Motherhood can feel like a never-ending checklist. On this episode, I speak with Nicole—a mom from the PDT community—about handling the guilt and stress of the never-ending checklist.

We discuss:

• How to get our minds out of “checklist-mode”
• The importance of communication with partner, support system, and asking for help
• Ways to free up time when time seems scarce

If you are a parent and want to join me on the podcast, join our email list where we send out our guest form for you to fill out.

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;21;08

Dr. Mona

The never ending checklist can feel like things that are testy, right? I got to buy my kids clothes, I got a meal prep. I got to make sure that I signed up for this preschool tuition and all that. It’s nothing exciting. It’s all just checklist, right? I want you to, at the end of every day, put something on paper of the things that you did do that was incredible.

 

00;00;21;14 – 00;00;39;27

Dr. Mona

Normally I get really frustrated in this situation. And today I actually was, you know, held my ground. It was very cool. Or, you know, today we had this laughter filled moment with my children. So I want us to look at our day not as the checklist of all the mundane things that absolutely happen and is a reality in motherhood.

 

00;00;40;03 – 00;00;59;25

Dr. Mona

But I want us to look back and reflect on the day of the things that made us tilt our cup of joy, right? The the laughter, the, the, the winds that we had, like you said, and write it down so that when you go through your week, you can refer back to it and be like, look at me, look at what we’re doing as a family here.

 

00;00;59;28 – 00;01;18;08

Dr. Mona

Hey everyone, welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for tuning in. Each and every week, sometimes twice a week, because of our double episodes. And for all of your reviews and ratings and the way you share this show on your social media, this is how the podcast continues to grow. To be a top 50 parenting podcast in the United States.

 

00;01;18;10 – 00;01;40;13

Dr. Mona

If you are a parent and have a question for me that you want to discuss on the show, make sure you sign up for our email list in our show notes, where we send out the form to invite parents every week to chat. Remember that starting mid-May of 2023, I will be going back to only having episodes on Wednesdays and mixing it up between solo episodes, episodes with professionals, and episodes with parents.

 

00;01;40;13 – 00;02;09;08

Dr. Mona

So make sure you submit your questions, and I can’t wait for the rest of the year of the StarTalk podcast. On this episode, I welcome Nicole, a mom from the doctor community, to chat about when we feel that motherhood is a never ending checklist. We discuss how to get our mind out of checklist mode, the importance of communication with our team partner support system, and asking for help and ways to free up time when time seems scarce.

 

00;02;09;10 – 00;02;20;19

Dr. Mona

Now let’s get into the conversation mode. Hey Nicole, thank you so much for joining me on today’s show. So tell me what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;02;20;21 – 00;02;43;23

Nicole

Hi Doctor Mono, thank you for having me. I am just struggling with this never ending checklist of motherhood. I honestly feel like my brain is like my phone is Safari tab. It has like 50 tabs open. Like I just feel like I can’t get anything done ever. And it’s just like a constant feeling of mom guilt because nothing is getting done the way it should.

 

00;02;43;23 – 00;03;00;11

Dr. Mona

I feel Nicole I laughed not to be mean about it, but because I relate to it so much. The Safari tabs like it feels never ending and it just feels like when can I just shut down all these tabs and truly be in mental peace? I mean, that’s I think my goal as a mom is to have more mental peace.

 

00;03;00;11 – 00;03;08;00

Dr. Mona

So that’s what I’m trying to help a lot of moms get to as well, amidst all the things that we have to do, which I understand. And you have a few children, right? You have three children.

 

00;03;08;03 – 00;03;17;13

Nicole

I do, I have three under three and a half. So my oldest is four and a half. And then I have a three year old and a one year old. So it’s for a lot of chaos. Yes. Beautiful chaos.

 

00;03;17;13 – 00;03;36;17

Dr. Mona

Beautiful chaos. I love the way you say that. And I think it’s very normal to say that any person’s motherhood parenthood journey is obviously filled with ups and downs and chaos, but I understand and respect the fact that as you add more children to the picture, there’s less time for you. There’s more things to be responsible for. So I think anyone listening can relate.

 

00;03;36;17 – 00;03;51;26

Dr. Mona

Like I’m a parent of a only child at this point, right? I’m going to have another. I totally respect the fact that having one child is hard, but having three children is also hard, and you also have less time for all the things that you may want to do. And there can be more guilt because of that, right?

 

00;03;51;26 – 00;04;10;01

Dr. Mona

The constantly feeling tugged and the never ending checklist that we’re going to talk about. So sometimes you say you feel a little bit guilt. Do you think this guilt is internally created? Like do you feel like you just feel the guilt? Or do you ever feel it being externally said to you from maybe a partner or anyone in your life that says comments?

 

00;04;10;01 – 00;04;12;02

Dr. Mona

Or do you feel it’s just coming from inside?

 

00;04;12;04 – 00;04;29;27

Nicole

I definitely think it’s a little bit of both, you know, because I mean, you see all these things portrayed, you know, especially on social media. And for sometimes you got to sit there and remind yourself that it’s not always reality. Obviously, it’s like a highlight reel, but still, you know, you can’t help but feel like, oh, this mom is getting X, Y, and Z done.

 

00;04;29;27 – 00;04;50;05

Nicole

Why can’t I be that mom? Or if it’s like external factors saying, well, how come your house isn’t tidied up? You know, I was able to do this when I had three kids for example, and I didn’t have any help. So you’re just constantly second guessing yourself and questioning, why am I not able to get these things done if these people are able to?

 

00;04;50;05 – 00;04;59;21

Nicole

But again, like you said, everyone’s journey is different, but you can’t help but wonder, is there something wrong with me? Am I not being a good mom because I can’t do the things that everyone else can do?

 

00;04;59;23 – 00;05;18;22

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I feel like, you know, you said already, you look at other people who may be in the similar situation in terms of number of children or similar set up, but as you said, it’s actually never fully the same. And I say that by if that person has a partner or not, but the partner’s role, the finances to hire help.

 

00;05;18;22 – 00;05;41;26

Dr. Mona

And I’m talking like, yes, they could say that they don’t have help. And that’s the reality I’ve been in moments when I have no help, but maybe they get a little bit of help that we don’t in terms of helping to clean the house or, you know, someone to come by. Maybe they have a grandparent nearby that may not be fully involved with the child all the time, but there is something else, and even that we all just have different things that we prioritize as moms.

 

00;05;41;26 – 00;06;03;19

Dr. Mona

So using the example like in my house, I like having clean dishes, like a clean saying to me that’s important, but that also means that I may not have freshly cooked meals as much as the next mom. Right? There’s certain things that we are going to have to prioritize as mothers with looking at our own resources and all the things that we have, right.

 

00;06;03;19 – 00;06;19;07

Dr. Mona

It’s going to look so different. And that’s like my first tip is really when we’re feeling like there’s this never ending checklist, and it’s going to feel like that even more when you have a lot of other responsibilities besides your children. Maybe you have to do stuff for the home or you work outside the home. It just feels like it never ends.

 

00;06;19;14 – 00;06;39;29

Dr. Mona

Is really sitting down once a week and prioritizing. What is it that I need to get done every day, and what is it that I need to get done for the week? Right? Like creating this sort of prioritization and then realizing that, okay, if this doesn’t get done, it’s going to get pushed back until the next day, the next day, the next day.

 

00;06;40;01 – 00;06;56;07

Dr. Mona

That works. I could do that. Okay. What is it that’s important to me right now? And our family? And what is it that I have to get done ASAP? Or what’s something that can just be left? Or I’ll get into other tips too. Like what is it that we can outsource, right? We can’t outsource everything in our life.

 

00;06;56;07 – 00;07;14;21

Dr. Mona

I wish we could, but if you have a budget saying to yourself, okay, here’s my budget, I actually instead of going to target, maybe I’ll get a order online and just do a pick up so I can save 20 minutes or maybe I’ll get my groceries delivered this week, just using examples of how we can outsource when we can.

 

00;07;14;27 – 00;07;31;04

Dr. Mona

And that also is going to come into the prioritization. And I also respect the fact that sometimes it’s going to be different seasons, right? Sometimes you’re going to have resources like just so you have a grandparent that can help out and they’re visiting. You’re going to feel a little bit more of a weight lifted off your shoulders because you have help.

 

00;07;31;09 – 00;07;50;13

Dr. Mona

And then maybe that grandparent leaves and you don’t have help anymore, and you’re in that season of having to do it all. But you have to look at everything as a season. And really, when you’re getting that change in there, outsourcing opportunities or resources available, that’s going to be when we have to reprioritize again and say, okay, so now my new situation is example.

 

00;07;50;13 – 00;08;11;02

Dr. Mona

My partner is now working nights or my partner is now working more and I’m home. I used to have his help or her help and now I don’t. So now we have to figure out what am I going to do to prioritize here and make sure that I’m not getting overwhelmed. And that’s part of the art of almost organizing the life so that you can actually live it a little bit.

 

00;08;11;05 – 00;08;12;11

Nicole

Right.

 

00;08;12;13 – 00;08;36;08

Dr. Mona

And that’s hard because it’s like using the example of having three children. The schedules are all different, right? I mean, the one year old is probably still on maybe two naps, your four year old maybe is napping or not. And so if you’re kind of utilizing nap time to get things done, maybe utilizing after they go to bed, I always say always prioritize and schedule where you think that you’re accounting for things that are going to go unplanned, right?

 

00;08;36;08 – 00;08;51;19

Dr. Mona

I don’t want us to be so jam packed with everything. And then that way you’re leaving it to the last day. Like, just say you have to go to target to pick up a toy for a friend’s birthday party on Saturday. And then Friday was her plan that you’re going to go and then something comes up and then you’re feeling stressed.

 

00;08;51;24 – 00;09;09;14

Dr. Mona

You want to try to give yourself 2 to 3 day buffer of like, okay, here’s what I need to get done. If it doesn’t get done, it’s not the end of the world. I use an example of having to get a gift for a friend’s birthday party, because sometimes I’ve prioritized that and I can’t get to the store and it’s too late to order something on Amazon.

 

00;09;09;19 – 00;09;26;22

Dr. Mona

And I flat out just tell the mom, hey, love you, I’m coming to the birthday. We do not have the gift. We will get it. And that’s that, right? Because it’s all this expectation. It’s all this like stress that we put on ourselves. But sometimes it’s about communicating when we just can’t get it done. And that’s not failure.

 

00;09;26;22 – 00;09;37;09

Dr. Mona

That’s not anything to be guilty about. That’s just life, right? Sometimes things don’t go according to plan and we can communicate with our loved ones and other people. If it’s like falling in that way, right?

 

00;09;37;12 – 00;09;38;19

Nicole

I agree.

 

00;09;38;21 – 00;09;53;18

Dr. Mona

When you said that there’s guilt, like, do you feel like you have trouble where you are trying to get things done and you feel like you should be doing things in the house, and then you feel like you should be with your kids. Where do you feel the guilt is? Mainly in this situation?

 

00;09;53;21 – 00;10;12;16

Nicole

I think again, it probably has something to do with a little bit of both because, for example, my daughter’s school starts, it’s like a half day program and it starts in the middle of the day. So in the morning I’m just juggling, you know, whether it’s meal time, breakfast and lunch before she goes to school. But it’s also, you know, trying to play with them.

 

00;10;12;16 – 00;10;43;10

Nicole

Like if you see my kitchen right now, it looks like a level four hurricane just came through. But I’ve just accepted the fact that I’m telling myself, okay, my kids are closed, they’re fed. I’ve she’s gone to school and it’s the best that I could do for right now. But there are times when I feel so guilty because I just sit there and think, okay, I wasn’t able to play with them because I’m trying to attend to all these things, whether it’s my one year old needs a diaper change, and then my four year old needs to go to the bathroom, and that happens almost constantly where it’s like, yeah, I need to put them

 

00;10;43;10 – 00;11;01;11

Nicole

down. It’s like, okay, let me go get a drink of water and then I need a diaper change. Can you get me water? And then you realize four hours have gone by and I haven’t even gone to the bathroom yet either. So it’s just this constant juggling act where I think it’s really difficult unless a mom is really in it even.

 

00;11;01;14 – 00;11;22;01

Nicole

I think with maybe our own parents, they just maybe they forgot and they don’t recognize that it is so difficult. But you know, you get a lot of the well, you had three kids, you knew what you were getting yourself into. But it does that mean that it’s justified that I can’t go to the bathroom? Like that’s my fault because I have three kids, so it’s just hard.

 

00;11;22;01 – 00;11;23;05

Nicole

It’s really hard.

 

00;11;23;07 – 00;11;44;07

Dr. Mona

Well, so much to unpack there because to go to that comment about, well, you asked for it. I hate that mentality because it goes into anything we do, right? I use example like a police officer or fireman. Let’s use a fireman as example. Just because they chose to be a fireman, does it mean that they can’t comment on the how scared they are of having injury, like going into a burning house and having smoke inhalation?

 

00;11;44;07 – 00;12;06;02

Dr. Mona

Even though they chose that role, we can have compassion and understanding that. I see that. I see the struggles of your role, right? I see the struggles of being a police officer or being a fireman, being a physician, being whatever we are, we’re same thing with motherhood just because we chose to be mothers, it doesn’t mean that we can’t say that, hey, I really could use this help or I really could use this.

 

00;12;06;02 – 00;12;24;19

Dr. Mona

And I think that’s where the problem lies. Because when you feel like you don’t have that support, when you feel like people are not understanding that I love this. I actually like being a mom, but I’m just tired sometimes. Like it’s true. Some seasons, some days you’re going to feel tired and it’s not that you don’t love or like the role, but it’s a role.

 

00;12;24;22 – 00;12;40;19

Dr. Mona

I know motherhood is not a job, but like any job that we do or any role that we take, there’s going to be times where it’s not rainbows and butterflies, right? It’s this. It’s the I just want to freaking sit down and pee and like, not have anyone yelling my name for five minutes. It’s a lot, you know?

 

00;12;40;19 – 00;12;56;12

Dr. Mona

And like you said, if you add more children to the picture, it feels like you can never get anything done. I understand that completely. I just feel like that’s so hard. And I will say, I always say this to myself. I say this to all moms. You get your glass of water and you go to the bathroom if you need to go.

 

00;12;56;17 – 00;13;13;29

Dr. Mona

I know this may feel harder because your kids are wanting you so bad and just say you have that one year old. You have the four year old. Three and a half is in a situation where they all need you and you need to take care of your basic needs, which is eating, drinking and using the toilet. I mean, that’s not a lot to ask.

 

00;13;13;29 – 00;13;34;02

Dr. Mona

I hear you sometimes it may mean saying to them, hey guys, I love you. I’ll be right back. I’m going to go pee. It doesn’t mean that you go in there for 20 minutes and like, read a newspaper, but you’re going to need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. Right. And then getting the glass of water that may mean that they’re like screaming in your face, talking to you, and you’re going to say, well, I just need to get a glass of water.

 

00;13;34;02 – 00;13;49;00

Dr. Mona

And this happened actually to me this morning, by the way, of this recording is my son was asking, I don’t know why he was asking for thousands of things, like, mom cut my orange and do this, and I said, sorry, I need to just get a glass of water and I need to sit down for a second with you, and I will help you out.

 

00;13;49;03 – 00;14;04;21

Dr. Mona

Sometimes they’re not going to be like, okay, sounds good. But the more you do that, the more that they see that you are just taking that moment in front of them again, you’re not dilly dallying and spending hours, but you’re just taking a moment to take care of yourself. Then we have now prioritize that. Okay, I see you.

 

00;14;04;21 – 00;14;20;25

Dr. Mona

I recognize your needs. I know how important you are to me, but I also need to fill my cup. And that means drinking a glass of water. And I say, oh mommy, really thirsty. I have to drink water. I need to sit. I need to drink water and sit down. And then they realize that, okay, you’re not going anywhere.

 

00;14;20;29 – 00;14;41;10

Dr. Mona

This is what we’re doing here. She will attend to me when she’s done drinking her water or, gosh, water. Use the bathroom and then you’re going to move on, you know? So get the glass of water and pee if you need to. I know sometimes it means putting your child in a safe space. For example, like in a playpen and going, if you need to, you can take your child with you.

 

00;14;41;16 – 00;14;56;21

Dr. Mona

I have never gone to the bathroom with Ryan in my hand ever, and I usually meant that I would either leave him in like a safe sleep space, like when he was an infant, like on his back in a bassinet or cramped, or I would take him in his play area and I’d go to the bathroom, but that’s it.

 

00;14;56;21 – 00;15;13;23

Dr. Mona

I’m going to the bathroom. I’m not like, go to the bathroom without checking the mail and doing that. Right. So it’s okay to do that. Like you can go and use the pee and come back, but your child has to be in a safe environment. Obviously, we’re talking about all these different age groups, you know, so they’re not just getting into unsafe things while you’re and using the bathroom.

 

00;15;13;25 – 00;15;31;07

Nicole

Right? For me, that means the TV and it’s that’s unfortunate. But when you don’t have the help that, you know, I tell myself, I’d rather have them sitting in front of the TV and get screen time versus I’m like, jumping off the couch or for whatever, you know, how go as you turn your head for a second and then something happens.

 

00;15;31;07 – 00;15;50;19

Nicole

So yeah, if it’s two minutes of Miss Rachel or whatever, then I’m okay with that. But sometimes the two minutes turns into 20 minutes because, you know, you’re like, oh, they’re sitting and they’re contained. Let me go on a load of laundry. And I could get that done. But it’s just balance and it’s hard to find the healthy balance.

 

00;15;50;19 – 00;16;04;18

Nicole

But you know, I think a lot of moms can relate and say that it’s going to continuously be a work in progress because every day is different. I mean, kids are moody and some days are good days, some days are bad days, but it’s the same as us.

 

00;16;04;18 – 00;16;19;20

Dr. Mona

Because yes, I’m just going to say we are moody too. I’m not going to. I mean, some days we wake up on the wrong side of the bed just like our kids, right? I’m totally okay to say that, but it’s like today. Like, I felt like I woke up and I felt like everything was snowballing in a non ideal way.

 

00;16;19;20 – 00;16;38;16

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, man, this is not the energy I want to start my day. And it started with a lot of neediness for my child, and then I’m feeling a little more short. Like I understand I’m a little more like annoyed and I’m like, I got it. And it is. Unfortunately, it is on us to kind of control ourselves because our kids don’t have the cognitive or emotional regulation that we do.

 

00;16;38;19 – 00;16;58;05

Dr. Mona

But it’s almost like stepping back and telling yourself when you wake up in the morning, oh, I don’t really sleep well. And saying to yourself, it’s okay that you’re not chipper mommy. Happy mommy every day it’s okay to have not so great days and not feeling bad and having a little bit of more self-compassion when you talk to yourself on those more difficult days.

 

00;16;58;11 – 00;17;11;24

Dr. Mona

Before we got on this recording, I told my husband he was leaving for work. I said, I’m not having a great day today, and it wasn’t that I needed him to do anything. I just was like, I don’t feel like I just feel off. And I’m like, but you know what? It’s a throw away day, which means it’s not.

 

00;17;11;24 – 00;17;28;16

Dr. Mona

This is not going to be forever. This is just a moment I will get through this. And just by saying that to ourselves more, we have a lot more self-compassion. Rather than getting into that cycle of, gosh, why am I such a bad mom? Like, how come I snapped up my son this morning? How come I didn’t do this?

 

00;17;28;16 – 00;17;45;18

Dr. Mona

How can I pack the easy snacks? It’s okay sometimes to do the easy stuff. Like you said, put on the screen time. Give them the easier snack so that you can avoid the battles. You know that they like something for breakfast. You lean in on that, and it’s looking at that big picture as a mom and saying, okay, am I doing this?

 

00;17;45;18 – 00;18;07;02

Dr. Mona

More times than not? Am I not giving my child diversity of activity of food? And I know in the big picture you probably are there. Love there said you said it already then I don’t want us to worry so much about that because it is a big picture. They rather have a mom who is content and getting through the day, rather than a mom who’s just upset all the time, feeling guilty all the time.

 

00;18;07;02 – 00;18;25;05

Dr. Mona

I want you to find that peace by just having more self-compassion for yourself, especially on those really hard days. And if you’re ever feeling like you can’t find that self-compassion, I want you to think about me and you chatting right now. If I told you that, you know I’m having a really hard day, how would you talk to me?

 

00;18;25;05 – 00;18;40;07

Dr. Mona

Your friend. Right? How would you talk to someone who you love so dearly? Like another mom? You would probably be supportive or you probably be very compassionate. You say, hey, look, I get it like, this is so tough, you know, how do you think you can changes? You wouldn’t beat her up and say, well, I wouldn’t have done that.

 

00;18;40;10 – 00;18;58;29

Dr. Mona

I wouldn’t have had three kids. So show yourself the same level of compassion that you would your best friend. Because we don’t do that as women, we tend to always berate ourselves and say, well, you’re not good enough. And it comes from the external noise. It comes from maybe our own insecurities that we’re not good enough. But you are.

 

00;18;58;29 – 00;19;21;02

Dr. Mona

You have three beautiful children in this world. I have a feeling they really love you. Even on the hard days when you feel like you maybe yelled more or caved in more, doesn’t matter. But you’re going to look at that big picture and you’re going to look at the love you’re bringing into that children’s life. And then you’re also going to look at, well, how can I, like I said, already create a sustainability plan, look at prioritizing, look at all the things so that I can create more balance.

 

00;19;21;02 – 00;19;27;00

Dr. Mona

And like you said, it’s a very nuanced situation, household to household, mom to mom.

 

00;19;27;02 – 00;19;58;01

Nicole

Yes, that’s true because and you know, now it’s you also have to remember that, like you said, it is a season. I mean, I’m not going to lie to you that there are more hard days than easier days at the moment because everyone’s needs are similar and yet so different because, you know, they are so close in age to where I feel like I’m just constantly on autopilot, like every day is kind of just I hate to say this, but it’s just getting through the day and making sure that the necessities are done.

 

00;19;58;07 – 00;20;15;08

Nicole

You know? Of course the kids are always going to be the priority, but it’s just hard when, you know, you walk into the house and you tell yourself it’s okay, they’re safe and that’s what matters. And then you walk in and you see the mess that has transpired from three hours before that and you haven’t gone to it.

 

00;20;15;08 – 00;20;39;18

Nicole

But I guess it’s like you said, to just giving yourself some self-compassion and even just finding coping mechanisms, whether that’s like, you know, maybe even if it’s just like writing a daily task list and just, I don’t know. Yeah. Scratching things off and like, that’ll make me feel. And maybe even other moms, just like you accomplished something for that day because it’s all about the little wins I feel sometimes.

 

00;20;39;20 – 00;20;54;28

Dr. Mona

Oh, absolutely. And like at the end of every day, like, I know a lot of people don’t like it, but I’m big on writing, like on a physical paper or journaling, not on our cellphones, because it’s not the same. Okay? It’s not like. But every night especially, it’s so important to do these off days that were more difficult.

 

00;20;55;05 – 00;21;10;24

Dr. Mona

And I did this last night because I was so drained and I was like feeling the energy vibe. And I journal and there’s so many different strategies for journaling. But one thing that really helps is, like you said earlier, we tend to when we look at that never ending checklist, the never ending checklist can feel like things that are test you.

 

00;21;10;25 – 00;21;33;24

Dr. Mona

Right? I gotta buy my kids clothes. I got a meal prep. I gotta make sure that I signed up for this preschool tuition and all that. It’s nothing exciting. It’s all just a checklist. Right? I want you to, at the end of every day, put something on paper of the things that you did do that was incredible. Normally I get really frustrated in this situation, and today I actually was, you know, held my ground.

 

00;21;33;24 – 00;21;53;07

Dr. Mona

It was very cool. Or, you know, today we had this laughter filled moment with my children. So I want us to look at our day not as the checklist of all the mundane things that absolutely happen and is a reality in motherhood. But I want us to look back and reflect on the day of the things that made us tilt our cup of joy, right?

 

00;21;53;07 – 00;22;08;12

Dr. Mona

The the laughter, the the, the, the winds that we had, like you said, and write it down so that when you go through your week, you can refer back to it and be like, look at me, look at what we’re doing as a family here, because we tend to get so bogged down in the what am I not doing?

 

00;22;08;12 – 00;22;28;18

Dr. Mona

What did I did not accomplish today? You know, I didn’t get through anything I expected to, but we forget how much we actually did do. And it’s a huge mindset shift of saying, look at all the things I did do. Like this is pretty incredible. And that requires us to like, look at those things and allow those things to fill our brain with positivity versus thinking of all the things that we didn’t get done.

 

00;22;28;20 – 00;22;49;18

Nicole

Yeah, because then it’s just going to be a never ending battle within yourself, because at the end of the day, you always want to do more. I think it’s very hard to get to a place where you feel like you’re content with what’s happened, you know, in the bigger picture, but it’s like you said, writing down the small things that were accomplish is probably the best way to go about it.

 

00;22;49;18 – 00;23;18;28

Nicole

Because if not, I think we would just continuously be in this vicious cycle of trying to accomplish it all when at the end of the day, all that matters is everyone is loved and safe and things like that, because motherhood is just a roller coaster of emotions. And yeah, it’s like you said, it’s not just physical tasks that need to get done, it’s the mental aspect of it too, where it’s like, do they have enough diapers that are going to last through the week?

 

00;23;18;28 – 00;23;27;14

Nicole

You know, it’s just the little things that just add up and that drive us a little bit crazier, you know? So it’s just a tough roll.

 

00;23;27;17 – 00;23;46;11

Dr. Mona

It is. And, you know, using that example of all that mental load, right. Like the amount of things that are on our mind at any given moment for our children and not for ourselves, that can make us feel even less like us. Right? I mean, when you’re doing so much for other people, which is what mothers and some fathers, but mothers especially like, we take on a lot of that load, right?

 

00;23;46;11 – 00;23;49;09

Dr. Mona

Like the diapers. If you don’t get the diapers, you’re not going to have diapers.

 

00;23;49;09 – 00;23;50;00

Nicole

Exactly.

 

00;23;50;00 – 00;24;10;06

Dr. Mona

You have to think about when I talked about outsourcing and asking for help, right. So just say people are listening. If you have a partner. I can’t stress this enough. Like, I’ve been in this situation where both me and my husband both work. I actually work more than my husband hours wise. In a week like outside the home in terms of the job, and I felt like the at home responsibilities were falling largely on me.

 

00;24;10;11 – 00;24;29;14

Dr. Mona

It’s sitting in a non resentful, non-judgmental way of hey, here’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m feeling like I don’t have enough time to get this stuff done. I would love some help. It’s conversations. Again, I it’s such as personal conversation because it depends on resources in the family, whether both parents are working outside the home, what the setup is.

 

00;24;29;14 – 00;24;47;21

Dr. Mona

But it’s a mother’s feeling overwhelmed. Whether she is a has a paid job outside the home, whether she is a stay at home mom. I don’t care if she’s feeling overwhelmed. There needs to be communication with someone, whether it’s the partner or saying, hey, I am feeling this way. I’m not asking you to baby me, but to me.

 

00;24;47;21 – 00;25;02;18

Dr. Mona

I just want you to know that I’m feeling this. And what can we do to make this better? And maybe it is just figuring out, like I said, looking at the resources and outsourcing and things like that. Because I do know that when you are doing so much for so many other people, that means less time for yourself.

 

00;25;02;22 – 00;25;19;07

Dr. Mona

And the idea is that we want to create these little pockets for self too, and it tends to be for a lot of moms when the children are sleeping. So nap times or after nap time, but sometimes even saying just you have a partner, hey, I really could use just two hours every day. Let’s just say we’re staying home.

 

00;25;19;07 – 00;25;45;23

Dr. Mona

Mom, I really could use two hours so that I can do things without a child yelling in my ear, or just do things for myself, work out whatever it is. One hour even and pocketing that in so that we aren’t feeling like we’re on that hamster wheel and doing that never ending checklist because it just goes from you wake up and your brain’s on fire and going on overdrive to the moment you lay your head down and you’re still going on overdrive because you literally have a checklist 24 hours, seven days a week.

 

00;25;45;25 – 00;26;02;13

Dr. Mona

You can’t even sleep well because it’s like you feel like you have so much to do, literally. Then you’re like, okay, your kid wakes up and you have three feet. You’re like, one of them wakes up one night, the other one, like there doesn’t seem to ever be, as mothers, a moment that we can just rest our brain and say, okay, like I said at the beginning, I feel at peace.

 

00;26;02;20 – 00;26;17;13

Dr. Mona

I feel a little calm. And so sometimes that means that we have to again reclaim it in many ways and say, I’m going to take this moment. I’m going to sit on this couch. You guys are going to watch TV. If that’s the example you know, you use, I’m going to just take this moment and I’m going to savor it.

 

00;26;17;13 – 00;26;36;11

Dr. Mona

I’m just going to sit with this feeling, take some deep breaths, drink my coffee, drink my water, or go use the restroom. Obviously I have to keep repeating the safety aspect, but do that, you know, take those moments. The other thing I wanted to say when you’re talking about the chaotic mornings is really utilizing our children’s developmental level to help us.

 

00;26;36;11 – 00;26;55;28

Dr. Mona

So you have a four and a half year old. Yeah. So the four and a half year old could obviously use a stool to get up to get the water, help you. Right. Like they can’t obviously do the things that we do. But utilizing the children’s developmental ability to help you in small ways. So just say your three and a half year old needed water or your one year old one in water.

 

00;26;55;28 – 00;27;19;07

Dr. Mona

Just give me an example. Utilizing that four and a half year old and saying, hey, I’ll really have breakfast. Do you think you can help mommy by getting me some water? Or do you think you can help mommy by cracking these eggs? And it may seem like, oh my gosh, it’s gonna take much longer, but if you’re multitask, asking and doing so much as it is, having any pair of hands that can help you get the water, especially your older child, and this is going to be something useful as you grow with these children.

 

00;27;19;07 – 00;27;35;15

Dr. Mona

Is that when that older child becomes 6 or 7, you’re not placing a burden on them. By making them do all these things, you’re doing it with them. They’re helping you so that you can help the family. And incorporating these children and these responsibilities helps a lot from a tour standpoint, because developmentally they like it. They like to feel involved.

 

00;27;35;15 – 00;27;49;21

Dr. Mona

Right. And say, hey, oh, you want to mix this up for me? So you make oatmeal. Do you want to mix this up? Oh, good. And then you will have to feed it obviously to the one year old which is or help the one year old eat it. But that’s kind of how we can utilize our own children as well in a positive way.

 

00;27;49;21 – 00;28;12;04

Dr. Mona

Right? In a developmentally appropriate way where we’re with them, we’re guiding them and they’re helping the family. And that’s what a lot of my families who have like 6 or 7 kids in my head, I’m like, wow, like, how do you do it? Like, this is incredible. But I know that they utilize in a good way. The older children are not like, they have to do it situation like you’re responsible for your younger sibling, you know, it should never be like that.

 

00;28;12;08 – 00;28;19;24

Dr. Mona

But I say, hey, this is a family unit. We’re going to help each other out. Like, I hope you all, we’re going to help each other. And it’s more of a positive thing that way.

 

00;28;19;26 – 00;28;48;26

Nicole

Yeah. And I think it’s a win win because not only is some of that burden falling off of the mom, but it’s something that we could maybe even do together if it is making breakfast, for example. And so, you know, where if I’m feeling guilty, like I’m not spending enough time with them, at least if I’m making breakfast and instead of me just trying to rush through it because I just want to get it done so I can move on to the next task, I can just have the two older ones make it with me, and we can just like, make it a fun experience versus something that’s like, okay, I need to do it

 

00;28;48;26 – 00;29;18;10

Nicole

and just get the breakfast on the table. And it’s like you said, two as moms, we have to look out for ourselves because I think naturally when moms have children and I don’t think it comes from a malicious place, I just think people tend to forget about the moms, right? It’s all about the children and the husbands for the most part, and it’s not in every situation if they’re the ones that are the sole provider of the family, are the ones that are going in, you know, doing their thing, and then it’s all about, okay, the kids, the kids, the kids.

 

00;29;18;10 – 00;29;38;25

Nicole

I think it’s sometimes something as little as dinner’s getting served. You know, the moms usually are the ones who eat last, right? And sometimes I even try to remind myself maybe I should be the first one to eat. Because you know how mealtimes go with kids. You know, whether you have 1 or 3, it’s never, you know, a stress free situation where they’re going to sit down and eat their meal maybe some days.

 

00;29;38;25 – 00;29;56;13

Nicole

But I know for me at least, that never happens. It’s just a struggle. And, you know, there’s usually some type of resistance. So I think something and then, you know, by the time they’re done eating, you’ve become so overwhelmed and you’ve lost your appetite, you don’t even want to eat anymore. So I think something is so silly as eating before them.

 

00;29;56;13 – 00;30;16;26

Nicole

I don’t know, it’s just finding little things to, I guess, put yourself first because it’s like you said, if you’re happy, then the kids feed off of that energy. But we have to be the ones looking out for ourselves because people tend to forget about us. I think that’s what I’ve gathered so far. I don’t know, yes, that’s not in a mean way, but I just think like, you know, you get phone calls.

 

00;30;17;02 – 00;30;22;22

Nicole

Oh, I didn’t call to talk to you. I want to talk, you know, like I want to see the kids and you’re just like, oh, but I’m a person, too.

 

00;30;22;25 – 00;30;41;25

Dr. Mona

Yeah, yeah. Even with one child, it feels like when you add more children to the picture, we lose more of ourselves in terms of the your ability to be able to have autonomy and do what you want to do because you’re being spread, of course. And I know it seems hard in a better way. Having the support and resources would be the better answer than us having to dish out time and do that.

 

00;30;41;25 – 00;30;59;12

Dr. Mona

But when we’re in this situation, like I said, we when we’re faced with the reality, our two choices are either change the reality or figure out how to work with the reality we’re in. Right. Like, I feel like oftentimes we can sit there and lament a situation over and over. That’s not to say that maybe that situation needs to change 100%.

 

00;30;59;12 – 00;31;17;09

Dr. Mona

I’m not denying that. But until it changes, we gotta work towards maybe changing it. But until it changes and our option is we have to live with it, right? We got to figure out how am I going to, like you said, find pockets, find ways to reclaim my piece. And eating is one of those examples. I agree. Like it should get it doesn’t always.

 

00;31;17;09 – 00;31;37;15

Dr. Mona

It should get easier as a child gets older. Like when you have an infant. It’s really hard because you know you have to help them with feeding a little more. There’s a lot more messing it up. But as we get older, looking at that lead at the end of the tunnel, is that really sitting down as a family and saying, okay, it’s dinner time and it’s that child’s running away from the dining table saying verbally and saying, okay, well, we’re eating dinner.

 

00;31;37;15 – 00;31;55;23

Dr. Mona

I’m going to finish eating my dinner. Remember, it’s here if you want it, you can come back to the dining table without, you know, playing power struggles, getting them back and doing that and making it again a very calm, matter of fact situation that it’s meal time. But I recognize that when a child is younger, it’s, you know, like an infant or toddler baby, like under 18 months, you have one of those.

 

00;31;55;29 – 00;32;20;02

Dr. Mona

It can be harder because, yes, I mean, you’re having to help and guide them. They’re not proficient with the spoon yet. Like there’s a lot more having to be there. But yes, then it becomes after I finish or before I finish with that younger child, then I will take care and eat for myself. And I respect the fact that it’s not always going to be pristine eating conditions where it’s quiet, no one’s hanging off your leg like it’s almost like we have to, in a way, learn that that’s the reality.

 

00;32;20;02 – 00;32;39;26

Dr. Mona

And then when you do get anyone in the house to help, I just say partner or someone else is there asking like, hey, I could really use this meal. Like I want to just eat on my own right now. Can you handle this for today? And then I’ll take it tomorrow, like again. That communication aspect of hey, what do I need to do to balance a little more so I can get those moments and pockets of peace like we talk about.

 

00;32;39;28 – 00;33;00;14

Nicole

Right? Yeah. In communication again, like you said, it just ultimately I think is always going to fall back on just communication. And it’s going to look different for everybody because everyone’s situation is so different. But nothing will change unless we openly communicate and are transparent with what our needs are and what we’re feeling day in and day out.

 

00;33;00;14 – 00;33;14;29

Nicole

Because sometimes I get into this habit of like wanting, you know, not that it’s terrible resentment, but you look at your partner, for example, and you just feel this like sometimes we expect people to just know, right. And to do and but they can’t read our minds. So like.

 

00;33;15;00 – 00;33;31;10

Dr. Mona

This. Yeah, I see this all the time. They can’t. And it’s really so important. And again there is an art of it of like expressing it in a way that’s not filled with, well, you don’t do this right. That’s not going to go anywhere. Like imagine you’re having any conversation. But I get it. I get the feeling of frustration.

 

00;33;31;10 – 00;33;51;09

Dr. Mona

But it’s really saying I statements right, like I feel or I could use or I’m feeling this way, I believe this way versus you, you, you, you, you. And I can’t guarantee how that’s going to go. Right? Like you said, it’s every situation is different. But the more we do that and say, hey, look, I’m feeling this like, could we possibly look at our getting our resources to see what we can outsource?

 

00;33;51;09 – 00;34;07;27

Dr. Mona

Who I can ask for help just so that I am not feeling that bogged down. I hope that there is more communication that way. Like you said. So hopefully help ourselves and help each other so that we’re better parents in terms of being more at peace in our minds and not feeling that never ending checklist is over consuming us.

 

00;34;08;00 – 00;34;41;28

Nicole

Exactly. Yeah. And I think a lot of it too is just accepting that it is a season that will obviously change. And I mean, the seasons change so quickly too. I mean, it’s so different and I mean every few months you could like developmentally, the kids are just constantly changing and things are different and there’s just constant evolvement where it’s just, I guess, reminding yourself at the end of the day that it is only temporary and we are doing our best and reminding ourselves that we should give ourselves grace because no one’s doing it perfectly.

 

00;34;42;02 – 00;34;44;25

Nicole

Even if people tell you that they’re not struggling. I highly doubt that.

 

00;34;44;27 – 00;35;06;03

Dr. Mona

Yes, everyone goes through something, right? Absolutely. Yeah. Again, I will say that some people, some people have gotten really good at handling struggle. And this doesn’t mean that they’re not struggling. So we have to respect the fact that every human being, every person on this planet experiences difficulty and hardships. The difference could be that someone faces it in a different way, right?

 

00;35;06;03 – 00;35;21;06

Dr. Mona

Like they look at a situation and they are struggling, but they learn. How am I going to cope with this? What am I going to do? What are the resources? I’m going to change their attitude. Yes. The human experience. We have to respect the fact that everyone struggles. I actually find that to be a more reassuring concept.

 

00;35;21;06 – 00;35;49;11

Dr. Mona

It’s not like a oh well, thank God everyone struggles. It’s a I find peace knowing that I’m not alone in this motherhood journey, that I’m not alone in the experiences that I’m feeling. Like what you’re going through, feeling like this pulled in different directions, never ending checklist. Going back to the beginning, even though no two situations are exactly the same, the fact that you know that women out there are struggling with motherhood in general, it can feel like you’re not alone and that I’m going to do this like, that woman can do it, I’m going to do it.

 

00;35;49;11 – 00;36;21;02

Dr. Mona

And it doesn’t mean that we’re going to accomplish this. Amazing. Like, okay, I’m going to make these fancy meals or do this not I’m talking. And when I say do it, I’m talking about getting through it right, doing it and finding the peace and finding all the stuff we know we can do it. It’s just, again, having those conversations with yourself more and more, especially if you do this hard days, because sometimes no one’s going to tell you, like you said earlier, beautifully, that you have to tell yourself that, yeah, I’m like a badass mom, and I’m doing amazing things for myself and my kids, and no day is going to be always easy

 

00;36;21;02 – 00;36;28;02

Dr. Mona

breezy, especially when you have young children. But I’m doing it. And I did amazing things today, and I love myself. And I love my children.

 

00;36;28;04 – 00;36;47;05

Nicole

Yeah, exactly. And that’s what, you know, sometimes I just have to just sit there and take a moment and just realize that, like you just said, everyone’s got their struggles. Nobody’s struggles need to be justified. As you know, just because somebody is, you know, there’s always going to be somebody struggling more than you are and in a really different way.

 

00;36;47;05 – 00;37;08;21

Nicole

And it’s just about remembering, though, that it’s those hardships. So that I think, at the end of the day, are what make everyone’s situation so unique, obviously. And just remembering that, you know, it ties into the mom guilt, who is sometimes when you feel like you’re so overwhelmed and being tied in all these different directions is sometimes, then you feel guilty because you don’t want to come off as feel.

 

00;37;08;21 – 00;37;27;09

Nicole

It’s sounding ungrateful because there are, you know, maybe there’s a next mom that would do anything to be in that specific situation, for example. But I think it’s just I guess, like you said, just coming to that realization that you’re doing the best that you can no matter what, because I guess it’s like the tying back to the same common message, right?

 

00;37;27;09 – 00;37;47;11

Nicole

That like, we’re all in this together. And even though it’s sometimes it feels like we’re not, but we are and just realizing that it does get better and maybe, you know, it becomes different. I guess I always say the second you think you have it, you know, down pack, the kids throw, you another curveball, like, yeah, parenting is going to always be a struggle, I feel.

 

00;37;47;11 – 00;37;59;29

Nicole

And that’s what I’m learning. You know, it’s never I think even when they’re like 30 years old and married, we’re just going to still be struggling in a different way. Right. But it’ll probably be hopefully a lot more manageable way, I would hope. Yeah.

 

00;38;00;04 – 00;38;15;08

Dr. Mona

Well, I love this. It’s not like things always get better, it’s just that we get better at handling life and situations. Right. So like you said perfectly that in parenting, I do agree that there are seasons that are more difficult. Like I do believe that under five it’s a lot because they need a lot more things, right? Like the infant.

 

00;38;15;08 – 00;38;37;13

Dr. Mona

Like I said, it is more hands on, but there are struggles in a school age kid or a teenage kid. But it’s our approach, right? It’s how we are approaching these situations and saying, okay, here is the reality I’m in right now. And like I said, this is the reality. I have two options. I either change my reality or change my circumstances and work to that, or I change how I’m approaching this reality right now.

 

00;38;37;13 – 00;38;55;06

Dr. Mona

And that is that mindset that we talk about. And oftentimes, like you said earlier about the gratitude piece, I agree with what you’re saying, but it also is okay to admit with the people that you love that are closest to you, right? You don’t need to go telling all these random people your issues, but say, I had a really hard day today, but I know that this is not forever.

 

00;38;55;13 – 00;39;14;06

Dr. Mona

That’s how I practice gratitude, because I like to admit that things are hard. It is hard sometimes. It’s very hard. I’m not going to sugarcoat it at all. Like it is very hard doing what we do as mothers. But I also, when I’m focusing on that gratitude, I tell myself, it’s really hard right now. And like you said perfectly, that we talked about in this episode, it’s not forever.

 

00;39;14;06 – 00;39;34;16

Dr. Mona

This is a point in the life of my entire livelihood. This is just going to look like a blip in the past, right? This is just a moment in time. I am stronger than the circumstances I’m in. I can get through it, and it makes me feel more gratitude for my resilience. See, it makes me feel more gratitude for my role, but it doesn’t diminish the difficulty, right?

 

00;39;34;16 – 00;39;54;25

Dr. Mona

I think sometimes we think, oh well, if I’m complaining all the time that I’m not grateful. And on the flip side, if I’m practicing so much grateful, people won’t realize that it is hard and that maybe I am grateful. But you can be both. You can have the gratitude. You can feel it. Life is hard, but I like leaning in on gratitude, not because it’s a toxic positivity thing, but it’s what helps us get through the hard days, right?

 

00;39;54;25 – 00;40;14;16

Dr. Mona

Like saying it is hard. Do not ever deny the hard in your life, but also saying at the end that it is hard, but I am capable, I am loved, I love myself, like again, all that positive self-talk so that we can grow through the difficulty and then come out the other end and be like you know, five years down the line, I’m sure if I talk to you, you’re going to be like, doctor.

 

00;40;14;22 – 00;40;31;18

Dr. Mona

I remember when I came on and I was struggling. Now I feel like things are just on autopilot a little bit. I feel like I have more time to myself sometimes. You probably feel like you have too much time to yourself, and then I hope you can get to that spot of realization that, yes, seasons will change and your mindset is the most important thing in all of this.

 

00;40;31;20 – 00;40;50;16

Nicole

Oh, for sure. And then just I also think that focusing on our energies, on the things that we can control, I think also as moms fall into the habit of, you know, spiraling down these rabbit holes of things that we can’t control, you know, but and it’s like you just said so nicely, to the end of the day, the kids are going to remember the positive things.

 

00;40;50;16 – 00;41;12;09

Nicole

They’re not going to remember that I had three laundry baskets full of clothes for the last three weeks. You’re going to remember Sunday morning breakfast, for example. You know, those missed the little things that made their childhood special and unique and not the other things that we think are making their childhood bad, for example, you know, so it’s just, again, coming within ourselves.

 

00;41;12;11 – 00;41;13;03

Nicole

Oh, motherhood.

 

00;41;13;03 – 00;41;25;02

Dr. Mona

Right. I love it so much, Nicole, thank you so much. I hope this was helpful just to chat about this. Know that you’re not alone. Hopefully get some strategies and some things that didn’t really benefit. But yes, I loved chatting with you about all this today.

 

00;41;25;03 – 00;41;27;29

Nicole

Yeah. Thank you. Me too. Thank you for having me. It was fun.

 

00;41;28;05 – 00;41;54;04

Dr. Mona

Thank you so I love having conversations like this on the show, conversations with moms from the doctor community, talking about real life things that we go through, the ups and downs. It’s so important. As much as I love sharing things about tantrums, picky eating, body treating, infant sleep, toddler sleep and development and health and all of the things child health, development and parenting.

 

00;41;54;10 – 00;42;14;21

Dr. Mona

I feel like these heart to hearts are so important to remember. As you wrap up this episode, make sure that you focus on how to prioritize the things that are important and letting go of the things that can wait. Make sure you ask for help. Make sure you lean on your support squad, whether that is your partner, people that you can outsource things to.

 

00;42;14;24 – 00;42;40;08

Dr. Mona

Look at your family’s resources, which includes time and money to figure out how you can free up more space in your life. And also if you have older children, utilize your children in their developmental capacity. Make chores around the house a family affair. This is also important for their development. We’re not putting the responsibility of child rearing on another child, but we’re incorporating them in ways that they can help you so that you can free up more time.

 

00;42;40;10 – 00;42;59;05

Dr. Mona

And the most important thing, which I mentioned to Nicole, please, please practice more self-compassion. We beat ourselves up so much as parents, especially as moms, but you’re doing a lot more than you think. Remember, if you loved this episode, make sure you leave a review and a rating or share it on Instagram and tag me at PedsDocTalk so I can reshare it.

 

00;42;59;10 – 00;43;04;29

Dr. Mona

I can see the love, and I can’t wait to have more conversations with parents and professionals on the show.