In this final episode of 2025, I’m sharing something deeply personal – my relationship with anger, where it came from, and how I’ve worked to change it. This is one of the most vulnerable solo episodes I’ve ever recorded, because anger is a feeling so many of us carry quietly, especially in parenthood.

This episode is for the parent who feels ashamed after snapping. For the one who feels tense all the time. For the one who is scared they might repeat what they grew up with. Your anger does not make you a bad parent. It makes you human. And change is possible.

I discuss:

✔️ How anger showed up in my early life and why it became my default response

✔️ The moment with our puppy that forced me to see my patterns clearly

✔️ How stress, trauma, and burnout can pull old reactions back to the surface

✔️ What I learned through coaching, therapy, and eventually EMDR

✔️ How this work changed my nervous system, my parenting, and my day-to-day mindset

✔️ The brain science behind anger and why your body reacts before your thoughts do

✔️ What often sits underneath explosive reactions

✔️ How your window of tolerance affects everything

✔️ The real tools I use when I feel overwhelmed

✔️ How I teach my kids that feelings are allowed, but hurtful behavior is not

00:00 Scary parents are scared parents
01:10 Why anger shows up in parenting
02:49 When anger becomes a problem, not a protector
03:09 The moment I knew I had to change
05:44 Trauma, motherhood, and why anger came back
06:59 How therapy helped me find peace
08:48 Fear, the nervous system, and the science of anger
10:59 Breaking the cycle while raising kids
12:14 Tools to handle anger in the moment
14:13 Teaching kids that feelings are ok, harmful behavior is not
17:03 Repair, progress, and modeling growth
19:48 When to seek support and why it matters
21:41 You are not broken, change is possible

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00;00;00;04 – 00;00;21;20

Dr. Mona

Scary. Parents are scared parents. And the more I interact with fellow parents and guide them through parenting moments, the truer it feels. A parent who yells a parent who snaps, a parent who intimidates, a parent who reacts with force. That parent isn’t powerful in that moment. They’re scared. Scared of losing control. Scared of being embarrassed. Scared of repeating the past.

 

00;00;21;25 – 00;00;42;25

Dr. Mona

Scared of not being enough. Scared of the pressure that never seems to ease up. Scared of the invisible load they’re carrying alone. Once I understood that fear drives so much of our anger, I could finally get curious instead of ashamed. So if you’re angry and feel like that’s a common feeling inside you, start by asking yourself, what am I scared of right now?

 

00;00;43;02 – 00;01;09;22

Dr. Mona

Where is this fear coming from? Am I scared I’m losing control? Am I scared I’m failing? Am I scared I’m not being heard. Am I scared? Everything is on me. Am I scared I’ll repeat what I saw when I began asking myself these questions. The anger finally made sense. Because the anger may have been the fire, but the fear and uncertainty was the cause.

 

00;01;09;25 – 00;01;30;28

Dr. Mona

Welcome to the show, doctor Mona here. And this is the last episode of 2025. Maybe you’re catching it the day it drops. Or maybe you’re tuning in in 2026 or 2027. Who knows? Or maybe you’re binge listening in the car, folding laundry, or hiding in the pantry however you found it. Thank you for being here. And while you’re here, make sure to subscribe and download the episode.

 

00;01;30;28 – 00;01;42;25

Dr. Mona

That is how the show grows and how I keep bringing you the conversations and topics you asked for.

 

00;01;42;27 – 00;02;04;26

Dr. Mona

And speaking of requests, this topic was one of the most popular ones I’ve had in months, which tells me something important. I have some listeners out there who are dealing with anger, not angry at me, but angry at life as stress, at the load they’re carrying, at the version of themselves they want to outgrow and if that’s you, let me say two things right away.

 

00;02;04;28 – 00;02;26;10

Dr. Mona

One, you are not alone. Two, I am a recovering anger management case myself. Today I want to talk about something a lot of parents feel, but rarely admit anger. It’s the real life kind. The short fuze, the snapping, the tight chest. The version of yourself you don’t want to be but can’t seem to shake. This is a vulnerable episode.

 

00;02;26;10 – 00;02;48;20

Dr. Mona

It’s honest, but it’s also hopeful. I’m sharing how anger showed up in my life, what it was covering up, and the tools that helped me change things for good. And if you’ve ever thought, why do I react so fast? Or why do I feel guilty after I snap? This one is for you. The first real step in handling anger is admitting you have anger, and then letting go of the shame around it.

 

00;02;48;23 – 00;03;09;11

Dr. Mona

Anger itself isn’t bad. Anger is protective. It can help you speak up. It can show you when something matters. It can even help you hold a boundary. The problem isn’t anger. The problem is unchecked anger or anger that becomes your only outlet. And for me, the moment I realized something needed to change didn’t happen in a therapist’s office.

 

00;03;09;13 – 00;03;28;22

Dr. Mona

It happened in my own life. When we had our puppy Shiloh, back in 2017, when my husband and I moved to Florida, we were both working long, draining jobs in health care. We were exhausted. We got a puppy because we’d always wanted one. How hard can it be to train a puppy? Well, I would come home to pee and poop everywhere.

 

00;03;28;24 – 00;03;53;02

Dr. Mona

I had no shoes left. I snapped, and one day I slapped him on the head. I was horrified at my actions. And to understand why that became my outlet. I think we need to take it back a little bit. I grew up in a home where my father slapped me across the face often corporal punishment was common. If you had big feelings or you were overwhelmed or you weren’t listening, you were hit.

 

00;03;53;04 – 00;04;16;12

Dr. Mona

That became the model. I learned yelling, hitting, slapping, using my body because I was the only outlet I saw. So decades later, stressed and stretched thin. I reacted the only way my nervous system had practiced. And that moment broke me open. I didn’t want to be this person. Not with a partner, not with a puppy, not with future children, and not for myself.

 

00;04;16;14 – 00;04;39;00

Dr. Mona

I told my husband what had happened, how I slapped our dog. He told me how my anger made him feel. And he cracked something open to me. I started to realize all the moments in my life, especially my adult life, where I let anger control the driver’s seat. And again, this anger came out in physical aggression, in frustration, in yelling all things that didn’t make myself feel good.

 

00;04;39;03 – 00;05;02;21

Dr. Mona

Nor the people around me. And it was so hard to realize that so many of my friends and past relationships didn’t feel comfortable bringing up the anger I held. So I took an event with my own dog and me talking to my husband to realize that I had a problem with managing my anger. So I started working with a life coach who is also a yoga instructor.

 

00;05;02;21 – 00;05;21;18

Dr. Mona

And if you’re not familiar with a life coach, they have no educational background in psychology, but show life advice. All I know, Robbins or Sherri, I know some of you may be rolling your eyes, but she did actually help me a lot. Those sessions helped me see what was underneath my anger. Pressure to perform, fear of failure, feeling unheard or feeling out of control.

 

00;05;21;21 – 00;05;44;06

Dr. Mona

Not having any healthy outlet for big emotions. Old patterns I never questioned. And for a while things improved. I wanted to do this first before having kids because I did not want to repeat the cycle. But then trauma hit and that trauma opened up the wounds that I had never really healed. The anger came back. And in reality, it just never left.

 

00;05;44;08 – 00;06;12;01

Dr. Mona

A trauma, new motherhood, the pandemic, the mental load. And my anger resurfaced. And it didn’t show up out of nowhere. It had a reasons. I felt powerless. I felt unseen. I felt overwhelmed. I felt blocked from things that mattered. I felt scared. I felt ashamed. I was stretched too thin for too long. My anger showed up as stabbing, irritability, yelling, frustration, a short fuze, feeling out of control, feeling like everything was on me.

 

00;06;12;03 – 00;06;40;13

Dr. Mona

Shame. Afterward, resentment, and a body that stayed tense from morning until night. And here’s something I’m actually very proud of. I never hit my kids not because I’m perfect, but because even before the deeper healing, the work I had already done gave me space. That space created a pause between the surge and the reaction. But even with that progress, I still didn’t feel at peace or finally shifted things for me was eMDR therapy, which I started in 2023.

 

00;06;40;13 – 00;06;59;01

Dr. Mona

And I want to say this part clearly. It took me a long time to get to therapy consistently, because I didn’t have silly child care or a routine that let me come in. I had a lot of missed sessions, reschedule sessions, and stop and start progress. And I share that because therapy is healing, but it’s not always easy to access.

 

00;06;59;04 – 00;07;22;24

Dr. Mona

I know what that juggle feels like. But if you’re listening and you know you need support, I hope this is your reminder that prioritizing it can change your life and help me access things. I had been carrying since childhood. Things like perfectionism, feeling unheard, conditional love, pressure to perform. Not having a safe outlet for big feelings. Growing up with strength but not safety.

 

00;07;22;26 – 00;07;43;05

Dr. Mona

And for me, my anger was rooted in a lot of those old wounds and old patterns. EMDR gave me a way to open those doors so I could finally process what I had pushed away for years. And remember, eMDR is not the only way to heal anger. There are many types of therapy that help people understand their emotions, their patterns, and their nervous system.

 

00;07;43;07 – 00;08;07;10

Dr. Mona

A licensed therapist is the best person to help you figure out what approach fits your history and your needs. For me, eMDR made sense because so much of my anger was tied to unhealed trauma. It helped me move those memories from active alarms and triggers to close tabs, so my reactions weren’t running my life anymore. I remember my very first session with my current therapist.

 

00;08;07;11 – 00;08;28;25

Dr. Mona

She asked me, what is your goal here? And through tears I said, I don’t want to be tense all the time. I want to be comfortable in my own brain. And two years later, we’re there. The tension is not my baseline anymore. And the work continues. Because healing isn’t something you check off a list. It’s something you keep tending to, just like exercising.

 

00;08;28;28 – 00;08;48;04

Dr. Mona

That’s why I always preach. Just like our kids grow. We should want to grow with them. Because anger might help you survive or make you think that it’s helping you survive. But it does not help you feel good. And I wanted peace around this time of healing. I heard a quote that hit me in my chest. Scary parents are scared parents.

 

00;08;48;07 – 00;09;08;25

Dr. Mona

And the more I interact with fellow parents and guide them through parenting moments, the truer it feels. A parent who yells. A parent who snaps, a parent who intimidates. A parent who reacts with force. That parent isn’t powerful in that moment. They’re scared. Scared of losing control. Scared of being embarrassed. Scared of repeating the past. Scared of not being enough.

 

00;09;08;29 – 00;09;32;21

Dr. Mona

Scared of the pressure that never seems to ease up. Scared of the invisible load they’re carrying alone. That was my dad. And if I’m honest, that was me too. Once I understood that fear drives so much of our anger, I could finally get curious instead of ashamed. So if you’re angry and feel like that’s a common feeling inside you, start by asking yourself, what am I scared of right now?

 

00;09;32;28 – 00;09;53;29

Dr. Mona

Where is this fear coming from? Am I scared I’m losing control? Am I scared I’m failing? Am I scared of not being heard? Am I scared everything is on me. Am I scared? I’ll repeat what I saw when I began asking myself these questions. The anger finally made sense. Because the anger may have been the fire, but the fear and uncertainty was the cause.

 

00;09;54;01 – 00;10;14;26

Dr. Mona

Anger is a fight or flight response. Your brain thinks something is threatening you. Your amygdala has the alarm. Your heart rate space, your muscles tense, your voice rises, your thinking brain goes offline. This is why you can be a kind, loving person like I am and still snap in one second. It’s not character, it’s physiology. The goal isn’t to never get triggered.

 

00;10;14;26 – 00;10;37;11

Dr. Mona

The goal is to calm your system fast enough to choose a different response. Anger is the tip of the iceberg. Underneath, you’ll often find something softer. Fear. Hurt. Shame. Exhaustion. Loneliness. Overwhelm. The louder the anger, the deeper the feeling underneath. And we all have a window where we function well. Sleep. Having support, rest and safety. Widen that window.

 

00;10;37;17 – 00;10;59;06

Dr. Mona

Stress. Burnout. Trauma and unmet needs. Shrink it when your window is tiny. Anything can set you off, especially when you don’t have the right coping skills because you were never taught those coping skills. Therapy helped me widen that window again. And the most beautiful part of this journey is being a parent while simultaneously working on something that hasn’t served me.

 

00;10;59;09 – 00;11;23;02

Dr. Mona

I see a lot of my old intensity in my son. He’s big in every way. Big joy, big laughter. Big play, but also big anger. And here’s the part that gets me emotional when he’s melting down. And I’m able to stay soft when he’s screaming, and I’m able to hug him through it. When I can see the scared little feeling underneath his big one.

 

00;11;23;05 – 00;11;41;17

Dr. Mona

Those are the moments where I feel the cycle break and it’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. There are days when I react faster than I want to, but every moment I teach him about his feelings and every moment I show him my calm. I’m growing too. I’m learning right alongside with him. And in the moments where anger does find its way through.

 

00;11;41;21 – 00;12;05;06

Dr. Mona

Maybe in the form of a raised voice, I always repair. I repair so he learns what we do with our big feelings and the actions we may not have intended. I wanted to do this work for him, but I also wanted to do it for me. Because constant tension is exhausting, and living without it feels like breathing again.

 

00;12;05;08 – 00;12;14;04

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors, whose support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;12;14;06 – 00;12;35;17

Dr. Mona

Here are questions that help you understand your own anger. What sits under my anger right now? Fear. Sadness. Shame. Fatigue. Is this reaction about this moment or something older? Or where this anger land in my body first? Chest. Jaw. Stomach. Hands. What story am I telling myself? No one helps me. I’m alone. I’m feeling what do I need right now?

 

00;12;35;20 – 00;13;01;19

Dr. Mona

Space. Support. Rest. Food. Connection. It’s so important to get reflective because everyone’s anger has a different reason. This episode is really important for me to do because I talk so much about parenting. But if we’re not talking about ourselves and how we can make a better version of ourselves, we can’t do any of that parenting guidance. So here are some tools I still use when I find myself feeling that anger.

 

00;13;01;21 – 00;13;27;29

Dr. Mona

I say it out loud. I’m feeling frustrated naming it lowers the charge. Step away when you can. A pause is powerful. Lower your voice, your body. Read softness as safety. Change your posture. Sit down. Drop your shoulders. Have a short grounding line. Slow is safe. I can give this a moment. This isn’t about the toy. This isn’t about my child.

 

00;13;28;02 – 00;13;47;12

Dr. Mona

Put something calls on your palms or splash water on your face. It interrupts the rush in your body and brings you back into yourself. Or do what I do when I’m feeling overwhelmed and I’m starting to go into that anger mindset. Blow some bubbles. I know it sounds wild, but it can really help regulate your breathing. And who doesn’t love looking at bubbles?

 

00;13;47;13 – 00;14;12;19

Dr. Mona

Shake your hands out for a second. It sounds silly, but it releases tension fast. Or you can tap on your shoulders. Butterfly taps. This can help regulate yourself so that you do not get to that point of dysregulation and anger. If you can look at one still object in the room a doorframe, a plant, a spot on the wall, it gives your brain a single point of focus when everything feels chaotic.

 

00;14;12;22 – 00;14;35;03

Dr. Mona

Move your jaw. Most of us hold anger there, or frustration or tension without realizing it. And I want to move now to how we can utilize all this to teach our kids about anger. Because I do not get that teaching as a child, when I got angry, I got corporal punishment. And maybe when you got angry, you got sent to your room, or you got corporal punishment as well.

 

00;14;35;06 – 00;14;56;10

Dr. Mona

That doesn’t help us channel our anger to a healthier coping skill that doesn’t help us name the feeling, because in order to tame it, we have to name it. And if you struggle with anger, one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself is recognizing it. That alone is powerful, because once you can say, this is something I want to change, you’ve already started breaking the cycle.

 

00;14;56;12 – 00;15;19;22

Dr. Mona

And before we even talk about parenting, I want to say this. You cannot grow if you’re beating yourself up. Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook. It’s giving yourself enough safety, to be honest. It’s saying I didn’t learn the skills I needed, but I’m willing to learn them now. When we stop judging our past selves, we make space for a different future, and then we get to raise our kids with the things we deserved, too.

 

00;15;19;29 – 00;15;42;15

Dr. Mona

And one more thing I want us to teach our kids because it’s huge. We normalize feelings, but we don’t okay behaviors. Anger is okay. Feeling upset is okay. Feeling explosive inside is okay. All of that is part of being human. What isn’t okay is hurting someone. Hating. Yelling at people. Throwing things. Destroying something. Slamming doors. When kids learn that feelings are allowed.

 

00;15;42;17 – 00;16;02;18

Dr. Mona

But certain actions are not. They don’t grow up scared of their anger. They learn to manage it. And that becomes the foundation of emotional control. I tell my kids things like, it’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hit. Let’s figure out what your body needs or your anger makes sense. Your behavior needs help. That distinction matters.

 

00;16;02;21 – 00;16;20;15

Dr. Mona

When my son throws a toy out of anger, I remind him that it’s okay to be upset. But we’re not throwing a toy. And if he throws it again, I’m taking it away. And when I take that toy away because he throws it again, I see him collapse onto the floor. I see that anger needing an outlet, and I hold him in my arms.

 

00;16;20;20 – 00;16;42;23

Dr. Mona

I give him a hug and I let him have that release. And then the teaching comes when he’s calm. How did you feel in that moment? Why were you frustrated? What can we do instead? And through age and through our teaching, they can learn how to channel that anger into healthier coping skills. Because at the end of the day, when kids aren’t shamed for feeling angry, they don’t hide it.

 

00;16;42;24 – 00;17;03;08

Dr. Mona

They don’t fear it. They learn to cope with it. This is where name it to team. It comes in. When we help kids name the feeling, it calms the emotional part of the brain. It gives their nervous system language. It turns a giant, scary inner wave into something they can understand and work with. Naming the feeling helps them tame the reaction, and that’s the skill they carry into adulthood.

 

00;17;03;11 – 00;17;21;19

Dr. Mona

But they need our guidance. And here’s how we teach this in real life. Five simple things. You can start right away. One. Name the feeling for them. Kids don’t have the language yet, so we lend ours. You’re angry. You’re frustrated because the powerful naming the feeling takes the fear out of it. It tells their brain you’re not alone in this.

 

00;17;21;21 – 00;17;45;22

Dr. Mona

Your caregiver sees this and understands to stay calm even when they can’t. Not because you’re perfect. Because I know I’m not, but because their nervous system takes cues from yours. Your steady tone becomes their anchor. Three. Show them what to do with the feeling. A simple breath. Stomping feet on the floor. Pushing hands together. Squeezing a pillow. Kids need actions, not lectures.

 

00;17;45;22 – 00;18;13;04

Dr. Mona

Especially in times of dysregulation. Four normalize breaks. Teach them early that taking a break is not punishment. It’s a reset. It’s okay to step away until your body feels calmer. This spills lifelong emotional control. Five repair. Every time when you yell, own it. When they yell. Guide them. Let’s fix this together. Repair teaches kids what we do. After a big feeling, and that’s the skill that truly sticks.

 

00;18;13;07 – 00;18;45;14

Dr. Mona

As I mentioned, I am a recovering anger management woman and I slip many times, but definitely less times than I used to. And that is progress. The other day I yelled and I have yelled, and I’ve made this very clear on my channels that I sometimes yell, especially when I’m overstimulated and overwhelmed. There was a moment where my son was trying to show me how to do something, and he was upset that he wasn’t able to show me because I was doing it for him, and he yelled at me and he got really upset and I didn’t yell back.

 

00;18;45;17 – 00;19;08;06

Dr. Mona

Afterwards, he apologized for yelling at me, and I thought to myself, the only reason he learned to apologize when he yelled was because he’s seen me do it a lot of times, and I share the story because you’re not going to be perfect. You are going to have moments that you yell, because if you are a recovering anger management person, maybe that’s how your anger manifests.

 

00;19;08;09 – 00;19;31;05

Dr. Mona

But it’s really important to do the double work one to repair, but it’s also important to understand if anger is your default and what is it that you need so that anger is the exception and not the rule? Because repair is only one part of the equation. The other part is to reduce the chances that that behavior from you is happening more and more.

 

00;19;31;06 – 00;19;48;02

Dr. Mona

And here’s my guidance both as a pediatrician who wants parents to be the best version of themselves for their children, but also as someone who has seen a therapist. If your anger is coming up more than you want, if it feels bigger than the moment, if it’s scaring you or scaring your kids, if it’s tied to old wounds you haven’t healed.

 

00;19;48;04 – 00;20;11;03

Dr. Mona

This isn’t failure. That’s your body and your mind saying, I can’t carry this alone anymore. Getting help isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom. It’s strength. It’s the moment you decide to stop surviving and start living. It’s choosing the version of yourself you want to hand down to your kids and support doesn’t make you less strong. Support helps you become the person you were always meant to be.

 

00;20;11;06 – 00;20;30;03

Dr. Mona

Maybe this becomes a new year goal for you, or maybe you’re listening in the middle of the year. Either way, don’t wait. If you have the means, dive deeper into the roots of your anger so you can get the tools you deserve. And remember this so much of what you’re teaching your child, okay. The feeling creating healthy boundaries using coping tools.

 

00;20;30;05 – 00;20;53;05

Dr. Mona

Those are things many of us never got. If you didn’t grow up with those skills, you deserve them too. Your anger deserves compassion and not shame. Learning this as an adult can feel harder, because learning this as an adult can feel harder because you’re unlearning a lifetime of patterns or maybe you’re parenting differently and you feel a sense of grief thinking, why did I get this?

 

00;20;53;07 – 00;21;11;22

Dr. Mona

But remember, change is possible. You can do this work. And the more you learn to handle your own feelings, the more you give your child something you never had. Which is the most beautiful thing I think you can do as a parent. Your anger does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a human carrying more than your system can hold alone.

 

00;21;11;24 – 00;21;40;17

Dr. Mona

You can break the cycle not by being perfect, but by noticing, pausing, repairing, and choosing something different. One moment at a time. Every time your brain sees how you reacted differently, maybe you didn’t yell. Maybe you didn’t throw something. Remember that moment. Tap it in. Remember that you are capable of change. Your past can explain your anger, but it does not get to decide your future.

 

00;21;40;20 – 00;22;00;11

Dr. Mona

If this episode speaks to you, make sure to subscribe and download. It helps the show grow and brings these conversations to more parents who need them. And if you share this episode or the social media post on Instagram and TikTok and YouTube connected to it, tag me so I can see what part hit home at PedsDocTalk or at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;22;00;13 – 00;22;19;28

Dr. Mona

I’ll be back with more guest episodes and solo episodes in 2026, so make sure you’re subscribed, whether it’s on YouTube or on this podcast, so you don’t miss any amazing conversations. This show continues to grow because of you and your downloads. Have a wonderful week and a wonderful holiday! If you’re listening when this goes live and I’ll catch you all next year.