All human relationships we carry can open up triggers from our past. Parenting is one of those moments where we may realize the good and the not so good we have carrier from our childhood. On this episode, I talk with Patrick Teahan who is a licensed clinical social worker and father about HOW and WHY parenting can open up triggers from childhood.

We discuss:

The subtle and not so subtle ways parenting opens up childhood triggers
What “inner-child” work is and why it’s important when you become a parent
How to approach triggers that arise in parenting in a healthy way

You can sign up to Patricks Monthly Healing Community at patrickteahantherapy.gumroad.com/l/monthlyhealingcircle

Transcript

00;00;01;01 – 00;00;17;01

Patrick Teahan

We parent the way that we are parenting. And we tend to be better actual parents with our own physical children, but with ourselves and our child where that’s the place where we really parent ourselves the weight of your parent. And so we just might dismiss our own feelings like that kind of stuff.

00;00;17;04 – 00;00;37;04

Dr. Mona

Hey everyone, welcome back to the show. I continue to get to talk to the most amazing guests on this podcast who have conversations about parenthood, child health development, and so much more. So thank you for tuning in to the podcast and being here today, and for all of the reviews you leave so that more people can continue to find the PedsDocTalk podcast.

00;00;37;06 – 00;00;51;13

Dr. Mona

Today’s guest is Patrick Teahan, who is a licensed clinical social worker, content creator and father. And we’re talking about triggers that are unloaded when you become a parent. Thank you so much for joining me today, Patrick.

00;00;51;15 – 00;00;52;26

Patrick Teahan

Thanks for having me. How are you?

00;00;53;01 – 00;01;08;13

Dr. Mona

I’m good. I’m so excited that we could connect. This is a topic that I think is so important. And sometimes parents don’t realize this. And I think having the awareness and conversation is very, very vital. So tell us more about yourself and why this topic is important to you.

00;01;08;15 – 00;01;32;26

Patrick Teahan

Well, primarily it’s like for what I do as a childhood trauma therapists, I work with adults who have been through childhood trauma, and I’m really I study a lot about dysfunctional family systems. I come from one. And then the interesting thing is just juxtaposing that, having grown up in the stuff and then becoming a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband, and then a father.

00;01;32;28 – 00;01;56;04

Patrick Teahan

So I often think about like there are plateaus, new levels of intimacy comes with new levels of triggering. So it’s like when we move in with our partner to be, you know what I mean. Like there’s a new now we’re going to try to do some conflict or a new part of fights come up and then as we’re getting through like a wedding process or a bonding process in some way, like in-laws, new level.

00;01;56;06 – 00;02;18;03

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. But I really think that with kids, especially for couples, it is like kind of like where I want to focus this stuff on because it was our hardest spot was to maintain as a team when you have children under five, to be blunt. It’s kind of a nightmare. You know, I think it’s really, really hard, even for individuals that come from a healthier family systems.

00;02;18;06 – 00;02;35;26

Patrick Teahan

But for those who come from childhood trauma, it’s just really, really hard. So I think that the more that we can educate and the more that we can offer ideas and solutions and awareness, if a couple can make it through those first five years and still feel like a bonded team, like that’s kind of a miracle.

00;02;35;28 – 00;03;10;12

Dr. Mona

Yes. And it’s so important because you’re simultaneously having to raise a kid, which in my perspective as a pediatrician, the first five years I was the first seven years of a child’s life are extremely important in teaching them the foundation of healthy coping, a relationship with food, sleep, I mean, so important to me. And then you’re also, like you’re saying, having to also recognize all of the things that are coming from your past relationship with your spouse or partner if you have one, and then the relationship between you and your child and you and yourself, it’s such a pivotal time and again, I think it’s so important to have these quote unquote uncomfortable conversations, you

00;03;10;12 – 00;03;12;19

Dr. Mona

know, because it can be a little uncomfortable.

00;03;12;21 – 00;03;44;06

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. Absolutely. Right. And the work that I do is I have individuals connect with their inner child and try to parent themselves. But then sometimes my clients are trying to re parent their inner child while being actual parents in reality themselves. Yes. And my mentor statement is something like we parent the way that we were parented. And we tend to be better actual parents with our own physical children, but with ourselves and our child, where that’s the place where we really parent ourselves the way that we were parented.

00;03;44;06 – 00;04;06;20

Patrick Teahan

So we just might dismiss our own feelings like that kind of stuff. But why I say that is that when we actually have our own children is there is like a new level of triggers that we didn’t even know about until, like we come up and, you know, like sort of like getting like, say, getting frustrated with your three year old or something like that, or feeling just the trigger around.

00;04;06;20 – 00;04;21;01

Patrick Teahan

Let’s just say you have a child is a toddler in daycare, and your inner child is interpreting that they’re being bullied or there’s a problem and it could really be a problem. But like, that’s such a triggering experience based upon hopefully I’m making sense here.

00;04;21;06 – 00;04;22;02

Dr. Mona

Yeah, absolutely.

00;04;22;02 – 00;04;46;12

Patrick Teahan

About like if someone was bullied or someone was severely neglected in their childhood or blamed for everything, like that’s what I mean about sort of parenting triggers that can come up, you know, or classic thing. And I know I’m rambling a little bit is that let’s just say your partner is trying to gently discipline the toddler. But discipline is a trigger for you because you were overly disciplined.

00;04;46;15 – 00;04;51;08

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. So it’s like that kind of stuff. It’s a bit of a meshed kind of mess in the beginning.

00;04;51;10 – 00;05;08;09

Dr. Mona

So you know you mentioned like you get into these relationships so you have a fiance and then you move in together and then you have marriage. Do you feel like parenting is the ultimate of these unloading of the triggers, or do you think it’s every relationship? But is it special to parenting that it can really unload so much more from your childhood?

00;05;08;11 – 00;05;09;00

Patrick Teahan

I think.

00;05;09;00 – 00;05;09;28

Dr. Mona

Well.

00;05;10;00 – 00;05;11;11

Patrick Teahan

Can you give me an example where else.

00;05;11;11 – 00;05;34;00

Dr. Mona

It would go? So an example, I can give you a personal example. So my husband and I, you know, we got engaged or we started dating about ten years ago from the time of this recording. And then we got married six years ago and we, you know, understood that we have our childhood. But for my husband, it wasn’t until he had my son Ryan, or we had our son Ryan, that he really realized the trauma and the things that happened in his childhood that weren’t working.

00;05;34;00 – 00;05;51;18

Dr. Mona

So he almost kind of realized it in our relationship. But it really became more apparent when he had a little child in front of him, and he realized his insecurities and realized that so more so like, is it that parenthood opens up even more than other relationships? Okay. And so you agree that that that’s a possibility, right?

00;05;51;21 – 00;06;11;13

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. In in places for childhood trauma, it can be a breakup. It can be a job. But when it comes to becoming a parent or now having a wife and, you know, the trigger is going back, it’s a little bit like our inner child says is, oh, now I’m part of a family and I don’t like that.

00;06;11;15 – 00;06;23;13

Patrick Teahan

So that’s one kind of way we can think about it. Meaning that like the partner now gets married and then now you’re in a couple hood and a team. And now that’s more the subconscious really says oh no I’m in a family again.

00;06;23;16 – 00;06;25;12

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Interesting. Yes.

00;06;25;14 – 00;07;01;18

Patrick Teahan

Intimacy and stuff. But it’s also many of us is parenting. And I really think that like partnership and parenting is a little bit like the final frontier of intimacy. For someone on a healing journey. But yes, to answer your question is like at the very, very commons, true to my own story and probably applicable to it, like much like your husband is when I became a dad, then there was sort of like a new layer of the onion that came up around my own neglect, a new layer of like sort of triggers or, you know, and it’s we’re a combination of we might absorb things that our parents do, like being frustrated or angry

00;07;01;18 – 00;07;28;08

Patrick Teahan

when things come up, or we often do other things in a totally opposite direction, like, let’s just say you were overly disciplined. And the opposite is you become like a people pleaser with your toddler. And like that’s not good for them. Sort of like assertive enough or firm enough in a cool way, you know, because you just I see that a lot with my patients who are trauma survivors is they have a hard time going into boundaries and discipline because that was used as a weapon when they were kids, you know?

00;07;28;11 – 00;07;38;02

Dr. Mona

Yeah. So they’re afraid of doing it too much. So they haven’t found their balance of like, not repeating the things that didn’t work, but also having to do healthy boundaries, which are very important for children. I agree with you.

00;07;38;09 – 00;07;55;06

Patrick Teahan

Right. So it’s very, very common. I think for most of us, when we have kids, there’s a new layer of onion that kind of presents itself. And I always say like related to what you said about your husband is it’s trauma always kind of bites us in the ass. Meaning that we’re just going along in our life.

00;07;55;06 – 00;08;16;02

Patrick Teahan

We’re in our 20s and we’re dating somebody, and then something really comes up and say a breakup and there’s an opportunity to look at our childhood. And parenting is definitely one of those places that we kind of go, oh my, what what is this? You know, and we really start to have these reckonings about what was going on for us as kids.

00;08;16;05 – 00;08;33;05

Dr. Mona

Do you feel, though, like in your work? Because I almost feel like taking your example of a breakup, right. So basically you’re having a breakup and you are not yet a parent. Do you feel like people realize, like how they respond to the breakup? Or maybe they’re finding the same type of partner and it’s a pattern and they’re blaming the partner and not understanding that?

00;08;33;05 – 00;08;50;09

Dr. Mona

Well, what is it that you also are looking for and attracting? Right. Like, do you feel like people understand at that age that they have to look back into their childhood? I feel like a lot of people don’t gain that awareness until older. Like, I feel like so many people like I talked to are like, you know, they have these patterns.

00;08;50;09 – 00;08;58;15

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, this pattern is coming from your childhood and you don’t realize it. Like, do you feel like people are like blown away when you bring that up? Like, hey, this is from your childhood?

00;08;58;17 – 00;09;18;10

Patrick Teahan

Yes. And I think that it really comes down to almost like when people kind of awaken to this stuff, when things do bite them in the ass, when it’s a little bit like a hitting of a bottom, we kind of might have an inkling that you might date a narcissistic, unavailable person, or you might date someone that is like a restoration project for you.

00;09;18;10 – 00;09;35;25

Patrick Teahan

You might have a little bit of an inkling, but until it gets bad, the person usually doesn’t awaken. Yeah, until it really, you know. And sometimes people never awaken and really look at their conditioning. Or as, like Carl Jung said, the greatest. Something like the quote of, like, the greatest gift for us is to make the unconscious conscious.

00;09;36;22 – 00;09;53;15

Patrick Teahan

You know, but it’s these moments becoming a parent, losing your own parent, losing a job or noticing a pattern with yourself or realizing you’ve had an addiction for a long time. It’s like a reckoning. It’s a wild ride to wake up to stuff to actually freaks people out. That’s it.

00;09;53;15 – 00;09;54;06

Dr. Mona

Does I.

00;09;54;10 – 00;10;01;09

Patrick Teahan

Sure. It’s where a good therapist who gets this stuff comes in. My main goal in my heart is just to normalize that stuff.

00;10;01;12 – 00;10;20;15

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. And so normalize it so that people can change and for the better. I think that’s so healthy. Now what is it then? I know it might be hard to put into words, or maybe it’s easy. What is it about becoming a parent that you feel opens up those triggers so much? Sure. You know, in terms of that awakening, that’s a lot of people may have or hopefully I start to have eventually.

00;10;20;17 – 00;10;41;06

Patrick Teahan

Right. Oh, I’ll tell that I used the question with a story. And in my world is that our body has a genius level to it. If you were raised in unsafe environments or not healthy family systems, or you got some childhood trauma going on, the body is always kind of looking at this almost like idea like, oh, it’s happening again.

00;10;42;00 – 00;10;57;25

Patrick Teahan

So I had a moment like a parenting fail and both a wake up call is when my son was a toddler and we were struggling as a typical stuff, like we were both trying to work. One of us was doing the majority of the child care, which was my wife. I was trying to start a private practice.

00;10;57;26 – 00;11;21;13

Patrick Teahan

I was also doing a side hustle, and when it came time, when my wife would say, go do her work on a Saturday. I was already exhausted. So when I had my son with me and we had our time together, I hit bottom. When it came to being present with him. He must have been 2 or 3, but I just noticed it’s just something like when it came down to carpet time of playing, I level with him with toys and doing that.

00;11;21;13 – 00;11;40;08

Patrick Teahan

I noticed a pattern with and this is I’ve already been through a lot of therapy. I’m a psychotherapist. Like this is the stuff I think about. I noticed that I had such a brief window of attention with him before I would go on my phone. And I wasn’t really present for him and that I really had to do some reflecting and exploring in a tool that I use called Dialoging.

00;11;40;10 – 00;12;00;06

Patrick Teahan

And that short window of time was that I’m a child of neglect. I had a father, but I he was there, but I didn’t have a father. I didn’t have a relationship with him. He was a pretty sick guy with narcissistic personality disorder. And my body was sort of freaking out because I was both triggered by the intimacy with my son.

00;12;01;00 – 00;12;25;22

Patrick Teahan

And then feeling really, really bad about how I was doing as a parent about not engaging him. And I think we all as parents over scrutinize. Right. Yeah. But this is a little bit different. I just really noticed that I really had a short amount of attention with him when it came to like playing or being engaged with him, or so it was a short attention span with him, and that was my body kind of freaking out.

00;12;25;23 – 00;12;31;15

Patrick Teahan

I was triggered by the intimacy with my son, and my body was like, oh, it’s happening again. I’m just like, dad.

00;12;31;18 – 00;12;33;21

Dr. Mona

Interesting. I know, I’m sorry.

00;12;33;23 – 00;12;53;28

Patrick Teahan

I’m disinterested, Johnny. I mean, it’s just so kind of a thing. But at the same time, too, maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was normal stuff that we all struggle with. And I know I’m repeating myself, but I mean, like, my energy about getting high level with him and playing with the Thomas, the Toy train and really setting something up is that bothered me about myself.

00;12;54;00 – 00;13;19;07

Dr. Mona

I think this is so important because you’re bringing up a great example of something that I think a lot of parents have gone through that are listening, right? Like when you’re playing with a child and are just spacing out and I think it’s so healthy and so important to bring up this perspective because like you said, it could be that you’re just so tired and it’s just a random day I’ve been doing right, like I’ve been in those moments where I’m just it’s not a good day, but if it’s a consistent pattern, is what we’re talking about, right?

00;13;19;07 – 00;13;37;03

Dr. Mona

Like if you’re noticing that you have really a hard time connection with your child, then there needs to be some digging as to why are you having a tough time connecting with your child? You can’t blame being tired for like, I’m talking like for three, you know, three weeks, four weeks. I’m talking about like, this is happening more than often.

00;13;37;03 – 00;13;53;05

Dr. Mona

And I think this is why we’re talking about this. Because you brought a great example that I know that a lot of my moms listening will say, well, you know, it’s because I was tired. I’m like, oh, I get that. Yes, you could be tired and had a really long day, your child and sleep. But do you enjoy generally connecting with your child?

00;13;53;05 – 00;13;57;10

Dr. Mona

And if you don’t, why, that’s a great thing. Why getting serious? Yeah.

00;13;57;12 – 00;14;22;21

Patrick Teahan

Yes. And I love that you normalize that there. Because to be honest, parenting is so hard. I only remember pockets of that time period because we were both stressed and fighting and over tired. So to normalize it is like, yes, you’re going to. But here’s the differences. I would really ask a client if they can. When I was tired that day, I would just kind of say, can you tell me about how your family dealt with connection in play growing up?

00;14;23;20 – 00;14;42;25

Patrick Teahan

So I really look at the family system of origin and what did that mean. It’s so even normal in our society to look at sort of absent fathers, or especially if you’re of a little bit of an older generation like me, my parents were immigrants. It was just not in my family to really play and engage. But I had a marked version of that.

00;14;42;28 – 00;15;02;25

Patrick Teahan

You know, it’s kind of a wake up call if you don’t know how to actually play with your three year old, something’s up. Right? It’s not like you’re bad, but it’s telling you you got to look at maybe your family system, or if you have some kind of, like, neurodivergent here, that’s all fine and good, but we’re talking about your family of origin is, you know, some people just grow up.

00;15;02;29 – 00;15;08;04

Patrick Teahan

What looks good on paper are super neglected. No one knows how to really connect or play or have fun.

00;15;08;06 – 00;15;23;10

Dr. Mona

The reason I love talking to you and I love your Instagram page and all that is that you just brought up another nuance point, which is about neurodivergent. See, like you said, like if this is who you are and being neurodivergent, that’s fine. But we’re talking about this is something that’s unusual for you and the way you approach social situations.

00;15;23;10 – 00;15;27;07

Dr. Mona

So I love that. Oh my gosh, like thank you so much because that is if it’s as long as a point.

00;15;27;10 – 00;15;39;07

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. Good. Sorry to cut you off there. As long as it’s not coming from somewhere else. I think everyone needs to look at their family system in some way, but this is the stuff that I’m trying to connect dots for people and help them.

00;15;39;09 – 00;15;56;04

Dr. Mona

Is there any other example? I’d love this example, but is there any other example that we can see where a seemingly typical experience with a child, maybe with a tantrum or whatever, that could be something that could come from childhood, that could be a trigger that’s being unloaded as a parent a bunch.

00;15;56;04 – 00;16;31;11

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. And they’re not unlike other relationships in our lives. Like, say you surprise your five year old with a special toy and they’re disinterested in it. You know what I mean? It’s just really normal stuff that kind of comes up. This stuff just comes out of the blue. Like, you know, a new parent with a two year old is really put off when they go from being super cuddly to being a bit defiant, in that defiance or just sort of like becoming their own independent person, like that parent might notice huge feelings of anger.

00;16;31;13 – 00;16;50;00

Patrick Teahan

So when I mean about that, coming back to that phrase, we parent the way that we are parented. This is a little bit tricky to explain. Let’s just say someone is goes to an automatic authoritarian place with their toddler, but that’s really not what they truly value. Like, it comes out sideways and it’s just like, where is this coming from?

00;16;50;00 – 00;16;55;07

Patrick Teahan

Like, why am I so intense about them not listening to me? Like, am I making sense there?

00;16;55;10 – 00;17;09;18

Dr. Mona

Yeah, you have to kind of like, is this something that I believe is right to do as a parent at this point, or is it coming from how I was parented? Is it coming from just what I know is normal? Like you said, the quote that you said you parent as you were parents, right? And it’s not always right.

00;17;09;18 – 00;17;26;23

Dr. Mona

I mean, we know that, right? Like, I mean, my I was parented with a very authoritarian father that was like my way or the highway and it was something that I knew wasn’t right. As I got older, you know, when you’re innocent, child, you don’t know any better. You don’t know that this is not the right way, because that’s all you know, right?

00;17;26;23 – 00;17;43;28

Dr. Mona

You’re like, okay, this is my dad. This is my mom. And they parent me and they take care of me. And then you become an adult and you’re like, like an exception. As a pediatrician with all my passion for parenting, I was like, this doesn’t make sense. Like, why am I being yelled at? And, you know, I also was slapped as a child, very common in a lot of cultures, especially Indian culture.

00;17;43;28 – 00;17;44;16

Patrick Teahan

Absolutely.

00;17;44;28 – 00;18;00;29

Dr. Mona

And it’s not something I like. Right? As, someone goes against that. So you’re right, like, it is something that you have to kind of look at the situation and be like, and you know, from my personal example, my work actually happened before I became a parent. So you said you work with clients who make this work happen before they become a parent.

00;18;00;29 – 00;18;18;04

Dr. Mona

And some it happens after for me, I got married, we moved down to Florida and I told my husband, I’m like, I don’t like how I respond when I’m angry. And I got a lot of that from my father. Meaning I would slam doors. I would yell because that’s what my father did. Right? And so I’m like, that’s it is work when I have a child.

00;18;18;09 – 00;18;36;22

Dr. Mona

So I did a lot of work before becoming a parent because I didn’t want to do that for my kid. Right. I didn’t want to get so angry that I slapped him or get so angry that I couldn’t control, you know, my anger management, you know, coping skills. So it was so much of that work. And my husband, it took him having the child to do that work, right.

00;18;36;22 – 00;18;57;13

Dr. Mona

Like it was different for us. And we’re still working on that. Right. Like it’s not a. Sure. And just because like a certain date of the child’s birthday, it’s constant self-improvement of looking at that past. And like we talked about getting so curious as to something’s not feeling right. Is this something that is going on currently? Is this something that I’m bringing from my past and my experiences?

00;18;57;13 – 00;19;07;27

Dr. Mona

And, I don’t know, I just feel like this insight is one of the most healthiest things parents can do, you know? And I don’t think a lot of parents are comfortable doing it sometimes. Or no, they need to.

00;19;08;00 – 00;19;32;24

Patrick Teahan

Right. Well, I want to pause for a minute and really celebrate your journey with that. And as well as listeners journey to really kind of say, how do I put this? I have this theory. I think that 90% of our psychological energy is wrapped up in trying to not be like our parents, okay? Especially if you were in an abusive family system.

00;19;32;24 – 00;19;53;00

Patrick Teahan

And I relate totally to your story. It’s just like I’m the son of Irish immigrants and it’s night and day cultures, but they’re actually so similar. Yes, in terms of duty to parents, patriarchy, treatment of feelings, treatment of girls. You I mean and old school now. But what I really want to say for listeners is to really celebrate that.

00;19;53;00 – 00;20;12;22

Patrick Teahan

If you’re drawn to podcasts like this or this information is you’re doing such powerful work to try to break out of the family system that you come from. Because in a similar way, I had to watch my anger to, you know, my son has never seen me. He’s seen me frustrated, but he’s never seen me weaponize my anger like a nice to me.

00;20;12;24 – 00;20;35;07

Patrick Teahan

So I love that you sort of did some work in court that the way I explain it to clients is like there’s a set of values that we grow up with and values, quote unquote, values. You know what I mean? Might makes right. The loudest person wins. Then we really have to reinvent those values. And what you’re saying, like, I didn’t want to be that mom that’s going to like slam the door and then come out with brownies.

00;20;35;10 – 00;20;36;02

Dr. Mona

Right, right.

00;20;36;02 – 00;20;43;21

Patrick Teahan

Three minutes later and pretend that nothing happened or clean up some kind of emotional show that just went down and pretend it wasn’t there.

00;20;43;23 – 00;21;09;02

Dr. Mona

There’s a lot of parenting marketing, if you will. Like. I’m going to give example, like gentle parenting. Okay. Like the whole philosophy of gentle parenting, I don’t like to subscribe to like, one parenting style because I feel like it’s a lot of, you know, marketing pressure field, whatever. But yes, I think everyone should kind of have like, this sort of, you know, I think a lot of these parenting styles do fall under the authoritative, not authoritarian, this sort of like, you know, mutual respect, there’s boundaries being set.

00;21;09;05 – 00;21;29;14

Dr. Mona

But one of the things I hear a lot of parents say is that they have so much trouble staying cool in the moment. Right? Like, and then they yell and then they repair. And I think one of the hardest realities that parents have to realize is that if you are constantly yelling and repairing, right, like if this is just a constant so that you’re, you need to figure out what is it, why are you so triggered?

00;21;29;14 – 00;21;48;11

Dr. Mona

What is this about the situation? Because at some point there’s a limit to how much you can yell and repair, right? Like you can’t say like, okay, well you yelled, it’s okay, because there is a normalization in this parenting style that it’s okay to yell. Of course we’re going to yell like I’ve yelled at my son. But then after that time I was like, okay, what brought me to this moment?

00;21;48;11 – 00;22;04;22

Dr. Mona

I was frustrated at this innocent child who had no, he didn’t know what he was doing. I brought this probably from my day, right? Someone got mad at me or cut me off or, you know, while I was driving. So why am I taking out on my son? Is it because my dad took out his anger on me?

00;22;04;26 – 00;22;13;01

Dr. Mona

And you said it’s so much more than just saying, oh, I got upset, and I’m just going to say I’m sorry. It’s also if this is a repetitive behavior, right?

00;22;13;04 – 00;22;13;15

Patrick Teahan

Why are.

00;22;13;15 – 00;22;30;11

Dr. Mona

You angry? What is it about the anger? Is it that you’re being stretched thin? Is it that this person you’re feeling like you said, like is it that you’re feeling this child is not listening to you, and maybe you shouldn’t feel heard as a child, like there’s so many layers to it from a psychological standpoint that is, I think, really healthy to kind of have insight into.

00;22;30;13 – 00;22;58;06

Patrick Teahan

Yes. And I love what you just said because, you know, like scream and then repair a couple things is they just cancel each other out. In our children is now learns to be very codependent around emotions or codependent with that parent. Yes. Meaning that when we scream and then repair there’s no real accountability. And it’s also teaching the message.

00;22;58;08 – 00;23;17;29

Patrick Teahan

I’m sorry to be blunt here. It’s like you can be the biggest A-hole as much as you want, but as long as you apologize. Yes, yes. You’re cool. It’s nice, not healthy. So. But what’s complicated about this is the kind of a little bit of the absence of good childhood trauma based psychotherapy is we can be aware of that stuff.

00;23;17;29 – 00;23;49;15

Patrick Teahan

And yes, we can even work with our inner child about it, but we really need to have some kind of cathartic release and good psychotherapy for that stuff to really go away. Because the person who’s screaming is wrapped up in some rage, or how they’re being seen, or are they feeling victimized, or are they just doing business? Do they need to grieve about what their family system was really like, you know, to get something big off the table for them so they can learn a new behavior.

00;23;49;17 – 00;24;10;28

Patrick Teahan

And I had that experience and I got very lucky. I got to cycle there. I got to group with a great therapist when I was 20, and I did a lot of that work super early to release the charge, you know, and in a way, like that person, they probably have some valid anger about their childhood, but they’re putting the well of stuff onto their family and children in the present.

00;24;11;00 – 00;24;30;26

Patrick Teahan

And I get those comments, too, on my social media about what’s horrible and just. My heart goes out to people who are caught in that pattern because they just know that they’re doing damage, but they can’t stop themselves. So I just I want to say like it’s a problem, but you know you’re not going to read a really amazing Instagram quote that’s going to get you out of that.

00;24;31;04 – 00;24;32;10

Dr. Mona

Yes.

00;24;32;12 – 00;24;47;10

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. You’re not going to you know what I mean. You’re not going to buy one of my courses on my website and get that’s going to get you out of that is doing some rage work, some heavy duty. If you’re not a crying mess in therapy, it’s not going to go away.

00;24;47;13 – 00;25;02;29

Dr. Mona

It’s so interesting to me, and I agree completely because it’s like maintenance work, right? Like eating healthy, right? You can’t eat fast food every day, and then one day you eat a salad and you’re like, okay, I’m healthy now, right? Like you have to have a maintenance plan. Like, what is your maintenance plan here? You’re going to sprinkle in fast food.

00;25;03;00 – 00;25;29;27

Dr. Mona

You’re going to do this. What is your mental health maintenance plan like? What are you doing here? And I completely agree with that. And I think again, like I think this is just a very uncomfortable conversation that people either don’t realize they have to have or don’t know they need to have. I, me parents in my office and I even though I’m a pediatrician, this stuff is really important to me because I feel like I can make bigger breakthroughs with parenting, things like discipline and, all the other things that I’m trying to teach you sleep discipline, food refusal.

00;25;30;00 – 00;25;45;23

Dr. Mona

If I know where you’re coming from. Right. Like, this is why I really love having these conversations. Because if you were bullied for being thin, and then I’m trying to teach you that it’s okay if your child doesn’t eat a meal when you’re trying to educate our guide them on picky eating. There’s a reason why you’re so upset by that.

00;25;45;23 – 00;26;08;09

Dr. Mona

You don’t. You’re scared that your child is going to be thin and bullied. I mean, this is something that I see commonly, but I find that parents, it’s very hard for them to accept this, that, hey, I do need to do some of that work. And it’s not just reading a book and stopping it there. It’s not just watching one Instagram post like you said, it’s what am I going to do to maintain this and actually see that long term change because nothing is overnight.

00;26;08;09 – 00;26;24;29

Dr. Mona

Like you have to put the work in and the healing in so that you can actually see that change. And I think you agree like it’s not even just for the child. I mean, it makes you feel better. I don’t want to be an angry mess. Like my thing was like, I don’t like that. I didn’t like how that made me feel as a kid, and I sure as heck did not like that as an adult.

00;26;24;29 – 00;26;31;03

Dr. Mona

I don’t think anyone loves being angry, but I think people have a hard time on where do I even begin, right?

00;26;31;05 – 00;26;59;24

Patrick Teahan

Right. You know, like couple things. I’d love this conversation. The last part you said is, you know, again, something I picked up from my mentor is to really help clients see that you were set up to have issues around food and be hyper vigilant around your kid’s intake of food from the way that you grew up. Or like in your case, when you mentioned your dad or my dad or whatever, like I was set up to really live in fight mode because it was really how my family did business.

00;26;59;26 – 00;27;36;15

Patrick Teahan

But then we’re kind of responsible for the other thing. I love that example about the client struggling with their child’s food intake is our inner child looks at what’s going on in the present through the lens of our childhood. So when you have a new parent and they feel like their child is not getting their needs met at daycare real or imagined, if there is an issue with the daycare or whatever, and they go into like an over-the-top place, like they’re projecting, what are they projecting their projecting, they’re over identifying with their own toddler saying the thing is happening again.

00;27;37;09 – 00;27;41;05

Patrick Teahan

So projection isn’t like sort of I’m not mad. You’re mad. You know?

00;27;41;08 – 00;27;41;15

Dr. Mona

Right.

00;27;41;20 – 00;28;07;03

Patrick Teahan

There isn’t that clinical? Traditional. It’s really projecting. Okay, let’s just say we can project onto our partners that they are another disinterested male or angry male or overly demanding female. And I’m doing this from a like a traditional cisgender. I’m traditional cisgender or they’re a sexual relationship. So it doesn’t really matter so much because even in all kinds of partnerships, the rules still apply around projecting.

00;28;07;05 – 00;28;25;17

Patrick Teahan

So like classic example, one person really gets triggered when they come home and they see their partner just on the couch on their iPad playing a game. And there’s no real connection. There’s no real don’t you mean. Yes. And that in a client can have a whole bunch of types of over-the-top triggers. They might shut down, which is still over the top.

00;28;25;19 – 00;28;33;27

Patrick Teahan

They might get enraged, they might really pick a fight or that kind of a thing. So that’s still projecting that the partner is like that bad parent.

00;28;34;00 – 00;28;49;15

Dr. Mona

What’s so interesting about what you just. Yeah, what’s so interesting is that you just said, yeah. Like when a lot of that comes from my childhood, too. And it’s so funny because my husband, he’ll be doing the same thing, and he’s a great father. I mean, he’s very involved. He does a lot of work, but when he’s sitting there, I get mad at him.

00;28;49;15 – 00;29;09;18

Dr. Mona

And my husband said the other day, because we’re doing a lot of work on this, is that I’m not your father. Don’t get mad at me. He’s like, I’m not your father. Like. And it’s so funny that he says, he just says it like that. And I’m like, oh shit, you’re right. Like I’m getting mad at you because I’m assuming that you’re going to be like my father, who I do have work I need to do with healing from that childhood, but so encouraging so that I apologize, I did.

00;29;09;18 – 00;29;13;15

Dr. Mona

I think I interrupted you in a train of thought. I don’t know if I you remember what you’re going to say.

00;29;13;18 – 00;29;31;20

Patrick Teahan

No, you were right on point. And I love what you just said. There, too. Here’s what I really love about this stuff. Everything that you and I are sharing right now, what we see with the people that we work with is this stuff is so common. Yeah. So common. So like what you just described with your husband, it’s just like an I love that you’re owning it.

00;29;31;21 – 00;29;52;02

Patrick Teahan

Like I have work to do because I project so much onto him or something like that. And what I might say to a client in that place where inner children, they’re pretty committed to this stuff until our inner adult, which is the part of us that says, oh, yeah, I do do that. Oh, what do we do? You might need a resource.

00;29;52;04 – 00;30;08;22

Patrick Teahan

And if I’m working with a client that does that, I can’t stop myself from putting my well of stuff on to my wife or whatever. It’s I might say to the client, let’s connect with your inner child and set a boundary and get very real with that inner child. And my favorite thing to say to that person’s inner child is like, you know what?

00;30;08;22 – 00;30;27;01

Patrick Teahan

We’re going to make a decision about whether our partner is good or bad right now. And we’re going to stick with that decision because it’s not fair to the partner and it’s not good for us. Then on a Tuesday they’re amazing. And then on Wednesday they’re bad. Thursday they’re amazing. Friday they’re bad. Am I making sense. You know what I mean.

00;30;27;01 – 00;30;33;11

Patrick Teahan

Because in a way like you know, you have we have such love and care for our partners. But then when we get triggered, we come all bad.

00;30;33;14 – 00;30;51;12

Dr. Mona

Oh yeah. For sure. And I think it’s so interesting and it’s such a interesting, insightful thing, like when you can get to that point, like I said, when you can get to that point, be like, why is this happening? Why am I volatile with my feeling towards my partner? And, you know, obviously the work that they’re doing with our relationship and parenting and all of that, it’s so important.

00;30;51;12 – 00;31;05;03

Dr. Mona

And like I said, these triggers are like coming in in parenting and the loving relationships that we have. All of the adult relationships, adult child relationships. And I think this is just such an important and necessary conversation.

00;31;05;05 – 00;31;23;10

Patrick Teahan

Right. And I mean, inner child work is just kind of one way to do it. There’s great couples work. I don’t mean just say like, this is the only way to do it. It’s just like, and some people have a hard time with that language. We can just flip inner adult in your child. So prefrontal cortex and amygdala, it’s just a vehicle of kind of tender kind of talk.

00;31;24;06 – 00;31;42;07

Patrick Teahan

And no you didn’t interrupt you there. But I had like another kind of thought in there. Is that coming back to this thing about making a decision about whether they’re good or not is that inner children. It’s just a way for the body to kind of keep the hypervigilance kind of going. And it’s just to honor that.

00;31;42;07 – 00;32;00;10

Patrick Teahan

It’s really super hard to turn it off. But another plug for psychotherapy with somebody that’s good is to have that really cathartic experience and really kind of really look at our family system, maybe hold some bad parenting accountable, really looking at it that we were set up to have that kind of a thing. So just a thought there.

00;32;00;13 – 00;32;12;12

Dr. Mona

Oh, absolutely. And all this inner child work, like you said, you do a lot of dialoging. And so a lot of the dialoging is also dialoging with your inner child, like talking to your inner child like they’re with you.

00;32;12;14 – 00;32;19;29

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. I just did a webinar and did a worksheet created like a workbook on Dialoging. And now I’m hoping that that’s going to become a book down the road.

00;32;20;04 – 00;32;20;17

Dr. Mona

Awesome.

00;32;20;17 – 00;32;39;26

Patrick Teahan

But how it works is our dominant hand represents our inner adult. And that gets associated with the prefrontal cortex, but not so much. And it’s really, you know, motor skills left hand, right hand. It’s more about hemispheres, you know. But for some reason we just these two parts going on with us, we both have like a red telephone to the two parts.

00;32;39;28 – 00;33;01;05

Patrick Teahan

So on paper I will have it’s like writing a letter to your inner child or having a conversation with your inner child on paper. So it’s like, you know, the the adult would say something like, Little Patrick. Yes. Why were you upset with your wife? Oh, yeah. When I would chase when she criticized you about not being present on the weekend.

00;33;02;00 – 00;33;24;16

Patrick Teahan

And then my inner child might respond with like, she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t get how hard I’m working to make. Everything happened for us. I mean, like, she’s just like mom. She’s never satisfied. It’s just like the person, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And then now I have the context. If the inner child, you know, like, my wife stinks, she doesn’t get how much I’m working.

00;33;24;21 – 00;33;44;13

Patrick Teahan

And then the adult would say, what does it remind you of from growing up? So we really have to go, right? For the kind of the jugular about the childhood trauma stuff. What is it remind you of? Reminds me of mom. Mom was so. She hated men so much. She was never satisfied. Every mama and I was bad because I was just like, yeah, blah blah blah blah blah.

00;33;44;14 – 00;33;47;26

Patrick Teahan

Yeah, you’re getting that narrative. You’re getting that story.

00;33;47;29 – 00;34;03;18

Dr. Mona

But the reason I yeah, the reason I love what you’re saying is earlier in the episode, you mentioned about how we’re easier on our children than we are on ourselves, like when we’re adulting a child in front of us, right? We are so kind to them versus how we talk to ourselves as a don’t talk. I love dialog.

00;34;03;18 – 00;34;19;07

Dr. Mona

I think this my husband does a lot of dialoging in his therapy work. A he is a childhood trauma therapist currently, and he tells me about the dialog and I just think it’s so awesome. Like I he tells me, he tells his inner child and I’m like, that’s so sweet. When I laughed, it wasn’t out of like, that’s silly.

00;34;19;07 – 00;34;28;22

Dr. Mona

I think it’s just so sweet. I think it actually really can help because you’re talking to the person in a very compassionate way, which is you. You’re you are that person. You’re the child.

00;34;28;28 – 00;34;54;17

Patrick Teahan

Inside of you. Yeah. Right. I love it. But clinically, the real awakening that it’s such an important tool because when you have your inner child talk with your non-dominant hand, is you get the unconscious content that most people aren’t aware of. Yeah. Like sort of like little Jill. Why do you feel that we need to stay extra hours at work, you know?

00;34;54;17 – 00;35;17;07

Patrick Teahan

Well, because we need to impress Michael. Michael doesn’t like us. Michael’s the boss or whatever, you know. And then what does it take you back to? And then the client might remember about being super specific, being in the fifth grade and then having the divorce going on, and dad just became a mopey victim. Yeah. And then she really had to do the dishes to make dad feel better, but he never noticed.

00;35;17;08 – 00;35;22;26

Patrick Teahan

You know what I mean? Like, yes. People don’t know that that story is still running their life.

00;35;22;28 – 00;35;41;28

Dr. Mona

It’s so true. I could talk to you for, like, two hours about this because there’s so many examples that you’re bringing up that come up in such subtle ways, like I said, in a parent’s life, and they don’t know where it’s coming from. And it’s about getting curious. It’s about understanding that it is work that you have to do and kind of figuring out how we’re going to change here.

00;35;42;00 – 00;35;59;06

Dr. Mona

Oh, Patrick, thank you so much for this conversation. I love talking about this stuff. Like I said, I think it’s so important that parents hear this not because I think it helps them in their parenting journey, but it also just helps them be more present in their own life mentally, emotionally, you know, it’s just it’s a benefit for all.

00;35;59;08 – 00;36;10;14

Dr. Mona

Where can everyone find you? I know you have, the Instagram, which that’s how I found you and started connecting Patrick T therapy and I’ll link that. But where else can they find you? I know you also have a YouTube channel as well.

00;36;10;16 – 00;36;30;29

Patrick Teahan

Yeah, the YouTube channel is really where I started putting out content. That’s where people can get some short videos, but really people go there for longer content about specific issues, about something like, my next video is going to be on types of trauma bonded couples. So that’s where people would go to really sort of find the content.

00;36;30;29 – 00;36;52;14

Patrick Teahan

You can also go to my website, Patrick Team therapy.com for some handout resources, and also to join I run a monthly membership where we meet there’s about 300 of us. We meet twice a month for live Q&A about any kind of triggers, any kind of abusive family system stuff, any kind of inner child dialoging I love it.

00;36;52;14 – 00;37;11;03

Patrick Teahan

And then people also get like a a weekly journal prompts about inner child work for me every week, and they get all access to coursework and that kind of a thing. But it’s really great for people if they need something to supplement their psychotherapy or they’ve never experienced sort of doing work in a community because it’s like a live zoom call.

00;37;11;10 – 00;37;11;23

Dr. Mona

Awesome.

00;37;12;12 – 00;37;38;03

Patrick Teahan

So that’s really where a lot of my majority, I’m not taking on any new clients. I do run groups. I’m not picking on any couples or individuals at the moment, but that’s pretty much me. But there’s something I want to just briefly come back to for the listener. Some recommendations about if you are a new parent or struggling with your parenting or struggling with your partner, some resources to really kind of consider is and resources about like Instagram or my website.

00;37;38;03 – 00;37;57;20

Patrick Teahan

They’re all fine and good, but you can find some really good therapist on my website. My first recommendation is to really find a good individual or a couples therapist, and to really spend some time contrasting them. Try to meet a couple with them. Really see if someone can get you and get your help around some problems that you’re having with your parenting or your partnership.

00;37;58;05 – 00;38;16;06

Patrick Teahan

Another recommendation with your partner is to kind of put the olive branch out and just start talking about, here we are again with that thing. Here we are again. Let’s figure out how do we come together on this. Because it’s the weekend and I want us to spend time as a family. But you’re like this was my story.

00;38;16;06 – 00;38;35;23

Patrick Teahan

You’re like out doing your own thing, providing for the family. But I don’t feel connected with me. Very, very common saying yeah. So here we are again. You know what I mean? Let’s just even look at it like there’s a just a pattern here doesn’t mean we have to do anything. And then lastly, it’s super helpful, like you’re mentioning in your own life that your husband’s in therapy and you’ve done some therapy work.

00;38;35;23 – 00;38;53;25

Patrick Teahan

And just like, sort of that’s really the foundation for getting this stuff. Both parties need to be kind of psych minded and doing some work. And if you can know your triggers, you’re going to have a much better time not putting your stuff on your partner or your kids or yourself. Yes, that’s where it’s where it’s all going to go.

00;38;53;25 – 00;38;55;06

Patrick Teahan

So I just wanted to say that.

00;38;55;08 – 00;39;12;22

Dr. Mona

That is a great final message. And like I said, my husband is a therapist. I just started seeing one again as I go through IVF and a lot of the emotions that it’s opened up, sure. Trauma. And so I, you know, I’m like, I gotta get this. Like, if, you know, when I get pregnant, I have to make sure that I’m emotionally in a working, maintaining.

00;39;12;22 – 00;39;25;25

Dr. Mona

Right. And one of the funnest things that we do is we chat after our therapy session, and it’s something that really brings us a lot of joy in a good way. Right? We’re like, what did you learn? You know, what did you learn? Like, tell me about, you know, what you said, and it’s a very positive thing.

00;39;25;25 – 00;39;48;07

Dr. Mona

And I know, you know, therapy can be time consuming and costly. But like I said, it’s a maintenance thing. It’s an investment for your health. And, you know, obviously your mental health and the relationships. And to me, human relationships are one of the most important things. And the relationships with our children are part of our self. And there’s to me, there’s it’s a good therapist, like you said, you know, someone that really gets you, it can tell the difference into making these changes.

00;39;48;10 – 00;40;06;11

Patrick Teahan

Right. And for that person to take the edge off is that. Yeah, I would say that 90% of people on the planet don’t get what they need growing up, nor do they get good modeling about a healthy marriage and healthy family life. So we’re all kind of flying blind. I mean, yes, so we need as much help as we can get.

00;40;06;14 – 00;40;22;00

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. And I think I mentioned this on another episode, too. I had another therapist on talking about family dynamics and stuff, and I said I was like, I know that when Ryan grows up, I’m aware enough to know that there’s no way that you can raise a perfect human being. That’s not what we do, right? We’re supposed to grow, we’re supposed to learn.

00;40;22;04 – 00;40;37;16

Dr. Mona

And so I feel like I tell my husband this all the time. I’m like, If Ryan comes up to us one day and he’s like, I want to see a therapist, I’m going to feel like the best parent because he feels so comfortable talking to me about it and saying, mom, I feel like I need more help in this area and I would love to see a therapist.

00;40;37;16 – 00;40;58;24

Dr. Mona

To me, that is one of the biggest goals is that like, I think we’re doing a fantastic job with what we know, with all the resources we have, but it’s also up to us to guide our children when they’re adults and say, hey, if you need extra help, and then if it’s not me, I’m okay with that. You know, like, I want you to feel powerful and have enough insight into what you need to feel supported.

00;40;58;24 – 00;41;15;10

Dr. Mona

And so that’s why I’m obviously, as you know, I’m very pro therapy. I even I have parents coming in who have like little kids and they’re like, look, I want to have my child see a therapist. I’m like, if this is what your family wants and you think it’s going to help, I am ready for this. Like, this is such a great conversation because why not get the support?

00;41;15;10 – 00;41;23;02

Dr. Mona

Why not? Like this is going to only benefit the entire family and the child. And I think it’s such a beautiful thing that we view normalize this conversation.

00;41;23;05 – 00;41;46;21

Patrick Teahan

Yeah. And last thing I know we’re going to go let my last point on that is I was kind of chuckling because what a generational shift from just said to maybe you know, like my mom or my dad would have been like, oh, therapy. Oh, I hope you’re not going to tell me. Oh yes. You know, I just get that like, you know, making it about themselves and totally missing what you need or what’s going on with you.

00;41;46;23 – 00;42;06;11

Dr. Mona

Oh, gosh, you’re so right. I mean, and I resonate so much with the obviously your Irish upbringing and obviously even though they’re different cultures, very similar things, like you said, about your family dynamics and, and we have a whole other episode about those family dinners. Yes it is. You’re right. Like, there is still like when I had to tell my family about therapy in a very normal way, I’m like, I think this is so healthy.

00;42;06;15 – 00;42;20;00

Dr. Mona

They’re like, why do you need that? I’m like, I think everyone needs a good therapist to be honest with you. I think we all deserve to have someone who will just listen and give us strategies to help. But Patrick, I again, I like I said, I love this session.

00;42;20;05 – 00;42;26;00

Patrick Teahan

Yeah too. Lastly, I’m just chuckling again because like both cultures would be like, why are you going to therapy? Are you hearing voices?

00;42;26;02 – 00;42;29;00

Dr. Mona

Yes, exactly. And it’s such a stigma right. Yeah.

00;42;29;00 – 00;42;30;11

Patrick Teahan

What are you talking about. You know.

00;42;30;12 – 00;42;50;29

Dr. Mona

Yes, exactly. There’s such a it’s almost like there has to be some big negative, like I always say. And I know you would agree that going to therapy, it should happen more when things are actually pretty good. Like, I mean, in marriage, like you don’t have to have shit hit the fan for you to have to go see a therapist like you can want the change before that happens, so that shit doesn’t hit the fan as hard, you know?

00;42;50;29 – 00;43;12;20

Dr. Mona

So, and I love this. So again, thank you so much. I’m going to link all of your resources. I love talking to you so much. I would love to have you back on because you’re also a great podcaster. You know, I have I guess it’s and I knew that because I see all your videos on Instagram. And so it’s really nice when I get someone who likes this platform and, you know, can talk in a very conversational way.

00;43;12;20 – 00;43;15;01

Dr. Mona

So thank you for joining us.

00;43;15;03 – 00;43;17;22

Patrick Teahan

Been a pleasure. Had a great time. Thank you so much.

00;43;17;23 – 00;43;38;26

Dr. Mona

Yes. And for everyone listening, make sure if you love this episode, which I’d be shocked if you didn’t because it was so insightful for me to make sure you leave a review wherever you can, leave reviews, leave a rating, and call out Patrick’s episode and say how much you loved it. I will definitely be having him back on hopefully in the next season of this podcast, and I can’t wait to talk to another guest next week.

00;43;38;28 – 00;43;39;25

Patrick Teahan

But I’d love to do it again.

00;43;39;26 – 00;43;44;18

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review.

00;43;44;21 – 00;43;51;25

Dr. Mona

Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe.

00;43;51;25 – 00;43;54;14

Dr. Mona

To my YouTube channel. PedsDocTalk TV.