Parenting requires compassion and self-reflection and on this episode I welcome Kobe Campbell, a licensed trauma therapist and author, to discuss ways positive parenting impacts our kids. We discuss:

• What positive parenting is
• How it positively impacts kids and families
• Why fear-based parenting doesn’t work
• Why playfulness is so important for kids and parents

 

Kobe Campbell
Find out more about Kobe at www.kobecampbell.com or connect with her on Instagram @kobecampbell_

00;00;01;02 – 00;00;23;21

Kobe Campbell

There’s something painful about getting on the floor and giving a child what they need, getting on the floor and playing with the child. When no one gave you what you needed as a child and when no one played with you as a child. And I think that subconsciously, a lot of parents are resistant to the gentleness and the tenderness the children need because they don’t know how to offset, because they never got it when they were experienced it.

 

00;00;23;23 – 00;00;49;04

Dr. Mona

Welcome to the PedsDocTalk Podcast, a podcast that continues to grow because of you and your reviews. Thank you for tuning in today. A podcast where I get to welcome the most amazing guests to chat about all things parenting, child health, child development, and parental mental health. Today’s guest is Kobe Campbell. She is a licensed trauma therapist and author, and her newest book is called Why Am I Like This?

 

00;00;49;04 – 00;01;02;04

Dr. Mona

How to Break Cycles, Heal from trauma, and Restore Your Faith. And she is joining me today to talk about how positive parenting positively impacts kids. That’s a tongue twister. Thank you so much for joining me today, Kobe.

 

00;01;02;06 – 00;01;08;24

Kobe Campbell

Thank you so much for having me. So excited to chat and to be a guest instead of a listener because I love the podcast.

 

00;01;08;27 – 00;01;28;29

Dr. Mona

Oh well, I’m so glad to connect with you. This is so great and congratulations on your book and being an author, I know that it’s not an easy feat. So this is so great, and I’m happy to chat with you about something that is so important to you. Obviously, because you’re writing books about it. You are a licensed trauma therapist, but tell us more about yourself, why you do what you do as a licensed trauma therapist.

 

00;01;28;29 – 00;01;31;05

Dr. Mona

And just so people can get to know you a little bit more.

 

00;01;31;07 – 00;01;56;20

Kobe Campbell

Absolutely. So someone asked me this recently and they’re like, why do you like, do you know your therapist or your mom? And I said, you know, I think that therapy and helping people process their trauma is the tool. But I think what I’m really called to do is help people live lives that they love. And because so many of us have experienced really hard stuff that feels like something that’s like, utterly impossible.

 

00;01;56;20 – 00;02;15;09

Kobe Campbell

How can I love my life when I’ve experienced this? Or I came from a home that was traumatic, or I’m struggling to show up for my kids, or I’m struggling to show up for myself. And so that was neat. I came into this field because I found myself, you know, struggling with depression and anxiety and thinking, why am I like this?

 

00;02;15;09 – 00;02;33;08

Kobe Campbell

You know, that’s why the book is titled that because it kind of just felt like there has to be more than I just need to try harder. And I think I need resources not just to do better, but to understand myself better. And once I found kind of like that light in my life, I was like, okay, yeah, I want to do this for other people as well.

 

00;02;33;10 – 00;02;52;26

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love it. And it’s such important work, especially as a parent, you know, the constant understanding that we’re not only raising our kids, but also healing from different things in our life. Right. Whether you, like you said, it’s from childhood or maybe something that happened to us as an adult and it’s such a work in progress and it’s so nice to have the support of people in the community, especially licensed trauma therapists like yourself.

 

00;02;53;00 – 00;03;00;14

Dr. Mona

So thank you for the work that you do, the books that you write, and all the resources you give out into the world. Because I know it’s helping so many people.

 

00;03;00;16 – 00;03;02;13

Kobe Campbell

Thank you. I so appreciate that.

 

00;03;02;16 – 00;03;14;29

Dr. Mona

Yeah, and we’re talking about positive parenting. And, you know, there’s so many different types of parenting styles. I would love to talk about what positive parenting is and the basic principles if people are not familiar with what that means.

 

00;03;15;01 – 00;03;44;04

Kobe Campbell

Yeah, I think if I have like a one liner that could expound into more detail, it would be positive parenting is developmental, appropriate parenting. It is about acknowledging where your child is developmentally and providing care, tenderness, resources, support, guidance for your child based on where they are developmentally and as a clinician. That matters so much to me because I think sometimes as parents, you know, we’re in the mix.

 

00;03;44;04 – 00;04;03;00

Kobe Campbell

We don’t always have time to read all the articles and things like that. But we have to remember that at each stage of our lives and each stage of our children’s lives, there’s something that they’re learning. There’s something that they’re getting a grasp on. And our job is to show up in a way that allows them to get a grasp on it with a sense of autonomy and support.

 

00;04;03;00 – 00;04;30;01

Kobe Campbell

And so to me, positive parenting is about treating your children like they are for humans. Treating your children with respect and kindness. Treating your children like they need resources and not like they need fear to learn. And you know, one of my favorite facts I love to when I’m parents, when I’m talking to them, even, you know, adults who don’t have children is the part of the brain that allows us to learn is offline when we are afraid.

 

00;04;30;03 – 00;04;49;20

Kobe Campbell

We are biologically not wired to learn through fear. And so why do we think that’s an effective tactic with children? And if we really kept that front of mind and reminded ourselves that our children learn best when we’re connected to them, when they feel safe, we would prioritize safety. And I think that’s at the core of positive painting.

 

00;04;49;22 – 00;05;14;22

Dr. Mona

Oh, that is so beautifully said and so important. And I think in terms of a parenting styles, like I mentioned already, there’s so many and I think you can kind of take different types of styles from different types of parenting labels. And I think positive parenting is that such a beautiful thing. And as a pediatrician who loves child development as well, I think it’s so vital that we look at that child in front of us, like you mentioned, how does this positively impact children?

 

00;05;14;22 – 00;05;21;17

Dr. Mona

So obviously we’ll get to how it impacts parents as well. But what are the benefits of a parent using positive parenting?

 

00;05;21;20 – 00;05;42;15

Kobe Campbell

Well, I think the benefits of a parent using positive parenting with their child is that their child gets to feel safe. I think we’re in a society that loves to glorify accomplishments. And you know, accomplishments are great. You know, I’m a first generation Ghanaian American. I grew up in a high achieving family. And in many ways I love that.

 

00;05;42;15 – 00;06;04;22

Kobe Campbell

But also sometimes you forget just how much of a gift the sense of safety is. That your child feels safe with themselves, that your child feels secure with themselves and secure with you. And I think that we miss that. You know, I see a lot of adults. It’s funny, I started doing trauma therapy with children and then transitioned to adults.

 

00;06;04;22 – 00;06;13;15

Kobe Campbell

And when I started working with adults, it was so much easier because I realized I was just dealing with children in big bodies, you know?

 

00;06;13;17 – 00;06;14;09

Dr. Mona

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

00;06;14;09 – 00;06;43;08

Kobe Campbell

And it was so powerful to see that a lot of them didn’t get like, developmental milestones, had like a sense of security with themselves, of a sense of autonomy and agency. Like they never got to know what their voices were. They never got to know what they liked and didn’t like. It was just compliance over connection. And so there’s a power in our children having something that no one can take away from them, which is a love for themselves and a respect for themselves.

 

00;06;43;11 – 00;06;47;03

Kobe Campbell

And I think we forget just how much that will shape their entire lives.

 

00;06;47;05 – 00;07;01;17

Dr. Mona

Oh, absolutely. And earlier you had said, you know, about fear based parenting, like, you know, a lot of threats and feeling unsafe. I feel like that is a common thing that I hear as well in the parenting space. And why do you think we’re seeing so much of that? Do you think that it has to do with cycles?

 

00;07;01;17 – 00;07;15;12

Dr. Mona

Maybe that’s how they were parented or, you know, why do you feel like we’re not able? I think me and you are. And a lot of people listening. But why do you think society, even 2023, when we’re recording this episode, is not able to kind of understand that that’s just not an effective tactic?

 

00;07;15;15 – 00;07;44;01

Kobe Campbell

Oh my goodness, such a good question. I think that a lot of us, because we are overwhelmed, because we’re stressed out for various reasons. Fear is a quick way to get someone to react, but not to learn. Yeah. And so we have settled many ways as a society for children reacting to our fear rather than learning principles and it gives us quick results with low cost to ourselves as adults.

 

00;07;44;03 – 00;08;10;03

Kobe Campbell

Right. Asking something of children that we’re not yet capable of doing ourselves in our 2030s, 40s, we’re telling them to listen, regulate emotion and respond immediately to our commands. And we struggle with doing that in our own lives. And our own emotional dysregulation shows up in how we snap at kids or utilize fear. Right. And so I think that it’s two part I think it’s definitely generational.

 

00;08;10;03 – 00;08;15;12

Kobe Campbell

A lot of us are just like, it works. You know, we think it worked. It didn’t actually work.

 

00;08;15;14 – 00;08;17;00

Dr. Mona

Right? Yes.

 

00;08;17;03 – 00;08;47;15

Kobe Campbell

It got us the appearance of results with the cost that many people will carry for the rest of their lives, and it’s not worth the price of a quick outward reward for a long term inward deterioration. And that’s what I see every day. I see high achieving people who are in places many of us would worship and cheer on, and yet inside, they still need that sense of safety and that sense of belonging.

 

00;08;47;15 – 00;09;01;17

Kobe Campbell

And I think a lot of us end up leaning towards the quick fear, because it allows us to get what we want right now, instant gratification, without doing the work ourselves and regulating our emotions all while we’re asking our kids to do it right.

 

00;09;01;20 – 00;09;19;25

Dr. Mona

Oh, I agree, and you know, it’s interesting. I agree completely what you said, and I think a lot of it is cyclical. Like we talked about like you said, a lot of it is time and it feels like a quick fix. Like, you know, a lot of the times parents will say, but look, he listens. He’s obedient. And I’m like, but is obedience something that we want?

 

00;09;19;25 – 00;09;36;11

Dr. Mona

Because I know you mentioned like, of course we want our children to understand boundaries, but there’s a difference between understanding boundaries and being so obedient that they can’t feel like they can’t feel safe, that they can feel feelings, or that they can be upset about something, and that a parent or guardian will show them to walk through it.

 

00;09;36;11 – 00;09;55;10

Dr. Mona

And so, like a story my in-laws and my especially my in-laws and my parents too, because they’re so used to this fear based discipline, you know, it’s very common in all generations. I’m Indian American immigrant, and it was a very common parenting tactic in our family. And it’s not will me in my husband do like it sounds like for you and your family as well.

 

00;09;55;12 – 00;10;13;14

Dr. Mona

And my in-laws are here and we don’t do threats. We don’t force our son to eat. We don’t do a lot of forcing. And to them it looks like permissive parenting when it’s not right, like it’s actually respectful. And there are boundaries. And so I think a lot of times parents can fall into this sort of fear, especially around when they’re feeling judgment.

 

00;10;13;14 – 00;10;29;04

Dr. Mona

Right? Like they’re feeling like, well, this person’s watching me like my in-laws. They’re my parents, or someone’s judging me. And if I’m more tough in that moment, they’ll feel like I’m a more in control parent. But I think you agree, like, that’s not what we want, right? We want boundaries. And like you said already respectful boundaries.

 

00;10;29;06 – 00;10;52;23

Kobe Campbell

Yeah, absolutely. And when we teach our children to our actions respect, they learn it in a way that they can employ in our absence. Right. Do we want students or do we want them to trust us? That’s really something I think most parents need to ask themselves, do I want my children to blindly obey? Or do I want my kids to trust me?

 

00;10;52;26 – 00;11;01;22

Kobe Campbell

Because if you hardwire a child to blindly obey because someone has power over them, what situations can they end up in later in life?

 

00;11;01;25 – 00;11;17;14

Dr. Mona

And also like when they grow up, once they realize as adults, I’m speaking from personal experience. Once they realize that that adult has no power over them anymore, there’s not going to be trust, right? There’s no because it was never created. It was obedience. And so, oh gosh, it’s such a cycle. I love talking about the stuff with you.

 

00;11;17;17 – 00;11;19;03

Kobe Campbell

Same, same.

 

00;11;19;05 – 00;11;41;10

Dr. Mona

And so, so positive parenting hierarchy, obviously I love it. I think it’s so much even. It’s like someone doesn’t want to label themselves as a positive parent. Remember all. I really feel like you should take the discussion that we’re talking about, take points from this, and really try to bring it into your parenting style, right? I mean, like I said, I get concerned about labeling parenting styles because people feel like, well, I want to be a little bit like an attachment parent.

 

00;11;41;10 – 00;11;55;01

Dr. Mona

I want to be a gentle parent. I want to be positive. You can be all of it. You can you can bring in these principles. I think when you start to listen like I’m listening to you and I’m like, oh, this is such an important thing. And I am. So that we’re talking about the fear and the obedience and how it impacts children.

 

00;11;55;06 – 00;12;01;07

Dr. Mona

How does it positively impact parents on their journey in terms of how we implement this?

 

00;12;01;09 – 00;12;08;04

Kobe Campbell

Oh, I believe that parenting is a trauma recovery process.

 

00;12;08;06 – 00;12;08;24

Dr. Mona

 

00;12;08;26 – 00;12;38;21

Kobe Campbell

I don’t think that any parent who decides to give their child what they need to develop mentally evades the process of healing the trauma. It’s just impossible. You know, I had a professor, when I was in school, she taught to taught, childhood development, and she said something so powerful I’ll never forget. She said there’s something painful about getting on the floor and giving a child what they need, getting on the floor and playing with the child when no one gave you what you needed as a child, and when no one played with you as a child.

 

00;12;38;23 – 00;12;48;11

Kobe Campbell

And I think that subconsciously, a lot of parents are resistant to the gentleness and the tenderness the children need because they don’t know how to offer it because they never got it.

 

00;12;48;11 – 00;12;49;08

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;12;49;11 – 00;13;10;22

Kobe Campbell

You’re inside it. And so there is something incredibly healing about being silly with a kid, because silliness is one of the greatest indicators of safety, right? When you’re kid silly and you don’t say, stop that, and you decide to join in the silliness with them, you’re allowing your inner child to feel safe again, to try something new, too.

 

00;13;10;25 – 00;13;44;23

Kobe Campbell

And I think that it allows us as parents to take kind of authority and responsibility over our experiences. And that is something that even as trauma therapist for me, I have to remind myself in this relationship, my child is not responsible for how I feel. Their actions are not responsible. He’s not making me do anything right. And so having to say, you know, if I tell my kid to stop doing something and he doesn’t stop and he’s like, well, you know, McCay’s little brother Mickey made me do it.

 

00;13;44;25 – 00;14;07;27

Kobe Campbell

Like, I wouldn’t take that as an excuse, right? I would be like, no, I told you to. And yet we do that as adults, and I think that we are being invited through our children to see the world through new eyes, to see ourselves through new eyes, and to really assess what is necessary to live a life that is truly successful.

 

00;14;07;29 – 00;14;12;25

Kobe Campbell

Is it fear? Is it obedience, or is it connection and trust?

 

00;14;12;28 – 00;14;33;01

Dr. Mona

This is so powerful and like, really making my heart grow even more than it already is because it’s all about love. And like you said, it’s all about connection. And it doesn’t have to be hard. I just think, like, we make it harder. Why again, why do we feel like this sounds obvious to me, and I think it sounds obvious to you, but why do we feel like it’s so obvious to so many?

 

00;14;33;01 – 00;14;55;05

Dr. Mona

Like the silliness factor, right? Like you said, how important silliness is? I agree. Like there’s so much joy and so much connection and actually so much listening that the child does when we permit them and allow them to be themselves and be fun and be playful and join in. I mean, it’s such a beautiful thing. What is it about that playfulness and silliness that really allows developmentally that child to thrive?

 

00;14;55;07 – 00;15;10;11

Kobe Campbell

Well, I think it’s the acceptance of the freedom. I think when my son is like making his wild toy merry noises and going like that, and I jump in and I do it back to, oh my gosh, there’s something inside of him that says, I’m accepted as I am.

 

00;15;10;13 – 00;15;10;29

Dr. Mona

 

00;15;11;00 – 00;15;29;04

Kobe Campbell

There’s something inside of him that says, I’m allowed to be free here, you know. Yeah I can tell that. But he’s like he loves to run over and tickle us. And sometimes you have to force a laugh out, you know, because we’re tired and we’re like ha ha ha. But you know, he loves to be silly with us.

 

00;15;29;04 – 00;15;46;11

Kobe Campbell

And we have to remind ourselves it’s not because he’s not listening. It’s not because he is not focused. It really is him throwing out a bid, saying like, hey, am I still safe with you guys? Can I still have fun with you guys? Can I still be crazy? You guys can I still see a different side of you guys?

 

00;15;46;11 – 00;16;06;24

Kobe Campbell

And, you know, silliness really slows down our day. That’s why so many parents want to nip it in the bud. We’re like, stop doing that. Stop doing. Put your shoes on the right feet. You know better, right? But when we’re crazy and as sometimes also an invitation from our kids to, like, slow down and see them, it just is an invitation for connection.

 

00;16;06;27 – 00;16;23;21

Dr. Mona

And like you say, like with that shoe example, like throwing in silliness and playfulness to get on the shoes is part of silliness, right? Like my son all the time. Like if he’s refusing something I rather than getting into the power struggle, I lean in on playfulness, verbalization, and silliness. I say, okay, time to put on our shoes and I sing a silly song.

 

00;16;23;27 – 00;16;39;05

Dr. Mona

And even if anything, it makes everyone call. You said it slows down the day a little bit in terms of also just calming us down the silliness, and also letting that child know that I get it that you don’t want to do this, but hey, we’re going to do this together. This is fun. This is something that I love.

 

00;16;39;05 – 00;16;54;00

Dr. Mona

I know we need to do this, but oh, I just think I’m so glad when I hear other parents talk about the importance of silliness and playfulness because, you know, my son’s three and I’m pregnant with the second. By the time this episode airs, I may have the baby already. We’ll see. But, you know, it really adds light to the parenting.

 

00;16;54;00 – 00;17;13;25

Dr. Mona

You know, it doesn’t make it feel as serious. And I think there’s a misconception that, again, silliness means that you’re not setting boundaries. Like I said already with like, being obedient and all that. But no, it’s it’s just part of parenting. And you still can set boundaries and your child will still know, you know what needs to get done, but it really adds levity to the life.

 

00;17;13;25 – 00;17;16;27

Dr. Mona

I can’t imagine being a parent without playfulness and silliness.

 

00;17;16;29 – 00;17;27;18

Kobe Campbell

Absolutely. And I think a lot of parents forget that. You mentioned, like, the power struggle. Sometimes we forget that the greatest demonstration of power is letting go of power.

 

00;17;27;20 – 00;17;28;01

Dr. Mona

Is like.

 

00;17;28;01 – 00;17;39;11

Kobe Campbell

Demonstrating I am secure enough that I’m not going to get in a fight with you over these shoelaces right now. Yes, sometimes our kids are trying to ask, is the schedule a priority or am I the priority?

 

00;17;39;13 – 00;17;40;02

Dr. Mona

 

00;17;40;04 – 00;17;58;03

Kobe Campbell

You know, and like, for my son, if he knows where I’m a schedule, which I’m a schedule, girly, you know, he’ll slow things down on purpose or he’ll. And really, like, I have to remind myself he’s trying to connect with me because he can tell I’m a little more fixated on getting everything done in a timely manner than I am on him.

 

00;17;58;05 – 00;18;19;25

Kobe Campbell

And so again, it’s another invitation. So yeah, I love doing my best to be silly with the boys and play with them and wrestle with them. I am a boy mom through and through. Race with them down the street and it’s just something so therapeutic for me as a grown adult, running in the middle of the street with a four year old, you know?

 

00;18;19;25 – 00;18;31;24

Dr. Mona

Yeah, yeah. I’m curious just that, you know, did you have this sort of parenting experience as a child or was it different? I was talking about like, you know, my childhood being a little different, but I’m just curious how it was for you. Now, also being a therapist.

 

00;18;31;26 – 00;18;52;13

Kobe Campbell

Uhhuh. Well, you know, why is so interesting? I was just home talking to my husband about this. How growing up, I would have been like, oh, my gosh, my parents were so strict. My parents were so, you know, and I come from a first generation Kenyan American family. My dad is a director of an MBA program. My mom is like the head nurse on her floor, just super high achieving family.

 

00;18;52;15 – 00;19;13;23

Kobe Campbell

And looking back, I would have said, oh my gosh, my parents didn’t care. They were just so intense and this and that. But now that I’m a parent, I see the areas where I’m like, oh yeah, they definitely use fear. But I also remember so much of my parents being sturdy in their boundaries and their fun and everyday moments.

 

00;19;13;25 – 00;19;32;01

Kobe Campbell

Yeah. And it was like, wow, you know, I had sturdy parents. I had parents who, you know, they didn’t always do positive parenting, but like, there was definitely a time where my parents really were embodying the principles of positive parenting. They didn’t let me do whatever I wanted to, but they would talk to me. They would converse with me.

 

00;19;32;01 – 00;19;58;12

Kobe Campbell

They would explain things to me. They would laugh with me. We would go to the pool and play together. And so, you know, it wasn’t fully my upbringing, but I think there’s something beautiful about me being able to reference how I was raised and the ways that my parents connected to me as first generation immigrants, to the way I raised my sons, and really feel a sense of honor for the ways my parents really were ahead of their time for their generation.

 

00;19;58;15 – 00;20;22;08

Dr. Mona

And you felt that safety then, like the safety that we’re talking about? Yeah. And that’s beautiful. Off, I love it. I love talking to people who are experts in their field. For you, obviously, being a licensed trauma therapist and parenting and talking about your parenting, how you were parenting that experience. I think it’s so important because we just already mentioned that a lot of parenting is going back into our past and kind of undoing or revisiting past trauma sometimes, or what worked.

 

00;20;22;08 – 00;20;26;24

Dr. Mona

And so I just love that conversation. So thank you for responding to that question.

 

00;20;26;26 – 00;20;28;11

Kobe Campbell

Of course. Of course.

 

00;20;28;14 – 00;20;41;10

Dr. Mona

Well, I love this. I just think it’s so healthy. It’s so therapeutic to chat about this and, you know, talking about trust and obedience and, you know, positive parenting and silliness. What would be your final message for everyone listening today?

 

00;20;41;12 – 00;20;55;14

Kobe Campbell

Oh, I think my final message for anyone listening today would be, it’s not too late to recover the safety and the silliness you didn’t get in your childhood. It’s never too late. You can give it to your children and you can give it to yourself too.

 

00;20;55;16 – 00;21;19;29

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Oh, Kobe, I love chatting with you. I know I’m going to have you on the podcast again just because I feel this connection. Talking about connection, I feel this parenting vibe, connection with you. And I just love again to share this information with the world. So tell me where people can find you. Find your book, all of this information for anyone who’s interested, which I’m sure they are, because this was an awesome conversation.

 

00;21;20;01 – 00;21;45;26

Kobe Campbell

Thank you. Absolutely. So you can find me on all the social medias at Kobe Campbell underscore. And then you can find my book at Kobe campbell.com/book. Or you can just find it on Amazon on Target. But similarly in Barnes and Noble, everywhere you get books. So, I would love for you to grab a copy and start your healing journey for yourself and let your kids benefit from it, but for you to benefit from it first.

 

00;21;45;28 – 00;22;03;16

Dr. Mona

Oh, absolutely. And I’m going to be linking all of that information on the website, as well as social media handle to our show notes so that you can easily find that information and connect with Kobe and get her book. Because I already I already am so excited about it because I feel healed just chatting about this stuff. And I know the book is going to be even more healing.

 

00;22;03;22 – 00;22;04;23

Dr. Mona

So thank you.

 

00;22;04;26 – 00;22;06;07

Kobe Campbell

Well, thank you.

 

00;22;06;10 – 00;22;24;11

Dr. Mona

And for everyone listening. If you love this conversation, which I’m sure you did because it was amazing, make sure you leave a review or rating wherever you can. This is how the podcast continues to grow. And like I said, I will be having Kobe on again for another episode on the show in the future. Thank you for joining us.

 

00;22;24;11 – 00;22;40;02

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.