No one prepares you for how much your relationship changes after having a baby. The exhaustion, hormones, mental load, and body changes all take a toll on desire and closeness, and it’s rarely talked about honestly.

In this Follow Up episode, Dr. Mona talks with Dr. Tracy Dalgleish about what really happens to intimacy after baby. They unpack why desire often dips postpartum, how to reconnect emotionally and physically, and why great sex isn’t about frequency. It’s about connection, communication, and redefining what intimacy looks like now.

This episode is for any parent who’s ever thought something’s changed between us and I don’t know how to fix it. You’re not broken, you’re human, and this conversation will help you find your way back to each other.

• Why desire often drops after childbirth and how to understand it without shame

• How hormones, sleep, and stress affect intimacy

• The difference between spontaneous and responsive desire

• How to start rebuilding emotional connection in 10 minutes a day

• The role of small rituals like check-ins, laughter, and simple touch in rekindling closeness

• Why there’s no normal amount of sex, only what feels right for you and your partner

• Ways to talk openly about what you both want and need

Dr. Tracy’s new book, “You, Your Husband, and His Mother” comes out November 4th. ⁠Order your copy here⁠.

Want more? Check out the ⁠full episode⁠.

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and⁠ ⁠subscribe to PedsDocTalk⁠⁠.

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;25;09

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast and the follow up. I’m Doctor Mona, your pediatrician and mom friend online, and on the follow up, we revisit favorite episodes in less time than it takes your in-laws to offer unsolicited parenting advice. Let’s talk about something that no one really prepares you for intimacy after having a baby. It’s one of the biggest relationship shifts new parents face and one of the least talked about.

 

00;00;25;11 – 00;00;48;10

Dr. Mona

Everyone tells you when you can have sex again at that six week mark, but no one talks about wanting to. No one talks about the resentment that creeps in when you feel touched out, or the disconnect when you and your partner can’t seem to get back on the same page emotionally or physically. This week I’m joined by Doctor Tracy Dalglish, a couples therapist and author who helps parents rebuild connection after kids.

 

00;00;48;12 – 00;01;14;13

Dr. Mona

We’re breaking down why desire often disappears after childbirth and how to find it again. The pressure society puts on parents to bounce back sexually. How small? Meaningful moments, playful touch, shared laughter, emotional awareness and honesty matter far more than a calendar of scheduled sex and perfect timing. Because Doctor Tracy’s new book, you, Your Husband and His mother, comes out November 4th.

 

00;01;14;14 – 00;01;35;06

Dr. Mona

It’s a must read for anyone navigating that tricky in-law dynamic because, let’s face it, you don’t just marry your partner, you marry their family too. This episode is for every parent who’s ever thought something’s changed between us. And I don’t know how to fix it because you’re not broken. You’re human. And this conversation might just help you reconnect in ways that last.

 

00;01;35;08 – 00;01;52;21

Dr. Mona

Download this episode. Tag at the Stock Talk podcast app. Stock talk and at Doctor Tricity. And let’s talk about what intimacy really looks like after baby emotionally, physically and everything in between.

 

00;01;52;23 – 00;02;13;19

Dr. Mona

You’re speaking about things that I think so many people experience and yet are not talked about. All this, you know, in terms of the inability to sort of reconnect and again, why, why is it happening so much after a child? I mean, obviously, I think we both know from personal experience, but what are some things that you see like the obviously the schedule, the hormones, all of it.

 

00;02;13;20 – 00;02;18;18

Dr. Mona

What is it that causes that sort of inability to kind of re re tap into each other?

 

00;02;18;24 – 00;02;40;23

Tracy Dalgleish

Yeah. I mean, we can look at those key factors for the loss of desire, which is hormones breastfeeding. We can look at traumatic birth experience, mental health challenges. We can look at sleep deprivation and think of sex as a higher order experience. And I almost want to caveat that in the sense of self stimulation to orgasm is a form of stress relief, right?

 

00;02;40;23 – 00;02;59;00

Tracy Dalgleish

So that might be something that you enjoy doing on your own. But sex involves you having those basic needs met. And so if you are nursing on demand and you are around the clock and you’re not sleeping and you’re barely getting something to eat. Sex is the last thing on your to do list so that we can look at the loss of desire pieces around that.

 

00;02;59;07 – 00;03;24;02

Tracy Dalgleish

But I think even relationally, if we haven’t prepared our relationship for this dramatic shift that happens, which is you’re no longer just giving energy whenever you feel like it to each other, you are caring for a dependent being. You probably don’t have time to come back to those hard conversations that you once did. So now more conversations and hurts and missed moments are swept under the rug.

 

00;03;24;05 – 00;03;35;15

Tracy Dalgleish

And then we tie into all of our implicit beliefs and messaging around sex and intimacy. And that alone is what then keeps partners apart.

 

00;03;35;17 – 00;03;54;22

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I think, you know, whenever I see polls on Instagram, like whether, you know, your account or other accounts talking about how often are you intimate, like, you know, obvious these are anonymous polls. And I think the numbers are always surprising because I think people have an expectation that everyone’s having sex all the time, every day, like it’s but not always right.

 

00;03;54;22 – 00;04;17;17

Dr. Mona

And again, it could be different. A couple, a couple. There’s different situations here. And so again normalizing that there is a range. And also what me and my husband also talked about was normalizing that there’s a range of what we may want. Meaning another couple may need to have sexual intercourse or sexual activity multiple times a week. But for us, what is it that makes us happy versus there’s no standard?

 

00;04;17;18 – 00;04;42;04

Dr. Mona

I think, you know, people tend to get into, well, what should it be? No, this is your relationship. Like what feels right for both of you. And that was that conversation we had in October. We were struggling. You know, you talked about the many various factors, you know, breastfeeding, mental health, birth trauma. We experienced two of those three, the mental health anxiety, depression, postpartum depression, as well as PTSD from a traumatic birth and birth trauma with both of our children.

 

00;04;42;07 – 00;05;00;19

Dr. Mona

So of course our brain is in survival mode. Sexual activity is not the first thing I want to I want to think about. I want to think about healing mentally. And also you think about all the wounds that a woman may have. I don’t want to. I don’t want anyone near those wounds because I was still physically healing right like that.

 

00;05;00;19 – 00;05;18;12

Dr. Mona

That acceptance of body, that again, being so vulnerable. I think so many women can relate to that change body experience that now my body’s changed as my partner. See, that is beautiful still and do I want to show that in the in dim lighting or in full lighting? Because I’m still struggling with that too.

 

00;05;18;18 – 00;05;41;10

Tracy Dalgleish

In this piece to where it’s 0 to 100. So you know, we’re not just going to return back to where you were before and also to you might not want to return to the sex that you were having before having a baby. Maybe that wasn’t great sex. So there’s a few things in there. So one is being able to redefine what sex actually looks like for both of you, and to make it fun and pleasurable.

 

00;05;41;16 – 00;06;04;15

Tracy Dalgleish

We have sex for all kinds of different reasons. We have it for just a pure release. So sex for just a release. We have it to for the erotic. We have it for playfulness. We have it for connection. And sometimes partners will just have sex just to purely have sex. And it’s just a real, a physiological release. Other times it is to be intimate, other times there is more playfulness.

 

00;06;04;15 – 00;06;38;03

Tracy Dalgleish

So I think that’s such an important piece to consider. But then there was something else in there that you had said this, understanding our bodies. And you might not want to be touched in certain parts. And then also, are you being playful with each other and rediscovering your bodies? What often happens in my office, working with couples is I say, tell me what it looks like when you have sex and they go through a regimented well, we kiss for a minute and then we do a little bit of this, and then we do a bit of that, and then there’s intercourse and it’s done in ten minutes.

 

00;06;38;03 – 00;07;02;09

Tracy Dalgleish

Right. So it’s like. And do you enjoy that? Is it fun? Is it playful? Is it pleasurable? And many people will say no. And so if you’re having frequent sex, if you’re having sex three times a week and it’s not good, are you having great sex just because it’s frequent? No. Where many people will report having great sex infrequently.

 

00;07;02;09 – 00;07;17;17

Tracy Dalgleish

So if it’s once a month, once every two months, once every six months, depending on what’s going on in your life. But if it’s experienced as meaningful and connected and pleasurable, then that is such a different way of defining sex.

 

00;07;17;20 – 00;07;35;02

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I love the way you said that, because a definition could look different for everyone. Yeah, and the way you lay that out in terms of what is the intent and that intent can change, like from day to day, it’s like, no, I need that release for now. Today, I just want that connection. And it’s part of what you said and bringing you back to what you said earlier already about.

 

00;07;35;07 – 00;07;57;25

Dr. Mona

For some it’s emotional connection, for some it’s physical. And that also can ebb and flow depending on the day, the week, and the person. So I really appreciate that. And so what would be some important steps to regain intimacy? I’m sure there’s so much to think about, but where can people start if they feel like, you know, I’m really wanting to get back to this point and figure out what our new normal is after having kids.

 

00;07;58;02 – 00;08;18;23

Tracy Dalgleish

Yeah, I even come back to something. So basic as where are you connecting throughout the day? So we know that parents of young children spend less than 30 minutes a week having deep, meaningful conversation and a lot of that is around the transactional stuff. Are you changing the bum? Who’s got the splash pants, who’s making lunch and doing drop off all of those pieces?

 

00;08;18;23 – 00;08;39;13

Tracy Dalgleish

And so being able to find ten minutes a day and we all have ten minutes. So I know a lot of people will say, I don’t have any time. You don’t have time for those big date nights that you used to have. But we all have ten minutes and that is putting your devices away, sitting on the couch and asking each other questions like, what was the hardest part of your day to day?

 

00;08;39;13 – 00;09;02;28

Tracy Dalgleish

Was there a moment where you wish that I was here? What are you grateful for about our relationship? And that is the building of emotional intimacy that is often lost when you are looking after someone who requires you to be there, right? So really, considering the some of those small things of connection, and then the other piece to that I tell a lot of couples is to look at your rituals of connection.

 

00;09;03;00 – 00;09;29;26

Tracy Dalgleish

We all have them. You built them, especially in those early days of your relationship. You might send a good morning text. You might snuggle in the morning for a few minutes. You might greet each other at the door or pour each other’s coffee. Those are ways of building physical connection, but also that sort of that crossing of that bridge point, or rather a tree bridge has called the growing of your tree branches each day that says, hey, I’m so glad you’re in this with me.

 

00;09;29;29 – 00;10;04;01

Tracy Dalgleish

We’re connected. So that, I think, is the time together, emotional connection and physical connection. But then also too, I think people really need to start understanding what does desire look like for them. So something I talk a lot about my communities is looking at responsive desire and spontaneous desire. And so spontaneous desire often starts in our brain. And I’ve noticed that for many of the women I work with, that might be a 10 a.m. moment of, oh, I remember this one time that we or it’s this or thought that creates arousal in our bodies.

 

00;10;04;05 – 00;10;22;06

Tracy Dalgleish

It’s 10 a.m., you know, maybe your baby’s about to wake up. Maybe you’re reading the romance novel, right? But your partner’s at work, you’re at home and you’re like, well, okay, I can’t do anything about it. And then by 7 p.m., both kids are in bed. All of the dishes are there waiting for you. Are you feeling a sense of desire?

 

00;10;22;10 – 00;10;44;17

Tracy Dalgleish

Likely not. So then what we need to also understand is some people have more responsive desire. And it’s you put two bodies side by side, you quiet your mind, you don’t think about the laundry that still isn’t done or the dishes you didn’t do, but you just put two bodies side by side, and you breathe and connect and touch each other’s bodies, and then your body.

 

00;10;44;19 – 00;11;01;28

Tracy Dalgleish

Well, then your body feels the arousal, and your mind comes online after. So I think even having that conversation with your partner of saying, yeah, you know, I do want to get there. There’s all of these things on my to do list, though, that then stop me from actually putting my body beside yours.

 

00;11;02;00 – 00;11;05;28

Dr. Mona

 

00;11;06;00 – 00;11;27;10

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk Podcast

 

00;11;27;17 – 00;11;42;29

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.