Have you read all the parenting books, followed the expert social media accounts, and known exactly what you want to say to your child—only to find yourself frustrated and yelling in the heat of the moment? You are not alone.

In this episode, I welcome back licensed therapist, author, and crowd-favorite social media follower, Dr. Cassidy Freitas. Together, we take the shame out of “mom rage” and explore the painful gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it when it matters most. Dr. Cassidy dives into the core concepts of her new book, Mom Needs a Moment, explaining how our childhood “rulebooks,” sensory overload, and a lack of societal “margins” trigger our nervous systems into survival mode. Tune in to learn how to catch your triggers, build a buffer between stimulus and reaction, and use the ultimate parenting superpower: the power of repair.

In this episode, we cover:

• The deep shame mothers face when they know the right parenting techniques but still find themselves yelling in moments of frustration.

• How Dr. Cassidy pulled together a decade of clinical themes and personal experiences as a mother of three to write her new book, Mom Needs a Moment.

• How childhood survival “rulebooks” and an overstimulated nervous system cause parents to default to reactive habits like fight, flight, or freeze.

• The desperate need for modern parents to consciously protect empty “margins” of space on their calendars to regulate their bodies outside of stressful moments.

• A powerful look at how breaking generational cycles allows parents to build a lasting emotional legacy for future generations.

Connect with Dr. Cassidy Freitas on Instagram @drcassidy, visit her site ⁠https://www.drcassidymft.com/⁠ and buy her new book: ⁠https://go.shopmy.us/p-69435027⁠ (paid link)

Check out our earlier episode on EMDR: ⁠https://pedsdoctalk.com/podcast/trauma-therapy-why-you-may-need-emdr/⁠ 

00:00 – Introduction & The Parenting Gap

01:54 – EMDR Therapy & Processing Motherhood

03:49 – A Psychic Medium’s Prediction & Toxic Perfectionism

06:33 – Impact vs. Notoriety

08:55 – How the Book Got Its Title

11:31 – The Overstimulated Digital Parenting Era

13:40 – Why Do We Snap? (The Survival Rulebook)

19:57 – Dr. Mona’s Instagram Troll Trigger

22:59 – Why Insight Alone Isn’t Enough to Change Behavior

24:42 – What Are Margins? (Before, During, & After)

32:50 – The Chocolate Popsicle Story

37:46 – The Power of a Child Expecting Repair

42:20 – ADHD, Hyperfocus, and Managing Interruptions

43:53 – Breaking Generational Cycles Without Blame

49:27 – Reclaiming Your Intuition

52:24 – Building Legacy & Finding Joy

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and⁠ ⁠subscribe to PedsDocTalk⁠⁠.

Get trusted pediatric advice, relatable parenting insights, and evidence-based tips delivered straight to your inbox—join thousands of parents who rely on the PDT newsletter to stay informed, supported, and confident.⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠!

And don’t forget to follow⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠@pedsdoctalkpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ on Instagram—our new space just for parents looking for real talk and real support.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the⁠ ⁠PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships⁠⁠ page of the website. 

00;00;00;01 – 00;00;28;05

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

You have to find ways to protect these margins as if they are as important as your child’s very important doctor’s appointment, because you having this space to regulate your nervous system, to process all the things that are coming at you, is what that brings to your kid in terms of like their development and their overall well-being and health is just as important.

 

00;00;28;07 – 00;00;50;18

Dr. Mona

Have you ever known exactly what you wanted to say to your child? Had the words all lined up in your head, and then the moment got loud and all of a sudden everything went out the window. It’s happened to me. Why does that gap exist between knowing what to do and actually doing it? When your kid is melting down in the cereal aisle, or not listening to you for the 17th time?

 

00;00;50;18 – 00;01;11;02

Dr. Mona

And why does it feel like your body reacts before your brain even gets a chance? I’m writing a book now all about limits and setting boundaries, and one of my chapters is about you, the parent or caregiver in the room. Because setting a limit is one thing. Holding it when your child is losing their mind and you’re touched out and running on no sleep is a whole different story.

 

00;01;11;04 – 00;01;36;05

Dr. Mona

I could write an entire book just on that gap, but I don’t have to because there are people who have already done the work and today’s guest is one of them. Today I welcome back licensed therapist and mom of three and friend of mine, Doctor Cassidy Freitas. She offers tele therapy to moms in California and is the author of the new book, Mom Needs a moment How to Stop Your Reaction Before It Starts and become a calmer, happier, more connected parent.

 

00;01;36;08 – 00;01;54;20

Dr. Mona

We’re getting into why knowing what to do and actually doing it in the moment are two totally different skills. And by the end of this episode, you’re going to understand what’s really happening in your body when you snap, what margins are and why your nervous system is desperate for them, and how repair can undo way more damage than you think.

 

00;01;54;22 – 00;02;15;26

Dr. Mona

A quick heads up before we dive in. There is some cursing in this episode, so if you have small children that you do not want to listen to that just too. Disclaimer. If this episode helps you, subscribe so you never miss future episodes, check us out on YouTube with our new revamped intros and subscribe while you’re there! Tag me at PedsDoctalk at the PedsDoctalk podcast.

 

00;02;16;00 – 00;02;30;24

Dr. Mona

Tag Doctor Cassidy at DRK Cassidy so we know it landed. Let’s get into this very important conversation.

 

00;02;30;27 – 00;02;32;09

Dr. Mona

Thank you for being here.

 

00;02;32;12 – 00;02;50;00

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for having me back. I have been all I have been obsessed with our conversations in the past, our conversations about eMDR. I feel like, do we have one on mom rage like in our back to talk about this piece of like getting to know our triggers and breaking cycles? I cannot wait.

 

00;02;50;01 – 00;02;51;12

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

I am so grateful to you.

 

00;02;51;15 – 00;03;07;29

Dr. Mona

And about the eMDR one. So we I can’t. I’m drawing a blank on the date of release, but if you go to my catalog, everyone just search eMDR, Pete’s Doctor podcast, and it will come up. It’s a doctor. Cassidy freed us. And that episode, I mean, last one we recorded that I was going through eMDR right now.

 

00;03;07;29 – 00;03;31;24

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And now I’m a graduate. Like, I can’t believe I’m saying that. And it was a 2 to 3 year journey of processing memories. If you all are not sure what we’re talking about, please listen to that episode. But to be able to have Cassidy come on and chat about that, normalize it. You know, one thing that I always believe is that we have to talk about our feelings in order to learn how to process them, and moms too.

 

00;03;31;27 – 00;03;49;03

Dr. Mona

And we forget to do that as a parenting person. I explain to our parents all the time about teaching our kids that. But moms and dads, we forgot how to check in with ourselves through the process. So I’m happier here. And kudos to the book. How are you feeling? Who is this book for? Like, what are your feelings around this launch?

 

00;03;49;06 – 00;04;10;01

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Thank you so much for that question. Okay, so I am so thrilled to have this book out in the world. It was like ten plus years in the making of just, you know, I, I got I got my PhD, I had my dissertation. I was so burnt out from writing, I actually, had a medium tell me, like, you’re going to write a book.

 

00;04;10;02 – 00;04;12;03

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And I was like, no, thank you. Like.

 

00;04;12;05 – 00;04;16;21

Dr. Mona

No, I’m stressed. Yes. Mediums. No, I love it. They know.

 

00;04;16;24 – 00;04;44;03

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

I have another story about that medium. Maybe I can share in a moment. But, about the book. That was like wild. So she she was like, you know, read a book. I’m like, no, thank you. Oh, no, no, no, thank you. No, no books for me. I’m sobered up from writing. So what I, what I did at that point was I just started, like, brain dumping because I would find that in my own lived experience as a mom of three, like in my work with my clients there kept there are these themes that kept coming up.

 

00;04;44;03 – 00;05;04;24

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And I would just like, throw it in a, in a word, dog brain dump. And then a few years went by and, you know, it came to a point where I was ready, you know, to actually do something with this. And, that became like I started to pull together like themes that, you know, like the categories and that became that became this book.

 

00;05;04;24 – 00;05;39;16

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And it’s, you know, it’s a love letter to, I think, my past self who really, really struggled in early motherhood. It’s a love letter to all of my clients and just the privilege it is to sit with them and to hear their stories, my own experiences, theirs, you know, composites of theirs are the muse for, for this book, which is really like walking the reader through the process that I walk my clients through, to identify their triggers and break cycles and reclaim presents.

 

00;05;39;16 – 00;05;59;15

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And it’s a parenting book for, like, the parent side of things. You know, I love it. And it’s also a love letter to my kids because ultimately they were the ultimate muse for everything that that I, that I wrote about. And, I am so excited that it’s out there. It also is terrifying and so vulnerable, and it’s so interesting.

 

00;05;59;15 – 00;06;18;19

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

It really brought up stuff that are some of my own triggers around, like perfectionism that I need to achieve, and I have to share this story. So the medium told me she’s you’re going to write a book. And I’m like, no, thank you. And she’s like, well, you are. And then she goes, but your your guides or whatever they want me to tell you, don’t worry, it won’t be a bestseller.

 

00;06;18;25 – 00;06;33;00

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And I was like, that’s such a weird thing to say. Like, why would you say it? And like the way that she said it, don’t worry. Anyway, so I was I just was like, okay, like, you know, I was, I was there’s other things I took from it. Right? And I was like, that’s, that’s not going to happen.

 

00;06;33;02 – 00;07;04;24

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Okay. And sitting down I have the book deal. I’m like ready to like dive in to like the next chapter because, you know, I already had like a sample chapter for the proposal, and I’m staring at this blank page and I am riddled with anxiety of like, you know, parts of me that still pop up if like, if this is not a bestseller or like the best book ever, like top number one, whatever, because that’s part of my own history I’ve had to work through, is the need to achieve, to feel like I’m lovable, that I’m enough, that I belong, that I’m safe.

 

00;07;04;27 – 00;07;22;10

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And I was like, frozen in that. And I, I literally remembered in that moment I was like, don’t worry, it won’t be a bestseller. And I was like, wait, freedom to just write this. I just to write it to whoever it touches. And it it literally freed me up in that moment.

 

00;07;22;17 – 00;07;24;17

Dr. Mona

So, you know, I love that.

 

00;07;24;17 – 00;07;28;25

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

But, even whatever, it worked for me in that moment.

 

00;07;28;28 – 00;07;48;05

Dr. Mona

I love that story. And I want to meet this medium so I can chat with her. I feel like I well, one thing I already I love that you’re using the term reclaim, right? Like you said, this book is reclaiming ourselves and even for you, it did that same thing, right? Reclaiming the joy, the connection with your kids, the, you know, reclaiming of who you could be without being a perfectionist, which I can relate to as well.

 

00;07;48;12 – 00;08;07;04

Dr. Mona

And I think it’s very freeing to hear that I at first you can be like, wait, what? But I agree that pressure to the the checkmark, that pressure to have that. I’m also in the process of writing a book and I told myself the same thing. I’m like, do I want this to be a bestseller? Or do I just want the goal to be to reach as many hands and as many people?

 

00;08;07;04 – 00;08;23;12

Dr. Mona

I have an impact. And you’re going to do that too, right? Like, I may not reach those lists either, but it’s it’s so much more freeing to the writing process without the pressure. Like artists to be able to. We’re like artists, right? Writers to be able to create without people saying, well, your art is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

 

00;08;23;15 – 00;08;37;17

Dr. Mona

Like, and rather, you know, five people saying it have really changed my life versus like other opinions that are like, yeah, I didn’t like it. I’m like, I want impact. I don’t want notoriety, if you will. And that’s going to come for you too. And I love that.

 

00;08;37;19 – 00;08;39;09

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Thank you, thank you. Yeah.

 

00;08;39;09 – 00;08;55;05

Dr. Mona

And now I’m. I feel like I should be your medium, too, but I also believe in, like, divine timing. You know, I’m a very divine timing person. I meant, I think you were meant to write this book. Now, maybe you had to go through more of motherhood. Maybe with, patient experiences that you’ve had to now be like, you know what?

 

00;08;55;07 – 00;09;21;13

Dr. Mona

2026 is the year that this book is coming out because I’m ready to write this book. And I felt the same way about my book. I’m not seeing the title yet because I don’t know, by the time this airs if I’m going to have announced it. But I felt the same way because I needed to go through all the things of being a mom, but also the experiences I’ve had with my patients in my office and online to say, ooh, I need to write a book that that is understanding of the unique experience of a parent.

 

00;09;21;20 – 00;09;22;20

Dr. Mona

I love it, yeah.

 

00;09;22;23 – 00;09;48;01

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And yeah. Hold hold your title to your heart for a bit because it might have new iterations like. Yes, at first. At first my book, I was out to me. It was straight mom because that was that was so embedded in like my experience in my first birth in that, you know, my first child, that first postpartum year, it was like the way that I know that I am doing okay is through, like getting A’s.

 

00;09;48;01 – 00;10;06;16

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Right? And that was that’s a piece of my essay. Just that’s a piece of my story. But it changed because that’s not the whole story. And also that’s not everybody’s story. Right. And and I really wanted to bring in just the interactions I’ve had with working with. So many different women. It’s not always that, that, that driving factor.

 

00;10;06;16 – 00;10;28;23

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Right. But I definitely did try to be a really mom, when my first was born in that, like, literal shit. Hit the hit the curtains, hit the fan. That will make sense when you read the introduction, but like, it all felt it was not. I was not because I couldn’t be and I was like it was so disorder and so painful, there to kind of work through those parts of myself.

 

00;10;28;29 – 00;10;50;20

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And then the next iteration was like, I feel like what I keep hearing mom say, and this is like getting into the core and heart of the book where I kept wanting and what I, what parents and moms kept coming into my practice and saying was, if I could just get some fucking space, like and there’s so many meanings around space, right?

 

00;10;50;23 – 00;11;01;04

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And so I first I was thinking like, you know, give me some fucking space. Like, that would be a great title, I think. But we decided to go with Mom Needs a moment because I think that can.

 

00;11;01;04 – 00;11;04;16

Dr. Mona

Be our personal title. Right? I mean, for I like it, I.

 

00;11;04;16 – 00;11;06;19

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like me, have our gay, right.

 

00;11;06;21 – 00;11;07;17

Dr. Mona

But.

 

00;11;07;20 – 00;11;31;18

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Yeah. So, yeah, I wrote all the every mom was coming in and in some iteration of saying, I just need I could just get in this space, like, then, you know, there are these are moms who are, like, consuming now, these days, like, so much parenting content, they’re reading the books for listening to your podcasts and others, you know, and like, they’re they’re like, this aligns like, I want to do this differently.

 

00;11;31;18 – 00;12;01;08

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

It might not have been my experience, but like, I know that I want to do something different. And whether it’s literally because we’re in this digital age with our handheld devices, in this intensive era of parenting, of optimizing everything that there’s literally no space, literally margins on their calendar to even get a beat to, like, process what they just took in all the 47 reels that they watched about parenting, like, or they want space like because they’re touched out.

 

00;12;01;15 – 00;12;27;01

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

They want space like they’re it’s so they find that there’s no space between like their kid triggering them by, like, not listening or talking back or like big feelings or a big meltdown and their reactivity. Right. There’s no space there. There’s like and then there’s also like no space just to reconnect with themselves, no space to like, feel like they are connected to their partners because life is so full and so busy.

 

00;12;27;04 – 00;13;09;27

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

There’s no space for like, mistakes for like, yeah, acknowledging the small progressive steps that are happening. And there’s so many reasons for this. Like culturally but also like historically, that for each person is is a very nuanced story. And that’s, that’s the through line of the book is how do we reclaim moments and margins in space with all of that in consideration, the big societal culture, like your own individual experiences, as like in, you know, in your own families of origin and the cycles and the things that you experience as a child and why your kid triggers you, and why all the parenting advice you jive with.

 

00;13;09;27 – 00;13;19;10

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

But then at the moment, in the moment, you’re like, I can’t access it. Like I’m so disregulated and so triggered by this. Yeah.

 

00;13;19;13 – 00;13;27;02

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;13;27;05 – 00;13;40;09

Dr. Mona

And that is where I think this starts because I had you know, I knew you I knew you wrote this book. And I was like, hey, you need to come on. Like, what are we doing? Like, we have to make sure that we, we have a podcast episode about this. And I want to start with something a parent wrote to me on one of my reels.

 

00;13;40;09 – 00;13;54;06

Dr. Mona

And I think it’s going to resonate with so many people listening. And it’s something that I’m very mindful when I give my advice. But remember, it’s a three minute, like three minute reel that I try to keep it under to explain what to do with the kid. And then also to do with yourself is like a lot. That’s it’s own different conversation.

 

00;13;54;06 – 00;14;20;06

Dr. Mona

Yeah. So she said, I love your advice. It makes so much sense when you talk about this authoritative parenting, because I’m really into that middle ground. Yeah, loving, you know, boundaries. But why is it so hard for me to do in the moment? I just want to scream or yell. So why is there such a gap between knowing what to do and actually being able to do it and wanting to go into that mode of screaming, yelling, or even just letting the limit go because we’re just so overwhelmed.

 

00;14;20;08 – 00;14;33;11

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Oh, it’s such a good question. And just like to that person who off the comment, or any parent who’s listening or watching right now, and it’s like, yeah, that’s me. Also high. That’s high too high.

 

00;14;33;14 – 00;14;34;18

Dr. Mona

We I feel.

 

00;14;34;18 – 00;14;57;18

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

You. You’re so not alone. Like, and here and here’s the work I’ve done in the work that I’ve learned and the research I’ve done, and how I’ve seen it work with parents. And here’s here’s what we know, okay? We can know something cognitively feels right. And I think there’s a bodily experience too of that of like, oh yeah.

 

00;14;57;19 – 00;15;16;11

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like there’s like a little in a little part of us. It’s like that that feels aligned with something that we really value. Right. That little part might actually be guilt, because guilt there to be like, hey, you did something out of alignment with your values and like, here’s the things that might you might actually want to value or that are your values that you want to align with.

 

00;15;16;13 – 00;15;45;22

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And sometimes guilt doesn’t always get a right or doesn’t deliver the message in the kindest way. Or, gosh, this could be like a part of you that’s more of like an inner child part that like read something or see something regarding parenting and like has this inner knowing of like that would have been exactly what I needed, you know, like someone to, like, get down to my level to like, tell me that, like, these things I’m feeling are real, that I’m a real person with these feelings.

 

00;15;45;22 – 00;16;03;09

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And that makes sense, that I would feel these things and I don’t have to shut them down or it’s okay to desire something, you know? I think there’s, there’s, there’s different parts of us that have these sort of knowing that pop up and see something you’re like, yes, there’s that, that, that, that, that vibe I vibe with that.

 

00;16;03;11 – 00;16;37;14

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

But then our bodies, you know, there’s that very, very, very popular book, The Body Keeps the Score. Turns out the body does keep the score. You know, like, yeah, we have a nervous system and a body that has from a very, very early age, had to learn how to figure out how do I survive in this, in these relationships, in this space, in this environment when we’re young, that’s primarily with our caregivers in our homes and what attachment is for a child is I need to keep you close.

 

00;16;37;16 – 00;17;10;05

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

So what do I need to do to keep you close? And unfortunately, a lot of the fabrics of, our generation’s childhoods, our parents, you know, where the where the children of their grandparents, they come in with their own stuff. Right? This isn’t about blaming or shaming. This is about just, like, frickin naming. Like the history and context that I write of what we experience and what you know, what resources our parents had or how they did not have resources right or weren’t getting their own help and work in breaking cycles and working through their own stuff.

 

00;17;10;05 – 00;17;33;00

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

So we experienced it, and maybe that was shutting down our feelings or forcing us to do things that we didn’t want to do, right and like basically lose connection to, like our own relationship to our feelings and our bodies. That basically signals what I need to do as a child to keep these people close is Xyzzy. We develop some sort of rulebook around that.

 

00;17;33;00 – 00;18;06;21

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Right? And unless there was an adult, any adult, a mentor, an adult who came in and supported you in, in kind of, rewiring some of that or came in and repaired with you and said like, hey, I’ve done a lot of things here, like yelling at you or sending you off to deal with things on your own, or making you feel like you have to shut parts of yourself down or and I’m sorry and like to, to come in and repair unless we had those experiences.

 

00;18;06;21 – 00;18;16;04

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Or maybe you went to cut got a chance to go to therapy. We will take this rulebook into our adulthood and I know I did, you know.

 

00;18;16;04 – 00;18;16;29

Dr. Mona

Like yeah.

 

00;18;17;02 – 00;18;53;01

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

I know, I know I did. We aren’t we all did you know and and I know my parents did too. Right from their own experiences. And unless we take a look at this and I know that you you went through this journey through it with eMDR, right? Which is such a powerful tool for this work in therapy, unless we take a look at these rulebooks and rewire and repair these things within ourselves, when I am telling you, when you are sleep deprived, when you when you are, when your life is overstimulating with a child, like when your schedule is full, when there are all the new tabs open in your brain, which I know you

 

00;18;53;01 – 00;19;13;20

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

and I have talked about another conversations, those rule books, which are the most familiar path for how to survive, will open up and say, this is what happens when this thing is happening around you, when there is chaos, when there is yelling, when there is right, like when you weren’t being listened to. This is what you do.

 

00;19;13;20 – 00;19;36;04

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

This is how you respond. This is how you survive the situation. So what’s happening in that moment is the nervous system turns on in it turns on survival. Fight. Flight. Right. Freeze. Foreign flock. There’s a couple others in there, too. They turn on. And whatever. Is the female the most familiar path for how to survive this sort of situation?

 

00;19;36;04 – 00;19;57;16

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Or shut things down. Right, so that you can survive or or get that moment that you’re like that begging for you will do if it’s the most familiar path, unless we consciously identify what these triggers are and identify the old cycles. Right. What the rulebook is, and this is the process that I walk the reader through.

 

00;19;57;19 – 00;20;12;29

Dr. Mona

And I and like you said, I think we have all been there and I have been there as well. And, you know, even just recently, I’ve been looking at, you know, I have a six year old son at the time of this recording, and a three year old and my six year old is very much like me, like personality wise.

 

00;20;13;06 – 00;20;28;11

Dr. Mona

And I, you know, we all have our different temperaments, you know, and my daughter’s very much like my husband. So in that my husband is very go with the flow. He’s very chill, you know, awesome, cool. And sometimes I’m like, that’s great. And then on the flip side I’m like, can you just have some excitement about stuff?

 

00;20;28;14 – 00;20;49;03

Dr. Mona

Me and my son are very fiery, very spirited, whatever. Turning up to it you want to use. And we, you know, we can butt heads sometimes. And this is exactly how it was in my home with my father. My father was exactly like me. He you know, he was very, very boisterous, like loud and funny. But also when anger got into his system, blow ups.

 

00;20;49;03 – 00;21;05;03

Dr. Mona

Right. So it’s like you’re fun when you’re fun, you’re angry when you’re angry. And I and I was the same way. And it’s such a, you know, through the therapy that you said, like you said, lucky enough to have therapy and I do, I do think of myself very lucky to have had therapy through the therapy work, eMDR that I know that helped me.

 

00;21;05;03 – 00;21;28;08

Dr. Mona

I know it may not be for everybody, but all that work really helped me get to the inner, inner experience of why I’m reacting this way. And so one of the biggest things I saw the other day is I was noticing myself, I got I had a troll on my Instagram, like someone who was trolling me, and I was on my own, and it started to trigger me, and I was getting very frustrated because I’m like, oh my gosh.

 

00;21;28;12 – 00;21;48;19

Dr. Mona

And I, I, you know, I haven’t had this happen in a very long time. And I put my phone down and my son asked me for something and I yelled at him. I yelled at him and I yelled, and I was like, I was like, Brian, why are you doing like. And it wasn’t him, right? It was me bringing that experience with the troll into that moment and saying and yelling at Ryan.

 

00;21;48;19 – 00;22;06;00

Dr. Mona

And he’s like, mommy, I was just asking and I’m like, and I. And then because I’ve done so much work, I’ve now gotten to the point to be like, oh, shoot. Like I just did something that I’m not supposed to do, which is let a stupid Instagram person, yeah, affect my real life. Like, I know that, that that’s not something in my value system and what I want.

 

00;22;06;02 – 00;22;19;13

Dr. Mona

And so like you said, I put my phone away because that’s the first thing, remove the stimulus. And I said, Ryan, come here, sweetie. And he was like, it was fine. And I’m like, I’m really sorry for yelling at you. Tell me what it is that you need it. And he’s like, oh, I was just asking, you know, this.

 

00;22;19;13 – 00;22;38;08

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, and then we’ll thank you. I’m like, I shouldn’t have yelled at you like I mommy, mommy was dealing with something in her brain, but it wasn’t your fault. And and those micro moments. Right. Like to be clear to everyone listening myself, Doctor Cassidy, like we’re not angel angels that handle every moment perfectly like I know I love.

 

00;22;38;08 – 00;22;41;15

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

I love talking out rage for a reason.

 

00;22;41;17 – 00;22;59;06

Dr. Mona

And also like, you know, but it takes it takes this level of like, insight. It takes this level of like understanding to change behavior. But like my question is, so many parents understand what they want to say. You know, they’ve read the books, they follow the accounts, but in the moment they still react in the ways they regret.

 

00;22;59;06 – 00;23;16;11

Dr. Mona

So yeah, why is insight alone not enough to change behavior? And how can we actually get to that point where you’re like, oh shoot, I don’t like this, or maybe even intercept before it becomes that reaction. Like, I’m getting totally, you know, like, but I wasn’t happy. I didn’t I didn’t shame myself. I didn’t get angry at myself.

 

00;23;16;11 – 00;23;29;10

Dr. Mona

I said, okay, I realized it, but like, how can we reduce those moments so that it’s happening less and less? Rather than like saying, okay, well, I yelled and I’m gonna just keep repairing so that maybe we just keep reducing the incidence.

 

00;23;29;12 – 00;23;48;12

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Totally. So there’s, there’s in the moment stuff in outside the moment stuff. And the book’s called I Called mommy. It’s a moment. Right. We love we love a moment. We love a moment talk. I’m obsessed with space. It’s the through line of the book. Not and yes, the like Artemis people going to the moon, and project Hail Mary to the space.

 

00;23;48;12 – 00;24;20;12

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

But also I love like my my podcast is called Holding Space. My Substack is a little space. Please. My book is called Mom Needs a moment. Okay. The through line of the book, the punch line. And obviously it has so many more stepwise details in it to walk you through this process. But our species is and and by species I mean our bodies in our brains are desperate, begging us to protect, protect it like it is.

 

00;24;20;12 – 00;24;47;26

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Your child’s doctor’s appointment for a really important appointment. Protect margins of space for ourselves. Here’s the thing I could watch. You know, 47 rules about parenting. Or listen to all the podcasts and read all the books. And honestly, I think a lot of folks now because there’s so much information, are leaving it and actually feeling quite maybe a little worse about themselves.

 

00;24;47;26 – 00;25;19;23

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Yes, yes, a little more anxious. And, and this is like from incredibly empathic, beautiful writers and researchers and experts who are doing incredible work of bringing the research to the stakeholders, parents. Right. Like through their creativity and through their writing. And I am and I’m in that too, right? Like, I am sure that people have come across some of my stuff and they just feel like, like I want to do this because that’s because Instagram and these sort of things, I can only give us these like bite sized things.

 

00;25;19;23 – 00;25;49;08

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And so, like, I want to do that. And yet I’m feeling worse. And I think that what really needs to happen is we, our bodies are begging us for margins of space outside the moment and inside the moment to integrate, to listen to the signals from our body that are signaling that we’ve been triggered or that there’s something here that’s like, not even about this moment, but is showing up for us.

 

00;25;49;10 – 00;26;06;10

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And so outside the moment, I think our brain is just is desperate for us to protect margins of space. Like even it’s like 15 minutes or like it’s waiting in line at the coffee shop, like where you don’t look at your phone and just, like, let your brain wander. It’s in the shower where like for some, for some reason.

 

00;26;06;10 – 00;26;24;04

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And there’s a reason to it. All of our best ideas, creativity like pop up when we’re like in the shower. And there’s a reason we talk about that in the book. If we close the door, we lock the door. We’re able to and just like be in there and like it’s the one place where our phones can’t reach us or like more data, more pings, more information.

 

00;26;24;06 – 00;26;53;08

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Our brains are begging us to protect some space to literally just even process everything that we consumed. And then and then to figure out what parts resonate for me and my voice and like my specific child in this specific situation, to access creativity, to access things like you were a kid once and that little you was still in there and actually has like, so much wisdom to offer of like what they might have needed in a moment.

 

00;26;53;10 – 00;27;25;17

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

My daughter, who’s 14, like, we’re in the teenage, she’s almost 15, like we’re in the teenage years and like things are tricky. And my teen years were tricky and stuff happened. And like, I am accessing the part of me that still remembers what it’s like to be 14, 15 and dating and the friendships and your body and everything and accessing that to like, share pieces with her, to connect with her, to not like be so reactive with her.

 

00;27;25;17 – 00;27;47;23

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And don’t get me wrong, that still happens too. But then I come back and repair. I always have that. But it’s in these moments, right? That it’s outside the moments first where we need to protect these spaces, like just to even, like, sometimes process what we’ve consumed and figure out what actually resonates. And then in the moment, we need to tune it, become more in body like to tune into our bodies.

 

00;27;47;23 – 00;28;03;09

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Right. Which I walk the reader through in the book of how do we do that? So that we can notice in the moment. Oof! My body just signaled to me like that, this I’m this this I just got triggered around this. Right? And like, here’s how I know that my body is doing that. Here’s, like, the pelvis.

 

00;28;03;09 – 00;28;21;05

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

I know which part of my body this is and which part of me this is, you know, and it can happen really quickly to catch it. And then it’s building that space between the trigger and our response. Right. Just like it could literally be a beat. It can get there where it’s just the beat where you catch it, you know, and then you respond differently and not perfectly, not perfectly.

 

00;28;21;05 – 00;28;42;24

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And that’s when we follow up, right? We protect some margins after the moment to come back. But it’s space. Like our body is just desperate for us to get some space to process, to integrate, to notice. Right. And then and then to respond in a more aligned way.

 

00;28;42;26 – 00;29;09;10

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show. Oh, I’d love to make this tangible. So like let’s say, you know, for everyday parenting tantrums, defiant sibling fights. Okay, so let’s use maybe one moment and my first question and then I have a second part is would you say that those margins and I love that you’re using that term the margins before, during and after a reaction.

 

00;29;09;10 – 00;29;14;17

Dr. Mona

Do you feel all of them are equally important, or do you feel one carries more weight than the other? Is my first question.

 

00;29;14;20 – 00;29;34;05

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

They’re all important, you know, like I, I because I am like, but I think that it’s maybe easy to start actually first with out of that like outside before the moment stuff. Right. Because like if you’re listening to this, you know, you’re probably not in the moment with your kid unless you’re like in the car with them. And they’re like asking for a million snacks or like yelling in the back, like, sure, maybe.

 

00;29;34;07 – 00;29;54;08

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

But I think, you know, just somewhere to start is outside the moment. Right. Let’s let’s think about let’s in the book, I talk about this like, let’s imagine that your calendar is like a magical calendar, and it can populate every single thing that fills up your moments during the day, not just the appointments and the activities, but it’s the voice note that you’re setting.

 

00;29;54;08 – 00;30;12;21

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

You know, the five minute voice note you’re sending your friend. It’s the drive home from school where your kids asking you all these obscure questions about life. Yeah, there. You know, it’s it’s like the checking your email or scrolling Instagram in between clients or while you’re waiting in line. It’s constant.

 

00;30;12;21 – 00;30;16;05

Dr. Mona

Yes, yes. I’m laughing. I’m just there’s so many examples.

 

00;30;16;08 – 00;30;40;17

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Yeah. It’s curious if you’re if your calendar. Yeah. Like populated this where with the margins of space the where you are just like turning all the things off. You are looking out at the trees. You’re on a walk without listening to another podcast. You’re like, you know, sitting down and just like was saying like, oh, I’m hungry, I’m thirsty.

 

00;30;40;17 – 00;31;15;24

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like, what? What does my body need right now? Just like these in the shower without with the door actually closed or you’re not also like fielding, like snack requests or like, I like, wipe my mom, like, you know, while you’re in the shower. Yeah. It’s we have to find ways to protect these margins as if they are as important as your child’s very important doctor’s appointment, because you having this space to regulate your nervous system, to process all the things that are coming at you, is what that brings to your kid in terms of like their development and their overall well-being and health is just as important.

 

00;31;15;24 – 00;31;40;09

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And you deserve it outside of your role as a parent. But if that’s where we need to start, like we’re going to protect it because it’s as important as your kid’s really important appointment that it’s just as important. Right? So finding ways to protect this. And then in the moment, you know, as, as we start, you know, doing this outside the moment stuff like that’s going to support the in the moment stuff because all of a sudden you’re going to have be more regulated.

 

00;31;40;13 – 00;31;57;03

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

So it’ll be a little bit easier in the moment right as you protect these things. And I’m not just talking like self-care in the way that we might initially first think of it like we need to go get her nails done or like you do this thing. It’s like I’m talking about like really empty space that’s actually not empty.

 

00;31;57;03 – 00;32;15;21

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

But your brain is like in your body and nervous system are begging for it. Mom needs a moment, quite literally. And then in the moment, it’s around getting to know our triggers, which we talk through in the book of, like, identifying, like, you know, how do we uncover what these triggers are in these different parts of us and how they can show up?

 

00;32;15;24 – 00;32;38;16

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And it’s just creating that little space between the that trigger and that response. As you we talked about this in the book, get to know of it. Become more in body eating it to know these signals from your body. And then there’s outside the moment stuff. You know, afterwards, right where you’re like, oh, that didn’t go as I’d want it to, or now I need space to figure out, like my kid is now in this new stage.

 

00;32;38;16 – 00;32;50;07

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And that that just came up and it kind of took me by surprise. And what, what what do I want to learn now? What do I need to process now? Is my kids getting bigger? And I I’d love to walk you through an example in the.

 

00;32;50;07 – 00;32;50;21

Dr. Mona

Book to kind.

 

00;32;50;21 – 00;32;52;07

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Of maybe indicate, yes.

 

00;32;52;14 – 00;32;52;24

Dr. Mona

I was going.

 

00;32;52;24 – 00;32;54;07

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

To like a specific situation.

 

00;32;54;07 – 00;33;00;06

Dr. Mona

I was either going to give you an example, but you give me the example. Okay. Like that. How? Like a common one. I’m sure you have tons.

 

00;33;00;06 – 00;33;20;06

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Yeah, yeah. Okay. And is I this feels kind of related to the one you share too. I think these are very relatable for a lot of parents, but I feel like for a lot of, a lot of my life as a parent, I’m always like chasing presents and like trying to I make really desperately trying to complete the to do list, right?

 

00;33;20;06 – 00;33;41;15

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like get all the emails checked and sent, like get all the to do list tasks around the house done in the effort of seeking presents. Like ultimately, I do believe that what I want most is presents that the kids. But what happens is like a lot of these things are never ending cycles of like to do’s, and so it just constantly feels like I’m just not successful at it.

 

00;33;41;15 – 00;34;02;20

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Because the truth of the matter is, there’s some just like, expected mess, which I’ve learned from, expert clutter. Katie Wells, she has her own book around this. Like, I love the language of, like, expected mess, expected mess of my inbox, expected mess with my house, but constantly striving to just get it done or finish one more task and then I can be present with you like my children.

 

00;34;02;22 – 00;34;22;27

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

So anyway, it was one of those days. I’m on my phone and I’m like, I really wanted to not be checking my phone emails like when my kids are around, but, you know, human life here, the desire, the pull to just, like, check it and then not to just check it, but to respond to it before I forget and just like, get that thing done.

 

00;34;22;29 – 00;34;38;29

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

So I’m doing that. My son is calling for mom. And like, I’m like, just like, yeah, hold on, just hold on. If I’m not going to. As soon as just mom, he comes barreling in to the room, and he’s holding a chocolate popsicle and it’s like, unwrapped. And he’s like, can I have this already unwrapped?

 

00;34;39;01 – 00;34;57;18

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And I’m like, I’m. I’m just like, dude, no, like, why did you open that? And I’m just, like, flustered with him as I’m trying to, like, wrap up this email and he’s just like, oh. And he’s like walks into the kitchen. And then I’m like, I send it. I like kind of walking after him. My foot, I like I remember it very viscerally.

 

00;34;57;22 – 00;35;17;02

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

My foot like, slides on some sand from like his shoe that I think he threw off. I have like sand in it. And I come barreling into the kitchen and I’m like, dude, if you can’t handle not having like a freaking chocolate popsicle before dinner, like, like it gets harder than this, dude. Like, it gets harder than this.

 

00;35;17;05 – 00;35;35;02

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And he looks at me and he his eyes get, you know, his eyes get big, you know? And he’s like, you know what you’ll be saying soon? And I’m like, he’s like, you’ll be saying the s-word to me. And my eyes get big because I’m like, you know, the s-word? And he goes, you’ll be saying, sorry.

 

00;35;35;04 – 00;35;36;28

Dr. Mona

You’re like, how do you know me so well?

 

00;35;37;00 – 00;35;57;27

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

I know, I know. So then he stomps off to his room. Oh, okay, so a few things here, and then there’s more to this story. I outside the moment I know that I have this part of me that is like a little drill sergeant that’s just like, get these things done and then you can be present. You can’t you can’t relax until you get these things done.

 

00;35;57;27 – 00;36;19;21

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Right. Like for so many reasons that that that part of me is this, and it’s like, I knew, I knew, I know that outside the moment. But hey, in the moment, like, I still like the urge that that part of me jumped in the driver’s seat. Right? Like I still was reactive in that moment. Me saying it gets harder than this is when I really think about it.

 

00;36;19;21 – 00;36;29;06

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

You know, which I did, I did after that. I took a moment to like, I like went into my, my own, like little self-imposed time out in my own, in my room. And just like I was like, oh.

 

00;36;29;08 – 00;36;31;13

Dr. Mona

You know, I, I, I think, I think, I think.

 

00;36;31;13 – 00;36;49;08

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

I literally said the word like. Yeah, like as you like, stomped away. My youngest is sitting right there and I’m like, oh, God. Like, I literally just thought that he was going to say the s-word shit. And now here I am, like saying it out loud. Yeah. Anyway, I’m in like, it’s like a little, like self-imposed time out in my room because that’s what I actually remember doing is like in big moments with feelings.

 

00;36;49;08 – 00;37;06;21

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

I would just kind of like, sit alone in my room with them. Right? So, like, I do that again here. And this isn’t like a really like, like reflective margin moment at the, at the right. Then it was just me trying to like, escape for a bit and, and but I need that space. I reflect on it and I’m like, you know what?

 

00;37;06;21 – 00;37;28;23

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like, I know that this part of me exists. I jumped in the driver’s seat like, I’m not perfect. Me coming in and saying to him, like, it gets harder than this is actually the part of me that wants to protect him. That’s like, hey, if you like, lose your cool. If you have all these needs and you don’t like ascribe to what society wants from you, life is going to be too hard for you.

 

00;37;28;23 – 00;37;46;29

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

So you need to it’s going to get harder than this to like, shut this shit down. Basically. Yeah. And that’s actually not what I want him to absorb, right. And learn. So then I am sitting there and I’m like feeling like a little bit of the shame spiral, but I’m kind of like thinking through it a bit. And then I’m like, you know, great parenting, Cassidy.

 

00;37;46;29 – 00;38;09;03

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And then I’m like, wait a second. He also said, you’ll be saying sorry soon. In that moment, in that hard moment where I was dysregulated, there was a part of him that could access and know she’s going to repair with me this which might mean this isn’t actually about me. Yeah, I don’t have to absorb all this.

 

00;38;09;03 – 00;38;20;16

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like, this is this is this is this is her thing. And she’s going to come back and, like, be the safe parent that I know she can be later, you know? Oh. Like.

 

00;38;20;19 – 00;38;22;03

Dr. Mona

It’s so beautiful.

 

00;38;22;06 – 00;38;24;12

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Yeah. It just like.

 

00;38;24;12 – 00;38;26;22

Dr. Mona

Oh my gosh.

 

00;38;26;24 – 00;38;54;19

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And that that’s from other moments after a bad moment where his little nervous system has learned over time to trust that that’s coming and not just from me. But you know what? Also, his little body is wiring to trust that from others in future partner relation and you know, future, you know, girlfriends or boyfriends or whatever. Whoever he’s dating like that, he will know like I, I can come back and repair with you.

 

00;38;54;19 – 00;39;16;01

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And I can also expect that from other people. And when I don’t receive that, that’s going to feel weird and off. And I might have to question like, why? Why? Yeah. So just his little nervous system has wired that, you know, so then I get up, I go into his room like he’s clearly thrown some things around, and I’m like, you’re right, buddy, I am sorry.

 

00;39;16;03 – 00;39;33;14

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like. And, you know, he, like, huffs and puffs and I’m like, being a kid is hard. And he’s like, it’s literally the worse. And I’m like, I know, I remember like how these grown ups telling you what you can eat, when you can eat it, all these boundaries and like, you know, like, I’m still going to I’m still going to have boundaries.

 

00;39;33;14 – 00;39;47;20

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And I can also like curl up with you right here. And it took him a while. But you know, that moment when your kids just like, like they’re kind of crying, they’re upset and they just like, shudder a little. And I kind of drop into you that drop into their body. The body.

 

00;39;47;20 – 00;39;49;19

Dr. Mona

Relaxes. Yeah, yeah.

 

00;39;49;21 – 00;40;12;17

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

It’s funny that moment happened, you know, like, not at first stuff, you know, but, it did and, and and it was just like. And little me was also in that moment like, this is what this is what we needed, you know, and, and in got to experience it with me, you know, this people talk about like parenting and use these different words for it.

 

00;40;12;17 – 00;40;29;04

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And it was just it’s just like, yeah, this part of me is still there, right? Like, yeah. Remembers what it’s like to be a kid and like to be. It’s when hunger hits and you want something that tastes yummy and like everyone else, has an opinion about it, right? Or or remembers being told to like, finish your food or drink this glass of milk.

 

00;40;29;04 – 00;40;47;23

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Even though I didn’t like the way it tasted, or hug this person, even though I didn’t feel like hugging this person and felt and felt at some point, well, I just must not know what my body was like. I need to like, shut that part of me down that like that doesn’t want to touch this person. It doesn’t want to consume this thing.

 

00;40;47;25 – 00;41;07;28

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And what I want for my kids, and I think that you and all the listeners probably want for their kids, too, is that as they grow older and if things start to get real, real, real, you know that that when they are in situations where something in their body says, this doesn’t feel right, I don’t like this.

 

00;41;08;01 – 00;41;28;07

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

I don’t want this, that, there, that, that part of them hasn’t been so squashed, right, that there’s that this part of me can come up and say, no, no, thank you or I’m not into that, I’m going to leave. I’m going to hold this boundary for myself. Right. And part of that is invalidation of our kids and their feelings and their bodies and body sovereignty.

 

00;41;28;12 – 00;42;00;08

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And another part is also in holding boundaries, right? Like in being as, as they are growing up and developing, showing them right, like where their body starts and stops and where ours does. Right, like to keep them safe. Right? Like that. That is our job. And they can trust that so that as they build their own, that security and that somebody is holding, holding the line here that like they can also, be curious and explore because they have that, that sort of security of trust, of knowing even if they don’t always like it, that like they’re paying attention.

 

00;42;00;11 – 00;42;06;18

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

My parent is paying attention and they are going to keep me safe even when I don’t like it.

 

00;42;06;20 – 00;42;29;14

Dr. Mona

Oh, that’s like music to my ears. Because of my book, I’m all about the praise. You know, I think and you know, love is boundaries. Like, we teach our kids values and love. And it doesn’t have to be harsh. And I love, you know, the story you told me. Thank you so much because it really resonated. And it kind of was the example that I gave of, like, you were doing something in the middle of something, and I, I also have realized because my, my son is the exact same way.

 

00;42;29;14 – 00;42;49;00

Dr. Mona

Right. And your kids will humble you when they’re exactly like you. He does not like being interrupted. My daughter is much more flexible, right? Like if you interrupt her while she’s playing, she’ll be like, okay, mommy. And I’m like, whoa, but my son. Oh, I wonder where he got that from his mother, right? Like, if I’m in the zone, my and this is I actually realize that I have ADHD.

 

00;42;49;00 – 00;43;06;23

Dr. Mona

My hyperactive ADHD mode is on. Interruptions make me lose my mind. Like I’m just like, whoa, stop interrupting me. So part of this journey of, like, you know what you’re talking about? Understanding. Okay? When my brain needs a moment, it means I need a moment before shifting. And sometimes, as a mom, I’m not going to have that moment.

 

00;43;06;23 – 00;43;23;27

Dr. Mona

So I learn this from Jefferson Fisher. I don’t know if you know who that is. He’s a really he’s a lawyer turned conversation. And yeah, I’m a lawyer. So one of the things he talks about and I want to give him credit for this, is that your first word is your breath. Like the first word that comes out of your mouth is a sigh or a breath to regulate yourself.

 

00;43;23;27 – 00;43;43;17

Dr. Mona

And I’ve been practicing that more and oh my gosh, like we’ve been doing it like that’s obviously what we talk about. But I’m like, you know, rather than going into Ryan, I do Ryan. Right, like I told you. And it really has helped me. Oh my gosh. And I, I share that little tip because I’m like, oh my God, that’s so, so small.

 

00;43;43;17 – 00;43;48;04

Dr. Mona

But he teaches his clients on the stand how to take that breath before reacting. So nervous.

 

00;43;48;09 – 00;43;53;02

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Pause, pause, pause. And I love a little I love a good pause.

 

00;43;53;02 – 00;44;08;29

Dr. Mona

I love a good pause. And you know what I heard too was like, you are bringing in to that moment things that you have told yourself throughout your childhood, right? Like you got to be perfect. You got to listen. The world is not going to be kind for me. I remember telling Ryan when he’s crying at six years old, which he’s okay, it’s okay to cry.

 

00;44;09;03 – 00;44;30;11

Dr. Mona

My my rational brain knows that it’s okay for a six year old to cry, right? But when the emotions are high, when I’m stressed, what did I say to him? Ryan, you’re six years old. Stop crying. And my, my, my husband has said the same thing. And where did that come from? That came from both of our parents who told us growing up, it’s not okay to cry that.

 

00;44;30;11 – 00;44;31;12

Dr. Mona

Why are you crying?

 

00;44;31;12 – 00;44;33;29

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like, because it wasn’t okay for them to cry for.

 

00;44;34;00 – 00;45;04;06

Dr. Mona

Exactly. And so then it took that awareness, like you’re saying, of, okay, I need to understand that where this is coming from. So my, my almost last question is, you know, you shared the idea that this didn’t start with me, that our reactions are shaped by what we learned about safety, love and worth growing up. And you alluded to it so beautifully at, you know, in the beginning of this conversation, how can a parent start to recognize that without turning it into blame towards themselves or their parents, and to so that he can actually make change?

 

00;45;04;08 – 00;45;10;26

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;45;10;29 – 00;45;46;20

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

For. Yeah, absolutely. You know, and I think that it’s, it’s so I really love the, the, the sort of process that can happen in eMDR that I walk the reader through with different, in different ways in the book, of reconnecting with little you and our younger versions of ourself. Right. And when we start to do that and we and sometimes it’s tricky because people won’t be like, I don’t remember a lot of things from my childhood.

 

00;45;46;22 – 00;46;09;05

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And it’s like, okay, but you know what your body does remember? And so if in a moment with your kid, there’s particular things that do trigger you, right? Like maybe it’s their big feelings, especially when you’re around other people and it’s like being observed, right? Like maybe it’s their defiance. Maybe it’s their yelling. Maybe it’s their like a million questions.

 

00;46;09;05 – 00;46;31;12

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Maybe it’s, you know, them getting curious about their bodies. Right. Like and, you know, touching themselves in the bath or, you know, like these sort of things and you’re like, oh, gosh. Like, this is like, this is bringing up something for me. I think a lot of times we just we just like get the flood of like I was like cortisol, like stress around it.

 

00;46;31;14 – 00;46;57;00

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

But it’s kind of taking again, a moment, a pause, a space. And maybe that’s on your own. Maybe that’s in therapy, right. Like to sit with it and be like, what is like the story around that for me, because our brains are story making machines. And, you know, maybe there is there’s family stories, stories about you. Maybe there’s other people you can talk to to kind of understand more of the stories.

 

00;46;57;03 – 00;47;18;10

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Maybe you can just like, find a little a picture of little you and just look at this little you and be like, what? What did you experience around this? You know, and and get curious about that? And I think that a lot of times we are always looking outside of ourselves for the answers. And I love that we have so many resources now.

 

00;47;18;12 – 00;47;54;17

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

But I also don’t think that that part of us that’s looking for the outside answers is necessarily the most evolved version of ourselves. You know, it’s I think it’s maybe also a younger version of us that was that learned everyone else has. The answer is not you. You know, everyone else seems to get it, not you. And I actually think that this little part of you actually has so much information to share, about not only what you might need and moments, but also what your kid needs and how cool to have a little expert around what goes on for a kid, a kid’s inner life, and what a kid might really need in

 

00;47;54;17 – 00;48;19;22

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

a moment, then this part that’s already inside of you. So it doesn’t mean don’t learn from others, right? And the experts. But I think it also means sometimes to take a pause and take a beat to see how what you’re learning integrates into the narrative that has already kind of been there for you and also, trusting that, like you probably have, no more than you give yourself credit for.

 

00;48;19;25 – 00;48;40;17

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I, I believe that too. And I think we’ve you’ve talked about this the amount of information coming at us at any given time, whether it’s through peers in your life, whether it’s social media, all of that is not allowing our brain that time to have that moment to actually tap into our intuition. Right. Like, I, I, I know people don’t like talking about intuition.

 

00;48;40;17 – 00;48;58;19

Dr. Mona

They feel bad, you know, they don’t have it. However, because we’ve seen generations raise children. We all did this before having the internet, right? We all did it. Yeah. Yes. There were mistakes that were made, maybe with certain discipline styles, things like that. But at the end of the day, if you have no information out there, you’re going to look at your kid and you’re going to figure it out.

 

00;48;58;19 – 00;49;15;04

Dr. Mona

And I’ve had to do it too, right? Like there are moments that are not in any book or any patient has ever told me that this is going on. And I’ve had to figure it out and be like, okay, well, my daughter is taking off her diaper and peeing her bed and then putting back on her pull up like at night time.

 

00;49;15;11 – 00;49;27;03

Dr. Mona

So I’ve never read this in a book, so now I’m going to figure out how to handle it. You know what I’m saying? Like, there’s going to be situations that there’s not anything. It’s it’s about going back again. Is this triggering? What are my values systems. What do I know about this moment.

 

00;49;27;03 – 00;49;55;08

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And and it’s hard. What a cool moment to be alive and to be parenting. Very like where there is, there is so much more access to information and ways to platform this information. And also therapy less stigma, right? Like places for us to integrate what we’re learning and understand our triggers. And also we have to name that we are living in an era of intensive parenting where there’s sensory overload.

 

00;49;55;08 – 00;50;21;13

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

There’s so much information overload. There’s also a lot of pressure, right, to do all the things and to optimize everything and to be constantly present and playing with our kids. That’s it’s robbing us of all our moments and margins. And so I’m, I’m introducing this concept of we have there’s a lot going for us. And also in this digital age of intensive parenting era, we also need to reclaim some things too.

 

00;50;21;18 – 00;50;34;29

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Oh that was that was a good final final was final margin. That was good. But final uplifting message. What would be your final uplifting message or a question you would leave the audience with? You know, as they reflect on this amazing conversation we had today?

 

00;50;35;03 – 00;50;43;16

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Yeah, I think it would be just that, right? That like, this is like you like you are not crazy for you. There’s nothing wrong with you. This is.

 

00;50;43;18 – 00;50;44;08

Dr. Mona

Yeah, it feels.

 

00;50;44;08 – 00;51;19;17

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like a lot right now because it is a lot like, you know, in, in our world, in our society, in our, the cultural like messages that we’re constantly receiving, like, of course you feel burned out, you know, like, oh my gosh, you’re human. Right. And and I think that there is it’s it’s profound, but also so simple that, like, what we oftentimes do need is space to just integrate all the things that we’re, that we are taking in and that, like you call it intuition, call it just like, hey, you were a kid once.

 

00;51;19;17 – 00;51;20;19

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

You do like, yeah.

 

00;51;20;20 – 00;51;20;26

Dr. Mona

Let’s.

 

00;51;21;03 – 00;51;47;15

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Let’s, let’s, let’s like reconnect with that because, like, there’s a part of you that knows what that feels like and like that’s going to be the most authentic version of you to come out in moments with your kids when you want to talk to them about hard things or about some of your own stories as they get older, too, and connect with them as a toddler, as a school age kid, as a teenager, as a young adult, you know, and, ultimately, also always remember, you always have repair in your back pocket.

 

00;51;47;16 – 00;52;07;26

Dr. Mona

I love the long game parenting. You know, I, I feel like we forget to think that you don’t lose your kids at 18. You know, you are raising these kids. And my goal as a mom, and I think your goal is that I always want to cultivate this experience for my child, that even when they are in their 20s and 30s, they will know that they can always come home to me, come to my husband in whatever capacity they need, right?

 

00;52;07;26 – 00;52;24;24

Dr. Mona

They may not need me in the same way they needed me when they were 1 or 2, but they know that I am their home base, that we are going to always be there when shit is hitting the fan and it’s going to hit the fan, and that is what it should be about. And I the last, last question I have and it can be related to this or anything.

 

00;52;24;24 – 00;52;27;27

Dr. Mona

What is making you happy in your life right now?

 

00;52;28;00 – 00;52;48;14

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Oh, that’s I love that question. You know what I think is, is it is this book. And what I mean by that is I think that we all we all have anxiety. Right? My anxious anxiety is can be so, so loud sometimes. And what I think so anxiety is wired to keep us in those we love safe, right?

 

00;52;48;15 – 00;53;11;21

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

To keep us alive. But guess what? We are mortal and fragile and like we will all be faced with death and so this our our anxiety part has this job that it will ultimately in quotes, fail because we will die and those that we love will die and like to have to face that things. Of course, anxiety is freaking frazzled out, right?

 

00;53;11;21 – 00;53;49;17

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like constantly spinning out what I think this book really means for me, and what I walk the reader through at the end of the book is, and what I think that we’re talking about ultimately here in this conversation is as we’re breaking cycles, we are building legacy. We are rewiring something new in our DNA for our children and for their for our children’s children and children’s children, children and I just finished wrapping up the audiobook and to get a chance to like it was grueling, don’t get me wrong, but it was so meaningful to record it that my voice gets to be there for my kids.

 

00;53;49;17 – 00;53;52;05

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like, if, you know, when I do die, it’s there.

 

00;53;52;09 – 00;54;12;18

Dr. Mona

Like the legacy of a book is. And my husband said the same thing. He’s like, do you understand that when you die? And it starts off morbid, right? When you know this book is going to exist after you die? Yeah. And I’m like, do I hear what you’re saying? It started off scary, but now I’m like, yeah, like, yeah, I’m so happy that you get to do this for the world, too, because your voice matters and I love connecting with you every.

 

00;54;12;19 – 00;54;27;23

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Like somebody, somebody might be on ancestry one day, like, like a hundred years from now. Like no one remembers us like. And that that’s such a crazy thing to think about too, you know, like. Yeah. And and and like, they might be on ancestry and they might be like, oh, I’m related to this person like you and like.

 

00;54;27;28 – 00;54;49;27

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

And then they’re like, they look us up and they’re like, we. I feel like literally listen to them like, talk about like their parenting journeys and like what they learned during that era of life. Right? Like how cool. So that’s bringing me a lot of joy. And also I’ve, I have recently bonded with my neighborhood crows. And when I go for a walk, they like, circle me and follow me and it feels like they’re, like, watching over me.

 

00;54;49;27 – 00;54;52;02

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

So that’s awesome. Brings me joy.

 

00;54;52;05 – 00;55;12;22

Dr. Mona

Oh, Cassidy, I love that question and answer. Thank you, thank you, thank you I love it. So heartwarming. And just this whole conversation like was empowering and obviously meeting people where we where we are, which is so what we need in this world. So now where can people go to stay connected? Obviously, I know you see patients in California, but you have social media and where can they get the book, which I will be linking on the show that everybody.

 

00;55;12;29 – 00;55;31;19

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Yeah of course. Last thing I will say though about the crows and legacy. Did you know, fun fact that crows will remember your face and they will tell their children like their baby crows, about who the safe people were or who the not so nice people were? And so my legacy is also within the Crow community, which I am so happy for.

 

00;55;31;21 – 00;55;33;22

Dr. Mona

Anyways, yeah, that’s so beautiful there.

 

00;55;33;23 – 00;55;41;15

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Very, very bright. And they have sent messages about people in there to wow, okay.

 

00;55;41;18 – 00;55;42;16

Dr. Mona

Okay. Fun fact I love that.

 

00;55;42;18 – 00;56;05;01

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Yeah. Fun facts. On Instagram at Doctor Cassidy, if you are listening to this episode and you’re based in California, I would love to work with you. Doctor Cassidy Ft.com. We also have therapists, my group that are licensed in New York and Nevada, who take similar approaches as I do, and the book at Doctor Cassidy Ft.com backslash book.

 

00;56;05;01 – 00;56;20;27

Dr. Mona

Well, let me tell everybody here. I have an amazing therapist in Florida. She’s my lifeline. I love her, I owe a lot of my life and happiness to her. But if I ever moved to California, which is on the radar in the next couple of years, I will be finding your practice. Because I’ve always tried it. Can’t maybe.

 

00;56;20;27 – 00;56;25;04

Dr. Mona

No, can’t be you. Because you’re my friend now. No. Yeah. Let’s see. What else? Someone else.

 

00;56;25;06 – 00;56;29;14

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Oh, I have a team of therapists that are just.

 

00;56;29;16 – 00;56;30;01

Dr. Mona

Amazing.

 

00;56;30;01 – 00;56;42;21

Dr. Cassidy Freitas

Credible. They’re all moms. They’ve been doing this work for a long time. They’ve written their own books. Like their all their license. Like, these are. These are like veterans in this work. And they are incredible. So we’ll we’ll we’ll get you we’ll get you connected.

 

00;56;42;23 – 00;57;07;09

Dr. Mona

Thank you again. Thank you for taking a moment to listen to this. You see what I did there? Mom needs a moment, caregiver needs a moment, and you took a moment. You know, we often forget one thing. Just like our kids get dysregulated and their behavior changes when they don’t have what they need. We get dysregulated, too, especially when we don’t have those margins of space and that dysregulation looks different for everyone.

 

00;57;07;09 – 00;57;27;24

Dr. Mona

Snapping, yelling, retreating. Whatever coping skill we learned or never learned growing up. I love how Doctor Cassidy discusses it. Margins of space. I for sure have very little margin, so everything just stacks up and I lose it. It is my job to create those margins where I can, because I constantly feel I’m going to one thing to one thing to one thing.

 

00;57;27;24 – 00;57;48;10

Dr. Mona

It actually happened just yesterday and I started losing it on my husband and my kids, and that’s not fair to them. It’s not my kid. It’s everything that came before it that leads to that moment where we snap. Changing that takes wanting to change insight, noticing what actually needs to change, and then doing the work and talking to the people we love the most on how we can do that.

 

00;57;48;12 – 00;58;06;29

Dr. Mona

And here’s the part I really hope you leave with this work does not have to happen before you raise your kid well. It can happen alongside it. It is not a prerequisite if there is one thing I hope you take from Doctor Cassidy today is that you are allowed to protect small margins of space for yourself, and doing that isn’t selfish.

 

00;58;07;05 – 00;58;34;22

Dr. Mona

It’s actually what lets you show up calmer for the people you love. And please, please, please, if you feel you need this work, start by getting her book link in the show notes. Thank you for listening. Thank you for doing this hard work. It’s needed to raise our children and tell me what stuck with you most. Come find me on social media at PedsDoctalk and tag us at these PedsDoctalk the PedsDoctalk podcast and Doctor Cassidy again, that’s Dr. Cassidy.

 

00;58;34;29 – 00;58;40;01

Dr. Mona

If this episode hit home. And I’ll see you all next time with another amazing guest.