Intimacy after childbirth is…COMPLICATED. There are so many societal pressures for postpartum sex but what is more important is to have open communication about desires and readiness. We need to redefine sexual experiences beyond intercourse to include emotional connection and playful touch. This week, I welcome Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, a couples therapist, to discuss how healthy relationships positively impact parenting and what’s needed to reconnect with your partner post-baby.

 

She joins me to discuss:

• Misconceptions about postpartum intimacy, such as societal pressures and readiness for sex
• Why a strong partnership positively influences parenting
• How to redefine intimacy to focus on small, meaningful moments

 

To connect with Dr. Tracy Dalgleish follow her on Instagram @drtracyd, check out all her resources at https://www.drtracyd.com/. Check out the two books Dr. Tracy mentioned: Come as You Are and Better Sex Through Mindfulness

 

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and subscribe to PedsDocTalk TV.

 

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships page of the website.

00;00;00;07 – 00;00;23;02
Dr. Tracy D
And I would be at the park with other parents, and parents would be talking about sleeping and food and introducing solids and nursing and, you know, what are you doing for hobbies and all of these conversations? And nobody was talking about how they resent their partner or how they were missing the intimacy or how they haven’t had sex, or they have different desire levels.

00;00;23;05 – 00;00;40;12
Dr. Tracy D
And so here I am as a therapist, as a psychologist, I know that this is what parents are experiencing. But it’s one thing to be in my psychologist chair, and then it’s a whole other experience to be at the park with my kids and wondering, why is it that I’m the one that always has to buy deodorant and toothpaste?

00;00;40;14 – 00;00;57;23
Dr. Mona
Welcome back to the show. I’m your host, Doctor Mona, and I hope you’re having a great week. If you’re listening to this episode on its debut day, it is election season here in the United States, and I went in-person voting for the first time and took my almost five year old son, Ryan, with me. And it was an incredible experience.

00;00;57;26 – 00;01;18;17
Dr. Mona
I loved how excited the poll workers were to show him everything but what I loved the most was the palpable energy in the lines. You didn’t even have to know who was voting for who, but people were just excited. And it got me thinking that maybe, maybe even with our differences, our world can be a loving and accepting place.

00;01;18;17 – 00;01;40;16
Dr. Mona
Maybe. And I was just so excited Ryan got to witness that. And if you haven’t voted or the election has passed, make an effort to take your child once to vote or every time, because it’s such a privilege to live in a country with democracy. Okay, now let’s get to today’s conversation. Remember, if you love this episode, share it on social media, comment on my social media post, and leave a review.

00;01;40;18 – 00;02;04;25
Dr. Mona
In this episode, I’m thrilled to welcome Doctor Tracy Dalglish, psychologist, therapist, and author of I Didn’t Sign Up for This A Guide to Breaking Patterns and Rediscovering Joy in Relationships. As you know, if you’re an avid follower, this is more than a parenting podcast. I love having conversations that go beyond just parenting tips, because being a parent is also about navigating big changes in our relationships with our partner if we’re in one.

00;02;04;27 – 00;02;25;21
Dr. Mona
Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s deeply relevant, but often quietly endured to messy struggles after having a baby. When I asked this community what you struggled with the most with your partner after having a child, this was actually the number one request from my followers. So we’re tackling why this happens, the challenges couples face, and how to move through that roommate phase that so many experienced post-baby.

00;02;25;23 – 00;02;43;20
Dr. Mona
Doctor Tracy shares powerful insights on normalizing these struggles, practical steps to regain closeness, and common misconceptions about intimacy after kids. This is a conversation for anyone wanting to reconnect and strengthen their relationship, even when life gets complicated. So let’s get to it. Thank you so much for joining me today, Doctor Tracy.

00;02;43;21 – 00;02;58;29
Dr. Tracy D
Thank you. Doctor Mona, I’m so glad to be here and to be part of your community. I just believe the work you’re doing is so important, and the resources that you have available for parents is so meaningful. It was not there when I first had my kids, so that’s amazing.

00;02;58;29 – 00;03;17;03
Dr. Mona
Thank you. Likewise, you know, one of the biggest things about my platform and the podcast is not just talking about parenting issues, right? Of course, I can talk about potty training and tantrums and all of that, but we both know that it’s not just those moments with children. It’s things that are going on in other parts of your life, right?

00;03;17;03 – 00;03;38;19
Dr. Mona
If work is not going well, if the relationship with your partner is not going well, all of those things can impact how you parent and show up for your child. So I love that I get to have these conversations because I really do believe that being better people, being more mindful of how we can always improve, really has an impact not only for our family, our children, and our our partner, but for ourselves.

00;03;38;19 – 00;04;03;02
Dr. Mona
So I you know, I feel like the feeling is mutual and thank you for the work that you do. I feel like anytime I watch one of your reels and I’m one of the ones that really stood out to me was you talk about even if you all are doing different things right, so maybe I’m working on TikTok stuff, or my husband is watching basketball, just sitting near each other and just physically touching bodies without really doing the same activity.

00;04;03;02 – 00;04;22;00
Dr. Mona
A small thing that we started doing, thanks to you from your social media, because sometimes I’ll just sit across the living room and we just start to have that physical connection, even if it wasn’t verbal right. And we implement that. And, you know, just one example of all the amazing resources that you provide that have helped us be better partners.

00;04;22;00 – 00;04;23;00
Dr. Mona
So thank you for that.

00;04;23;03 – 00;04;45;11
Dr. Tracy D
I’m so glad to hear that. I love hearing what I put out there actually from the trenches. And I think something so important for us to recognize, even as we grow into this conversation is that when we are feeling secure, connected in our partnerships, everything else trickles out from that. And oftentimes people will say, well, I’m working on parenting or I’m working on myself.

00;04;45;11 – 00;04;57;14
Dr. Tracy D
And it’s like, yes, those things are so important. And when the marriage, your relationship is feeling good, everything else, you have more resilience to tackle all of the other stressors in life.

00;04;57;17 – 00;05;09;17
Dr. Mona
Oh, I completely agree with that. And you know, before we get into the conversation, if people are not familiar with who you are, tell us more about yourself. The platform that you’ve created, and also maybe why you wrote the book and the inspiration behind your book.

00;05;09;18 – 00;05;34;03
Dr. Tracy D
Yes, I’ll start with the why of the book. I remember myself in the depths of the Canadian winter here on my second mat leave with my second child. So, I felt dissatisfied with what was being shared in the media at large, around relationships, around intimacy and sex, particularly in the postpartum period. So here I was in the Canadian winter thinking, I’m not happy with this.

00;05;34;03 – 00;06;02;15
Dr. Tracy D
And then at the same time, feeling the depths of the resentment in my own marriage, and I would be at the park with other parents and parents would be talking about sleeping and food and introducing solids and nursing and, you know, what are you doing for hobbies and all of these conversations? And nobody was talking about how they resent their partner or how they were missing the intimacy, or how they haven’t had sex, or they have different desire levels.

00;06;02;17 – 00;06;20;07
Dr. Tracy D
And so here I am as a therapist, as a psychologist, I know that this is what parents are experiencing, but it’s one thing to be in my psychologist chair, and then it’s a whole other experience to be at the park with my kids and wondering, why is it that I’m the one that always has to buy deodorant and toothpaste, right?

00;06;20;08 – 00;06;41;29
Dr. Tracy D
Tackling the mental load was all on me, and feeling this resentment and this disconnection in our partnership. So in 2018, I started my Instagram space just with the goal of I want to reach more people outside of my therapy room. I know that therapy is hard to access for many, and I also wanted to start educating people. And so start the Instagram space.

00;06;41;29 – 00;07;09;13
Dr. Tracy D
Started my own podcast, and then I’ve got my membership space where people all over the world are learning how to improve their relationship, which then, of course, has all trickled into my book. And the book is such a special piece, Moana, because I put myself in there, I tell my story of having a child growing to resent my husband and how I, just like all of my clients, found myself saying I was crying in the shower one day.

00;07;09;15 – 00;07;24;26
Dr. Tracy D
Baby girl was having nap. My husband was with the toddler before he was going to head out to work for the day, and I found myself saying I didn’t sign up for this, and I just felt so resentful for everything in our partnership. So that was where the book had really started.

00;07;24;28 – 00;07;39;21
Dr. Mona
Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors. Well, I love the title and exactly. I feel like a lot of us share that sentiment. And, you know, I mentioned to my followers on Instagram that I was going to have you on, you know, I said, you know, Doctor Tracy is coming on many of them knew who you were.

00;07;39;21 – 00;08;00;29
Dr. Mona
And even if they did and I said, you know, she’s a relationship therapist, we’re going to talk about a lot of things. And I asked for topic suggestions, and this topic was the number one request. Struggling with intimacy after having children. And to be honest, I feel privately people deal with it intimacy issues after having a baby. But yet nobody really talks about it.

00;08;00;29 – 00;08;12;21
Dr. Mona
Like you said, you know you’re at the park and people are talking about all the things about parenting, but this is really important. And do you think that being more open about it is helpful and how?

00;08;12;23 – 00;08;34;03
Dr. Tracy D
Yeah, absolutely. You know, whenever we feel like we can’t talk about something or there’s some shame lurking in there that is the best thing that we can start to do. Because the more we hide something within ourselves, the more shameful we feel, the more we shouldn’t talk about something. And let’s call it out. What it is. Sex and intimacy is a human experience.

00;08;34;10 – 00;08;57;23
Dr. Tracy D
We all need it. We all need to be connected, and we all at times struggle in some ways. And it’s so important for us to then build in this, not only this sense of compassion, for we’re struggling with this, or I’m struggling with this, but also that common humanity that is so important, which is that you are not the only person to struggle with this.

00;08;57;25 – 00;09;19;09
Dr. Tracy D
Others struggle in the same way. And, you know, we watch these reels that come in on social and we laugh at them. There was one recently that I had seen and I was like, it’s like they have a camera in my house, but it’s like, why do they speak to us so much? Because it’s the human experience and then we feel connected to others.

00;09;19;09 – 00;09;47;09
Dr. Tracy D
And then when we open those conversations, we can also then bring it back into our partnerships and have those conversations there. And one of the biggest struggles when it comes to sex and intimacy is that we don’t know how to talk about it with our partners. We know we want stuff. We know something’s not feeling good, but then we don’t know how to actually turn to our partners and say, hey, this isn’t feeling good, or hey, I know we’re not in that season where we’re having a lot of sex right now.

00;09;47;09 – 00;09;51;08
Dr. Tracy D
And I want you to know, I want that. We’ll get there.

00;09;51;11 – 00;10;08;12
Dr. Mona
Yeah. So true, I that conversation and how important it is and a lot of the reason why I think me and my husband took a long time to have those conversations was that we never got those conversations modeled to us, meaning sex was so taboo to be discussed from parents. I mean, I’m Indian American even if you’re not.

00;10;08;15 – 00;10;27;23
Dr. Mona
We never had education or talking about sexual health. You know what it means to have safe sex, what it means to feel good in sex. Like that wasn’t a conversation. And so then when you get married or have a relationship and you’re now having intimacy, you don’t advocate for what you like, what you need, and what your differences.

00;10;27;23 – 00;10;47;22
Dr. Mona
Your wants may be different than what your partner wants. And I remember it wasn’t until October of 2023. So this was, you know, a few months after my daughter was born, me and my husband, we took our kids to a, Smoky Mountains like a, you know, mountainous retreat. And we had such a great time. And me and him were sitting and we were chatting about our relationship.

00;10;47;24 – 00;11;09;06
Dr. Mona
And it was the first time, after being together for ten years, that we opened up about our intimacy issues. And one of them was that I don’t want to have sex if I’m not feeling emotionally heard or physically, like getting physical touch, like a hug or, you know, sitting close to me. If I didn’t have that, I didn’t have any desire to have actual sex.

00;11;09;08 – 00;11;31;24
Dr. Mona
And there was a point for us that we realized that we had not had sexual interaction for 20 months. And we looked back at why, and a lot of it was excuses of I was going through IVF and then I got pregnant. The stress, the demands of all of that, and then postpartum, all of that. So for us, it was many different reasons.

00;11;31;26 – 00;11;43;27
Dr. Mona
But from what you see, you know, why do you think that this happens for many? And what would you want to normalize for people experienced this especially, you know, going through that roommate phase after having kids.

00;11;43;27 – 00;12;11;16
Dr. Tracy D
Yeah, I want to really highlight your story there in the sense of how we are taught that sex is for heterosexual relationships, penis in vagina, and it’s the end goal of orgasms. And so when we narrowly define an experience, then we’re going to lose everything else that encompasses it. And so already what we miss then is playful touch non demand pleasure.

00;12;11;16 – 00;12;33;11
Dr. Tracy D
I mean, when was the last time your partner just rubbed their hands in your scalp or rubbed your hand back and forth? And one of the common mistakes I hear from couples is one partner will say, if I let. And I’ll use him intentionally in this one. If I let him hug me for a little bit too long, or if I give him a deeper kiss, he thinks it’s leading to sex.

00;12;33;13 – 00;12;52;03
Dr. Tracy D
And then so she. This is commonly which shows up in my office. Then she says, so I stopped because I don’t want to feel that pressure. And you know, I can think of many clients I worked with in this space where then I’ve invited their partners in, or if I’m doing couples therapy, then he can say, I, I get excited, yes, I do.

00;12;52;03 – 00;13;14;12
Dr. Tracy D
It doesn’t mean that we need to have sex. I would like to, but just being able to be with you and to be close is so important. You also highlighted this dilemma here is what’s more important is the emotional connection or the sexual connection, because some people need to have sex in order to feel emotionally close, while others need emotional closeness before having sex.

00;13;14;14 – 00;13;50;02
Dr. Tracy D
And it is this great debate around what is more important. And I think what we need to understand is that sex is a very vulnerable experience. It is. It’s incredibly opening and you’re giving yourself to someone. And I think what we need to recognize is that you need emotional safety and security in the relationship. So if I go to my partner and say, you know, gosh, I’ve had a really hard day and they say, I’m, you know, my husband says, oh, I’m sure it wasn’t that hard, or they want me and say, I’m right.

00;13;50;03 – 00;14;09;17
Dr. Tracy D
You had a hard day. Well, I was the one up with the kids last night and then this, this, this happened in my meetings. That is not a connection point. Or if I go and I say, hey, you know, what was something that happened to in your day? That’s a bit of a bid for connection. And he’s like, you know, nothing that’s a missed bid for connection.

00;14;09;20 – 00;14;33;26
Dr. Tracy D
He’s not responding to me or oh, you always want to talk about my day. I’m too tired. Nothing exciting happened. That’s a rejection. It’s a turning away. So then these moments in our relationship start to build and it bridge. It creates this disconnection, which then makes it harder then to enter into into sex, into being vulnerable. So I think even that as, like an entire conversation is so important.

00;14;33;28 – 00;14;55;24
Dr. Mona
Oh yeah. And again, you’re speaking about things that I think so many people experience and yet are not talked about, all this, you know, in terms of the inability to sort of reconnect and again, why, why is it happening so much after a child? I mean, obviously, I think we both know from personal experience, but what are some things that you see like the obviously the schedule, the hormones, all of it.

00;14;55;24 – 00;15;00;24
Dr. Mona
What is it that causes that sort of inability to kind of re re tap into each other?

00;15;00;29 – 00;15;22;28
Dr. Tracy D
Yeah. I mean, we can look at those key factors for the loss of desire, which is hormones, breastfeeding. We can look at traumatic birth experience, mental health challenges. We can look at sleep deprivation and think of sex as a higher order experience. And I almost want to caveat that in the sense of self stimulation to orgasm is a form of stress relief, right?

00;15;22;28 – 00;15;41;06
Dr. Tracy D
So that might be something that you enjoy doing on your own, but sex involves you having those basic needs met. And so if you are nursing on demand and you are around the clock and you’re not sleeping and you’re barely getting something to eat, sex is the last thing on your to do list so that we can look at the loss of desire pieces around that.

00;15;41;12 – 00;16;06;08
Dr. Tracy D
But I think even relationally, if we haven’t prepared our relationship for this dramatic shift, that happens, which is you’re no longer just giving energy whenever you feel like it to each other, you are caring for a dependent being. You probably don’t have time to come back to those hard conversations that you once did. So now more conversations and hurts and missed moments are swept under the rug.

00;16;06;10 – 00;16;17;21
Dr. Tracy D
And then we tie in to all of our implicit beliefs and messaging around sex and intimacy. And that alone is what then keeps partners apart.

00;16;17;23 – 00;16;36;28
Dr. Mona
Yeah. And I think, you know, whenever I see polls on Instagram, like whether, you know, your account or other accounts talking about how often are you intimate, like, you know, obvious these are anonymous polls. And I think the numbers are always surprising because I think people have an expectation that everyone’s having sex all the time, every day, like it’s but not always right.

00;16;36;28 – 00;17;02;16
Dr. Mona
And again, it could be different coupled a couple. There’s different situations here. And so again normalizing that there is a range. And also what me, my husband also talked about was normalizing that there’s a range of what we may want. Meaning another couple may need to have sexual intercourse or sexual activity multiple times a week. But for us, what is it that makes us happy versus there’s no standard, I think, you know, people tend to get into, well, what should it be?

00;17;02;16 – 00;17;28;11
Dr. Mona
No. This is your relationship. Like what feels right for both of you. And that was that conversation we had in October. I was like, he’s like, what? What feels right? I’m like, I need that emotional connection. We were struggling, you know, you talked about the many various factors. You know, breastfeeding, mental health, birth trauma. We experienced two of those three the mental health anxiety, depression, postpartum depression as well as PTSD from a traumatic birth and birth trauma with both of our children.

00;17;28;15 – 00;17;46;24
Dr. Mona
So of course our brain is in survival mode. Sexual activity is not the first thing I want to. I want to think about. I want to think about healing mentally. And also you think about all the wounds that a woman may have. I don’t want it. I don’t want anyone near those wounds because I was still physically healing right like that.

00;17;46;24 – 00;18;04;20
Dr. Mona
That acceptance of body, that again, being so vulnerable. I think so many women can relate to that change body experience that now my body’s changed. Does my partner see that as beautiful still? And do I want to show that in the in dim lighting or in full lighting? Because I’m still struggling with that too.

00;18;04;26 – 00;18;27;17
Dr. Tracy D
And this piece to where it’s 0 to 100. So, you know, we’re not just going to return back to where you were before and also to you might not want to return to the sex that you were having before having a baby. Maybe that wasn’t great sex. So there’s a few things in there. So one is being able to redefine what sex actually looks like for both of you, and to make it fun and pleasurable.

00;18;27;24 – 00;18;50;21
Dr. Tracy D
We have sex for all kinds of different reasons. We have it for just a pure release, so sex for just a release. We have it to for the erotic. We have it for playfulness, we have it for connection. And sometimes partners will just have sex just to purely have sex. And it’s just a real, a physiological release. Other times it is to be intimate, other times there is more playfulness.

00;18;50;21 – 00;19;15;10
Dr. Tracy D
So I think that’s such an important piece to consider. But then there was something else in there that you had said this, understanding our bodies and you might not want to be touched in certain parts. And then also, are you being playful with each other and rediscovering your bodies? What often happens in my office working with couples is I say, tell me what it looks like when you have sex.

00;19;15;13 – 00;19;31;25
Dr. Tracy D
And they go through a regimented well, we kiss for a minute and then we do a little bit of this, and then we do a bit of that, and then there’s intercourse and it’s done in ten minutes. Right. So it’s like, and do you enjoy that? Is it fun? Is it playful? Is it pleasurable. And many people will say, no.

00;19;32;02 – 00;20;03;23
Dr. Tracy D
And so if you’re having frequent sex, if you’re having sex three times a week and it’s not good, are you having great sex just because it’s frequent? No. Where many people will report having great sex infrequently. So if it’s once a month, once every two months, once every six months, depending on what’s going on in your life. But if it’s experienced as meaningful and connected and pleasurable, then that is such a different way of defining sex.

00;20;03;26 – 00;20;21;07
Dr. Mona
Yeah, I love the way you said that, because a definition could look different for everyone. Yeah, and the way you lay that out in terms of what is the intent and that intent can change, right? Like from day to day, it’s like, no, I need that release for now. Today, I just want that connection. And it’s part of what you said and bringing you back to what you said earlier already about.

00;20;21;12 – 00;20;44;01
Dr. Mona
For some it’s emotional connection. For some it’s physical. And that also can ebb and flow depending on the day, the week, and the person. So I really appreciate that. And so what would be some important steps to regain intimacy? I’m sure there’s so much to think about, but where can people start if they feel like, you know, I’m really wanting to get back to this point and figure out what our new normal is after having kids.

00;20;44;08 – 00;20;47;27
Dr. Mona
Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors.

00;20;48;00 – 00;21;08;20
Dr. Tracy D
Yeah, I even come back to something so basic as where are you connecting throughout the day? So we know that parents of young children spend less than 30 minutes a week having deep, meaningful conversation. And a lot of that is around the transactional stuff. Are you changing the bum? Who’s got the splash pants? Who’s making lunch to drop off all of those pieces?

00;21;08;20 – 00;21;29;11
Dr. Tracy D
And so being able to find ten minutes a day and we all have ten minutes. So I know a lot of people will say, I don’t have any time. You don’t have time for those big date nights that you used to have. But we all have ten minutes, and that is putting your devices away, sitting on the couch and asking each other questions like, what was the hardest part of your day to day?

00;21;29;11 – 00;21;52;23
Dr. Tracy D
Was there a moment where you wish that I was here? What are you grateful for about our relationship? And that is the building of emotional intimacy that is often lost when you are looking after someone who requires you to be there, right? So really, considering the some of those small things of connection, and then the other piece to that, I tell a lot of couples is to look at your rituals of connection.

00;21;52;26 – 00;22;19;19
Dr. Tracy D
We all have them. You built them, especially in those early days of your relationship. You might send a good morning text. You might snuggle in the morning for a few minutes. You might greet each other at the door or pour each other’s coffee. Those are ways of building physical connection, but also that sort of that crossing of that bridge point, or rather a tree bridge has the growing of your tree branches each day that says, hey, I’m so glad you’re in this with me.

00;22;19;26 – 00;22;53;28
Dr. Tracy D
We’re connected. So that, I think, is the time together emotional connection and physical connection. But then also too, I think people really need to start understanding what does desire look like for them. So something I talk a lot about my communities is looking at responsive desire and spontaneous desire, and so spontaneous desire often starts in our brain. And I’ve noticed that for many of the women I work with, that might be a 10 a.m. moment of, oh, I remember this one time that we or it’s this or thought that creates arousal in our bodies.

00;22;54;03 – 00;23;12;05
Dr. Tracy D
It’s 10 a.m., you know, maybe your baby’s about to wake up. Maybe you’re reading the romance novel, right? But your partner’s at work, you’re at home and you’re like, well, okay, can’t do anything about it. And then by 7 p.m., both kids are in bed. All of the dishes are there waiting for you. Are you feeling a sense of desire?

00;23;12;10 – 00;23;32;11
Dr. Tracy D
Likely not. So then what we need to also understand is some people have more responsive desire. And responsive desire actually starts in our bodies. You put two bodies and in goes he does a beautiful job talking about this in her book Come as You Are. And I think every woman should read that book. And it’s you put two bodies side by side, you quiet your mind.

00;23;32;11 – 00;24;00;21
Dr. Tracy D
You don’t think about the laundry. That still isn’t done or the dishes you didn’t do, but you just put two bodies side by side, and you breathe and connect and touch each other’s bodies. And then your body will. Then your body feels the arousal and your mind comes online after. So I think even having that conversation with your partner of saying, yeah, you know, I do want to get there, there’s all of these things on my to do list, though, that then stop me from actually putting my body beside yours.

00;24;00;24 – 00;24;03;23
Dr. Mona
Very good. What’s the book again? The name. I want to add that to our Shona.

00;24;03;25 – 00;24;15;12
Dr. Tracy D
Yeah, there’s two that I really like. Come as you are. And that’s Emilie to go ski and then better sex through mindfulness is really great for women as well. She’s very good. She’s Canadian. To brought to us her last name.

00;24;15;19 – 00;24;33;25
Dr. Mona
Wonderful. And in your relationship, would you say that this kind of happened at all after the first second, or was it worse after the second in your personal experience? And what would you say would that was that top thing that you did with your partner to kind of regain this sort of conversation and, you know, new normal for you all?

00;24;33;27 – 00;24;58;24
Dr. Tracy D
The first one, I felt a lot of the societal pressures of, oh, how many months has it been? And Owen and I can remember texting a dear friend saying, we haven’t had sex yet, and that’s five months. And she’s like, that’s okay, right? So even just giving yourself permission. So I remind people my as I get further my career, I always feel more confident saying this.

00;24;58;24 – 00;25;21;10
Dr. Tracy D
I say take the pressure to have sex off the table for the first year. That doesn’t mean you don’t touch each other. That doesn’t mean you don’t make intentions towards your intimacy and towards building connection. It just means you had this agreement that there is no pressure to have intercourse. So that was part of the first experience, was more of the societal pressure within myself.

00;25;21;10 – 00;25;43;07
Dr. Tracy D
The second one, I felt more empowered in my body. Now, in the second one, what was interesting is that I did experience more vaginal pain. And this is another misconception that women don’t talk about is that if you feel pain, it’s not okay. And it is 100% worth going to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist. They will do an internal exam.

00;25;43;07 – 00;26;02;14
Dr. Tracy D
They can look at what’s happening and then to help create a treatment plan. And so pelvic floor physio was part of my postpartum journey of the second time. And what’s interesting to thinking about the second time you’re it was just so much harder navigating the toddler and then the newborn. And so, you know, it did take us longer.

00;26;02;14 – 00;26;27;29
Dr. Tracy D
And the thing that really helped us was the protective we through all of the hard moments, we knew we were doing it together, that we both wanted to come back together. And I would actually offer those moments of reassurance, being able to say to my husband, we’re going to get there. I want to get there. It’s not right now, but we can do all of these other things to make sure that we’re okay.

00;26;28;01 – 00;26;44;13
Dr. Mona
Thank you so much for bringing up that misconception around physical vaginal health. You know, I think you’re right. Like a lot of women think that that’s normal and that pain are there. There can be pain. But no, you’re right. Are there any other misconceptions that you’ve seen as a therapist regarding this post? Kid intimacy.

00;26;44;13 – 00;27;02;16
Dr. Tracy D
There’s this often message that you just need to do it. That one I think is, you know, I like to reframe that to can you honor your body a little bit more and honor what it is that you need? It’s not just about doing it. And that is different from the response of always saying, I’m too tired.

00;27;02;16 – 00;27;22;07
Dr. Tracy D
I’m too tired, I’m too tired. Right? And that we want to look at your how you’re entering into desire. That one. But then the other one is around. I had it on the tip of my tongue there. Where did it go? You just need to do it, and. Well, I’ll say this one. It will just happen.

00;27;22;09 – 00;27;36;01
Dr. Tracy D
And it doesn’t because there’s a lot of internal thoughts and experiences that you do need to address. And be willing to have hard conversations and be vulnerable with your partner. Were there any other that came to mind for, you.

00;27;36;08 – 00;27;43;15
Dr. Mona
Know, I think they said the biggest ones, I think the other you know, the other thing that I see messaging wise is around that six week visit postpartum.

00;27;43;15 – 00;27;45;23
Dr. Tracy D
Oh, thank you for bringing that one up. Yeah.

00;27;45;23 – 00;28;06;13
Dr. Mona
Yeah. Like, you know how although you are getting cleared to have sexual intercourse at six weeks does not mean you have to have it. And it was I mean, I’m sure funny story because I, you know, after my first I had a very traumatic delivery. The second, the delivery itself, a repeat C-section wasn’t traumatic, but I had postpartum complications that matched what I had with my son.

00;28;06;15 – 00;28;35;29
Dr. Mona
And so I had at a very rare condition. And, I went to my OB and my OB at the six week visit. She literally, like, chuckled as she said it. She’s like, hey, look, you’re clear. I mean, I don’t think you’re going to want to. And I’m like, you’re right, there’s zero desire. Because I had just gotten a JP drain removed from my abdomen, which again, if you’re not familiar, I had a, you know, JP drains or if you have complications and had repeat surgeries to drain peritoneal fluid from your abdomen, I’m like, listen, you just sutured up my my JP drain.

00;28;36;06 – 00;28;54;07
Dr. Mona
I don’t want anyone near this JP drain. I don’t want anyone touching this. And it was just a funny, a funny thing from my OB because she recognized that she knew what she was doing. You clear it because you can. Everything looks great, you know? Whatever. But she got that even though you’re cleared, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to have it.

00;28;54;07 – 00;29;11;13
Dr. Mona
And I think there’s a lot of jokes about that on social. Right. Reals that are like, oh, got the six week clearance. And then if it’s a heterosexual relationship, the man is like, let’s go. And I’m like, I really hope from my perspective, I hope people listening can maybe have their partner listen to this too and really have the conversation.

00;29;11;13 – 00;29;31;14
Dr. Mona
Do you feel you’re ready for this? Like, is this something you want when it’s if it’s a birthing partner, like, yeah. Is it something that you want to have right now, or is this something that you’d like to wait? And I feel like that puts a lot of stress on women who just birthed a child, whether they had a traumatic birth or not, to feel like they must get back into sexual activity.

00;29;31;14 – 00;29;52;00
Dr. Mona
When we both say, you just said it perfectly that first year marriage expectations. Yeah, that this may not happen and that is okay. You’re not doing anything wrong. There’s other ways to reconnect, but I think that would be the biggest one. I see from a medical standpoint that can be misconstrued as an expectation that it has to happen versus, oh, no, it’s just that you have medical clearance.

00;29;52;07 – 00;29;54;02
Dr. Mona
It doesn’t mean you have to do it right.

00;29;54;02 – 00;30;17;04
Dr. Tracy D
And that that is something that I really wish we were better at reframing as just sort of this like pre-baby guide package of like. Here are five questions to talk about your relationship. Here are five questions to talk about sex and intimacy. The other one that shows up often for women is if you’re not having sex, then your partner is going to leave you or find it from somewhere else.

00;30;17;07 – 00;30;18;08
Dr. Mona
And,

00;30;18;11 – 00;30;38;29
Dr. Tracy D
You know, and I hear that one a lot. Or I also hear that if she’s ready. So hetero relationship or the birthing partner is ready, but the non birthing partner is not ready. And that discounts also what we need to have a conversation around which is men’s fathers mental health. As well that many men do experience postpartum depression.

00;30;39;01 – 00;31;02;22
Dr. Tracy D
And so remembering that in the absence of sex, this does not mean that someone is going to be cheating on you. Right? And to put our relationship on more, sturdy footing, to understand that your relationship is made up of so much more than just the act of intercourse and orgasms.

00;31;02;22 – 00;31;23;28
Dr. Mona
Yes. Very good point. And you know, this is a parenting podcast. Like I said, we talked about that from the beginning that I love to have conversations not only on how to deal with our children and all the things, but also relationships. And so to you, why and how has this conversation and the work that you’ve done as a couples therapist, how do you think that it helps parenting?

00;31;23;28 – 00;31;27;24
Dr. Mona
How do you think that it helps you know, us showing up for our children.

00;31;27;27 – 00;31;50;22
Dr. Tracy D
When we can be confident in where we are and what we need, and we can do that with our partners, it creates a stronger bond. When we feel secure and connected with our partner, we then model that to our children. Our children are watching us in these micro moments. When you turn to your partner and you say, why would you do that?

00;31;50;27 – 00;32;16;14
Dr. Tracy D
Your child hears it and feels it in. Even if they are not verbal yet, they still feel it inside of them. And so if your partner comes and gives you a hug, but then you push them away. Oh, and we haven’t even touched on that feeling, touched out experience, which is such a real experience for parents. But you know, your children are watching and so we want to model to them what does a healthy relationship look like?

00;32;16;14 – 00;32;45;11
Dr. Tracy D
And that is one that includes physical touch and closeness and maybe kissing in front of them if that feels comfortable for you. But certainly showing the repair what it looks like to repair so that your children can see this. Let me just follow that thread there for the feeling touched. So if you are feeling touched out, that is a good sign that you need some more time for just you and being able to carve that out in other ten minute blocks or in if it’s possible to leave for longer.

00;32;45;11 – 00;32;50;11
Dr. Tracy D
I remember nursing my second and she refused the bottle. What a gift she was or.

00;32;50;13 – 00;32;51;22
Dr. Mona
In the early.

00;32;51;22 – 00;33;00;20
Dr. Tracy D
Days of teaching me who she was and telling you that I am not going to do that. You need to accept me in all of my ways, and let me teach you about.

00;33;00;23 – 00;33;03;24
Dr. Mona
What a what a journey. Right? So they always give us on our toes.

00;33;03;24 – 00;33;29;01
Dr. Tracy D
Yeah, but it’s that experience of where do I regulate my nervous system. And so maybe it’s not about keeping the kitchen clean right now because you are tapped out and touched out. Yeah. And sometimes we have to prioritize things. Someone had said to me, you know, Tracy, you can’t have it all. You can’t be connected to your kids, be connected with your husband and have a clean house all at the same time.

00;33;29;01 – 00;33;36;26
Dr. Tracy D
And so something has to give. And that was it was hard to hear that at the same time, something I had to recognize a lot in my own postpartum journey.

00;33;36;29 – 00;34;01;01
Dr. Mona
Yeah, I love it. Well, thank you for touching upon that being touched out. And so, you know, I, I felt the same, you know, I always I’ve, I have a really big problem of over scheduling myself. And I’ve gotten so much better. But then that whole again not having time for self and really telling my partner, hey, I am overscheduled and I’m feeling that terminology like I’m feeling like I don’t want that touch.

00;34;01;01 – 00;34;20;15
Dr. Mona
And I am touched out and saying, here’s what I need to do to get to a place. And then again, open conversation. I feel like it’s so helpful and really understanding that it doesn’t have to look the same. I love that point that you made, that we oftentimes think that it has to be like it was pre children and those expectations right of like, well, it has to be like that.

00;34;20;15 – 00;34;44;07
Dr. Mona
Well that it could evolve. And that’s the beautiful thing about relationships not only a relationship with our child that continues to evolve this very, very complicated relationship with our partners that I, I’ve enjoyed seeing how our relationship has evolved and changed and gone from like the ability to go to many date nights whenever we want to. Now, how are we going to reconnect without that?

00;34;44;14 – 00;35;03;26
Dr. Mona
That it’s not about the date night and date nights are wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, I think everyone would love that. But are we doing the work before the date night, right? Or is the date night a Band-Aid? Right. So really, we talk a lot about that. And you brought up the whole male’s mental health. My husband and I recorded a really great podcast about his journey with postpartum depression and anxiety.

00;35;03;26 – 00;35;20;06
Dr. Mona
And, you know, it was really eye opening for a lot of our listeners. But stuff I already knew. But you’re right. I mean, we always think about the woman not wanting, but what is it that the man wants if it’s a heterosexual relationship? So you really brought home amazing points. What would be a final message for everyone listening today?

00;35;20;06 – 00;35;42;04
Dr. Tracy D
To remember that sex is not just this narrowly defined experience, that it’s all connected. So when we look at the mental load, when we look at your emotional connection, we will look at vulnerability and sharing our internal experiences. All of that leads to our intimacy and feeling connected.

00;35;42;08 – 00;36;00;08
Dr. Mona
I love it, Tracy, thank you so much for coming on the show. I hope to have you back on again. We have so much to go into. So yes, we could dive into so many amazing conversations and like I already said, the reason why I find these episodes and conversations so important on the parenting podcast is because it is so much more than how we show up for our children.

00;36;00;08 – 00;36;10;29
Dr. Mona
It’s the relationships we have with our peers, our loved ones, our partners and ourselves. So thank you. Where can people go to stay connected? Find your book and learn more about all of your resources and content.

00;36;11;03 – 00;36;36;03
Dr. Tracy D
One of my main areas of hanging out is on Instagram. I love when people finish listening and they come over, send me a DM. Tell me what stood out for you from today’s episode. So my handle is Doctor Tracy D that’s my handle on all sociaux. You can also find many free resources on my website. My favorite one is the five exercises to help Improve Your Intimacy and my website is Doctor Tracy Dotcom.

00;36;36;08 – 00;36;55;22
Dr. Mona
Wonderful! Thank you so much. I’ll be attaching all of that to our show notes. And again, take a look at her account. Like I said personally, I love your reels. I love the way that you really bring in just easy to do simple activities. It’s not stuff that has a heavy lift. Like I say, you know, you’re not having to do some major extravagant getaway.

00;36;55;22 – 00;37;04;12
Dr. Mona
It’s daily changes to really regain not just intimacy, but connection with partner. And I think that’s awesome. Thank you again for joining me today.

00;37;04;12 – 00;37;06;14
Dr. Tracy D
Thank you so much for having me here.

00;37;06;16 – 00;37;23;14
Dr. Mona
Thank you so much for joining us today. And a huge thank you to Doctor Tracy Dalglish for sharing her wisdom. Remember, struggling with intimacy after a baby is more common than we think, and it’s okay and very important to talk about it. Relationships evolve and while it can be challenging, this phase is just one chapter of the journey.

00;37;23;17 – 00;37;51;00
Dr. Mona
Take small steps, have open conversations, and remember that reconnecting takes time. You and your partner are on the same team, and with patience and understanding, you can find your way back to each other. Don’t hesitate to seek support if you need it. These conversations are here to remind you that you’re not alone in this. I hope you all have a wonderful week ahead, and next time I’ll be joined by Melina McCarney, pediatric dietitian, to chat about early introduction of allergenic foods and her new book, Food Allergy Prevention.

00;37;51;06 – 00;37;52;25
Dr. Mona
Have a great week and stay tuned.