Friendship heartbreak hits differently when it’s your child. In this episode, I sit down with child development specialist Dr. Robyn Silverman to talk about bullying, boundaries, rejection, and what to say when your child feels left out. We dive into the moments that trigger us as parents, especially when their pain mirrors our own childhood wounds, and how to respond with steadiness instead of panic.

If you’ve ever felt your chest tighten when your child says, “They don’t want to play with me,” this conversation is for you. We talk about helping kids define what a good friend actually is, building identity from the inside out, and supporting them through social struggles without bulldozing the situation or blaming them. This episode is about raising confident kids who know they are enough, even when friendships shift.

What we discuss:

• Why fifth grade and early adolescence can feel like a social turning point
• How to help kids define what a true friend looks like
• Why proximity friendships don’t always work long term
• The power of identity and “I am” statements
• How negative self talk creates a confidence feedback loop
• What to say when your child says they’re being bullied
• What not to do in the heat of the moment
• How to respond without escalating the situation
• Supporting social skill growth without labeling your child as the problem
• The importance of repair when we as parents don’t handle it perfectly
• Why parenting always offers a do over

To connect with Dr. Robyn Silverman follow her on Instagram @drrobynsilverman, check out all her resources at https://drrobynsilverman.com/ and buy her book “How to Talk To Kids About Anything”: ⁠https://parenting.drrobynsilverman.com/book#heading-t_xdY060m2H⁠

00:00 – When Friendship Hurts: The Question Every Parent Faces

01:10 – Meet Dr. Robyn Silverman: Helping Parents Navigate Hard Conversations

02:22 – Why Talking About Friendship and Bullying Matters

03:06 – The Childhood Experience That Inspired Dr. Silverman’s Work

07:08 – Teaching Kids What a Good Friend Actually Is

10:52 – Why Kids Stay in Friendships That Don’t Treat Them Well

12:28 – Helping Kids Find Friendships That Fit Who They Are

15:02 – How Self-Identity Shapes Social Confidence

19:47 – What To Do When Your Child Says They’re Being Bullied

21:13 – The First Words to Say When Your Child Opens Up

25:34 – Rebuilding Self-Worth After Friendship Rejection

27:11 – When Your Child Feels Like No One Wants to Be Their Friend

31:13 – Avoiding the Blame Trap When Kids Struggle Socially

33:37 – Parenting Is the Ultimate Do-Over

36:12 – A Simple Exercise to Help Kids Choose Better Friends

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Transcript

00;00;00;03 – 00;00;28;21

Dr. Robyn Silverman

I think part of it is we have kids based their friendships on proximity for a really long time. They are becoming friends with people at school in their classroom, because those are the people who are closest physically from their neighborhood, because they’re the closest physically and that doesn’t always work for our kids.

00;00;28;24 – 00;00;48;22

Dr. Mona

Hey, everyone. Doctor Mona here. Your online pediatrician mom, friend and welcome to the show where we have honest conversations to help you parent with clarity and confidence. Let me ask you something. What would you do if your child came home and said, they don’t want to sit with me anymore? Would you jump into problem solving? Call the school, replace your own middle school memories?

00;00;48;22 – 00;01;10;13

Dr. Mona

I know I’ve been there. And how do we help our kids understand the difference between a real friend and someone who just happens to be nearby? How do we build self-worth so their identity is not shaped by who excludes them? My older kid, Ryaan, is getting into that school age and helping guide him through relationships is the next big phase for us, and it’s something many of you are already in.

00;01;10;15 – 00;01;30;13

Dr. Mona

Today we’re talking about friendship, hurt, bullying, boundaries, and self-worth with someone who has dedicated her career to giving parents the words for hard conversations. Doctor Robyn Silverman, known as The Conversation Doc, is a child and teen developmental specialist, author of the national bestseller How to Talk to Kids About Anything, and host of the podcast by the same name.

00;01;30;15 – 00;01;57;21

Dr. Mona

She has been featured on the Today Show, Good Morning America and in major publications nationwide. Her work focuses on helping adults feel equipped to guide kids through tough topics with clarity and compassion, something every child needs. This episode is for every parent who wants to respond thoughtfully instead of react emotionally when friendship hurts. Make sure you subscribe and download this episode and your favorite past episodes so we can continue bringing you these amazing conversations.

00;01;57;26 – 00;02;22;10

Dr. Mona

I can’t stress that enough. In order for the show to continue to exist, you have to help grow it. And after you listen, share this episode on social and tag PedsDocTalk, the PedsDocTalk podcast and at Doctor Robyn, Robyn Silverman so we can keep this conversation going. Let’s get into it.

00;02;22;12 – 00;02;27;15

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me today, Doctor Robyn. I’m so thrilled to be here. This is going to.

00;02;27;15 – 00;02;28;20

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Be so much fun.

00;02;28;22 – 00;02;48;25

Dr. Mona

Well, I was so excited to find you. You know, I love this platform. Being able to share the voices of so many on the show. And this has been a topic that I haven’t talked about yet, which was bullying, boundaries, friendships. And, you know, a lot of my conversations tend to be around younger children. And I’m really to reach out more in this podcast to parents who need it.

00;02;48;25 – 00;03;05;28

Dr. Mona

Right? The parents who are parenting those older children, dealing with their beloved little baby kid who’s now exploring the world and having to deal with the hurt, the hurt of friendship. So introduce yourself for people who may not be familiar with your work. And what kind of prompted you to write the book that you did?

00;03;06;01 – 00;03;36;10

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Well, I’m doctor Robyn Silverman. I’m so excited to be here. Yeah. And I, I’m a child development specialist, and I really concentrate on how to talk to kids about tough topics. I like to give scripts and tips because I really feel strongly that we all need a place to start. And even though the exact script is going to be different in your own home, we all need the words to get started, and we often put barriers in our way.

00;03;36;16 – 00;03;59;26

Dr. Robyn Silverman

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know when to say it and I fill in those gaps. So I did write the book for a particular reason. You know, sometimes you think back and you go, why did I go through that? And then you realize that had you not gone through this situation, this tragedy, you wouldn’t have triumphed in the direction that you did.

00;03;59;28 – 00;04;24;11

Dr. Robyn Silverman

So let me take you back to fifth grade. Usually I get a groan at that time because everybody knows that fifth grade is it’s a turning point and it’s it’s a touchpoint for a lot of people. I was stuck in a three person friendship sandwich, and we all know that when that happens, one of those pieces of bread usually gets squished.

00;04;24;13 – 00;04;51;09

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And that piece of bread was me. So the other piece of bread wore red high top sneakers. She had a swishy ponytail. Go back and forth down the hall with confidence, and she was three inches shorter than me, and she held so much power. She did not like sharing the meat of the sandwich, the bestie, and that bestie was bowled over by her power.

00;04;51;11 – 00;05;21;04

Dr. Robyn Silverman

So she became my weekend best friend, and during the week she ignored me. And it didn’t just stay within that threesome. It actually it despite her out into the entire grade so that when I went out for recess, I was completely on my own. Everybody else was up on the hill whispering, talking, pointing. And I was kicking little pebbles on the blacktop while the aides looked on.

00;05;21;10 – 00;05;49;06

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And they did nothing. They just spoke to each other. They did nothing. And I don’t think they knew what to do or what to say. And inside wasn’t much better. The teacher didn’t know what to do or say, but what she did do was she called a meeting of the entire class and sent me to the library, only underscoring that I was going to be completely on my own in this after 20 minutes.

00;05;49;09 – 00;06;10;04

Dr. Robyn Silverman

My weekend best friend was sent to get me, which was a very odd choice as it was. And I remember feeling so alone as she walked in front of me into the classroom. There is nothing that can make a child feel more alone than having 20 pairs of eyes staring at them, waiting for them to mess up or cry.

00;06;10;06 – 00;06;31;23

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And when I walked in, the teacher said, you have the floor. What do you want to say? And I just thought, what do I want to say? What do you want to say? Because I’m just the kid here. I have no idea what to say. My mom at home would hand me tissue after tissue, I was crying. She didn’t know what to say.

00;06;31;26 – 00;06;55;02

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And what I realized was I needed somebody to tell me I was enough. That these weren’t my real friends. That I wasn’t a failure, and that I could move on from this. And so I put all of that in the book, not just in the friendship chapter, but also in the chapter on body image and self-esteem and confidence.

00;06;55;02 – 00;07;08;20

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Also in the chapter on failure and mistakes throughout the book, it is the impetus for me to become a child development specialist and give the words to the adults that I wish they had when I was a child.

00;07;08;27 – 00;07;26;06

Dr. Mona

I love an origin story. I talk about that all the time. Whenever I ask how people got inspired to do the work that they do, it’s so nice to be able to have that experience and use it for good, right? Obviously, I’m not happy that you had that experience, but I think all of us has similar stories. You know, I was in that same situation in seventh grade, being in a three person friendship.

00;07;26;06 – 00;07;46;04

Dr. Mona

And you know how hard that can be. And being the ostracized one and feeling lonely. And I appreciate you for doing this and writing this book and getting this out there. And you you already kind of talked about it. My first question is, you know, you just wanted someone to be there for you and tell you what it is and tell you how normal this is and what is your value and how you have that self-worth.

00;07;46;05 – 00;07;59;22

Dr. Mona

So, you know, my first question is, how do we help our kids understand what a good friend is, especially when they may be spending time with people who don’t treat them all that well. And then I have a follow up question to that after you’re done with that one.

00;07;59;25 – 00;08;35;01

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Well, I’ll say, Doctor Mona, that one of the fave questions that I ask when I am in front of an audience talking about this very topic is what three words come to mind when you define what friendship is for yourself. And usually they’ll come up with things I use. I have these young kids and and even when I’m talking to parents called things out, they usually say things like loyal, trustworthy, kind sums come up with funny or funny.

00;08;35;03 – 00;09;14;29

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And then I ask them the clincher, which is how well do your current top three friends adhere to your personal definition of friendship? And the pause and the silence that’s deafening. It is truly felt. You know that it penetrates because what we want the kids to be doing at that moment is to say, well, this person is fun and they can be kind sometimes, but they’re definitely not loyal.

00;09;15;04 – 00;09;38;01

Dr. Robyn Silverman

You know, they go through it in their heads and they realize that by their own definition, that person is not a good friend. We can do this when things are going well, and we can do this when things are not going well, because we need kids to realize what is going to work for them and what their values are.

00;09;38;03 – 00;10;01;11

Dr. Robyn Silverman

If they’re not adhering to their definition of what friendship is, that’s going to speak to them more than you saying, this is not a good friend because you know their own definition speaks loudly and it is powerful. I had one girl come up to me at the end of a presentation. I never will forget her with her short brown hair.

00;10;01;11 – 00;10;30;15

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And she says to me, how do you know if somebody really is a good friend or not? A good friend? And I could have given her my opinion. And so I asked her, well, how do you feel when you are with those people? And she said to me, like, I really can’t be me. That’s that’s something that she can take with her.

00;10;30;20 – 00;10;44;12

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And as unhappy that that might make her in the moment, in the long run she has something to weigh out her friends against her own personal definition and value.

00;10;44;15 – 00;10;52;14

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

00;10;52;17 – 00;11;09;15

Dr. Mona

And that was my follow up question, and I’m happy you actually, you answered the first part and the follow up is then we know as adults we have learned to know what a good friend is. Obviously we have the development, the age. But we know you ask those same children, right? You know what a good friend is? You are looking for that loyalty or you’re looking for that humor.

00;11;09;19 – 00;11;22;29

Dr. Mona

And yet they find themselves in these situation where most of their friends are not like that. Is that due to just child development of just wanting to fit in with somebody, or why is it that they’re not able to look at that three definitions of what they want in a good friend and actually stick to that.

00;11;23;06 – 00;11;55;22

Dr. Robyn Silverman

00;11;55;25 – 00;12;28;26

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Then she may not feel fully herself and like she can fully express herself. As we get older, we start to seek out areas where we can be our full expression of ourselves. So parents need to be asking questions, not lecturing, but actually asking powerful questions. One of the tools that I love to use, though, is asking powerful questions of, you know, which friends do make you feel the most like yourself or who can you trust even when things go wrong?

00;12;28;26 – 00;13;03;16

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Or which friendships make you feel stronger? And the most like yourself, not smaller. Like you have to hide a piece of yourself. These kinds of questions are based in curiosity rather than in judgment. Rather than trying to push them into your definition of friendship so it can help them to seek things out. And if they come to you and they say, I don’t know any of those people who fit my definition, it’s time to do what I call diversifying your friendship circles.

00;13;03;18 – 00;13;35;10

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And it may mean driving a little further to the community theater in the other town, or joining the soccer team that’s part of your county and start instead of part of your town or city, you’re going a little further out, or you’re doing something like, you’re helping you’re helping a certain segment of society like, oh, now I’m going to be, doing charity work in this area so I can meet some new people who have that kind of empathy part to you.

00;13;35;10 – 00;13;49;19

Dr. Robyn Silverman

You’re a really empathetic person, and I think you’re around a lot of people who haven’t developed that part of themselves. Let’s do something that builds on that strength of empathy, but also helps you to meet other people more like you.

00;13;49;20 – 00;14;05;21

Dr. Mona

I love this because my son is, you know, in pre-K, but he’s starting to, you know, he’s five years old. So there’s now that developmental desire to make more friends and be desired and wanting to make that connection. And we had talked about that. My husband and I said, I’m like, his only interaction right now is kids in his school.

00;14;05;21 – 00;14;21;13

Dr. Mona

And the teacher had said that he only plays with maybe 1 or 2 kids. And I’m like, that’s fine. As long as he has his his two friends. He doesn’t need to be the popular kid that plays with everyone. And then I also told my husband the same thing. I’m like, as he gets older, remember that we can put him into other activities that align with his energy level.

00;14;21;13 – 00;14;39;08

Dr. Mona

My son is a very energetic child, so maybe it’s going to be some sport. Maybe it’s going to be karate where he can connect with people. Like you said, that artsy vibe. Maybe your child just needs that like minded person that is has the same interests and same sort of vibe as they do, similar to what we do as grown adults.

00;14;39;08 – 00;14;41;22

Dr. Mona

And I love that you you related to that?

00;14;41;25 – 00;14;42;22

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Exactly.

00;14;42;26 – 00;15;02;05

Dr. Mona

And how can then we, you know, we have our children. We want them to see themselves especially for their identity. How can the way our children see themselves put them in a position to be picked on or belittled by others? And how do we help them build that stronger sense of self that doesn’t absorb those messages? That very well may happen?

00;15;02;08 – 00;15;27;08

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Well, identity really is, just, as you said, like it’s that answer to the question of who am I? And the way that we answer that question really helps us to define how we show up in the world. Identity, as James Clear says, can either hold you back or it can build you up and I was really a victim to this, too.

00;15;27;12 – 00;15;50;20

Dr. Robyn Silverman

If you go back to that fifth grade year, what was I saying in my head to myself? Those I am statements are super important or I was, I am stupid, I am not good enough. Nobody likes me. You start to build on this and it creates what I call a feedback loop, where you say something to yourself or even out loud your hear your ears.

00;15;50;20 – 00;16;10;16

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Do hear that. Your brain keeps saying over and over again these same things, and sometimes we will really take it in how it comes out, maybe in our words, but also in our mannerisms and our behaviors. You know that when somebody walks into the room and they don’t feel good enough, you can see it on their face and you can see it in their shoulder slump.

00;16;10;16 – 00;16;28;19

Dr. Robyn Silverman

You can see it in the way that they interact or put their eyes up, down. What are they looking at? If you walk into the room in that way, you’re sending out a signal that says, I’m not good enough. I don’t feel like I’m enough to be in this room with these people. People pick up on those things and sometimes will exploited.

00;16;28;26 – 00;16;51;29

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Right? So it comes out, people will hear it or sense that they will act on it, and their way of acting on it actually sends the message back to us even stronger. Oh, they see it. I’m not good enough. They’re putting me down. They’re saying things to me. They’re not including me. It reinforces what we’ve been saying to ourselves and it just keeps getting stronger, that feedback loop.

00;16;52;02 – 00;17;16;11

Dr. Robyn Silverman

So you need to go back to your the parent in this or the teacher or the coach and that person needs to be able to help that child redefine their I am and redefine it in terms of strengths, not where they fall short, but their strengths. What is it? You know, you are thoughtful. You are creative. You will.

00;17;16;16 – 00;17;49;17

Dr. Robyn Silverman

You care deeply, but also with evidence. So when you came over to me and put your arm around me and says, it looks like you had a really bad day, dad, that really showed that you have such great empathy. You’re so kind and you’re so caring. I really appreciate how kind and caring you are. You can also give that evidence and have it do what I call an overhear, where somebody else is hearing it and or that you’re saying it to grandma on the phone and you say, oh, you know, he’s such a thoughtful person.

00;17;49;17 – 00;18;11;04

Dr. Robyn Silverman

He came over to me, put his arm around me, and he I really just think what an empathetic person. And he’s overhearing it. He doesn’t know that. You know, that he’s there. But it says it in a way that sounds like, well, that must be the truth, because he’s not even saying it to me. We model self-acceptance and we understand that we make mistakes.

00;18;11;04 – 00;18;31;08

Dr. Robyn Silverman

I messed up today. I yelled at my friend today. I totally messed up. I yelled at my friend because I was so frustrated. My car broke down. I was I was, so stressed out. And now I have to go apologize. And I have to, you know, say these things because I am a kind person. And what came out that doesn’t define who I am.

00;18;31;14 – 00;18;52;22

Dr. Robyn Silverman

I know I’m a kind person. We help them practice the confidence. Let’s walk into the room where in a way that that makes people know that we’re supposed to be here, that we’re worth something. I call it USA. Look up, look smart, look alive. You know, you want to look like you know where you’re where are you going and why you’re there.

00;18;52;28 – 00;19;12;12

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And then reinforce that everybody is deserving of respect and kindness. You are to. Nobody is better than you. You are not better than anybody else. And you have gifts. The way you walk into the room and you own those gifts, but also look for the gifts and others. That’s what makes you who you are very empowering.

00;19;12;12 – 00;19;28;26

Dr. Mona

I mean, I feel the same way, obviously focusing on the younger children. And then, like I said, having these conversations as they get older doesn’t stop, right? I mean, every now needs to be reminded of their self-worth. I mean, as adults too, we know that, right? Like and how beautiful it is for a child to overhear them over here.

00;19;28;26 – 00;19;47;01

Dr. Mona

They’re grown up talking so positively around them. I think a lot of my listeners do that, but I think sometimes people can forget and tend to talk about like, oh, so difficult or like always whining, but they every human just wants to be spoken about in a positive light and how how important it is for that developing child as they’re getting their self-worth.

00;19;47;03 – 00;20;02;07

Dr. Mona

So now when your child comes to you and they’re telling you that they’re being bullied, maybe it’s by someone they considered a friend, you know, like maybe it’s by that person that they thought they could trust or that they held to a higher standard. What is the best response here? And what shouldn’t we do in that moment?

00;20;02;07 – 00;20;21;04

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Oh goodness, this one is so hard. And I have to tell you, I was in that position because my daughter did come to me in fifth grade, fifth grade, the very grade I had. My how like, trigger. I mean, I was like, I am being tested right now. Like, there is no way that I’m not being tested because you just want you.

00;20;21;04 – 00;20;43;28

Dr. Robyn Silverman

It gets into your soul. You know what not to do? It’s not. I’m calling the school right now. Go into that person’s house, and I’m going to give that kid a piece of my mind. You want to so bad. Especially when it’s coming from such a visceral, you know, sensitive place where you know what you went through.

00;20;43;28 – 00;21;13;09

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And, hey, I am not going to allow my child to go through that. First we need to breathe and get some air into the into the body so that we can think more clearly. Because when we listen to stuff like that, we hold our breath and that that doesn’t do any good things we think that sends. So the message that we are in an emergency, we breathe in and out, tell your body, this is not an emergency, and we are going to be able to handle this situation.

00;21;13;12 – 00;21;46;10

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And then as far as what we do say, I think we start with appreciation and acknowledgment. Appreciation that your child came to you and said these words. Thank you for coming to me. That took a lot of bravery. Understand in this moment you are not just holding a piece of news, you are holding the hurt. You are holding the confidence of your child right there in your hands and in your heart.

00;21;46;10 – 00;22;08;05

Dr. Robyn Silverman

So. So ask them, do you want me to just listen? Do you want me to give advice? Do you want me to give you a hug? Just be present here because we typically go right into problem solving mode. This is what you need to say. This is what you need to do. Or drop that friend. How? How dare she do blah blah blah.

00;22;08;05 – 00;22;28;28

Dr. Robyn Silverman

How dare he do that? So how do you want me to be to best serve you in this situation? Because maybe they just needed a hug and they wanted no advice. When we wind up going in the wrong direction here, it can make it so that child does not want to come to you and deal with this again.

00;22;29;02 – 00;22;50;21

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Especially if we jump into I’m going to go call the teacher, I’m going to go call that parent because it can come with embarrassment and worry that you’re going to make things worse. So we’re listening. And then people are probably thinking, but I we need to solve this problem. Okay, I get that. Of course we want to solve the problem but do it together.

00;22;50;28 – 00;23;15;28

Dr. Robyn Silverman

So I’m I’m hearing what you’re saying. Tell me more. What do you feel when you’re with them? Is there anybody at your school that you feel like you do have a good relationship with, that you do like to talk to, even if they’re only in one of your classes? Do you have a teacher at the school who has listened to you that knows what’s going on, and you’re urging them on to talk?

00;23;15;28 – 00;23;38;28

Dr. Robyn Silverman

You’re talking less. They’re talking more. Once you get to the end of that and you say, I know that you want to do something about this, you don’t want this to keep going. I am here for you. We can do this together, or we can talk it out on how. How do you want to proceed, by yourself?

00;23;39;01 – 00;24;08;06

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Or if you if you say to me, I want you to call the teacher and talk to her, you might say, I’m happy to do that. Let’s talk about what you’d like me to say. Or you might say, how about we meet with her together so that you’re everybody’s on the same page, and that you’re there as a support system rather than the bulldozer that gets gets everything done and throws everything off in the path.

00;24;08;08 – 00;24;31;14

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show. Oh, I love that. And also obviously approaching it with that collaborative effort and not not starting off with, well, I’m going to go do this. I had the similar situation, like I said, in seventh grade, where someone I had been friends with for a very long time wrote me a letter that they no longer want to be friends with me, and they just did it.

00;24;31;15 – 00;24;48;18

Dr. Mona

They gave it to me. I was so sad. It was at the time we’re like, you’re really trying to find your identity, right? We talk about the identity shift that’s happening in that pre pubertal fifth grade to eighth grade. I mean there’s so much going on. And then we switched to a new school from sixth grade where I was at seventh grade started.

00;24;48;22 – 00;25;05;29

Dr. Mona

This person who you trusted, who you thought you had a relationship. And the new friends that they made were like, we don’t want you in our group. And you’re like, how now what? Right. I remember going home and my mama be mom, which I love. I adore her and obviously she did that same thing. Probably, you know, that happened was like, I’m going to call her mother.

00;25;06;02 – 00;25;22;21

Dr. Mona

Like, how dare she treat my kid like this? And at that time I was like, okay, but I love reflecting. And as you’re hearing it, I’m like, that was fine. Like in the sense that I’m like, okay, my mom’s protecting me, but the what do you need? Or maybe I want to just remind you how much you’re value, like, again, building up that self-identity.

00;25;22;28 – 00;25;34;19

Dr. Mona

You think that’s an appropriate time, like maybe after the dust settles to talk about how much they’re valued, when they’re feeling rejected? Or do you think it’s better to wait? Or, you know, we talk about that age, self-identity and, self-worth piece.

00;25;34;19 – 00;26;00;09

Dr. Robyn Silverman

I think that there’s always a good time to talk about that, to recognize your child’s strengths, to recognize your child’s value, their worth. You can use it in your own lens. I know that when I’ve been treated like this in the past, I’ve felt like I’m not good enough, and. And nobody cares about me. And I just want you to know I am 100% behind you.

00;26;00;12 – 00;26;34;18

Dr. Robyn Silverman

You can always rely on me to be there. And even while you are going through this tough time, I see your strengths. I see your perseverance. I see your kindness. I see your big heart. And that will never end. And I also want you to realize that while you’re going through this at school, you still have such and such friend from camp, from down the street who knows nothing about what’s going on right now, because they’re in a completely different school or a completely different state.

00;26;34;20 – 00;26;48;26

Dr. Robyn Silverman

There are people who care about you and only want the best for you. And they see you. They hear you, and you are worth something every single day. No matter how this person is treating you. Right now, I’m feeling warmth.

00;26;48;26 – 00;27;11;14

Dr. Mona

You’re healing a little bit of that little girl in me. Also, while we talk about this. But such important value of that self-worth. Thank you. You know, I do know that there are children who sometimes feel continually left out or rejected. Right? They’re walking that line between and you’re wanting to walk that line between helping them grow socially, and maybe they’re trying to make them friends, and no one wants to be their friend, but they want to have that, that connection with people.

00;27;11;19 – 00;27;23;03

Dr. Mona

So how do we walk that line of helping them grow socially, but also not making them feel like they’re the problem because they’re they may look at will. I’m the issue because nobody wants to be friends with me. So how can we navigate that?

00;27;23;03 – 00;27;49;15

Dr. Robyn Silverman

It’s such a hard situation because it breaks your heart and you see this happening, and you just want to shake people and say, this is a good kid. Like, please be friends with my kid. You know, he’s not fancy or you know, he’s not tall, but he is. He is perfect exactly as he is. You can still support your child even when they’re feeling a little broken.

00;27;49;15 – 00;28;21;20

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And when you’re feeling a little broken first, again, you start with that recognition. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I imagine this feels really lonely. You know, and and that you refrain from starting in with this is because you’re too bossy. And this is because, you know, you’re the raw police. I in my book, I have a full two pages on, on, friendship breakers, friendship makers and friendship breakers.

00;28;21;22 – 00;28;43;28

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And, you know, there’s a lot and kids sometimes don’t even know that they’re doing them. So to start, you know, rolling out this laundry list of I told you that if you constantly boss people around, nobody’s going to want to be friends with you and you’re going to have no friends. That’s not the time to go through that particular point.

00;28;44;00 – 00;29;06;18

Dr. Robyn Silverman

There are times when we do need to help our children with those social skills, but in that moment when they’re telling you, I’m feeling so alone, I’m crying to you, that’s not that moment. And if you put yourself in that situation, you messed up at work. You don’t want people to run a laundry list of how distracted you always are, or you know how you are prioritizing the wrong thing.

00;29;06;18 – 00;29;31;07

Dr. Robyn Silverman

That stinks. Okay, so go through a touch point. You know, when you’re with these with these people, how do you feel, you know, and and allow them to be doing more of the talking so that you understand the full situation? Is there anybody that you would really like to spend time with? Is there anybody doing things in the classroom that you’re curious about?

00;29;31;07 – 00;30;00;07

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Maybe you haven’t done them before? Is there somebody in the classroom you’d like to get to know? Because sometimes the classroom doesn’t lend itself to all different kinds of children. Some children are more one on one children, and they need a little bit of a head start. That head start comes on the weekends, on the holidays when you can make a connection and say, hey, I’d like to, you know, have my child get together with Sam.

00;30;00;14 – 00;30;28;27

Dr. Robyn Silverman

And so you call Sam’s mother and you make a time when that child can get together with Sam one on one at a neutral location, like a park, and they get to know each other without any of the distractions, or anything that any of the politics that are happening in the classroom, the hierarchy, and they make inroads so that when they come back to the classroom, they’re in a different space.

00;30;29;00 – 00;30;54;15

Dr. Robyn Silverman

That’s, again, that diversifying your friendship circles and a little bit of a different way. Yes. You, you know, go to the town next door. Yes, you go down the street, but you also can dip into the friendship that can be possible within the classroom, but just in a different way, so that they’re outside of the 2030, you know, 35 kids that are in there.

00;30;54;18 – 00;31;13;29

Dr. Mona

I love this conversation. I could have you back on again to talk about other. I would love it to. Yeah. Related to, you know, different aspects of relationships. And I think, again, this is so important because not only is it important for the parents, to know what to do with their children, but also we all as adults feel the same way sometimes when we’re making friendships and that mama bear can come out.

00;31;13;29 – 00;31;36;06

Dr. Mona

I loved what you talked about in terms of how we approach things in the moment and how it is natural for the parent to feel protective over this little child that you were responsible for, that relied on you, and now, in a very healthy developmental stage, is now trying to form different attachments with other people, their peers. And all we want is them to be loved as much as we love them.

00;31;36;09 – 00;31;51;10

Dr. Mona

And I think that can feel so hard when you’re like, like you said perfectly, you’re like, love this kid. This kid is funny and it doesn’t matter. And like, you just want to do that. But at the same time, you got to rein it in and really look at that kid. You brought up something so poignant to me about the the blaming, right?

00;31;51;10 – 00;32;06;11

Dr. Mona

You and I had that done to me and my husband as well. We, we tend to grew up in a child in a household, both of us that, was very blaming when things went wrong. Right. Like, well, what did you do? Like and I grew up with that mentality. I grew up with the very people pleaser, sort of.

00;32;06;11 – 00;32;25;12

Dr. Mona

Well, I’m the problem because if a relationship ends or if I do something wrong at work or make a mistake, I was the one who caused it. When in reality, sure, that could have happened. It could have been me that I said something. But in reality, it’s like is at the time to say that? Probably not and will build up the self-confidence and self-worth and then teach well.

00;32;25;14 – 00;32;41;20

Dr. Mona

Is this a pattern? Like, are you always yelling at your friends? Maybe we need to talk about your yelling because it’s not nice. Yeah, but I love that. I love that you’re reaching, you know, our listeners, to a place of compassion before we actually try to teach. And that is so important in all parenting, but also.

00;32;41;20 – 00;33;06;21

Dr. Robyn Silverman

No doctor Mona, like I always like to tell parents that even if it is a friendship breaker, like what you just mentioned, that that is a social skill problem, not a character problem. And that is different. We can address the social skill, but if you’re saying this is who you are, that feels much less likely that they can change.

00;33;06;21 – 00;33;31;21

Dr. Robyn Silverman

They need we need to help them under like, you have to understand that somebody who’s like, really bossy, they have a certain being assertive down. That’s that’s great. But they need to learn the social skill of exactly how to couch how they’re speaking to their friends, and that you can do so, you know, that, that it’s not all negative even when you’re seeing something come out in your child.

00;33;31;22 – 00;33;37;06

Dr. Mona

Doctor Robyn, you’ve already given so many pearls. But what would be your final uplifting message for everyone tuning in today?

00;33;37;13 – 00;34;05;16

Dr. Robyn Silverman

I will say the same thing I how I end my podcasts myself, because I feel that parenting provides the ultimate Do-Over. So if you’re hearing something today and you’re like, that’s not how I handled it, I totally messed that up. Or I didn’t have that conversation with my kid. I shut them out or I shut down. Then you have to know that that any time today, tomorrow, right this second, you can do it differently.

00;34;05;19 – 00;34;26;03

Dr. Robyn Silverman

You can take something that one of us said today, and you can apply it to what your situation is. And even if I get this a lot in my presentations, this happened two months ago. This happened six months ago. Go back six months ago. You came to me and you told me that this happened. And I did not handle it well because I was triggered.

00;34;26;03 – 00;34;48;03

Dr. Robyn Silverman

It reminded me of fifth grade. I was so frustrated that I did not sit and listen to you. So if I had the chance to go back and here’s what I would want to say to you. Thank you for coming to me. I really appreciate you coming out and saying this to me. I hold it in such high regard that you trust me with your words, and I will do better next time.

00;34;48;03 – 00;35;03;07

Dr. Robyn Silverman

I am always here for you and anytime you want to talk about something sensitive, I’m here to listen and I will do better every time. I’m still learning to be a parent, just like you’re learning to be a kid. And I’m going to keep stepping up to the plate here.

00;35;03;07 – 00;35;15;14

Dr. Mona

Here. It never ends. And it’s others. Always a do over. And I love that message. Doctor Robyn, thank you so much for coming on today. Where can people go to stay connected? Whether it’s social website, you tell tell us and I’ll be putting it in our show notes as well.

00;35;15;17 – 00;35;37;09

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Well they can go to Doctor Robyn silverman.com. It’s Robyn with a Y for a lot of that information. Social I’m under Doctor Robyn Silverman. I have two on on Instagram because Instagram is so weird and it’s know I doctor with a dot after it and whether or not thought, I’m on Facebook under Doctor Robyn Silverman, so please come and follow.

00;35;37;09 – 00;35;48;14

Dr. Robyn Silverman

I do tons of videos on tips and scripts, and I hope that you and I will be able to do this again. And you can come on my show, and we’ll be having a quite a lot of back and forth.

00;35;48;16 – 00;35;52;06

Dr. Mona

And remind our listeners, your show name is the same as your name. What’s the name of the show.

00;35;52;12 – 00;36;01;16

Dr. Robyn Silverman

How to talk to kids about anything? Yes, about your book. And that’s my book. My book is this nice red book right here, you know. So yeah. Talk to kids about anything.

00;36;01;18 – 00;36;08;19

Dr. Mona

Well, I am so grateful we could connect today. Thank you again. I will be attaching all of her information in the show notes. But again, Doctor Robyn, thank you.

00;36;08;21 – 00;36;12;10

Dr. Robyn Silverman

Thank you.

00;36;12;12 – 00;36;29;20

Dr. Mona

That wraps up today’s episode. And here’s the takeaway I want you to bring it to your home this week. Ask your child what three words come to mind when you define what friendship means to you. And I think this is a concept that we can do as young as six years of age. Then ask, how well do your current friends meet those definitions?

00;36;29;24 – 00;36;53;26

Dr. Mona

This one exercise teaches kids to filter friendships through their own value system. It helps them to understand that they are allowed to expect loyalty, kindness, honesty, or whatever matters most to them. In friendship, it shifts the focus from why don’t they like me? To does this relationship align with who I am? And that is powerful. If this conversation supported you, please subscribe and download this episode and a few of your favorites.

00;36;54;04 – 00;37;16;04

Dr. Mona

It helps the show grow more than you know. Then head over to PedsDocTalk and join the discussion on our latest social media post. Share your biggest takeaway and tag at the PedsDocTalk Podcast and at Doctor Robyn Robyn Silverman so we can keep this dialog going in our community. Thank you so much for being here and for raising kids who know their self-worth.

00;37;16;06 – 00;37;18;16

Dr. Mona

I’ll chat with another guest next time on the show.

Please note that our transcript may not exactly match the final audio, as minor edits or adjustments could be made during production.