We’ve all been there or will be there: When you don’t want your child to do something, say “no” and your child keeps doing it. On this episode, I speak with Susmitha about her 22-month-old son who keeps doing activities after she says no. We discuss:

• How to approach boundaries by allowing more opportunities for “yes”
• What happens in the toddler brain when we say “No!”
• How to approach boundaries to actually see long-term change

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;18;01

Dr. Mona

It’s okay that you don’t like this, but I’m going to continue to draw. You’re not bringing attention to the behavior. You’re recognizing the emotion. You’re recognizing that he may not like that you had to set the boundary with removing the chalk, but you’re also being very firm on holding the boundary.

 

00;00;18;03 – 00;00;42;11

Dr. Mona

Hello and welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. I am Doctor Mona and thank you so much for being here. This podcast continues to grow because of you, your reviews, your shares with other people. So thank you for tuning in each and every week on this episode of Monday Morning. So Doctor Mona, I am talking with Susmitha, who is a mother of a 22 month old boy who has been where all of us have been.

 

00;00;42;17 – 00;00;50;06

Dr. Mona

When you say no to your child and they keep doing what you’re asking them not to do, so.

 

00;00;50;08 – 00;00;58;01

Dr. Mona

Hey, so, Smith, thank you so much for joining me on today’s podcast episode. So tell me, what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;00;58;04 – 00;01;11;17

Susmitha

Hi, doctor. Mona, thank you so much for having me on this podcast. It’s like a dream come true for most of you, I love it. So the topic that I have in mind is when you say no and then your child still keeps doing it.

 

00;01;11;19 – 00;01;14;21

Dr. Mona

Oh, yes. Okay, so we have all been there. And how old is your son?

 

00;01;14;24 – 00;01;17;17

Susmitha

My son is 22 months old. Very close to do.

 

00;01;17;19 – 00;01;24;24

Dr. Mona

When do you think this started? This sort of. You’ll say no. And he doesn’t do it is something that’s been going on for a while. Or is he in a phase that you feel?

 

00;01;25;04 – 00;01;40;17

Susmitha

I feel like this has been going on for a very long time. Yes. It started out almost like 6 to 8 months ago. I would say, like earlier in the year or towards the end of last year. It started off with other things, but then it moved on to some things that are not as safe for him.

 

00;01;40;20 – 00;01;55;23

Dr. Mona

Give me an example of maybe the most recent time that this has happened. I know there are probably tons, but let’s choose one. One example that you feel like, okay, this is this happened and it was kind of frustrating. Or, you know, obviously for safety, whatever it is. But just, one example right now.

 

00;01;55;26 – 00;02;11;18

Susmitha

Yeah. I what example that comes to mind is when we were playing with Chuck outside, my son put the chalk in his mouth, and then it wasn’t in that second that I noticed that because I was drawing something on the driveway with the chalk, it was the next second that I saw. Okay, why is your mouth red?

 

00;02;11;18 – 00;02;20;04

Susmitha

And and then I know, oh, you actually put the chalk in your mouth. Oh my God. And then I freaked out for the first couple minutes and then I tried to wash it off and. Yeah.

 

00;02;20;07 – 00;02;28;10

Dr. Mona

And what have you done so far. So you explain that like, what did you say to him at that moment? Or what was the sort of interaction that happened after that episode?

 

00;02;28;12 – 00;02;47;07

Susmitha

Yeah, it was like that instantaneous reaction was like, no, don’t do that. And then and I tried to take the chalk away from him, which ended up in like a big meltdown, as usual. Yes. Even after this situation happened. And I said no, we’ve had a few instances wherein it was in the chalk, but a crayon, but things like that that he was putting in his mouth.

 

00;02;47;07 – 00;03;01;14

Susmitha

And I try to take that away. But then he cried. And then after some time I gave it back. And it’s a back and forth of me saying, no. And then him stopping bad behavior for a short period of time, but then him going back to doing it.

 

00;03;01;16 – 00;03;21;05

Dr. Mona

So one thing I first want to normalize is that repetitive behavior is going to be really common. And you can tell your child and set a boundary. And I want to normalize the expectation that just because you set a boundary does not mean that that toddler brain is going to remember it and never do it again. It takes a lot of repetition and consistency.

 

00;03;21;05 – 00;03;34;12

Dr. Mona

So first I want to normalize that. So I don’t want you to ever feel like okay, this work, but why did he just do it again? Right. So what we want to do and what we’re going to I want to talk about with you is how can we make this a this is a behavior that he understands in his core.

 

00;03;34;17 – 00;03;46;17

Dr. Mona

This is what we’re supposed to do, that we’re not supposed to put chalk in our mouth. And we can say that this is an unsafe behavior because I want him to swallow the chalk. I don’t want him to like, you know, eat the chalk. It’s not. It’s just so. Yes, I know you said that you were talking about things that might be unsafe.

 

00;03;46;23 – 00;04;06;16

Dr. Mona

So we want to first focus on our reaction in this situation. And this is extremely difficult coming from a mother as well. I get it that our first initial reaction when our child does something that is unsafe or is worrisome, or that we don’t love okay, is to get that big reaction of no, don’t do it. I need the chalk out of your mouth.

 

00;04;06;16 – 00;04;32;10

Dr. Mona

And our job as parents is to kind of retrain how we approach tantrums, behavior modifications, all of that, because that step is going to be very critical in what he sees before you even say something. So for example, if a child falls and our face is like petrified, right? Like we show that we are so worried that child has now created fear that, oh my gosh, this is a bad experience, that this is not something good.

 

00;04;32;16 – 00;04;51;24

Dr. Mona

Of course children are going to fall. Obviously we have to be there for them and make sure they’re okay, but it’s a trained experience for a parent to be able to just stare at a situation. Look, your eyes can get wide a little bit, but calmly approach the situation. I use the falling as an example, but in this situation, you’re seeing your child put chalk in their mouth.

 

00;04;51;29 – 00;05;01;01

Dr. Mona

I know it’s probably going through your head like, tell me what goes through your head in that moment. I would love to hear. Like when he puts that chalk in the mouth, what is that spiral that goes through your head of, shoot, this is happening.

 

00;05;01;08 – 00;05;11;19

Susmitha

Yeah. It’s usually like, oh my God, why would you put a chalk in that? It’s not safe. And I think the first time I put a chalk in his mouth, I was like, I don’t even know what is in that chalk.

 

00;05;11;21 – 00;05;12;09

Dr. Mona

Yeah, that would be.

 

00;05;12;09 – 00;05;34;14

Susmitha

Dangerous to you. Could something happen to you? I mean, I don’t know what sort of colors are in there or that chalk also touched the drive in that we were. Yeah. So a little bit about myself. I am a microbiology scientist. Okay. I think about all the different things that could be on that chalk right now. And then I’m thinking, what could he be getting by putting that chalk in his mouth?

 

00;05;34;16 – 00;05;55;26

Dr. Mona

Well, the reason I’m asking that is that that’s so much of how we can make breakthroughs as parents, right? Because I may not have the same reservations as you, and that doesn’t make anything worse or bad. It just means that you have an understanding of germs that you’re like, oh gosh, I don’t want that, right? Every parent is going to have different biases, insecurities, past experiences that are going to shape how we approach these situations.

 

00;05;55;26 – 00;06;18;09

Dr. Mona

So that is why I love having you all on to be able to talk about that. So now getting to that moment. So the first thing we have to do is try our hardest to understand that we’re going to try to be very calm with the boundary and the follow through. What I mean by being calm with the boundary and the follow through, is that the boundary here is that he can’t put chalk in his mouth, and we want to follow that through calmly.

 

00;06;18;09 – 00;06;31;26

Dr. Mona

So what you’re going to say and these are just some scripts and ideas. Hey, I see you have chalk in your mouth. We can’t put our chalk in the mouth of chalk goes here. So in that moment you can take the chalk out or you can have him remove it himself. Right. And if he’s not removing it, you can help him.

 

00;06;32;03 – 00;06;50;23

Dr. Mona

And you’re going to say, I’m going to help you take the chalk out of your mouth, rather than physically grabbing and yanking, because, again, that physical behavior becomes attention, becomes, oh, why did mommy just get really excited when I had chalk in the mouth, right? Children are constantly wanting attention, and they kind of like to see what we’re going to do in situations.

 

00;06;51;00 – 00;07;15;16

Dr. Mona

People will say, oh, that’s manipulative. No they’re not. They’re just learning. They’re learning. Well, if I do this, what is my caregiver going to do? Right? Are they going to have a big reaction? Oh, they had a big reaction. So maybe this is something I can continue doing because I just got a big reaction. Whether that reaction is like from something that is good or bad, like you’re going to see that child do things more when they got a reaction out of us, which goes into now positive reinforcement, which I’ll get into.

 

00;07;15;18 – 00;07;28;19

Dr. Mona

But what you want to do is when he does do that, you’re going to say chalk is not for the mouth, chalk is for the ground, and you’re going to have him tick the chalk out, or you’re going to take the chalk out and you are going to have him show you how he plays with the chalk on the ground.

 

00;07;28;24 – 00;07;39;26

Dr. Mona

When he finally does that, you are going to verbally reinforce and verbally praise or highlighting the right of how we are supposed to use chalk. And your son’s name is Nathan, right?

 

00;07;39;26 – 00;07;40;08

Susmitha

Yes.

 

00;07;40;11 – 00;07;55;01

Dr. Mona

Nyan nyan. Really great job. Show me how you use that shot. I love saying that terminology in many situations. Show me how you do this using the example of a child who won’t sit on a couch and is always standing and jumping. Right.

 

00;07;55;03 – 00;07;55;21

Susmitha

Brian?

 

00;07;55;21 – 00;08;12;22

Dr. Mona

I’m going to give my son’s names. Ryan. Right? You know that. Ryan, show me how we sit on the couch on your butt. Oh, very good versus no, you can’t stand. Because what we’re allowing in this situation is we are setting the boundary that we cannot do this right. Show me how we use the chalk or show me how we sit on the couch now.

 

00;08;12;23 – 00;08;43;18

Dr. Mona

Gives them power of, okay, this is what I’m supposed to be doing. And then your verbal praise, your verbal reinforcement, right? That positive reinforcement is going to really help them start to understand quicker that, oh, this is what we do it chalk my mom is not getting worked up about it. And also she’s showing me when I’m supposed to use the chalk and when any moment that you start to see him use chalk correctly, even if it’s the next day and it’s not in his mouth, you are going to say to him, great job using your chalk on the floor.

 

00;08;43;18 – 00;09;07;08

Dr. Mona

I love coloring, using the chalk on the pavement or the concrete or the floor. Use simple terminology, but we want to really highlight the right when they do it right, and then the calm follow through is going to be really important in the situation. And the child brain works really well on repetition and on positive reinforcement. So that is why I like this.

 

00;09;07;08 – 00;09;26;29

Dr. Mona

Right. It’s that natural sort of way that human beings do get motivated to do things, especially the toddler brain. They are going to realize the more times that you say, this is how we use chalk. Great job using the chalk, right? All those are positive things. It’s not like shameful. It’s not like don’t, don’t, don’t. We are giving them the opportunity for a yes.

 

00;09;27;02 – 00;09;43;02

Dr. Mona

We are saying you can use the chalk here. Show me how you use the chalk here. Great job. What did you just draw for me? You know, maybe he drew a little scribble or a circle. Whatever he’s drawing. Great job using the chalk. You did a great job listening and using the chalk today. So it’s okay to use that terminology.

 

00;09;43;02 – 00;10;04;09

Dr. Mona

And you notice how my voice gets very positive during that enforcement as well. Because it’s not just about saying it, it’s about how you say it. Right? Because if I say no, you can’t use that. Technically, when we’re trying to set a boundary, we often get very energetic and our voice and our body language and our body, you know, like how we look without even speaking becomes very stressed.

 

00;10;04;15 – 00;10;21;05

Dr. Mona

Right? And that child is going to understand that this is a stressful experience for my parent. And oh, so maybe I should do it again. Let’s see what happens again. You know, so we’re trying to say this is what it’s not happening. And you say, oh, chalk doesn’t go in our mouth. Chalk goes on the floor. Show me how we draw the chalk.

 

00;10;21;07 – 00;10;36;29

Dr. Mona

Now if he gets upset and he gets, you know, like, I’ll like, throwing a tantrum because of it. You allow him space and you say, it’s okay if you want to use your chalk on the ground, mommy’s going to sit here and use the chalk and you’re welcome to join me. You know, it’s okay that you don’t like this, but I’m going to continue to draw.

 

00;10;36;29 – 00;10;56;11

Dr. Mona

You’re not bringing attention to the behavior. You’re recognizing the emotion. You’re recognizing that he may not like that you had to set the boundary with removing the chalk, but you’re also being very firm on holding the boundary. The example I give is that if you say to yourself, okay, I don’t want the chalk in his mouth that is your boundary as a parent.

 

00;10;56;13 – 00;11;19;26

Dr. Mona

And then he cries because of the chalk. You’re obviously not going to give him the chalk back to put in his mouth, right? You got to be very consistent with the boundary that you said. That is how we set healthy boundaries with our children, that they understand that mommy, daddy or whatever caregiver I have has set a boundary that I’m not allowed to have chalk in my mouth, and there is no way that I’m going to get it back in that moment, right?

 

00;11;19;26 – 00;11;38;09

Dr. Mona

Same thing when a child, you say, know about an iPad and they want the iPad, you made the decision. As a parent, you’ve made the decision that this is what my boundary is. And now the most important thing that we can do with that is the calm follow through. Once you’ve decided your boundaries so they understand that this is what’s happening, I don’t have to love it, right?

 

00;11;38;09 – 00;11;50;05

Dr. Mona

They don’t have to love our boundaries, but that this is what needs to happen in this situation. And then you are going to rewire their brain by focusing on positive reinforcement when they actually do use that chalk in a correct way.

 

00;11;50;08 – 00;12;08;24

Susmitha

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense because, if they happen to love, I was only focusing more on saying no. And so he doesn’t do it again, but I never thought about praising him for when he’s actually, which is 90% of the time, or 95% of the time. He’s actually doing well with the chocolate and that he’s not putting it in his mouth.

 

00;12;08;24 – 00;12;21;06

Susmitha

So I never thought about praising him or praising that behavior when he’s doing things the right way. So yeah, that’s definitely a shift in, perspective of how I can make sure that he gets to doing what we want to do.

 

00;12;21;08 – 00;12;34;16

Dr. Mona

And I love to talk about this with adults, too. Right. Children are obviously different than adults, don’t get me wrong. But there are a lot of similarities I always talk about, like with everything, if me and you were out and every time I talk to you, I always say, no, you can’t do that. No, you can’t do that.

 

00;12;34;16 – 00;13;03;18

Dr. Mona

No, you can’t do that. Like, it becomes very stressful to be around someone who constantly gives you no’s instead of giving you opportunities for yeses. So that is why, like if chalk is the example we’re using, we want to make sure that we are allowing him opportunities to use that chalk on the floor wherever you guys are using it, and then praising that as much as you can so that his brain starts to rewire and say, oh, mommy got really happy with me when I use the chalk on the floor.

 

00;13;03;22 – 00;13;20;15

Dr. Mona

And she, you know, there was a whole experience there that was very uplifting for me. You know, that is awesome. And they’re going to really start to do that more and you will start to see the behavior diminish. I also want to normalize that your child is 22 months. It’s very normal for them to want to self explore with their mouth, right?

 

00;13;20;15 – 00;13;39;22

Dr. Mona

They even young babies do this. But a toddler is going to put stuff in their mouth. My son Ryan is putting these like pieces from like a toy. It’s not choking hazard, but I don’t like it. I don’t like that he’s putting it for a safety perspective. I don’t love it. Okay. And so obviously it’s important that we teach him that, hey, this toy is supposed to go over here, show me how you put this toy over here.

 

00;13;39;22 – 00;13;55;22

Dr. Mona

It’s like a little piece on, like a puzzle. Like a puzzle board. And he goes over there and he runs over there like Ryan. You got the color right? Like, again, it’s really just making it up. It is okay to make a big deal when they do do something that you want them to do, when it’s something that you’re teaching them, right, like, hey, I don’t want the chalk.

 

00;13;55;29 – 00;14;03;18

Dr. Mona

I want to really get you to understand that chalk is fine to play with, but we are going to really train you and understand that this is when and how we play with the chalk.

 

00;14;03;20 – 00;14;05;12

Susmitha

Yes, that makes sense.

 

00;14;05;14 – 00;14;18;25

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I think, you know, it’s a big picture here. This can be applied to I think many different situations. Give me one more situation I’ll run through maybe another example of when your child is continuing to do something when you say no.

 

00;14;18;28 – 00;14;35;15

Susmitha

Yeah. Another example that comes to mind is when we are trying to get my son out of the highchair after he finishes his meal and he, usually takes us like maybe 10 or 15 seconds to put the tray down because that’s usually filled with a lot of food or his, but take off his bib and then get him down.

 

00;14;35;18 – 00;14;48;02

Susmitha

So in that 10s or a few seconds, he tries to like, stand up on the highchair and stomp his feet. And he’s so excited because he knows that something it’s not supposed to do and that’s unsafe because he can fall off from the highchair.

 

00;14;48;04 – 00;14;57;01

Dr. Mona

Similar question I have for the chalk example what happens in that moment with the interaction? I know we’re learning about this, but are you saying no, get down. Like, what are you saying to him?

 

00;14;57;03 – 00;15;18;21

Susmitha

Yeah. So this has been happening for a while, and he actually fell off from a lot of highchair, but just a regular chair. Even though we were like, right next to him. So since that incident, I make sure that he’s never standing on the highchair, and now he knows that a time he’s standing on the highchair, that’s something we don’t like.

 

00;15;18;23 – 00;15;44;11

Susmitha

We can see it in his eyes that he does it to get a reaction out of us. Yeah. So at least I have practiced enough. I’ve had enough practice with the situation that anytime I see that happen, I immediately tell him, and can you come down from the highchair? Or I say, or I immediately go to the highchair and get him down, because sometimes he may not understand what I’m saying or doesn’t understand the seriousness of the situation.

 

00;15;44;11 – 00;15;56;25

Susmitha

And even though that’s the situation with him, I as an adult know that it’s unsafe and I cannot trust him to do the right thing in the moment. And I drop everything. I get down, get him down immediately.

 

00;15;56;27 – 00;16;14;12

Dr. Mona

So I love this, and I think so many of the principles we just talked about is going to really be helpful here. But deciding your boundary, which is that he’s not going to be on the highchair calmly following through, which basically means that he needs to get down from the highchair. No, not stand. And then you’re also going to give opportunities for yeses in this situation.

 

00;16;14;18 – 00;16;33;14

Dr. Mona

How you can do that is when he is sitting in the highchair, you just verbalize it and say, you don’t have to, okay, you’re not rolling out a red carpet, but you are saying, hey, I’ve really great job sitting and eating your meal today, listening to your belly. You’re focusing on the whole experience and how he did what you know he should be doing, which is listening to his body while he eats and sitting.

 

00;16;33;16 – 00;16;53;22

Dr. Mona

The one thing I will add that might be helpful is speaking as fact. Rather than asking a question to our children. This is very common and I think a lot of parents do this. I used to do this, and I have started to really understand the importance of fact versus question. So you said that, hey, Nihan, can you get off the chair versus Nihan?

 

00;16;53;29 – 00;17;16;00

Dr. Mona

We need to sit down. Nihan, we need to get down off the chair. The difference in stating it as a fact versus as a question is you are the authority figure. You’re not giving him any room for negotiation when you ask a question. We commonly want to ask questions to our child. Questions are going to be important if we’re giving them a choice, correct?

 

00;17;16;05 – 00;17;32;15

Dr. Mona

Like if you’re deciding on a meal and saying do you want I’m giving example, do you want chicken nuggets or mac and cheese? Okay. Example. That is when we’re going to ask a question with two options. But when it’s a boundary there’s no okay we’re going to do this okay. This is what’s going to happen okay. Can you get off.

 

00;17;32;21 – 00;17;53;22

Dr. Mona

It’s hey Nihan, we have to get off the chair. Right. You know, and we need to put our tushy on the chair. Can you show me tushy on the chair? Oh, really? Great job. Nine right. Using the principles, like I mentioned with the Show me, the show me terminology I find is super helpful. And then also the speaking as fact rather than a question makes it to the child that this is what’s going to happen.

 

00;17;53;24 – 00;18;13;22

Dr. Mona

We are going to sit down and it can be said in a very loving way, right when we I think people sometimes feel like we want to give our child a choice, but there is no choice. They have to sit. Right. So yeah, we are going to make it. As a matter of fact, I’m going to make it a statement and not ask you because when we say terminology like okay, is that okay?

 

00;18;13;25 – 00;18;32;15

Dr. Mona

Do you think that will work? Then it leaves in their brain that there’s an opening here that I don’t have to do what my mommy daddy caregiver is telling me? I can actually just decide. So try to focus on that. And that is also like I mentioned earlier with the start of this conversation, that is also something that’s going to be trained for you, because we’ve gotten used to that as parents.

 

00;18;32;15 – 00;18;49;21

Dr. Mona

Right. To ask the question, but I encourage you to try to change that along with what I said about the reaction, right. Controlling the reaction when they do those things. So I use example like Ryan does the same stuff, right? I mean, there’s been times where he stands on the couch or he’s about to flip over on his little chair, and sometimes it’s hard, right?

 

00;18;49;21 – 00;19;10;15

Dr. Mona

If you have multiple children, especially, and even if you say you’re working from home, it’s really hard to be on top of your child at all. Given moment. But when you do see those opportunities, obviously hopefully you are playing or seeing that, that is when you’re going to really, really be very consistent with those boundaries and use that calm follow through, speak as fact and then give those opportunities for how we sit in the chair.

 

00;19;10;17 – 00;19;29;05

Dr. Mona

Hey, do we climb on chairs? Right? You can ask a question that way. Like, are we supposed to climb on chairs? Oh, show me how you sit on the chair. Great job sitting on the chair. So cozy, so comfortable. You are being a little dramatic with the positive reinforcement because then they start to realize, oh yeah, it is kind of cozy.

 

00;19;29;05 – 00;19;46;22

Dr. Mona

And mommy did really like it. So I think these principles are really going to help, in very situations with this. No, no, no, no, you know, like they don’t like hearing it because it’s hard to hear it. I mean, even adults, I don’t think any adult wants to be told no, no, no all the time. They want the opportunity for what can they do?

 

00;19;46;29 – 00;19;53;09

Dr. Mona

Is mommy excited about something I’m doing? And that’s a completely reasonable child or even adult behavior, I think.

 

00;19;53;12 – 00;19;55;15

Susmitha

Yeah, that makes sense.

 

00;19;55;17 – 00;20;04;12

Dr. Mona

I love talking about this stuff. And, you know, I guess as a take home what would be some take homes for you that you could probably implement in the next week. With your son Ryan.

 

00;20;04;14 – 00;20;16;20

Susmitha

Yeah. I think the biggest takeaway would be not just saying no, but also using that positive reinforcement in time. They’re doing it the right way. I think that’s the biggest takeaway for me.

 

00;20;16;22 – 00;20;33;19

Dr. Mona

I am so grateful to have you on because again, like we’ve said this Monday mornings, the Doctor Moana episodes, it’s meant to provide the nuance. It’s meant to provide that sort of back and forth, you know, I can tell families all the time about no, no, no, but then scenarios will happen, you know, like, what about this situation?

 

00;20;33;19 – 00;20;50;14

Dr. Mona

Like, how do I approach this? So this, me that. Thank you so much for joining me. And I hope and I’m going to follow up with you. I hope that you see some change. And as my final message, the change is not expected overnight. Maybe in a unicorn child we will see that right? Like we’ll see that you do it in the next eight stop.

 

00;20;50;16 – 00;21;10;03

Dr. Mona

Sometimes I do see that with certain behaviors and my own child or with patients of mine. But the goal here is not immediate change. The goal here is consistency with what we’re talking about and being patient with them. And you’ll start to see it. You’ll start to see that will start to fade. Not only will it start to fade because of age, they start to understand more, but also because of your repetition.

 

00;21;10;03 – 00;21;12;23

Dr. Mona

So really excited to see how it works out for you.

 

00;21;12;25 – 00;21;24;03

Susmitha

Yeah. Thank you so much, Doctor Mona, and thank you so much for sharing these tips. I’m so excited to like, try them and hopefully in the near future, which could be like few weeks, the few months, but I expect to see some change.

 

00;21;24;05 – 00;21;46;05

Dr. Mona

You know, we have all been there. When you say no and your child keeps doing it. So I talked to Smith about some strategies to actually allow children to do things that we want without always using the word no. So I wanted to wrap up this episode with a few take home points, like I do with all of the Monday mornings with Doctor Mona series.

 

00;21;46;07 – 00;22;11;11

Dr. Mona

What I do here is I talk about three parenting principles that you can apply to many different situations, but I explain how it applies to when your child keeps doing something. When you say no, number one is deciding your boundary and having the calm follow through regardless of what they say, how they act, etc. you want to have the calm follow through because you can have a big reaction, but what that does is it makes them excited and say wow, okay, I got a reaction.

 

00;22;11;11 – 00;22;31;09

Dr. Mona

I got some attention out of my parent. So first you want to be very calm with how we state the boundary, and we have to follow through with it so that they understand that this is an important boundary. So once you’ve gone into a situation knowing that yes, I’m not going to allow my child to stand on a high chair, you have to be really consistent in following through in a calm way with that boundary.

 

00;22;31;11 – 00;22;38;08

Dr. Mona

Number two is speaking as fact rather than asking a question. And I explained in the conversation that this is really hard to change. You know, if.

 

00;22;38;08 – 00;22;38;27

Dr. Mona

You’re used to.

 

00;22;39;04 – 00;22;58;13

Dr. Mona

Trying to give them some autonomy and you want to ask a question, but when we’re trying to set boundaries, it’s important to state of fact. Rather than ask them, we need to sit down. Show me how you sit down versus hey, can you sit down? How about you sit down? Is that okay? Because the latter, asking a question does not place you as an authority figure.

 

00;22;58;15 – 00;23;19;29

Dr. Mona

You can set healthy boundaries and be an authority and be compassionate at the same time. But you want to speak as fact rather than asking a question. Number three, and I think this is the biggest key, is give more opportunities for yeses. Children here no all day every day. So it’s really important that we show them the behaviors or things that they’re doing.

 

00;23;19;29 – 00;23;41;05

Dr. Mona

When is that okay to do. And this applies for throwing behavior. This applies for other behaviors so that you can channel that energy into something different. Give opportunities for yes more and more because that rewires the brain to say, okay, this is what I’m supposed to be doing. This is what I have to do in this situation and reinforce it.

 

00;23;41;12 – 00;23;59;19

Dr. Mona

Say, great job, verbal praise. It’s okay to verbally praise your child for an action that you are trying to teach them. That is something that you want as a boundary. As a parent. Thank you so much for tuning in today. As always, if you love this episode, make sure you leave a review and rating and share it on Instagram Stories.

 

00;23;59;26 – 00;24;06;13

Dr. Mona

Tag me so I can reshare and more people can discover this podcast and I’ll talk to another parent next week.