Few things trigger parents faster than physical behavior. It can feel embarrassing, frustrating, and sometimes even personal. But what if these behaviors are less about “bad behavior” and more about a brain that simply isn’t ready yet?

In this episode, we break down why toddlers lean into physical, reactive behaviors when big feelings take over. Their emotional capacity is growing quickly, but their ability to pause, regulate, and explain what they’re feeling is still catching up. So they use what works fast – their bodies.

We talk about how to respond in the moment without shaming, lecturing, or asking rhetorical questions toddlers cannot answer. Instead of saying “Why are you biting me?” or “That’s not nice,” we explore how to set firm boundaries while still guiding the skill that is developing.

You’ll learn how to:

✔️ Separate the action from the intention
✔️ Redirect behavior without minimizing the need behind it
✔️ Offer appropriate outlets for physical impulses
✔️ Reinforce correct behavior at home, even if incidents are happening at daycare
✔️ Partner with teachers to prevent behaviors before they escalate
✔️ Avoid common mistakes like shaming, over-talking, or making it personal

Want more? Listen to the full, ⁠original episode⁠.

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and⁠ ⁠subscribe to PedsDocTalk⁠⁠.

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00;00;00;04 – 00;00;22;01

Dr. Mona

Hello, it’s Doctor Mona here. Your favorite online pediatrician. I hope you’re online, mom. Friend. And this is the follow up. Where we revisit a favorite parenting conversation on the show in less time than it takes your toddler to throw a toy, ask for a bag, and throw it again. If you’ve ever dealt with biting, hitting, or throwing, you know how quickly those moments can feel overwhelming.

 

00;00;22;03 – 00;00;45;23

Dr. Mona

But many of these behaviors are actually tied to development, impulse control, and communication skills that are still growing. In this episode, I’m joined by child developmental specialist and parenting expert Doctor Siggie Cohen to talk about when to intervene with behaviors like biting and hitting. Hint you should. Why toddler struggle with abstract language and how to guide behavior by offering appropriate alternatives instead of rhetorical questions or shame.

 

00;00;45;25 – 00;01;10;04

Dr. Mona

If this conversation resonates with you, remember the drill download the full episode. Subscribe to the show, share this episode with a parent in the toddler years, and tag at the PedsDocTalk podcast and at Doctor Sigi Segui so we can keep supporting families together. Let’s get into today’s conversation.

 

00;01;10;06 – 00;01;18;21

Dr. Mona

How can we navigate these behaviors as parents, which maybe use the throwing example, things that we can do in the moment, things that we can do later. What are some of your general tips?

 

00;01;18;23 – 00;01;45;18

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Right. So we want to understand, first of all, that when we say it’s normal and typical, it is part of natural development. But where they are at that point in life is that language cognitive. Obviously an intellect is progressing, but not as fast as emotions. So at this point or emotion or their emotional capacity is really growing, but their ability to explain and express it is still very limited.

 

00;01;45;20 – 00;02;20;08

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So this is why using anything that is physical, primal, right. These are primal behaviors. Cause they’re instant, they’re quick, they get a reaction. They get the job done. Right. Quote unquote, for the child. So we want to understand where it’s coming from, the inability to take the moment to regulate, to understand what it is that I’m feeling and then express it in any other way except for that instant action of throwing, biting, pushing and pulling is where we want to intervene.

 

00;02;20;08 – 00;02;48;03

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So back to understanding the child has some need to express an emotion. Whatever it is, sometimes it’s just an attempt even of some physical behavior. They are learning to use their body and they’re learning to use all the different parts of their body. So it’s very, reactive. It’s very impulsive. Still, we want to be able to recognize that this is where they’re coming from, so then we can do something about it.

 

00;02;48;03 – 00;03;15;27

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So what does it mean in action? Throwing by itself is not necessarily bad. They have muscles. Their muscles are growing. Their muscles need to be active. Right. So throwing by itself is a good thing. But throwing a toy car at me when you’re angry or just throwing it across the room not okay because there is an appropriate place, an object to throw as opposed to not.

 

00;03;16;01 – 00;03;48;21

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So we say whoa, throwing. Wow, look at you. Throwing is a good thing. But yeah. No, we’re not going to throw the toy car. This is not for throwing. So we recognize the action that the child is needing or generating and expressing it in this case in an inappropriate way. We recognize it, but then we specify we define exactly where and how and what this action is appropriate and not.

 

00;03;48;23 – 00;03;54;24

Dr. Mona

That’s great tips. And with that same thing applies for like, biting behavior or hitting behavior. I know we talked about throwing.

 

00;03;55;00 – 00;04;20;03

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Absolutely. So the typical thing and I hear it often is a parent will say, no, don’t throw. That’s not okay. Throwing is not okay. Which is actually not true. Throwing is okay. But you’re right. Throwing the toy car across the room is not okay. Parents will say, why are you biting me? Right? Questioning a toddler to begin with, they can’t actually quite explain and express how they’re feeling.

 

00;04;20;03 – 00;04;49;03

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So obviously they’re not going to respond to that question. So it becomes sort of like a rhetorical question, why are you biting me? And they will say, you know, that’s not nice. You’re hurting me. Why are you pulling my hair? And so on. So once again, we want to place the behavior within its appropriateness. The child has an action that to begin with is not necessarily bad, but in the way in which they’re expressing it is definitely not so biting.

 

00;04;49;03 – 00;05;17;25

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Wow, look at you. You have great teeth. Can’t bite me. We don’t bite people. But what can we bite? So now you provide an alternative. You provide an expression, an outlet that is actually appropriate for that particular action without, diminishing it, without reprimanding the child for a behavior that they’re not fully aware of. In the moment that they are executing it, obviously.

 

00;05;17;27 – 00;05;26;22

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And you are providing a positive alternative, an outlet for what it is that they want to do without shame and doubt.

 

00;05;26;24 – 00;05;49;01

Dr. Mona

I love that, and sometimes we may see that a child or a parent will say, you know, they don’t do this at home, but the school or daycare is saying that they’re biting at school. So in that situation where maybe the parent is not seeing it or the Guardian, but it’s happening at school, how can a parent remedy the biting situation when they’re not physically seeing the biting happen?

 

00;05;49;03 – 00;05;53;03

Dr. Mona

Is it reaffirming when they can bite? Like, how can they navigate that situation.

 

00;05;53;04 – 00;06;19;09

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So definitely they can do that. They can randomly talk to the child in situations where they are actually using their teeth. Right? So they are eating and they can say, look at you using your teeth to bite the sandwich, the apple, the chicken. This is very good to have great teeth. So we are actually in this case placing it with the appropriate right, setting and even promoting it.

 

00;06;19;09 – 00;06;41;06

Dr. Siggie Cohen

But then we can now use the other situation as a frame of reference of what not to do with our teeth. So, yeah, earlier you were remember, you went to daycare this morning and then you wanted to bite. Or maybe you did Michael. Right. Yeah. That was not okay. And Michael was crying and the teacher was saying no, not okay.

 

00;06;41;09 – 00;07;01;28

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So we don’t bite people, but we can bite. What? And now you can even bring the child into that conversation. So include them. What? Can we bite? Yeah, we can bite you. Right. You have an apple right here, or you got, you know, your orange or your chicken. Yeah. Good job. You can bite that. You have great teeth.

 

00;07;01;28 – 00;07;28;24

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And that’s what they’re for. Biting people. Biting Michael at school. No. Not okay. That would be one thing to strengthen. That idea where a parent can do that in a home. Now, I do think that the school needs to also intervene in the correct kind of way. So obviously, you know, if this one particular child bitten another child at school, the other child is crying, there’s a lot of commotion around it.

 

00;07;28;27 – 00;07;52;07

Dr. Siggie Cohen

We’re now grabbing one child and no, that’s not okay. So the school needs to 100% for a while and usually doesn’t take too much to undo this behavior. If you stay on top of it and you correct it often before it actually happens. So I know the teachers have a lot to do, and when there’s a whole bunch of toddlers, it’s chaotic.

 

00;07;52;07 – 00;08;17;15

Dr. Siggie Cohen

But hopefully you don’t have too many biters all at the same time. They usually just have one. So a teacher has to be closer to that one particular child and help and stop it before it happens. So right then and there, it’s like about to happen because they want to toy, right? And one child and they grab it or they bite in order to get that toy from someone who’s very close to them.

 

00;08;17;15 – 00;08;39;15

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So they need to be there to stop it before it happens right then and there. Because that’s when actually we can promote success before the failure. All right. Before it even happens. So the teacher will say, well, no, I can see you want the toy. And that’s okay, but we’re not going to bite Michael. We’re going to wait for our turn.

 

00;08;39;22 – 00;09;01;06

Dr. Siggie Cohen

We’re going to use our words and say, can I have the toy? And so on. And so forth. So bring in language, bring in cognition to allow the child to recognize that they have to communicate that way. And when we help them communicate that way, we also helping them progress to the next level of socialization, which is to be inclusive.

 

00;09;01;08 – 00;09;14;15

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Right? When I bite someone, I only think of me. But when I use my words, I am now recognizing that someone else has to be included in the conversation, which is very important.

 

00;09;14;17 – 00;09;39;13

Dr. Mona

Oh, these are such great tips. And, you know, I’m sure in your experience, obviously with all of your work, you know, in, in real life, but also on social media with educating people, what do you think? You see? You know, your opinion is the biggest mistake or maybe error. And I think it’s rightfully so. Maybe just parents don’t know the biggest mistake they make when they’re trying to eliminate or work with these behaviors is any.

 

00;09;39;15 – 00;10;02;13

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Rhetorical questioning, and a lot of placing themselves in the situation as if making the child, you know, feel bad. And I’m just going to say it lightly is going to change their behavior. So why are you doing that? That’s not okay. You’re hurting me. Do you want to hurt me? Yeah. I mean, really, you having this kind of a conversation with the toddler, can they.

 

00;10;02;19 – 00;10;26;09

Dr. Siggie Cohen

I mean, can you can they really philosophize over. Yeah. So. And you know what? Sometimes I even say, okay, so you’re asking your child, did you want to hurt me? And really, if they could answer, they would say, yeah, that was my intention. I mean, I get a reaction. This is sort of fun for me. I mean, I don’t know about you, so.

 

00;10;26;09 – 00;10;56;20

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Yeah. Okay. So let’s not try and say these things to them. So you said boundaries very, very clearly and firmly without diminishing who they are, without questioning, and without shaming them. And then we place whatever the action is in the right, sort of like channeling in the right direction to guide them, to mentor them, not to make them feel bad so they change their behavior.

 

00;10;56;22 – 00;11;18;04

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;11;18;11 – 00;11;33;23

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.