As a pediatrician and mom, I know firsthand how easy it is to get overwhelmed by standard parenting tips and the pressure to have a perfect family life. In a culture obsessed with quick fixes and curated social media fairy tales, so many couples feel like they are constantly falling short. On this channel, my goal is to share the beautiful, unglamorous reality of making relationships work. We cannot just hope for a happy marriage and connection to happen by chance…we have to be intentional about creating it. That is why I love bringing authentic guests onto the podcast to share real, unfiltered relationship advice.

In this episode, I’m sitting down with former Navy SEAL sniper instructor and author Brandon Webb to talk about his brand new book, Puddle Jumpers. Brandon reminds us that we don’t have to succumb to public judgment or relationship anxiety. Real growth happens in our everyday routines, like setting core family values, prioritizing intentional quality time, and learning how to celebrate failure. By breaking down the illusion of perfection and working through messy parenting moments, we can move past the comparison trap and build a resilient, peaceful home.

• Why treating presence as an intentional choice rather than a balancing act is the key to lasting connection with your children.

• How choosing fewer distractions and putting down your phone can completely eliminate family disconnect and parenting anxiety.

• Easy, practical ways to establish a united co-parenting front and protect intentional habits like individual father-child trips.

• Why elite military instructors, pediatricians, and parents must embrace failure and small stressors as necessary stepping stones to confidence.

• Breaking down the distinct transition from a dictator parent to a counselor role as your children mature into adulthood.

• How a legendary Olympic coach used a mental management curriculum to teach positive self-talk, self-reflection, and unshakable grit.

• How to find joy in the mundane, unglamorous phases of parenting—like letting your kids jump in a messy mud puddle.

Connect with Brandon Webb on Instagram @brandontwebb, visit his substack: ⁠https://brandontwebb.substack.com⁠ and buy his book Puddle Jumper: ⁠a.co/d/04S5vsnX⁠

00:00 – Intro: Why Small Daily Challenges Build Confidence in Kids
02:45 – Meet Brandon Webb: Navy SEAL Sniper Instructor, Author, and Father of Three
03:37 – Brandon’s Origin Story: Sailboat Childhood, Leaving Home at 16, and What It Taught Him About Fatherhood
09:33 – Why Parenting Content Ignores Dads and Why That Needs to Change
11:17 – What Navy SEAL Mental Training Has to Do With Raising Resilient Kids
15:22 – Why Modern Dads Feel Like Strangers in Their Own Homes (And How to Fix It)
21:01 – Ask Better Questions: Why “How Was Your Day?” Is a Dead End
25:09 – How Your Words Become Your Child’s Inner Voice
28:36 – Ordinary Magic: Why Letting Kids Do Small Hard Things Is the Most Powerful Thing You Can Do
33:03 – Co-Parenting After Divorce: Staying a United Front When It’s Hard
39:23 – How to Know When to Push Your Kid and When to Back Off
44:06 – Madison’s Letter: The Return on Investment of Showing Up as a Parent
49:46 – Modeling Emotional Regulation: Kids Learn What They Live
53:22 – From Boss to Coach: How Your Parenting Role Has to Shift as Kids Get Older
58:11 – Final Advice for Dads: Be Present, Ask Better Questions, and Raise Good Decision-Makers

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and⁠ ⁠subscribe to PedsDocTalk⁠⁠.

Get trusted pediatric advice, relatable parenting insights, and evidence-based tips delivered straight to your inbox—join thousands of parents who rely on the PDT newsletter to stay informed, supported, and confident.⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠!

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We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the⁠ ⁠PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships⁠⁠ page of the website. 

00;00;00;01 – 00;00;31;02

Brandon Webb

The biggest thing I think parents can do to instill confidence and resilience in children. There’s this term and in this one study in the book called Ordinary Magic, and it’s the ordinary magic of letting your kids do. What we would say say it’s maybe trivial tasks like making their own lunch. Yeah, going to the coffee counter and checking out on their own these little things that are actually to a kid very can be very stressful, right?

 

00;00;31;02 – 00;00;45;20

Brandon Webb

But the ordinary little stressful things build up over time and stack and make a confident kid.

 

00;00;45;22 – 00;01;06;26

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. It’s me, Doctor Mona, your trusted online pediatrician, confidante and mom friend here to support you through every twist and turn of parenting. And boy, are there many. I get to have honest conversations that help you feel informed and confident as a parent, and that is my goal of the entire PedsDocTalk ecosystem.

 

00;01;06;28 – 00;01;30;03

Dr. Mona

Whether this is your first episode or you’re a long time listener, I promise you’re going to get plenty of insights. But don’t forget to subscribe and download your favorite episodes, because that’s how the show continues to grow. Have you ever noticed that most parenting content speaks to moms? Or maybe you’re a dad who has felt like an outsider in your own home winging it because no one ever showed you how to do this.

 

00;01;30;08 – 00;01;54;24

Dr. Mona

No one ever showed you how to show up. Today we’re talking about why that happens, how we got here, and why engage. Fathers and father figures matter so much when it comes to raising confident, resilient kids. And if you’re listening to it on air date, it’s just in time for father’s Day. Today’s guest is Brandon Webb. He’s a New York Times bestselling author, former Navy Seal sniper instructor, and father of three.

 

00;01;54;27 – 00;02;19;00

Dr. Mona

His new book, Puddle Jumpers, takes the high performance training principles he taught elite warriors and applies them to something even harder raising confident kids. We talk about why dads can feel disconnected from parenting, how fathers uniquely build confidence and resilience in kids, how to tell the difference between healthy challenge and overwhelm, and why the way we talk to our kids becomes their inner voice.

 

00;02;19;00 – 00;02;45;03

Dr. Mona

All music to my ears. Remember to leave a review and continue the conversation on our social handles at the PedsDocTalk Podcast at PedsDocTalk, and at Brandon T Webb Webb. Whether you’re a dad married to one or raising kids without one, this conversation will challenge how you think about showing up, whether you are a mother or father or any type of caregiver.

 

00;02;45;06 – 00;02;52;20

Dr. Mona

Let’s get into this amazing conversation.

 

00;02;52;22 – 00;02;54;05

Dr. Mona

Thank you for joining me today.

 

00;02;54;10 – 00;02;56;15

Brandon Webb

Thank you for having me and Doctor Mona.

 

00;02;56;17 – 00;03;15;24

Dr. Mona

I love the show, as it sounds like you already heard, and I always like to give my origin story on how I meet my guests. So I was not aware of who you were, but your PR agency when you were writing this book reached out to me, and I get a lot of pitches. You know, I get probably we have about 500 pitches right now on our list of people to go through.

 

00;03;16;00 – 00;03;37;19

Dr. Mona

And I was like, ooh, I love this. The Puddle Jumper concept, the book that you have your experience. And I said, Paul, your agent, I was like, I was like, let’s make this happen. And we’re making this happen. It was important for me to debut this around Father’s Day as we engage fathers more. But tell me more, what inspired you to write this new book, Puddle Jumpers, and a little bit more about yourself?

 

00;03;37;21 – 00;03;58;27

Brandon Webb

Sure. So my quick, I’ll try and make a quick origin story. So I was, born in Canada and my father’s Canadian mom was American. My parents had this dream to sail around the world. So when I was, in first grade, we moved out of Canada, bought a sailboat, and my parents move the family on the boat.

 

00;03;58;27 – 00;04;24;20

Brandon Webb

So I grew up on a sailboat for five years with my younger sister. We sailed from Vancouver to California, grew up mostly in California, and grew up working on boats. I had this dream to be a pilot, but, what happened? I end up working on the scuba diving boat, had all this boating experience, and my family and I had done a scene, a few long sailing trips when I was younger.

 

00;04;24;21 – 00;04;41;21

Brandon Webb

My dad is like, we’re going to take this huge trip, sail in New Zealand. I got kicked off a boat in Tahiti. My dad threw me off the boat. We got into this, like, huge argument. And I left home at 16. So I went to becoming a Navy Seal. So.

 

00;04;41;21 – 00;04;46;13

Dr. Mona

That instance is when you pretty much last had a, like, last had a relationship with your father.

 

00;04;46;16 – 00;05;12;08

Brandon Webb

Now we have a very complicated relationship, which I’m happy to go into. But I’m still, you know, very close to my mother. But but I left home. I was on my own. Yeah. And and, look, part of me being a father was breaking a lot of patterns and things that I saw. You know, I think our challenge as parents is take the good that our parents gave us and also maybe leave some of the bad behind.

 

00;05;12;10 – 00;05;34;12

Brandon Webb

My dad, he was kicked out of 17, you know. So, and so, you know, I found myself I joined the Navy. It’s kind of like my way to get a college education. Ended up, falling in love with, my ex, Gretchen, when I was a young Navy Seal. I just got into Seal team three in San Diego.

 

00;05;34;14 – 00;06;00;12

Brandon Webb

She was about to graduate from San Diego State. You know, like a lot of young people in love, you’re like, oh, let’s get married. But you don’t think about the future. Or, you know, we ended up divorcing, you know, around nine years later. But through me, people always ask, why do you divorce? Well, we just grew apart, but thankfully we divorced and counseling with a very good psychologist.

 

00;06;00;18 – 00;06;28;15

Brandon Webb

This woman, Doctor Baker in the OIA, and she said, look, I’m going to show you how to have a good divorce. And you guys obviously care about your kids. And so, you know, we became co-parents. And I think what really locked us in on the co-parent, commitment was just this overwhelming love for our children. And we had three kids at this point.

 

00;06;28;18 – 00;06;53;12

Brandon Webb

I ended up leaving the Navy Seals in 2006, halfway through my career for my kids. I, I had this Wall Street Journal article came out recently about the book and the the comment. I was like, what does this guy know about being a dad? He’s gone all the time. Oh, I actually left for my my oldest was four and was like, why aren’t you coming to this event?

 

00;06;53;14 – 00;07;20;05

Brandon Webb

It was it hit me really hard. And so I gave up my career in 2006 to to spend more time with my family. How I became to write this book is, you know, I was writing mostly as a therapeutic process dealing with war and losing friends. And I found that writing was really something I enjoyed and was very therapeutic.

 

00;07;20;07 – 00;07;45;03

Brandon Webb

So I’ve written a series of books and I was thinking, okay, what’s my next project? And because my ex and I had kids very young, I was finding myself, like I was I went to business school late, but I was in business school and brought my son and daughter to class who were, like my my daughter was 18 when I, when I brought her to, Boston.

 

00;07;45;05 – 00;08;09;16

Brandon Webb

And inevitably, what would happen over and over after people would meet my kind of teen grown up kids and they kept asking me for advice like, wow, the kids seem very happy. They make eye contact. They’re not on their phone all the time. Like, what did you do? Like, what’s the secret? Yeah, and I just it became overwhelming over the course of like 5 or 6 years.

 

00;08;09;18 – 00;08;40;18

Brandon Webb

And, and one of my friends, Kamar Avocat, who’s also an author, he’s like, Brandon, you need to write a parenting book, like your kids are great, like write a book. It’s going to help a lot of parents. So anyway, that’s how Puddle Jumpers came to be. The title is from a story I tell on the book when I was the when I was a young dad, my kids were taking skiing lessons in Lake Tahoe, and we’re all kind of walking to the car after a long day on the mountain, very tired.

 

00;08;40;20 – 00;09;00;08

Brandon Webb

And my youngest, Tyler, saw this nasty like slush puddle in the parking lot, and his siblings were like, egging him on. And my first reaction was as a parent was like, no, don’t you dare jump in that puddle. And then I caught myself thinking about that. I’m like, why would I? Why do I care?

 

00;09;00;08 – 00;09;02;04

Dr. Mona

Yeah, let him jumped in the puddle.

 

00;09;02;04 – 00;09;15;08

Brandon Webb

Yeah, know what I mean? I don’t rob him of joy because I just don’t want to do a load of laundry. And that was a key moment for me in parenting. And that’s where the title comes from. It’s like, oh.

 

00;09;15;11 – 00;09;33;05

Dr. Mona

I love it. I want to race people who understand that it’s okay to feel free and that we’re supporting them in that. I can’t wait to read it. I obviously learned about you in the book through, the conversations with, you know, emails and stuff. And now knowing a father, a father centric book about parenting, you know, I, I love it, and I can’t wait to chat with you.

 

00;09;33;05 – 00;09;57;12

Dr. Mona

You know, and I mentioned at the intro, a lot of parenting content is unintentionally or intentionally mom centered. Do you think we actually need more dads specific parenting guidance, or is it more just about how we communicate the same message in a way that resonates with both parents? And if so, what would land better with fathers to get them more engaged in this conversation around parenting and child rearing?

 

00;09;57;14 – 00;10;28;08

Brandon Webb

Yeah, I think, so I think the answer is yes to both both your questions. But I do think especially fathers today, they need help. Clearly they need help. I’m I’m a Harvard Business School alumnus. I’ve been in Ypo, which is young presidents organization. So I’m around these high performing, you know what men and women. But a lot of fathers that are what I would consider, you know, the breadwinners of the family, right, throughout in the career world.

 

00;10;28;10 – 00;10;52;16

Brandon Webb

But they’re clearly finding themselves strangers in their own house because they’re not present. And I think this I don’t know what’s happened to society. I mean, you can we could talk about, you know, where that’s going for days. But I think the modern father is a little bit lost. And there maybe have this traditional. And here’s the thing.

 

00;10;52;16 – 00;11;17;26

Brandon Webb

When you have a kid, it’s probably one of the most important things you’re going to do in your life. Absolutely. There’s no manual. Nobody nobody takes a course on parenting. And so you’re just kind of winging it. And that’s the thing I think that really helped me as a father was one I was really committed to being a dad and being present.

 

00;11;17;28 – 00;11;49;16

Brandon Webb

But I had this mental management toolkit to fall back on because when I came back from my deployment to Afghanistan, in 2002, my first son was born when I was over there. So I after the Twin Towers fell, I looked at I looked at Gretchen, my ex, and she wrote the forward from my book. I mean, she talks about this when the twin Towers came down, she was eight and a half months pregnant and she knew I was I was going to be gone and going to miss the birth.

 

00;11;49;19 – 00;12;15;16

Brandon Webb

And so, yeah, we had Jackson when I was in Afghanistan, I came back to a five month old boy and I was going to take a break. I was going to go on in the Navy. We call it a shore rotation, or it’s a chance to kind of slow down. And I would be a school instructor and, but I got a call from a guy, Bob, who says, look, we were redoing our Seal sniper program.

 

00;12;15;16 – 00;12;39;11

Brandon Webb

We wanted to be a part of it. We’re we’re making the course better. We’re not only updating it from a technology point of view. We want to become better teachers and train the guys better. And a core component of that was. And what sold me is like, hey, you’re going to get to work with some of the best coaches in the world, from the professional sports to the Olympic gold medalist.

 

00;12;39;13 – 00;13;07;19

Brandon Webb

Like, okay, I’ll, sign me up. So I, I went down there and I did the pilot program, and I learned this mental management program from an Olympic gold medalist, and and then we, after I got talked into joining full time, I got promoted and took over the course, I think I was 27. So I was running the West Coast sniper program, and I put the mental management curriculum in place and saw a 30% failure rate.

 

00;13;07;19 – 00;13;33;02

Brandon Webb

So these are already trained, motivated Navy Seals. But when we started talking them about positive self-talk, mental visualization and how to manage their self-image, how to, you know, do all these the, you know, encapsulate this whole mental management program? It’s a 30% failure rate, went to almost zero overnight. And I was shocked. I was like, wow, this stuff really works.

 

00;13;33;05 – 00;13;59;23

Brandon Webb

And I learned it and then started applying it to parenting. I think the first time it dawned on me was when my oldest, Jackson, came to me nervous to give a talk in his first grade class. And so I work with him on visualization, and that was what hit me. Well, this stuff can work on kids. Like I can show my kids how to basically build a mental program.

 

00;13;59;23 – 00;14;25;28

Brandon Webb

And also, I think one of the most important things, that we have to watch out as for as parents is, look, the world is a sea of negativity, right? Especially, you know, social media and how correct we are in life. In the news. Everything is just negative. And even I think a lot of, well, well-meaning adults say terrible things.

 

00;14;25;28 – 00;14;54;12

Brandon Webb

Yes. And so teaching our kids, look, there’s this negativity out there. Just because an adult says something doesn’t mean it’s it’s written in stone. Right. And so I was having these conversations with my kids very young about, you know, their own mental health, their own, you know, mental program. And I think that gave me a huge edge as a father like, that was, you know, I think people think, oh, Navy Seal daddy’s dangling his kids up over a pool.

 

00;14;54;12 – 00;15;01;21

Brandon Webb

Right. So no. Yeah, it’s it’s, very different.

 

00;15;01;24 – 00;15;22;05

Dr. Mona

Now, let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show. Oh, you know, going back to what you had mentioned, and we’re like, oh, we can get into that. And I want to get into it. You know why that the question I had for you about why we think things are more mom centered and how we get more dads activated.

 

00;15;22;05 – 00;15;39;20

Dr. Mona

And I have a father or I have a husband who is amazing. But it took him a long time in this journey to become amazing. Like. And I and I have some theories and I’m curious if you would add to these theories or, agree with them. So I think there’s a few things you already mentioned, like a little bit about how you were raised and that cycle.

 

00;15;39;20 – 00;15;58;27

Dr. Mona

Right. Like your dad was kicked out young, so you were kicked out young, whether that’s connected, who knows? But a lot of fathers grew up with emotionally distant or absent dads, right? So they lack a model of what involved fatherhood could look like. That was my husband’s father. It may not be everyone, but they may genuinely not know how to engage because it wasn’t shown to them.

 

00;15;58;27 – 00;16;19;04

Dr. Mona

Like what an engaged dad can look like even if you’re working. And I give the example because I actually work way more hours than my husband. But I am just, if not more engaged with my kids, right? Because it’s a maternal thing, right? You grew up seeing the mom doing a lot of the work my mom did, that my mom worked full time and then came home and did the dishes and cooking.

 

00;16;19;04 – 00;16;37;27

Dr. Mona

It was a very maternal istic, you know, patriarchal society that the woman does the cooking, the men does the thing, even though my mom was working. Right. And if growing up, it’s like I became this businesswoman, the speaker, all of this and I’m still showing up to do all the other things, and now it’s incorporating my husband into like, hey, you are the dad.

 

00;16;37;27 – 00;17;04;10

Dr. Mona

And he loves that, right? Even though he never got that. And I have two more and then you can. And then the other thing is, like a lot of the early childhood experience, it’s it can be very mom centric, especially if it’s breastfeeding. You know, there’s more maternity leave policy than there might be paternity leave. And so it just may feel like dads don’t feel like they have a place early on or feel like, well, what do I do if so much of this is mom, right?

 

00;17;04;10 – 00;17;24;09

Dr. Mona

When I always have a lot of things to say about that. Moms dads can help in so many different ways. And then my third thing is what you, I think are getting into it, the, you know, your experience in, being a Navy Seal sniper instructor is there is an emotional disconnect. You know, many men are raised to suppress emotions, which makes them less, you know, vulnerable.

 

00;17;24;15 – 00;17;52;02

Dr. Mona

They won’t share their feelings as much. And so with that, playing, nurturing, talking about feelings can feel foreign. And that’s really important with kids, right? Like they’re going to have big feelings. They’re going to cry. We can’t say, just shut it up and stop crying. Like there needs to be some nurturing. And whether you’re male or female, if you didn’t get that growing up, like those examples of emotional regulation and fathers and, you know, or mothers who even did these things, it can be hard to tap into that.

 

00;17;52;02 – 00;18;07;25

Dr. Mona

And I’m curious your thoughts, if you would add to that, if you would say, oh yeah, that makes sense, or if there’s any other reason why it may be hard to pull dads in, even if they are, though, you know, working, working outside the home and business. Like, obviously we know how important dads are in people’s life if they have one.

 

00;18;07;28 – 00;18;31;21

Brandon Webb

Yeah. I mean, I really everything you said resonates with me. I think maybe what’s happened in America is we had this traditional system right where it was very, very much, you know, mom stays at home, father goes away. And still, even then, there was no kind of playbook, right? We’re just kind of, oh, that’s the way I grew up.

 

00;18;31;21 – 00;18;56;24

Brandon Webb

So let’s do this. But, I feel like it. And I know, like the dads, the modern dads are lost because I, I’m around these high performing dads all the time and ypo my business school groups. And it’s clear they love their kids like they’re they’re working their butts off for their family. But they’re also they don’t they don’t really know what to do.

 

00;18;56;27 – 00;19;23;17

Brandon Webb

And so part of part of what I like about Puddle Jumper is I’m telling this from a divorced fathers perspective that essentially I didn’t have the kids full time. Like the agreement that I made with Gretchen was that largely due to kind of her circumstances at the time where she ended up moving, you know, 4 or 5 counties away to her family’s ranch in Northern California.

 

00;19;23;20 – 00;19;44;04

Brandon Webb

So I was I went from, you know, being the dad, dropping the kids off from school, coaching Little League. Now I’m like, distance, a long distance father. But the commitment that I made was okay. When I have my, my kids and the agreement her and I made was okay. Like the kids will have one home with her, one stable household.

 

00;19;44;07 – 00;20;09;15

Brandon Webb

I will get the kids for all the major holidays and if it’s something important, I will travel to them. And then the caveat was I would take each kid on an individual kind of father, father daughter, father son trip once a year. And I think when you have multiple siblings, as you’re getting older, you’ll see they develop different personalities, but they behave very differently in a one on one setting.

 

00;20;09;15 – 00;20;33;23

Brandon Webb

And I knew that that was important for me to kind of have that connection. So. So I did that. I’m proof that you can have a career, build a business, go through a lot of a lot of turmoil. Because I was divorced, I lost my first business, lost my life savings, but my kids still talk about my adult kids who are very much still a part of my life.

 

00;20;33;26 – 00;21;01;15

Brandon Webb

We talk about it. They’re like, dad, I remember when we were with you for for Christmas break that you were on all the time making lunches. You know, I was never on my phone. I was, so I was present. So it’s like quality time over quantity. Yeah. It works. And the kids, you know, if you’re present and genuinely interested and they know you love and support them, that’s about the best you can do as a parent.

 

00;21;01;15 – 00;21;15;17

Brandon Webb

And it works. And the other thing I would say, especially fathers, they us parents, we need to get better at asking questions like the yeah, how is your day at school? You’re it’s kind of a B.S. question.

 

00;21;15;18 – 00;21;16;24

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I agree.

 

00;21;16;26 – 00;21;36;08

Brandon Webb

You’re going to get a B.S. answer. One of my favorites is like if if today was a movie, what would it be called? You know, if your day was a movie and that just gets the kids opened up. And you can go deep, you know, you can get vulnerable with the kids, but parents need to ask better questions.

 

00;21;36;10 – 00;22;00;17

Dr. Mona

I completely agree. I think I’ve always said this, that every, every human relationship is better with healthy communication. Right? We know this. Like whether it’s a married couple relationship, whether it’s, if two friends. But we often forget how healthy and important communication is with kids. And I think it’s because we think we’re superior that, like, they have to listen to me, but it’s a two way street.

 

00;22;00;17 – 00;22;17;12

Dr. Mona

Like you’re not going to let your kids are not going to believe you. Listen to your boundaries if you don’t listen to them. Like, I mean, that’s my mantra. Like, you got to understand and include them within the healthy boundaries that you have. And I already love that you spoke to a little bit of the story of, you know, your experience as a Navy Seal sniper instructor.

 

00;22;17;14 – 00;22;41;22

Dr. Mona

I love how our past shape our present, especially in parenting. So for me, it was my expertise in conflict resolution and de-escalation. As an assistant resident director and resident assistant in college like this was really important to me. I spent three two years plus or sorry, three years plus another year, doing a lot of this. And I think that really has helped me as a parent, obviously knowing how to de-escalate conflict resolution.

 

00;22;42;00 – 00;23;03;04

Dr. Mona

So you come from a background, obviously, as a Navy Seal sniper instructor training people to perform under pressure. You mentioned that, and now you’re applying that to parenting. How do you feel like that experience has changed how you you’ve shown up differently for your kids? And where do you see their biggest, their biggest impact on their confidence and resilience in terms of all that you’ve learned?

 

00;23;03;11 – 00;23;29;01

Brandon Webb

Yeah, I think they have. And they had an edge because I was teaching them, you know, these core principles of of mental management, emotional regulation very early and giving them stuff to read. To your point. Communication, I think generally parents don’t give kids enough credit because they’re very smart. They listen, there’s sponges. I was giving them very advanced books to read at ten, 11, 12 years old.

 

00;23;29;03 – 00;23;53;01

Brandon Webb

So I think they had a definite advantage there. One of the things when I, when I set up to write Puddle Jumpers, I asked my kids several questions and one of them was, what do you really appreciate about me as your father? And what do you remember? What do you what what do you or what would you change or tell me to do differently as your father going back?

 

00;23;53;03 – 00;24;20;23

Brandon Webb

Interesting enough, my my daughter said she’s like, you are our hero because I always try to model good behavior. But, yeah, the one thing I wish I had, I’ve done watched what she pointed out. She’s like, you know, I just wish you had have told me more stories about your own personal challenges and failures. Because then she said, I would have felt like it was safer and more okay to kind of try things and fail and know that that’s part of the journey.

 

00;24;20;23 – 00;24;43;09

Brandon Webb

And I was like, wow. Powerful stuff. The other thing she said was she said she told the story when she was visiting me when she was an undergrad at Goldsmiths in London. And she she’s like, yeah, I remember visiting you in Lisbon and I broke a dish and I felt like I was this five year old girl again and so embarrassed.

 

00;24;43;09 – 00;25;09;07

Brandon Webb

And I looked up and you just looked at me and said, well, it’s just a dish. We can get another one. It’s, you know, what’s important is you and your health. Your health. And she’s like, I was old enough and in college to realize what a gift that was, having you model that kind of behavior and emotional regulation because she says, I’m in school now and I see like 60, 70% of people are like that.

 

00;25;09;07 – 00;25;44;29

Brandon Webb

They just have this emotion. They’re emotionally trigger, they have this reaction. And she’s like, wow, what a what a gift to have that from you and mom. So anyway, I think the kids, you know, in modeling our behavior is so our modeling good behavior is so important as parents. And I get into the book, how important, our language is around the kids, because what parents I think will hit them hardest is when they realize when their kids get older, their voices are becoming the kids inner voice.

 

00;25;44;29 – 00;26;08;07

Brandon Webb

So how do you want your kid to hear you when they’re older, you know, and you want it to be positive or negative? So I think that’s an important reminder to parents. Also, like the language we use around our kids, it’s extremely important. And how this shows up in the kind of professionals, sports and high performance arena like the Seal snipers is.

 

00;26;08;10 – 00;26;28;26

Brandon Webb

If I’m teaching somebody a new sniper, something new and I see they’re making a mistake, I’m not going to verbalize that mistake because that’s I know that that’s programing a beginner for failure. Like I’m putting bad habits in their head. Right. And a common one on the sniper people, people on, learning how to shoot high powered rifles.

 

00;26;28;26 – 00;26;49;25

Brandon Webb

They get sometimes they develop a flinch. So they’re like flinching and anticipating right before they pull the trigger. They’re flinching and it throws that bullet off target. If I tell a student, stop flinching, what are they thinking about? Right now? It’s like, oh, you know. And then the person next to them hears it and says, oh, I don’t am I flinching?

 

00;26;49;25 – 00;26;58;27

Brandon Webb

You know, so little things like that just changing. If you see a kid is screaming, you don’t want to say stop screaming or.

 

00;26;58;28 – 00;26;59;12

Dr. Mona

Yes.

 

00;26;59;18 – 00;27;23;09

Brandon Webb

You know, you just like the little things like that. And it may seem so trivial, but if you just say, hey, guys, can you just quiet down? Like that puts a very different picture in someone’s head than a parent screaming, stop yelling! And and it adds up over time, right? This, you know, years and years of certain language can can go a good way or a bad way.

 

00;27;23;09 – 00;27;25;06

Brandon Webb

So I think that’s super important.

 

00;27;25;09 – 00;27;51;25

Dr. Mona

As you reflect on this, you know, obviously I love the story you mentioned about the plate. I, I grew up in a household where any time I made a mistake, dropped some things. I remember I vividly remember spilling a gallon of milk and it it basically flooded the entire kitchen and the anger that came with that. And so I grew up as a woman who really was afraid of making mistakes on a larger scale, because if I’m getting berated for spilling milk now, what about feeling something else or things like that?

 

00;27;51;25 – 00;28;16;03

Dr. Mona

So I had over a huge fear of failure, and that can really hurt the confidence, right? That can really hurt resilience. Looking back, whether it’s your your grown children telling you or maybe yourself and what you’ve learned, how have besides, you know, guiding them on mistakes besides speaking to them as their, you know, as they should be speaking spoken to, what else do you think has really helped them build confidence?

 

00;28;16;03 – 00;28;35;28

Dr. Mona

And let’s say let’s even focus on that resilience, like to handle hard things and to know that hard things are not forever. What do you feel like that was, you know, the golden ticket to get there. Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;28;36;00 – 00;29;06;22

Brandon Webb

I think the biggest thing and and look, I, I wrote this book is my parenting journey, right? I made plenty of mistakes, but it still ended up with great kids. The, the biggest thing I think parents can do to instill confidence and resilience in children is and I reference a study in, several studies in the book, but there’s this term and, and this one study in the book called Ordinary Magic.

 

00;29;06;25 – 00;29;16;01

Brandon Webb

And it’s the ordinary magic of letting your kids do what we would say, say it’s maybe trivial tasks like making their own lunch.

 

00;29;16;01 – 00;29;16;27

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;29;16;29 – 00;29;49;03

Brandon Webb

Going to the coffee counter and checking out on their own these little things that are actually to a kid very can be very stressful, right? But in the ordinary little stressful things build up over time and stack and make a confident kid. One I still remember two stories. The when my youngest, I flew to, Portland, where when my ex remarried, they moved up to Oregon and I flew up to pick up the kids and take them in my father’s house.

 

00;29;49;06 – 00;30;08;22

Brandon Webb

And my youngest is maybe eight, and we’re all three of us are at the airport, or my three kids and myself. And my youngest was a huge soccer fan. And he sees the Portland Timbers, which is the MLS team in the airport. And he’s like that kid. That’s my favorite player. Can you can you get an autograph for me?

 

00;30;08;25 – 00;30;29;06

Brandon Webb

And I was like, buddy, you should ask yourself, like, come on, like you can. And he’s the shyer of the of the three siblings. And so now his sister is like, come on, buddy, you got this. You know? And so we all start. And so, you know, he gets up the courage and he walks over, you know, whatever 20 or 30ft.

 

00;30;29;08 – 00;30;48;16

Brandon Webb

And he asks the player and then the next thing you know, the all the players are around him, they’re taking selfies and he comes back with this huge smile on his face. And I’m like, you did it, buddy. And he’s like, he got it. And it’s like those those moments are so impactful for kids. And it would have been easy for me to just go up and ask, right?

 

00;30;48;16 – 00;31;14;02

Brandon Webb

And they they would have done it for sure. But I knew this is a super important lesson for Tyler and it’s going to be huge for his confidence. The other story that my. So I have a 24 year old, Jackson, who has a software company, he lives who lives in Lisbon as well. He told me when I was writing the book, he’s like, dad, you know what?

 

00;31;14;02 – 00;31;28;05

Brandon Webb

One of the most impactful things that you did for me is when I came to visit you in New York, and I got him an internship. He wanted it. He wanted, like, a internship. So I got him like a grown up internship with my friend staffing companies.

 

00;31;28;05 – 00;31;28;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;31;28;20 – 00;31;48;05

Brandon Webb

And he’s like, you got to show up, you know, eight in the morning. And here’s where you need to be for your indoctrination. But I’m like, here’s your MTA card. Like and gave him the directions. But he’s the fact he said the fact he handed me a subway card at 16 and I had to go get on the train and take it to work.

 

00;31;48;05 – 00;32;13;14

Brandon Webb

He’s like, I knew most of my friends parents would never let them do that. But he’s like that for my confidence and that you believed in me to do that. That was a huge impact and still stays with him today. Is 24 running in a software business. So these things, these things really matter. And parents, I think generally maybe it’s a convenience thing or like, oh, it’s easier for me to do it.

 

00;32;13;16 – 00;32;22;04

Brandon Webb

But but remember like these things are huge for your kids and it’s and it’s accumulates over time. And that’s how you get confident kids.

 

00;32;22;06 – 00;32;40;04

Dr. Mona

I’m curious from your experience again, I don’t have data to show this or just from what you’ve seen, maybe in your household with your partner, other couples, do you feel like the cautious parent tends to be more of the woman, and then the more like what you just said? Like, let him let him go out into the world.

 

00;32;40;04 – 00;32;57;06

Dr. Mona

Give him the main card tends to be more of the man in the relationship. Or do you feel like a mix is happening? Because I’m trying to get at is like, what role dads can play? And this could just be personality to like I am more risk. I’m less risk averse than my husband. But I’m just curious what you’ve seen.

 

00;32;57;06 – 00;33;03;07

Dr. Mona

And if you even talk about that in the book on how dads, dads themselves can play that role versus maybe a mom can do.

 

00;33;03;09 – 00;33;22;01

Brandon Webb

Yeah, I, I you you probably and I don’t have the data on this too, but I think you’re probably on to something where the mother generally tends to over protect and the father’s like, come on, let’s go. Yeah. So I think that that’s a good probably an accurate stereotype. I do think things are changing, you know.

 

00;33;22;01 – 00;33;22;14

Dr. Mona

Yes.

 

00;33;22;22 – 00;33;44;21

Brandon Webb

Like you said, like you work more hours than than your husband. So the roles are changing. I think the biggest thing in parenting is making sure that you’re on, on the same page. And that’s regardless of whether you’re, you know, married or divorced or co-parenting. Like I was. But the one thing I did make sure like we were always on the same page, a united front.

 

00;33;44;21 – 00;34;10;22

Brandon Webb

And there were times where I didn’t agree, but I’m like, okay, I’m going with her on this. And a few cases where we we over punish like we we tell the story of this, situation where the oh, my oldest had his girlfriend, ex-girlfriend left town, left him like a bag of pot. And he’s like, well, I don’t do drugs, but my sister, my younger sister is she’s with all the cool kids, so maybe I’ll get her to sell it.

 

00;34;10;22 – 00;34;36;03

Brandon Webb

Like, these are, like, to 4.3 GPA. Kids and speech and debate like. And so I’m like, what are you thinking? Right? So she. So their mom finds this weed and and, Madison’s backpack. And it was like a huge family drama. And we, we uncover that it’s actually Jackson, our oldest. Like, he’s the plot master, right? So. Right.

 

00;34;36;05 – 00;34;54;09

Brandon Webb

What are you thinking? Like you’re going to ruin your whole, all this hard work you put in the school is going to be for nothing, right? But anyway, we she’s like, we got to take away from. I know how much he wants to go to junior prom. We. You know, that was the you know, that was what she wanted.

 

00;34;54;09 – 00;35;11;28

Brandon Webb

I was like, I know I think it’s too much. And she’s like, nope, we’re doing it. So when end up happening was Jackson. He went to prom anyway. Yeah. He wrote he wrote his mom this letter, and she called me crying and read it to me. And we were both crying on the phone, and she’s like, you were right.

 

00;35;11;28 – 00;35;37;14

Brandon Webb

We all punished. So the point of that story is sometimes you you’re going to make mistakes as parents. But there’s also humility and a lesson in apologizing. Apologize, guys, with your kids. And we told Jackson, look, we’re sorry. You were right. We took it too far. And then, ironically, this is a kid who graduated in Covid, had no senior prom.

 

00;35;37;16 – 00;35;39;24

Brandon Webb

And so this was, like, his only problem.

 

00;35;39;28 – 00;35;41;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;35;41;15 – 00;36;03;25

Brandon Webb

But, you know, that’s, you know, I think, you know, being on the same page is super important. Supporting each other and the co-parent journey is very important. And then you kind of make mistakes and it’s okay to say you’re sorry to your kids. And I think that you’re also modeling. Good to your point earlier that conflict resolution, right.

 

00;36;03;28 – 00;36;31;26

Dr. Mona

Yeah. I think the the United front is so valuable. It’s my dream as a pediatrician when I’m in an office, especially, by the way, in a co-parenting situation, because that is tends to be where things start to divide a lot more, because now there’s separation of homes. And I’m always trying to, you know, as a pediatrician, we joke that we’re not just a pediatrician, we’re a social worker, a therapist, like a marriage counselor trying to get everyone on the same page because for the benefit of everybody, not just I mean, let’s be honest, not even for the child, is it?

 

00;36;31;26 – 00;36;49;14

Dr. Mona

Feel good to be in a constant this with someone, whether you’re with them or not. Like it’s just not something that’s fun. And I wanted to go back to the story that you were mentioning about your son, you know, going up to the soccer players. And I’m so I love that story and I feel the same way. And, my son is six at the time of this reporting.

 

00;36;49;14 – 00;37;08;21

Dr. Mona

And one thing that I’m teaching him, which I think is so valuable, is asking for what you want in life, even at the, at restaurants. Right. Like and sometimes it takes him longer and sometimes the waitress is kind of annoyed. Right. And I’m like, I don’t care. Like, I want you to learn how to speak to another human being, because I think that’s an important skill.

 

00;37;08;24 – 00;37;32;16

Dr. Mona

And my son is also very shy. So that doesn’t mean that I force him and say, well, you’re not going to eat if you don’t order. But an example that I give is our kids are losing basic need for patience, right? In this generation because of tech, because everything’s on demand. I really feel like this generation of younger kids doesn’t have to wait as much, doesn’t have to learn that not everything is for them, that you’re going to have to run errands, and that you’re not going to get anything out of it.

 

00;37;32;16 – 00;37;48;21

Dr. Mona

You’re not going to get a cookie. You’re not going to get a candy. You are here because I need to do something. So I take I took them to the bank and we don’t even really need to go to the bank anymore. Right? Everything’s digital. Everything is all like electronic. But he has a piggy bank and he wanted coins first piggy bank and money for his piggy bank.

 

00;37;48;28 – 00;38;00;23

Dr. Mona

And I said, sweetie, if you want coins for your piggy bank, you have to ask the teller and I will tell you what to say. But we are not getting the coins unless you ask for yourself. And he was like, well, I don’t want to. And I’m like, then we go home and you can try again later, right?

 

00;38;00;23 – 00;38;20;28

Dr. Mona

This is not food. This is my and so then he he’s like, just tell me what to say. And I’m like, okay. And I told him and he went up there and he told. And the confidence that’s built when he finally did it, it may sound so silly that it’s asking for coins, but for a six year old who’s never done that before now he wants to go ask everybody for everything.

 

00;38;20;28 – 00;38;39;17

Dr. Mona

He’s like, mommy, I’ll go order my my, my, my hot chocolate or something like, I’ll go order this. And like to your point, it takes the coaching and it also takes which is segueing into my next question. It takes us as a parent to understand where to push and where to rein it in. So how do you approach that as a dad?

 

00;38;39;17 – 00;38;55;17

Dr. Mona

Right. Like to say that moment. Right. Obviously it’s a low stakes moment. It’s like going to ask, you know, him for a photo, but do you think about that or is that just something by the moment that happens of like, okay, how much am I going to push my kid? And when do I know that it’s too much pushing that I’m doing?

 

00;38;55;19 – 00;39;22;28

Brandon Webb

Yeah, I mean, that’s it’s a good question. I think in, in your example with the bank teller. Right. Like that’s a low stakes. Right. It’s not life or death. Right. And this is the same with the autograph. It’s not life or death. But I knew, you know, having, having had the experience of, of, raising his older siblings that this is a crucial moment.

 

00;39;23;00 – 00;39;44;23

Brandon Webb

So I think our job as parents is to find these moments, even for me, I’m always trying to look for positive in a negative outcome. And and I think that that’s kind of shaped my thinking, like, okay, how can we learn from this situation whether whether it’s, you know, a canceled flight, you know, people losing their minds at the airport?

 

00;39;44;28 – 00;40;08;08

Brandon Webb

I would use these opportunities like, look, kids like, you see, these people like going crazy. Like, this is not worth getting upset. It’s out of our control. And taking this opportunity to kind of use, use those opportunities as teaching, teaching points. I think that’s that’s our job as parents. But, you know, you see how such a little thing is asking someone for change.

 

00;40;08;15 – 00;40;39;01

Brandon Webb

It’s now like he has his breakthrough and he’s like, not afraid to go ask people and that that’s great. And that that’s the power of these little ordinary things that I’ve seen these successful parents. And, you know, when I was living in New York and they dealt they shield their kids. They don’t allow their kids. I was I was reading somewhere in the New York Times the other day where it was like a finance guy had bought a farm in upstate New York, and he was just like, you know, cashed out and living the dream.

 

00;40;39;04 – 00;40;54;06

Brandon Webb

And it’s like the worst thing he said was when the summer comes around, these parents start calling him to see if their jobs for their 18 year old, 19 year old kids. And he’s like, how bear thing? Like, I would never hire a kid with a parent like that.

 

00;40;54;08 – 00;40;54;27

Dr. Mona

Because.

 

00;40;54;29 – 00;41;18;05

Brandon Webb

They have zero work ethic. Like, this kid can’t even pick up the phone and call me and see if we’re hiring for the summer farm jobs. So I think that’s I’ve seen it like. And IT parents are well-meaning, but they’re just they’re not they’re robbing their kids of these like everyday things, which is what is going to make a confident kid, when they become an adult.

 

00;41;18;05 – 00;41;21;18

Brandon Webb

So, I did want to read something.

 

00;41;21;21 – 00;41;22;14

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love it.

 

00;41;22;17 – 00;41;44;29

Brandon Webb

Yeah. So this is so my daughter I talk about in the book, when your kids grow up and leave home like, how do you create this connection? And I call it the Forever Family. And I worked really hard at making my kids, like, instilling these traditions. So we still go on vacation every summer together. We still do a ski trip.

 

00;41;44;29 – 00;41;45;18

Dr. Mona

Amazing.

 

00;41;45;18 – 00;42;12;10

Brandon Webb

Yeah. And they’re asking me like, dad, let’s go to Japan on a ski trip, for sure. That’s a little pricey, but the point is these my adult kids are my friends, and we’re. And it’s such an amazing thing to have this friendship with your child who’s an adult. And so recently, my daughter came from London and she’s at the Royal College of Art with her, one of her best friends, who’s also at the same program.

 

00;42;12;12 – 00;42;28;24

Brandon Webb

And I hosted them for, two weeks, and I was up early, like, making matcha for them. Nice. Scheduling, the nail appointments, the hair, everything. And then when they left, she wrote me this card, which I’ll read you.

 

00;42;28;24 – 00;42;29;08

Dr. Mona

I love it.

 

00;42;29;08 – 00;42;52;23

Brandon Webb

And I posted this on Substack, too. She says, dad, friend, master, matchmaker, yoga, yoga, buddy, etc. because we do yoga together and she comes. You’ve created a home in Lisbon and how lucky am I that you’ve been making a home in places all around the world my whole life? Jealous you get to live out the New York experience soon.

 

00;42;52;25 – 00;43;13;17

Brandon Webb

You always go above and beyond to support me. The older I get, the more I see and appreciate it. Thank you for helping me live out my dreams and London. I’m so happy and passionate about what I do and study, and I owe that privilege to you. Thank you for always welcoming my friends and treating them like family.

 

00;43;13;19 – 00;43;39;28

Brandon Webb

You’ve taught me to find good people. I love you so much. Thanks for letting us hang. You’re the coolest. Oh love, Maddie, but that’s a 22 year old. Yeah, daughter writing that. And to me, I was like, that’s the return on investment. Yeah. When you when you put your effort into this, you get happy, confident kids. And then yeah, they’re going to keep coming back to you if you do your job.

 

00;43;39;28 – 00;43;44;15

Brandon Webb

Right. So I just saw that was that was a winner. I needed to read, though.

 

00;43;44;17 – 00;44;06;01

Dr. Mona

I what a winner. I mean, I, you know, the, there’s a quote that goes around that the true test of parenting is how your kids want to be around you when they don’t need you for anything. Like, you know, when they grow up as adults and they don’t need you for bills or anything like that, and the impact you make on their life, showing up, challenging them, it does matter.

 

00;44;06;01 – 00;44;23;21

Dr. Mona

And I can say this as someone who has young kids because I not only know the research, but I also take care of older children, right? As being a pediatrician, I run the gamut of a newborn to a 21 year old, and then I have. I’m very curious. You know, I’m always like talking to people like yourself, like, what is what is it that you think matters when you have grown children?

 

00;44;23;21 – 00;44;41;27

Dr. Mona

And I love this sort of letting. I had another conversation with the pediatrician who has like seven children. The oldest is in his 30s, the youngest is in this is 16 and similar concept of like letting, letting the little things go and just pushing them where they need to be pushed. And I think to your point and I, you know, I know we’re talking about fathers and their involvement.

 

00;44;41;29 – 00;45;01;12

Dr. Mona

There was a video that went around where a dad was doing that, right. Like dad was doing what we’re describing, right? Pushing his child and making his child understand that it’s he it’s okay to be afraid and that he could handle something. And everyone was applauding the dad and I said, awesome, dad, this is so great. But for all the moms watching, don’t forget that you can do that too.

 

00;45;01;12 – 00;45;18;04

Dr. Mona

And I said that because I think, like you said, I think the tides are turning. Dads play an incredible role in so many ways. Right? Like I think the the roughhousing, like I don’t roughhouse with my kids. I think that’s a very man thing to do to roughhouse. And I don’t know, did you roughhouse a lot with your kids?

 

00;45;18;10 – 00;45;36;22

Dr. Mona

Yeah, like like you know, my my my husband was a WWE fan, so he’s like, power bombing my kids on the couch. I’m afraid that I’m going to hurt them because I’m not strong enough, even though I’m pretty strong. But that’s such a dad special thing, right? Like roughhousing. It’s like a biologically, males like to roughhouse, whether it’s with their daughter, with their son.

 

00;45;36;25 – 00;45;54;16

Dr. Mona

That’s not a female thing. Like maybe some girls do it, but I say that is like, that’s a male, very male thing. And then women tend to be the nurturers. But when it comes to like fostering all the things you’re talking about, I think it’s important to remember that fathers had such a big role. Like you said, like and showing their kids, and that mothers can support that.

 

00;45;54;16 – 00;46;13;08

Dr. Mona

But by learning to be like that, like I look at my husband’s laxity attitude about certain things, do I wish you would hold boundaries on other things? Yeah. But I also learned that I don’t need to hold the boundaries so hard every time. I don’t need to be like that. I can leave five minutes for roughhousing. It’s not going to be the end of the world.

 

00;46;13;11 – 00;46;34;11

Dr. Mona

And I think as long as people are learning that somewhere, whether it’s through this conversation, through their partner, if they have a male partner or maybe their female partners like that, I think we can raise more balanced, confident, resilient kids. You know? Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;46;34;13 – 00;46;52;07

Brandon Webb

Oh oh 100%. And the little ordinary, the little ordinary things make a huge difference. Oh, and I was going to say the I don’t know if I just discovered this from when I was researching the book, but there’s an amazing app called acorns early.

 

00;46;52;12 – 00;46;53;15

Dr. Mona

Oh yes, I’ve heard of it.

 

00;46;53;15 – 00;47;04;07

Brandon Webb

Yep. Yeah, that’s. And it’s it’s like gamified learning about money. And I think that’s so important to teach our children about how the system works or the system doesn’t get them.

 

00;47;04;10 – 00;47;23;14

Dr. Mona

They’re actually a sponsor on this podcast. I hope you know that. Yes, they are, and I’m actually my son. So now that he’s interested in this whole concept of coins, asking me the gazillion questions about, you know, how many pennies make a dollar and like, why are there not pennies anymore? And all the stuff? I’m like, I think we need to talk about money, because now he wants to break that piggy bank.

 

00;47;23;21 – 00;47;40;28

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, want to teach him about saving, investing and spending. And so we have that whole conversation coming, and I think I might need to get that for him. And that’s great. The couple last questions I have for you. You know, you talked about earlier about the inner voice, right? How we talk to kids, become their inner voice.

 

00;47;40;28 – 00;47;59;24

Dr. Mona

You’re preaching to the choir. I do a lot of videos on this. What are some shifts dads can make to move from more reactive language to something that builds confidence? And the example I want to go back to as many times, not all dads, I think you’re different. I think you’re doing great. But many dads, when they’re raising their boys or raising their girls.

 

00;47;59;24 – 00;48;17;16

Dr. Mona

But I’ll see. I see it often with a dad raising a boy. They want to instill this tough guy mentality like, don’t cry, don’t do this. What is your approach to sort of raising kids with that inner voice? And what is your approach to handling feelings with children? And you know, whether it’s happy feelings, hard feelings? As a dad.

 

00;48;17;18 – 00;48;39;08

Brandon Webb

I mean, that’s that’s a good question. I think, you know, my approach was, again, I think I maybe I’ve took it too far in the sense I didn’t share my, my shortcomings. Yeah, but, you know, I was always trying to I knew how important modeling good behavior was because the kids, that’s how they learn, right? They’re in the household.

 

00;48;39;08 – 00;49;11;00

Brandon Webb

They’re looking to us to kind of model how they’re going to act and behave. So I, I that was a big thing for me. Part of that was just expressing we’re always been a family of huggers, and we always say we love each other all the time. And again, that just I think that comes down to, to just modeling that, that kind of behavior with my kids, I wasn’t never like people will probably be shocked, but I don’t even think I took my sons to shoot to teach him how to shoot a gun.

 

00;49;11;00 – 00;49;46;19

Brandon Webb

Like I’m a sniper. Like, oh, my guy friends dying to to do that. So yeah, but I, I let my kids my, my philosophy was I’m going to be a good leader. I’m going to show them how to how to act in the world. Good emotions, bad emotions. You know, when, when I always saw, like, somebody losing their shit, whether it was in the at the ski hill, the school or the baseball field, I would have a conversation with my kids about the same about, look, that’s that’s not a good way to handle that stuff.

 

00;49;46;19 – 00;50;09;17

Brandon Webb

So I think there’s that. Then with being the same way with kind of pushing them to be a little bit braver, I think a a good thing that we can do as parents is sometimes they need that push when they, for instance, it’s kind of like kids, like I want to I want a puppy, you know, but they don’t have any idea how much work it is to raise a puppy, right?

 

00;50;09;17 – 00;50;29;10

Brandon Webb

Yeah. Which I think can be a positive experience. But are things like the ski lessons, right. When my kids said, look, we want to we want to learn how to ski. So I remember the first week I put them in and lessons about halfway through the week. They’re like, this sucks, we’re cold. We don’t want to do this anymore.

 

00;50;29;10 – 00;50;33;07

Brandon Webb

And I said, look, I get it, but you’re going to finish the ski lesson.

 

00;50;33;14 – 00;50;34;10

Dr. Mona

I agree.

 

00;50;34;13 – 00;50;57;00

Brandon Webb

And when you finish, then you can decide if you don’t want to do this or not. And then when of course, as parents, we know it’s going to happen. Right. So end of the week. So now they can ski and they’re like, oh this is fun. Let’s go for it. But they need I think that that middle area where kids can kind of get stuck and maybe it’s easy for a parent to just, okay, don’t worry about it.

 

00;50;57;00 – 00;51;19;00

Brandon Webb

And they pull them out of lessons. No. You’re again you’re robbing you’re robbing them of that because what you’re teaching them is like sometimes it’s difficult. And to get to the kind of reward, you got to push through that middle sucker section, and then you’re going to finish this and realize, oh, wow, it’s great. It’s like, you know, now your your son’s asking everybody for change.

 

00;51;19;03 – 00;51;36;06

Dr. Mona

Yeah, exactly. So like definitely do need change. I’m going to go. Do you like anyone need an errand I love it but isn’t it such a reward? Like. I mean, I love hearing you talk about this years, you know, having your older children and reading that. Thank you so much for reading that letter. I, I get that in smaller ways, in different ways.

 

00;51;36;06 – 00;51;56;14

Dr. Mona

Now, having smaller children, you know, in the things that my son says back to me in a kind way and like the way he shows the world, right? Like, again, you mentioned beautifully like how important modeling is, not only the modeling of emotional regulation, the modeling of healthy communication, but the modeling of how we speak to others and what you did beautifully, which I always talk about.

 

00;51;56;14 – 00;52;15;02

Dr. Mona

You know, how you talked about someone getting angry in public and having a conversation with that. You know, for all of our listeners doing that so young, like I even when we have when I had a toddler, like my son was little and there would be a baby or toddler crying in the, in the store, right? And you’re like, oh, he’s crying.

 

00;52;15;02 – 00;52;32;08

Dr. Mona

I’m like, yeah, why do you think he’s crying? He must be really sad. And, you know, there’s two things there’s teaching us how we not how we don’t act, especially when we’re older. Like I agree, like a grown person should not be berating and screaming, but also for the younger kids, this emotional education of like, hey, we have feelings.

 

00;52;32;12 – 00;52;47;15

Dr. Mona

How? What do you do when you’re feeling sad, right? Like, what do you do when, things are feeling frustrating to you? And so like, it’s this whole ecosystem. And I think sometimes parents get so bogged down with like my like, oh my God, I got to spend all this time, like you said, like I got to do all this time.

 

00;52;47;15 – 00;53;01;12

Dr. Mona

But for working 70 hours a week, how much you can just educate and be there for your kid in the moment and teach them these life skills from the day to day experiences that you have. Like you’re going to go to the store with them, you’re going to go to the park, you’re going to do things. It doesn’t have to be.

 

00;53;01;12 – 00;53;22;07

Dr. Mona

I agree with you, like all day, every day with your kid. My kids are learning so much valuable skills from me, their mother and their father who both work full time and it’s again, it’s that a willingness, I think, to like, want to show up and teach your kid about the world. And that requires you to understanding like what you want to teach them, like where your values are and I love this.

 

00;53;22;07 – 00;53;44;26

Brandon Webb

Conversation so much. And I think especially as the as the children get older, it’s and it really happens. I would say to me around sophomore year in high school where your kids realize they’re not kids anymore. And I think the parents need to realize that they’re less of a dictator and they have to be more of like a counselor.

 

00;53;45;00 – 00;54;10;08

Brandon Webb

Yeah. And that’s a very interesting role shift. But you know, you can either continue to kind of, you know, enforce your way and realize that maybe your kids are going to get pushed away. Because I was on a I was on a panel, the other day and a parent asked me, he’s like, our 16 year old is about to turn 17.

 

00;54;10;11 – 00;54;31;16

Brandon Webb

He’s obsessed with joining the military, and he needs our permission to sign up early. And he’s like, done the research. He’s like, clearly this kid is super passionate. Whether or not that’s a good idea or not, that’s beyond the point. But but my thing as a parent, I would always try and support when the kids expose them to as many different things as possible.

 

00;54;31;23 – 00;54;50;21

Brandon Webb

When they find something that lights them up, support that in a healthy way, and support them and let them. Sometimes they need to come to the conclusion on their own that this was a bad idea. But this, this data was basically trying to ask me, how do I talk my kid out of this? Because my kid doesn’t feel supported.

 

00;54;50;21 – 00;54;54;19

Brandon Webb

And I was like, of course he doesn’t feel supported because you’re not fucking supportive.

 

00;54;54;19 – 00;54;55;13

Dr. Mona

Exactly.

 

00;54;55;15 – 00;54;56;26

Brandon Webb

Like I was like.

 

00;54;56;26 – 00;54;58;13

Dr. Mona

Where do you think it’s going to come from? Right?

 

00;54;58;15 – 00;55;19;05

Brandon Webb

Yeah. And I was like, you just trying to talk him out of it rather than say, look. And I said, look, there could be worse outcomes. Your kid is doing good in school. He wants to go join the military. I said, look, it happened to me like I needed direction. Like, I tell you, if you’re worried about your kid finding a direction going in the military, he’s going to figure it out really quick.

 

00;55;19;05 – 00;55;45;18

Brandon Webb

Best. Yeah. But I think regardless of what like what the kids get excited about career wise, education wise, our goal is, you know, we can kind of nudge them softly, but if they’re dead set on that, I was my philosophy was always support them to the max. And that shows in the letter I just read, because my daughter, I’ve always supported her because she’s call me like, dad, I want to do this.

 

00;55;45;18 – 00;56;05;09

Brandon Webb

I’m like, look, if that’s what you want to do, let’s we’ll figure out a way, like, let’s do it. Yeah. And as dads, I would speak to when you have daughters especially, I felt it was I remember reading this somewhere that says your the way you treat your daughter is how she’s going to like, look to be treated in her relationships.

 

00;56;05;09 – 00;56;06;25

Brandon Webb

And I was like, oh my God, okay.

 

00;56;06;25 – 00;56;09;01

Dr. Mona

Now 1,000%.

 

00;56;09;04 – 00;56;29;14

Brandon Webb

So my daughter’s covered in New York. We’re going to get mani pedis together. We’re going to do this. I’m getting your flowers. You know, but the one thing I did do is really try. And my kids would all say this, but, but with my daughter, especially surround her with amazing women. Like, I went out of my way.

 

00;56;29;16 – 00;56;54;12

Brandon Webb

And I was fortunate enough living in a city like New York at the time to find the head of the Macmillan publishing, Sally, and have a lunch with her and my 12 year old daughter and just show expose her to to these amazing woman who are out, out in the world doing things. That was something I think really helps, Madison on her journey because she is extremely competent.

 

00;56;54;14 – 00;57;19;20

Brandon Webb

And, it’s a great feeling as a dad in and parents asked me this question quite often to they say, well, what do we what do I do about the phone, about this and about all these things that are entering their kids lives is like the best thing you can do as a parent is raise your kids to make good decisions, because then you don’t have to worry about the million of variables out there.

 

00;57;19;23 – 00;57;31;16

Brandon Webb

There’s you’ve raised good decision makers. You’re going to figure it out. Maybe they’re not going to get every call right, but they’re generally going to be okay in the world. And that’s the best thing you can do. Yeah. Because you can’t control everything. Yeah.

 

00;57;31;16 – 00;57;58;12

Dr. Mona

Yes. Yes. That control aspect. And that’s something that was a huge realization for me. You know, I have control tendencies. I have, you know, I mean, I have anxiety, I have I want to part of that is because I have control tendencies. It comes together. Right. And I appreciate this. And so for, you know, our listeners, especially to our dads, because I love that I’m releasing this around Father’s Day, a lot of my listeners are moms who have male partners.

 

00;57;58;12 – 00;58;11;23

Dr. Mona

So make sure you you send this to your your spouses. If you have a male partner. For all the dads listening, what would be your final uplifting message to them on how they can better show up for their kids? To raise more confidence children in their lives?

 

00;58;11;25 – 00;58;34;15

Brandon Webb

I would say for dads, you know, just being present, you know, putting down and being present, not, you know, being in the same room with your kid and answering work emails on your cell phone. Right. I’m talking to put the phone away and just be present no matter what age. Be present even if it’s just rolling around on the floor with your toddler.

 

00;58;34;18 – 00;58;52;07

Brandon Webb

That that makes a huge difference and ask better questions. Because even I was, on a father-son trip with my 19 year old, Tyler, he he wanted to come to New York, and he’s super sporty. So he’s like, let’s go see when we play the Brooklyn Nets. So I brought him in New York on our father son trip.

 

00;58;52;07 – 00;59;15;08

Brandon Webb

This is back in March. And we went to dinner and I prepared two questions for him for dinner. I like what’s one thing that is a is you’re feeling a lot of pressure on that. Your mom and I don’t realize second question was, what is one thing that you’re doing at college that you think may be a waste of your time?

 

00;59;15;10 – 00;59;34;28

Brandon Webb

These two questions was four hours worth of deep conversation. The first one’s his answer to the first one surprised me because he says that my girlfriend’s parents, my friends, parents, they all put pressure on me because they compare me to you as a Navy Seal. And they’re always asking me, are you going to be a Navy Seal like your dad?

 

00;59;35;00 – 00;59;56;11

Brandon Webb

Like so we had this whole conversation about what I was, you know, wanted for him and his life was just to do you, dude, like, be you. And don’t let any adult who’s dealing with their own issues project their bullshit on you. You do what you do because that’s all I want. Your father and your mom wants the same as you to be happy and find your thing.

 

00;59;56;11 – 01;00;07;21

Brandon Webb

So don’t don’t, don’t worry about the noise of these adults, because you see that, too. It’s what I call kind of like the well-meaning adults that that say bad things, right?

 

01;00;07;23 – 01;00;08;27

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

01;00;08;29 – 01;00;10;02

Brandon Webb

They don’t even realize it.

 

01;00;10;07 – 01;00;16;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah, because they have not had the reflection that myself. And you could have had that. Hey, maybe we don’t see these things. So. Yeah.

 

01;00;16;15 – 01;00;40;11

Brandon Webb

Yeah, yeah. The second answer was he said, I’m being peer pressure to go to parties and I’m drinking too much beer. And so we had a whole conversation about peer pressure because he’s like, yeah, I don’t even like drinking. I just want to get up and do my studies. And so yeah, I mean, but but those two questions alone, four hours of dinner conversation that we went missing.

 

01;00;40;14 – 01;00;42;22

Brandon Webb

So, I question.

 

01;00;42;24 – 01;01;03;15

Dr. Mona

I love it, ask better questions and be present here, here. I mean, obviously this is so directed to dads. Being from your dad perspective. But of course I can say this as a mom, those matters so much. And the the presence and the removal of the phone, having a job that’s that can take me away if I don’t watch out for that is extremely important, right.

 

01;01;03;15 – 01;01;25;28

Dr. Mona

Like I my entire business is online, right. Social media and information. It is requiring me consciously and intentionally to be like, I do not want this to be in the room with my children right now. And it matters like I, you don’t need a lot of hours. Like you said, you just need quality. And quality does not mean just sitting in the room with them.

 

01;01;25;28 – 01;01;40;05

Dr. Mona

Like you said, it’s connecting. It’s not asking those questions. It’s not. How is your day? It’s like, tell me something that made you like for my six year old. Tell me something that made you happy today. Who’s kind you to who’s kind to you today? Who played with you today? What made you feel sad when that person didn’t play for you?

 

01;01;40;05 – 01;01;57;10

Dr. Mona

Like really opening him up? So as a male, he understands that we talk. Same thing I do for my daughter. I kind of treat them the same in terms of like, even though they’re both different sexes, in terms of understanding, emotions matter. Your inner voice matters the most. We have your back, like you said, and it’s just so great.

 

01;01;57;12 – 01;02;01;07

Dr. Mona

Brandon, where can people go to stay connected and get your book?

 

01;02;01;10 – 01;02;09;23

Brandon Webb

Just my author site, Brandon Tyler, Web.com. I have my Substack on there, on my social media, and the book book is on there as well.

 

01;02;09;28 – 01;02;10;18

Dr. Mona

Amazing.

 

01;02;10;22 – 01;02;13;27

Brandon Webb

This will be a book that dads will want to read, I guarantee you.

 

01;02;14;03 – 01;02;27;23

Dr. Mona

I love it, I love it, I am so grateful. I do ask one last question to all of my guests. That is whatever you want to say. Has it don’t have to do with the book, but what is making you so happy right now in your life?

 

01;02;27;25 – 01;02;55;08

Brandon Webb

Honestly, the the this letter that, Madison gave me, right? It just caused me to reflect on, you know, just all of the sacrifice, the hardship that we make as as parents or we make an experience as parents is is worth it because you end up with, you know, three amazing humans that you can be proud of and who are calling you like to your point where they don’t need anything.

 

01;02;55;08 – 01;03;24;17

Brandon Webb

And that that makes me it is I read diaries zero recently, which is about, you know, experience experiences in life when we get older, like you and I, we’re sitting in our, you know, our chair at 89 years old, we can’t go out in the world and do physical things, but work what makes us happy is reflecting on those memories of these amazing experiences that we’ve had with our friends, our family, our children.

 

01;03;24;19 – 01;03;47;03

Brandon Webb

That’s what’s important. And I can tell you, I’m 51 year old father of, you know, 24, 22, 19. It’s an incred able feeling, of of just warmth to have kids that want to hang out with you and we’ll call you for advice when they don’t need anything, you know. Yeah, that’s that is what makes me most happy right now, for sure.

 

01;03;47;05 – 01;04;03;29

Dr. Mona

You’re making me excited to continue this journey. I always have been, but I just love speaking with other parents who love being a parent. Like, it just is obvious that you do. It’s obvious that you know that this is an important role. It’s not just having kids, it’s raising a human. That’s a, a quote that I’ve heard, and it’s like, that’s it.

 

01;04;03;29 – 01;04;23;17

Dr. Mona

Like, like so many people forget that it’s not just cute baby rolls and like, you know, oh, I had a baby. It’s like you’re raising someone who’s going out into the world. Like what? What legacy do you want to leave behind? Like, my kids are my legacy in that I imparted everything we knew we know to do. It’s not always going to be perfect, but I love that you’re doing that same work.

 

01;04;23;17 – 01;04;25;19

Dr. Mona

And thank you so much for joining me today.

 

01;04;25;22 – 01;04;30;16

Brandon Webb

Yeah, thanks for having me. It’s been a great conversation.

 

01;04;30;18 – 01;04;51;12

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for tuning in. One thing that really stuck with me from this conversation is when Brandon said that we need to take the good, our parents gave us and leave the bad behind. And I’ve said that too before, because it’s so important. He grew up without a model for engaged fatherhood, and instead of repeating the pattern, he broke it because it didn’t serve him.

 

01;04;51;14 – 01;05;14;24

Dr. Mona

That’s a powerful reminder that you do not need to have a perfect blueprint to be a present parent. You just need the willingness to show up and do it differently. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode. What resonated with you the most, and what’s one takeaway you’re holding on to? Maybe it’s asking your kids better questions, letting them jump in a few more puddles, or sharing more of your own stories of failure.

 

01;05;14;27 – 01;05;38;11

Dr. Mona

Let’s continue the conversation on our social channels. And if today’s conversation spoke to you because I think it did, share it on your stories and tag at the PedsDocTalk podcast, at PedsDocTalk and Brandon T Webb, because you never know which dad in your circle might need to hear this message. To learn more about Brandon and grab a copy of Puddle Jumpers, head to Brandon Tyler webb.com.

 

01;05;38;13 – 01;05;55;16

Dr. Mona

Thank you for being open to growth and for being such a vital part of the PedsDocTalk community. So many exciting things to come the rest of this year and beyond. Don’t forget to subscribe and download your favorite episodes because that’s what helps the show grow. Have a wonderful week ahead and I can’t wait to connect with you all next week!

 

01;05;55;18 – 01;05;56;06

Dr. Mona

Stay well.