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How do we raise expressive children with a voice while still holding firm and loving boundaries? Dr. Mona and Dr. Siggie Cohen explore the balance in this Follow-Up episode. They break down common parenting traps (over-explaining, negotiating, and over-praising) and share how to build internal validation and true connection with your child.

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00;00;00;01 – 00;00;03;17

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the Follow Up.

00;00;03;19 – 00;00;30;10

Dr. Mona

It’s doctor Mona. This is a series on the PedsDocTalk podcast, where we revisit a past episode in less time than it takes you to wonder why that validation that you’re doing is not working. But hold the phone. Did you know that this Show PedsDocTalk podcast is nominated for a Signal Award for Best Show in Family and Child raising, and this one is listener voted, which means I really need you right now.

00;00;30;12 – 00;00;50;18

Dr. Mona

If this podcast has ever taught you something, made you feel less alone, or giving you something useful to take into your parenting, I would love your vote. Go to vote dot signal award.com. Search PedsDocTalk in the family and child raising category and vote. It takes less than three minutes and you can also use the link in our caption in show notes.

00;00;50;21 – 00;01;14;08

Dr. Mona

Okay, but back to the topic of discussion today, because I think so many of us are trying to raise kids who have a voice, we want them to tell us how they feel. We want to validate, but we also want them to listen to important boundaries. And that balance is what this episode is about. On this episode, I welcome back Doctor Siggy Cohen, a child developmental specialist with over 35 years of experience working with children and families.

00;01;14;10 – 00;01;34;19

Dr. Mona

You may know her as Doctor Siggy on social media and her new book is out now. You are the parent move from over parenting to balanced parenting and become the leader your child needs, which could not fit the conversation better. We talk about how to validate our child’s feelings while still holding a boundary or being firm. Does it make you mean and why?

00;01;34;20 – 00;01;56;00

Dr. Mona

Sometimes you spend way too much energy over explaining and negotiating when our kids just need better communication. We also get into praise and how to build that internal validation. And there’s a piece for us in here too, because our kids emotions can trigger our own. And being the calm, firm parent we want to means understanding what’s happening inside of us too.

00;01;56;03 – 00;02;18;07

Dr. Mona

This episode is really about raising kids who feel heard and understood, while still knowing that sometimes the answer is no. And make sure you download the full episode in our show notes. Download all the episodes and please make sure you tag Doctor Siggy, Pedes Doc Talk, and the Stock Talk podcast when you share. Let’s get into this important follow up.

00;02;18;09 – 00;02;28;28

Dr. Mona

We obviously want to teach our children that they’re powerful, that they, you know, have a voice, opinion, but also how they can respect the boundaries that are put upon them. So how can we do this as parents?

00;02;29;04 – 00;02;55;01

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Absolutely. So I think that parents and children both often confuse emotions and actions. So a child presents an emotion I want or I don’t want right right away or whatever it is. And now a parent goes in to explaining to them why they can not want, or why they should actually do what they’re supposed to do, even if they don’t want to.

00;02;55;02 – 00;03;20;10

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So we’re back to rationalizing, but we just missed out on that emotion. It’s like I didn’t actually say anything about the emotion. I think that often parents once again think that if they will rationalize, if they will give the child them good reason why they can’t or why they should or shouldn’t, the child is going to go, oh, okay.

00;03;20;12 – 00;03;55;21

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Which often doesn’t actually happen. So what needs to happen is once again, you recognize, you validate the emotions, and then you set boundaries. You can explain I’m not telling parents don’t explain. This is not oh, because I said so. But you know what? Sometimes it is. Yeah, because I say so. And I am being kind and respectful because what I did is I understand you really, really don’t want to, but yeah, this is what we need to do right now and notice that my intonation changes a couple of times here.

00;03;55;22 – 00;04;15;21

Dr. Siggie Cohen

I don’t just say, I understand you don’t want to, but this is why. And here is one. And I told you, I’m not just going into this mode of lecturing that sound or the saying I am responsive. First and foremost with empathy and compassion. I know you want to or don’t want to. Yeah, but this is what we need to.

00;04;15;23 – 00;04;36;21

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Now I’m presenting what actually the reality is. And then I see and I can see it’s very hard. I know that you sometimes have a hard time doing this, but yeah, this is what we need to do. And right now. So I can even be firm. But I’m not unkind. I’m not just respectful and I’m not losing it.

00;04;36;21 – 00;04;52;27

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Right. I’m not going into this mode of but I tell you and why. And you know, I’m not now trying to argue and fight my child. I am saying the mentor and the guide and the authority still with kindness and respect.

00;04;52;29 – 00;05;11;04

Dr. Mona

And I think there is a misconception that if we are firm with our boundaries and you just said it perfectly, you said it very matter of fact, but still understanding that it’s a normal thing to feel these ways. Right? I think there’s a misconception that when we set boundaries that we’re being too firm, the child is not going to listen or that they’ll think we’re mean or, you know, whatever.

00;05;11;04 – 00;05;27;01

Dr. Mona

But me and you have talked so much about child development and behavior, children need us to be that boundary, that loving boundaries. What I kind of call it, meaning it’s coming from a place of love, obviously, but we are being really consistent. And, you know, matter of fact, like this is what we need to do and this is what’s happening.

00;05;27;03 – 00;05;35;04

Dr. Mona

And your children may descend, you know, they may get upset, but that being upset is not always a bad thing when we’re being firm with these loving boundaries.

00;05;35;06 – 00;06;00;11

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Absolutely. And I think because we have allowed, which is a great thing, we have allowed our children to be extremely verbal and expressive. We want to hear their opinions. And so they do tell us their opinions, your mean. And yes, they do think that and even say that. But then a parent like, oh, wait a minute, I don’t mean to be mean by saying no, no, you don’t mean to be.

00;06;00;11 – 00;06;22;16

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Of course you’re not even mean. Saying no is not actually a mean thing. Saying no is care safety advocacy, love yes. Saying no often is the exact right thing for you to be a good parent. So you want to tell your child, no sweetie, I am so not mean, but I understand you don’t like when I say no.

00;06;22;19 – 00;06;54;20

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And you also think that my intonation sounds mean because I’m being what firm serious I am. I am being serious right now, so being serious and firm is not mean. But children will definitely use that to sort of like poke a hole in that authority that a parent tries to present. And I tell parents, it’s okay for you to stand behind what you say because remember, you do no better than your child.

00;06;54;20 – 00;07;04;18

Dr. Siggie Cohen

You really are there for the safety and the care and then love, even when and if they don’t understand it, it’s okay.

00;07;04;20 – 00;07;28;17

Dr. Mona

And you know, we’re talking about validation. You know, making our kids understand that their emotions are valid, their choices are valid, but also creating the boundaries. Do you see a common mistake we make when we do praising? Like, I know we’re talking about validation, but also praising goes hand in hand. That maybe we make a mistake with how we praise or what we’re praising that can make them not be good listeners, or maybe end up being like a detriment to their self-esteem.

00;07;28;17 – 00;07;30;25

Dr. Mona

Anything you see with praising.

00;07;30;27 – 00;07;58;11

Dr. Siggie Cohen

We probably take praising to a whole other level of everything is amazing and wonderful and great and wow. And I think that it’s okay to recognize when a child does something right, but don’t take it constantly out of context, as if really that is the outmost that they can do. Because you’re right. Then they begin to think that the smallest thing they do is really the end of it all.

00;07;58;11 – 00;08;20;27

Dr. Siggie Cohen

It’s kind of like, oh, look at me. I don’t really have to put any effort or determination into something. So I think that praising can be, toned down a little bit. It’s like you can definitely say, oh, wow, look at that. I love what you just did. Be very clear and precise in the moment. Not like, oh my God, this is amazing.

00;08;20;27 – 00;08;48;27

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Wow. Look at you. This is great. You are the best. Sometimes we have to, you know, be careful with that. It’s not necessary. And the other thing is, ask your child what they think about what they just did. Because what we want to build is internal validation. So they’re not constantly depending on external validation. Right. It’s eventually that voice that your child walks away with from you.

00;08;48;27 – 00;09;11;26

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And they can use it internally rather than always look around and ask, wait, who’s going to tell me? Or wow me? Or, you know that I’m great? Oh, I can tell myself this is okay, or however it is that I want to say, you know, I did good or I can do better, or I’m trying really hard or yes, I think that I need to practice and so on.

00;09;11;28 – 00;09;30;29

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So use that. It’s like, look at you. You’re trying really hard. I can see that. Yeah. You continue to practice good job. Yes. Keep on practicing and so on. So sometimes it’s even just the coaching in the moment that we do rather than tell them you did good done deal. This is it.

00;09;31;02 – 00;09;47;01

Dr. Mona

And do you think, you know talking about internal validation and external validation. Do you think internal validation makes them want to listen to you more? And how so? Like, you know, in terms of understanding child development, how would a child who feels internally validated want to listen to their caretaker more?

00;09;47;03 – 00;10;17;22

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Because I think that builds a connection. When you understand me, when you get me, it’s the greatest feeling. Sometimes better than even just love, right? It’s like, wow, you really do get me when you get me. This is the ultimate connection between people. That’s when I want to be with you or do or collaborate and clap. Wait, it’s not that I’m just complying with you all the time and follow you verbatim.

00;10;17;24 – 00;10;26;25

Dr. Siggie Cohen

It’s that I actually want to. Because I trust you. Because you get me. It’s a full dynamic between you and your child.

00;10;26;28 – 00;10;44;04

Dr. Mona

And that is why this episode was so important, because I think people think that, you know, in order for our children to listen, we have to be this authoritarian. You do what I say. Da da da da da. I’m the boss. But there is like we talked about, that way of creating those loving boundaries where I’m the rule maker.

00;10;44;04 – 00;11;04;08

Dr. Mona

But I want you to feel like this is why we have these rules, but also that you have a purpose and that you’re validated internally of why these choices may be right. You know why this is important for our family or whatever it may be. And that question was, I think, the take home of this all. Is there anything else you want to add, you know, mistakes that you think parents make or anything in regards to this?

00;11;04;10 – 00;11;12;15

Dr. Mona

How we can allow our children to listen? I think that’s the biggest thing that parents lament about. You know, my child doesn’t listen to me. They don’t listen.

00;11;12;17 – 00;11;12;20

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Well.

00;11;12;21 – 00;11;15;23

Dr. Mona

What to say when a parent says that to you? They’re not listening.

00;11;15;29 – 00;11;54;03

Dr. Siggie Cohen

It’s true. So I think that there is a very quick frustration and disappointment that happens when appearances. My child doesn’t listen to me because they have asked them to do something, and they didn’t do it right then and there, and then they go into that if you don’t do it or the yelling or again, the rhetorical, why don’t you ever listen and why do you always and so on, so much, energy is wasted as opposed to just, yes, knowing that you’re going to ask your child, you’re going to, then step towards them because, you see, if I ask a child, don’t do that.

00;11;54;05 – 00;12;15;13

Dr. Siggie Cohen

I know that they’re not like little sod. You’re going to. Okay, sometimes, but often not. Right. So I’m saying to myself, I’m going to tell the child, yeah, please don’t do that. Or, we can do this right now or. No, don’t go there or we have to turn it off and so on. And I know that they’re not going to do it right then and there.

00;12;15;16 – 00;12;42;25

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So my second term will already be close proximity I know get up. There’s no remote control parenting. But when I talk about parents disappointment it’s like I ask them and instantly I’m disappointed that it doesn’t happen. So I said, parents, I know, I’m sorry, but you have to work a little harder because you already are working very hard, but you wasted so much energy on the wrong kind of hard work.

00;12;42;26 – 00;13;02;17

Dr. Siggie Cohen

I say work hard but get the right results. So please get up, stand next to your child and say, I can see very hard for you right now, but come on. Yeah, this is what we’re doing or this is what we’re not doing. So you’re right there. Your authority is not about, the rules, you know? Well, this is the rule.

00;13;02;17 – 00;13;21;05

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And, you know, you’re not following your authority authorities about teaching and training them to understand the bigger picture that they don’t understand. Right now. So for that, you have to enforce it constantly.

00;13;21;08 – 00;13;42;22

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

00;13;42;24 – 00;13;58;05

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.