00;00;08;25 – 00;00;31;28

Dr. Mona

Welcome to this episode. I am so excited to welcome back Doctor Siggie. She was on episode 77 with me where we talked about biting, hitting, and throwing. She is a developmental therapist who works with children and families on Instagram as Doctor Dot Siggie, and she’s here today to talk about how we can validate our kids, but also make them listen to what we want them to do.

 

00;00;32;02 – 00;00;34;25

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for coming back on the podcast, Doctor Siggie.

 

00;00;34;27 – 00;00;37;07

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Oh, thank you so much for having me.

 

00;00;37;10 – 00;00;44;06

Dr. Mona

So you do amazing work. Obviously with children and families. Why is this topic important to you?

 

00;00;44;08 – 00;01;18;01

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Oh, I am so passionate about children and their well-being. We often talk about I want my children to be happy. Everybody wants their kids to be happy. I want them to be functional. I want them to be responsive. I want them to be communicative. So I take it a little further than just happy. I see this truly as my calling to help children feel all that they’re feeling, but also function well within a family, and to help parents understand their children so they can guide and, navigate them as best as possible.

 

00;01;18;04 – 00;01;38;26

Dr. Mona

Well, you do a great job of this because on your social media platform, Doctor Siggie, you present information in such a lovable way, in ways that obviously promote the love for children and child development. And you also empower parents. So as a pediatrician and mom, I very much appreciate that you have gone on to social media to share your expertise because it’s so needed in this time.

 

00;01;39;05 – 00;01;48;02

Dr. Mona

You know, with all this information, all these different, you know, ways that we can parent our child. I love the voice that you have. And it’s so right on in terms of how I feel about child development, too.

 

00;01;48;05 – 00;01;49;29

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Thank you so much.

 

00;01;50;01 – 00;02;11;15

Dr. Mona

But this topic is so important to me too. You know, this balance of validating our kids, but also making them listen to what we have to say. So that fine line, that balance. So how can we do this? You know, we obviously want to teach our children that they’re powerful, that they, you know, have a voice, opinion, but also how they can respect the boundaries that are put upon them.

 

00;02;11;15 – 00;02;13;01

Dr. Mona

So how can we do this as parents?

 

00;02;13;06 – 00;02;39;03

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Absolutely. So I think that parents and children both often confuse emotions and actions. So a child presents an emotion. I want or I don’t want right right away or whatever it is. And now a parent goes in to explaining to them why they can not want or why they should actually do what they’re supposed to do, even if they don’t want to.

 

00;02;39;04 – 00;03;04;13

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So we’re back to rationalizing, but we just missed out on that emotion. It’s like I didn’t actually say anything about the emotion. I think that often parents once again think that if they will rationalize, if they will give the child the good reason why they can’t or why they should or shouldn’t, the child is going to go, oh, okay.

 

00;03;04;15 – 00;03;35;03

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Which often doesn’t actually happen. So what needs to happen is once again, you recognize, you validate the emotions, and then you set boundaries. You can explain I’m not telling parents don’t explain. This is not oh, because I said so. But you know what? Sometimes it is. Yeah, because they say so. And I am being kind and respectful because what I did is I understand you really, really don’t want to, but yeah, this is what we need to do right now.

 

00;03;35;06 – 00;03;57;15

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And notice that my intonation changes a couple of times here. I don’t just say, I understand you don’t want to, but this is why. And here is word and I told you, I’m not just going into this mode of lecturing. That sounds or the same. I am responsive first and foremost with empathy and compassion. I know you want to or don’t want to.

 

00;03;57;17 – 00;04;20;23

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Yeah, but this is what we need to. Now I’m presenting what actually the reality is. And then I see and I can see it’s very hard. I know that you sometimes have a hard time doing this, but yeah, this is what we need to do. And right now. So I can even be firm. But I’m not unkind. I’m not disrespectful, and I’m not losing it.

 

00;04;20;23 – 00;04;36;28

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Right? I’m not going into this mode of but I tell you and why. And you know, I’m not now trying to argue and fight my child. I am saying the mentor and the guide and the authority, still with kindness and respect.

 

00;04;37;01 – 00;04;55;05

Dr. Mona

And I think there is a misconception that if we are firm with our boundaries and you just said it perfectly, you said it very matter of fact, but still understanding that it’s a normal thing to feel these ways. Right? I think there’s a misconception that when we set boundaries that we’re being too firm. The child is not going to listen or that they’ll think we’re mean or, you know, whatever.

 

00;04;55;05 – 00;05;10;19

Dr. Mona

But me and you have talked so much about child development and behavior. Children need us to be that boundary, that loving boundaries. What I kind of call it, meaning it’s coming from a place of love, obviously, but we are being really consistent and, you know, matter of fact, like this is what we need to do and this is what’s happening.

 

00;05;11;06 – 00;05;19;06

Dr. Mona

And your children may descend, you know, they may get upset, but that being upset is not always a bad thing when we’re being firm with these loving boundaries.

 

00;05;19;09 – 00;05;44;11

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Absolutely. And I think because we have allowed, which is a great thing, we have allowed our children to be extremely verbal and expressive. We want to hear their opinions. And so they do tell us their opinions. Your mean. And yes, they do think that and even say that. But then a parent like, oh, wait a minute, I don’t mean to be mean by saying, no, no, you don’t mean to be.

 

00;05;44;11 – 00;06;06;20

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Of course you’re not even mean. Saying no is not actually a mean thing. Saying no is care, safety, advocacy, love yes. Saying no often is the exact right thing for you to be a good parent. So you want to tell your child, no sweetie, I am so not mean, but I understand you don’t like when I say no.

 

00;06;06;22 – 00;06;38;22

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And you also think that my intonation sounds mean because I’m being what firm serious I am. I am being serious right now. So being serious and firm is not mean. But children will definitely use that to sort of like poke a hole in that authority that a parent tries to present. And I tell parents, it’s okay for you to stand behind what you say, because remember, you do know better than your child.

 

00;06;38;22 – 00;06;48;18

Dr. Siggie Cohen

You really are there for the safety and the care and the love, even when and if they don’t understand it, it’s okay.

 

00;06;48;21 – 00;07;12;19

Dr. Mona

And you know, we’re talking about validation, you know, making our kids understand that their emotions are valid, their choices are valid, but also creating the boundaries. Do you see a common mistake we make when we do praising? Like, I know we’re talking about validation, but also praising goes hand in hand. That maybe we make a mistake with how we praise or what we’re praising that can make them not be good listeners, or maybe end up being like a detriment to their self-esteem.

 

00;07;12;19 – 00;07;14;27

Dr. Mona

Anything you see with praising.

 

00;07;15;00 – 00;07;42;14

Dr. Siggie Cohen

We probably take praising to a whole other level of everything is amazing and wonderful and great and wow. And I think that it’s okay to recognize when a child does something right, but don’t take it constantly out of context, as if really that is the outmost that they can do. Because you’re right. Then they begin to think that the smallest thing they do is really the end of it all.

 

00;07;42;14 – 00;08;04;29

Dr. Siggie Cohen

It’s kind of like, oh, look at me. I don’t really have to put any effort or determination into something. So I think that praising can be, toned down a little bit. It’s like you can definitely say, oh, wow, look at that. I love what you just did. Be very clear and precise in the moment. Not like oh my God, this is amazing.

 

00;08;04;29 – 00;08;32;28

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Wow. Look at you. This is great. You are the best. Sometimes we have to, You know, be careful with that. It’s not necessary. And the other thing is, ask your child what they think about what they just did. Because what we want to build is internal validation. So they’re not constantly depending on external validation. Right. It’s eventually that voice that your child walks away with from you.

 

00;08;32;28 – 00;08;54;26

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And they can use it internally rather than always look around and ask, wait, who’s going to tell me? Or wow me? Or, you know that I’m great? Oh, I can tell myself this is okay, or however it is that I want to say, you know, I did good or I can do better, or I’m trying really hard or yes, I think that I need to practice.

 

00;08;54;26 – 00;09;15;02

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And so on. So use that. It’s like, look at you. You’re trying really hard. I can see that. Yeah. You continue to practice. Good job. Yes. Keep on practicing. And so on. So sometimes it’s even just the coaching in the moment that we do rather than tell them you did good until this is it.

 

00;09;15;04 – 00;09;31;03

Dr. Mona

And do you think, you know talking about internal validation and external validation. Do you think internal validation makes them want to listen to you more? And how so? Like, you know, in terms of understanding child development, how would a child who feels internally validated want to listen to their caretaker more?

 

00;09;31;05 – 00;10;01;25

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Because I think that builds a connection. When you understand me, when you get me, it’s the greatest feeling. Sometimes better than even just love, right? It’s like, wow, you really do get to me when you get me. This is the ultimate connection between people. That’s when I want to be with you or do or collaborate and cooperate. It’s not that I’m just complying with you all the time and follow you verbatim.

 

00;10;01;27 – 00;10;10;28

Dr. Siggie Cohen

It’s that I actually want to. Because I trust you. Because you get me. It’s a full dynamic between you and your child.

 

00;10;11;00 – 00;10;28;06

Dr. Mona

And that is why this episode was so important, because I think people think that, you know, in order for our children to listen, we have to be this authoritarian. You do what I say. Da da da da da. I’m the boss. But there is like we talked about, that way of creating those loving boundaries where I’m the rule maker.

 

00;10;28;06 – 00;10;48;08

Dr. Mona

But I want you to feel like this is why we have these rules, but also that you have a purpose and that you’re validated internally of why these choices may be right. You know why this is important for our family or whatever it may be. And that question was, I think the take home of this all. Is there anything else you want to add, you know, mistakes that you think parents make or anything in regards to this?

 

00;10;48;11 – 00;10;56;16

Dr. Mona

How we can allow our children to listen? I think that’s the biggest thing that parents lament about. You know, my child doesn’t listen to me. They don’t listen.

 

00;10;56;18 – 00;10;56;21

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Well.

 

00;10;56;22 – 00;10;59;22

Dr. Mona

What to say when a parent says that to you, they’re not listening.

 

00;11;00;02 – 00;11;28;24

Dr. Siggie Cohen

It’s true. So I think that there is a very quick frustration and disappointment that happens when appearances. My child doesn’t listen to me because they’ve asked them to do something and they didn’t do it right. And in there, and then they go into that if you don’t do it or the yelling or again, the rhetorical, why don’t you ever listen and why do you always and so on, so much, energy is wasted as opposed to just, yes.

 

00;11;28;24 – 00;11;50;22

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Knowing that you’re going to ask your child, you’re going to, then step towards them because, you see, if I ask a child, don’t do that. I know that they’re not like little sod. You’re going to okay, sometimes, but often not. Right. So I’m saying to myself, I’m going to tell the child, yeah, please don’t do that.

 

00;11;50;22 – 00;12;14;05

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Or, we can do this right now or. No, don’t go there or we have to turn it off and so on. And I know that they’re not going to do it right then and there. So my second term will already be close proximity I know. Get up. There’s no remote control parenting. But when I talk about parents disappointment it’s like I ask them and instantly I’m disappointed that it doesn’t happen.

 

00;12;14;08 – 00;12;36;03

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So I said, parents, I know, I’m sorry, but you have to work a little harder because you already are working very hard, but you wasted so much energy on the wrong kind of hard work. I say work hard but get the right results. So please get up, stand next to your child and say, I can see very hard for you right now, but come on.

 

00;12;36;07 – 00;13;02;09

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Yeah, this is what we’re doing or this is what we’re not doing. So you’re right there. Your authority is not about, the rules, you know? Well, this is the rule. And you know, you’re not following your authorities about teaching and training them to understand the bigger picture that they don’t understand right now. So for that, you have to enforce it constantly.

 

00;13;02;11 – 00;13;20;17

Dr. Mona

Oh, doctor. Siggy, I love you. You know, I obviously had you back on the podcast after episode 77. You have to make sure you listen for anyone who has not listened to that, because we talk about biting, hitting and throwing, but we talk about tips for managing those moments and other parenting tips. What would be a final message for everyone listening?

 

00;13;20;29 – 00;13;24;27

Dr. Mona

And we’ll discuss, you know, where people can find you because I think you’re just such an amazing resource.

 

00;13;24;29 – 00;13;48;27

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Thank you so much, really for that. I am so appreciated. I think that most of the time, what I want parents to take from it and to understand is listen to yourself and pay attention to how it is that you’re feeling, because most of the time, your responses to your child stems from your own emotions, and your emotions are one.

 

00;13;48;27 – 00;14;25;09

Dr. Siggie Cohen

I’m not fully validated to you. You’re not validating how really your child is making you feel. You’re feeling it. You know you’re frustrated, you’re disappointed, you’re angry, you’re tired. Obviously you’re feeling it, but you’re not saying, oh wow, I am so frustrated right now. So validated the same way you want to validate it to your children and then set your emotions somewhat aside because you want to know your emotions are also instinctual, primal, sort of not fully using another part of your brain, which is sensibility and logic.

 

00;14;25;12 – 00;14;54;04

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And they’re not going to give you the good parenting tool that you need right then and there. So grow yourself, listen to yourself, train yourself to validate your own emotions, to understand where your child is triggering you. And boy, they trigger us all day long. And then know that you can just be a sort of like a jumping bunny that, you know, a button was pushed in you.

 

00;14;54;04 – 00;15;04;20

Dr. Siggie Cohen

You have to be rational. You have to be sincere, and you have to be regulated in order to help your child. I.

 

00;15;04;20 – 00;15;33;06

Dr. Mona

Couldn’t agree more. You are like, seriously, I love this. I could talk about this all the time because I just think it’s such a cycle of parenting, right? We tend to focus on the child. We don’t focus on our own emotions nearly as much. You know, the things that cause a rise out of us, the things that trigger us, and a little version of yourself or a little person that you’re now taking care of is going to trigger those, you know, those insecurities that we’ve had when you were raised, you know, how are you, talk to you about your emotions, like, how do you handle stress?

 

00;15;33;06 – 00;15;53;19

Dr. Mona

How do you handle someone who’s crying? It’s so important to remember that cyclical behavior of how we parent our kids. Doctor Siggy is on Instagram as Doctor Sigi. I’m adding that to my shownotes. I’m also adding her website where you can get information on the courses she has. Tell me more about your courses and what people can find out of these courses.

 

00;15;53;22 – 00;16;24;26

Dr. Siggie Cohen

So the course, introduces my method of parenting and gives you a lot of, great tips and tools of how to manage, the children at any age. But then the actual course is right now for toddlers, and it discusses the many different aspects of toddlerhood, anywhere from the misbehavior is in a way, quote unquote, of hearing, biting, pushing to socialization, to sleep issues, to food issues, and so on and so forth.

 

00;16;24;29 – 00;16;31;14

Dr. Siggie Cohen

And, I’m building on that, and we’ll come out with the course for the next stage.

 

00;16;31;17 – 00;16;36;22

Dr. Mona

Awesome. Thank you again for joining me today. It was such a pleasure speaking to you again.

 

00;16;36;25 – 00;16;38;19

Dr. Siggie Cohen

Thank you. Thank you so much.

 

00;16;38;23 – 00;16;54;15

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.