want to dive into that a little bit deeper into why you feel that way. Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors.

00;08;44;14 – 00;08;54;00
DeeDee Moore
Well, I think, you know, just look at social media. Let’s just start there. Right. There are 100 different ways that this is the right way to do parenting.

00;08;54;06 – 00;08;55;03
Dr. Mona
Yes.

00;08;55;05 – 00;09;14;28
DeeDee Moore
You know, the bottom line is I have the perspective now to know. And I had the I don’t want to say wisdom, but the the trust in my own self to know that there were lots of ways to do parenting. There were lots of ways to raise a child that would be healthy and a contributing adult when they when they got to that point.

00;09;15;01 – 00;09;35;04
DeeDee Moore
I think parents today really feel this pressure that I have to do things the right way with this child, whether it’s feeding, sleeping, whatever it is. Yeah. There is one way to do it, and it’s right. And it’s because this person on the internet said that it’s right. And I think that that’s one thing that I love about your account so much is that it’s very evidence based.

00;09;35;04 – 00;09;50;28
DeeDee Moore
Right? So many of these parents are following accounts that are, you know, just somebody really attractive who has wonderful children and is a great camera. And, you know, that’s not necessarily the best place to be getting your advice on on how to be a parent.

00;09;51;04 – 00;10;16;16
Dr. Mona
And, you know, it’s so much more to me. It’s about evidence, but it’s also about the nuance of the situation. Right? I mean, it’s the fact that one of the biggest things I try to try to employ on my, on my following is part of being a good parent is struggling and figuring out how to pivot. So like I give the example that the other day, like, like basically the weekend my son had this major meltdown that he’s never had before and none of our strategies.

00;10;16;21 – 00;10;31;00
Dr. Mona
And I’m talking someone who talks about tantrums, parenting, none of them were working. And what did me and my husband do? Did we get online and start looking at videos or things? No. We turned to each other and we said, what do you want to do? What should we do right now? How do you want to approach this?

00;10;31;00 – 00;10;48;21
Dr. Mona
And we both said like, we don’t know. Like, let’s figure it out. Let’s give him some space. Maybe let’s take him here or do this. And to us that was part of parenting. And I think that’s what I feel has been lost in our generation. And what my mom and dad I think did better at is the you didn’t have all these the over information.

00;10;48;21 – 00;11;07;21
Dr. Mona
You didn’t have people telling you, well, if you walk away from your child, you’re abandoning them and they’re going to have trauma. Now, you had you working with the situation you were in, right? Like, hey, here we are, where my child is melting down. And what makes sense for my value system and what makes sense versus, well, you know, this account told me that if I did this, it’s going to be wrong.

00;11;07;26 – 00;11;28;03
Dr. Mona
And that to me is such a beautiful part of parenting is learning the pivoting, which, like you said, when there is over information, you lose those instincts. You lose the ability to say, well, this has been done for generations. And like you said, right. And it’s tapping back into that and saying, yeah, well, so many people have managed this.

00;11;28;03 – 00;11;38;10
Dr. Mona
I’m not alone. And maybe I gotta just figure it out. Maybe there’s not it’s not going to be clear cut. Maybe there’s no one blog that’s going to tell me what to do, but I can take information from many different things to figure it out.

00;11;38;17 – 00;12;02;06
DeeDee Moore
Absolutely. Yeah. And I think that, you know, I hope that there will be a swing, that the parents will realize that it’s worth trusting themselves of, worth figuring things out. And grandparents, you know, I think perhaps that’s part of the problem for grandparents right now, too, is because they, they, they see that parents aren’t trying to figure things out on, you know, aren’t trusting their instincts.

00;12;02;06 – 00;12;27;27
DeeDee Moore
Right. And so they want to step in and help them by offering really what is often valuable advice. And so it’s, you know, it’s hard it’s hard as a grandparent to, to know that your advice is not valued whatsoever because these strangers on the internet are the ones. But you’re, you’re, you’re, you know, your kids are listening to.

00;12;28;00 – 00;12;46;09
Dr. Mona
And so when it comes to that, you know, obviously this generational difference that when you were, you know, past generations had very limited resources, which I don’t think is a bad thing, I really don’t. I actually think people think that it’s bad, but it’s actually really good. And then now we’re you’re competing with this over information and also misinformation and fear, which I don’t.

00;12;46;10 – 00;12;58;24
Dr. Mona
The biggest thing for me is the fear mongering. It’s the you are damaging your child. When is it really going to be damage? How do you recommend families addressing them? Maybe from the parents lens and from the grandparents lens?

00;12;58;27 – 00;13;23;04
DeeDee Moore
Oh big question. Yeah. So from the parents I think the first thing they need well actually for either side you have to come together with for a conversation wanting, knowing what you want out of it. Right. Like, so if you want to come and talk about a specific thing before you even come to that conversation, think, okay, what what are what are some of the results that might happen from this conversation?

00;13;23;04 – 00;13;47;16
DeeDee Moore
What do I want you to be and how can I find out what the other person wants from this conversation? Right. So always leading with letting the other person talk, you know, approaching the subject and saying, hey, I’d really like to talk to you about the way you are letting you know, junior, stay up late when he’s at your house.

00;13;47;21 – 00;14;04;12
DeeDee Moore
Yeah. Can you tell me why it’s hard for you to get him to bed on time? Well, that opens it up for the grandparent in that, you know, in that case, to share their side of the story before they’ve even been told. You can’t do this anymore, right?

00;14;04;15 – 00;14;28;11
Dr. Mona
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Because then it doesn’t it just closes off and creates, I think, a little more animosity and a little less ability to be on the same page. When I think we could reach a little bit closer of a compromise, you know, like, maybe it’s not like you’re going to do the exact same routine that I do t to t to t like, okay, this is going to happen, but maybe you can try to reach that and maybe put to bed a little bit half an hour later, have a little fun.

00;14;28;11 – 00;14;46;18
Dr. Mona
But come to that common ground which I think parents often struggle with. And I guess in your experience, do you feel do you feel that parents struggle, parents are struggling to set that boundary or communicating those boundaries, or that grandparents are not amenable to those boundaries, or a combination of the of the two?

00;14;46;20 – 00;15;05;13
DeeDee Moore
I think it’s probably a combination of the two. I do think that one, one thing that parents are doing that makes it really hard for grandparents is they’re just coming in with this really strict list of Right. It’s like this is how it has to be done. And if you don’t do that and you know they’re threatening them with not being able to see their grandchildren.

00;15;05;20 – 00;15;42;04
DeeDee Moore
Yeah. Things like you know dessert. Right. And and I think that the, the hard hard stance that parents are taking makes it very hard as a grandparent to feel like you have any agency at all in the relationship. Yeah. So I think a lot of parents are approaching things just much too harshly. On the other hand, grandparents are also, you know, wanting to say we’re getting these messages from from the internet, from everywhere, from society about spoiling your grandchildren.

00;15;42;04 – 00;16;07;25
DeeDee Moore
Right. That is the overriding thing when somebody says, oh, you know, I’m going to be a grandmother. I can’t wait to spoil that baby. Well, the the message has evolved to mean that we don’t have to follow the rules. Right. And there’s all sorts of messages. That’s what we’re getting from social media and from from society. And so it makes it really, really hard as a grandparent because we’re getting messages that are very damaging.

00;16;07;25 – 00;16;22;17
DeeDee Moore
Right? Yeah. That is not the way to approach being a grandparent. It is not, you know, grandma’s house, grandma’s rules is not a great way to to live your life as a grandparent. And so it’s a really, really hard place to be in.

00;16;22;20 – 00;16;41;16
Dr. Mona
Oh, I love that you brought both perspectives, because yes, I think the itemized list of this needs to happen. This needs to happen doesn’t allow for any freedom of autonomy to be that fun grandparent, if you will. And then on the flip side, what you just mentioned about the spoiling the baby, when we come into that mentality that I’m just going to do what I want, it’s fun time with grandma.

00;16;41;20 – 00;17;05;28
Dr. Mona
It doesn’t allow the parent to feel like they have a place of that. Some of my rules are going to be followed, right? There’s no you’re literally already putting both everyone on like this opposite spectrum when the balance and I think, you know, we’ve struggled with this too. And I think one of the biggest things my husband and I had to discuss was what are our non-negotiables like truly with our grandparents, not our non-negotiables in our home, because those are going to look different, right?

00;17;06;03 – 00;17;25;16
Dr. Mona
So for me and my husband, the biggest things for me as a pediatrician was safety, right? So, car seat safety, safety, when, you know, safe sleep because that’s not always done. So safety was really important from a other perspective. I really want a healthy relationship with food. I really want healthy relationship with, you know, body image and all of that.

00;17;25;16 – 00;17;48;17
Dr. Mona
But my parent, the, you know, the in-laws, the parents, they have they have ingrained belief systems on finishing your plate, you know, all that stuff that I don’t I may not agree with. So my husband and I had a discussion of like, okay, how much are they spending time with the grandparents? Because if it’s that they’re spending time like a week or two, two days, they’re not going to undo the foundational skills that me and my husband have created.

00;17;48;17 – 00;18;07;00
Dr. Mona
And then, yes, enjoy, have more sweets, have that. But if it’s like grandma and grandpa are like the the secondary caregiver and they’re always involved in, maybe there needs to be a little bit more balance for the child, right? So it’s not like they’re just getting free rein and then they don’t know the consistency. Like, well, I’m getting sweets and no routine at all at grandma’s.

00;18;07;00 – 00;18;15;16
Dr. Mona
And then I come home and you guys are telling me you got to do this. So I think that also matters too, right? Like how much are the grandparents involved? What is the value system and all that?

00;18;15;19 – 00;18;34;07
DeeDee Moore
I’m so glad you brought that up because it’s so true. And I think that that’s another thing that parents struggle with often is like, well, this is this is the way we want to raise our child. Great. If the grandparents are seeing them, you know, two weeks a year, you’re right. They’re not going to undo everything you’ve done the rest.

00;18;34;07 – 00;18;51;09
Dr. Mona
Of the time. I mean they may reset them back to their factory settings. I love that expression right. So when opposed to that like they go to grandma’s and then they, you know, reset it back to factory settings and you’ll have to reprogram them when you come back. Listen, that’s happened to us. We’ve had like like literally my my son with sweets and screen time.

00;18;51;09 – 00;19;07;15
Dr. Mona
Right. He comes back and we don’t mind screen time and sweets, but it’s on overload at the grandparents house and we know and as he gets older though, when it gets easier to reset him back to the routine in the house, like when he was two and a half, it was harder. But now that he’s five, almost, he goes, he comes back.

00;19;07;15 – 00;19;23;08
Dr. Mona
It’s like four days of bootcamp trying to like get him back. But but what did we get from it? We got him to have loving time with his grandparents. Like, so that’s what we kind of look at it as is that is this a negative? Like you don’t listen to me thing, or is it that there’s more benefit than there is negative?

00;19;23;08 – 00;19;32;11
Dr. Mona
And that’s, I think, what a lot of our generation makes sometimes lose when they try to incorporate grandparents who are quote unquote, not listening to every single rule that they come up with.

00;19;32;13 – 00;19;33;11
DeeDee Moore
Yeah, right.

00;19;33;14 – 00;19;36;08
Dr. Mona
Yeah. And that’s, that’s I think the struggle and I’m sure you see that.

00;19;36;10 – 00;19;38;16
DeeDee Moore
Oh, completely.

00;19;38;18 – 00;19;59;06
Dr. Mona
And in terms of like, strategies like that you found helpful for setting boundaries with family members, the biggest thing I think, that I try to strive for, which is not always easy, is still creating boundaries with family members or grandparents, but also maintaining respect and understanding across the generations. So how do you think both sides can do that?

00;19;59;08 – 00;20;26;19
DeeDee Moore
So that it’s really hard. I mean, I’ll be honest, it’s really hard. And I think that the more that you come to the conversation with the with the goal being to work things out, to have an enduring relationship and to make it possible for grandparents to be a part of your grandchild’s life, of their grandchild’s life, then I think that that if you have that as a goal, you can work things out.

00;20;26;22 – 00;20;43;26
DeeDee Moore
If your goal is just to control the way your child is raised, then it’s going to be much harder to, get grandparents working with you. Yeah. If, if you if you if part of your goal isn’t to bring them into the relationship.

00;20;43;29 – 00;21;01;05
Dr. Mona
Absolutely. I mean, there has to be an understanding of what the common ground will be. And I think that’s so that’s so key in your work and, you know, your people that you, in your community, you talked about how it’s gotten to the point sometimes that maybe the parent doesn’t want to have the grandparent in their life or they’ll say, well, you can’t see them anymore.

00;21;01;11 – 00;21;16;22
Dr. Mona
Have you created any phrases or works so that there can be more cohesiveness when it gets to that point of like the threats and the, well, you’re not going to be involved, or is it just such a, you know, complicated topic? There? Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors.

00;21;16;24 – 00;21;40;06
DeeDee Moore
Yeah, that that that is a little bit beyond my expertise, to be honest with you. Which is why I really, really I’m trying to reach expectant grandparents and brand new grandparents so that the conversations can start before they get to that point. Yeah. The resources that I’ve created are really geared towards brand new grandparents so that those patterns can start out positive from the beginning.

00;21;40;08 – 00;21;59;03
Dr. Mona
And so starting from that beginning, obviously I don’t want to give too much, all the information, but like, what would you say to a new grandparent listening or maybe a parent who’s listening. And we can start with the grandparent. What would you say would be the best step to create a healthy relationship with the parent? And then their obviously their grandkid as well in that that dynamic.

00;21;59;06 – 00;22;17;18
DeeDee Moore
I think every new grandparent, everybody, when they’re going to be a grandparent, should go to parents and say, hey, here’s what I would love to do. As a grandparent. I’ve always wanted to be able to do these things. How does that fit in with your view of what you want as a grandparent for your your child? I love it.

00;22;17;18 – 00;22;39;17
DeeDee Moore
Start the conversation from there and then go on to how can I support you as a parent? Because I you know, what I say to grandparents all the time is supporting parents, is your number one job as a grandparent. And once you have established how you can support parents and help them out and be there for them, everything’s going to be easier.

00;22;39;19 – 00;23;01;26
Dr. Mona
Yeah. And the reason I love what you just said, the you know, you just literally put it into the the parents responsibility in a healthy way. What I mean by that is, you know, when I even when I went through traumatic, a traumatic delivery, every single person is experiencing something different, right. So to me, going through trauma, me being a parent is much different than someone who may have gone through the exact same traumatic experience because we’re all different.

00;23;01;26 – 00;23;26;22
Dr. Mona
So I, I didn’t want certain things, but that other person may want it. So putting the onus on the parent, like saying, hey, what is it that you need from me? And I love that phrase, what every grandparent should approach like in terms of how do you see me fitting into this is such a healthy phrase because that is where I think the communication is lacking, because if you don’t have that, you go in blind and you’re like, well, I don’t know what my role is here.

00;23;26;22 – 00;23;48;04
Dr. Mona
And I saw that happen with my, my mom and my older sister. You know, I saw that, that there was no communication there. And there was it really kind of created a volatile relationship. And it was unfortunate, right. Where there wasn’t a strong relationship with the grandkids. And I do want that to happen for my mom, that she gets a little bit more of a different experience with my children.

00;23;48;07 – 00;24;14;09
Dr. Mona
And I think I’m going to use that more. You know, you just taught me something beautifully. Like, I speak to my mom a lot about showing up in that, but, like, mom, what do you want? Like what? Because I think another thing that comes up is we often feel that I think my generation, and especially a lot of my peers, have this expectation of what a grandparent is going to do, meaning we ourselves will say, well, oh, yeah, they’re going to take care of the kids and they’re going to be following my rules.

00;24;14;09 – 00;24;31;04
Dr. Mona
And that’s not always the case. And so then when you see the grandparents not doing that, it’s an unmet expectation. And then there’s resentment and a grudge when. But if you lay it out there like my mom and dad are not fun grandparents, I’m not I love them, but they’re not the type to just take initiative and take the kids out.

00;24;31;04 – 00;24;48;09
Dr. Mona
You need to kind of tell them what to do. Whereas my in-laws will just say, hey, let’s go to the park. And so knowing that, it makes us less frustrated when my parents come to visit where I’m I don’t expect them to take I create an itinerary and say, hey, if you want to take Ryan to the museum, and then after take him to the park.

00;24;48;09 – 00;25;08;10
Dr. Mona
And it makes everyone happier because there’s guidance, there’s less resentment, there’s less unmet. Communicate because we actually know each other’s style. And I love what you said that. And then in terms of the parent, what what do you wish every parent would ask their grandparent or, you know, the parent? You know, the grandparent of the child or of how would they would approach them?

00;25;08;12 – 00;25;38;11
DeeDee Moore
I would say that parents should go again before that baby’s born, ideally, and say, hey, have you thought about what how you’d like to be involved? Yeah. Here are some ways that would be really helpful to me. Have those conversations upfront. Just establishing that pattern of communication, just establishing the fact that you want to talk about things is going to do so much for your relationship for the rest of your life, quite honestly.

00;25;38;11 – 00;26;03;02
DeeDee Moore
And that was, you know, one of the things that I, I have a guide called New Grandparent Essentials and, and one of the grandmothers who tested it out for me before I started selling it said I have never had deep conversations with my daughter. She has always held things close to her chest. And you know, we’ve never had the kind of relationship where we talk about deep subjects or share innermost feelings, she said.

00;26;03;04 – 00;26;24;22
DeeDee Moore
This changed everything. When I went to her and asked her these questions about that, you know that you suggested I ask. We now have an incredibly close relationship, but we never had before. And so, yes, just establishing the fact that you want to talk to each other and listen to each other is going to go so far.

00;26;24;24 – 00;26;45;07
Dr. Mona
I mean, I think people forget this, but communication is the foundation of every single thing we do as human beings, like you’re saying. I mean, even as a parenting account, right? Like in a parenting like coach and this podcast, like the communication we have with our children, our partners, and then this and a lot of I think the issues in relationships come down to lack of communication as we know.

00;26;45;07 – 00;27;02;09
Dr. Mona
Right. Like this lack of just explaining where we stand and calmly communicating and not letting resentment get in. Because one thing that I think, you know, I often talk about is maybe, you know, maybe you grew up with a certain parent, right? And then you, you know, maybe there was childhood trauma. I’m going to throw that in there.

00;27;02;09 – 00;27;20;00
Dr. Mona
Maybe there was something your parent did that didn’t sit well. And then now you see them in this grandparent role and you’re feeling protective for your child. You know, you’re feeling like, well, like I use the example of like my my husband’s mom used to shame him on how he looked like being too thin. And now we see that kind of happening with my son.

00;27;20;00 – 00;27;41;28
Dr. Mona
So we are very protective because we know how that felt. We know that we don’t want that. And so to us that is a non-negotiable that we want to raise a child who loves their body. But then again, it goes down to coming up with that shorter list of non-negotiables that I think a lot of parents forget. That needs to happen when you kind of compromise on the things that are able to be compromised.

00;27;41;28 – 00;27;48;11
Dr. Mona
And that doesn’t mean that you have to compromise your parenting strategies or anything. But not coming in hot is what I’m trying to say.

00;27;48;11 – 00;27;55;20
DeeDee Moore
Like absolute like, you know, and I think I want I want parents to know that you, you are the one that has the influence over your children.

00;27;55;24 – 00;27;56;23
Dr. Mona
Yes.

00;27;56;26 – 00;28;15;29
DeeDee Moore
What you do matters way more than what anybody else does. And so if you know, grandparents are coming in and, you know, sitting at dinner and complaining about, oh, you know, I can’t eat that or I’ll get fat, that’s a teaching moment for you with your daughter. That’s not it. You don’t have to change the way grandmother talks.

00;28;15;29 – 00;28;29;20
DeeDee Moore
She’s probably. That’s not going to happen. Certainly. You can ask her not to say things like that, but, you know, don’t get worried about how that’s going to affect your daughter. If nothing else, it’s going to show her another side of things.

00;28;29;22 – 00;28;46;01
Dr. Mona
I like to use the example, like my son is really into quote unquote girly things, meaning he likes unicorns, he likes he likes princesses. He wants to wear pink. He wants to. He asked me if I can paint his nails. And this is because he sees a mom who’s constantly doing that. And he he likes it like he.

00;28;46;01 – 00;29;03;01
Dr. Mona
And it’s not anything more than just a little boy who loves those things. And my mother in law, used to say, well, that’s not for you. That’s for girls. And the teaching point in front of my son was not. Mom, can you not say that it was Ryan? You like the Princess Club? Yeah, sure. I can get you the Princess Cup.

00;29;03;01 – 00;29;20;20
Dr. Mona
I think that’s a good idea. Versus putting my grandmother down in front of him. Right. Even though I know I don’t like that. And that’s how he builds up, right? His mom, who’s the safest space in the world, is telling him, yeah, sweetie, it’s okay. I agree with you. If you want it, it can be for you or in or after the fact.

00;29;20;20 – 00;29;36;13
Dr. Mona
Maybe not in front of grandma. Hey, sweetie. I want you to know that your body is beautiful and I love your body. And I think you, you know, you know that you’re very strong. And so. Yes. And I know we’re not therapists, so this goes beyond like, you know, I did ask you that question earlier about when it gets to that point that you want to cut ties.

00;29;36;17 – 00;29;55;21
Dr. Mona
Of course. Of course, that’s beyond your paygrade and what you’re educated to do. But of course, you might need to see a therapist, a family therapist to see what makes sense for your family. But these are all strategies and tips to hopefully prevent that from happening. And I love that you were talking about this and really get to a point of realizing what it is that’s going to be the best for both parties.

00;29;55;21 – 00;30;25;12
Dr. Mona
And again, you’re not sacrificing yourself. And I think a lot of the culture I feel is parents feel sacrifice, that they’re not listening and that they but they don’t do this and they’re horrible when it’s like, do you want that person in your child’s life? Is there some redeeming quality there? Which I imagine there is, and I don’t want us to block that experience out because from a health aspect, we know that grandparents can provide a very positive experience into children, but also that children can really help grandparents, meaning longevity, their mental health.

00;30;25;12 – 00;30;36;19
Dr. Mona
And I’m not saying that we should force relationships that are unhealthy and traumatizing, but we should try our best to see if a relationship is possible by coming to these compromises and having this healthy communication.

00;30;36;22 – 00;30;49;08
DeeDee Moore
Well, you know, one of the things that I wonder sometimes, as I see so many parents, you know, removing themselves from unhealthy relationships, what kind of coping skills are we teaching our kids? Right.

00;30;49;10 – 00;30;50;10
Dr. Mona
You know.

00;30;50;13 – 00;31;25;18
DeeDee Moore
Does everything have to be perfect? Do we? Yeah, I know that. I learned a lot of lessons from people who were difficult to get along with. Yeah, I learned a lot of things about how to navigate difficult relationships from people in my own family. Right. And I think that it’s very, very helpful to have those negative examples of what not to do, of how not to treat people because that other, you know, it’s it’s not realistic to think that our child is going to be around nothing but people who are supportive and.

00;31;25;18 – 00;31;26;05
Dr. Mona
Right.

00;31;26;07 – 00;31;28;02
DeeDee Moore
And healthy for their lifetime.

00;31;28;02 – 00;31;45;01
Dr. Mona
So I actually really love that perspective. And I think, you know, but estrangement, you know, obviously is a is more prominent now than in generations past. Right. And I think, there was I mean, my husband were reading about it and I’ve talked about this on my podcast. I haven’t shared it on my social, but my sister is estranged from our family.

00;31;45;01 – 00;32;01;21
Dr. Mona
So she made the decision not to speak to any of us. This was about four years, three years ago now. For reasons that I will never judge because I’m not in her shoes. But when I look from, you know, when my husband looks from the outside, he’s like, interesting like that does the the the punishment doesn’t fit the crime, if you will.

00;32;01;21 – 00;32;24;11
Dr. Mona
Meaning it doesn’t seem appropriate for what she feels that the family did. But that being said, estrangement is very complicated. And you brought up a really strong point that I think one of the things that I love about working through unhealthy family dynamics is, again, that troubleshooting the discussions. And my husband has a very volatile relationship with his family, meaning he has gone through a lot of traumatic experiences.

00;32;24;11 – 00;32;44;06
Dr. Mona
And we’ve talked about estrangement. And he said exactly what you said. He’s like, I, I’m actually with my therapy, able to work through it, and I know that my parents are going to die. And I feel like although they really hurt me in some ways, I know that they’re going to provide something new to my child because they have changed and they love my kids and they want a different start.

00;32;44;06 – 00;33;03;15
Dr. Mona
And they were different people back in those days, you know, and I really appreciate him for that. And I tell him, I’m like, if you ever feel it’s making you not able to be present for your son, then we need to discuss that. But that is such a touchy. I know that’s such a hard situation. And I’m not saying that I hope that every parent who decides to estranged from their grandparent rethinks it.

00;33;03;15 – 00;33;19;26
Dr. Mona
But I want us. It’s a very difficult decision, and I think there is a there is a stronger movement to say, well, let me just cut ties versus can we really find ways to, like you said, use this in a healthy way, like, but it’s hard. It’s really hard and the tough.

00;33;19;26 – 00;33;20;06
DeeDee Moore
Yeah.

00;33;20;06 – 00;33;37;18
Dr. Mona
And I know that, you know, this can open up a can of worms. And I think so fondly of my sister. I miss her dearly. I haven’t talked to her in years. When we used to be so close, but it’s such a such a hard situation to feel like. Could we have done could we have communicated differently or done something differently where that wouldn’t have been?

00;33;37;20 – 00;33;54;12
Dr. Mona
What needed to happen for her? You know, and I know that this is a whole other conversation that I can have with the therapist therapist on estrangement, because I think estrangement of families is a is a really important conversation. But it kind of goes in line to what we’re talking about, because parents will say, well, I don’t want you to my kid like kids life like you just don’t.

00;33;54;12 – 00;34;11;26
Dr. Mona
You’re not you don’t have any say. And I saw that happen to my mom, and I saw that how much it hurt her for being a very kind human being. And, you know, I told my husband, I’m like, my parents are not perfect. They have a lot of things that I don’t love about them. I’m not going to lie to you, but they do have love like, I mean, there is love there.

00;34;11;27 – 00;34;26;09
Dr. Mona
They may not communicate with me as I would ideally hope, but there is love. And so that would be my message. You know, I guess to kind of think about what it is that you are really letting go of and working very closely with your family and therapist to see if that’s the right decision for you.

00;34;26;16 – 00;34;33;01
DeeDee Moore
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I, I do, you know, I just I hope that more families can find ways to, to work things out.

00;34;33;07 – 00;34;59;02
Dr. Mona
Well. And I think your work is so great because I mean, I’ll, I understand that I again asked you therapist like questions about that one question. I apologize for that. But no, you know, we’re asking about from the beginning, you know, how we can create this foundation. And it doesn’t mean that the foundation will be this amazing. Everyone’s happy together and, taking family photos and laughing at the dinner table, but it really can mean the difference between animosity and understanding, which I think is so healthy.

00;34;59;04 – 00;35;15;25
Dr. Mona
I really love that. What would be your final uplifting message for everyone listening? I always ask my guests after we talk about deep things like estrangement and, you know, not agreeing on things, what would be that message for everyone tuning in, whether they’re a grandparent or a parent tuning in today?

00;35;15;27 – 00;35;39;08
DeeDee Moore
Well, I just I’ll, I’ll just go back to my guiding principle is that family is always going to be there for you in ways that that other communities may not be. And I do think that it is so worth working on, on making your family as strong as possible and as and including all the generations in that family outlook.

00;35;39;10 – 00;35;56;23
Dr. Mona
I think that’s so beautiful. And I really love what you said about, again, really taking what each each party wants and bringing that to the table before the child’s born. If and remember, if you’re listening to this and it hasn’t happened yet, you could still do it. Like I said, I plan on talking to my mom and even my mother in law.

00;35;56;25 – 00;36;10;06
Dr. Mona
You know, about it and even my dad and saying, hey, you know, what is it that you want? What? What don’t you like about being a grandparent? You know, what is the things that I’m asking you to do that don’t sit right with you because I don’t want to do that. Because then we’re all going to be unhappy, and I.

00;36;10;13 – 00;36;24;04
Dr. Mona
You really taught me that. And again, I just want to thank you for that. Because I think it really can set a healthier foundation for generations to really enjoy this experience, of parenting and grandparenting and provide that child with so much more love.

00;36;24;06 – 00;36;28;25
DeeDee Moore
Yeah. And that’s what it’s all about, right? Yeah. It’s all there for that child.

00;36;28;27 – 00;36;44;21
Dr. Mona
Yeah. And I go back to that love and I whenever we feel like, oh my gosh, they did this or they did this, we all, me and my husband always go back to. But do they love them. Like is there is there love there is there caring. And again going back to like, did they listen to the few non-negotiables we had?

00;36;44;21 – 00;36;58;25
Dr. Mona
And they did. And did they keep them healthy? Did they keep them safe? And did they love them? And if those three things are being met, it’s okay. Can we do this? And that is where we come from. And I like that I was able to share that perspective with the listeners, cause I don’t think I talked about that.

00;36;58;25 – 00;37;19;11
Dr. Mona
You know, that part of my life a lot. But it is true. It’s hard. You said parent. They’re in families. There’s a lot of love, and they’ll always be there for you. And I recognize that relationships are also very complicated. I’m not ever going to deny that. But I think Mandy can agree that how can we work to a better solution versus, you know, feeling sadness and, and regret if we if you will, you know.

00;37;19;15 – 00;37;28;11
Dr. Mona
Right. Yeah. Well, Didi, where can people go to stay connected? More importantly, tell us more about the resources you have. You know, your website again, your social media and anything else for our listeners today.

00;37;28;12 – 00;37;48;18
DeeDee Moore
So I’ve made everything simple. Everything’s that more than grand. So that’s that’s my label on social media, Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, wherever you want to find me. Perfect. My website is more than grand. Com I have all sorts of resources for new grandparents and, hope that they’ll come take advantage of them. I have a great newsletter that goes out twice a week.

00;37;48;20 – 00;37;50;17
DeeDee Moore
And you can sign up for that on my website.

00;37;50;23 – 00;37;55;09
Dr. Mona
And in your resources. Do you allow parents to purchase to gift to their grandparents?

00;37;55;09 – 00;38;02;21
DeeDee Moore
Yes. Okay. That has happened several times. So. Okay. Perfect. That is entirely possible. Everything’s everything’s digital. So it’s.

00;38;02;21 – 00;38;03;06
Dr. Mona
Just nice.

00;38;03;06 – 00;38;05;07
DeeDee Moore
Little download and easy to do.

00;38;05;09 – 00;38;20;09
Dr. Mona
Thank you so much Didi. This is such an amazing conversation. As you evolve in your own grandparent journey and I involve I evolve in my parenting journey. I would love to have you back on, you know, I’m I’m sure your wisdom will continue to grow as you navigate, you know, your role as a grandparent and as your community grows.

00;38;20;09 – 00;38;27;08
Dr. Mona
And I’m just so glad that we could connect together and share this really unifying, love filled episode with everyone to get today.

00;38;27;10 – 00;38;31;14
DeeDee Moore
Well, thank you so much for having me and I’d love to come back and talk anytime.

00;38;31;16 – 00;38;53;21
Dr. Mona
A huge thank you to Didi for sharing her wisdom and perspective. Navigating boundaries with grandparents can feel overwhelming at times and like I said, I’ve been there. But conversations like these remind us that it’s possible to create healthier, more respectful family dynamics with intention and open communication. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away. This is important for both grandparents and parents to understand.

00;38;53;23 – 00;39;19;11
Dr. Mona
It’s about creating clarity and space for everyone to thrive. And if things feel challenging, give yourself grace. Every family’s journey is unique and you’re doing what’s best for yours. I have found that one of the biggest reasons relationships, whether it’s between grandparents and parents or romantic partners, or even a parent and a small child, experienced misunderstandings is due to a lack of communication or ineffective communication, or not understanding people’s communication styles.

00;39;19;13 – 00;39;43;08
Dr. Mona
Recognizing this is the first step, but most importantly, committing to fostering open, honest and respectful conversations is how we strengthen those connections and build mutual understanding, which has to come from all sides. Thank you for tuning in. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or family member or grandparent, or leave us a review and help us reach more families just like yours.

00;39;43;14 – 00;39;55;05
Dr. Mona
And remember, you can win a PedsDocTalk course and a grandparent course from DeeDee that can be gifted by entering my giveaway on Instagram on the day of debut of this episode. Have a wonderful week and I’ll catch you all next time!