If you’ve ever felt guilty for not entertaining your child 24/7, this conversation is going to feel like a deep exhale.

In this episode, we tackle one of the biggest modern parenting misconceptions: that good parents are constant playmates. Somewhere along the way, many of us absorbed the idea that we need to be fully engaged, fully available, and fully entertaining at all times. But that shift has come at a cost, both for kids and for parents.

We talk about why independent play is not neglect. It is developmental gold. When children play alone or without adult direction, they are practicing creativity, problem-solving, emotional regulation, and flexibility. That kind of play is not second best. It is often the highest level of developmental work they can do.

We also explore the other side of the equation. When adults skip meals, chores, work, or rest to constantly entertain their child, stress builds. Resentment builds. Exhaustion builds. That is not healthy for anyone.

In this episode, we cover:

✔️ Why you are not required to play all day
✔️ The difference between connection and constant entertainment
✔️ Why some kids struggle more with independent play
✔️ How to break the entertain-me cycle
✔️ A practical step-by-step plan to build this skill
✔️ Why consistency matters more than intensity

Want more? Listen to the full, ⁠original episode⁠.

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and⁠ ⁠subscribe to PedsDocTalk⁠⁠.

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;25;06

Dr. Mona

Welcome to the follow up. I’m Doctor Mona, your pediatrician mom friend, and this is the series where we revisit a favorite episode on the PedsDocTalk podcast. In less time than it takes your child to say, hey, mom, watch this for the 47th time. Today, we’re rewinding to one of my most requested conversations because I get asked constantly, how do your kids play so well independently?

 

00;00;25;08 – 00;00;47;06

Dr. Mona

First, let’s normalize something. Kids are unique. Some come out ready to self entertain. Others act like their umbilical cord is still emotionally attached and both are normal and has a lot to do with temperament. But here’s the key independent play is not just personality, it’s a skill. And skills can be taught, maybe with different timelines. In this episode, I’m talking with Susie Allison.

 

00;00;47;06 – 00;01;09;07

Dr. Mona

You should know who she is. Maybe you know her as a busy toddler, former teacher, mom of three, and someone who has made it her mission to bring hands on play back to childhood without the stress. We talk about why it’s okay not to love playtime, why you don’t need to entertain your child all day, why some kids struggle with independent play at first, and how you can build independent play into your child’s life.

 

00;01;09;09 – 00;01;36;21

Dr. Mona

If this is something you’ve been wondering about, this episode is for you, but please make sure you download and listen to the full episode. Subscribe to the show and tag the stock talk podcast feed stock talk and at Busy Toddler when you share this episode on social media so we can get this information into the hands and ears of more parents, let’s get into this week’s follow up.

 

00;01;36;23 – 00;01;53;13

Dr. Mona

Starting off with these misconceptions so I know you share a lot of them on your social media. What would you say is one that you really want to talk about first? Something that you feel is is constantly either on social media or, you know, you were a teacher or even just in your social circle that you want to show off.

 

00;01;53;14 – 00;01;54;11

Dr. Mona

First off.

 

00;01;54;13 – 00;02;13;16

Susie Allison 

I think the big one I want to squash, first off is that you don’t need to play with your child all day long. There is this major misconception that’s happened within, and it’s evolved over the last 20 years in parenting that the role of parenting is to entertain the child, and that we are to be at the child’s every, you know, beck and call and at their every whim.

 

00;02;13;16 – 00;02;41;23

Susie Allison 

And if we’re not doing that, then we’re not doing a great job parenting. And that isn’t the case. And it actually is causing issues on both sides, on the parenting side and on the child side. On the child side, when children play without an adult, that is the best kind of play that a child can do. And so when you look at a child and you see that child either playing alone or with other children, but there isn’t an adult presence actively playing with them, those kids, that child is doing the most important work that they can be doing.

 

00;02;41;23 – 00;03;14;25

Susie Allison 

That is the highest level of developmental work that is the most their body can put in at this time, and they are doing everything that they absolutely need to be doing. And then on the flip side, when we look at adults and we see adults forgoing their lunch because they need to play with their child or skipping showers, or skipping their work or skipping chores around the house, and then this burden and this mountain and this pile of life ends up on their shoulders to accomplish after the child goes to bed with, then no time left for them to just sit down and decompress.

 

00;03;14;27 – 00;03;40;21

Susie Allison 

That’s also not healthy for the parent. So what I really want to work on with parents and caregivers today is this understand that we need to turn back the clock on play, and we need to look back at play. When we were children, and especially when our parents were children, what did play look like in those households? Was the parent actively sitting down, playing with the child all day long, or were they getting other things done, letting the children play, letting the children have their space?

 

00;03;40;24 – 00;03;56;04

Susie Allison 

And I think a sub misconception of this is then that the parent is never engaging and never connecting with the child. And that goes with this idea that play is the only way that we can engage with children, and play is the only way that we can build a relationship with a child. And that’s so far from the truth.

 

00;03;56;06 – 00;04;23;01

Susie Allison 

We can engage with our children and connect with them and show them our love over board games and puzzles and books and walks and talks and sitting on the floor and chit chatting and drawing a picture in a book. It is not exclusive to play. And when we instead invest all of our time in making sure our kids aren’t bored, that they’re entertained, that were present with them, you know, looking right at them and involved in their every bit of their lives.

 

00;04;23;04 – 00;04;30;13

Susie Allison 

That really takes away from their development as a person, and it takes away from our development as a person.

 

00;04;30;16 – 00;04;56;02

Dr. Mona

And I love when you talk about our childhood, because when I look at parenting and education and advice, I do think about things from an evolutionary perspective. And I also think about things from, also our childhood with before tech, before things got a little crazy. I think our generation of parenting has made things more stressful for ourselves because of the comparison on social, because of the over information I always talk about with my mom like, mom, why do you think our generation is more stressed?

 

00;04;56;02 – 00;05;11;06

Dr. Mona

She’s like, it’s in your hand, it’s your cell phone. And I’m like, I know I hear you. I think cell phones can cause more stress for parents, too, that you feel like you’re not doing enough when you’re actually doing all you need to do. And that concept of just letting them be and letting them kind of play for themselves is huge.

 

00;05;11;06 – 00;05;25;26

Dr. Mona

And yet, I think so much of us have forgotten that, like I vividly remember, and I’m sure you can when you were younger, all the kids just getting together in like a big room and just figuring out what was going to happen, there was no scheduling anything for us. There was no parent saying, okay guys, here’s the toys.

 

00;05;25;27 – 00;05;48;13

Dr. Mona

I think we forget that you’re not going anywhere if you’re allowing your child some independent playtime, or if you’re not playing with your child all day long, you’re there for them, like you said, in other ways. But they learn through that. The moments that they’re alone, meaning you’re nearby cooking dinner or you just sitting with them like they learn so much troubleshooting and so much creativity through the process of playing on their own with you nearby.

 

00;05;48;13 – 00;05;49;19

Dr. Mona

You know, it’s so fascinating.

 

00;05;49;25 – 00;06;14;05

Susie Allison 

It really is fascinating. And I think what, a quote that almost gets overused on social media, it’s from a philosopher a hundred years ago, Jean Piaget, and it’s the very simple phrase play is the work of childhood. And we see this kind of scattered everywhere as a reminder that children need to be playing. And this kind of harkens back, especially in the last ten years, as academic learning and early childhood has become this big push.

 

00;06;14;05 – 00;06;32;05

Susie Allison 

And so then the pushback was, well, they don’t, you know, maybe necessarily need all this academic learning, what they really need is play. And play is the work of childhood. And we hear this over and over again. And what I constantly want to keep adding to that sentence is but not the work of adulthood. Yeah, plays the work of childhood, but not the work of adulthood.

 

00;06;32;05 – 00;06;55;19

Susie Allison 

And somehow we have decided and taken it upon ourselves to be these play facilitators with our children. And it does come at a cost to both our development and their development, because we’re just not letting them have that space in that time. And I think one of the big misconceptions that parents have is that, well, my child doesn’t play well on their own.

 

00;06;55;19 – 00;07;15;02

Susie Allison 

So then what other choice do I have? And I hear that I hear that if your child doesn’t play well on their own, it is a struggle. I have two children that came out of me knowing exactly how to self entertain. I have one who would like to reattach his umbilical cord. Oh that’s his. That’s his ideal. Yes.

 

00;07;15;06 – 00;07;34;05

Susie Allison 

Like birth was traumatic. Yeah. Birth was hard for him because he had to leave me. Like this is what he never would have chosen. Never would have chosen this. And it’s hard when you have a child who doesn’t play well on their own, because then you really do want to say, well, this is such a simple thing. Why can’t you do this?

 

00;07;34;05 – 00;07;47;04

Susie Allison 

So here I’m just going to do it with you. And what that ends up doing is it gets us in this cycle. It’s just kind of a, you know, one of those circular things where because the child doesn’t know how to play, then we play with the child, and then the child doesn’t learn how to play, and then we’re back to playing with the child.

 

00;07;47;04 – 00;08;12;23

Susie Allison 

And it just kind of keeps going. So we have to actively work to build the skill. And I think that’s another big issue right now is that we think that play is something intrinsic in kids, and it is to an extent, but it can be difficult in other kids, in other situations, depending on the child’s personality, depending on family structure, all sorts of different things can make independent play harder for some kids.

 

00;08;12;25 – 00;08;30;13

Susie Allison 

So instead, what I like to encourage parents is to look at this like it’s a marathon and we wouldn’t say to our kids, well, we’re going to run a marathon, so tomorrow we’re going to do it 26 miles. Let’s go. We would never do that. We know that’s not going to work. So instead we’re going to build this skill and we’re going to build it together.

 

00;08;30;13 – 00;08;49;08

Susie Allison 

And so the ways that we can do that with our kids are actually pretty simple. First we’re going to set a boundary. I’m not available for play. Here’s what I’m going to be doing while you’re playing and you have work to do I have an email I need to answer, or I’m taking this phone call, or I’m unloading this dishwasher and you’re going to go play.

 

00;08;49;10 – 00;09;11;20

Susie Allison 

And if we can set this up at a really predictable point every day, if we can think about play with the same reference that we give to sports and classes and clubs, if we can also give that same time commitment to a child’s alone play time without an adult, that will be so beneficial. So perhaps for your family, it looks like after breakfast in the morning, that’s when you’re going to go off and play.

 

00;09;11;20 – 00;09;25;26

Susie Allison 

And so you talk to your child about that. You’re going to go off and play after breakfast. This is going to happen every single day. So there’s nothing to be worried about or scared about. It’s a totally normal part of your day. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be cleaning up the kitchen and, you know, getting lunches ready in this, that.

 

00;09;25;26 – 00;09;41;22

Susie Allison 

And, you know, you can list off your jobs. Never be afraid to tell your children about all the hard work you’re putting in to life and to making things run smoothly. Let them see your hard work and let them see what that looks like to build this home community. So we’re going to schedule it. We’re going to talk about it.

 

00;09;41;22 – 00;10;00;14

Susie Allison 

And then we’re going to start with five minutes. That’s all we’re going to start with. And you’re going to set what’s called a visual timer. And if you haven’t seen a visual timer before go online, Google it, head to Amazon. You’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. It’s a timer for children where they can actually see it’s a little red bar, and it’s going to start to shrink as the time goes down.

 

00;10;00;14 – 00;10;19;07

Susie Allison 

And then the child can see because for kids, time is so abstract that five minutes might as well be five years. They have no idea. So let’s take that stress away and let’s make it five minutes that they can see. And then the second that five minutes is over, you’ll hear the little beep. You’ll come to them, hey, our playtime right now is over, you know, and you can talk.

 

00;10;19;07 – 00;10;36;07

Susie Allison 

Do you want to continue? I have more things I need to do. Maybe we read a book really quick, but you reconnect with the child and you get them centered again. Or you see that they’re playing nicely and you back out of the room without interrupting them, because that is always a joy to see when you come in after your set time and you’re like, oh my gosh, they’re really doing it.

 

00;10;36;07 – 00;10;53;17

Susie Allison 

I’m just going to back away. I hope nobody saw me, and you’re going to really set this boundary. And it might mean that the first time you set this boundary, that they lay in the hallway and wait for you like they’re, you know, holding a little vigil, waiting for you to get back there. And you know what? That’s their decision.

 

00;10;53;20 – 00;11;16;07

Susie Allison 

I can set the schedule and I can decide what we’re going to do, but it’s their responsibility to go off and play. And if what they want to do with their self entertaining time is stare at the ceiling, then I have to bless and release that. That’s on them. So I think one of the things that I would challenge parents who are feeling this weight of, well, this is great, that children need to be playing, but my child doesn’t play well alone.

 

00;11;16;10 – 00;11;37;21

Susie Allison 

Let’s work on getting them to that point. Let’s set a schedule. Let’s start with five minutes. Let’s set a timer, let them know what your job is. And then maybe the most important, maintain that boundary once you’ve set it and said, I’m not available to play. You’re not available to play, do your job. They will figure out what their job is going to be, whether that’s to play or to stare at the wall.

 

00;11;37;23 – 00;11;55;00

Susie Allison 

And this will get easier. Just like any skill building gets easier in our adult lives, it can get it will get easier in their child lives, and you will see that you’ll start with five minutes and then ten, and then it will just start growing until you suddenly realize, oh my gosh, my child is really good at playing by themselves.

 

00;11;55;00 – 00;12;22;09

Susie Allison 

Like I can really get stuff done. And I think the biggest payoff is when you notice that your child is really playing by themselves. And oh my gosh, I did this like I led them through this skill. But then also when you realize and I’m able to get things done and things are less stressful because of this, and that’s really where we’re trying to get to this sort of promised land or so.

 

00;12;22;12 – 00;12;43;26

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up, just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;12;43;28 – 00;12;59;10

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at Pedsdoctalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona, see you next time for your next dose.