On today’s episode I welcome Jenny Mehrer. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (On Instagram as @jennywestmehrerlmft) who joins me to talk about boundary setting with our loved ones.

We discuss:

• Why we have difficulty setting boundaries with loved ones
• Why lack of boundary setting can cause friction in families
• Why lack of boundary setting can cause behavioral issues in children
• First steps in creating boundaries
• How we can communicate to our parents who differ in various parenting philosophies
• How to create boundaries during the holidays and surrounding COVID precautions

00;00;06;29 – 00;00;36;18

Dr. Mona

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the PedsDocTalk podcast. I’m your host, Doctor Mona, where each week I hope to educate and inspire you in your journey through parenthood with information on your most common concerns as a parent and interviews with fellow parents and experts in the field. My hope is you leave each week feeling more educated, confident and empowered in the decisions you make for your child.

 

00;00;36;20 – 00;00;58;21

Dr. Mona

Welcome to this week’s episode where I am welcoming Jenny Mehrer. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist and we are talking all about setting boundaries with family members. So grandparents loved ones. It can be such a touchy subject, but we are going to hash out some of the main issues that I see as a pediatrician and and she sees as a therapist today.

 

00;00;58;24 – 00;01;00;28

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining us, Jenny.

 

00;01;01;00 – 00;01;06;01

Jenny Mehrer

I’m so happy to be here and to talk about boundaries. One of my favorite things.

 

00;01;06;03 – 00;01;26;26

Dr. Mona

I am so grateful that you messaged me. I had put up a plea on my Instagram at Kids doctor for someone for someone to come on my my podcast to talk about these things and Jenny DM me and we connected through email and we’re just so excited to talk about all these amazing topics that a lot of my followers actually, messaged me about.

 

00;01;27;02 – 00;01;35;01

Dr. Mona

So we’ll be going through all of that. But before we start, tell me more about yourself and your training and what what drew you to become a licensed marriage and family therapist?

 

00;01;35;03 – 00;02;03;13

Jenny Mehrer

All right, so I am located in San Diego, California, and I attend an undergrad and graduate school here. And part of your training in graduate school was to work at a site. And I was placed at our local children’s hospital in the psychiatry department. And so there I really got to see the ins and outs of how the entire system impacts the mental well-being of a child and a family.

 

00;02;03;15 – 00;02;26;27

Jenny Mehrer

So after I finished my time at the hospital, I worked in school based settings, community based settings, and then back at the hospital and clinic based settings. And currently I’m working in private practice and trying to balance the fine line of being at home with two children and seeing my clients via telehealth.

 

00;02;26;29 – 00;02;42;03

Dr. Mona

And that is a fine line. So many of us are dealing with right now. So from your personal expertise, I know this conversation will be helpful in so many ways. Why do you think we as adults have such a hard time creating boundaries with our family members?

 

00;02;42;06 – 00;03;06;27

Jenny Mehrer

I found the most perfect Brené Brown quote to just summarize it, but I work and I talk extensively about it. So, she says, daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. And I think the root of us having trouble setting boundaries is we do not want to disappoint people, especially our family members.

 

00;03;06;27 – 00;03;34;29

Jenny Mehrer

Disappointing your family members is very uncomfortable. So a lot of times when we sit boundaries, we may feel like we’re being mean or we’re being insensitive to others. We may find ourselves feeling very guilty because we’re setting boundaries. And a lot of that’s rooted in this fear of disappointment. So one thing, just starting off, if it feels safe, let your family know that you don’t want to disappoint them.

 

00;03;34;29 – 00;03;57;27

Jenny Mehrer

I need to set this boundary. And at the same time, I don’t want to disappoint you in this and acknowledge that it’s uncomfortable. Acknowledge the discomfort. And kind of accept that we’re going to have this discomfort. One thing I was talking about, one of my dear friends and she’s also a therapist, is she was talking about this great analogy she uses with the family she works with.

 

00;03;58;00 – 00;04;29;02

Jenny Mehrer

She says you cannot expect a person to walk into a room with the lights off and then not run into furniture. So our job is to communicate our boundaries. Our job is to show them where the furniture is, so that when they walk in this dark room, they don’t fall over. Because it’s so much easier to frontload and talk about the boundaries you have, then react in the moment when someone’s already crossed your boundaries and you’re so upset and you’re triggered and you’re not thinking properly.

 

00;04;29;04 – 00;04;47;00

Dr. Mona

I love Britney Brown and I love her quotes, and that just really sums up a lot of what I think we’re going to be talking about. And I’m sure as a marriage and family therapist, you may see this, but do you think the lack of boundaries setting with relatives leads to problems in a family? This is obviously very important stuff for me that we have a conversation about, correct?

 

00;04;47;03 – 00;05;10;04

Jenny Mehrer

Oh yeah. The the lack of boundaries is a universal problem. You can see it in every single setting, but with a family it’s just much more emotional. So it can cause problems with our relatives. And as a parent it causes problems with our children. So it’s a fine balance that we need to fine between setting a boundary and like letting things go.

 

00;05;10;06 – 00;05;33;24

Jenny Mehrer

So one rule I like to follow when it comes to setting boundaries with your family members is discussing ahead of time what’s important with your partner. What’s a big non-negotiable item? What’s a boundary that we really can be flexible about? So the ones that we need to hold on to and set firmly, and the ones that we can be a little more flexible about.

 

00;05;33;26 – 00;06;02;27

Jenny Mehrer

So an example of that that I’ve recently encountered is, in my house, I don’t want us to function on gender roles and how people should act. So boys don’t cry. You need to man up. You’re acting like a sissy. This is just one that I’ve set up for. I’m boundary on. And it can be hard when our family members cross those boundaries.

 

00;06;03;00 – 00;06;10;21

Jenny Mehrer

Especially when it comes to, again, going back to not wanting to disappoint our family members.

 

00;06;10;23 – 00;06;16;10

Dr. Mona

Do you find that most of the problems come with, a parent and the and the child’s grandparent correct.

 

00;06;16;13 – 00;06;46;17

Jenny Mehrer

A lot of times, or, and, a lot of multigenerational, generational families living together. So it may be grandparent aunts. It may be auntie. Not necessarily respecting the limitations that are set or trying to supersede the limitations that have been set. But yes, often times with grandparents, trying to do their best, but crossing those boundaries.

 

00;06;46;20 – 00;07;09;19

Dr. Mona

And I think this is an important conversation because and I asked that question earlier, that the lack of boundaries setting can lead to problems because people sometimes think, well, let me just avoid boundary setting because I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. I don’t want to, you know, cause problems. But it’s the alternative that the lack of actually discussing issues and the lack of setting healthy boundaries with your loved ones, including your parents, for example, can lead to more problems.

 

00;07;09;19 – 00;07;10;01

Dr. Mona

Correct?

 

00;07;10;07 – 00;07;45;13

Jenny Mehrer

Absolutely, absolutely. So there’s a lot of and to support Toria, anxiety around setting boundaries. So I’m anticipating they’re not going to respect this. I’m anticipating I’m going to hurt their feelings. I’m anticipating this is not going to go well. But when you actually set the boundary and it’s and it’s respected, that anxiety is so unnecessary and it’s so much easier to deal with that temporary and to support anxiety instead of that, big blow up that can happen when boundaries are crossed and you feel so violated and you feel so misunderstood.

 

00;07;45;13 – 00;07;51;19

Jenny Mehrer

And sometimes safety or, family values aren’t respected.

 

00;07;51;21 – 00;08;08;17

Dr. Mona

And you mentioned briefly that it can cause relationship issues between, the, the parent and the grandparent, but it also can cause problems with the parent and the child. So what are some ways that lack of boundary setting can affect the parent child relationship, or even just child behavior in general?

 

00;08;08;19 – 00;08;52;02

Jenny Mehrer

Absolutely. So I think it’s important for us to talk about, like, how every family has a different set of family culture and values. And so being mindful of that grandparent and parent will have different values. But what can happen is a child becomes incredibly confused when the parents hold one boundary and family members hold another boundary. So when it comes to children, it really goes back to picking those big items that you need to hold on to and be, what becomes a more flexible boundary that we can be, lenient about or, not as rigid about?

 

00;08;52;05 – 00;09;17;21

Jenny Mehrer

One thing that I wanted to talk about, though, was, when children may have problematic behavior because I think, families tend to address these differently. And so I think safety issues or, actions that significantly violate your, your values are when we need to start talking about that when it comes to children. So I have a perfect example of this.

 

00;09;17;24 – 00;09;51;10

Jenny Mehrer

My three year old son pinched his cousin, who’s one year old, and he couldn’t tell us what was going on because he’s a one year old. And I know that his mom dreaded coming to talk to me about how my son had pinched his cousin. And so I was so grateful that my cousin came to talk to me, even though I know it was so incredibly hard for her coming into me talking about, how I violated her values.

 

00;09;51;12 – 00;10;13;24

Jenny Mehrer

And so I felt awful. She felt awful coming to talk to me. And I felt so incredibly grateful that she came to talk to me about this. Comfortable thing that happened, or this uncomfortable boundary violation that my son inflicted that I would have had no idea about had she not come and talk to me about the actions my son had taken.

 

00;10;13;27 – 00;10;36;20

Jenny Mehrer

So this is a situation, especially when it comes to a child’s behavior where their boundaries should have been set. My son should not be pinching. And it was so important for me to know that. And so, for a child’s behavior, maybe if someone’s being a little loud and you don’t really like how loud they’re being, that could be something that we’re flexible about.

 

00;10;36;20 – 00;10;54;13

Jenny Mehrer

But when it comes to safety, as uncomfortable as it is, or as worried as you are about hurting the other parents feelings, it’s it’s pivotal. Pivotal for you to let the parent know, hey, your child is crossing this safety boundary. I really need you to intervene.

 

00;10;54;16 – 00;11;11;23

Dr. Mona

That is so important. And especially as a pediatrician, I love that you’re talking about the safety boundaries and, you know, going up on that tier of, you know, essential, non-negotiable boundaries you mentioned. Because, you know, I think we’ll get into a little bit when you’re meeting a grandparent or, you know, obviously the grandparent is living with you or visiting.

 

00;11;11;26 – 00;11;27;26

Dr. Mona

There are so many things that you can learn to let go. But the safety stuff I, as a pediatrician, always will say, you have to be adamant about safety stuff. So a child has to go into a car seat. There has to be safe sleep. There has to be, you know, certain things that they can’t eat. You know, honey shouldn’t be given like under one.

 

00;11;27;26 – 00;11;40;21

Dr. Mona

You know, there’s certain things, safety wise, that we just want to do. And it’s not a lot of stuff, if you think about it. I mean, there’s some things that I even as a pediatrician, I let go a lot of or others who are not in the medical field to be like, I would never let my kid do that.

 

00;11;41;10 – 00;11;57;12

Dr. Mona

Like, like germ stuff, right? Like, I’ll let you know, Ryan, I don’t really care much about, like, just basic germs in the house where others might, but it’s it’s the non-negotiable safety things that can be really life threatening. And, you know, car seats is one of those things that our parents generation strapped us into the car, just, you know, put us in the backseat.

 

00;11;57;14 – 00;12;15;26

Dr. Mona

And they were like, well, you survived. But obviously that’s not we know now with research on car safety and car seats, how important that is. But I love, love, love that you mention that because it is important to look at the safety things. And you brought up, even though people may not think that’s a safety thing because they may think more of the big things like car seat or safe sleep.

 

00;12;16;04 – 00;12;21;06

Dr. Mona

It’s something that if we didn’t know about or didn’t remedy, we can’t change that child’s behavior.

 

00;12;21;08 – 00;13;02;00

Jenny Mehrer

Absolutely. I think when we feel afraid or we feel hesitant to communicate about certain, things such as the pinching, we miss these incredible teachable moments that we can, give our children, that we can set in place. Even we could say we could give teachable moments to any family member when we recognize that a boundary has been crossed and we are feeling a certain way, and we talk about it and we acknowledge it, we’re able to make some really good changes and communicate effectively that if we felt too shy or too worried about, we would absolutely miss.

 

00;13;02;02 – 00;13;24;10

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. Now, you mentioned a few things already, like ways that we can maybe start creating boundaries with our. Let’s use the grandparents as an example, the child’s grandparent. So I know you mentioned, you know, looking at your non-negotiables but also talking to your partner before that interaction will happen with grandparents. What are some other basic first steps in creating those boundaries with grandparents?

 

00;13;24;13 – 00;13;53;23

Jenny Mehrer

Oh man. So I think clear communication is so important. So if you have a comfortable relationship with the grandparents that you’re going to be around or whatever family member, clearly communicating the boundaries is key to set the foundation for, I mean, any relationship. So it’s important for you to first check in with yourself and figure out what are these boundaries, what are these values that I have and why are they important to me?

 

00;13;53;23 – 00;14;14;10

Jenny Mehrer

So what’s what’s setting me off? What is really pivotal to me, what is not as important to me? So that when you are able to clearly communicate your boundaries with the grandparents, that you understand the reason why? Because some people may push back, they may question, well, why do you feel that way? Why do you have that boundary?

 

00;14;14;13 – 00;14;46;12

Jenny Mehrer

And sometimes we react emotionally and we don’t even know. And so just really checking in with yourself first is really important because again people may test that boundary. Why? What’s going on? Remember that as much as we wish other people were, they’re not mind readers. So we can’t read their minds and they can’t read our minds. So if we want to have boundaries with our grandparents or with the grandparents, we really do need to.

 

00;14;46;14 – 00;15;17;00

Jenny Mehrer

Step one clarify what are our boundaries and why we have them. And step two communicate those boundaries clearly. Aren’t like especially limitations. I know grandparents really want to grandparent to their fullest, and sometimes that’s awesome. And sometimes it is a boundary that needs to be set. So again, going back to where is that? Where can we be flexible and where do we need to draw a hard line?

 

00;15;17;04 – 00;15;44;17

Jenny Mehrer

I know that over the holidays there are a ton of expectations and every single family member has different expectations. And this year is going to be especially different with Covid and travel restrictions and some cities going on lockdown again. So really clarifying expectations and giving plenty of warning about that. But I want to talk about Covid specifically later on.

 

00;15;44;19 – 00;16;14;13

Jenny Mehrer

Some families have certain expectations and feel incredibly disappointed when those aren’t met. So to save a lot of unintentional hurt, front loading as much information as you can in the boundaries, is really important. So, especially with grandparents and also having an open conversation about the boundaries you set to check in with the grandparents or family members.

 

00;16;14;13 – 00;16;36;19

Jenny Mehrer

How do you feel about this boundary at that? Do you have any questions? Here’s where there’s wiggle room. Here is where there is no wiggle room. So for like one thing in our house and this is just our house, an hour before bedtime, my son does not watch anything with a screen, and that’s just a rule I have.

 

00;16;36;21 – 00;16;55;16

Jenny Mehrer

And I know it’s pretty hard for grandparents when he asks to watch Blippi to hold on to it, but it’s one that I ask that they do hold on to. And again, that’s a that’s a boundary we have in our family. Some other families may have no big deal. No problem with Blippi being on an hour before bed.

 

00;16;55;19 – 00;17;19;11

Dr. Mona

That is a great example. You know, I love that screen time is a really good one because, there is usually, intergenerational issues with, with screen time. You brought up two comments that I wanted to talk about. One of them was asking the relative if they have questions about the boundary. I think that’s really important. I actually talk about that a lot, too, that, you know, it’s okay to kind of, in a way include them in the conversation.

 

00;17;19;11 – 00;17;38;08

Dr. Mona

Right? It’s not like, hey, this is what’s going to happen and you’re just going to deal with it. It’s like, do you have questions about this? What are your comments about it? And having that sort of like you said, open communication is so key. And then the other thing from a psychological perspective, which I always think about, you mentioned kind of looking inside yourself and seeing, well, what is this boundary?

 

00;17;38;08 – 00;18;01;07

Dr. Mona

Why am I creating this boundary? Is also looking at the triggers that our, our parents can have on us. Right. So I talk about, you know, as an adult, if you had a parent who told you not to cry or it was some way with your emotions or or commented on your weight or commented on X, Y, and Z when you were a child, when you are an adult now raising your own child.

 

00;18;01;20 – 00;18;07;21

Dr. Mona

That parent who’s now a grandparent saying those things to your child can it can trigger you, right?

 

00;18;07;28 – 00;18;08;22

Jenny Mehrer

Absolutely.

 

00;18;08;22 – 00;18;40;12

Dr. Mona

And you get so upset and it’s like all of a sudden if you’re like, in this world where you’re like, wait, what’s happening? And I’m reliving my childhood negatively through my own child, which can be really hard. And I kind of say it’s almost to the point when you hear a comment from your parent, it’s almost like if your friends had that same comment, like one of your best girlfriends, would you also be upset is kind of how I describe it, because it was a it was a practice because I realized sometimes it was the fact that I’m triggered by my own parents and they say something which, if anyone else said it, I probably

 

00;18;40;12 – 00;18;58;18

Dr. Mona

would have been fine, but because they’re doing it or they’re saying it all of a sudden, I’m so upset about it. And I think that understanding takes a lot of time, because when you start to realize those triggers from our childhood, it can really help a lot. And saying, you know what? I can actually let this go or this is actually not okay, this is a boundary I need to fight for.

 

00;18;59;02 – 00;19;10;06

Dr. Mona

Because you can kind of realize that I there may be a lot of things I can let go, because it’s just something I’m triggered by when it’s actually may not be a deal breaker or a non-negotiable or something like that, you know?

 

00;19;10;08 – 00;19;24;05

Jenny Mehrer

Absolutely every single family has intergenerational patterns and intergenerational triggers. And so to, to be aware of those is only beneficial.

 

00;19;24;08 – 00;19;41;06

Dr. Mona

And so now what I wanted to do, because I we’ve kind of set the stage here on what we want to talk about and how important boundaries are with family members. And I know I’m speaking about grandparents a lot, you know, because that’s just what I commonly get asked about. But this is not just for grandparents. It can apply to any family member.

 

00;19;41;08 – 00;20;00;19

Dr. Mona

But what I had done was on my Instagram, I put up a story, story box and I asked my followers, well, what are some concerns or difficulties you have in setting boundaries? So we’re going to actually go through a few examples, and Jenny’s going to kind of talk about what, you know, she would recommend. And we’re just going to have a conversation about that.

 

00;20;00;21 – 00;20;17;06

Dr. Mona

So the first one I have is how can we communicate to our parents when they say, well, we raised you and things turned out well, so how can we make them understand that things are just different now versus then? Or maybe we’re just different now and we don’t want to do what was done back in the day.

 

00;20;17;08 – 00;20;35;03

Jenny Mehrer

All right. So man, are things different from when I was being raised. My mom tells me all the time how different things for them. But I think the first place to start when your parents say something like that is to affirm the job that your parents did with you.

 

00;20;35;05 – 00;20;35;17

Dr. Mona

 

00;20;35;19 – 00;21;03;07

Jenny Mehrer

Acknowledge their point of view and yeah. Let them know you did a great job with me. You did such a good job. Can you trust my judgment? But I can hear their point of view and then ask them to respect the parenting choices that, that you’re making. So I know sometimes you may affirm them and acknowledge their point of view and set the boundary, and they may not respect that.

 

00;21;03;10 – 00;21;27;26

Jenny Mehrer

So, you could say, you know what, mom, dad? Grandma? Grandpa, Auntie, whoever is this? We have so much more information and access to information than we did when you were raising us. So acknowledging. Hey, I know you have a good heart. I know you have this good intentions. This is my boundary. And this is why I set my boundary.

 

00;21;27;29 – 00;21;55;07

Jenny Mehrer

So I know, back is best. Is now the way that babies are supposed to sleep. And I’ve been told by so many aunts and my parents. Oh, we used to just put you on your tummy like you slept great on your tummy. And so having to explain while back is best. This is the reason why I made it so much easier to set that limit, because I kind of got to, pass the buck on to, science.

 

00;21;55;07 – 00;22;23;03

Jenny Mehrer

Right? Science says that this is not safe. And so this is why I’m doing it. Another thing that is really important to keep in mind when parents will say, well, we raised you. Why this is how you are is to keep in mind that every child and really humans in general have different temperaments. So just because this worked for me and this is how you worked with my brother, doesn’t mean that this will be the best thing for my child.

 

00;22;23;15 – 00;22;51;01

Jenny Mehrer

And children even have different needs. Some kids need more food, some kids need less food. And, another thing to remind them of is that, trends change constantly. So even from when I had my son almost four years ago, when I want to have my daughter, certain things change. And so I can’t imagine what a 30 year difference is like for them to so to acknowledge, hey, things, things have changed.

 

00;22;51;27 – 00;23;14;25

Jenny Mehrer

And then to remind our parents, grandparents, whoever it may be, that just like they did and are still doing well, we are doing the best we can as parents with the information, the experience that we have. So really affirm, acknowledge, set your limit and then if you need to provide background information to why, set that limit.

 

00;23;14;27 – 00;23;36;13

Dr. Mona

That is so amazing. And I think that is just so inclusive, right? I mean, we talked about that earlier. Like including and acknowledging the work that our parents did is is an easy thing to do. You know, the example I use is with boundaries, but also just with in general, like when my mom is here and I include her in the decision making processes that I know she’s great at.

 

00;23;36;13 – 00;23;54;03

Dr. Mona

Right? So my mom is a great cook, so I incorporated her in decision making for, hey, can you help me once a week, come up with a meal plan for Ryan for the week. And she loved it, right? She felt so involved. She felt like she was a part of this. And then, you know, she can say, well, Mona, you know, maybe you should give this and then we can do, like a pasta and then we do this.

 

00;23;54;09 – 00;24;10;03

Dr. Mona

And it was just so nice seeing her eyes light up and having her feel like she was a part of it. And the example you give me just also seems like we’re trying to, in a way, empower our parents. And so, you know what you did a good job. And like you said, you did such a good job that I feel like I’m such a I’m going to be a great parent.

 

00;24;10;03 – 00;24;30;22

Dr. Mona

And I’m working through the, you know, the good and bad of being a parent that just watched me thrive in this role. Right. Like watch me do what you were. You raised me to do so well because you did such a good job. And I think that’s such an important perspective and perspective. And I think all the listeners listening right now are going to really find that useful, because we commonly want to defend.

 

00;24;30;25 – 00;24;45;19

Dr. Mona

Right? We want to say like, I want to do this and we’re going to do this because I said so, because maybe our parents did that too. And maybe we’re so defensive of what we want as parents, which is natural. But it’s so nice to just started out with I just appreciate you. Can we just start with that?

 

00;24;45;19 – 00;25;06;13

Dr. Mona

Like I just really appreciate you, but, you know, because I appreciate you so much. I want to say that, you know, I will do the best I can. You’ll always ask you if I need help. It’s such a symbiotic relationship that way. And I think if we can approach it, it can really help solve a lot of those conflicts, like you said, in not every situation, but in so many ways.

 

00;25;06;13 – 00;25;11;23

Dr. Mona

So you speak about it just so eloquently and I love it. Thank you so much for that.

 

00;25;11;26 – 00;25;41;19

Jenny Mehrer

Of course, one thing I wanted to add is, just when it comes to interacting with parents and we feel that judgment sometimes like, oh, Jenny, why why are you doing that? Sometimes it’s more about their anxieties or their whatever curiosity, whatever that we want to label it, stress that actually what we’re doing it as parents, sometimes the judgments have to do with them and not anything to do with us.

 

00;25;41;19 – 00;26;00;26

Jenny Mehrer

So try your best if that’s happening, to not take it personally because it’s so, so, so important to not let that ruin your day or ruin that that time while you’re together because of that one comment or that one brief little, rough interaction.

 

00;26;00;29 – 00;26;22;04

Dr. Mona

The example I want to give on that is, crying. So my all my the grandparents. So two sets of, you know, grandparents, they don’t like hearing my son cry and it’s cultural also. But it’s also that’s what they did for us at the minute. He starts crying. They get very visibly, palpably uncomfortable. And we know our son that we know what the cries mean.

 

00;26;22;04 – 00;26;38;04

Dr. Mona

We know that sometimes it’s okay to just leave him to cry because he’s older and we understand his needs. We understand his mood. But they it drives them nuts. Today, for example, my son was taking a little longer to go down for a nap, and my mom kept coming out of the room and she’s like, do you need me to go in there?

 

00;26;38;04 – 00;26;52;12

Dr. Mona

And I said, mom, just give him some time. I promise you, he’ll go down. And she kept coming out like every two minutes. And I’m like, mom. And she has this nervous look on her face and she’s like, but, Mona, do you think we should go, like, do you want do you think he lost his pacifier? I’m like, mom, trust me, he’ll go down.

 

00;26;52;12 – 00;27;11;17

Dr. Mona

I know him right? And then, lo and behold, ten minutes went by and he finally went down. And it’s it’s so interesting to see that, like you said, visibly see that anxiety. And it’s such a great comment because it’s not you. It’s them. Right. It’s it’s their own reservations. It’s their own insecurities that it’s not about what they’re not upset that I’m letting him cry.

 

00;27;11;17 – 00;27;36;06

Dr. Mona

They just they don’t want to hear him cry. Maybe there’s something in their childhood or maybe there’s something that happened for them that that makes them uncomfortable. But it’s not always about us. It’s not always about our parenting being poor. It’s just something that they’re just dealing with themselves and, this is such a great conversation because I think recognizing that makes it in relationship with that person that, you know, the grandparent a little more easier to handle, you know, absolutely.

 

00;27;36;06 – 00;28;00;18

Jenny Mehrer

I just think trying your best to not take on whatever that anxiety is about personally, personally can help you. So much and help you enjoy just life so much. If you can just hold that personal boundary for yourself like your own mental boundary, I will not take this on because this is not about me, which is very hard to do.

 

00;28;00;20 – 00;28;02;00

Jenny Mehrer

Very, very hard to do.

 

00;28;02;00 – 00;28;22;25

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love that. Well, this was a great example. The next one I had was one we kind of mentioned earlier. So an effective way to intervene or talk to a loved one, doing something we don’t necessarily do for our kids. So you gave the example of no screen time an hour before bed for your son. So things like giving certain sweets I’m going to use the word junk food.

 

00;28;22;25 – 00;28;37;09

Dr. Mona

I know some people don’t like that term, but you know, certain sweets, certain foods, screen time, spanking and discipline. Like if they, you know, do something different. How can we intervene? How what are some kind of maybe scripts that we can say when that’s starting to happen?

 

00;28;37;11 – 00;28;58;08

Jenny Mehrer

So this is another one where we’re going to say what can we be flexible on and what’s a hard no. What’s a hard boundary. It’s rigid. We’re not going to be flexible at all. Because we want to pick our battles. Right. Especially with the holidays, especially when that we do special things. We want to really figure out what’s important, what’s not.

 

00;28;58;08 – 00;29;21;09

Jenny Mehrer

Let’s check our internal barometer to figure out what’s going on. So I like to call the hard line ones your deal breakers. These are a deal breaker. This is a deal breaker. So one thing that was brought up was spanking. So in my family, no one in my family will be spanking my child. So that’s a line cannot be crossed.

 

00;29;21;10 – 00;29;49;28

Jenny Mehrer

And it warrants immediate intervention. So for things like that that were immediate attention and intervention, I would recommend staying as calm as possible and physically placing yourself or your hand between the person and your child. So this can be done if someone’s going to spank your child, if it’s if you see a cousin that’s raising their hand to hit your child, you just will calmly, in the most Janet Lansbury tone possible.

 

00;29;50;00 – 00;30;10;17

Jenny Mehrer

I cannot let you spank my child. I cannot let you hit my child. And you can tell your child that I cannot let you hit your cousin. So as much as possible, leaving the shame out of it. Because shame is such a heavy emotion, just in a calm, factual tone. I cannot let you, whatever it may be.

 

00;30;10;20 – 00;30;39;00

Jenny Mehrer

And then, just as calmly putting yourself physically in between communicates a physical boundary. So not only are you setting a verbal boundary, hey, I’m not okay with this, but you’re physically putting yourself in between. As calmly as possible for things that you can be more flexible, like, let’s say, candy screen time. I would just verbally set a limit and then you’re going to it’s on me to monitor.

 

00;30;39;00 – 00;31;01;06

Jenny Mehrer

So here are a few examples. So my child can have one cookie but no more. We normally don’t allow screen time, but since this is a special occasion, my child can watch 15 more minutes, and then hopefully that boundary is respected. And sometimes it’s not. Especially if my son had it his way. Like, he would be like mom said, 15 minutes.

 

00;31;01;12 – 00;31;28;26

Jenny Mehrer

Yeah, just 15 more minutes. Just 15 more minutes. So it’s up to me to keep that boundary set with him, too. But it so if the the boundary or the limit is not respected, calmly restate it and then you’re going to have to take appropriate actions. So sometimes that removing the cookies, taking your child to another room when screen time is happening and you ask them not to watch anymore.

 

00;31;29;02 – 00;31;57;12

Jenny Mehrer

So it’s not very fun. But, sometimes with boundaries, you just have to be the bad guy. Especially with your kids. I should have talked about this earlier, but consistency is key, especially with boundaries. And that goes universally for everyone. So if you set a boundary and it’s one of your hard line boundaries and you are flexible about it later on, it’s going to be that much harder to set the boundary again.

 

00;31;57;14 – 00;32;13;28

Jenny Mehrer

So you may have a boundary of we don’t let, our in-laws or our parents show up unannounced and they do it, and you set the boundary and they do it, and you set the boundary, and then you let them in one time, unannounced. All that work you put in setting the limit just went out the window.

 

00;32;14;01 – 00;32;34;00

Jenny Mehrer

And so it feels really uncomfortable. And, kind of easy to do it because you’re disappointing people and you’re being mean, which you’re really not. You’re just holding firm to your boundary. But consistency is key with boundaries. So that’s why it’s so important, going back to really checking in with yourself, why is why am I drawing this boundary?

 

00;32;34;00 – 00;32;51;17

Jenny Mehrer

Why is it important? And if it’s something I can be flexible on, great. And if it’s something I can’t be flexible on, I really need to be consistent and hold firm to this because of once the boundaries crossed and we just give a little. It’s so much harder to make up all that lost work that we’ve done.

 

00;32;51;19 – 00;33;12;02

Dr. Mona

My example for the boundary that I kind of am leaning lenient about my mother in law love showing him baby shark. It’s like her thing. He thinks it’s the best thing. And look, Ryan loves Baby Shark. So when my mother is cute, my mother in law’s here once a day, I allow her to show him baby shark. I said mom one time, but that’s it.

 

00;33;12;04 – 00;33;30;03

Dr. Mona

And I don’t like screen time that long. I don’t even Ryan has not seen a single other screen besides Baby Shark right now, right? Because he’s like, he’s an 11 month old. And I’m very, you know, I’m very reserved on screens. As a pediatrician, there’s a lot of research. Yes, but I but I allow it because it’s two minutes and she stops, right.

 

00;33;30;03 – 00;33;44;26

Dr. Mona

Or whatever. One minute and a half and she stops it and it’s done, and we move on. And she’s not. She wasn’t here. She was here for a week. Right? So if one day she does Baby Shark, I’m okay. Now, if it was three months that she was living with us, different story for me. But I chose the boundary, right?

 

00;33;44;26 – 00;34;08;20

Dr. Mona

I chose like, is this really going to end my and Ryan’s development? If I allow two minutes? But the problem we have to do as parents is, like you said, hold that boundary. And it’s not like, well, 15 minute or 2 minutes becomes 15, 15 becomes an hour, and then it’s just the boundaries gone. That’s what I worry about with parents because they just it becomes a thing and then they’re like, well, okay, they did it.

 

00;34;08;27 – 00;34;13;14

Dr. Mona

That makes them happy. Let’s just keep doing it. So I appreciate you saying holding to the boundary that.

 

00;34;13;14 – 00;34;44;10

Jenny Mehrer

Even kids are very, very aware socially. And so if they catch on to, oh, if I scream about this, oh, if I just ask 300 times and then I get it, well then next time they’re going to do it 301 times. So, they are I feel like society does not give them as much credit for how emotionally, aware they are, how just, attuned they are, especially to their caregivers.

 

00;34;44;12 – 00;34;50;07

Jenny Mehrer

They know everything.

 

00;34;50;09 – 00;35;15;16

Dr. Mona

And they know early animals. I think they know very early like Ryan also he now she’s the like I play the audio of Baby Shark and he will stand up and try to look at my phone because he knew I when when grandma was here, she, he saw a video, right. And I don’t show him the video, but he literally will jump up and like to stand will to stand and try to come to my phone and grab my phone so he could look at it because he remember that.

 

00;35;15;16 – 00;35;32;14

Dr. Mona

And I agree. And that’s why it’s so important to to remember how smart kids are and how in a nice way, they’re manipulative as all can be. They know. They know who’s going to be the one to break down their know they know who. The one that’s going to be like, well, if I cry enough, they’re going to, you know, break their boundaries.

 

00;35;32;14 – 00;35;48;17

Dr. Mona

So I love that you brought that up because it’s so important to remember that. And when I find struggles with parenting and boundaries and like you said earlier, with behavior, it’s when there is not that united front and grandma is being super lenient on things when the parents are all the way on the other end and they’re like, well, why?

 

00;35;48;23 – 00;36;03;25

Dr. Mona

You know, why does he do this with grandma and not with me? And why does he do this? It’s like, what what are we doing in terms of the boundaries across the board? So such an important thing. I did want to get to what you had mentioned about the holidays coming up. Right. We are recording this in November.

 

00;36;03;26 – 00;36;27;25

Dr. Mona

I’m hoping to release it before the holidays. There’s a few thing about the holidays that I want to go through. One is those grandparents that demand a hug or kiss from children. And I think our generation is kind of starting to understand that. Why that’s not always the best thing. We want to teach our children that they’re not required to hug or kiss someone that they are in control of, if they want to kiss someone, if they want to hug someone, that’s on them.

 

00;36;27;28 – 00;36;31;08

Dr. Mona

So how can we communicate that with grandparents?

 

00;36;31;10 – 00;36;55;11

Jenny Mehrer

Oh, I’m so glad we’re talking about this. Part of my, work was with children who have been violated. Yeah, their boundaries have been violated. So it’s so important. And it starts so young. So I think the rule of thumb, the theory that we can function on is we don’t force affection, and we welcome it when it is offered, or if we can just hold on to that.

 

00;36;55;17 – 00;37;19;25

Jenny Mehrer

Affection is not force is welcomed when it’s offered. We can have a whole new way of looking at the grandparent demanding a hug or a kiss. So as caregivers, it’s our responsibility to teach our children about consent. And that starts very young. So it’s it’s really done simply by giving them the message. You’re you’re in control of your body and you are the gatekeeper of your body.

 

00;37;19;27 – 00;37;51;16

Jenny Mehrer

So I know that especially with holidays coming up, people want to give hugs. And often it’s a demand. Go give. Yeah, go give grandma a hug. And if we can just reframe it, even if it is, grandma says, give me a hug, hug, come give grandma a hug. If we can flip it around and frame it as a question for our child, that’s starting to give them the power over their own body that you are in control of your body.

 

00;37;51;16 – 00;38;11;23

Jenny Mehrer

So would you like to give grandma a hug? Just giving that option to them? You can say no, right? You can say no. You cannot give. I do not want to give grandma a hug. Or you can say yes, I do want to give grandma hug. And then if your child declines hugs, that’s okay. My son often declines hugs and that’s okay.

 

00;38;11;23 – 00;38;29;02

Jenny Mehrer

And I let him know it’s okay. You don’t feel like giving a hug right now and let that family member now let grandma know, your child is in control of their body, so you can say I, I would you like to give grandma hug? Okay. No. I hear you don’t feel like hugging right now. Do you want to give a high five instead?

 

00;38;29;02 – 00;38;48;17

Jenny Mehrer

And so give another option. So, okay, we’re not going to force you to give a hug to you. Feel like giving knuckles? Do you feel like giving a high five? What’s another way that we can connect? So what why grandparent is asking for a hug or a kiss is because they want to connect with your child. They want to have that, closeness with them.

 

00;38;48;17 – 00;39;16;14

Jenny Mehrer

So what’s what’s the alternative? That we can do one thing that’s really, really important though, for family members to avoid is to pout or cry, to try to coerce your child into giving affection. So I know a lot of people will go, oh, I’m so sad that you don’t want to give me a hug. And that’s that is the prime way that you can set your child up to be groomed by someone with bad intentions.

 

00;39;16;17 – 00;39;34;00

Jenny Mehrer

So if a family member were to pretend to cry or pout in order to get that affection, that’s the time to really set a firm boundary. I know you really want a hug from them and I heard them say, no, hey, what’s another way that we can show affection to each other? How can you guys show each other love?

 

00;39;35;02 – 00;39;53;17

Jenny Mehrer

Because it is so important for them to get the message that I’m the child. To get the message that you are in control of your body, you allow who comes in and out of your personal space, and then it’s it’s really important for us to keep in mind it’s never a child’s job to make the adult feel better.

 

00;39;53;19 – 00;40;20;19

Jenny Mehrer

So if that adult gets hurt feelings, even if it’s done in a gentle way, I know you want to hug. They said no, it’s not up to your child to make them feel better. So really, to take that responsibility away from them, because I think sometimes we going back to we don’t want to disappoint people. So, we might make our child give that hug or we might make them do something they don’t want to.

 

00;40;20;22 – 00;40;40;11

Jenny Mehrer

But, I’m a big believer, and our gut is never wrong. And we want our children to trust their gut from a young age. So if they say no, we need to trust them about this. Other things. No, it needs to not be a negotiable, but about boundary use when it comes to your body. No is and no.

 

00;40;40;13 – 00;40;59;19

Dr. Mona

This is so important. And again, this is also, I see common from generation to generation. Right. Meaning our parents. They did this a commonly and now we understand more you know becoming a pediatrician and realizing more about you know, giving children control over their bodies and the choice. It’s so important. And with the holidays coming up, I think that’s a great example.

 

00;40;59;26 – 00;41;24;19

Dr. Mona

The other thing I wanted to talk about, for the holidays, I am very aware and I know the holidays can be very triggering for people and children who are concerned about their body image or concerned about their weight. All of it can also come with people getting together, and maybe a grandparent or a relative. Commenting on our child’s weight can be extremely triggering for us, especially if we also dealt with that as a child.

 

00;41;24;19 – 00;41;41;29

Dr. Mona

And even if we didn’t deal with that as a child. So what is something that we can say to the family member when they are making comments about our child’s weight and we don’t like that, and I don’t think people should be commenting on weight in general. So what can we say to these family members so that we can set that healthy boundary?

 

00;41;41;29 – 00;42;06;16

Jenny Mehrer

So one thing I want everyone to remember when someone makes a comment about weight, it’s mostly, if not wholly rooted in their own anxieties. So if someone’s making a comeback about someone being too skinny or too big, it’s almost always rooted in an anxiety that they have in themselves. And so this is one of those try not to take it personally.

 

00;42;06;16 – 00;42;31;28

Jenny Mehrer

It does hurt. It is uncomfortable. But it’s just it’s just so important to remember that this most likely is about them and not about you or your child. But I agree, it’s widely recommended that we just stop talking about anyone’s appearance. Yeah. We place too much weight on that and we are creating a very unhealthy narrative.

 

00;42;32;00 – 00;42;35;01

Jenny Mehrer

It is really dangerous.

 

00;42;35;04 – 00;42;42;10

Dr. Mona

So much so, I mean, it’s still and it still happens, and we’re actually guilty of doing it to an generation. I’m not even blaming just the grandparents.

 

00;42;42;10 – 00;43;04;14

Jenny Mehrer

I know I do it all the time, subconsciously and consciously. I would say the best way to deal with a grandparent who’s commenting, a family member who’s commenting about weight is to suggest that they try to highlight things that they like about the child, or that they notice about the child. That has nothing to do with their appearance.

 

00;43;04;16 – 00;43;33;04

Jenny Mehrer

So, what do you think about their curiosity or the determination to figure out that puzzle? So the goal is to help the narrative become that we’re celebrating all types of bodies, and we want all types of bodies represented in and out of our home, right? The shows we watch, the books we read, the people we talk about, the people were around we would love to have, all types of bodies celebrate it.

 

00;43;33;04 – 00;44;09;18

Jenny Mehrer

And to let your families know that, this is not a narrative. We want to go down. I think it’s important for family members to understand how early disordered images and disordered eating, disordered body images and disordered eating is starting. It’s earlier and earlier, and it’s on the rise in males to, sort of just let them know, hey, the comments you make have significant impacts and you could unintentionally hurt your grandchild, your who, whomever it may be in the long run.

 

00;44;09;21 – 00;44;35;00

Jenny Mehrer

So really, to cut that conversation short, I hear what you’re saying, and give them a fact. And it may be I know I have friends who want to spectrum, so I have friends who have had their kiddos, qualify for failure to thrive despite the fact that they have done absolutely everything possible to make sure their child is nourished and well taken care of.

 

00;44;35;02 – 00;44;59;14

Jenny Mehrer

And then I have, some friends who their children are, being watched for obesity, and they have to monitor every single thing their child takes in their body. And they can’t have snacks at playdates, and they can’t, which is tough. And I know there’s so much shame, so much shame around that for both parents. Both parents are anxious.

 

00;44;59;14 – 00;45;26;21

Jenny Mehrer

They feel like they failed their child because their child qualified for failure to thrive, or their child is now borderline obese or obese. So if, you feel like this family member is safe enough, let them know. This is something I’m working on with my doctor. And this is something that’s really hard for me. Or you could even if your pediatrician is comfortable with, say, would you like to come with me to that doctor’s appointment?

 

00;45;26;21 – 00;45;49;10

Jenny Mehrer

And that may help that parent or that grandparent with those concerns? Because, again, going back to this is rooted in their own anxiety. But if it’s something where your sweet great aunt makes a comment about how you’re holding on to the baby weight, and that is just unhelpful, you have every right to just say, like, I don’t want to talk about this.

 

00;45;49;12 – 00;46;15;29

Jenny Mehrer

You have every right to, set a physical boundary, which would be maybe making up an excuse. You have to walk away. Yeah. Or actually saying this is not I don’t want to talk about this. I’m going to take a break. Because it, again, is something that is rooted in the commenters anxiety and most likely not, an issue with you.

 

00;46;15;29 – 00;46;27;16

Jenny Mehrer

And if it is like the examples I gave with my friends really setting a boundary around that, this is a sensitive topic. I’m working with health care professionals around it, and I really do not want to discuss it anymore.

 

00;46;27;19 – 00;46;44;19

Dr. Mona

I love the example or the suggestion you said about walking away. What what I actually do. And I learned this and I thought it was amazing. I was getting into a argument with my dad and I could sense that it was going, it’s getting triggered, right? Like we were the voices were escalating and I knew I needed to de-escalate.

 

00;46;44;19 – 00;47;11;28

Dr. Mona

And so I, you know, I calm myself. And I said, you know what? That I’ll be right back. Brian needs to get a diaper change. He didn’t need a diaper change. So I picked him up and I took him upstairs to just calm myself down. I, you know, just played with him a little bit upstairs, and then I came back and I use that example because if you’re able to, you know, I’m not saying you should use your child to get out of a situation, but if you need to remove yourself, it’s important to do that because you you really don’t want to go into a place of, you know, yelling.

 

00;47;11;28 – 00;47;26;00

Dr. Mona

And why do you always see this? Why do you always comment on my child? Wait, why do you always do this? You really want to say, okay, I need to take this moment. I need to remind myself that this isn’t about me, that it’s probably, like you said, something deeper rooted in that person. And I’ll be right back.

 

00;47;26;00 – 00;47;40;20

Dr. Mona

And if it’s on your own, you just come quickly. But remember, like like Jenny said, you want to be very calm in your exit. You don’t want to stomp your feet. You don’t want to be upset. You want to just calmly say, you know what? I’ll be right back. We’ll continue this conversation, but I love that advice.

 

00;47;41;06 – 00;48;00;04

Jenny Mehrer

Absolutely. And one thing I like in your example is you actually took a break and did something to regulate yourself. So playing with Ryan is going to bring you joy, right? Yeah. We’re going to fire off all those neurotransmitters that are going to help you calm down. I’m assuming oxytocin is going to be firing away while you’re playing with your adorable child.

 

00;48;00;05 – 00;48;22;22

Jenny Mehrer

Yeah. So if you can do something like that where you are taking a break and at the same time regulating yourself, even if it’s like taking a break and doing 15 super deep breaths. Yeah. To regulate yourself and physically reset your body, you will enter back into that situation with a whole new mindset.

 

00;48;22;25 – 00;48;38;24

Dr. Mona

And Jenny, I know we could talk about this for another two hours, but you know, people ask me to keep the episodes under an hour. So I have one last question for you. It’s so funny. I could talk about this kind of stuff. This is so important. But the last question has to do around the holidays. But also just because we’re in the middle of this pandemic.

 

00;48;39;05 – 00;48;52;10

Dr. Mona

And I’m sure you’ve talking to so many clients about this, how to set boundaries around Covid, some family members may not have the same social distancing practices. Some may not take it as seriously. So what should a family do in this situation?

 

00;48;52;13 – 00;49;19;23

Jenny Mehrer

I mean, this is something we’re experiencing now. Every family that we normally interacted with has a different comfort level. Some feel much more comfortable going out and living life as normal as possible, and some are feeling a lot less comfortable. So I know for one, our family is trying to follow CDC recommendations and we’re having major FOMO missing out on a lot of opportunities.

 

00;49;20;23 – 00;49;46;26

Jenny Mehrer

So I think it’s important what I’ve talked about continuously is to clearly communicate with everyone what your boundaries are. So what I’m comfortable with and what I’m not comfortable with too big gatherings feel right now. Okay, let’s let our family members know, hey, this year we’re not going to be joining X, Y, and Z because we feel like this is the best choice for our family at this time.

 

00;49;46;28 – 00;50;08;16

Jenny Mehrer

Yeah. And then to ask the family member that you’re setting that boundary with to respect your choices, just like you are respecting theirs. Right? You’re not saying, well, come on, just wear a mask. Like, why don’t you’re wearing a mask? You’re saying, okay, that’s the choice you’re making. We’re not going to go play in the family football game because you’re not wearing a mask.

 

00;50;08;25 – 00;50;32;03

Jenny Mehrer

We’re just going to say this is a choice that we’re not going to make for our family. Just like I’m asking you not to put your values on to me. I’m not going to put my values on to you. Sometimes the best thing that you can try to do is find a compromise. So normally, you guys sit inside and drink hot cocoa by the fire and read, Christmas books together.

 

00;50;32;05 – 00;50;59;10

Jenny Mehrer

Well, can we shift that to outside? Can we do a bonfire instead and read the book outside? And everyone wears a mask unless they’re drinking their hot cocoa? Can we do a family walk together instead? Is everyone open to getting a Covid test and quarantining the best they can until we meet? Can we find a compromise to make sure that everyone feels safe?

 

00;50;59;13 – 00;51;22;07

Jenny Mehrer

And sometimes that may not happen, and sometimes you’re going to feel like you’re disappointing people. And that’s okay. And I think getting to a place where you can accept that you are going to disappoint people are may. You may not, but you may disappoint people. And it is what it is, is so much easier than being super anxious over.

 

00;51;22;11 – 00;51;50;22

Jenny Mehrer

Are we going to get sick or are we going to accidentally make our family member sick? Are we going to fight about this if we can just accept I made disappoint people and that’s a bummer and I wish it were the case. But because this is such an important value that I hold the health and safety of my family and others, that I’m willing to hold my value above disappointing people.

 

00;51;50;25 – 00;52;11;20

Dr. Mona

Yeah, and it’s a big one right now. And trying not to convince other people on what they should do and trying not to convince yourself from what other people are telling you. You know how you gave the example like, well, I’m not you’re not going around telling someone to wear a mask if they’re not. I don’t want a parent coming into my office to feel pressure to do something that they’re not comfortable with, that their gut isn’t telling them.

 

00;52;11;22 – 00;52;29;09

Dr. Mona

So even on my Instagram, like me and my husband, we go to a gym mass, right? We we do certain things, we go to outdoor restaurants. But I always try to tell my followers, I’m like, guys like, this is really important to recognize that what I’m doing, I do not expect everyone else to do. And I don’t want you to feel bad for not doing, for doing less.

 

00;52;29;09 – 00;52;49;17

Dr. Mona

As long as you’re taking this virus seriously, right? As long as you are weighing your risk and benefit in every situation. And I would hate that. Like two people are coming together and one person is like, you know what? I don’t feel comfortable. And then they’re like, come on, you should do it. Just do it. And then that person feels guilted into doing something and then God forbid, someone gets sick.

 

00;52;49;19 – 00;53;10;09

Dr. Mona

That guilt, that guilt is very heavy to live with. So my opinion is always whoever is the most reserved, whoever is most concerned in their social distancing practices or, you know, is more nervous or whatever about Covid should really have the say in the situation in many ways, to say, you know what? I don’t feel comfortable with this.

 

00;53;10;09 – 00;53;27;07

Dr. Mona

I’m just going to step back without being told, well, come on, everyone else is getting together. We should just do it. You’re missing out. Because I’m finding going back to this whole people pleasing. We don’t want to disappoint. It’s what people end up switching their mind for. And I don’t want you to go into that event feeling like so uncomfortable.

 

00;53;27;12 – 00;53;41;26

Dr. Mona

So I always say, like, if you don’t want to do it, if you don’t want to go to that baby shower, if you’re feeling off about something, if you’re even questioning it, there’s something. There’s a part of you that’s telling you it’s not right. So listen to yourself and say, you know what? Something’s not right about this. I don’t feel good about it.

 

00;53;42;03 – 00;54;01;02

Dr. Mona

And trust your gut and set that boundary for yourself. And I don’t want you to feel pressure to do something that you don’t feel comfortable with as a parent, because that’s our job to protect our families, protect ourselves, protect our children. And it could look many different ways for many different people this holiday season. And so really, it’s just trusting yourself.

 

00;54;01;05 – 00;54;19;14

Jenny Mehrer

Your gut is rarely wrong. So really, if you’re initial response is like, oh no, then, no matter, no matter how much FOMO you have, no matter how much your friend or family wants you there, if your gut is telling, you know, just trust your gut.

 

00;54;19;17 – 00;54;37;24

Dr. Mona

Oh, Jenny, this was such an amazing conversation. I asked you earlier, but you have an Instagram. Jenny West never left. I’m gonna add it to my show notes, but I know right now you’re not fully active on it. But maybe one day you will be. Is there anything else you wanted to add or share before we wrap up?

 

00;54;38;10 – 00;55;05;17

Jenny Mehrer

So I mentioned Janet Landsborough before, but she has a wonderful quote that is, boundaries are one of the highest forms of love. So give yourself permission, especially over the holidays, to do what works best for your family. So it’s again, setting this boundary, though it may feel uncomfortable, is actually a form of love, which sounds very silly.

 

00;55;05;17 – 00;55;32;11

Jenny Mehrer

And it doesn’t sound congruent, but it but it really is true. Boundaries are really loving. And remember, the holidays are overwhelming. So check your exact check the expectations you have for your kids. Check the expectations you have for your family. Check what your family’s expectations are, and make sure that everyone, has realistic expectations. So Covid has made us shift our expectations this year and that is okay.

 

00;55;32;13 – 00;55;53;27

Jenny Mehrer

And make sure to care for yourself. Last message care for yourself. During the holidays. It’s always overwhelming and adding Covid in. Just set some time aside. Lean into your partner. Do whatever you can to really make sure your own anxieties are in check to and caring for yourself.

 

00;55;53;29 – 00;56;12;21

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. I hope you guys enjoyed it. As always, please leave a review, share it with a friend, comment on my social media and if you’re not already, follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram. I love doing this for all of you. Have a great rest of your week. Take care.

 

00;56;12;24 – 00;56;13;18

Dr. Mona

Talk to you soon!