Anytime you have told yourself you’re not good enough, you’re not capable of, or you have to be better at something that comes from somewhere in your childhood. On today’s episode, I welcome Mary Beth Fox, a licensed professional counselor and owner of The Inner Child Therapist to discuss the not good enough stuff carried from childhood. We discuss:

• What “not good enough stuff is”
• Why and how these present in relationships and parenting
• How we can limit this cycle

00;00;01;02 – 00;00;32;07

Mary Beth Fox

Not get enough stuff is essentially that feeling that every single person in the entire world has had subconscious and conscious of not feeling good enough, not being good enough for something, for someone, for so many different things. It’s different for so many people. But every single client I’ve ever had and every friend, family member, everybody I’ve ever known on some level has struggled with not feeling good enough and those grow.

 

00;00;32;07 – 00;00;43;13

Mary Beth Fox

They begin in childhood, they can begin in the womb, and they grow and grow and get bigger and bigger and bigger. And that shapes so many things in our lives.

 

00;00;43;15 – 00;01;15;16

Dr. Mona

Hello everyone, and welcome back to the show. I continue to get to talk to the most amazing guests on this podcast, to have conversations about parenthood, child health, development, and so much more. Thank you for tuning in today and being here. On today’s episode, I welcome Mary Beth Fox, who is a licensed professional counselor and owner of the Mental health blog Not Good Enough Stuff, and we are talking today about how we carry the not good enough stuff from our childhood and what we can do about it as parents.

 

00;01;15;16 – 00;01;17;29

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me today, Mary Beth.

 

00;01;18;01 – 00;01;23;10

Mary Beth Fox

Yes, thank you for having me. I’m really excited to talk about this because I’m so passionate about it.

 

00;01;23;12 – 00;01;42;25

Dr. Mona

I am excited as well. So a little backstory for all of our listeners. My husband has been going through a lot of self-growth, learning about how a lot of his childhood trauma has affected him as a parent, and he came across your blog, the Not Good Enough Stuff blog. And he said to me, he’s like, Mona, her stuff is amazing.

 

00;01;43;01 – 00;02;00;22

Dr. Mona

It would be so cool if you can have her on the podcast. And I’ve reached out to Mary Beth and she was able to get on the show, and I’m so grateful because so much of what she talks about is so important for us as parents, because it’s really understanding all of those things that come from our childhood that can affect us and how we show up for our kids.

 

00;02;00;22 – 00;02;14;14

Dr. Mona

So again, thank you. I wanted to share that little backstory because I think it’s a cool way that I found you as a guest. And so if you can tell us more about yourself, why you started this blog and why this topic is so important to you.

 

00;02;14;16 – 00;02;37;26

Mary Beth Fox

Yeah. So the reason that I started this blog was I was saying that I have a very different way of looking at things and understanding where they came from and how to heal them. And I am, a therapist, licensed professional counselor, and I wanted to be able to reach more people than just the patients that I see.

 

00;02;38;02 – 00;03;02;10

Mary Beth Fox

And so I decided that a blog was the way to do that, to be able to reach the most people I could. And I was so glad that your husband was able to find me, because that was my goal, is to reach people that aren’t here, that I see at my practice. The way I got started just in this field to begin with, is me having done my own personal healing work.

 

00;03;02;17 – 00;03;34;04

Mary Beth Fox

I had a lot of childhood trauma myself, and I didn’t go to therapy. It wasn’t an option for me because we were supposed to have the perfect little family and not talk about the reality of my own father being an alcoholic, the violence, the having to leave the home because of what was going on and not supposed to talk about it to anybody, and so when I was 28, long story short, I was in a terrible car wreck.

 

00;03;34;07 – 00;04;18;01

Mary Beth Fox

Had Doctor Mono, you know, I had subluxation of C1 and C2, which is severe wisdom. And I wasn’t able to work for a few years. That wreck was my quote unquote excuse to be able to go to therapy now to help me mentally recover from all that my life was changed from. And in that I saw all of the childhood trauma that had shaped my entire life without my knowing in such negative ways, and my own healing journey through that and not being able to work landed me in grad school to be able to help other people, because I had learned that I could heal, I could learn to love myself.

 

00;04;18;01 – 00;04;23;21

Mary Beth Fox

I could learn how to create a life that I never, ever imagined was even possible.

 

00;04;23;23 – 00;04;56;21

Dr. Mona

This is amazing. Yeah, I love that this platform of yours has been created out of necessity. And obviously, you know that you have this voice that can help so many. That’s why I love the internet in so many ways that the internet obviously has negative things about it. But this is, you know, your platform, the things that you bring is why I’m just so grateful for blogs and for social media, and that we are sharing stories, but we’re also sharing ways to change behavior and advocate for those changes, you know, and you brought up how it took a very life shattering event, like a car accident, to kind of open your eyes and to

 

00;04;56;21 – 00;05;19;20

Dr. Mona

saying, I need to really do some work myself. And same thing for our family. You know, we kind of were coasting for our life, and it was my son’s delivery, you know, we had a very traumatic delivery that really shattered my husband more so than me. And I, in the last two and a half years, you know, I’ve seen him change where he’s really like he had a really hard time coping, and he realized that a lot of that coping and a lot of that came from childhood.

 

00;05;19;20 – 00;05;35;04

Dr. Mona

And I don’t think people realize that until maybe a big event happens. And I, I always tell people I’m like, I don’t want to wait for the big events. Like, I don’t want you to have that central event that happens that you can also start doing the work now to say what worked in childhood and what didn’t. And it doesn’t have to be this obvious thing.

 

00;05;35;04 – 00;05;52;06

Dr. Mona

Sometimes you know, it can be like for my husband, it’s very little things that have all added up, you know, and it’s such an important thing. So thank you for sharing that personal story as to how this started and what is exactly, you know, that not good enough stuff that you kind of created that platform on that we’re talking about today.

 

00;05;52;06 – 00;05;53;28

Dr. Mona

How would you describe that to everyone listening.

 

00;05;54;05 – 00;06;24;25

Mary Beth Fox

Yes. So not get enough stuff is essentially that feeling that every single person in the entire world has had, subconscious and conscious of not feeling good enough, not being good enough for something, for someone, for so many different things. It’s different for so many people. But every single client I’ve ever had and every friend, family member, everybody I’ve ever known on some level has struggled with not feeling good enough.

 

00;06;24;28 – 00;06;50;17

Mary Beth Fox

And those grow. They begin in childhood. They can begin in the womb, and they grow and grow and get bigger and bigger and bigger. And that shapes so many things in our lives in such a negative way. And I know for me, a lot of not not good enough stuff shaped me into a career that I thought I had to have to have prestige and, you know, make all this money.

 

00;06;50;17 – 00;07;14;24

Mary Beth Fox

I was doing pharmaceutical sales and I was miserable, but I thought I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t good enough. If I followed my dreams to do this or that or that, I would fail. And with relationships, all these very unhealthy relationships, because I didn’t think I was good enough for a good man. And sometimes it’s conscious, sometimes it’s subconscious.

 

00;07;15;00 – 00;07;29;09

Mary Beth Fox

A lot of times people aren’t even aware of it and they believe their personality. Is this things that came from are these things that came from they’re not good enough stuff, and that has nothing to do with who they are. Nothing.

 

00;07;29;11 – 00;07;45;09

Dr. Mona

Oh, this is so interesting. And I think a lot of it, you know, is I guess the big question here is where do you think this comes from? I mean, is this from the adults in our life as kids? Is it from the relationships that we have? I know, so that it can start in the womb, but where are we getting this kind of perception that we’re not good enough?

 

00;07;45;11 – 00;08;14;09

Mary Beth Fox

Yeah. So I can be kind of out there for a lot of people. So I will say that I do believe it can start in the womb. I’ll just give you an example of myself for that. And then I’ll move to for the people who aren’t as far out there with their beliefs, as I am. But I know for me, for the majority of my life, until my late 30s, I was told that I was planned, that my parents had wanted me.

 

00;08;14;09 – 00;08;37;02

Mary Beth Fox

I’m the baby of the family. And then, just out of nowhere, was told by my mother one day, like I had never been told that story. Yeah, I didn’t want another baby. And I was told that my mother had wanted to have an abortion, but my father didn’t want her to. And so I know from in the womb that I absorbed that I don’t want her.

 

00;08;37;04 – 00;08;58;17

Mary Beth Fox

I don’t want this baby. We’re not in a good place with our marriage. All of that stuff of I need to fight to survive. And if you look at my life throughout all of that, that same thing of I’m not good enough to live, I don’t deserve this. Let me make myself so large so that I deserve to exist in the world.

 

00;08;58;20 – 00;09;23;06

Mary Beth Fox

So that’s a small little piece of what I’m talking about. But it can begin in the womb. You absorb the energy of everyone around you, especially mom. And also that, you take on their issues, their insecurities. They are not good enough stuff. Another example, again, for those who aren’t is out there. And that’s too hard of a concept to kind of look at is you can start say, toddlers.

 

00;09;23;12 – 00;09;50;22

Mary Beth Fox

I have a three year old and I think about how things are different for him because I’m working to heal so much generational trauma. Yeah. And so things that parents do not consciously harm their children for the most part there are some who do. But that’s a subject for another day. But things like saying you’re just being bad, you know, you’re back.

 

00;09;50;24 – 00;10;36;06

Mary Beth Fox

Excuse me. They say you’re bad or I know for me, one of the things that I heard was you just have to make yourself known. You always have to draw attention to yourself. And so I thought, because people were drawn to me, that that was a bad thing. And so I kind of hid that for a while and didn’t want people to see me because I thought it was bad, or I thought I had to be seen in a big, grand way and some other examples of that is, say, take a little baby who maybe, 5 or 6 month old baby who, when she cries, the parents say, gosh, she’s just always so whiny.

 

00;10;36;06 – 00;11;02;00

Mary Beth Fox

She’s never happy. That right there is a little ding that can begin the not good enough stuff. You know the energy absorbed that. You know the child understands the energy and, and to put that on the little bitty baby of you’re never happy again. The parents aren’t doing this intention really. They’re doing it out of frustration. And we aren’t given a manual on the most perfect thing to say to your babies and how to do everything right.

 

00;11;02;03 – 00;11;32;12

Mary Beth Fox

But, you know, say that several months later that turns into, well, she just won’t even eat anything. She’s a picky eater. Yeah. She’s skinny, she’s not healthy. Look at her, she does it, blah blah blah blah blah. So that’s more not good enough stuff. Put on this little one. And then if you take this little girl and grow our, to say three years and say that she goes to preschool and one of the teacher says, oh, well, you have your shoes on their own feet.

 

00;11;32;12 – 00;11;50;17

Mary Beth Fox

You don’t know how to do that. You don’t know how to put your shoes on the right feet. Now, the teacher, does it mean that you know, in a harmful way they’re not told. They’re the best imperfect thing to say, that you take all those little dames like I’m talking about, and they start adding up bigger and bigger and bigger, too.

 

00;11;50;17 – 00;12;27;26

Mary Beth Fox

I’m not good enough to, you know, you move that little one up through out her childhood and that foundation of not being good enough, just crying all the time. Never going to be happy. To doesn’t know how to put your shoes on. Right. And then when a lot bigger things start happening and those messages get louder and louder and louder, what happens is you’ve got a little girl who then becomes a teenager who thinks she’s not good enough for anything, and she thinks that who she is.

 

00;12;27;29 – 00;12;47;29

Mary Beth Fox

So she may decide she shouldn’t be around friends that she’s not a good friend, or that nobody’s going to like her so she withdrawals for everybody, or she decides not to try and school anymore because what’s it matter? I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. Or she may go down the perfectionist route and I need to prove it because I’m not good enough.

 

00;12;47;29 – 00;13;17;15

Mary Beth Fox

I need to prove I’m good enough. And, you know, I mean, I’m sure you can look at following that all the way out through careers, relationships. Let me do everything for you, and you can treat me like you know what? Yeah. That’s what I deserve. Or the opposite, you know? I’m going to, you know, not take anything from anybody and, you know, not allowing somebody to love them because they didn’t believe they were good enough for that.

 

00;13;17;18 – 00;13;37;12

Dr. Mona

Well, I love that you prefaced it by saying, you know, that some people might think that the, you know, in the womb example that you gave is a little outlandish, but I actually completely agree. I mean, we know from a developmental standpoint that the first thousand days, you know, the time that the child is conceived to the time that they are two years old, that’s a thousand days that there is a lot of development that’s happening.

 

00;13;37;12 – 00;14;00;05

Dr. Mona

Obviously, what the mother is eating, the person who is housing that baby, the mother’s feelings. I mean, we’re not shaming people to think that they can’t be upset or they can’t be sad or they can’t do this. But yeah, your health and mental health, physical and mental comforters, while you’re carrying a baby and also while you are postpartum, you know, that’s why we advocate so much for mental health and physical health.

 

00;14;00;08 – 00;14;16;22

Dr. Mona

And that’s going to look, again, different for people to people. But I agree with you. I think there is an understanding and, you know, using an example like if a child isn’t, you know, like you said, wanted quote unquote, the decisions that that parent could make could look different, right? They may not be as careful with the decisions that they make, the things that they’re consuming.

 

00;14;16;22 – 00;14;31;07

Dr. Mona

You know, I’m talking about drugs, alcohol, things like that. Like we see that in the medical landscape, you know, that if, child is not wanted. I’ve seen mothers tell me that I don’t care what I do with my body. Like, I don’t want this baby anyways. I’m going to give it up for an adoption. And so there is differences there.

 

00;14;31;14 – 00;14;52;11

Dr. Mona

And what you’re also describing. And I love your example about the labels. Right. The picky eating. Oh you are so picky. You are so whiny. You’re such a complainer. I mean, it goes down like you said to those early years. You gave the example of like a six month old who may be crying like, I see it in colic, you know, those first three months, then you are right on to say that it is hard for the parent.

 

00;14;52;11 – 00;15;20;02

Dr. Mona

I’m not denying that at all, that having a baby who cries a lot is not difficult, but putting the shame and the blame on the child completely. I mean, this is they’re just a baby. I mean, they’re a kid. They’re trying to express needs. They don’t know what they’re doing. I mean, they’re learning about the world. And so again, I love that you bring that up because it’s not a I think sometimes when parents hear that, oh, like, you know, all these decisions that we make in our health matters and this is how we approach things, it is a way of understanding that, yeah, we don’t want to put this shame and all this on

 

00;15;20;02 – 00;15;34;27

Dr. Mona

our kids, and there is a way to just, you know, say that this is hard for me, but I’m not going to put the blame and shame on my child. I can just say that this is hard for me, but my kid is not the reason why my life is such and such, right? My kid is also going through a fussy episode right now.

 

00;15;34;28 – 00;15;55;19

Dr. Mona

Maybe not eating what I expect them to eat, but they’re a child like I as a parent have to be the one to be the guide. I think a lot of parents feel like so frustrated with their kids sometimes. And don’t get me wrong, like I’ve been frustrated too. But I also know that I’m the adult here. Like you said, I have to do the work to understand why am I being triggered by my son’s tantrum right now?

 

00;15;55;19 – 00;16;13;09

Dr. Mona

It’s not my son’s tantrum. It’s something that happened in my day or maybe something that happened in my childhood. Why am I so upset that he’s not eating his meal? Is it because I was told when I was younger that I should finish my plate, and that I’m so skinny and I have to gain weight? And if I don’t gain weight, no one’s going to want to be with me, you know, as a as a relationship.

 

00;16;13;09 – 00;16;29;24

Dr. Mona

I mean, there’s so much stuff, like you said, that comes from the childhood of like that not going into stuff that parents really need to understand. Why am I feeling frustrated? Is it that I feel like I can’t soothe my baby? Is it that I feel like I’m not good enough to be a parent like you’re describing? Like, why am I feeling that way?

 

00;16;29;24 – 00;16;49;14

Dr. Mona

And I love the way you talked about that, because it really all comes down to trying to reduce the shame that we put on our children. Because they are children, they are trying to learn about the world, and we are responsible for them as much as we. It sounds scary, it’s it’s the truth. And I know you agree with that, that we are responsible for guiding them with compassion, with love, with healthy boundaries.

 

00;16;49;14 – 00;16;51;28

Dr. Mona

And that requires us to do a lot of self-growth and work.

 

00;16;52;05 – 00;17;17;01

Mary Beth Fox

Yes. And I always tell parents, because every patient I work with you as a parent or is going to be a parent, I tell them you are going to screw your child up in some way. Yes, yes, no parent escape that ever, ever. What you can do is teach them how to heal. The way to do that. I did this when I was pregnant.

 

00;17;17;01 – 00;17;41;12

Mary Beth Fox

There was a lot of family drama going on while I was pregnant, and I was several years into my healing journey, thankfully, and I knew the conversation I needed to have with my baby and my belly and telling. And this has nothing to do with you. Mommy is sad. Mommy is angry that this was done. I am not angry at you.

 

00;17;41;12 – 00;18;03;09

Mary Beth Fox

I am so happy and have such love for you. That doesn’t have to change when baby is outside. I have those same conversations with my three year old. It’s about the corrective piece. It’s not about oh my gosh if anybody’s listening. And I said all of those things that they both just named oh my God I’ve screwed my child up.

 

00;18;03;11 – 00;18;33;21

Mary Beth Fox

And you can still correct it. You can still help them. You can still guide them and help them learn a better way to do that. And the biggest way I do that, and I teach my patients to do that, is talking about the corrective piece for myself. So my little one, he knows that if I’m angry, if I’m sad, I name what I am feeling and tell him, you know why I’m feeling that way.

 

00;18;33;24 – 00;18;57;27

Mary Beth Fox

The corrective piece comes into play where I tell him what I’m going to do to take care of myself, that maybe go outside to take a break that may be going to therapy, that may be calling a friend who can listen to me, that may be one day going to eat some ice cream. Yeah. But I teach him what I’m feeling.

 

00;18;57;27 – 00;19;16;07

Mary Beth Fox

I talk about it. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel all these things. I name my feelings, and I give the corrective piece of what I’m doing to take care of myself so that he begins to see that modeled, to learn as he gets older, what he can do to take care of himself.

 

00;19;16;10 – 00;19;38;09

Dr. Mona

And you’re so right on that. I think parents get so used to the labeling. Like, I think that’s common right now, but I think people are often forgetting that second portion, which in my opinion is even more important than the labeling. Like, you could label all you want feelings, but if you’re not modeling how you’re correct, like how you’re doing the correction, you know, like, what is it that you’re going to do to show coping and to show that resiliency that, okay, I felt this feeling.

 

00;19;38;13 – 00;19;54;11

Dr. Mona

You saw me get upset or whatever. I said, you know, and now you’re seeing me repair and do something about it. And you would agree that that’s something that can be done really early, like you have a three year old. I also have done that since Ryan was like, I’ve been doing that since he was born. I do it, I do it, even if he didn’t understand because I feel like it matters.

 

00;19;54;11 – 00;20;07;25

Dr. Mona

Like I do feel like parents are like, oh, it’s only a five year old. But no, like they want all children like to copy their caregivers. Like in terms of inflection of voice and also mirroring emotions. I love that. I think it’s so and such an important concept.

 

00;20;07;28 – 00;20;09;11

Mary Beth Fox

Yes, yes.

 

00;20;09;14 – 00;20;25;29

Dr. Mona

And so how would you say I mean, I know you already gave some examples, but is there anything else you’d want to add on? Why this non good or not good enough? Stuff like this feeling that we have, how it can present in relationships and more importantly how it presents in parenting. You know why it’s something important that we should be recognizing.

 

00;20;26;02 – 00;20;55;28

Mary Beth Fox

Yes, absolutely. So the not good enough stuff from childhood, Wham! All of that, in my opinion, adds up to trauma, childhood trauma. People don’t recognize that they had childhood trauma, and then they have all of these issues as an adult. Or when they become a parent, it becomes even more in their face and bigger that they don’t recognize they had trauma throughout their childhood, that all those quote unquote little things.

 

00;20;55;28 – 00;21;30;08

Mary Beth Fox

I was naming the examples of the child, all of that adds up to a huge piece of trauma that was not named as that and not recognized as that. So then they’re left with this. I’m not good enough. I’m so screwed up. I fail at relationships or finding somebody who is going to validate their not good enough stuff, beliefs about themselves, so that they stay there or they marry somebody who’s going to trigger the mess out of them.

 

00;21;30;11 – 00;21;59;16

Mary Beth Fox

And they’re not getting enough stuff is going to fight with their, their partner’s back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And nobody heals. And, you know, then dysfunctional relationship and then they may get into another and they may get into another. And then when the not good enough stuff of the parents is so large and never healed, the child has no option other than to absorb that, because the parents put that on their children.

 

00;21;59;18 – 00;22;22;15

Mary Beth Fox

And so that’s, you know, generational trauma is a big, huge thing that people are looking at now because it just continues and continues and continues. And I’ve seen so many parents, their insecurities get so large at the ages that were the most difficult for them throughout their childhood. And their children trigger them. But they don’t look at oh my gosh.

 

00;22;22;15 – 00;22;39;28

Mary Beth Fox

When I was eight that was the first time we had to leave the house because of a drunken rage by my father. And so when I was working with a child who was eight or when my nieces for eight years old, I was like, oh God, they are just, I didn’t want to be around them.

 

00;22;40;01 – 00;22;41;15

Dr. Mona

I’m just saying, yeah, yeah.

 

00;22;41;21 – 00;22;53;27

Mary Beth Fox

Until I looked at what that age was for me. And until we do that, we’re going to get triggered at all the big ages that were difficult for us while our children go through those stages.

 

00;22;53;29 – 00;23;20;10

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. You know, I brought the example up about my husband finding you through the blog. Right. And a lot of it was because of our discussions that we’ve had about him bringing his generational trauma to the relationship, me bringing in some trauma. I mean, we all have some trauma from our childhood. And you said it earlier that every parent is going to have a child where they’re maybe going to have an issue with their parent, meaning it’s not your child is going to not think that you were.

 

00;23;20;13 – 00;23;41;13

Dr. Mona

You did everything perfectly right. And that is okay. Like that is okay. There’s going to be some self-worth that your child is going to have to do because we are human beings, right? Like I tell my husband this all the time that, I dream is that if Ryan ever got to the age where he was like, hey, I want to see a therapist, I’m going to feel proud that he actually told us that this is something he wants to do to improve himself, right?

 

00;23;41;13 – 00;23;59;11

Dr. Mona

That wow, we did a great job, that he is so insightful knowing that he needs some help because even therapy is taboo, right? Like even therapy is generational trauma that we grew up in both households. That therapist frowned upon, like when we told our family that we saw a therapist after our son’s delivery. They’re like, why do you need to do that?

 

00;23;59;11 – 00;24;14;00

Dr. Mona

I’m like, well, I almost died. My son almost died. And even without that, I don’t get it. This isn’t always need to be a big Sentinel event again, right? Like it could just be that you’re not feeling in a great space and you want to learn all these things that you’re talking about, the coping skills and how to break all these cycles.

 

00;24;14;07 – 00;24;35;14

Dr. Mona

So I completely agree with that. I think it’s so important, and it is something so important to me and my husband. I mean, we’ve talked about it on the podcast, but I really think it is something that’s going to make our relationship better. And already I see it with how we parent our son. Right? We really recognize those moments where we’re like, I’m getting like almost like a flashback to how my dad acted when he was angry.

 

00;24;35;14 – 00;24;56;20

Dr. Mona

Right? Like, my dad used to slap us when he was angry. And that is something that was emotional, generational trauma. And when I’m getting frustrated, I have to remember, like, I get visuals sometimes of my dad slapping me and I have to tell myself I’m like, I’m not going to do this for my son. He is not responsible for how I respond in this moment, like he’s having a feeling and I need to control my response to this.

 

00;24;56;20 – 00;25;13;21

Dr. Mona

And, you know, obviously it hasn’t happened with my my dad did to us. But like, it is so important to recognize that. Right. And that’s going to come up in those hard parenting moments. Like you said, those moments where your child is not eating or having an emotional moment because you’re going to go back to those moments and be like, wow, yeah.

 

00;25;13;21 – 00;25;25;12

Dr. Mona

When I was a child, a young school aged kid, when my dad was angry, this is what happened. Or, you know, in your examples that you’ve given or my husband or everyone else listening, I think can think of if you actually look, you can think of where this came from.

 

00;25;25;15 – 00;25;57;24

Mary Beth Fox

Yeah, absolutely. And it is so hard to fight what you were tall and what you were shown, because you’re caring every generation before you of how it was done. Typically, I know, the way I was raised was just the way that my parents were raised and so, so on and so on. Like you’re saying, it’s almost like, oh, this is what I’m supposed to do, like your body and your mind automatically almost wants to, like, do what was done to you because it’s just like, that’s what you learned.

 

00;25;57;27 – 00;26;15;14

Mary Beth Fox

And it is such a hard battle to like you were saying is, no, I’m choosing to be healthy. I’m choosing to be unconditionally loving whatever it is you are choosing that is healthy and compassion for yourself when you don’t get it the best way. Yeah.

 

00;26;15;16 – 00;26;31;17

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love this. And you know, one of the last questions I have is, I guess one of the Lotus, the, you know, most loaded question is how can we or where do we start in limiting the cycle, you know, like recognizing and trying to make the changes, so that we don’t bring that not good enough stuff into our parenting or relationships.

 

00;26;31;19 – 00;26;37;02

Mary Beth Fox

Yes. So I think the first thing is just to admit that you have it.

 

00;26;37;05 – 00;26;38;07

Dr. Mona

Yes.

 

00;26;38;10 – 00;26;39;04

Mary Beth Fox

 

00;26;39;07 – 00;26;42;26

Dr. Mona

To do that, you probably agree that a lot of people have difficulty admitting it, right?

 

00;26;42;28 – 00;26;46;02

Mary Beth Fox

Oh, absolutely. So interesting to me, the people.

 

00;26;46;04 – 00;26;59;29

Dr. Mona

I it sounds it’s probably my toxic trait, but I can like when I’m like talking to friends, talking to people like, I’m like, I can recognize it. Like I’m again, I’m not a therapist. But obviously by being a pediatrician and learning so much about this, like, I like look. And I’m like, if you could just admit that you want to change.

 

00;26;59;29 – 00;27;16;24

Dr. Mona

Like, we could really change. Like we could really get you to be in this amazing place. Like, it’s like my my trait that I’m like, I should probably stop, you know, trying to get people to have self-growth. Like, I’m so into self-growth and, like, changing for the better. And my husband’s the same way. We’re like, you know, why don’t our friends talk about these issues?

 

00;27;16;24 – 00;27;28;11

Dr. Mona

Like, we all have gone through it like we all have had something to some degree. So you’re right that it is the first thing. But I had to add that comment because I’m sure as a therapist you’re probably like, just just admit it. You need to admit it.

 

00;27;28;18 – 00;27;59;00

Mary Beth Fox

I know, and I think, you know, anybody that this podcast speaks to, they’re aware they wouldn’t be listening to you if they weren’t. But what I say is figure out the best way that works for you to name maybe the top three kind of categories of you’re not good enough stuff. So what I mean by that is like for me, one of my biggest ones was growing up was that I’m not pretty.

 

00;27;59;02 – 00;28;20;11

Mary Beth Fox

And so everything about my physical appearance was never enough in my mind because I was told that I was shown that it was implied all these different things. And so that would be one of my biggest, not good enough staff would have been my physical appearance that I did so much work on healing, that loving how I look, accepting myself.

 

00;28;20;18 – 00;28;51;15

Mary Beth Fox

So finding maybe what your top three would be, and walking yourself into looking for hard core facts that prove it to be true. And you know what? When I really looked at that example of I’m not pretty, I’m not good enough physically, I couldn’t find any hardcore proof that said that I have long, curly red hair. And for years and years, my entire life, I’ve gotten so many compliments about my hair that I absolutely love nail.

 

00;28;51;18 – 00;29;22;17

Mary Beth Fox

I have blue eyes, thank you. Blue eyes that I love. I work hard to be healthy, physically and all these things. And I have an absolutely beautiful soul. And I know that because I worked hard to get myself to that place, my pure, beautiful soul. I was born with. And there is not one thing that proves I’m not pretty, or I’m ugly or any of these things that is actual truth might be somebody’s opinion, but there is no truth.

 

00;29;22;19 – 00;29;49;26

Mary Beth Fox

And somebodies opinion doesn’t have anything to do with me. So looking for proof to say, is this really true? And then letting yourself get to a point of okay, well, if I can’t find hardcore proof that this is true, then let me find proof of it not being true. And I think doing that, that could take six months, six years, that just that piece because it’s probably been so much of a person’s life.

 

00;29;49;29 – 00;30;08;03

Mary Beth Fox

Yeah, I think that’s a really good start. And if it feels like too many to start with, three start with one or so, just with anything really broad. Just I’m not good enough. If that’s where you need to start, start there. Look for the proof and look for the proof that says it’s false to.

 

00;30;08;05 – 00;30;25;16

Dr. Mona

What’s is so important. And it seems so simple. I mean, I you know, the way you say it and even just the phrase that you put like, just look at the things that you have told yourself that you’re not good enough doing. I mean, we know that. And I see it a lot, like in when I talk to other mothers on my platform, like a lot of mothers feel like they’re not good enough to be a mom.

 

00;30;25;16 – 00;30;40;21

Dr. Mona

Like just giving that as an example. Okay, so where is that coming from? Why do we feel this way? Is it something about motherhood? Is it something that you’ve been told, like where is it coming from? And a lot of it can come from the expectations of things that were told in childhood and maybe something that developed later in life.

 

00;30;40;21 – 00;31;12;02

Dr. Mona

But I do agree that a lot of things that we carry now come from childhood, which is why I’m so passionate about this podcast, talking to people like yourself. Just because I do think that there is so much that happens in that first 7 to 8 years of a child’s life, that really sets the emotional coping foundation of how we approach relationships and our self, you know, our body image, like, your example is beautiful, that I’m so grateful that you’ve gotten to a point where you look at yourself in the mirror and you love yourself and my husband has openly talked about this already on another episode, and I’m not outing him

 

00;31;12;02 – 00;31;27;14

Dr. Mona

or in any way, but he has not loved his body, you know, for 39 years he has not loved his body and he’s a grown man who has a child. And it comes from that not good enough stuff, right? His parents telling him that you are not good enough, you’re too skinny, you’re too this. Like, why don’t you look like this?

 

00;31;27;14 – 00;31;43;06

Dr. Mona

And it took him the last two years to kind of get to that point. And I’m so glad he did. Right. Because it helps him be happier. And it also helps our son have a role model that understands that your worth is more than just how you look, but how do you love yourself as a man? How do you love yourself as a parent?

 

00;31;43;06 – 00;32;00;22

Dr. Mona

And your children are going to learn that? And I love talking to you, Mary Beth, I think this is such a great conversation. I can’t wait hopefully to have you on the podcast again, because this is important work like more important than what do you do in the middle of a tantrum? Okay, that’s important stuff, but what are you going to do so that you’re not getting so triggered every single time?

 

00;32;00;22 – 00;32;14;13

Dr. Mona

And like you said, like, how are we going to correct it? Like if you do lose your cool, right? Like how are you going to move forward and say, I’m going to change, this is how I’m coping. Let me show my child how I’m going to be better so that they understand, like how to carry good stuff. Right?

 

00;32;14;15 – 00;32;17;03

Dr. Mona

I love it. I think this is just such a great conversation. So thank.

 

00;32;17;03 – 00;32;20;20

Mary Beth Fox

You. Yes, absolutely. Thank you for having me on.

 

00;32;20;22 – 00;32;27;03

Dr. Mona

And where can people find you so I know you have the blog, but if you can tell people what that is and I’m going to put that on the show notes of the episode today.

 

00;32;27;05 – 00;32;54;04

Mary Beth Fox

Yes, absolutely. It is not good enough stuff. Dot com okay. And you can subscribe to that. I send out a weekly blog post that I write on this kind of topic. Inner child work, lots of different things, but all on a healing journey for adults and childhood trauma and healing that, you can also find me on Instagram with, not good enough stuff and on Facebook.

 

00;32;54;11 – 00;33;06;25

Mary Beth Fox

And if any of you just so happened to be in North Mississippi or the Memphis, Tennessee area, my private practice is in South Haven, Mississippi. For those of you who are wondering about my deeply southern accent.

 

00;33;06;28 – 00;33;25;02

Dr. Mona

I love it. Well, yes, going back to that story, my husband was like, how do I he messaged you, right? He was like, how do I get to work with you? You know, obviously out of state, but, not a possibility. But he did. He did find someone that’s doing great work with him. And I you know, I think it’s so admirable and I love that he’s so open about his journey because it’s it’s nice to see and it’s nice to see an a man too.

 

00;33;25;03 – 00;33;44;27

Dr. Mona

I think like sometimes men, men have a harder time. I think a lot of people do. But, really, Mary Beth, I really appreciate this. If you all love this episode, which I’m sure you did, make sure you leave a review. Wherever you can leave reviews. Apple podcasts is amazing and call out this episode. Pull up the amazing information that Mary Beth has given us today, and we will talk to you all next week.

 

00;33;44;27 – 00;34;00;21

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.