Dr. Mona revisits a conversation with licensed clinical social worker and childhood trauma educator Patrick Teahan. Together, they unpack how parenthood acts as a mirror, exposing hidden triggers and unhealed wounds from our own upbringing.

Key Takeaways

• The Inner Child in Parenting: Unresolved feelings from your family of origin often resurface during everyday interactions with your children, such as playing on the floor or managing toddlers’ independence.

• Pattern vs. Bad Day: Distinguishing between normal parenting exhaustion and a recurring emotional pattern that signals a need for self-reflection.

• Breaking Generational Cycles: Recognizing when your gut reaction comes from an old survival habit or how you were parented, rather than your actual core parenting values.

• The Healing Journey: Embracing the continuous work of self-improvement and celebrating the step to actively break toxic or authoritarian family patterns.

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;30;06

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the show. It’s Doctor Mona, and this is a series on the podcast where we revisit a past episode in less time than it takes you to figure out why you just snapped at your kid over a pair of shoes that were not even on the wrong feet. I’m bringing this one back because I think we need to talk more about the inner child, not as a buzzy therapy phrase, but as a real thing living inside every parent, listening to this.

 

00;00;30;08 – 00;01;06;03

Dr. Mona

So many of us are raw dogging parenting, meaning we are just white knuckling through the hard moments without ever asking what our inner child needs. And here is what I have come to believe, not only from parenting and all the experience I have as a pediatrician, but also in my marriage. So many conflicts between grown adults, especially in marriages, are actually two inner children fighting two little kids inside, two adult bodies each reacting, defending, and coping the only way they know how because that is the only way they were ever taught.

 

00;01;06;06 – 00;01;29;05

Dr. Mona

And another hard truth. Every relationship we carry into our adult life can crack open triggers from our past. Parenting is one of the biggest doors that swings open because a small, dependent human is now mirroring things back to us that we buried a long time ago. It shows us the good we carried forward from our childhood, and it also shows us the not so good too.

 

00;01;29;07 – 00;02;04;12

Dr. Mona

And that is not failure. This is important information if you listen to it. So today I’m airing an episode with Patrick T hen, a licensed clinical social worker, childhood trauma educator and father, about how and why parenting cracks, open old triggers and what to actually do when it happens. We get into why a completely normal moment like playing on the floor with your toddler, can trigger something very deep from your own childhood, even years of therapy in how to tell the difference between a rough, tired day and a real pattern that is worth digging into and why so much of parenting is about asking yourself one honest question.

 

00;02;04;15 – 00;02;30;06

Dr. Mona

Is this coming from what I actually believe is right, or is this coming from how I was raised? Go download the full episode wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to share this on social and tag PedsDocTalk, the PedsDocTalk podcast and Patrick t hen official. That’s Patrick T for an official. When you do.

 

00;02;30;08 – 00;02;40;13

Dr. Mona

What is it about becoming a parent that you feel opens up those triggers so much? Sure. You know, in terms of that awakening, that’s a lot of people may have or hopefully start to have eventually.

 

00;02;40;15 – 00;03;01;06

Patrick Teahan

Right. Oh, I’ll tell that I the question with a story. And in my world is that our body has a genius level to it. If you were raised in unsafe environments or not healthy family systems or you got some childhood trauma going on, the body is always kind of looking at this almost like idea like, oh it’s happening again.

 

00;03;01;09 – 00;03;01;27

Dr. Mona

 

00;03;01;29 – 00;03;20;00

Patrick Teahan

So I had a moment like a parenting fail and both a wake up call is when my son was a toddler and we were struggling as a cop, typical stuff. Like we were both trying to work. One of us was doing the majority of the childcare which was my wife. I was trying to start a private practice. I was also doing a side hustle.

 

00;03;20;03 – 00;03;41;11

Patrick Teahan

And when it came time, when my wife would say, go do her work on a Saturday. I was already exhausted. So when I had my son with me and we had our time together, I hit bottom when it came to being present with him. He must have been 2 or 3, but I just noticed it’s just something like when it came down to carpet time of playing, I level with him with toys and doing that.

 

00;03;41;12 – 00;04;00;07

Patrick Teahan

I noticed a pattern with and this is I’ve already been through a lot of therapy. I’m a psychotherapist. Like this is the stuff I think about. I noticed that I had such a brief window of attention with him before I would go on my phone. And I wasn’t really present for him and that I really had to do some reflecting and exploring in a tool that I use called Dialoging.

 

00;04;00;09 – 00;04;20;25

Patrick Teahan

And that short window of time was that I’m a child of neglect. I had a father, but I he was there, but I didn’t have a father. I didn’t have a relationship with him. He was a pretty sick guy with narcissistic personality disorder, and my body was sort of freaking out because I was both triggered by the intimacy with my son.

 

00;04;20;28 – 00;04;45;20

Patrick Teahan

And then feeling really, really bad about how I was doing as a parent about not engaging him. And I think we all as parents over scrutinize. Right. Yeah. But this is a little bit different. I just really noticed that I really had a short amount of attention with him when it came to like playing or being engaged with him, or so it was a short attention span with him, and that was my body kind of freaking out.

 

00;04;45;21 – 00;04;51;13

Patrick Teahan

I was triggered by the intimacy with my son, and my body was like, oh, it’s happening again. I’m just like, dad.

 

00;04;51;15 – 00;04;53;18

Dr. Mona

Interesting. I know, I’m sorry.

 

00;04;53;21 – 00;05;13;28

Patrick Teahan

I’m disinterested, Johnny. I mean, it’s just like kind of a thing, but at the same time, to maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was normal stuff that we all struggle with. And I know I’m repeating myself, but I mean, like my energy about getting I level with him and playing with the Thomas, the Toy train and really setting something up is that bothered me about myself.

 

00;05;14;00 – 00;05;36;11

Dr. Mona

I think this is so important because you’re bringing up a great example of something that I think a lot of parents have gone through that are listening, right? Like when you’re playing with a child and are just spacing out, and I think it’s so healthy and so important to bring up this perspective because like you said, it could be that you’re just so tired and it’s just a random day I’ve been doing right, like I’ve been in those moments where I’m just it’s not a good day.

 

00;05;36;11 – 00;05;53;03

Dr. Mona

But if it’s a consistent pattern, is what you’re talking about, right? Like if you’re noticing that you have really a hard time connection with your child, then there needs to be some digging as to why are you having a tough time connecting with your child? You can’t blame being tired for like, I’m talking like for three, you know, weeks.

 

00;05;53;03 – 00;06;09;02

Dr. Mona

For weeks. I’m talking about like the is the it happening more than often. And I think this is why we’re talking about this. Because you brought a great example that I know that a lot of my moms listening will say, well, you know, it’s because I was tired. I’m like, oh, I get that. Yes, you could be tired and had a really long day, your child and sleep.

 

00;06;09;02 – 00;06;17;03

Dr. Mona

But do you enjoy generally connecting with your child? And if you don’t, why, that’s a great thing. Why get serious? Yeah.

 

00;06;17;10 – 00;06;36;09

Patrick Teahan

Yes. And I love that you normalized it there. Because to be honest, parenting is so hard. I only remember pockets of that time period because we were both stressed and fighting and over tired. So to normalize it is like, yes, you’re going to. But here’s the differences. I would really ask a client if they came when I was tired that day.

 

00;06;36;09 – 00;06;55;28

Patrick Teahan

I would just kind of say, can you tell me about how your family dealt with connection in play growing up? So I really look at the family system of origin and what did that mean. It’s so even normal in our society to look at sort of absent fathers, or especially if you’re of a little bit of an older generation like me, my parents were immigrants.

 

00;06;55;28 – 00;07;22;22

Patrick Teahan

It was just not in my family to really play and engage. But I had a marked version of that. You know, it’s kind of a wake up call if you don’t know how to actually play with your three year old, something’s up. Right? It’s not like you’re bad, but it’s telling you you got to look at maybe your family system, or if you have some kind of, like, neurodivergent here, that’s all fine and good, but we’re talking about your family of origin is, you know, some people just grow up.

 

00;07;22;26 – 00;07;38;11

Patrick Teahan

What looks good on paper is super neglected. No one knows how to really connect or play or have fun, as long as it’s not coming from somewhere else. I think everyone needs to look at their family system in some way, but this is the stuff that I’m trying to connect dots for people and help them.

 

00;07;38;14 – 00;07;55;08

Dr. Mona

Is there any other example? I’d love this example, but is there any other example that we can see where a seemingly typical experience with a child, maybe with a tantrum or whatever, that could be something that could come from childhood, that could be a trigger that’s being unloaded as a parent a bunch.

 

00;07;55;08 – 00;08;21;28

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. And they’re not unlike other relationships in our lives. Like, say you surprise your five year old with a special toy and they’re disinterested in it. You know what I mean? It’s just the really normal stuff that kind of comes up. This stuff just comes out of the blue. Like, you know, a new parent with a two year old is really put off when they go from being super cuddly to being a bit defiant.

 

00;08;22;00 – 00;08;45;13

Patrick Teahan

And that defines or just sort of like becoming their own independent person. Like that parent might notice huge feelings of anger. So when I mean about that, coming back to that phrase, we parent the way that we are parented. This is a little bit tricky to explain. Let’s just say someone is goes to an automatic authoritarian place with their toddler, but that’s really not what they truly value.

 

00;08;45;15 – 00;08;54;11

Patrick Teahan

Like it comes out sideways and it’s just like where is this coming from. Like why am I so intense about them not listening to me. Like am I making sense there.

 

00;08;54;14 – 00;09;08;22

Dr. Mona

Yeah. You have to kind of like, is this something that I believe is right to do as a parent at this point, or is it coming from how I was parented? Is it coming from just what I know is normal? Like you said, the quote that you said, you parent as you were parents, right? And it’s not always right.

 

00;09;08;22 – 00;09;25;27

Dr. Mona

I mean, we know that, right? Like, I mean, my I was parenting with a very authoritarian father that was like my way or the highway, and it was something that I knew wasn’t right as I got older. You know, when you’re innocent, child, you don’t know any better. You don’t know that this is not the right way, because that’s all you know, right?

 

00;09;25;27 – 00;09;43;03

Dr. Mona

You’re like, okay, this is my dad, this is my mom. And they parent me and they take care of me. And then you become an adult and you’re like, like an exception. As a pediatrician with all my passion for parenting, I was like, this doesn’t make sense. Like, why am I being yelled at? And, you know, I also was slapped as a child, very common in a lot of cultures, especially Indian culture.

 

00;09;43;03 – 00;09;44;01

Patrick Teahan

Absolutely.

 

00;09;44;03 – 00;10;00;01

Dr. Mona

And it’s not something I like. Right? As, someone was against that. So you’re right. Like, it is something that you have to kind of look at the situation and be like. And you know, from my personal example, my work actually happened before I became a parent. So you said you work with clients who make this work happen before they become a parent.

 

00;10;00;01 – 00;10;17;07

Dr. Mona

And some it happens after for me, I got married, we moved down to Florida and I told my husband, I’m like, I don’t like how I respond when I’m angry and I got a lot of that from my father. Meaning I would slam doors. I would yell because that’s what my father did. Right? And so I’m like, that’s not work when I have a child.

 

00;10;17;11 – 00;10;35;24

Dr. Mona

So I did a lot of work before becoming a parent because I didn’t want to do that for my kid. Right. I didn’t want to get so angry that I slapped him, or get so angry that I couldn’t control, you know, my anger management, you know, coping skills. So it was so much of that work. And my husband, it took him having the child to do that work, right.

 

00;10;35;24 – 00;10;56;15

Dr. Mona

Like it was different for us. And we’re still working on that. Right. Like it’s not a sure. And just because like a certain date of the child’s birthday, it’s constant self-improvement of looking at that past. And like we talked about getting so curious as to something’s not feeling right. Is this something that is going on currently? Is this something that I’m bringing from my past and my experiences?

 

00;10;56;15 – 00;11;07;00

Dr. Mona

And, I don’t know, I just feel like this insight is one of the most healthiest things parents can do. You know? And I don’t think a lot of parents are comfortable doing it sometimes. Or no, they need to.

 

00;11;07;02 – 00;11;31;26

Patrick Teahan

Right. Well, I want to pause for a minute and really celebrate your journey with that. And as well as listeners journey to really kind of say, how do I put this? I have this theory. I think that 90% of our psychological energy is wrapped up in trying to not be like our parents, especially if you were in an abusive family system.

 

00;11;31;26 – 00;12;05;13

Patrick Teahan

And I relate totally to your story. It’s just like, I’m the son of Irish immigrants and it’s night and day cultures, but they’re actually so similar. Yes, in terms of duty to parents, patriarchy, treatment of feelings, treatment of girls, you know, mean and old school now. But what I really want to say for listeners is to really celebrate that if you’re drawn to podcasts like this or this information is you’re doing such powerful work to try to break out of the family system that you come from.

 

00;12;05;15 – 00;12;26;25

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up, just a small dose of the real, relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;12;27;02 – 00;12;42;14

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.