Parenting styles are everywhere on social media—gentle, attachment, positive, even FAFO (that’s “f around and find out”) parenting. But what does the research actually say about these labels? And is there really one “right” way to raise kids?

In this follow-up episode, Dr. Mona revisits her conversation with clinical psychologist and Parenting Translator, Dr. Cara Goodwin. Together, they unpack what science tells us about parenting styles, where trendy terms fall short, and why connection plus boundaries is what really matters.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

• Why “gentle parenting” isn’t well-defined in research

• The three parenting styles psychologists actually study—and which one predicts the best outcomes

• Why mixing and matching strategies is often the healthiest approach

• The problem with rigidly sticking to one style (especially with spirited or neurodivergent kids)

• Tools like timeouts, rewards, and praise—why research shows they can be helpful, not harmful

• What behaviors are never okay, no matter your style (think spanking, threats, or shaming)

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00;00;00;05 – 00;00;20;28

Dr. Mona

Hey, it’s Doctor Mona and welcome back to the follow up. Where we revisit old favorite episodes in less time than it takes for a parenting style debate to break out on Instagram. I wanted to air this one out after my recent popular newsletter, and post about FAFO parenting, because it’s all connected. FAFO is f around and find out.

 

00;00;20;28 – 00;00;48;01

Dr. Mona

Parenting in case you didn’t know. But labels like gentle attachment, FAFO positive parenting. They’re everywhere. But at the end of the day, the research is clear. What matters most is connection and boundaries. Authoritative parenting, not the catchphrase. And while I didn’t specifically chat with Doctor Cara Goodwin, aka parenting translator on social media about FAFO when we recorded this episode, we did have an evidence based conversation about parenting styles in general.

 

00;00;48;08 – 00;01;08;14

Dr. Mona

She’s a clinical psychologist and mom who translates the research into real talk parents can use. In this episode, we dig into what we know about parenting styles and what we don’t. What the research actually says about gentle parenting and what’s never okay, no matter which style you choose. Make sure to subscribe to the show and download your favorite episodes, because that is what helps the show grow.

 

00;01;08;16 – 00;01;21;11

Dr. Mona

And if you learned something here, share the episode and tag us at Parenting Translator, at Peds Doc Talk and at the PedsDocTalk podcast. Let’s get into it.

 

00;01;21;13 – 00;01;47;12

Dr. Mona

So there are a lot of titles for parenting styles. There’s gentle parenting, and I’m putting this in quotes because there’s so many of them, right? Gentle parenting, attachment parenting, positive parenting. And I mean, I recently heard of something called elephant parenting. There’s just so many parenting styles out there from your understanding and of the research especially, is there a preferred parenting style based on the research that we have?

 

00;01;47;15 – 00;02;09;22

Dr. Cara Goodwin

Yeah. So it was really interesting as a child psychologist because I was a child psychologist first, and then I kind of dumped the parenting social media world. And I saw these terms out there, like gentle parenting, attachment parenting. You know, like you said, elephant parenting. And I was kind of shocked because, you know, as psychologists and as researchers, we don’t really use these terms.

 

00;02;09;25 – 00;02;36;17

Dr. Cara Goodwin

And so these terms, you know, even a very common one that you see on social media, which seems well defined, gentle parenting is actually not well defined in the research and has not been studied. So the the terms that we use as psychologists and researchers actually aren’t as sexy as these terms. Definitely. Yeah. So the terms we use for parenting styles are authoritarian, which means lots of rules and limits, but not a lot of warmth.

 

00;02;36;20 – 00;03;04;09

Dr. Cara Goodwin

Authoritative, which means rules and limits, but also a lot of warmth at the same time. And permissive parenting, which means no rules and limits, but a lot of warmth. And so basically, it’s a balance between authoritative parenting is a balance between having rules and limits, but also having a lot of warmth and love as a parent. And that type of parenting where you’re balancing those two is really associated with the best outcome.

 

00;03;04;09 – 00;03;44;02

Dr. Cara Goodwin

So better parent child relationship, better child behavior, even following children up into adulthood, you know, better well-being as adults, being more independent, you know, socially, emotionally capable adults. So authoritative parenting is what’s linked with the best outcomes. But it’s a little different from the gentle parenting that I see on social media. So gentle parenting as it’s defined on social media involves no consequences, no use of consequences that aren’t natural, no use of timeout, no use of reward, very limited use of praise.

 

00;03;44;04 – 00;04;10;23

Dr. Cara Goodwin

Yeah, but a lot of these behavioral strategies are what the research has found to be most effective at improving child behavior and also at improving the parent child relationship. So we have no evidence that gentle parenting on its own, without the consequences, without the use of reward systems, without the use of timeout, actually is able to improve behavior.

 

00;04;10;23 – 00;04;17;13

Dr. Cara Goodwin

So when I say we have no evidence for that, it doesn’t mean that gentle parenting won’t work for your child’s.

 

00;04;17;20 – 00;04;18;02

Dr. Mona

And I think.

 

00;04;18;02 – 00;04;42;14

Dr. Cara Goodwin

If gentle parenting is working for your child. The tenets of gentle parenting are the basis of every parenting program out there. You know, building the child parent child relationship is so important, and that is how every parenting program starts. Is these gentle parenting techniques focusing on building the relationship. And then after you’ve worked on the relationship, then you bring in consequences and these other tools.

 

00;04;42;14 – 00;04;59;16

Dr. Cara Goodwin

But we have no evidence that without those tools, you can effectively improve behavior. But if it does work for your child, that’s amazing, and you should keep doing it. And you shouldn’t worry about the research. But just knowing that if, you know, I think this is important for parents to know, if you feel like you do need.

 

00;04;59;16 – 00;05;00;25

Dr. Mona

To use.

 

00;05;00;27 – 00;05;19;04

Dr. Cara Goodwin

Some other tools, whether it’s reward systems, whether it’s timeouts, whether it’s, you know, some logical consequences for your child, that we have no evidence that those are harmful. And we have evidence that they can be very effective at improving behavior. So I just don’t want parents to feel any shame. Yeah. Incorporate those strategies.

 

00;05;19;06 – 00;05;37;16

Dr. Mona

Oh 100%. And like you care like I obviously new parenting. I’ve been discussing parenting for years before coming on social. Right. And then I came on social media in 2019. At that time, I was sticking more to health. But parenting has always been my most favorite thing to talk about, even in visits. But I was doing more health stuff.

 

00;05;37;16 – 00;05;59;18

Dr. Mona

I have a little bit of parenting dabbling into that, and over the last two years I really started to educate more on parenting strategies and things like that. And like you, I was like, wow. I was like, how everyone’s talking about this quote unquote gentle parenting. And that’s not something we learned about when you think about parenting styles and just thinking about setting limits and boundaries and consequences, like you mentioned.

 

00;05;59;21 – 00;06;30;18

Dr. Mona

And as I learn more about it, like you said perfectly, I think it’s wonderful if someone likes the style, feels like it’s working for their child, but then what happens? And what I’ve seen so much of is it’s also thinking about attachment parenting, right? Thinking about all the different labels that we put on a certain style. When you start to not want to stick to that style and want to deviate like you said, Jesse, you are doing more of a, you know, co regulation situation with your child and gentle parenting, which by the way, I do a lot of that’s what we do in our family.

 

00;06;30;20 – 00;06;52;23

Dr. Mona

But what if it’s not working. What if you’re like, I could really use another alternative. What if potty training is not working in a gentle parenting style and rewards may work for your child? Our son, we potty train him with an Eminem and I have no regrets about it. You learn how to water train, you love those Eminem’s and we phase them out and you know so much.

 

00;06;52;25 – 00;07;20;03

Dr. Mona

What I get concerned about with gentle parenting and other labels is that, oh, you can’t use rewards, you can’t do this. But what if it’s a good option for that child? Like, it doesn’t mean it’s the only option. But I feel like when we get into these styles, it can really shut you off. Or maybe another option that could benefit your child and what you said is okay in the research, like using a reward system, occasionally praising occasionally, you know, obviously we know those things to be beneficial for children.

 

00;07;20;05 – 00;07;40;24

Dr. Cara Goodwin

Yes, definitely. And I think it’s so important, I always say to parents that, you know, these different parenting styles that are out there, attachment parenting, gentle parenting, whatever it is, these are not religions. You know, you don’t have to choose one and believe in every tenet of that parenting style. You know, personally, I take some from attachment parenting.

 

00;07;40;24 – 00;07;46;16

Dr. Cara Goodwin

I take some from gentle parenting. I take some from old school parenting, for lack of a better term.

 

00;07;46;22 – 00;07;47;14

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;07;47;17 – 00;08;11;21

Dr. Cara Goodwin

You know, it’s you have to kind of take the different strategies and find what works for your child. And there are parts of each of these parenting styles that are backed by research, and there are parts that we don’t have research for. So I think it’s very important for parents to know that a lot of these parenting styles that you see out there, you know, there are some beneficial parts to them.

 

00;08;11;21 – 00;08;34;05

Dr. Cara Goodwin

And if it works for your family, like that’s great, you should run with it. But if there are parts that don’t seem to be working, then you shouldn’t feel like you failed as a parent or you know, you can’t call yourself a gentle parent or an antacid anymore, that you are just finding the strategies and being responsive and sensitive to your child’s needs and your family’s needs.

 

00;08;34;07 – 00;08;58;08

Dr. Mona

I love it. Yes. And like you said, like I even though I may not say that I’m a gentle parenting account, obviously, like you mentioned, there are so many components of gentle parenting, attachment parenting, positive parenting that I incorporate, and that guilt and that shame is what I am also trying to protect my listeners from and my platform from what you’re doing too, is that we’re not going to lead you astray and let you do anything with your child that is truly harmful, like we do.

 

00;08;58;08 – 00;09;21;13

Dr. Mona

Know that obviously corporal punishment like slapping, hitting. I think every parenting account should be saying that that’s not okay. Threats like incessant threats, like, you know, you don’t do this and I’m going to do this. Like, that is obviously not something that I love. Incessant yelling. We all know that we’re going to yell like it’s a human nature thing, but if it’s constant yelling in your home, we also know that that’s not ideal.

 

00;09;21;15 – 00;09;34;25

Dr. Mona

Is there anything else that you would say from the research you can add on to what I just mentioned, but anything else in the research that we know, that is probably something that we should stay away from, regardless of what parenting style you choose or a parenting philosophy you align with.

 

00;09;34;27 – 00;10;06;06

Dr. Cara Goodwin

Yeah. So definitely what you mentioned spanking, other sorts of physical punishment, yelling, threat. Something else is what in research we call psychological control, which is like seeing and shaming children and debating that something like telling kids they’re bad or saying that, you know, because you did this, you caused all sorts of problems internally, but any sort of thing that where you’re putting shame onto your child, making them think that they are quote unquote, a bad kid.

 

00;10;06;08 – 00;10;32;14

Dr. Cara Goodwin

I think anything that’s overly controlling. So research really finds support for what’s called autonomy, supportive parenting. So allowing your children to have choices that are developmentally appropriate, like choosing what color socks you put on in the morning for a toddler. And as children get older, you give them more and more choices in their life, and you allow them to make mistakes and even fail based on their own choices.

 

00;10;32;14 – 00;10;57;14

Dr. Cara Goodwin

So being overly controlling with your children, you know, making all decisions for them, telling them what they have to do, you know, especially as children get older, can have a lot of negative consequences. I also think it’s important to remember that some of these tools I mentioned, like timeout and reward systems and logical consequences, can help to avoid using some of these things that we know are harmful.

 

00;10;57;17 – 00;11;15;07

Dr. Cara Goodwin

I know for me, in my house, sibling aggression is a big trigger for me personally. As a mother, you know, it doesn’t matter. It was my other child who did it. Somebody just hurt my baby. You know? My dad’s crying. There’s a huge bonk on his head like my momma bear instincts are going to turn on, and I’m going to be angry.

 

00;11;15;09 – 00;11;41;19

Dr. Cara Goodwin

And I know that about myself. So we do timeout for sibling aggression. There’s nothing punitive about it, you know, I say calmly, you hit your brother. Timeout. Yeah. It gives me a chance to cool myself down and to also comfort the child who was hurt and then I can actually handle the situation in an effective way. You know, I think if I wasn’t doing timeout, I think it would be very easy for me to start screaming at the child.

 

00;11;41;19 – 00;12;04;12

Dr. Cara Goodwin

And, you know, and I know that’s not an effective technique. So I think when we have no evidence that something like timeout is harmful and you feel like it could help you to avoid some of these things that we know are harmful, that it’s very important to be like, okay, I’m going to use that technique because that’s what makes sense for my family.

 

00;12;04;15 – 00;12;29;02

Dr. Mona

Well, you bring up another great point because you’re talking about having multiple children in the household, right? So just so you had that one child, you could have easily done a more sort of, let’s say, gentle parenting style. Where are you going to sit with them, regulate all of that stuff. But when you have another child, like you said, your mama bear instinct with hitting and all of that, having tools in your tool belt, and especially what we’re talking about here, like what are my other strategies besides that?

 

00;12;29;02 – 00;12;49;27

Dr. Mona

When I’m having to attend to multiple children or when I’m feeling dysregulated myself, it’s so important that we have those options. And that’s why I really gravitate towards parenting accounts and accounts in general, like yourself, who are talking about not vilifying rewards or praise or, you know, time outs and teaching people, okay, here’s how we’re going to do it.

 

00;12;49;27 – 00;13;09;26

Dr. Mona

Here is obviously why it’s okay, because a parent listening to this may be like, I would never do that, ever. But then they find themselves in a situation where like, maybe I will do that. Maybe it actually will benefit this child in this situation or the temperament of the child. One thing I have a really hard time with is a lot of the gentle parenting strategies.

 

00;13;09;26 – 00;13;27;24

Dr. Mona

If we’re going to talk about gentle parenting a little more, they don’t take into account a lot of my patients who have ADHD. I’m going to be honest, a lot of children who have ADHD may not. They may, but they may not respond to the more gentle parenting tactics. They may need more of a timeout like you just said perfectly.

 

00;13;27;27 – 00;13;48;12

Dr. Mona

Hey, you did this timeout right? Versus we’re not doing threats, we’re not doing yelling. And that’s why I think this is so important, because it does go down to every child is unique in their temperament and parenting tools. And what would you say would be a pitfall of maybe we’ve already discussed it, but a pitfall of aligning too hard with one parenting style.

 

00;13;48;12 – 00;13;51;29

Dr. Mona

Like is there some things that you see even as a child psychologist?

 

00;13;52;01 – 00;14;15;06

Dr. Cara Goodwin

Yeah, I think like you said, I think that aligning too hard with one style is not really being responsive and sensitive to the individual child that you have. And I find in my practice that gentle parenting in particular seems to be the most challenging for parents with neurodivergent kids, or even with kids who are more spirited in temperament.

 

00;14;15;09 – 00;14;38;17

Dr. Cara Goodwin

I personally have three very spirited kids and some I you know, I do use emotional validation and co regulation. A lot of these techniques, and I think they are important. But I think there are times when I need to use logical consequences. And when I need to use rewards that I think based on my individual children that those strategies are most effective.

 

00;14;38;17 – 00;15;07;21

Dr. Cara Goodwin

And I think when you align to strongly with one parenting style, it’s very easy to feel like there’s something wrong with you or there’s something wrong with your child when it’s not working. And I think it’s very important for parents to know, like, every family is different, every child is different. If these parenting styles aren’t working for you, aren’t working for your child, it does not in any way mean there’s anything wrong with you as a parent or with your child.

 

00;15;07;23 – 00;15;24;21

Dr. Cara Goodwin

It just means maybe it’s time to try something new and to see it as a kind of trial and error experimentation, rather than, if this doesn’t work, then I have no option.

 

00;15;24;23 – 00;15;46;02

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real, relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;15;46;10 – 00;16;01;24

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDoctalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.