On one of my most favorite episodes to date, I welcome Bryana Kappadakunnel who is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Conscious Mommy to talk about what it means to be a conscious parent and why it’s beneficial to the entire family. We discuss:

• What Conscious Parenting is
• How our children are our greatest teachers
• Why fear of change hinders our ability to be a more conscious parent

 

Find out more about Conscious Mommy at conciousmommy.com, sign up for online workshops & classes at learning.consciousmommy.com or connect with Bryana on Instagram @consciousmommy

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00;00;01;02 – 00;00;25;20

Bryana Kappadakunnel

So as simply as I can say, I believe. Conscious parenting is a parent coming into a deep sense of awareness of themselves, why they are the way they are, what their triggers are and how they act these triggers out, and how these triggers are actually not about the child in front of them. The child is just revealing them.

 

00;00;25;23 – 00;00;31;22

Bryana Kappadakunnel

But how these triggers are more connected to things from our past that are unresolved and unhealed.

 

00;00;31;24 – 00;00;51;09

Dr. Mona

Hello everyone, and welcome back to the show. I continue to get to talk to the most amazing guests on this podcast who have conversations about parenthood, child health, development, and so much more. Thank you for tuning in and being here and for all of your love. The reviews that you leave, the ratings you leave, and the shares that you do for this podcast.

 

00;00;51;09 – 00;01;08;14

Dr. Mona

Because that is how the podcast continues to grow. Today’s guest is Bryana Kappadakunnel, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Conscious Mommy. And we are going to be talking about becoming the conscious parent you wish you had. Thank you so much for joining us today.

 

00;01;08;16 – 00;01;11;24

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Thank you Doctor Mona. I’m so excited to be here with you.

 

00;01;11;25 – 00;01;23;22

Dr. Mona

Yes, I’m so excited to connect and talk about this topic that is so important to you. But tell us more about yourself, how you became the conscious mommy, the owner of that, and also why this topic is so important to you.

 

00;01;23;24 – 00;01;44;16

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Yes. Well thank you. So I started studying infant and early childhood mental health very early on in my career, and I started working in a therapeutic preschool role. And it kind of happened by chance. I felt very called to work with very young children, but I didn’t fully understand why I felt so called to work with them.

 

00;01;44;16 – 00;02;07;00

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And then I started to kind of like notice that I felt very similarly to these children who had really difficult life backgrounds. I mean, these are three, four and five year olds who were in and out of multiple foster care homes by the time I met them, experienced serious traumas, neglect, abuse, some born with in utero exposure to drugs.

 

00;02;07;00 – 00;02;33;12

Bryana Kappadakunnel

So talking really a lot of stuff going on for these kids. And while I didn’t necessarily have that same type of background, I myself came from a history of trauma, abuse, disorganization, violence and chaos. And I just felt so connected to these children. And I noticed that we were doing all these interventions for the children. We were teaching the children how to calm their bodies, and we were teaching the children how to use their words.

 

00;02;33;12 – 00;03;00;21

Bryana Kappadakunnel

We were teaching the children how to do all of these skills, and they were being put back into an environment where the adults in their lives were not exercising these same skills. And it’s over the course of my the development of my career really dawned on me that, wow, it really is about the parents. When we’re talking about parenting, the traditional paradigm focuses on what is wrong with the child and how do we fix the child.

 

00;03;00;23 – 00;03;35;15

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And I like to really shift that conversation away from what’s wrong with the child to what’s happening for this parent, right? What skills are missing in the parent? How can we help this parent feel healed so that this parent can show up for this child in the way that the child needs? And it was like through my own process, my own professional experiences, as well as my own reflective experiences of my life and my relationship with my mother, that it all came together and made me realize this is really how we shift the world in a really big way.

 

00;03;35;15 – 00;04;05;17

Bryana Kappadakunnel

It’s just one child parent relationship at a time, and it’s about helping this parent know themselves better, understand why I am the way I am so that I can help facilitate this child life journey and this child’s existence, their sole purpose in a way that I just think is radically different from the traditional status quo conversation of parenting and raising our kids.

 

00;04;05;19 – 00;04;23;00

Dr. Mona

Oh, absolutely. I love the way it came together. Just from your own professional experience and your personal experience. That’s how I think a lot of us get that passion to do what we do. And I just think that’s so beautiful, and I love what you’re talking about with already, with the understanding and getting curious as to what’s going on in that family unit.

 

00;04;23;00 – 00;04;38;08

Dr. Mona

Right. Like, of course we’re directing parenting and education to the child. And, you know, as you know, on my podcast with the finding Joy series and all that, that’s where I’m connecting with moms, especially because I am a mom. But talking about that sort of, why are we getting into these sort of patterns? Or why do we feel this way?

 

00;04;38;08 – 00;05;04;19

Dr. Mona

What sort of barriers are there, and why are we feeling frustrated? Why are we yelling? Why? You know, all the whys. And I think you’re so right, and I cannot wait to have this discussion with you based on your experience. So, you know, when we talk about conscious parenting, I have done, I think, one other episode with another guest about conscious parenting, but I want to hear from you, you know, like, how would you define it to someone who may not be familiar with what conscious parenting is, and why do you think it’s useful?

 

00;05;04;22 – 00;05;29;09

Bryana Kappadakunnel

So as simply as I can say, I believe conscious parenting is a parent coming into a deep sense of awareness of themselves, why they are the way they are, what their triggers are, and how they act these triggers out, and how these triggers are actually not about the child in front of them. The child is just revealing them.

 

00;05;29;12 – 00;06;02;28

Bryana Kappadakunnel

But how? These triggers are more connected to things from our past that are unresolved and unhealed. So that’s the first step of conscious parenting is this self-awareness, which then leads us into a deep connection with the child. Because now that I have a better sense of awareness of myself, I can come into a deep appreciation for this child and who they are as they are not who I expect you to be, who I need you to be, who I’m raising you to be, but for truly who you are.

 

00;06;03;01 – 00;06;40;19

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And this is why I think this conversation of conscious parenting that me and many people are having is so vital, because it’s what fosters deep sense of connection. One of the things that adults come to sessions and talk with me about in my therapy practice is that they never felt seen or heard or understood in their primary relationships with their parents growing up, they felt like they had to be something they were not in order to feel loved or gain approval or get attention, or like I had to be the good girl I hear a lot because I had a black sheep sibling, so I had to be the good one, and I could never

 

00;06;40;19 – 00;07;03;24

Bryana Kappadakunnel

need anybody or rely on anybody to be there for me, because everybody was so stressed and overwhelmed by the chaos of the black sheep sibling. All these kinds of stories is universal themes of folks that I see many people really walk around with, which is I want to feel seen, I want to feel heard, I want to feel understood, and I want all of that to be authentic to me.

 

00;07;03;24 – 00;07;31;15

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And yet I have no idea how to gain access to that. I have to keep acting and being something I am not, because that is how I’ve learned to get it. And conscious parenting really helps to correct that right from the start. Or at any point. Like whenever you start implementing it, it doesn’t really matter, but it helps to correct these dysfunctional patterns and allows us to find connection in, I think, a deep and authentic way.

 

00;07;31;15 – 00;07;36;29

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And that’s why I think it is so vital and important for humanity. Really.

 

00;07;37;01 – 00;08;01;02

Dr. Mona

Oh, absolutely. And like we talked about from the beginning, this is a it affects in a positive way the whole family unit. Right. It makes the parent who’s practicing conscious parenting, I think, more at peace with their decisions. And I know you agree. And also the child benefits. And then it’s a cycle, right. Because that child will grow up to maybe be a parent one day, or at least nurture other children if they’re not a parent, and they will continue that positive cycle.

 

00;08;01;02 – 00;08;26;09

Dr. Mona

And I think it’s so great, like you said, not just for a family unit, but for humanity. And I love conscious parenting. You know, people have always asked, we’ll talk to you more. Now, what is your parenting style? You know, like if we’re going to put a label on it and I kind of go into that conscious parenting, I think mindful parenting is also very similar to conscious parenting when you describe it, because we’re talking about taking our children for what they are taking ourselves for what we are at that moment, and learning how to grow together in this journey.

 

00;08;26;14 – 00;08;47;25

Dr. Mona

But I just think I love talking about conscious parenting because there are a lot of parenting styles out there which are so great in different ways, right? We have gentle parenting, positive parenting, like all the different parenting styles. But the reason I like conscious parenting so much is that you’re bringing it back again to so much of that parental mindset, which I get a lot of other parenting styles do, too.

 

00;08;47;25 – 00;09;15;28

Dr. Mona

But at its core, conscious parenting is like we are going to be very aware of our feelings and our child’s feeling, and that is literally at this core. So I understand people can take so many different beliefs and strategies from various parenting styles. So I really hope for all of our listeners, if you find you’re more of a quote unquote gentle parent or positive parent, if you’re going to put a label on it, I know you’re going to take things out of being a conscious parent, even if you don’t put that label on yourself, that’s going to be just so beneficial to you, right?

 

00;09;15;28 – 00;09;27;01

Dr. Mona

It’s all about how you’re approaching that parenthood journey and these very difficult moments with our children. You know, that is when that conscious parenting is going to become very useful in getting through really hard times as well.

 

00;09;27;03 – 00;09;45;11

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Absolutely. And I love all the different styles of parenting that are available. And in so many ways, it’s all a new paradigm. Like if it’s not falling under the traditional parenting paradigm, you know, you do as I say, not as I do. Children are to be seen, not heard. Right. You know, spank the kid. That’s how you get them to listen and follow directions.

 

00;09;45;11 – 00;10;09;20

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Children should listen the first time. Children are here to be obedient, right? That’s the whole like traditional parenting paradigm. So really, anything that diverges away from that is a step in the right direction in my book, because the direction that I see us needing to go as a human species is one that is evolving more toward a deep sense of grace and compassion and connection.

 

00;10;09;23 – 00;10;36;23

Bryana Kappadakunnel

I think we’re really losing a deep sense of connection as a species, especially as technology comes in and kind of fosters this false sense of connection, makes you feel like you are with other people. But it’s real dissonant to the body because the body knows will actually kind of isolated. And I’m not actually with people. And what does the human spirit and soul and body really need?

 

00;10;36;23 – 00;11;05;03

Bryana Kappadakunnel

It’s deep, deep connection. You know, we’re all born connected to our mother is via the umbilical cord. And the moment that cord is severed, we spend the rest of our lives seeking that deep level of connection. It is just the thing I keep coming back to Doctor Mona. It’s the thing that I keep finding in my work that all anybody really wants at the end of the day is to feel loved and then to love back, like that’s what it is.

 

00;11;05;03 – 00;11;32;26

Bryana Kappadakunnel

It’s truly that simple. And so whatever paradigm allows you to access that fantastic. Where I think conscious parenting is like an elevated approach in a way, is because it really asks us to think about, why is this so hard for me? Why does this trigger what is this about for me, exactly? And it facilitates that healing for us.

 

00;11;32;29 – 00;11;53;18

Bryana Kappadakunnel

You know, like I had an interaction with my son and the other day where I was busy doing something, I don’t know what was going on, but I was busy and I tend to be a busy person. This tends to be how I deal with my stress. I stay busy because when I’m busy, then I’m productive, right? And then I get the accolades for being productive and getting a lot of things done.

 

00;11;53;18 – 00;12;15;15

Bryana Kappadakunnel

It’s really busyness is kind of like a trauma response for me. It’s how I stay safe. And he was interrupting my busyness, right? Because he was asking for lunch and asking me to play with him. And the conscious part of me would have wished that I could have said something like, oh yes, of course, let’s pause and eat and let’s eat some lunch and let’s play a game.

 

00;12;15;17 – 00;12;38;12

Bryana Kappadakunnel

But I was too stuck in my patterns and my wounding in that moment with a completely unconsciously, by the way, doctor mode. I wasn’t aware of it. I was just happening. And I just stop asking me that. I don’t have time for that right now. Just hold on. Right was how I responded. And then my son did something so important and I was really glad that I could see it.

 

00;12;38;14 – 00;13;04;22

Bryana Kappadakunnel

He took a piece of paper and he held it up over his face and it was so symbolic. With a child saying, oh, you’re not seeing me. So I’m going to hide, I don’t feel safe. This doesn’t feel good to me, I don’t feel heard, I don’t feel understood. And that’s what I’m trying to express to parents, is that this is what all we really want is to feel seen and heard and understood and safe.

 

00;13;04;24 – 00;13;21;09

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And he let me know my four and a half year old with this just very simple gesture. And I let that be important feedback for me. And I let my ego go aside. Right. Because my ego is going to want to defend against that. My ego is going to want to be like, oh, stop acting like that. Come on.

 

00;13;21;09 – 00;13;38;24

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Yeah, you’re being ridiculous, right? That’s what my ego is kind of want to say. But I really put it aside. And I went up to him and I said something like, wow, I think when I got really snippy there, that did not feel good for you, That made you feel like you weren’t very important to mommy. And he put his head down and he kind of shook it up and down saying yes.

 

00;13;38;24 – 00;14;01;07

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And I said, wow, buddy. Gosh, that’s a terrible feeling. I’m so sorry that I communicated that. And I want you to know that I am feeling a little busy and a little stressed, and it has nothing to do with you. This is mommy just, you know, probably not really taking time for herself to slow down the way that she needs to, which is a big part of my healing, which is to slow down.

 

00;14;01;10 – 00;14;22;17

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And so I let this child teach me. And that is something that’s so important about conscious parenting, is we let the child teach us the lessons that we need to learn. And in that moment, he was teaching me, slow down. Allow yourself to have some joy and pleasure. Not everything has to be such survival mode and go, go, go.

 

00;14;22;17 – 00;14;45;24

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And constant busyness and constant avoidance of whatever else is happening within you. You can slow down and reconnect and engage and find joy together. And that’s what we did. But I had to be open to it. And that’s what I think conscious parenting does, is it teaches us to be open to these moments so that we can really learn and grow through them together.

 

00;14;45;25 – 00;15;01;26

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love it. And you mentioned in the intro about how obviously through your professional work, but also just your relationship with your mother. I’m just curious. You don’t have to go into detail, but, you know, we’re talking about becoming the conscious parent you wish you had. All the stuff that you’re saying is so important to me as well.

 

00;15;01;26 – 00;15;20;28

Dr. Mona

And that’s why I’m just so glad you’re on the episode, because it is just so vital that we understand that our children are our greatest teachers, right? They are the ones that are going to teach us so much about parenting, but also about ourselves. Like you said, like what is making me tick? Why am I letting a child’s tantrum ruin my whole day?

 

00;15;20;28 – 00;15;36;09

Dr. Mona

Like, why don’t I have enough space to accept and handle these big emotions, right? Like, and I always look at that and I think that’s so important because yes, our kids are going to have meltdowns. They’re going to have tantrums, they’re confused dinner. But then we also have to approach parenting because all of us have gone through it.

 

00;15;36;09 – 00;15;52;04

Dr. Mona

Right. I, I pretty sure everyone listening can say, oh, I’ve been in those shoes. I’ve been in that moment where my child refuses. But not all of us are acting the same in that moment. So what is it that the people who are, for the most part, trying to be more conscious and more aware of the feelings to avoid the big rise?

 

00;15;52;04 – 00;16;20;21

Dr. Mona

I know that’s always hard to do, but what are we doing that may be different than other people that is beneficial? You know, I do see the benefits of what you just described. You know, noticing that your son was physically without even verbally showing you, but physically saying, I feel a little not seen right now. And, you know, I think that’s such an important, again, way to be a conscious parent and just being aware of the surroundings non-verbally, like someone’s telling you something, communicating with you that there may be nothing that we need to approach a little bit differently.

 

00;16;20;21 – 00;16;40;18

Dr. Mona

And like you said, even our youngest toddlers. Right. Your child was, I think you said, four youngest toddlers. They’re going to communicate in ways that you got to get curious. And I find that when we can get curious and get more accepting of this, like the what you the story you just brought up, it’s just so beautiful because then it really can make these impactful changes for when it happens again.

 

00;16;40;18 – 00;16;58;03

Dr. Mona

You know, when you’re in that moment again, it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be quote unquote perfect. That’s not what we’re saying. But it’s like you’re going to feel like, wow, look at me. Like I’ve grown. And how awesome it is to feel like you’ve grown as a parent and as a human being in these situations that may have been stressful, or you may have snapped or, you know, you did something differently, and now you’re like, you know what?

 

00;16;58;03 – 00;17;01;18

Dr. Mona

I want to change. And that change is really powerful. And I love it.

 

00;17;01;20 – 00;17;27;26

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Yeah, yeah, I love that question that you had. It’s like, what is it that conscious parents are doing differently? And the thing that really stuck out to me as I was just reflecting on that was really allowing ourselves to have a deep sense of grace and compassion for our own experiences and our own reactions, so that we can extend grace and compassion to the child.

 

00;17;27;26 – 00;17;49;27

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And so, like I can imagine, if the tables were turned and I was for and my mom, you know, it had this kind of interaction with me, she would not have been able to have some grace for herself and recognize her own behavior and its impact. You know, she would have been stuck on the intention. Here’s what I was intending to do.

 

00;17;50;00 – 00;18;21;02

Bryana Kappadakunnel

You’re taking it the wrong way. You shouldn’t be reacting this way as opposed to really owning the impact without shaming herself and really with a deep sense of compassion. And I love that as an aspect of what we teach in conscious parenting is it really teaches us how to have deep grace and compassion for ourselves. Because when we can do that, then we can extend that to the child in front of us.

 

00;18;21;02 – 00;19;09;15

Bryana Kappadakunnel

It is that really that allows us to have that deep sense of curiosity for what’s going on with the child. If I’m unable to have compassion and curiosity for myself, it will be superficial. What I’m trying to pass along to the child I will eventually burn out. It will not be something that is sustainable and I think so when all the emphasis is on what you’re doing for the child, it creates this feeling that like we’re messing up in a way, if we’re not always doing it perfectly, like it creates this false image of what we’re doing for what we’re really doing as parents is always re parenting ourselves and then leaning into parenting the

 

00;19;09;15 – 00;19;31;28

Bryana Kappadakunnel

child in front of us. For the moment. That is what we are doing. I have another story that I can share of my own upbringing, can kind of illustrate a little bit of what it might have been like for me as a kid. So when I was in the third grade, this police officer came into the classroom and it was like, do you remember like the don’t do.

 

00;19;31;28 – 00;19;35;11

Dr. Mona

Drugs can’t be like that. Okay. Yeah. So like she said, don’t do.

 

00;19;35;11 – 00;19;54;25

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Drugs campaign of the 80s in the 90s. So he comes into the classroom and he shows us like all kinds of drugs and all kinds of things. And I was like, I don’t know why I remember that, but I just remember seeing that. And then the last thing that he says is before he leaves, by the way, I just want you kids to all know that it’s never okay for a parent to hit a child.

 

00;19;54;28 – 00;20;13;14

Bryana Kappadakunnel

So if a parent is hitting a child, it’s really important that you tell somebody, does anybody here have a parent who hits them? Oh wow. And I raised my hand very like emphatically. Like I wasn’t even worried about it because we were being beat so regularly at that point. I mean, did they abuse started when I was two.

 

00;20;13;27 – 00;20;30;02

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And my for my brother, it started when he was three. So like there was just so much abuse that was happening in the home. So I raised my hand and my teacher comes over and she goes, Breanna, put your hand down. You don’t want to cause any trouble. Oh, and I was so surprised by that reaction. Like, what does she mean?

 

00;20;30;02 – 00;20;49;13

Bryana Kappadakunnel

I don’t want to cause any trouble. And so I went home and I explained to my mom and my dad that this is what happened, and that I raised my hand and said that, you know, they beat us every day. And the room got like, so quiet, like you could hear a pin drop. And she looked at me like with slams in her eyes.

 

00;20;49;20 – 00;21;10;22

Bryana Kappadakunnel

I knew I had made a terrible mistake. And she said, do you want them to come and pick you up and take you away? And I said, no. She goes, because that’s what will happen. I won’t go anywhere. I’ll stay right here, your brothers and your sisters. So I’ll stay here. Daddy will stay here, but they’ll come and take you away.

 

00;21;10;22 – 00;21;19;21

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Is that what you want? And I said, no, no, not at all. And she said, so then I suggest that you keep to yourself what happens in this family. Oh!

 

00;21;19;23 – 00;21;20;13

Dr. Mona

Oh my gosh.

 

00;21;20;13 – 00;21;41;02

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And I never spoke publicly about the abuse that we experienced until several years after her passing. Because I was terrified, you know, I was being conditioned at that point. I was being conditioned to accept family dysfunction. I was being conditioned to, you know, blood is thicker than water. You know, the Italian American. Yes. This is your blood.

 

00;21;41;02 – 00;22;02;18

Bryana Kappadakunnel

You never speak about your blood kind of thing. Yeah. I was really being conditioned to accept that the harm and abuse is how one is in relationship, as opposed to what I think could have been a critical moment in my relationship with my mom, if she would have taken the innocence. I mean, I was like 9 or 10 years old.

 

00;22;02;18 – 00;22;23;16

Bryana Kappadakunnel

I was really a child. If she would have taken the innocent feedback from that experience of, wow, is that how you are experiencing our family? That’s how I imagine if it were me, if it were a conscious parent, you would take that you oh, is this how you’re experiencing our family? I didn’t realize how hard I stand. I must have been terrified.

 

00;22;23;17 – 00;22;46;23

Bryana Kappadakunnel

This must be terrifying for you. Yeah. Gosh, let’s get us some help. Let’s go to therapy. We need help as a family. We’re terrorizing you. And this is not okay, right? That’s how conscious parent right would received that information and then would take the steps to make the change. And unfortunately, that just wasn’t the dynamic that I got to experience with my mom.

 

00;22;46;23 – 00;23;17;17

Bryana Kappadakunnel

But I will say, anyone who’s listening to this and has a mother wound and is triggered, it gets better. Seven years now, my mother’s past, and you don’t stop mothering postmortem, everybody. Yeah, you continue to mother and relationships continue to heal. And I’m finding a lot more compassion as I’ve let me tell you, Mona, as I continue to find more compassion for myself and more empathy for myself, the easier it is for me to find it for my mother as well as for my partner.

 

00;23;18;04 – 00;23;27;15

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Everybody in my life, my children included. And I just think that’s such a gift to this, mindset of raising our children.

 

00;23;27;25 – 00;23;48;22

Dr. Mona

100% of. Brianna, thank you so much for sharing a very deep part of your childhood. I you know, I know we had the episode. It’s called Becoming the Conscious Parent you wish you had. And I also agree, I do not have that conscious parent in my life. For me, it was my father who was an authoritarian parent, slapped, so, you know, more so me than my sister.

 

00;23;48;29 – 00;24;05;05

Dr. Mona

Very. My way or the highway. There was never this sort of. How did that make you feel? I don’t think to this day I’ve ever had my father ask me, how does that make you feel? Like that phrase like. And, you know, as a parent, like I already with my three year old son, we have used that phrase so many times.

 

00;24;05;05 – 00;24;21;25

Dr. Mona

How are you feeling? You know, are you sad? Are you mad? Are you frustrated? Right. And he knows these words. He says it, mommy, I’m happy today. Like he wakes up. Mommy, I feel sad and it’s so beautiful. But you know, like you said, my husband and I both didn’t have that growing up. And we want to be conscious parents that we wish we had.

 

00;24;21;25 – 00;24;40;10

Dr. Mona

You know, obviously there were some things that were done that were really good, but there were many things that were done that was not so great. As you know, I’m sure you can relate to. Yeah. And it hurts, you know, and it is to me, one of the biggest things that, like you’re saying already, one of the biggest gifts as a parent has been recognizing those things that did not work and really trying to make that change.

 

00;24;40;10 – 00;25;04;18

Dr. Mona

And if there was something that did work, you know, we did have family dinners. We did have a lot of outings we did together, like there was a lot of activities that we did like to create memories, which I do have very fond memories of, but I do not have fond memories of being slapped. You know? And any time I didn’t behave right like the authoritarian parenting style of it, if you don’t behave, if you don’t listen, if you speak out of turn, if you in any way disagree.

 

00;25;04;21 – 00;25;19;23

Dr. Mona

Right? I mean, you can’t even treat like hello. Right. And you know what you were describing in that school setting, in what your parents said after. It’s so hard to hear because I’ve been there and but also I’ve heard that from families. You know, we’re talking about things like this. And, you know, the shame that’s put on the child.

 

00;25;19;23 – 00;25;34;13

Dr. Mona

Right? Well, you don’t want mommy to be taken away like examples. Like, I know you said that you don’t. If you’d call the police, mommy’s going to go away or daddy’s going to go away, and you don’t want to be the reason why Mommy and Daddy is not here. Like the shame and guilt that is being put on these parents to the child.

 

00;25;34;13 – 00;25;51;09

Dr. Mona

I mean, it’s so I know you work with this in therapy, but it’s like it’s so heartbreaking. Obviously, as someone who really, really values that parent child relationship or that caregiver child relationship, and it is just so hard and I feel like through this process, right through this, hey, this didn’t work. I didn’t like the way that made me feel.

 

00;25;51;09 – 00;26;14;20

Dr. Mona

And I do not want to be that parent. It’s been great to really pivot and say, I’m going to go a complete 180 and really, really talk about emotions in a healthy way, and you see the difference, right? Like, I think our generation, the cycle breakers, the parents who did not grow up with conscious parents are really changing the cycle now of saying, I don’t like that, and I’m going to really tap in and see what I can do to change.

 

00;26;14;22 – 00;26;32;06

Dr. Mona

In your experience, what do you think is the biggest barrier that people face in trying to become a conscious parent? Like, why do you think maybe people have a hard time or, you know, yeah, well, that maybe you see in your practice or just what you’re hearing that it’s why is this so? Yeah. Well, for so many people to tap into this really important concept.

 

00;26;32;08 – 00;27;00;22

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Amazing question. And I would say probably the biggest barrier, is fear of change and resistance to change. Because when you have to take the microscope and I’m telling you, we can’t keep looking outward and blaming it on other people. I can’t wait for my parents to treat me better, for me to be a better parent. I can’t wait for my partner to be, you know, more involved for me to be a better parent.

 

00;27;00;22 – 00;27;21;18

Bryana Kappadakunnel

I can’t wait for my child’s behaviors to stop being annoying and an inconvenience for me. For me to be a better parent, I actually have to do the work. And that is what I think is exhausting. And then I think there isn’t a ton of guidance, which is why I wanted to come on, you know, a little bit more in a public way for what that work actually is.

 

00;27;21;18 – 00;27;46;18

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Right? Everybody talks about healing your inner child, but nobody talks about what that process looks like and how to do it and how it’s messy. And it’s not linear, and it’s not like suddenly like you do a year of therapy and then you’re healed and you’re all done. But it’s more like this constant journey. Like, are we willing to keep climbing the mountain that each one of us are situated on?

 

00;27;46;20 – 00;28;17;22

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And that’s what the deep healing work is. And when we are really taking the time to build self awareness, to really pause and ask ourselves, what is this about for me? Yeah. Wow. It is sobering. It is humbling. Yes. It takes us from our feet where we think parenting has to be done and it knocks us to our knees, which is where good, effective parenting happens.

 

00;28;17;24 – 00;28;40;20

Bryana Kappadakunnel

It happens from a place of reverence to the process. And I think that a lot of us are afraid to get down on our knees and really do that work. It might mean that we have to have a more realistic understanding of our background. You know, for some folks, it’s all that everything that happened to me was all bad.

 

00;28;40;20 – 00;29;12;13

Bryana Kappadakunnel

I can’t think of any good. And for other folks, it was all good. I can’t think of anything that was bad. So we have to like, say, polarized black and white way of looking at our, you know, formative years. Yeah. And what I think is really vital. And I think what conscious parenting facilitates is us being able to see our like, our foundational years with more nuance, see the people in our lives as complex, nuanced individuals.

 

00;29;12;15 – 00;29;46;09

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And through that process of really seeing, hey, it wasn’t okay that they hurt me, and it’s okay that I feel hurt by them and I can accept that that was their best. That’s a very definite and hard place to get to right in the beginning. It takes time to really get there. Like for a frame of reference I’m 18 years into this work and I’m really just now getting there like in the last couple of years.

 

00;29;46;11 – 00;29;52;04

Bryana Kappadakunnel

That’s how much effort it takes to really unlearn.

 

00;29;52;04 – 00;29;52;20

Dr. Mona

Yes.

 

00;29;52;20 – 00;30;13;02

Bryana Kappadakunnel

All of the conditioning, the hurt, the pain, the suffering that you were told is necessary to be a good girl or to be a good boy or to survive or, you know, to be successful or whatever other ridiculous things, delusions, we were told. Right. That’s about how long it might take for all of us to really get there.

 

00;30;13;02 – 00;30;38;25

Bryana Kappadakunnel

So this is a journey, and I think that’s why maybe something maybe like these alternative approaches to parenting are less sought after because the effects are not immediate. There are some long term impact, but there’s not an immediate effect. Whereas like if I spank a kid, I’m going to have an immediate effect and it’s going to be in my favor because they’re going to do what I tell them to do.

 

00;30;38;27 – 00;31;15;10

Bryana Kappadakunnel

If I throw the kid into timeout, it will have an immediate effect. If I yell and scream at a child, they’re going to stop and they’re going to finally listen, right? So there’s this immediate there’s an immediacy, even though long term we know the negative impact. I mean, I don’t even have to go through that. Anybody can just Google at this point if they want to see the long term impact of authoritarian, parenting, then of course, the other side of it is the permissive and then the not setting any boundaries and giving the children so much warmth and love and nurturing, but having, you know, little structure and as a result, producing a ton

 

00;31;15;10 – 00;31;33;17

Bryana Kappadakunnel

of anxiety. And children who really do want parents guidance, they want our guardrails, you know what I mean? They want to know, like, I’m not walking across this bridge with nothing to hold on to if I fall, if I get over to close to the edge. And that’s what we’re trying to do. We’re just trying to like, give the guardrails for the child.

 

00;31;33;19 – 00;32;03;13

Bryana Kappadakunnel

And that is where I think conscious parenting leads us. And it starts from a place of self-awareness, deep connection for the child, and then boundaries that come from a place of love and respect for oneself, as well as for the child. Boundaries that are not overly controlling. Right. Because I need to exert my need for control or my, you know, my need for power and authority, which I don’t really have anyway.

 

00;32;03;13 – 00;32;27;22

Bryana Kappadakunnel

We do not have power and authority over other people. We are sovereign spirits. But instead. Hey, sweetheart, you know pushing your brother is not okay when you knock him down. That hurts his body. We need to find another way to play. Let’s work on it together. That is a respectful boundary for a young child. If I throw them in timeout, if I stink them, I’m not teaching them anything.

 

00;32;27;22 – 00;32;47;00

Bryana Kappadakunnel

They’re not learning the skill. And when I really take the time to see what is it that my child is missing, what is it that my child is needing from me? And I’m able to access that because I’ve been doing this work and doing it for myself, right? It’s almost like I don’t want to say effortless, but it’s like organic.

 

00;32;47;02 – 00;33;04;28

Bryana Kappadakunnel

It literally feels organic to meet the child in that way. Yeah. I don’t have to think about what words do I have to say because it is not. It’s truly not about the words. It is about the connection that I have to myself and to my child in the moment. And that connection is there because I’m actively fostering it.

 

00;33;05;04 – 00;33;26;15

Bryana Kappadakunnel

We have to get back to deep connection as our, you know, driving force for what we’re doing as parents and what we’re doing as a world, really. We have to get back to deep connection. To me, this is the most effective and my favorite way to do it. It’s my way in, right? I’m not a policymaker. I’m not legislative.

 

00;33;26;15 – 00;33;32;13

Bryana Kappadakunnel

I can’t do anything like that. But I know how to work with parents, I know children, and to me this is the way into that.

 

00;33;32;17 – 00;33;52;25

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love it. And it’s so true. And this whole conversation and it’s, you know, entirety has just been that. So I am just so grateful to have this conversation with you to get this out there into the world, because I completely agree. It resonates so deeply with me. It’s how I feel too. And like I said, we are the cycle breakers and parents need to hear the why, right?

 

00;33;52;25 – 00;34;11;19

Dr. Mona

Like why this is so important, why this is going to change your life and revolutionize the way you parent. And like we said earlier, it’s going to be a cycle that in a positive way makes your child become a better person. I believe a better parent. If they do decide to become a parent, it’s going to really enrich our children’s life and our life.

 

00;34;11;19 – 00;34;26;04

Dr. Mona

It’s not just about the child. Like we said at the beginning, this is a whole family benefit. What would be your final take home message for everyone listening? I mean, you had so many paroles. I’ve been like just eating all of it up just because again, I just think it’s so important the way you say it, the impact.

 

00;34;26;04 – 00;34;44;28

Dr. Mona

I mean, you are not a legislator like you said, but we have power in podcasting. We have power through the work that we do. So what would be your final message for everyone? Let’s say for the people who feel like they can’t do this or that, you know, like you already said already with the why they struggle so much, for people who want to be a conscious parent that they never had themselves.

 

00;34;45;01 – 00;35;04;08

Bryana Kappadakunnel

So what I want you to do every single time you have the feeling that you can’t do this, that you’re not enough, that whatever, that you’re a failure at this, I want you to put your hand over your heart, and I want you to tell yourself, it’s okay, that this is hard. That does not mean that I am broken.

 

00;35;04;10 – 00;35;30;03

Bryana Kappadakunnel

That does not mean that I am defective. That does not mean that I’m incapable of this work. It’s okay that this is hard. And that’s where you start. We have to get comfortable with meeting ourselves where we are at and doing that without judgment and with full compassion and grace. And it is a practice. It’s a practice that we’re leaning into.

 

00;35;30;05 – 00;35;43;02

Bryana Kappadakunnel

So let’s start with that. And then from there it will pour over. It will pour out of you into your child because you have nurtured this within you, you will see a change.

 

00;35;43;02 – 00;36;05;28

Dr. Mona

Completely agree that you will. It’s just an empowering, amazing thing that feeds into itself, like I because I practice it as well. Because I see the benefit of it as especially as a child of a family or parent that was not a conscious parent. I see the benefit. I know you do too, right? You see those white and black the night and day of the differences here of wow, this was not my upbringing.

 

00;36;05;28 – 00;36;20;04

Dr. Mona

I’m so grateful that I’m able to provide this, and I was able to do this, and I’m going to continue to do. And then you want to do it more. You realize this and you’re like, this is just going to snowball into this amazing thing. Like it’s just such a beautiful thing. And, Brianna, where can everyone find you?

 

00;36;20;04 – 00;36;29;18

Dr. Mona

Because I hope people are going to utilize your resources. And, you know, anything your Instagram, your website. I want to make sure I add this all to our show notes for the episode today.

 

00;36;29;20 – 00;36;55;28

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Thank you. Of course, so you can find me on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook and YouTube at Conscious Mommy. And if you’re looking for some support, I have workshops and classes, all of which can be found at learning Dot conscious mommy.com. And yeah, if you’re needing some individualized support, I do offer some parent coaching. And you’re able to find all of that information at Conscious mommy.com.

 

00;36;55;28 – 00;36;59;11

Bryana Kappadakunnel

So connect with me and we will see how we can support you.

 

00;36;59;11 – 00;37;12;18

Dr. Mona

Yes. And I have a feeling Brianna is going to be on my podcast again because I really just enjoyed this conversation. Like I said, I just think it’s such an important thing that we had to get out into the world. So thanks again, Brianna, for joining us today.

 

00;37;12;20 – 00;37;14;13

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Thank you so much. It was a pleasure.

 

00;37;14;18 – 00;37;32;04

Dr. Mona

And for everyone listening, if you love this episode, and I have a feeling you did, because I’m like literally sitting at the edge of my seat wanting to talk more. But as you know, I try to keep these episodes short for our busy lives. But please leave a review call out this episode and why you loved it so much, how it resonated with you, and how it’s going to change your life.

 

00;37;32;08 – 00;37;46;07

Dr. Mona

This helps us create even more amazing, impactful episodes and continue to invite the guests that you all really love. So thank you for joining us and make sure to leave that review today, and I can’t wait to chat with another guest next week. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always.

 

00;37;46;07 – 00;37;48;03

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Please leave a review.

 

00;37;48;05 – 00;37;49;19

Dr. Mona

Share this episode with a friend.

 

00;37;49;19 – 00;37;51;05

Bryana Kappadakunnel

Share it on your social media.

 

00;37;51;08 – 00;37;59;01

Dr. Mona

Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.