Listen up, moms! We don’t have to be Pinterest perfect moms to be a good mom. If this is something that brings you joy, that is INCREDIBLE; but it’s not a checkbox that defines your worth as a mother.  I welcome Anna—a mom from the PedsDocTalk community to chat about that mom guilt created by not being crafty and the elaborate activity planner. We discuss:

• Where guilt surrounding our actions as moms comes from
• What our children developmentally need for play
• How to reframe when you’re feeling guilty not doing enough for your kiddo

Join the PedsDocTalk email list to stay updated on the latest news on all things child health and parenting!

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;21;11

Anna

But I think when we have so many resources and we see so many other moms and parents doing all these things, you start to realize all the things that you don’t do as a parent or all the things that you don’t excel at or don’t enjoy. And my daughter is now 18 months, and so she’s in this stage of just total explosion and curiosity and wanting to do things.

 

00;00;21;11 – 00;00;47;18

Anna

And I am struggling in the like, crafty activity, elaborate space. And I’m a working mom. My husband also works and you know, I don’t have the time or the skill set or desire to create all these elaborate crafts and activities, and I feel like I’m not nurturing her brain. I guess in a way I should when I’m not doing those things.

 

00;00;47;21 – 00;01;08;23

Dr. Mona

Hello and welcome back to the show. I am Doctor Mona, and thank you so much for joining me for another episode where I get to chat with one of the moms from our community, PedsDocTalk. Make sure you leave a review for this podcast. That’s how the podcast continues to grow and how we can reach more people. And also make sure to share it on social media if you found it helpful.

 

00;01;08;25 – 00;01;29;22

Dr. Mona

On this episode, I welcome Anna, who is struggling with that mom guilt because she’s not crafty and does not plan elaborate activities for her child. Tune in to the conversation as we discuss the guilt that’s created from this mindset, and how to reframe to find more peace and joy in motherhood.

 

00;01;29;24 – 00;01;38;02

Dr. Mona

Oh hey Anna, thank you for joining me on today’s episode. So tell me, what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;01;38;04 – 00;02;06;09

Anna

Yeah, well, thanks for having me. And I think the challenge with being a mom now is challenge and benefit, right? There’s so many resources out there. You can have a support network that’s not even near you, right? Like your page is a huge support network for moms all over the place. But I think when we have so many resources and we see so many other moms and parents doing all these things, you start to realize all of the things that you don’t do as a parent, or all the things that you don’t excel at or don’t enjoy.

 

00;02;06;10 – 00;02;38;22

Anna

And, you know, my daughter is now 18 months, and so she’s in this stage of just total explosion and curiosity and wanting to do things. And I am struggling in the like, crafty activity, elaborate space. And I’m a working mom. Yeah, husband also works. You know, I don’t have the time or the skill set or desire to create all of these elaborate crafts and activities, and I feel like I’m not nurturing her brain, I guess, in the way I should when I’m not doing those things.

 

00;02;39;04 – 00;02;54;05

Dr. Mona

I relate to this so much. Do you feel like this started more after being on social media, seeing what people are doing, whether that’s influencers that are mothers or accounts that are sharing all these activities? Or are you not really following those accounts on social?

 

00;02;54;07 – 00;03;08;28

Anna

No, I definitely follow those accounts. It seems like some of those influencers are in my same age range too, right? So like they’re all in their early 30s having a kid and so it’s like our lives are changing together, which is cool. But now I’m also realizing, like, I’m not doing a lot of the things.

 

00;03;09;04 – 00;03;26;17

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I think that’s the main point of this is what you just mentioned that as moms, it’s so easy to get into that mindset of I’m not doing all of the things when we are actually doing many things right, and it’s just human nature. We always tend to focus on all the knots and not the well, you’re working.

 

00;03;26;20 – 00;03;49;25

Dr. Mona

You have a beautiful child. Maybe you’re doing things that those other people, the ones that are posting about crafty, elaborate activities, are not doing, but you’re just not seeing it, right? So we all have the sort of strengths and weaknesses, and sometimes we’re not talking about all those strengths and weaknesses, especially the weaknesses on social media. Yeah. Because, you know, with this whole craftiness and I want to talk about it from a developmental perspective as well.

 

00;03;49;27 – 00;04;08;26

Dr. Mona

Well, first of all, I do feel like when we are on social media, I agree that there is such a blessing of social media. I’m on there to be able to share all the information I can. But on the other side of the coin, I know as a consumer of this information how overwhelming it can be and even myself included.

 

00;04;09;01 – 00;04;34;14

Dr. Mona

I found myself getting really overwhelmed and I already know what I know about child development and parenting. I’m like, it’s just coming at you from so many different directions and about the play activities. You know, when I had a young child, especially when he was under two, you know, they have a low attention span. So in your head, you know, from a developmental perspective, you’re like, okay, well, I have to keep them engaged at all times because their attention span is so low.

 

00;04;34;14 – 00;04;52;15

Dr. Mona

So you’re literally creating these activities or wanting to. And in your head, you may not have the time to do it, and they may not even focus on those activities for long enough. Right. And that is also stressful because you’re like, I just made this cool activity that I found, and either you were not interested in it, number one.

 

00;04;52;20 – 00;05;13;02

Dr. Mona

And number two, you maybe were interested for one minute, but then your interest was taken over by a squirrel on the tree. So it’s like it can feel so exhausting, but really normalizing that the child brain, especially under two, three years of age. Let’s talk about under two. That toddler baby brain, they’re not able to focus on one activity.

 

00;05;13;02 – 00;05;34;11

Dr. Mona

They are very busy. There are going to move from activity to activity and sometimes the elaborate activities. It may not be something that you’re able to do, which it’s okay because their brain is not searching for elaborate. Their brain is searching for connection, for looking for something else to do. So it’s kind of like fostering them developmentally where they are.

 

00;05;34;14 – 00;05;50;15

Anna

Yeah. And I think that’s helpful to remember. And, my daughter certainly has a very short attention span. And I do set up one of these activities. I feel like I spent so much time setting it up. She does it for 30s and the clean up is ten exact to you. And I’m like, well, what was the point of impact?

 

00;05;50;15 – 00;06;21;08

Anna

I think also to like space and resources are a challenge, right? You know what our house setup is? What? Our weather is living in a colder climate in the Midwest, like not being able to do activities outside as much in the winter when it’s eight degrees. Right. And so I think that’s part of the challenge. And knowing that her attention span is short, like, what are some options that don’t feel overwhelming as a parent, but also help her through some of these transitions and keeping her curious and helping her learn in a real practical way?

 

00;06;21;10 – 00;06;39;18

Dr. Mona

Yeah, and I think one of the biggest things, like I said, is I think in our brain we think that they need elaborate, but they really need us to do things that our mental space and capacity, because if we’re stressed about it, it’s not going to be enjoyable for everyone. Anyone, right? Like it’s just not fun to have a stressed parent trying to do something and then just not enjoying the experience.

 

00;06;39;26 – 00;07;04;24

Dr. Mona

Speaking of like the cleanup, I remember one time Ryan was like 15, 16 months and I did like there’s an activity about like creating a homemade paint with like, food coloring and rice cereal and like, muffin tins, like, you know, like muffin pan. And I did that. And you play in the bath. And so you get everything set up and you go in the bath and, obviously there’s no water running and you allow the child to put their hand in the different colors and just like, smear the bathtub.

 

00;07;04;24 – 00;07;21;23

Dr. Mona

Right. So that way it’s like a little sensory activity. And I remember like I was so excited about it, but I was also super drained that day. Like I also was working full time at that time. And I was just like, okay, let’s just do this. I need something to do. And already going into it, I felt like so drained, like I was tired.

 

00;07;21;27 – 00;07;43;16

Dr. Mona

And so then when I set it up and he basically screamed and shrieked and was like, basically, he couldn’t communicate fully at that point, but he didn’t want to play it, and he would just start crying. When his hand touched the paint. I was like, oh my gosh, and you’re right. My head was like, I just spent all this time making this amazing sensory activity, and my kid doesn’t even want to do the sensory activity.

 

00;07;43;24 – 00;08;10;13

Dr. Mona

There’s no desire for it, and it’s hard for us to be able to predict, especially that toddler baby, what our baby’s going to want to do at every given moment. And that’s why these activities can be really hard sometimes because you’re like, okay, I have to set it up and then you have to set it up. And then there’s a reality that they either won’t be interested in it, they’ll cry, or you just realize that it’s just not something that’s fun for them right now, and then you have to end it.

 

00;08;10;13 – 00;08;29;28

Dr. Mona

So I do like leaning in on more easy cleanup. Maybe it’s like those sensory boxes, like the, you know, you get kinetic sand and you put like, different toys in there, and you can have the container, or you can just open and close the container versus having to lean in more on the I have to set something up majorly.

 

00;08;29;28 – 00;08;32;08

Dr. Mona

Can also help us with time as well.

 

00;08;32;10 – 00;08;50;03

Anna

Yeah. And I think I also feel a little guilty or pressure when, you know, we have childcare that comes to our home, which we’re very lucky and thankful for. That. And also, you know, I don’t want her to have to deal with all of these crazy activities that I’m trying to set up or feel overwhelmed, like, you know, here, all these options.

 

00;08;50;03 – 00;09;09;27

Anna

But in the same token, I’m like, I don’t want her to be bored all day either with our daughter. And so it’s kind of figuring out where is an easy places to start and some easy resources like that. Kinetic sand one is a great one, like kind of low effort ones that also, if we need to transition or she’s not interested, it’s not overwhelming for all involved.

 

00;09;09;29 – 00;09;27;02

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I think it can be so overwhelming. And I think it’s also a conversation with the childcare person. I also when Ryan was young, at that age, we had someone on what their desires are. Two it’s like one of the jackpots. If you can find a childcare person in your home who is interested in coming up with activities, right?

 

00;09;27;02 – 00;09;47;01

Dr. Mona

I know that’s not always the case. We had one that was very interested and one that was like, they don’t need to do this. Like very old school. Like I’m not setting this up. I have no desire. And so you have to kind of feel the interest to, and asking what’s in their capability. I find that if they do like it and lean into it more, that it’s great that you could say, hey, here’s an activity that I found.

 

00;09;47;04 – 00;10;03;01

Dr. Mona

Do you think you want to set that up for them? Not like, hey, this has to happen situation. But if this is something that we can do and also more of like if you’re running out of ideas, right? Because like I said, that young child trying to come up with activities, maybe they’re playing with some toys that they have and they lose interest.

 

00;10;03;05 – 00;10;25;21

Dr. Mona

Is this something that would be part of the rotation of activities? So having that conversation with them to kind of figure out, okay, what will be our course of action today so that no one’s doing things that are not out of our scope of interest. Because I also believe that it’s okay to not want to do the crafty or elaborate activities as a parent if that’s not your style.

 

00;10;25;21 – 00;10;43;24

Dr. Mona

Like, yeah, are you by nature a crafty person is what we kind of have to ask ourselves. Because if you’re not, then you have to say, well, by nature, this is not me, that why am I forcing myself to do something? Because it’s okay. My kid is going to get me in other ways besides this elaborate activities that I may not be good at.

 

00;10;43;24 – 00;10;46;04

Dr. Mona

And that’s okay to not be good at it as a parent.

 

00;10;46;06 – 00;11;06;27

Anna

Yeah, and I’m certainly not a crafty person. Make sense? Yeah. And you know, see, even like my sister very crafty comes up with these cool elaborate things for her kids in-laws. You know all of that was really great. But I am not that person. So I think that also kind of fuels the guilt that I see of like, well, my daughter’s cousins are getting these really cool activities and this is happening.

 

00;11;06;27 – 00;11;26;04

Anna

And same with like other chores like cooking and this and that. And like I just don’t enjoy those things. It’s not how I want to spend my free time. Yeah. And so I think that just kind of perpetuates this. You know, I’m grabbing my child of these important milestone experiences, even though I know that’s not true. And we’re still getting to experience life in other ways.

 

00;11;26;04 – 00;11;37;04

Anna

But you always kind of have that comparison. And being a mom is awesome and so hard every single day, and you just kind of wonder what you should be doing or shouldn’t be doing well.

 

00;11;37;04 – 00;11;57;11

Dr. Mona

And I feel like we’re the same person. I’m mirroring myself right now because I also am not, by nature a crafty person, and I also by nature, cooking. I do it because it’s what we have to do to feed ourselves. But you know, some people get actual joy from getting into the kitchen and creating, and that’s awesome. And that goes back to what I was saying about strengths like, absolutely.

 

00;11;57;11 – 00;12;12;26

Dr. Mona

I think when you’re on social or even if you’re not on social media, and you look at all the people in your life, we have to always reframe our brains and tell ourselves, I have strengths that other people don’t have and vice versa. It’s not like I have all the strengths in the world and that person has nothing.

 

00;12;12;26 – 00;12;31;03

Dr. Mona

No, it’s like I am really not that great at crafts. I’m really not that great at cooking. But what do I what am I good at with my child? You know, really trying to find that. And it may be something so little to the outside world like for me and my son. Like I’m not good at all the things you mentioned, but I like dance parties.

 

00;12;31;03 – 00;12;59;15

Dr. Mona

I like to be silly, like to play board games with him now, right? I mean, my husband hates playing board games with him. He thinks it’s boring, right? So it’s like we have that balance and understanding that, hey, I can bring this to the table and that’s okay to not be everything. Like I said, we go so deep into the I’m not doing enough and I need to do this and we’re going to spread ourselves thin because there is no way that you can do, quote unquote, it all, nor do you need to for your kids.

 

00;12;59;15 – 00;13;14;27

Dr. Mona

You know, they’re not looking for the perfect check box of the mom who cooks, the mom who comes up with the creative ideas, the mom who does X, Y, and Z. They want a mom who’s just balancing their own life and their own mental health. That’s going to come across for that child as well.

 

00;13;15;00 – 00;13;32;26

Anna

Yeah. And I think two part of it, like living in the Midwest, the winters can be brutal and yes, getting outside at every opportunity. But I think that’s where the pressure just kind of compounds even more from the crafty activity side. It’s, you know, we love to be outside. We live by the water. So we’re always at the pool in the water doing activities there.

 

00;13;32;26 – 00;13;56;23

Anna

So the summer feels like a breeze. Like I never feel like she’s bored. But in the winter it’s like, oh gosh, this house to start. You know, you’re seeing the same four walls constantly. And how can we come up with activities that feel fun, not overwhelming, feel safe from like, illness perspective and going out and experiencing things that way, too, because we also don’t want everyone to come down with all of the illnesses that are out there.

 

00;13;56;23 – 00;14;03;28

Anna

Since we’ve been able to avoid those. So I think that’s part of the challenge too, is it just feels very compounded seasonally.

 

00;14;04;01 – 00;14;23;24

Dr. Mona

I can imagine that. I mean, I used to live in New York. I didn’t have kids when I was in New York City, but it is a game changer for sure. When you have the weather to cooperate, to change scenery, to go outside and play. What are some activities that you all do indoors to kind of diversify the day a little bit, just to kind of come up with activities so that you’re not just doing the same thing.

 

00;14;23;24 – 00;14;31;10

Dr. Mona

And it may not be crafting elaborate things, but what are some things that you all enjoy as a family or, you know, things to just break up the day a little bit indoors?

 

00;14;31;13 – 00;14;47;07

Anna

Yeah. So one thing that does feel very easy is painting. So we, you know, show an old t shirt on her and give her washable paint and she’ll kind of go to town for about ten minutes, which feels decent. And do that. We also do a lot of kind of household activities with her. So she likes to help us clean.

 

00;14;47;15 – 00;14;52;07

Anna

She likes to unload the dishwasher, so we kind of do some of those more life skill.

 

00;14;52;09 – 00;14;52;28

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;14;53;00 – 00;15;11;01

Anna

It’s good days. Yeah, yeah. And then just a lot of reading. And so I think it’s kind of just is there more we should be doing. We do some sensory play. Nothing too elaborate. We have a container with a bunch of rocks in it, and she just likes to play with the rocks and unload and light the container.

 

00;15;11;01 – 00;15;28;03

Anna

So yeah, those are very easy ways. And then we just are constantly changing rooms. So let’s go to this room and see what’s in here that we can explore and uncover. And so that’s some of the things that we do I think that’s where I’m like I feel like I’m running out of activities or running out of things that are interesting for her.

 

00;15;28;06 – 00;15;47;08

Dr. Mona

And that’s why I love the accounts that do have activities as their primary focus. Because what I want us to do when we’re looking at those activities, right, is not to think that we have to do the things that we don’t want to do. Like, for example, if you see someone share some elaborate activity, our mindset should not be, okay, that’s what I have to do.

 

00;15;47;10 – 00;16;06;06

Dr. Mona

It should be like, okay, this person that I like that shares really good ideas is sharing something that I don’t love and I probably won’t ever do, but that doesn’t mean I have to do it right. Because sometimes when you love an account so much and they’re posting every day some sort of activities, your brain is telling you will wow, like she’s coming up with all these activities.

 

00;16;06;10 – 00;16;23;21

Dr. Mona

I’m saying she because it’s mostly women. They’re posting all these activities all the time. I can’t even wash my hair. Like, I mean, you literally are thinking like, well, I can’t even find time to even go get the supplies to do this, right. So the first step is when you look at these activities, you need to kind of come up with a list of what are the things.

 

00;16;23;21 – 00;16;42;02

Dr. Mona

Being a non crafty person to begin with before even becoming a mom, what are some things that seem doable that I actually want to do? And if you don’t want to do it, it’s going to get scrapped from that list. And when you get that list, you’re incorporating what you just mentioned. I love it, you have a really good balance of all the domains of development.

 

00;16;42;02 – 00;16;43;27

Dr. Mona

Remind me again how old your daughter is.

 

00;16;44;00 – 00;16;44;24

Anna

18 months.

 

00;16;44;24 – 00;17;13;20

Dr. Mona

Yeah. So you’re still in that sort of toddler babyish like attention span thing, right? So when we look at the development of a toddler, you are looking at obviously language and communication. You’re looking at cognitive development motor and social and emotional. Right. Those are your four domains of development. Social. Emotional is already happening because you’re with your child and you’re engaging with her, whether it’s you or the nanny or whoever it is, because that is part of the bonding, right?

 

00;17;13;20 – 00;17;47;15

Dr. Mona

You’re doing things with them. Your language and communication is being fostered by the natural things that you’re doing. Right. You also that you’re reading I love, love, love that you’re just incorporating your daughter into your activities of your daily life. Like that is actually one of the biggest developmental flexes that I think we should do more of. Rather than feeling this obligation to constantly create new things, we think about parenting in generations, meaning in olden times, when they didn’t have all these elaborate activities and stuff, children just did things with their parents, right?

 

00;17;47;15 – 00;18;06;11

Dr. Mona

They would go to the store with them, they would help them in the house. And it wasn’t labor. It’s literally, let’s help put the dishes away or let’s do the laundry. And by that, you’re already teaching her language and communication skills. You’re teaching her cognitive skills, like, how do we put this into the whole making a game out of it if you need more time, like if you have socks or something, right.

 

00;18;06;11 – 00;18;32;11

Dr. Mona

Like creating a little basket and like pretending that you’re trying to throw it in there so that she’s practicing motor skills and passing the time a little bit with the chores that you’re doing, organizing the colors of the forks, or organizing bowl colors like whatever y’all are doing in your day, you’re kind of the creativity is not like I have to make something that’s adding on to it, but how can I make this mundane seeming activity more exciting?

 

00;18;32;11 – 00;18;49;04

Dr. Mona

Right? Singing a song about it, organizing by colors, making a basketball game like I mentioned, and then the motor stuff you’re already kind of doing with obviously what she’s doing with the activities, but like indoor obstacle courses, you know, like putting tape and having her like jump to each little mark of the tape or those like, stepping stones.

 

00;18;49;04 – 00;19;10;11

Dr. Mona

I’m sure you’ve seen online like little stepping stones. On how she can jump from each one. But an 18 month old is still learning all of those skills, you know, and so really just kind of fostering all those domains with things that you just mentioned. And I also agree that there are amazing accounts out there that have so many ideas that I haven’t even heard of, and I love it.

 

00;19;10;11 – 00;19;38;00

Dr. Mona

I like I said, I think it’s so amazing, but I’ve learned so deeply that when you are looking at those activities, the first thing is you have to check in your head. If this is too much for your brain, I want you not even to entertain it. I want you to. If. Good job. Thank you for sharing this, but it’s not happening for me because I don’t want you to get into that cycle that you have to do those things because one of your favorite accounts is sharing it, because we may not have the mindset for it.

 

00;19;38;00 – 00;19;52;15

Dr. Mona

We may not have the ability to create that. Even if someone’s giving us a step by step instruction, I’ll be honest. Some of them are really elaborate that you’re like, I need to now go to Michael’s to go grab all these things. Like, I don’t even have time to go to the grocery store. Like, you have to respect that.

 

00;19;52;15 – 00;20;18;06

Dr. Mona

What are your means? Like you mentioned, like you’re a family member who may do more elaborate activities. She herself could just be a more elaborate activity person, more creative in that aspect. But it doesn’t mean that there’s superiority or inferiority there, right? It just means that that’s her cup of tea. Like, I like to have dance parties. I like to be silly, like I bring something else different to the table, which is what I want you to focus on too.

 

00;20;18;12 – 00;20;36;19

Dr. Mona

And a lot of it is letting go of expectations of it must be this way. Let me look at the big picture of my child’s development. She’s loved. She is said she gets my happiness and my joy, and those elaborate activities are there. But they’re not a requirement in child development whatsoever.

 

00;20;36;22 – 00;20;52;07

Anna

Yeah, well it’s interesting you mentioned how you know, think about like other generations embrace children. I think about my own childhood. Right. And I grew up on a farm and my mom was an engineer. So all four of us kids were helping my dad every day, whether it was something silly or small. But we were not doing elaborate activities.

 

00;20;52;07 – 00;21;08;14

Anna

We were tagging along with dad to work outside and figure those things out. So even in that same mindset, I think my childhood was not filled with elaborate activities. So why am I putting this pressure on myself that I need to have my child’s life filled with elaborate activities?

 

00;21;08;17 – 00;21;25;06

Dr. Mona

Well, I’m telling you, a lot of it is. I already know that expectations comes from modern parenting, especially modern moms, that there is a sad reality that we are told and expectation is there that you have to be good at everything, especially like I keep bringing it back to social media. But you follow one account that’s amazing at cooking.

 

00;21;25;06 – 00;21;43;08

Dr. Mona

You follow one account that’s amazing. At activities, you follow one account that’s an amazing educator, and you see all these women being amazing at their niches, right? They’re really good at all. They’re doing that in your brain. You’re starting to think that I have to be amazing at every single one of those things, but each of those women are not amazing at everything.

 

00;21;43;15 – 00;22;02;02

Dr. Mona

Like I describe. It is like, if you’re following me, okay, let’s use an example. And I’m talking about education. Education is my jam. Like I love this, I love parenting. Done it up. But then I also show you all that I created this amazing meal one time, like one time out of a week, I cook. Okay, just giving an example your guys’s brain.

 

00;22;02;02 – 00;22;21;10

Dr. Mona

Like if you’re consuming that information, you’re seeing, wow, doctor Mona knows this, that or the other. And now she cooks to like. That’s amazing. You only saw that person cook once. Like, you don’t know what they’re doing every day. We create this reality again, that these women are perfect in every aspect, but we don’t know what’s going on other six days of the week.

 

00;22;21;10 – 00;22;44;00

Dr. Mona

We only know what they’re sharing. People are going to share the good on social media. They’re going to share the times that they did cook. They’re not going to share the time that they heated up leftovers or, you know, got takeout or, got some, you know, fast food. But that’s all part of our life. Right? So the highlight reel is social media, I think, has caused a sort of change in our expectations from our childhood.

 

00;22;44;05 – 00;22;57;22

Dr. Mona

I agree with you. I also had that childhood that was very much I went with my parents to Home Depot on Saturdays. Like, I remember being a school age kid, and my dad would take me to Home Depot and I didn’t hate it. I actually love going with him to Home Depot and it was like a very matter of fact thing.

 

00;22;57;22 – 00;23;19;26

Dr. Mona

And I never grew up thinking, wow, I hated going with my dad there, like it was just life. And I would help my mom in the kitchen, and I would help my dad in the garden and like you said, it was just you learn through those very normal activities and then we flip that. We feel like, oh, our kids need the special curated, playrooms and curated activities.

 

00;23;20;02 – 00;23;37;05

Dr. Mona

But that’s not what’s going to lead to this amazing development. Like I said, they need connection with the caregiver. They need a caregiver to show them things like you are when you’re putting away dishes or laundry, like I mentioned, and then opportunities for problem solving, right? Like, oh, how do you think we’re going to get that into the bucket?

 

00;23;37;05 – 00;23;54;17

Dr. Mona

How do you think you’re going to do that? Like that is what they’re going to get so much out of. And that does not need to be those elaborate activities. And the managing expectations is so vital. Oh my gosh. Like it is a very slippery slope of I’m not doing this and I should be doing this, but our kids don’t need elaborate.

 

00;23;54;17 – 00;23;56;02

Dr. Mona

I know this to be true.

 

00;23;56;04 – 00;24;20;04

Anna

Yeah, it also just compounds with all the other guilts that you feel right. Like you said, like it’s all of those things and being a working parent and being somebody who doesn’t, cooking very well and being somebody who doesn’t do all the activities, you’re just like, wow, I am not doing great. So it’s super just helpful to hear that some of the incorporating that we’re doing into regular life is still really beneficial.

 

00;24;20;04 – 00;24;38;08

Anna

And how can we just make it more of a game or an educational session? Right. Like you said, do color matching or she doesn’t know how to jog yet. We’re working on it. But yes, we hop from station to station. Or how do we incorporate that into what else? Hops a bunny? Hops? Let’s hop like bunnies, right? And just kind of narrate everything or make up songs.

 

00;24;38;08 – 00;24;43;26

Anna

So it’s a little bit that’s an activity in itself. Even though it took zero effort. Really.

 

00;24;43;28 – 00;24;59;26

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I know you can’t go outside much in the winter time. And I respect that because I do like when the weather is good, you’re going to go outside a lot. It’s actually really helpful because it does pass the time. Right. Like whether it’s kicking a ball or just being outside in the park, letting her touch leaves and touch nature time.

 

00;24;59;29 – 00;25;16;13

Dr. Mona

And it’s also really good for our mental health just to be outside. I get it. Remember, if you’re indoors, getting into the bathtub, obviously with her like meaning you can’t leave her unattended for safety, but turning on the water and giving her extra bath time or an activity in the tub all activities again that we can add in our rotation of.

 

00;25;16;13 – 00;25;34;22

Dr. Mona

Okay, here are the ideas that I’m getting. I’m going to add this to my thing. And that guilt, like you said, that compounded guilt of I work, I’m not there enough for my child. And then when I’m there, I have zero desire to create. It’s okay that we don’t want to create those things. It’s absolutely reasonable. You’re there.

 

00;25;34;22 – 00;25;52;27

Dr. Mona

You’re her mom. Like, this is something so beautiful, even if it is that you are co watching a television show together, right? 18 months is a reasonable age. If you decide as a family to start doing screen time for 20 minutes, we’re going to watch one of our favorite shows together. And I’m doing this because the TV is a medium for activity.

 

00;25;53;03 – 00;26;15;21

Dr. Mona

I can sit and I can coach and point out things, but it’s not me having to come up with the elaborate activities. And there you go. You just created a social and emotional bond and also a language and communication opportunity, right? So it really is utilizing your resources and your resources will also kind of mean your mental resources because everybody has different mental resources.

 

00;26;15;21 – 00;26;33;00

Dr. Mona

Right. Like you worked a long week and then you come home and have to come up with creative ideas. That’s tough. Or the other mom who has like three children and is like the other two are at school and now she has to come up with an activity for the younger. It’s hard right? We all have different desires and different mental capacities.

 

00;26;33;00 – 00;26;53;29

Dr. Mona

And again, I want to really squash the sort of superior, inferior sort of stratification of motherhood that moms who cook all the time or moms that are crafty or elaborate planners are better moms, because that’s pressure that society, social media is putting on us. And also we inherently start to put on ourselves through a journey that is already so stressful, right?

 

00;26;53;29 – 00;26;58;16

Dr. Mona

Besides all of this expectation, being a parent and its entity is very hard.

 

00;26;58;18 – 00;27;12;10

Anna

Yeah, and I think it also can steamroll too. So like I travel a lot for my job. And so my husband spends a lot of time, you know, I traveled last week, I’m home for a week, then I travel again next week. And so he has a lot of evenings where, you know, he’s coming up with those activities.

 

00;27;12;10 – 00;27;30;21

Anna

And so it’s interesting. You mentioned screen time. We just started thinking about screen time and knowing that, you know, if we’re watching or it’s something that’s educational or whatever that is, you know, that’s an okay activity and it doesn’t mean we’re not doing a good job as parents because we enjoy your screen time. It’s how do we make it an engaging activity.

 

00;27;30;21 – 00;27;41;22

Anna

And if she is not interested, then in ten minutes, okay, let’s turn it off and go to the next thing. It’s not a win or a loss, as long as we’re thinking about doing it in a kind of social and engaged way together.

 

00;27;41;26 – 00;28;14;21

Dr. Mona

Correct? Using Screen Time as an example, I absolutely respect the fact that we can overuse it, right. We don’t want to overuse it. We’re we’re not having that sort of social language communication. But for a person who was not a planner, I found it to be very nice as an activity as part of the morning, right? When you can’t go outside because it’s too cold or you’re kind of running out of ideas, just having that be like something that you guys both sit down with and just be able to have that shared joy of a show that is, again, educational, builds on some sort of social and emotional development is ideal, and that can actually

 

00;28;14;21 – 00;28;16;25

Dr. Mona

be part of your rotation too.

 

00;28;16;27 – 00;28;21;16

Anna

Yeah, no. Oh, really good ideas and helpful just to hear we’re not doing anything wrong.

 

00;28;21;21 – 00;28;49;25

Dr. Mona

No, that’s why I like having y’all on the podcast to really kind of remind us and reframe and have the perspective here on the overall big picture of your child and also your family structure. Right? We there’s no one in this world that knows your guys’s family circumstances besides you all meaning the ability time that you have financial, all of the stuff, like every single thing is so nuanced to each family to determine, okay, I want my is listening to this podcast.

 

00;28;49;25 – 00;29;06;28

Dr. Mona

I want my family’s story in my platform to get information, but also learn how to say, okay, this is not what I need. This is something like we talk about these activities. This is not something that’s in my scope right now. And it’s okay to say that, right? There should not be any guilt with not wanting to do something and feeling.

 

00;29;07;00 – 00;29;24;13

Dr. Mona

I don’t want any of my followers or listeners to feel lesser than, when it comes to parenting, because that’s not a fun place to be. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. This is such a great conversation. I hope if anything, it provided some, again, reassurance and some affirmation that you said you’re not doing anything wrong.

 

00;29;24;15 – 00;29;41;15

Anna

Yeah, absolutely. And just even some creative ways to continue to make what we’re currently doing a little bit more interactive. Right. And to just make them a little bit more exciting. And I’m sure there are certainly some resources I can keep checking out too, of. What are some of those low effort ways to come up with different activities?

 

00;29;41;15 – 00;29;50;18

Anna

And as she gets older and has a little bit more of an attention span, I assume it just will get maybe a little bit less daunting and easier. It gets easier.

 

00;29;50;18 – 00;30;07;25

Dr. Mona

But listen, it does get better. Absolutely. When the attention span starts to improve, I will attest to that. I mean, I think everyone will say I had a very busy child. I mean, he’s still busy. He’s now a little over three. But now the other day we went to dinner and he sat in between me and my husband.

 

00;30;08;01 – 00;30;24;29

Dr. Mona

He just sat for like three minutes just looking around, and I talked to my husband and I’m like, do you see him sitting with us? Like, he’s just sitting, but he’s sitting and like, you know, kicking his legs again. How they would kick their legs against the undersea. He’s just thinking he has a car in his hand and he’s talking to me, talking to that.

 

00;30;24;29 – 00;30;44;04

Dr. Mona

But there was no running around and he literally just sat. It does get better with age. And you are in the prime where I get why you’re feeling the guilt, why you’re feeling the, like it’s just developmentally how they are. Right? The fact that they are very busy bees. You’re just like, I need to keep them occupied and engaged at all times.

 

00;30;44;09 – 00;31;03;11

Dr. Mona

But a lot of it is like you said, you go to a different room in the house. You may end up being like, okay, here’s some toys and you’re obviously in the room. You might be folding clothes or putting things away, and she’s exploring in a safe environment, right. And figuring out on her own how to do these things, because there is so much just happening at that age that I assure you you’re going to see.

 

00;31;03;11 – 00;31;16;20

Dr. Mona

And one day, like a year from now, or even sooner, you’re going to be like, wow, remember that time? Like when it was just all over busyness and I just kept feeling like I need to keep her occupied? It’s a completely very common feeling, but it gets better, for sure.

 

00;31;16;22 – 00;31;20;15

Anna

Perfect. Well, that’s good to know. There’s some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

00;31;20;17 – 00;31;28;16

Dr. Mona

Yes. Thank you so much for chatting with me today. I hope this was helpful conversation and I love squashing that guilt for you.

 

00;31;28;18 – 00;31;33;12

Anna

Yeah. Thank you so much for having me know.

 

00;31;33;14 – 00;31;59;20

Dr. Mona

I loved chatting with Anna about not wanting or being able to be a crafty or elaborate activity planner, and this is oh, okay. Remember, we all have strengths in our personal lives, in our lives, as mothers, in our lives, at work. Whatever you’re doing, you can’t be amazing at everything. And that is okay. We want to also teach our children that we are going to have strengths and weaknesses.

 

00;31;59;23 – 00;32;28;14

Dr. Mona

Some children are really good problem solvers, some children are really creative. You have to remember that we all have strengths. So if you do not like being that crafty or elaborate activity planner kind of mom, that is okay. I want you to really look inside yourself and figure out what are the things that I bring to this table, because I know there’s something and sometimes you’re going to have to dig, because if you’re in that cycle of, I’m not doing enough, I’m not doing enough, you can feel like you’re not doing anything, but I know you are.

 

00;32;28;17 – 00;32;46;29

Dr. Mona

I know there are things about you, the things that you bring to your child’s table, the thing that you bring to your life that is adding joy and adding purpose. So don’t feel like you have to be like everybody else and be yourself and do what makes you feel happy and do what brings you joy. Thank you for tuning in.

 

00;32;46;29 – 00;32;59;29

Dr. Mona

As always, make sure you leave that review and rating for the show so we can continue to grow into one of the top 50 podcasts in the United States. In the parenting space. It means so much to me and I cannot wait to chat with you all next time.