Motherhood can quietly shift the emotional balance in a partnership. In this conversation, we explore why resentment toward a partner is so common after having a baby and why it is not a personal failure, but a researched, predictable relationship stress point. The transition to parenthood often exposes invisible labor, unequal expectations, and emotional strain that many couples were never taught how to name, let alone fix.

We also talk about practical starting points for repairing connection. From making invisible labor visible, to changing how conflict is communicated, this episode focuses on teamwork, fairness, and ongoing conversations that prevent resentment from hardening into distance. The goal is not perfection or 50-50 equality, but shared understanding and intentional partnership.

What we discussed:

• Why resentment often grows after becoming parents

• The emotional and physical load many mothers carry

• Research showing relationship dissatisfaction in the first year postpartum

• How partnership dynamics affect postpartum mental health

• The concept of making invisible labor visible

• Dividing responsibilities in a way that feels agreed upon, not forced

• Why equality is not always 50-50, but fairness still matters

• Separating the partner from the problem

• Communicating needs without blame or accusation

• How suppressed resentment turns into bitterness

• The value of weekly relationship check-ins

• Addressing partners who resist conversations about workload

• Explaining impact instead of arguing details

• How shared labor improves emotional and physical intimacy

• Why connection is built through everyday support, not grand gestures

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00;00;00;00 – 00;00;23;10

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the follow up. Where we revisit a favorite episode of the PedsDocTalk podcast. In less time than it takes to argue about who forgot to unload the dishwasher. And since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, this one felt especially timely for you and your little love bug. If you have a partner you hopefully love, but lately you’re feeling irritated, distant, or quietly keeping score.

 

00;00;23;15 – 00;00;56;28

Dr. Mona

This is a really good follow up. On this episode, I’m joined by Doctor Ashurina Ream, a licensed clinical psychologist, mom, and founder of Psych Mommy. We talk about why resentment so often shows up after kids, how it builds when the mental load feels uneven, and how clear communication can stop that snowball before it takes over your relationship and your entire family dynamic and I’ll be honest, I felt resentment towards my husband at times too, and lately it has shown up when the mental load and day to day tasks start to feel heavier on my side.

 

00;00;57;00 – 00;01;19;20

Dr. Mona

What’s helped is naming it early and being very clear about what I need, instead of letting it simmer and fester. This conversation is about making the invisible visible and protecting your partnership not just for you, but for your kids and your relationship too. And if this resonates, download this episode the full episode. Subscribe to the show so you don’t miss future follow ups and tag.

 

00;01;19;26 – 00;01;32;12

Dr. Mona

At the PedsDocTalk Podcast, at PedsDocTalk, and at Psych mommy. If you would like to share this conversation, let’s get into it.

 

00;01;32;14 – 00;01;41;24

Dr. Mona

So what happens in motherhood that we can suddenly or even gradually develop resentment towards our partner that may not have been there beforehand?

 

00;01;41;27 – 00;02;05;07

Ashurina Ream

That’s a great question. When we enter parenthood and we are in a partnership most often where, you know, we’re just kind of cruising by, we have a child and this is a big major life transition. So like any major life transition, there is going to be this learning curve. There’s going to be a huge adjustment period. And what I find this is one of the biggest pieces outside of a mother’s own mood.

 

00;02;05;09 – 00;02;31;26

Ashurina Ream

This is one of the biggest complaints that all the parents that come walking through my door will talk about. And that’s because as mothers, we are experiencing so much change. And often we look at our partner and we say, wow, they are not having to go through this. Maybe my body has changed. I’m responsible for nurturing this child, or I am up at night looking into all of these things for my child’s development, or what kinds of carseat they need.

 

00;02;32;02 – 00;02;57;02

Ashurina Ream

I’m just doing so, like all of the things that we are doing and our lives are changing in a way that we feel like maybe our partners isn’t and we are doing more of this work. We’re sleep deprived, there’s financial strain. I mean, we both can experience as both partners and experiences. But what I’m saying is that most often I’m noticing that moms are reporting this and saying, hey, it just feels like things are not fair.

 

00;02;57;02 – 00;03;19;23

Ashurina Ream

And that’s kind of where it starts. I’m noticing this unfairness. I’m noticing that we are no longer, like, romantically connected. It feels like we’re just two ships floating through the night, passing through the night. And we I mean, it’s just a divvying up of tasks, but most often I see this showing up because it feels like things are unequal, they’re unfair.

 

00;03;19;23 – 00;03;44;26

Ashurina Ream

The labor is not distributed or divided appropriately. And we start to see that resentment grew. And this is not uncommon. I want to say this like this has been researched significantly. And if you follow Gottman researched adopters John and Julie Gottman. They have heavily researched partner relationships. And within that first year, bringing home a baby. What they have found is that more than 67% of couples report dissatisfaction in their relationship.

 

00;03;44;26 – 00;04;05;08

Ashurina Ream

So this is not something that I’m just, you know, we’re talking about, you know, like, oh, hey, you might you may or may not experiences this is showing up in research. And it’s really important to address because our partner relationships, our satisfaction with them, it’s one of the biggest non-biological predictors of postpartum depression. So it’s really important to be paying attention to our relationship dynamics.

 

00;04;05;09 – 00;04;10;17

Ashurina Ream

It’s not just something that should is like an afterthought. It is something that’s incredibly important.

 

00;04;10;19 – 00;04;27;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And from a parenting aspect, because I talk a lot about parenting, it absolutely can affect the parenting dynamics. So where do we even begin, I guess, to address these issues and maybe change these patterns so that we can feel more peace with our partner.

 

00;04;27;16 – 00;04;42;28

Ashurina Ream

I think one big thing is I always talk about we make the invisible visible we carry. I mean this month we are going to innately be concerned with so many things. And that’s not to say that like hey this is my duty as a mother. Let me do it and wear it as it was a badge of honor.

 

00;04;43;01 – 00;05;00;20

Ashurina Ream

We want to share that. We want to make the invisible visible. So we want to talk about all the things. So these are household tasks. We either write them down, make them visible, or, you know, if you want to verbally address us with your partner, go for it. But what I find success, and as I talk about these are all the things I’m having to do, or these are all of the household tasks.

 

00;05;00;20 – 00;05;21;11

Ashurina Ream

What do you feel comfortable taking on? What do I feel comfortable taking on? Because when we agree to do something, it feels more reasonable and it feels more fair. It’s not going to ever be equal. So that’s something that I do want to address. There’s not going to be this like we’re going to split things up 5050. That doesn’t usually happen just because logistics and because life and this is just part of the human experience.

 

00;05;21;13 – 00;05;37;13

Ashurina Ream

But if we can agree to something, it feels like, okay, I actually I had a part in this. I agreed to do this. You know, I felt like it was agreed upon. It was a decision I made. It wasn’t something that was just defaulted on to me that I am now like having to deal because of just circumstance and nature.

 

00;05;37;15 – 00;05;58;00

Ashurina Ream

So we want to make the invisible visible. We also want to discuss our expectations with our partner in a way that feels good for both of you. I also go back to this idea that our partner isn’t the problem. The problem is the problem. And this is also like in the context of a healthy partnership, where you feel like you’re respected and that the two of you have the same goals.

 

00;05;58;01 – 00;06;16;17

Ashurina Ream

You both want to remain together. There’s, you know, it’s a healthy dynamic. But in most cases, the problem is a problem. And we need to figure out what the problem is. Okay, I’m noticing we both work outside of the home, but I’m cooking all the meals, I’m cleaning all the like, then all the housework. And this also, according to research, more women are being responsible.

 

00;06;16;18 – 00;06;31;24

Ashurina Ream

Other shouldering all the household work even when they are working outside of home. So this is a real problem and we need to address that and say I don’t feel comfortable doing all the stuff. How can we divide this? That feels good for both of us, and we want to bring it up in a very respectful way. I talk about this in therapy.

 

00;06;31;24 – 00;06;47;06

Ashurina Ream

I’ve been talking about this in therapy for over a decade, but we want to bring up a problem how we’d like to receive it. I’m going to send a message how I’d like to receive it. In no circumstance do I ever feel good when someone comes to me and says, you never do this stuff, you suck at this.

 

00;06;47;07 – 00;07;09;22

Ashurina Ream

You know you are. You aren’t doing this. You’re not doing a good job at this in any circumstance. I can’t even think of one where I’d be like, oh, you know what? You’re right. You’re good. I should probably work off that. We want to send the message how we like to receive it. We want to communicate our feelings because when we don’t and we suppress this, a breeding ground for bitterness and resentment and resentment is erosive to that relationship dynamic.

 

00;07;09;29 – 00;07;31;00

Ashurina Ream

And it’ll turn into an eruption of sorts. And it’s just unhealthy to sustain. It’s not sustainable. So we want to talk about what our needs are in a respectful way and have ongoing dialog. Maybe you have like a weekly check in where you say, like, how are things feeling for you? How are you know, what’s on your plate that you feel like is unmanageable and vice versa?

 

00;07;31;03 – 00;07;41;29

Ashurina Ream

How do you feel about, you know, doing these chores or these tasks? And that’s just a start. That’s just like ground zero. I’m starting to untangle this resentment.

 

00;07;42;01 – 00;08;00;23

Dr. Mona

Oh, again, I think you, like you said it like snowballs the resentment if you don’t address it. And I love the two phrases that I love make them visible, visible. And also it’s not the person’s the problem at hand, especially when you know you want to continue with this marriage or partnership. How can someone communicate with a partner who may not understand?

 

00;08;00;23 – 00;08;18;17

Dr. Mona

I’m using the example. You know how you just talked about making a list, right? Which I think is a really great idea, like of making things visible, visible. And then that person says, why are you making things tit for tat? And I’m like, well, it’s not to forget. It’s visualization of what each person is putting into this relationship.

 

00;08;18;22 – 00;08;25;14

Dr. Mona

So how do you approach that partner who may not understand that this is an issue, or who may not want to kind of make things.

 

00;08;25;14 – 00;08;44;05

Ashurina Ream

Better, if you will? Yeah. So this is definitely not tit for tat. We think about there’s two different experiences we talk about like taking all the household tasks and divvying them up. That is like fair partnership obviously keeping like ledger of things that happen. That’s a very different experience. Like, you know, well, you said this and you did that.

 

00;08;44;05 – 00;09;06;09

Ashurina Ream

That’s like keeping a ledger of like the things that we do that are not ideal, they’re not desirable. I think when you talk about how this impacts our partnership, that’s what makes the needle move in the right direction. When we say, like, hey, I want to go through some of the responsibilities that we share in this household, and this would help me to feel just more balanced, our relationship and our partnership.

 

00;09;06;15 – 00;09;30;12

Ashurina Ream

It would make me feel like I’m hurt. I’m seen. I’m, you know, supported in a way that’s incredible. It makes me feel more connected to you. When we talk about what that does, when we talk about the outcomes, sometimes we can get that partner to see, okay, now I can recognize like why this is important. Obviously that’s a challenge because like you want everybody to know like this is important no matter if it has a positive effect on your partner or not.

 

00;09;30;12 – 00;09;46;07

Ashurina Ream

Like why wouldn’t I want to support our household? Like, what would you do without me? You know, that kind of thing. But I think bringing it up and saying, like, these are our household responsibilities. And when you don’t support me in this, I am noticing that bitterness. I am noticing that resentment towards you. And I don’t want to feel that way.

 

00;09;46;10 – 00;10;07;17

Ashurina Ream

I want to feel like we are a strong, you know, dynamic, a strong team. And when we do this stuff together, I feel closer to you. I feel more connected more, maybe even more. And I have more desire to be intimate because truly, I hear this really often. We talk about, foreplay. Foreplay does not start in the bedroom.

 

00;10;07;20 – 00;10;09;12

Dr. Mona

But cleaning up after yourself.

 

00;10;09;15 – 00;10;17;09

Ashurina Ream

It’s. Not saying is like dangling a cigaret, but this is like, she’ll have the dishes.

 

00;10;17;11 – 00;10;18;26

Dr. Mona

It is. Let’s see on it.

 

00;10;18;29 – 00;10;38;01

Ashurina Ream

Yes. Yeah. It’s like foreplay is all day. It’s all of the things. It’s a combination of things. So we want to talk about the impact that it has on the partnership. Like this is what happens when this is not shared fairly. That’s how I feel. And then when it is shared fairly best, how I feel. So that we can kind of really create that is making it visible like, oh, okay.

 

00;10;38;01 – 00;10;51;20

Ashurina Ream

I never would have thought of it that way because most often our partners don’t have that need or that desire. They don’t see things that way. So helping them understand can really move the needle.

 

00;10;51;22 – 00;11;13;04

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;11;13;11 – 00;11;28;23

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at Pedsdoctalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.