We can’t protect our kids from failure, but we can guide them to how to learn from failure and part of this is having a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset. Join me on this important episode as I discuss:

• The difference between a growth and fixed mindset
• 5 ways to raise our child with a growth mindset from the toddler years and beyond
• Why a growth mindset is beneficial to children

 

Episode Links and Resources:
Study by Schroeder et. al about power of a growth mindset in school-aged children 

Are you a toddler parent looking for more parenting and tantrum guidance, check out my course Toddlers & Tantrums for more tips to connect and compassionately discipline your toddler child

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;19;21

Dr. Mona

A fixed mindset is a mindset that fuels and looks at success as black and white. You either win or lose and losing is failure. You’re either good at something or not. You look at yourself as unable to change, and you’re just who you are and that people are just lucky and you’re unlucky. It’s a very negative mindset to encourage growth.

 

00;00;19;23 – 00;00;37;26

Dr. Mona

Take a person who wants to become a motivational speaker but is not good at speaking. A fixed mindset mentality says I can’t ever do this. I am who I am. It’s hopeless. I will never be a good public speaker. A growth mindset, on the other hand, says I am capable of growing and learning and that is what should be celebrated.

 

00;00;37;29 – 00;01;05;19

Dr. Mona

These people will look at being shy or not good at public speaking, and tell themselves I am capable of learning and becoming better. Just because I’m not good at this now, it doesn’t mean I can’t learn to be better. Someone with the growth mindset understands that improvement is always possible. Mistakes will happen, but they’re going to learn from their mistakes rather than looking at themselves or situation as a complete failure.

 

00;01;05;21 – 00;01;29;13

Dr. Mona

Welcome to the PedsDocTalk podcast. Thank you for joining me. Each and every week, your reviews, the way that you tune in and the way you share this podcast are how the show continues to grow. So thank you so much for being here today. This is the last Monday episode I’ll be doing on this show and sticking to just Wednesdays, so don’t forget to download those episodes every Wednesday.

 

00;01;29;20 – 00;02;00;13

Dr. Mona

And if you are a toddler parent, make sure you check out all of my courses and resources at PedsDocTalk.com, including the toddlers and Tantrums, a course about approaching our toddlers behavior with compassion and understanding. On this episode, we are talking about raising our children with a growth mindset and frankly, I think this is vital as I know many adults who do not have a growth mindset and rather have a fixed mindset, and this can impact happiness, mental health, and even success in one’s life.

 

00;02;00;20 – 00;02;23;09

Dr. Mona

I was raised with a fixed mindset, and I learned to have a growth mindset as I was met with more failures in my adult life. Failures I now look back at as grateful for because it’s how I grew from those experiences. I still remember I got really good grades in high school. I was the top 20 in my high school graduating class at a very competitive high school in Southern California.

 

00;02;23;14 – 00;02;56;02

Dr. Mona

I went to UCLA, which was also a very competitive school, and I was in a competitive pressure medicine major, and everyone was trying to beat the best. And I was not very good at physics. And in order to complete all of your requirements for all the prerequisites for medical school, you have to take physics. And it was not something I was good at, and physics was the first time I got a C, I got a C on my report card, and I had never received a C on my report card.

 

00;02;56;04 – 00;03;18;08

Dr. Mona

And I remember sitting in the patio calling my sister, telling her that I’m a failure and that I’m not going to get into medical school. And honestly, that experience was the first time in my young adult life and now adult life that I experience failure and had to really rewire that fixed mindset that I grew up with to a growth mindset.

 

00;03;18;08 – 00;03;52;29

Dr. Mona

Just because I get a C doesn’t mean that my career is over. Doesn’t mean that my life is over. And look at me now. I am a full fledged pediatrician, board certified, have this podcast, have my YouTube. I feel pretty successful with what I ended up doing, even though I had that seat. And I want our children to grow up with the ability to understand that even if we quote unquote fail or don’t get the highest grade in a class, or aren’t the best of something, that we still have this mindset that we can be better, that we are going to be the best in our capability and that we can succeed.

 

00;03;53;03 – 00;04;13;20

Dr. Mona

But what exactly is a growth mindset and what is a fixed mindset? A fixed mindset is a mindset that fuels and looks at success. As black and white. You either win or lose and losing is failure. You’re either good at something or not. You look at yourself as unable to change, and you’re just who you are and that people are just lucky and you’re unlucky.

 

00;04;13;27 – 00;04;35;26

Dr. Mona

It’s a very negative mindset to encourage growth. Take a person who wants to become a motivational speaker but is not good at speaking. A fixed mindset mentality says I can’t ever do this. I am who I am. It’s hopeless. I will never be a good public speaker. A growth mindset, on the other hand, says I am capable of growing and learning and that is what should be celebrated.

 

00;04;35;28 – 00;05;01;07

Dr. Mona

These people will look at being shy or not good at public speaking, and tell themselves I am capable of learning and becoming better. Just because I’m not good at this now, it doesn’t mean I can’t learn to be better. Someone with a growth mindset understands that improvement is always possible. Mistakes will happen, but they’re going to learn from their mistakes rather than looking at themselves or situation as a complete failure.

 

00;05;01;09 – 00;05;26;07

Dr. Mona

But how can we raise our children, including our toddlers, from a young age, with a growth mindset? And why is it important? It’s important because, according to a study in 2017 by Schroeder, at all school age, children with a growth mindset outperform those with a fixed mindset and are able to bounce back from failures. This isn’t even about intellect or skill, it’s about work ethic and mindset.

 

00;05;26;09 – 00;05;48;23

Dr. Mona

And the reality is we can’t protect our children from failure, but we can guide them on how to deal with failure and be a positive voice to them so that they can develop a positive inner voice as well. So let’s discuss the five ways that we can do this. Number one modeling. So in order to raise a child with the growth mindset, you have to model and believe in the power of the growth mindset.

 

00;05;48;25 – 00;06;13;20

Dr. Mona

So if you have more of a fixed mindset, you may need to tell yourself these things in this episode two. But modeling is very important how you deal with failures, messes, frustration is extreme. Important because your children are watching too. And our kids learn a lot by example, especially the example we lay out as their caregivers. Modeling. Does it mean that your child will copy what you do right away?

 

00;06;13;22 – 00;06;32;17

Dr. Mona

But the more they see you do something, the more they will realize that this is the norm you as the parent are trying to create for them and your family values. So when you make a mistake, model it. Just say you drop a ball in your house rather than getting frustrated and telling yourself, oh, I’m such an idiot, I dropped this, I was rushing and I wasn’t paying attention.

 

00;06;32;17 – 00;06;49;27

Dr. Mona

No, I want you to say, oh, I dropped the ball. It was an accident. I’m going to clean this up. Do you want to help me by bringing me the broom and then clean it up without fuss? Show them that mistakes happen and how you deal with them, so that they understand how they will deal with them to that.

 

00;06;49;27 – 00;07;16;03

Dr. Mona

This home is a home of learning from mistakes and not shaming for mistakes. Modeling is so key. Next, watch how you approach them. Making messes. Messes are the first things are. Toddlers will do that can actually set a foundation on developing a growth mindset. Hear me out. If they spill a glass of water rather than yelling at them, oh, look what you did say.

 

00;07;16;06 – 00;07;33;14

Dr. Mona

Oh, we made a mess. What do we do when we make a mess? Yes, let’s clean this up. Do you need my help? Do you want to hand me the paper towel? Do you want to clean it up with me? After the mess is clean, you can ask your child. Especially if they’re over to. What can we do next time to make sure we don’t make a mess?

 

00;07;33;16 – 00;08;01;22

Dr. Mona

To get those cognitive growth mindset wheels turning that they will learn from a mistake. By doing this, you are showing them that one mistakes happen. Two we don’t need to make a big hoopla and shameful event out of mistakes. Three that we are a team as their parents to guide them through mistake if they need us and for which is really important that we are allowing them to figure out how they can change their actions.

 

00;08;01;24 – 00;08;25;09

Dr. Mona

So we can minimize this from happening again. Because in order to grow, we have to have the cognitive awareness on what can be done differently next time and the emotional support to know that one mistake, one failure, doesn’t mean it’s all over. The third way that we can foster a growth mindset is how we approach their frustrations with tasks.

 

00;08;25;12 – 00;08;43;09

Dr. Mona

When your toddler or older child is frustrated, we can teach them problem solving skills, which are so important in having a growth mindset and listen. They will get frustrated. Let’s say your child is trying to figure out a puzzle and getting frustrated. I can’t do it. Your child throws the piece because they can’t figure out how it goes.

 

00;08;43;11 – 00;09;00;12

Dr. Mona

I want you to say, I see that you’re frustrated with the puzzle, but you can’t do it yet. You can learn. Want to show me how to do it? I’m here to help. Let them show you what they’re doing. You may need to hand them piece by piece. As you hand them a piece, pause and see if they can figure it out.

 

00;09;00;12 – 00;09;20;16

Dr. Mona

Do not talk, just observe. If they get frustrated, say, I know you can do it. Why don’t we try turning it this way and you can help them, or see if they can do it just by verbalizing. Don’t touch the puzzle when they get the piece in the right place. Verbal praise. Hey, you did it! You figured it out.

 

00;09;20;18 – 00;09;43;17

Dr. Mona

Let’s try again with this piece. The goal here is to one. Feed the brain with words of affirmation. You can’t do this yet. It may be hard, but you are trying. You will learn. You want to fill their words and their brain with these philosophies so that they actually can believe it as well. Number two, we want them to have space to figure it out before we show them.

 

00;09;43;20 – 00;10;05;04

Dr. Mona

So this is autonomy and then intervention. Autonomy means I want to see what you can do. And if you can’t do it, I’m here for you. Of course, the younger your child is, the more you’re going to have to intervene. They may have a less of an autonomy ability to complete a task, but I need you to allow them to do something first and then you will swoop in.

 

00;10;05;06 – 00;10;23;14

Dr. Mona

Obviously, these are things that are safe for them and things that are not going to cause a complete and utter mess. But like I said, even messes happen. For in order for them to learn but give them space and then use the phrases I’m here if you need me, I’m here to help. And then three. If they need you, walk them through it and give them positive affirmations.

 

00;10;23;17 – 00;10;45;21

Dr. Mona

When you see the baby step progress. Which leads me to number four praise the process. Praising the process means saying that you’re proud, saying you noticed them, but praising the work they put in versus the final product. A simple example your child has learned to color between the lines and comes to show you, and you remember them not being able to color between the lines.

 

00;10;45;23 – 00;11;10;25

Dr. Mona

Hey! Wow, you did wonderful! How did you learn to color in between the lines today? I noticed you did that differently than before. Great work learning praising the process means we as parents recognize and celebrate progress, inquire how they figured it out, and celebrate this. This combo allows them to feel more confidence, but the confidence is more in their ability to learn and grow than the end task.

 

00;11;10;28 – 00;11;37;20

Dr. Mona

It’s 100% okay to praise the final product, but followed up by reminding them what you noticed from last time so that they remember that what is being praised is the process, and not the end result, that you recognize the hard work they put in. Another example is your older child, who has been struggling with making a free throw in basketball, finally makes one and is excited, and you’re going to say, hey, I noticed you made that.

 

00;11;37;20 – 00;11;58;23

Dr. Mona

And what did you do differently? I noticed you worked really hard practicing, and it’s paying off because you’re getting better. Always celebrate growth so that they continue to have that growth mindset. If we always celebrate and results without discussing the growth it took to get there, we don’t feed their brains with what’s valued. And that’s trying. That’s learning.

 

00;11;58;28 – 00;12;26;23

Dr. Mona

That’s problem solving because that is how we bounce back from failure. Praise the problem solving A huge part of learning from mistakes is having the cognitive awareness of what you did to improve. So if they make a mess and clean it up, hey, really nice job cleaning up when they are more careful. Holding a cup where it doesn’t spill, say hey, you learned last time you spilled and you learned to hold it differently and now it didn’t spill.

 

00;12;26;29 – 00;12;50;02

Dr. Mona

Way to go! This is so important for that toddler brain that two three year old child who’s trying to learn a new skill. And you want to recognize that you see what they did differently and say it so that they could remember. Yes, the first time I spilled it, because I wasn’t careful with where I was looking. But this time I was and my parent, my caregiver, noticed that.

 

00;12;50;04 – 00;13;10;09

Dr. Mona

And that is how we build the growth and their desire to troubleshoot issues. The last one for today and I could do probably a lot more, but these are five tips for developing that growth mindset. The last one is to teach them that even if they are great at something, that they can continue to grow. A huge part of having a growth mindset is being humble.

 

00;13;10;11 – 00;13;32;16

Dr. Mona

Humility is understanding that even if you know a lot and I know many adults who are very bright, you are so good at what you do. We are so good at maybe the niche that you have created, but you can still grow. I think about this a lot with physician colleagues who feel that they know everything, and this can be the case to be a very knowledgeable person, but there is always something more to know.

 

00;13;32;18 – 00;13;56;01

Dr. Mona

And that’s the cool thing about being human. That’s the cool thing that I like to say about being a physician, that I know what I know, but I always can learn more in my field, and that humility allows me to have a growth mindset where I feel like there’s always something to learn, and that I will always continue to bounce back from things that I don’t know and learn what I need to know.

 

00;13;56;03 – 00;14;16;17

Dr. Mona

So for a child says I’m first and I’m the best. It’s okay to recognize their joy and pride. Let them have their moment. You don’t need to shut it down. Then it’s okay for them to feel their feelings when they get back to working on this task that they’re great at. You can also say, you’re doing incredible. Can you think of anything else you can do to learn and grow and be even better?

 

00;14;16;19 – 00;14;38;20

Dr. Mona

Are there certain other skills that you want to learn? Sometimes our kids will be really good at something and this is great if they’ve worked hard to get there, but always celebrate the way that they continue to improve. This is so that they continue to work those cognitive wheels to have a mindset of growth, and that growth is always possible wherever you are on a journey.

 

00;14;38;22 – 00;15;06;11

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me today for the short and sweet but really important episode. I hope you two can have a growth mindset and that you can raise your child with one two. We oftentimes tend to focus on all of these principles in the school age and above years. But as you know, if you’ve been listening to this podcast, if you’ve followed any of my resources, but any of my courses that I really believe that these are things that we should be instilling in our toddlers as well.

 

00;15;06;13 – 00;15;26;00

Dr. Mona

Will your toddler listen to everything and have this amazing growth mindset from the beginning? No, but the words that we choose and how we speak with our toddlers is also how we’re going to speak with them when they become a school age child, or a teenager or a young adult. And in every phase of their life, they are going to deal with failure.

 

00;15;26;00 – 00;15;44;27

Dr. Mona

And I do not want them to feel that failure means everything is a loss. It’s important for them to feel the feelings like I mentioned, if they’re feeling joy and pride, I don’t think we need to knock that down. Let them have their moment, say, hey, you should be really proud of yourself. You worked really hard. But celebrate again that process.

 

00;15;44;27 – 00;16;06;23

Dr. Mona

Celebrate what they did to get there. If they failed. I want you to put in their brain. What can we do differently next time? Not the oh, you failed. You got to see. Instead of an A, you should have gotten the A. It’s hey, I noticed that you were getting A’s and now you got to see. Is there anything that we can do differently next time?

 

00;16;06;26 – 00;16;42;02

Dr. Mona

Don’t forget to check out PedsDocTalk for all of my free handouts and paid resources as well, including signing up for our newsletter to stay up to date on all things health, development and parenting. I hope you love this episode, and if you did, continue to leave those reviews and share it on social media. Although I will not be releasing Monday episodes after this one, I will still be returning every Wednesday with episodes with guest, and when I’m back from maternity leave, I will be having solo episodes and also interviews and conversations with parents from the PDT community.

 

00;16;42;09 – 00;16;44;21

Dr. Mona

I can’t wait to chat with you all next time!