Ever feel like you’re the one who just knows when the Band-Aids are running low? The one who remembers the pediatrician’s number, tracks school spirit days, and anticipates every snack, schedule, and meltdown?

You might be the default parent—and you’re not alone.

In this week’s Follow-Up episode, we dig into the invisible labor of parenting: who carries it, how it ends up falling on one partner (often moms), and what it takes to shift those dynamics without resentment.

We talk about:

• What the default parent role actually is—and how to know if you’re in it

• Why moms in particular fall into this role (hint: it’s not just about who works more)

• How cultural expectations of “intensive mothering” set us up for burnout

• The slow unraveling of guilt, identity, and control so many of us face

• Practical strategies and mindset shifts that help partners share the load

Whether you’re feeling overstretched or trying to find more balance in your home, this episode is a validating, honest, and empowering listen.

00;00;00;05 – 00;00;23;29

Dr. Mona

Welcome to the follow up. I’m Doctor Mona, your online pediatrician mom friend, and apparently the only person in my house who knows where the sunscreen school forms. And that one jacket that actually zips up are located. Default parent present. Today’s clip is from my conversation with Erica Djossa, founder of mammal and author of Releasing The Motherload How to Carry Less and Enjoy Motherhood More.

 

00;00;24;05 – 00;00;44;12

Dr. Mona

We dive into what being the default parent really means, beyond just being the one who packs the snacks or knows the pediatrician’s phone number by heart. Erica breaks down why moms, especially in heterosexual partnerships, tend to default into this role. How much of it is unspoken and deeply internalized, and how couples can start shifting the mental load in a way that actually sticks.

 

00;00;44;15 – 00;01;00;02

Dr. Mona

If you’ve ever muttered, just look it up yourself to your partner or answered 17 questions before your coffee, hit the table from your partner. This one’s for you. Let’s get into it.

 

00;01;00;04 – 00;01;04;24

Dr. Mona

What is the default parent and how does someone know that they’re the default parent?

 

00;01;04;26 – 00;01;30;12

Erica Djossa

Yeah, it’s a really great question because I hear a lot well, you know, partners are taking on so much more than they ever have before. They take on, like, I don’t know, 33% of the household labor, for example. And while that is true, and it is great that there is more conversations happening about this, the default parent is really about who owns the tasks and the roles in the home.

 

00;01;30;14 – 00;01;54;24

Erica Djossa

It’s really the unspoken rules about when the kids say that they need something, or something needs to be done, or someone needs to go and get something. So who is the default responsible for the children? It’s the assumed person that has ownership over the tasks and roles. And often what I find when I speak with people is that this was never really a conscious conversation.

 

00;01;54;27 – 00;02;25;15

Erica Djossa

It was just sort of assumed, because I’m mom, I will be primary drop off and pickup. I will be primary point of contact for the pediatrician or for the dentist or the various others. So it’s really about ownership and examining how we got to holding these tasks. And did we put our names on them willingly and within a conscious conversation, or did they just kind of get handed to us and we accepted them because we think this is what it means to be a good mom.

 

00;02;25;18 – 00;02;43;06

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love it. And you brought up so many great examples of that default parent that they seem small, but when they add up, you can really feel, you know, add to that mental load that. We also talk about being in charge of all those things, the daily things that add up. And why do you feel like speaking of heterosexual relationships?

 

00;02;43;06 – 00;02;52;15

Dr. Mona

Okay, so you have a male and a female. Why do you think that women have tended to become the default parent, even if those conversations were, had, or weren’t had with a partner?

 

00;02;52;17 – 00;03;20;23

Erica Djossa

It’s so often due to gender roles and role dynamics as parents. And research shows us that actually same sex partners have a more equal distribution within the home because they don’t have gender to default to. So there will be more conversations about who’s going to take on what. Yeah. Whereas with a male and a female partner, we fall into these roles that we have seen modeled in our own, you know, childhood in media like all over the place.

 

00;03;20;23 – 00;03;55;25

Erica Djossa

And we’ve really internalized some core messages about what it means to be a good mom. And it’s really tricky because I love erotica and I love fair play. And I have the cards and I have the book, and I use them all the time. And I have a lot of clients who use them as well. But what happens when we just divide out the physical tasks and we don’t take on unpacking some of these pressures and expectations is if I think being a good mom equals being the one that gets up at night with my baby, being the one that is responsible for soothing my baby, being the one that needs to be there.

 

00;03;55;25 – 00;04;14;02

Erica Djossa

If my baby gets hurt or my child gets hurt. If that equals being a good mom, in my mind, I might want to share that load because it feels smothering, but I probably won’t. Or I’ll probably end up picking it back up because it equals being a good mom. In my mind, it’s tethered to my identity as a mom.

 

00;04;14;05 – 00;04;35;10

Erica Djossa

So it becomes very difficult for me to let others in or hand it over in its entire ownership to my partner. And some of these examples like soothing. Obviously we’re going to tag team in and out. Who sues? So not entirely. Can it be handed over, but to share in those things. But when we think that it means equals being a good mom, we’re going to really struggle with letting others in to do those things.

 

00;04;35;17 – 00;04;43;13

Erica Djossa

Or when we do let others, and we’re gonna feel really guilty and kind of hard on ourselves when we have to step away from some of those things.

 

00;04;43;16 – 00;05;00;07

Dr. Mona

Yeah. I, you know, personally relate to this too. I’m a full time working parent in terms of my own business, but also clinically working. My husband works a lot. When you look at the hours of work that we do outside of the home, you know, like the paid work we get outside of the home, I actually work way more than he does.

 

00;05;00;13 – 00;05;17;19

Dr. Mona

And I am the default parent like I do. Like you said, the doctor’s visits. I’m the one who knows where everything is in the house. I’m the one who knows where that we need more Band-Aids, or that we need more toilet paper. All the stuff that adds to like, oh, Mona, where this thing in the house. And so it definitely adds to it.

 

00;05;17;21 – 00;05;23;26

Dr. Mona

Do you feel like in your relationship, if you’re comfortable sharing that you have found to be the default parent, or how has it been?

 

00;05;23;28 – 00;05;45;06

Erica Djossa

Oh, yeah. So that’s definitely how it started. And when I talk in the book about my my breakdown turned breakthrough, my like realization of postpartum depression slash rage, I was like having a total meltdown after getting pulled over by the police on the morning that was going totally crappy and I was like, hyperventilating in my driveway at home.

 

00;05;45;06 – 00;06;07;24

Erica Djossa

The kids were in the car and I’m like, throwing up in the driveway, just not okay. And in that moment, like upon receiving help and kind of shattering this expectation that I can be perfect in any sense, like I really started to unpack and examine what were the things that were contributing to how I was feeling. And it really kind of like tore a veil for me to start to unpack.

 

00;06;07;26 – 00;06;23;22

Erica Djossa

You know, I can’t carry it all. I can’t be into it all. This is clearly having an impact on me. So I went full force into motherhood. Like I’m going to take on all these things, I’m going to own them and I’m going to do them perfectly, and I’m going to prove to myself and to everybody else that I can do this, and I can do this well.

 

00;06;23;25 – 00;06;41;29

Erica Djossa

But I was going in a million different directions. I was trying to live up to the expectations of others, and these weren’t really things that I had examined about whether they were anchored in my values are important to me. So I was doing all the things initially drop off pickup, nighttime weekends, feedings, protecting my partner’s time because he had to work.

 

00;06;41;29 – 00;07;04;10

Erica Djossa

So I was the one, you know, dealing with sleep disturbances, all of these things. And then I started on this journey of unpacking these dynamics and what was going on. And now fast forward to having done the work, the journey we are. My youngest is five and my oldest is about to turn nine, and he is the main contact for school and all the doctor’s offices.

 

00;07;04;11 – 00;07;23;13

Erica Djossa

The school doesn’t even know who I am. I walk in and they’re like, who is your child? And they wave to him and they know him by name and he does all the meals, and he is the default for or takes ownership over so many of the things that I wouldn’t have even contemplated giving him ownership over before.

 

00;07;23;18 – 00;07;44;11

Erica Djossa

So it definitely started there. And part of this book is the journey and the skills and the tools that we used, even in our relationship, to really shift that to a more equal partnership. And I would say, were there if not tilted his way a little bit more than my way because of just the demands on our schedules and things.

 

00;07;44;13 – 00;08;00;25

Erica Djossa

So it is something that takes time to adjust. And I had to unlearn a lot about what I thought a good mom meant versus what it really, truly means to me and tap into my values. But we are in an entirely different place from where we started.

 

00;08;00;27 – 00;08;17;13

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love hearing that. And I think that evolution is so healthy and we experience the same thing in that with one child it was default parent was more so me. And then when you add a second child into the mix, it’s just not sustainable. And so that male partner or that other partner may have to take on more of that role, like you said.

 

00;08;17;21 – 00;08;38;06

Dr. Mona

And you know, you already kind of alluded to a little bit of why, you know, motherhood seems to change right now or why moms are struggling, but has it changed from past generations, and why do you think our generation of mothers may be struggling a little bit more? Is it that inability to let go of the control or the desires of what they want, not knowing their expectations or you know what they need?

 

00;08;38;06 – 00;08;39;10

Dr. Mona

Or what do you think it is?

 

00;08;39;13 – 00;09;07;27

Erica Djossa

Yeah. Well, in 1950, only 25% of mothers worked outside of the home, 25% the vast majority of mothers, it was their full time job to care, give in, to keep house like that was their full time job and responsibility. And even then, it’s more than a full time. It’s like two full time jobs. And like all the stay at home moms out there are freaking, you know, unicorns because like, it’s it’s so relentless day in and day out to now.

 

00;09;07;27 – 00;09;42;23

Erica Djossa

Fast forward, 86% of mothers are working inside of the home. And when we haven’t adjusted the expectations of moms to carry all the care work, the unpaid care work, and the unpaid domestic labor, but also we’re going to work full time and have disinherited another full time role. It is entirely unrealistic to expect of one person, but we look around and everyone’s just kind of drowning in plain sight, and nobody, like everyone, seems to be doing it all and keeping up with it all that we’re like, it must just be me who’s struggling with this.

 

00;09;42;23 – 00;10;05;21

Erica Djossa

And then we start to like, kind of gaslight ourselves because it’s not any one task. That in itself is difficult. The calling of making a dentist appointment is not hard in itself. But when there’s a million tiny little things like that, they add up and they create so much weight. It’s like death by a thousand tiny paper cuts, you know, like it’s just it weighs on you over time.

 

00;10;05;23 – 00;10;26;15

Erica Djossa

And so this expectation that we should embody this more traditional form of motherhood that had the full time focus on the home while also trying to have a two income earning house, because that’s often what’s required of us now. It’s just unrealistic. I have to reevaluate what we want for us and for our family.

 

00;10;26;17 – 00;10;43;02

Dr. Mona

Oh yes, I love what you mentioned about that added load, right? The one thing is not the issue. It’s that added layers of now I have to do this and you know how I describe it. I know this overlaps what with mental load is when you’re focusing on something and then all of a sudden you’re just getting pulled right, like you’re, you’re a mommy, where’s this toy?

 

00;10;43;02 – 00;10;59;10

Dr. Mona

You’re the one who knows. Like for our house, I’m the one who knows where everything is. And it sounds small, but when you’re doing something and everyone’s asking you, including your partner. Hey, have you seen my surgical cap? Have you seen. You know, Ryan’s asking me where is. I’m like, yo, everyone needs to control their own thing right now.

 

00;10;59;10 – 00;11;15;18

Dr. Mona

Like, I have my own stuff that I’m trying to look for and and keep together. So it is there’s, you know, little things that add on. And so I completely agree with that. So how can moms and their partners work together to share the mental load and challenge these assumptions as well.

 

00;11;15;20 – 00;11;43;21

Erica Djossa

Yeah. In the book we talk about a concept called intensive mothering. And this is really the construct of motherhood that we are living in right now. Different cultures and different sort of times and eras have different expectations of what motherhood should look like. And for us, it’s intensive mothering. Intensive mothering comes with a few core beliefs, one that moms should be and our best suited biologically to be the primary caregiver of their child.

 

00;11;43;23 – 00;12;07;25

Erica Djossa

That child raising and rearing should be all consuming. It should take all of our time, energy, and resources in order for us to be good at it, that we should be wholly and entirely fulfilled by our role, and not longing for or desire anything outside of motherhood. And this is a lot of the prevalent messaging in today’s society about what it means to be a good mom.

 

00;12;07;27 – 00;12;34;08

Erica Djossa

And so if we believe that we are the best biologically suited to whether it’s soothe or to show up when they’ve hurt their little tooth or put their tooth or lip at school or something, and I have to be the one to sue them because they’re not going to get that same care from our partner, then we are literally trapped in carrying all of the pieces because it has to be us.

 

00;12;34;10 – 00;12;57;17

Erica Djossa

And I am it in the book where it’s just not biologically rooted that any of these tasks are gendered. Like, yes, feeding. I exclusively breastfed all three of my boys. Feeding sat with me. But all of this stuff around feeding my husband would go get the baby, bring him into me in the bed, allow him to feed, would take him out, burp him, change him, put him down through them so it didn’t entirely fall on me.

 

00;12;57;17 – 00;13;20;16

Erica Djossa

He owned all of the other pieces that couldn’t be owned, like, you know. Yeah, because he didn’t have milk. So there are ways, once we start to break out of the fact that it has to be me, there are ways that we can creatively problem solve to shift these loads. But if we are running under the assumption that I’m best biologically suited, it should be me.

 

00;13;20;16 – 00;13;49;17

Erica Djossa

It must be me. Then we shut down any problem solving or conversations with our partner because it’s like done, end of story. It’s mine to carry, right? So shifting that belief and that perspective just opens up a curious conversation of, okay, what has to be me? What can be you, what can be shared? And in the book, I have what I call load maps, where it breaks out the invisible labor.

 

00;13;49;19 – 00;14;11;10

Erica Djossa

So Invisible Labor is anticipating, researching, planning, and then managing the ongoing management of systems and things after they’ve been put in place. And it’s hard for us often to articulate what these things are because they feel abstract and they feel tiny in their individual pieces. But when you put them down on paper, you can see that it’s actually a lot of work.

 

00;14;11;10 – 00;14;29;11

Erica Djossa

Who can take on what, who can own what? Is it going to be flexible? Is it going to go back and forth all of those pieces? But first we have to accept that it’s not just us that has to carry it, and then to make what is invisible visible so that we can tangibly sort it and come up with a plan.

 

00;14;29;17 – 00;14;34;28

Erica Djossa

Oh, I love that.

 

00;14;35;00 – 00;14;56;10

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had a moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the Peds Doc Talk podcast.

 

00;14;56;17 – 00;15;12;01

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDoctalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.