In this week’s Follow Up, Dr. Mona revisits one of her earliest and most popular episodes: 15 Things We Need to Stop Doing as Parents. This quick-hit version pulls out 5 powerful reminders that every parent needs to hear.

From the viral Instagram post that sparked thousands of saves and shares, Dr. Mona brings back the tough love truths that free parents from comparison, guilt, and perfection obsession.

You’ll hear why it’s time to:

• Stop comparing your child to others

• Stop spanking as a form of discipline

• Stop trying to be your child’s “friend” instead of their parent

• Stop chasing the “perfect” kid

• Stop neglecting your own needs and your partnership

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00;00;00;06 – 00;00;25;20

Dr. Mona

Hello, it’s Doctor Mona and welcome to the follow up. Where we revisit an old favorite episode of mine in less time than it takes your kid to change their mind about what they want for dinner. Today, I’m bringing back one of the very first episodes I ever recorded, 15 Things We Need to Stop Doing As Parents. And if you’ve seen my pinned viral post on Instagram, the one where I share the advice I’d give you if I wasn’t afraid of hurting your feelings.

 

00;00;25;23 – 00;00;46;17

Dr. Mona

That post got 60,000 likes, 15,000 shares, and 18,000 saved. So I know that it was really resonating with people that I wanted to bring back this conversation from stopping the comparisons to ditching spanking to letting go of perfection. These are reminders every parent needs to hear. And if you want the show to keep going, I really need your help.

 

00;00;46;24 – 00;01;09;07

Dr. Mona

Make sure you hit download, subscribe to the podcast, and share this with another parent and listen to the full episode if you want to. That’s how we spread these messages and keep these conversations alive. And don’t forget to tag me at PedsDocTalk and the PedsDocTalk podcast when you do share. Let’s get into it.

 

00;01;09;09 – 00;01;32;03

Dr. Mona

Number five. Stop comparing them to other kids. I you know, it’s that competition that we have created in our generation and even in generations past that we compare and we compare and we compare and comparison is the thief of joy. I’m asking you to really, really consider stop doing this one. And I’m not only talking about the comparisons you make in your head, right?

 

00;01;32;03 – 00;01;50;15

Dr. Mona

Because we do it and it happens. But the verbal comparisons you at, you tell your child, well, why aren’t you as good as your brother or your sister or your cousin or your friend? It’s that comparison that doesn’t allow them to feel like they can thrive, right? Because they feel like they’re always trying to live up to someone else’s expectations.

 

00;01;50;15 – 00;02;14;25

Dr. Mona

And so it’s really important not to do this. And also internally stop doing it right, that you are looking on social media or your friends and so-and-so’s kid was was talking or walking or crawling at a certain age, and your child is not doing that. That will rob your joy, right? When you’re always thinking about what everyone else is doing, you’re not looking at the kid in front of you who’s likely doing well.

 

00;02;14;28 – 00;02;34;01

Dr. Mona

Now, that being said, like I said earlier, if you are concerned in terms of a milestone, you have to bring that up to your pediatrician. Right. And that’s why the well, visits are so important. Number four, stop spanking your child. I you know, I’m a general pediatrician and I am shocked as to how many people still feel that spanking is okay.

 

00;02;34;01 – 00;02;55;11

Dr. Mona

And, you know, if you’re listening and you were spanked or are spanking your child, a lot of it is a cycle, right? So obviously if it was done to you, you feel like you can do it to your your child. And I’m just asking for you to break that cycle. And I hope after you listen to this, this reason, you understand why spanking has just been proven in research time and time again.

 

00;02;55;11 – 00;03;20;07

Dr. Mona

And we call it corporal punishment, that it just does not lead to behavior modification. And it can also potentially lead to more aggressive behavior when the when the child gets older. And I don’t need a research study to tell me that because I see it in my office. I see kids come in and their parents are slapping them, and the children is acting out with it, with slapping and hitting, and the parent is confused as to where they got it from.

 

00;03;20;10 – 00;03;36;03

Dr. Mona

And I and they’re like, you know, he he or she behaves when I slap and they it’s like threats. And I’m like, wow, that is we’re not looking at child behavior in the right way. If we feel like spanking is going to keep them in line. I know what you’re thinking because I hear it all the time. That will no, you see all.

 

00;03;36;03 – 00;03;56;06

Dr. Mona

I’ll tell them and they’ll they’ll behave. But when what you’re teaching and showing your child when you spank them. One is that you’re telling them it’s okay to use force when you’re upset. Right? And yeah, not all kids who get spanked are going to end up being speakers or hitters themselves, but it can increase the likelihood they’re right because they are seeing that, okay, mommy or daddy was upset.

 

00;03;56;06 – 00;04;16;01

Dr. Mona

They spank me. They used a belt. Whatever it is, and I’m going to I’m going to do that to another person if I’m upset too. So doesn’t teach them how to process their emotions in a right way, right? The second, what is spanking telling them spanking is telling them it’s not okay to be sad and upset and to stifle the emotions because you’re afraid, right?

 

00;04;16;03 – 00;04;38;29

Dr. Mona

If they do something bad, why don’t we? Why aren’t we teaching our children that? Why was this bad? Let me tell you what’s going on. Whether it’s you’re doing, if you implore timeout, if you are more mindful and like to talk to the child about what they’re feeling and coping skills, but you can’t go to slapping. And the hard reality is, and I’m very aware of this, a lot of families, you know, they’re tired themselves.

 

00;04;38;29 – 00;05;00;23

Dr. Mona

The parents are tired and they’re just exhausted with parenting and all that comes with it. And we all get it right. Every general pediatrician who gives us advice, every behavioral therapist who gives us advice, understands, and whether we have children or not, we understand. All this is hard to do, but to raise your hand to a child is not teaching them how to cope with their emotions in a positive way.

 

00;05;00;26 – 00;05;23;20

Dr. Mona

Number three stop trying to be their friend. Guys were parents, were not their friend. That means we have to set boundaries. So when I went back to the other topic about intuitive eating, but we have to set boundaries with food, eventually with sleep, eventually with behavior right? It’s important. Boundaries are important for kids. I you know, there’s a lot of parenting styles.

 

00;05;23;23 – 00;05;45;14

Dr. Mona

I practice a authoritative parenting style. Meaning, again, there’s so many different types, but if I’m going to group them, group myself into one, one type of parenting style, again, I think it’s it’s across all of them. It would be authoritative, which basically is different than authoritarian but authoritative, which basically means that I am showing you love and nurturing a nurturing environment, but I’m also setting boundaries.

 

00;05;45;21 – 00;06;12;08

Dr. Mona

So if you’re not behaving, we’re going to talk about it and we’re going to remedy this. If you’re obviously behaving well, we’re going to reward good behavior. And it’s creating these expectations and boundaries that children thrive. And please read about authoritative parenting and how important and useful it is. Like, again, it’s one of the major parenting models, and it has been shown that it leads to very emotionally secure kids and kids that are very successful and it’s really something I’m passionate about.

 

00;06;12;08 – 00;06;33;07

Dr. Mona

And when I talk about, you know, fuss free parenting and mindful parenting, it goes into the sort of authoritative because it’s being mindful of ourselves, creating boundaries, a loving on your child 100%, but allowing space and distance and saying, you know what, this is not okay right now, but you have to create these boundaries and it’s okay if they don’t like you.

 

00;06;33;07 – 00;06;57;16

Dr. Mona

I get it. Stop trying to be their friend, please. You’re their parent. It’s okay to have that open relationship. But when you become a friend, that means when you’re permissive of things, right? Oh yeah, it doesn’t matter. But as a parent, you have to be that nurturing space that says, I love you, but I’m still an authority figure and I’m very big on this, guys, because I’m a pediatrician and I’m going to speak for the teachers as well, right?

 

00;06;57;19 – 00;07;20;28

Dr. Mona

Parents, pediatricians and teachers are the three main, main authority figures that a kid would see in their life. And I’m seeing children come in with a lot of disrespect for doctors. And it is actually really, really fascinating because the parents obviously don’t care. And it’s it’s awful because this is a person who’s trying to help your child. This is a person like teachers, like obviously like you.

 

00;07;21;05 – 00;07;54;25

Dr. Mona

And there needs to be some level of respect for someone who’s trying to help you. Right. So it’s important for this boundary setting. It’s important to say, you know, things are not working. I may need help. I need to figure out boundary setting. And I don’t know what to do. Talking to your pediatrician about a behavioral therapist, a child psychologist to help them have the best outcome, right, to help them understand authority in a positive light, that this is someone trying to help you remember these things, because it is important that you are their parent, because they need to have that nurturing space and that you’re not their friend.

 

00;07;54;27 – 00;08;17;02

Dr. Mona

Number two, stop trying to raise the perfect kid. We’re so caught up with this, and I really don’t. You know, you’ll find when you get to know me more again, I know I’m spewing out all this parenting advice. It comes from a place that I want to reduce anxiety, and I want to really allow kids to thrive in a place where they feel loved.

 

00;08;17;05 – 00;08;35;22

Dr. Mona

Not this sort of helicoptered place where they just feel that they can’t be themselves, and it leads to anxiety, and it leads to all this just, you know, the feeling that they just can’t live and that you can’t live as parents, right? This obsession and perfection, I call it perfection. Obsession. If you want this obsession, it’s ruining us, right?

 

00;08;35;25 – 00;08;54;06

Dr. Mona

I want all my kids to be perfect. So what happens? You start to compare, well, so-and-so does this, so-and-so do this? I have to do the same thing. I got to do this. And it’s that obsession with perfection that leads to anxiety. And I again, I see this day in and day out. Well, oh my gosh, if my kids are not sleeping, but I want to sleep, train them.

 

00;08;54;06 – 00;09;12;15

Dr. Mona

And someone told me that it’s not good to sleep train. Oh my gosh, someone said that I have to do this and I want to do this and I’m grappling. Listen to your heart as a parent. Just listen to your heart if you want to sleep, train guys sleep train. But why are we having these discussions? Why are we arguing mother to mother?

 

00;09;12;17 – 00;09;32;20

Dr. Mona

Oh, well, I wouldn’t do it if you were basically with parenting, you have to do what you want to do and everyone else just needs to just stop talking, right? So if you’re with someone who doesn’t want to sleep, train right, and you are sleep training, that’s fine. Agree to disagree. I’m going to do something and you’re going to do something else.

 

00;09;32;24 – 00;09;51;08

Dr. Mona

But it’s this constant, well, you’re ruining your kid. Well, you’re you’re coddling your kid. Who cares? Like who really cares? Just let people do what they want to do, right? Like back off. And if you are, one thing that I’ll say is that if you’re feeling attacked or judgment, right, judgment, it does come from a place of insecurity.

 

00;09;51;08 – 00;10;08;12

Dr. Mona

Right? So if you’re feeling judged, it’s usually because you’re feeling a little insecure. So that’s why you feel judgment. If you didn’t feel insecure about anything, you wouldn’t feel judged. Me because, you know, you’re, you know, tough shit and you’re doing everything right. So remember that little concept about judgment. But if you are feeling like you’re being attacked, look at your kid, look at your partner.

 

00;10;08;12 – 00;10;28;28

Dr. Mona

If you have one and say, I’m doing everything right. Talk to your pediatrician about, you know, the best way to keep your kid healthy. But don’t let anyone else but you, your partner. If you have one, and your pediatrician tell you anything about your kid, okay, no one knows your kid but you and you are their parent. If you if you get so caught up in this, oh my gosh, I got to do this and I got to do it now.

 

00;10;28;28 – 00;10;46;29

Dr. Mona

I don’t do this. I’m a bad parent. If you get so caught up in that, you’re going to forget the kid. That’s right in front of you, right? That’s this is a problem. And why parents are not mindful. Because you are thinking about ten steps down the line when you’re not looking at that smiley, happy kid in front of you and guys, kids are innately happy.

 

00;10;47;01 – 00;11;14;09

Dr. Mona

We’re causing them to be so upset. And the last one has nothing to do with kids. What do you think it’s going to be? Stop neglecting yourself and your marriage if or partnership if you’re in one. Okay guys, I talk a lot about child health and wellness, but if you are not taking care of yourself, you have no no chance of your child having the skills that I’m talking about.

 

00;11;14;11 – 00;11;36;21

Dr. Mona

And I get it. We have limited resources financially. Time right? Money and time are just so hard to come by. So when you make these changes, you have to look at, well, what can I maybe, what can I drop, what can I do? And like I said, I’ve worked with so many different types of families and the happiest families are one.

 

00;11;36;24 – 00;11;57;23

Dr. Mona

The ones that are letting it go, which means that they’re not worrying about what anyone else says. They’re not getting caught up in that drama, and they are taking the time for themselves and their partner. I, I cannot express the importance of this, and I think, I don’t know what happened. This culture of I have to be attached to my child at every given moment.

 

00;11;57;25 – 00;12;22;03

Dr. Mona

I have seen parents coming in and children who there is secure attachment. The parent, the child knows that the parent is there for them, but that they’re that they’re okay and have and are allowed to explore that secure attachment. Right. That I I’m happy. I feel safe with my parents or mom or dad, whatever, but I have permission and I feel free to explore the world with that security at home base.

 

00;12;22;03 – 00;12;42;12

Dr. Mona

Right. That is what we’re trying to teach our kids. If you neglect yourself and get caught up in this sort of attachment that I have to be with the kid, you’re going to lose yourself in that process. So if you’re finding that you haven’t gone outside, if you haven’t got your nails done, if you want to get your nails, and if you haven’t gotten a haircut, if you haven’t gone to the gym, talk to your resources, right.

 

00;12;42;12 – 00;13;01;25

Dr. Mona

If you have a nanny, if you have a grandma, if you have, a partner, if you need to drop off the kid to a daycare, whatever. Use your time and use your own own feelings to guide this, right? Because you need to take care of yourself. Check in with yourself, right? When I said check your feelings, check and say, am I starting to feel this?

 

00;13;01;25 – 00;13;30;28

Dr. Mona

Do I? What can I do to reset myself so I can be a better parent for my kid? But I see this sort of self-care being so important and just taking a moment. And I get it. If you don’t have resources, you know you don’t. If you’re single, if you’re single parent, I get it’s hard, but if you have that person that comes once a week or, you know, hiring someone just for an hour so you can go for a walk just for an hour, so you can scroll on social media just for an hour so you can go cry and not be with your kid.

 

00;13;31;03 – 00;13;54;07

Dr. Mona

Just take that time for yourself. It’s important, and take that time for your marriage if you’re in one. Our kids look at the relationships that we hold and the number one relationship that they’re going to look at is the one that you and your partner have. So if they’re seeing that mommy and daddy, you know, I have, you know, the kids, their mommy and daddy are arguing and yelling all the time.

 

00;13;54;09 – 00;14;14;05

Dr. Mona

It doesn’t teach them good things about relationships. Right? So if you’re finding that you and your partner are just not on the same page and look after marriage, it’s been reported that, sorry after I apologize after kids, it’s been reported that marriages can kind of obviously take a backseat. And we understand that. I get it, but check in with your partner, ask, how are you feeling?

 

00;14;14;07 – 00;14;39;08

Dr. Mona

What can I do to help you? It takes one thing. It’s not so much of our time, but it’s that one thing that tells us that person cares. And I tell him that I’m like you. I knew you cared because of that action. And it means so much because if your child could see the way you interact with your partner or your, you know, your colleagues or your friends, it gives them a good idea of, wow, this is how I should interact.

 

00;14;39;11 – 00;15;00;17

Dr. Mona

And it also brings a happy, happy home. My philosophy is that we’re allowed to have emotions as adults, were allowed to have emotions as adults were allowed to yell, as adults were allowed, you know, to make mistakes. And so our kids. But what’s not allowed us to not grow from them, right? So I’m not okay with someone telling me, well, doctor, I’m going to be this forever.

 

00;15;00;17 – 00;15;19;07

Dr. Mona

I had this done this way and this is who I’m going to be. That’s not growth. That’s not a growth mindset. That’s a fixed mindset. You’re not changing as a parent. You have to evolve as a parent. You have to learn what works for your child, and you have to learn what works for you.

 

00;15;19;10 – 00;15;40;19

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real, relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;15;40;26 – 00;15;56;08

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support and remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.