In this Follow-Up episode, Dr. Mona revisits the conversation about the role culture plays in sleep practices for our kids. Joined by certified sleep consultant Diana Martins, the episode shows parents how to navigate cross-cultural and cross-generational expectations – like dark rooms, early bedtimes and crying it out – while staying true to their own parenting choices and maintaining boundaries with family.

We discuss:

– How to get your whole family aligned before starting a sleep plan

– The way to shift the mindset around crying

– The importance of parents learning to calm themselves during the sleep-training process

– Balancing structure with one-off cultural gatherings or light night family events by planning ahead

– Strategies for handling disagreements with grandparents or joint family members

– Acknowledging that previous generations parented differently and we have now learned new ways to help children thrive

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00;00;00;01 – 00;00;25;20

Dr. Mona

Hello and welcome back to the fall of. It’s Doctor Mona, and this is a series on the show where we revisit a past episode in less time than it takes you to explain to grandma why you’re sticking to a bedtime routine instead of letting the kid run the show. I’m rerunning this episode about cultural differences and sleep because I just got back from France and whenever I travel, I love observing how families do things differently.

00;00;25;23 – 00;00;42;17

Dr. Mona

I love talking to parents and asking questions about how they feed their kids, how they handle sleep, bedtime, all of it. And it got me thinking about this conversation because we can’t ignore the role culture plays in our parenting choices, especially around sleep. Maybe you want to do exactly what was done for you growing up. Maybe you don’t.

00;00;42;20 – 00;01;01;20

Dr. Mona

Maybe you’re trying to explain to your mom why you’re doing things differently than she did. Or maybe you’re sitting with a clinician who doesn’t fully understand why a certain sleep practice matters to your family. Cultural sensitivity and parenting matters. As long as a choice is safe and isn’t harming a child. There can be room for different ways of doing things.

00;01;01;23 – 00;01;21;25

Dr. Mona

Maybe your parents rocked you to sleep every night. Maybe everyone slept in the same room. Maybe nobody worried about wake windows or schedules. And now you’re deciding what you want to carry forward and what you want to do differently with your own child. And that can bring up a lot of feelings, because saying this is how we’re doing, it can easily be heard as the way you did it was wrong.

00;01;21;27 – 00;01;47;04

Dr. Mona

But those aren’t the same thing. Our parents made choices based on what they knew, what their culture valued, and what worked for their family. And we get to make those decisions for ourselves too. In this episode, I welcome Diana martins, a certified sleep consultant. We talk about understanding your why would sleep training, the cultural beliefs that shape how we think about sleep and crying, and how to communicate with grandparents when they don’t understand or agree with the choices you’re making.

00;01;47;07 – 00;02;09;14

Dr. Mona

Because sometimes you have the sleep plan figured out. It’s explaining it to grandma. That’s the hard part. Go download the full episode wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to share this on Social and tech. PedsDocTalk, the PedsDocTalk podcast and sleep goals underscore Diana. When you do.

00;02;09;17 – 00;02;16;27

Dr. Mona

So when approaching sleep with a newborn and beyond, what questions do you think parents should be asking themselves?

00;02;17;00 – 00;02;41;03

Diana Martins

So some questions. Is that they need to get clear on their why. They need to understand that sleep is a very holistic element. They need to understand also that it’s not just them that’s caring for the child. Everyone in the family, needs to be on board. I think that they should also weigh the pros and cons because again, it’s not an easy thing to do.

00;02;41;03 – 00;03;06;23

Diana Martins

If it was easy, everyone would do it right. You know what is really important to them in their parenting? Do they want to practice? I say New Age because the way my parents raised me was completely different, but, Very. Do you want to practice that positive parenting where you don’t do discipline, quote unquote, but you use other techniques to kind of get your child to understand and still correct behavior without, quote unquote, using formal discipline.

00;03;06;23 – 00;03;28;28

Diana Martins

Right. So just what kind of parent do you want to be? And if you are clear on your why and why it’s important to you, for example, if room sharing or bed sharing make it work for you, right? Like you can make it work because of this really, really, really important to you. If I give you this plan and it clashes with your lifestyle, then it’s not going to be sustainable.

00;03;28;28 – 00;03;40;12

Diana Martins

So I always kind of ask, you know, what’s your why? Why do you want to do this? How are you going to get support outside of when we’re done our ten days together or whatever? So yeah.

00;03;40;15 – 00;03;51;02

Dr. Mona

I mean, that’s so true. You know, going into this topic a little more now, what are some common cultural barriers that you see that can impact the way we look at sleep for our infants and kids?

00;03;51;04 – 00;04;09;28

Diana Martins

Yeah, yeah, that’s a good question. I actually polled some of my past clients on what they were told. Right. So, one thing was that, oh, the dark room. The dark room, the dark room is I get a lot of pushback on that because they feel like the dark room is scary. Then I’ve got to go and I’m like, are you afraid of the dark?

00;04;09;28 – 00;04;28;10

Diana Martins

Is there something actually scary in the dark. And then we’ve got to dive deeper on that right. Some people have been instilled from a young age that the dark is scary. Other things like why would you pay for this? Why can’t you just rock them like you’ve done for generations? We would never let you cry. You just slept when you were tired.

00;04;28;17 – 00;04;54;09

Diana Martins

Those are the things that we hear, or my clients hear from their own times. Even to this day. Doctor Mona, when my dad shows up at my house at like 738 and he’s like, all the kids are in bed already. It’s like, yeah, yeah. So, it’s just things like that. I always kind of ask them, you know, if you feel like the crying is going to be hard.

00;04;54;09 – 00;04;59;17

Diana Martins

Okay, let’s think about this. What are your beliefs around crying?

00;04;59;20 – 00;05;00;02

Dr. Mona

Yep.

00;05;00;10 – 00;05;14;23

Diana Martins

Is it letting them just cried out or is it giving them an opportunity. Yes to themselves. Right. So that is an important question. Like what do you think. Just give me your straight up. Because if they can be honest with me then I can kind of help them through that.

00;05;14;24 – 00;05;32;20

Dr. Mona

Oh this is all such good stuff. I mean I don’t even know where to begin in terms of unpacking this, but you mentioned with your dad coming over and, you know, the kids being in bed early. So how do we navigate cultural or family traditions and sleep schedule? So for example, like staying up late for a special occasion, I’m sure obviously we all want to do that.

00;05;32;20 – 00;05;34;18

Dr. Mona

What would be your advice to families.

00;05;34;21 – 00;06;04;01

Diana Martins

Yeah. So some cultures have evening rituals. So can we plan for this. Can we just think about our child’s sleep where we could possibly allow for like a later nap or slightly later bedtime? You know, one time I saw a post actually on Instagram in a church in the States. Actually, they created like a nap time room and they had like five slumber pods lined up so that parents could still attend the service even though it was usually through, a child’s nap time.

00;06;04;04 – 00;06;21;27

Diana Martins

So if we can just have, a conversation or think about it, I think that way you’re still able to really support your child and not feel like like, oh my God. Like I’m not providing the basic need of sleep, but I’ve got this Diwali party to go to, right? You’re not. You torn. Especially when you can just do it for one night.

00;06;22;00 – 00;06;30;00

Diana Martins

You know, it’s not going to undo all the hard work or make that big of a difference or something like that. Just plan for it.

00;06;30;03 – 00;06;47;04

Dr. Mona

Now, this is so important. I think it is really important to balance schedules with those one offs that are going to happen, or two offs, you know, it’s okay to kind of break the rules and prepare for it too. And every family is going to do things a little bit differently, like some families will just break the schedule and deal with it later.

00;06;47;08 – 00;07;01;08

Dr. Mona

Other families will want to prepare for it a little bit more. So finding out what works best for you and your family, but being allowed and okay to enjoy these events if it’s something that you want to do, is totally okay. And sometimes you just need that guidance. Like Diana says.

00;07;01;10 – 00;07;02;10

Diana Martins

Absolutely.

00;07;02;13 – 00;07;23;14

Dr. Mona

I’m happy you’re discussing the cry angle, because that is something that I see in so many different families. And again, it’s not even just certain cultures. It’s a lot of people have been instilled that crying is always bad, crying is bad. And we’re again, there’s so many different methods to teach children how to sleep. But when we talk about crying that opportunity comment is so right on.

00;07;23;14 – 00;07;42;05

Dr. Mona

Like, you know, we’re talking about just taking a moment to see what they do. Sometimes that means that they’re going to see some crying and then they go to sleep. And it’s not neglect, it’s not abandonment. It’s just let’s give them an opportunity. And if they need us, we’re going to go in. We’re going to do our method that we normally do, whether that’s, you know, padding whatever method that the family decides on.

00;07;42;08 – 00;08;04;27

Diana Martins

Not only are you giving a child an opportunity, but the parents need the opportunity to learn what that cry means, because right now, when a parent is so sleep deprived and they’re so tired, they can’t really emotionally regulate either. Yeah. So we do talk about, okay, what is your strategy? What are you going to do to calm yourself down?

00;08;05;03 – 00;08;30;10

Diana Martins

Right. You know, take water with you. Do you have like little meditation beats, like what do you do as an adult to calm yourself down? Because I need you to use that skill and be able to self-regulate in that moment, so you can stay calm for your child so that they can self-regulate. Right? So yeah, sometimes they truthfully tell me, I don’t know how I calm myself down.

00;08;30;10 – 00;08;36;21

Diana Martins

I’m like, let’s talk. So it’s more than just about the child at this point. It’s really about the parents.

00;08;36;23 – 00;08;48;17

Dr. Mona

Oh, absolutely. And I think parents really need to know their options and understand that what they’re doing is not bad. What they’re doing is not going to harm their child. And I think that’s where a lot of your role in education comes in so beautifully.

00;08;48;19 – 00;09;10;08

Diana Martins

My job is to help the parents help their child. So I’m totally focused on the parents. Like the baby is their responsibility. They know what the cries mean. Sometimes I get them to send me videos if they’re unsure because you know, they don’t have the experience, that kind of stuff. But, it’s totally work on the parents so that they can support their own child during this new skill that they’re learning.

00;09;10;08 – 00;09;10;28

Diana Martins

That’s up.

00;09;11;00 – 00;09;35;16

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And so I’m sure this has happened for you. And I would love to kind of know what you did and maybe how you guide clients to. So you have a father who, you know, has his own views and maybe your mother or whoever comes into your home. And just so you have a choice on how you approach sleep with your child, how do you communicate cross-culturally, cross-generational, your choices with your parents, if they disagree?

00;09;35;16 – 00;09;41;23

Dr. Mona

And also, how do you do you ever find yourself having to guide the parents of, you know, your clients on how to navigate that?

00;09;41;26 – 00;09;59;14

Diana Martins

I always say, let’s have a family meeting, because this is the first time you guys are going to actually really advocate for your own self to parent, especially when they’re living with a joint family. So living with a joint family, everyone needs to understand that this is what’s going to happen, and this is what it can sound like.

00;09;59;14 – 00;10;24;07

Diana Martins

I feel like once parents are prepared and they have certain words or verbiage to use and like, this is what we need, we feel this is best like using the statements, communicating very clearly as to why the last thing you want to do is throw signs at somebody. But like, well, the research shows like that’s not right. You definitely want to have that family meeting and understand what’s going to happen.

00;10;24;07 – 00;10;36;09

Diana Martins

How long is it going to take? Give people like facts. I usually try to do worst case scenarios, at least that way people can mentally prepare and then it’s so much better, so much better than what they expected.

00;10;36;11 – 00;10;51;14

Dr. Mona

Yeah, them being like blindsided and being like, well, this is what we’re going to do. Yeah. And it’s so true though like and also like sometimes I find like just saying, you know, I know this can be hard. Like just say a family’s doing, like a crying method. Okay. And that’s something that culturally is like, what are you doing?

00;10;51;17 – 00;11;05;02

Dr. Mona

Just saying. Hey, look, like, I know this can be really hard to hear. We have a plan. Like, if, you know there is crying for x amount of time, we will be checking in and you can come in with me, like, having them, like, notice what happens. And then many times the baby will go to sleep and they’ll be like, oh.

00;11;05;07 – 00;11;10;06

Dr. Mona

And then they the baby wakes up and you’re like, oh no, it’s like nothing ever happened. Because it’s fine for that baby.

00;11;10;06 – 00;11;33;01

Diana Martins

We all come from different backgrounds. We’ve all had different experiences, but this is something I still tell my dad to the day is that, you know, our ancestors survived where we came from, where my family came from. It was just survival mode. So they survived so that, you know, we could thrive. And that so our children can strive, we have to do things differently.

00;11;33;01 – 00;11;50;10

Diana Martins

If I kept doing things the same way, we would get nowhere. It’s actually necessary to grow as a person. So that way you can propel your child in a different direction.

00;11;50;12 – 00;12;11;23

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

00;12;12;00 – 00;12;27;13

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support and remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.