Parents carry their past into their parenting, often without realizing it. In this episode, I sit down with relationship therapist and author Eli Harwood to talk about how emotional baggage forms, how it quietly shows up in the way we respond to our kids, and what it actually looks like to break those patterns in real time. We get honest about triggers, shame, defensiveness, and the parts of ourselves we learned to tuck away long before we ever had children.

Eli breaks down how emotional inheritance works, why our bodies react before our brains catch up, and how to shift from reactive parenting to connected parenting. This isn’t about perfection or never getting activated. It’s about noticing, pausing, and choosing something different so our kids don’t have to carry what we never had support for. If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I passing this on?”, this conversation will help you see the patterns with compassion and give you tools to change the story.

What we talk about:

• Why emotional baggage forms and how it shows up in parenting

• How your childhood coping strategies become adult triggers

• The difference between reacting and responding

• Why kids activate the parts of us we haven’t healed

• How shame keeps patterns going

• Practical steps to interrupt the cycle

• Why slowing down is the most powerful parenting tool

• How to repair with your child when you slip into old patterns

To connect with Eli Harwood follow her on Instagram @⁠attachmentnerd⁠, check out all her resources at https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ and buy her book “How to Deal with Your ___ So Your Kids Don’t Have To: ⁠https://www.amazon.com/Deal-Your-____-Kids-Dont/dp/1632175967⁠ 

00:00 – The Core Idea: Kids Feel What We Don’t Heal

05:23 – From Secure Kids to Secure Parents

09:18 – The Five Gifts of a Secure Parent 14:06 – Showing Up Without Making Kids the Burden 23:14 – When Your Stuff Spills Out

25:58 – Hidden Baggage: Denial, Over-Apologizing, and Self-Doubt

27:28 – Bias, Blind Spots, and Long-Term Connection

36:40 – Emotional Maturity in Real Life

41:17 – “I Want Mommy”: Rejection and Attachment Preferences

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00;00;00;00 – 00;00;31;12

Eli Harwood

The gift we give our kids is being grounded enough, connected enough, secure enough in ourselves that they trust us to be there for them, right? And so for all of us, that means different things. You know, some of us are navigating baggage that’s related to childhood abuse. Some of us are navigating baggage that’s related to just disconnection. Some of us are navigating racism.

 

00;00;31;14 – 00;00;56;25

Dr. Mona

Hello, doctor Mona here. And welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast, where we have honest conversations that help you parent with more clarity, connection, and confidence. Today’s guest is someone I deeply admire, both personally and professionally. Eli Harwood is a licensed therapist with nearly two decades of clinical experience. A mom of three, the creator of the widely loved platform Attachment Nerd, and the author of multiple books on secure attachment.

 

00;00;56;28 – 00;01;16;22

Dr. Mona

Many of you may know her from her first book, Raising Securely Attached Kids Using Connection Focused Parenting to Create confidence, empathy, and Resilience, which is, by the way, one of my favorite parenting books of all time. And I see that as someone who’s writing a parenting book and who loves discussing parenting. Also, bonus she’s just a super kind person.

 

00;01;16;22 – 00;01;42;28

Dr. Mona

We have connected online and through the podcast and share a mission for raising loved, secure kids. And when I was in Colorado for an event, she picked me up from the airport and took me to dinner on our first meeting. I mean, this is airport pick up level friendship. She’s back with a new book that flips the lens inward, which is so important it’s called How to Deal With Your Blink so your kids don’t have to an encyclopedia for ditching your emotional baggage.

 

00;01;43;00 – 00;01;58;29

Dr. Mona

And this one goes straight to the heart of what so many of us quietly wrestle with. What if the hardest part of parenting is not what our kids are doing, but what we have not worked through? What if our children can feel what we do not heal? What are the five gifts of a secure parent and what are we truly offering them?

 

00;01;59;01 – 00;02;21;13

Dr. Mona

How does emotional baggage quietly show up in our reactions are tone our expectations. What does emotional maturity actually look like in real life? Not just in theory. And when our child says, I don’t want to, or you don’t love me. Are we reacting from old wounds or responding from security? That’s what we’re unpacking today. And if you’ve ever thought, I want to give my child something better than what I experienced.

 

00;02;21;13 – 00;02;42;14

Dr. Mona

But I do not always know how this conversation is for you. Make sure you subscribe to the show. Download this episode. Just really just set automatic downloads at this point and share it with a friend who needs to hear it. And when you’re listening and you want to share it. Tag PedsDocTalk the PedsDocTalk podcast, and Attachment Nerd so we can continue this conversation together.

 

00;02;42;20 – 00;02;49;01

Dr. Mona

Let’s get into it.

 

00;02;49;04 – 00;02;52;28

Dr. Mona

Welcome back my friend Eli to the show.

 

00;02;53;01 – 00;02;57;07

Eli Harwood

It’s so good to be here. Thank you for having me and for cheering me on.

 

00;02;57;10 – 00;03;18;20

Dr. Mona

I am so excited. I cheer you on because you cheer me on and you cheer values on. You know, I just want to say this to begin. You know, earlier this year, there have been so much in terms of unrest in our country. And, you know, I, you know, people have their different opinions, but I have a very value driven parenting style.

 

00;03;18;20 – 00;03;36;03

Dr. Mona

I believe that we should be raising securely attached children, children who love other children, children who understand that we have differences. And just because we have differences doesn’t mean we have to be unkind. That everyone deserves dignity. I just want to say thank you for all the advocacy and voice that you gave online during all the Ice protests.

 

00;03;36;04 – 00;03;52;14

Dr. Mona

You know, I know that content to be very controversial as a social media figure. But I watched a lot of the parenting space be very silent. And you were not one of those people. And it means a lot, because sometimes it can feel as if in the parenting space, it’s usually the women of color doing that.

 

00;03;52;14 – 00;04;14;02

Dr. Mona

But you as a white woman showed up for for the community. You showed up not to just look at color lines. You showed up because you knew that it was the right thing to do. So I just want to thank you that the reason why I love you even more now is that I can tell that not only are you writing these amazing books, but you’re also practicing what you preach and creating a more secure place in this country and in this world.

 

00;04;14;02 – 00;04;15;16

Dr. Mona

So thank you for doing that.

 

00;04;15;23 – 00;04;17;24

Eli Harwood

Well thank you. You’re making me cry.

 

00;04;17;26 – 00;04;19;09

Dr. Mona

You made me cry.

 

00;04;19;11 – 00;04;37;06

Eli Harwood

Thank you, thank you. Yeah, because there is no. There is no color of child. There are children and children who have different colors in different situations and different levels of status and privilege and all of that crap. Yeah, but like me and my heart breaks for every kid everywhere, and I don’t know.

 

00;04;37;09 – 00;04;37;22

Dr. Mona

Thank you.

 

00;04;37;23 – 00;04;38;16

Eli Harwood

What a mess we’re in.

 

00;04;38;20 – 00;04;58;19

Dr. Mona

Yeah, it’s a mess. And I hope you know this. So. I don’t know if my listeners know this, but I record episodes and sometimes I debut it later. Obviously. Then the episode is aired. So, I am recording recordings in January, and it’s airing, around the time of your book debuting, which is April. And here’s the book again, how to deal with your all your stuff is don’t have to.

 

00;04;58;24 – 00;05;17;07

Dr. Mona

But one of the things you talk about is bias, right. And so we can get into that a little bit later because I would love to talk about that. But I just want to get into this. And, you know, I love chatting with you not only as a friend, but as a professional. You already created this amazing book that is my favorite parenting book, which is Raising Securely Attached Kids.

 

00;05;17;13 – 00;05;23;24

Dr. Mona

What made you want to now focus on the parent you know, in terms of here’s what you need to do. What was the inspiration for this book?

 

00;05;23;27 – 00;05;40;17

Eli Harwood

When I was writing Raising Securely Attached Kids. I mean, first of all, I’ve been practicing for almost 19 years, so like, this head and heart of mine are so full of so much information and heartbreak and mistakes that parents have made and all that stuff. So when I was writing Raising Security, Touch Kids, I wrote chapter three.

 

00;05;40;17 – 00;06;00;13

Eli Harwood

Our kids can feel what we don’t heal. And as I was writing it, it was like, oh no, this is an entire book. Like I have to figure out what to do with this chapter in this book, and then I have to figure out how to how to turn this into a book, because it’s it’s the most important work we do for our kids.

 

00;06;00;18 – 00;06;26;09

Eli Harwood

The gift we give our kids is being grounded enough, connected enough, secure enough in ourselves that they trust us to be there for them. Right? And so for all of us, that means different things. You know, some of us are navigating baggage that’s related to childhood abuse. Some of us are navigating baggage that’s related to just disconnection, and some of us are navigating racism.

 

00;06;26;09 – 00;06;38;24

Eli Harwood

Some of those are navigating, you know, ancestors who held racist beliefs, like we’re all navigating different things. But at the end of the day, if we don’t deal with those things, then our children inherit them.

 

00;06;38;26 – 00;06;39;09

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;06;39;16 – 00;06;59;25

Eli Harwood

And if we don’t deal with those things, then our kids will not bring their authentic selves and needs to us. They just won’t. So we have to deal with it. And it’s messy and complicated. So I was like, okay, I’m gonna write another much longer book where that kind of goes through what I know and what the research says and what I think might be helpful, because not everybody gets a secure parent.

 

00;06;59;25 – 00;07;04;09

Eli Harwood

So at least you can have like a paper parent on the shelf to refer to.

 

00;07;04;12 – 00;07;27;15

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I feel it. And, you know, I think you and I have both discussed this not only on our last episode that we did about raising securely attached kids, but also just, you know, you have in that book, you share personal stories. I always talk about those personal stories of my parent, my childhood, and also the mother I became because of life experiences and how it was so important for me to undo a lot of that stuff.

 

00;07;27;23 – 00;07;43;08

Dr. Mona

And I think you and I both agree that this isn’t even just about the kids. Right? Like, I mean, I obviously want to do this for my kids, but I just didn’t like feeling that. Like, why did I want to feel so anxious all the time? I told my therapist when I started working with her the first intake session, she’s like, what do you want out of this?

 

00;07;43;08 – 00;08;03;03

Dr. Mona

And I said, I want to stop living on edge. I want to stop feeling so tense. And I and that started in 2023. And we actually recently had a conversation and I said, we did it. I feel in peace in my body like, and I’m so grateful for you for helping me get there. And she’s like, I’m so proud of you because it just feels good.

 

00;08;03;03 – 00;08;14;19

Dr. Mona

So thank you because we need this. I don’t think people realize it until sadly, they become a parent that they’re like, oh shoot, I gotta I work on this stuff. They just kind of slide by and then their kid brings it all out in them.

 

00;08;14;22 – 00;08;47;09

Eli Harwood

Well, yeah. I mean, before you have kids, you have access often to to more time alone, you know, numbing agents. You know, there are patterns you can engage in before you have kids that you lose, you lose coping mechanism, or you keep using those same coping mechanisms and your kids lose you. So, you know, that’s kind of the goal is like, how do we shed some of those insecure coping mechanisms that we relied on before and replace them with secure coping so that our children get to have us?

 

00;08;47;12 – 00;09;04;29

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Oh, and that kind of leads me to the first question that ties into both books. But of course, the power of the new one. You talk about the idea of secure attachment so beautifully in all the work that you do, especially in that first book that I’ve already read, that it’s built through, you know, experiences kids have with you, small moments, you know, so many things.

 

00;09;04;29 – 00;09;17;27

Dr. Mona

It doesn’t have to be grand. And we just forget that. Can you walk us through the gifts of a secure parent and what we often need to work through in ourselves to be able to offer those gifts of being a secure parent? Yeah.

 

00;09;18;00 – 00;09;38;03

Eli Harwood

So the first gift is feeling that we can handle what they feel. You know, a kid benefits from a secure relationship with us if they sense that they can be tender, they can be scared, they can feel overwhelmed. And then we will most of the time, not all of the time, but most of the time be able to handle that.

 

00;09;38;06 – 00;10;00;25

Eli Harwood

And that means responding to it. That means being compassionate and understanding about it and grounded enough in ourselves that we don’t lose our grounding because they are upset. Right? So it’s like we’re soft enough and sturdy enough that they sense, like, I can get my emotional needs met. I can get emotional support from my parents. So that’s the first gift of the secure parent.

 

00;10;00;27 – 00;10;06;10

Eli Harwood

I’m up. I’m probably going to get these out of order because I have them in order in my book. But so if you’re like looking at the book later like that, you’re like.

 

00;10;06;10 – 00;10;08;00

Dr. Mona

No, yeah, no, it’s okay.

 

00;10;08;07 – 00;10;25;21

Eli Harwood

First of all, I’d be impressed. But okay. So number two, is the gift of feeling that we want them close. This one I want to say it’s the easiest gift to give. I think it depends on how you grew up. So it’s maybe not always easiest gift to give, but I think there’s so much power in this gift.

 

00;10;25;21 – 00;10;46;00

Eli Harwood

If we can express outwardly to our kids that we find delight in their presence and that we have gratitude, that they are ours, that is a massive protection around their heart. That is a massive gift because they’re going to go out into the world and know that everyone’s going to want them. Not everyone’s going to treat them right.

 

00;10;46;00 – 00;11;11;22

Eli Harwood

You know, I think about times my kids have been bullied or rejected, you know, like that’s just reality in the world. And so when our kids can sense from us that they are wanted, there’s a protection there. It’s like, I may not be wanted here, but I’m wanted somewhere. Whereas if our kids can’t feel that we want them close, there are a lot more vulnerable to, you know, sacrificing themselves for insecure relationships out in the world in order to find belonging with people who don’t treat them well.

 

00;11;11;24 – 00;11;37;22

Eli Harwood

Yeah. The third one is the gift of being able to be their full, authentic selves with us. And and that’s the experience of feeling that we’re proud of them for who they actually are. And that means that we figure out how to expand our selves so that our kids can be fully themselves instead of trying to fit our kids into who we think they should be.

 

00;11;37;24 – 00;11;58;28

Eli Harwood

You know, there’s a whole spectrum of things that can get in the way of that, like our beliefs about, you know, what our kids should look like, our beliefs about how our kids brains should work, our beliefs about their identities. And, this gets really tricky, especially as they get into adolescence, because in adolescence, our kids start to really differentiate themselves from us, and they’re kind of picking like, who am I?

 

00;11;58;28 – 00;12;15;14

Eli Harwood

And what do we believe and what I feel about? So that’s where we have to expand ourselves as parents so that our kids can feel. My parent loves me for who I am, not for who they want me to be. Yeah, okay, now I am going to open up my book and make sure that I’m, I’m getting the last two right.

 

00;12;15;17 – 00;12;27;27

Dr. Mona

I love it, you know, isn’t it? You put so much work into this. I mean, as an because as you like, I think my listeners now know that I’m writing a book and, like, there’s so much going into the book and then it’s almost like you write it and it’s like, what did I just write?

 

00;12;28;01 – 00;12;29;07

Eli Harwood

You remember all of that?

 

00;12;29;12 – 00;12;46;09

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Like, hi, I’m writing these amazing things and stories and like, you know, this is so good. And I know this information like the back of my hand. And then I’m like, how did I say it in the book? Because it’s writing on a book. I don’t think people realize this. And writing for a book is much different than writing for a blog or writing on social media.

 

00;12;46;10 – 00;12;52;15

Dr. Mona

Like my agent was like, Mona, you are such. You do so good on social media scripting, but this is different. Like this is.

 

00;12;52;15 – 00;12;54;23

Eli Harwood

288 pages or something crazy like that.

 

00;12;54;24 – 00;12;57;27

Dr. Mona

Like you need to explain. And I’m like, oh, okay, I love it.

 

00;12;57;27 – 00;13;20;07

Eli Harwood

So yeah. Okay. So the other gift is feeling that we understand their perspectives. And this is about our giving our kids the time, the airtime they need and the presents from us that helps them really feel heard by us. And that doesn’t mean that we are bending our boundaries. You know that we are saying like, oh, you can just have this or have that because that’s what you want me to to do.

 

00;13;20;07 – 00;13;40;25

Eli Harwood

It’s saying, help me understand why this matters to you and what’s going on there, so that we can find the solution that doesn’t involve risk to your health or well-being, or to your social belonging or whatever. The thing is. But when our kids can tell we’re really listening, what happens is they learn to listen deeper to themselves and to other people.

 

00;13;40;27 – 00;14;06;10

Eli Harwood

And that is an incredible gift, not just for them and us, but for the world. Right. Being able to really hear people, and then the gift of feeling that we show up for them in the important moments, and there’s kind of two sets of important moments that I think of, which is we show up for them when they’re tender and when they’re struggling, and we show up for them when they’re triumphant and they’re celebrating.

 

00;14;06;13 – 00;14;29;26

Eli Harwood

And so that means that we are at that important piano recital as often as we can be. We are showing up to hear them read the slam poetry that they wrote for their fourth grade competition, and they want us to hear out loud, and we’re celebrating with them about the things that they’re gleeful about. Like, man, there’s such power in our kids feeling us join them in the good stuff.

 

00;14;29;29 – 00;14;47;26

Eli Harwood

And you know, when they’re in pain, it’s our job to show up. Whether that pain feels small or insignificant, and that can be tricky as a parent. I have a whole chapter in here about talking about when we feel jealous of our children because, when you break cycles, you create the reality for your child that wish that you wished you’d had for your own childhood.

 

00;14;47;28 – 00;14;49;02

Dr. Mona

Relatable.

 

00;14;49;05 – 00;15;15;17

Eli Harwood

And so it is totally normal to be in front of your child and they’re in pain and distress about something that wouldn’t have fazed you because it was so far from the level of pain and trauma that you experienced that it seems innocuous, innocuous. That’s not the word innocuous. Innocuous to you. Yeah, yeah. And so, you know, it’s obviously easier said than done sometimes when we talk about these gifts.

 

00;15;15;17 – 00;15;35;06

Eli Harwood

And that’s part of why I wanted this book out there. I wanted parents to go, okay, my kid is sad. I don’t get it because I cannot relate to being sad about that. What do I do? How do I work through that? How can I reconnect with my kids so that I can show up so that when they’re sad about something that seems small to me, I can understand that it’s big for them.

 

00;15;35;06 – 00;15;45;11

Eli Harwood

And part of why it’s big for them is I’ve worked so hard to protect them from the bigger things that I had to go through.

 

00;15;45;14 – 00;15;54;06

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;15;54;09 – 00;16;13;11

Dr. Mona

I love these five things. It makes so much sense. It makes me feel warm, fuzzy, and also validating that it’s what I’m doing with my children. So I love I love that, but, you know, you you know, you meant two things. One, you talked about the showing up, you know, like, for important things. And I want to speak to my experience now being having a very flexible schedule.

 

00;16;13;11 – 00;16;27;24

Dr. Mona

And then also when I didn’t have a flexible schedule because both are real realities. So right now I have a flexible schedule where I’m able to show up to all the things that we may seem as minor. Right? Like meaning that, oh, do I even need to show up to that? But we go and sometimes it’s not both of us, right?

 

00;16;27;24 – 00;16;47;11

Dr. Mona

We pick and choose one parent or the other, and my son will come home and say, oh, mommy, you weren’t there, or daddy wasn’t there. And we’re like, hey, I’m so excited. Daddy took a video and sent it to me, and I am so excited. And then the moments that you’re not able to be there, same thing. If you have a proxy that can go in your place, like, you know, maybe, whoever it is, if you’re working from.

 

00;16;47;11 – 00;16;49;07

Eli Harwood

A grant to Austin neighbor.

 

00;16;49;10 – 00;17;06;16

Dr. Mona

Maybe trying to find a way that we can make someone go, that’s not Mom and dad or are the primary caregivers, but and then looking at the video and if it’s not happening because there have been instances where neither of us can make it just being really honest and saying, hey, I heard you did amazing. And we’re going to make every effort to be at the next one, you know?

 

00;17;06;16 – 00;17;25;02

Dr. Mona

And I set that open sort of that celebration of like, you know, and I, I do believe that we should be celebrating like you, the moments that we think are not that big of a deal, but that are a big deal to them, you know, and I know you don’t need to roll out a red carpet and have a, like, $100, you know, birthday celebration or something.

 

00;17;25;02 – 00;17;29;21

Dr. Mona

Oh, just like, hey, I’m I’m. You did so well that you work so hard. Like, it’s.

 

00;17;29;22 – 00;17;50;19

Eli Harwood

About being emotionally attuned to our kids, you know, that we’re noticing what’s lighting them up, and we are joining them in that lighting up. And then we’re seeing what’s tearing them down, and we’re present for that and empathetic for that. And I think I love the way your brain works so much, because that doesn’t mean so I’m a working mom, too.

 

00;17;50;19 – 00;18;08;16

Eli Harwood

I don’t go to all of the things. I can’t go to all of the things. So that’s really an important differentiation here. It’s not about doing everything and showing up for everything. It’s about doing that enough. And that’s going to be, you know, as much as you can. So let’s say let’s let’s go. Worst case scenario, you’re a single parent.

 

00;18;08;18 – 00;18;39;17

Eli Harwood

You have zero support. You are barely making it by. And you don’t think there is anyone trustworthy to go in your place and you can’t go to those things. Make a tiny, hilarious little drawing of yourself and put in on the back of the drawing tape a little message during each of those triumphant things that that you know having, and you give that to your kid and you say, I can’t be there today because I have to work, but I want you to open this before you do your performance, because this is what I would be saying and doing if I was there.

 

00;18;39;17 – 00;18;51;12

Eli Harwood

And then on that little piece of paper, say, imagine me jumping up and down. My face lit up with the biggest smile you can imagine. Because I think you are wildly amazing and I can’t believe I’m so lucky to be your parent.

 

00;18;51;14 – 00;19;07;24

Dr. Mona

That last phrase that you said it already. Like how we just want them to know how we love them and just feel blessed that they are child, that they’re not a burden. You know, I feel I see I hear it a lot, you know, and again, I’m not I’m not neither you or myself are falling into toxic positivity.

 

00;19;07;24 – 00;19;25;19

Dr. Mona

We both are very well aware that parenting is not hunky dory. I have been there both medically, mentally, all of it. Like, I get it. I’m not just saying it, but I also do believe that I want my child to know that they are so freaking loved and that they are like to me, they’re the bee’s knees.

 

00;19;25;19 – 00;19;41;07

Dr. Mona

Like, I think they’re they’re amazing. And I love that you also said that they you hold the boundary, right? Because as you know, I’m writing a book about this, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t hold a boundary and still hold love like it’s there’s boundaries, but there’s also like there’s no boundary on love that you can get, you know.

 

00;19;41;07 – 00;19;42;03

Dr. Mona

You know. Yes.

 

00;19;42;05 – 00;20;05;10

Eli Harwood

Yes, there might be limits and boundaries to what we can physically do. Yes. But we can still express and offer. And I one helpful thing I have in my mind is parenthood can be extremely burdening, but that doesn’t mean that our kids are the burden. The burden is usually related to, you know, the systems around us, the support that we don’t have, right, based on the world that we’re living in.

 

00;20;05;10 – 00;20;26;19

Eli Harwood

And I think if you are in a moment where you’re feeling burdened by parenting is just really important, that when you’re with your kids, your zip your lip about it, they don’t need to know that they can’t get that. And kids will interpret that as I’m a burden. So when you’re having that feeling, you know, making sure that you are journaling that in a very private locked journal or you’re sharing that with someone you trust and you’re getting that out somewhere else.

 

00;20;26;23 – 00;20;46;24

Eli Harwood

And that to me is dealing with your stuff. So your kids don’t have to write. Like I get that. It’s overwhelming and I, like everybody else, have days in my parenting journey where I’m like, what in the actual birth? Yeah, this is too hard. It’s too much. I want out, I don’t want my kids to go away. I just want them to see I.

 

00;20;46;27 – 00;20;47;26

Dr. Mona

I need our.

 

00;20;47;27 – 00;20;51;05

Eli Harwood

Humans. Yes, I need it. I yeah, it.

 

00;20;51;05 – 00;21;04;19

Dr. Mona

Happens more than I think. Like, I mean, totally and I mean, it was really I mean, we’re recording this on like it happened a few days ago. We’re like, you’re tapped out, right? You’re like, I can’t take all of this right now. And it’s so important to just accept that and hopefully figure out what you’re going to do with that.

 

00;21;04;22 – 00;21;20;28

Dr. Mona

And your example of, like, the parenting is a birding bird. A bird. And I apologize, my, my husband works a lot of night shifts and works a lot of odd hours. Right? Because he’s an air physician and I do a lot of solo parenting on the weekends. And there was one one day, and it again enlightened me of this.

 

00;21;20;28 – 00;21;46;03

Dr. Mona

I need to really reflect on how I communicate where my son, I was frustrated and I was being very irritable and like, you know, snappy. And he didn’t get it. But he’s like, mommy, it’s it seems really hard to be a mommy. And he said that and I and I said, you know, it is hard to be a mommy, but I don’t want my son to think that, like, because of my children, like he’s visibly seeing this mom have a very irritable time.

 

00;21;46;03 – 00;22;03;28

Dr. Mona

And I said, you know what, Ryan? Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. Being a mommy and daddy is very hard, you know? But I always love you. And, you know, I enjoy this. And I got a little frustrated. And maybe I need to fix that a little bit. And it’s. I’ve gotten better. Right? I don’t do that anymore because I’m like, he was saying something so pure.

 

00;22;03;29 – 00;22;21;28

Dr. Mona

Not like mommy, you’re mean or mommy, you’re a bad mommy. He was just like, wow, it’s really hard being a mommy. And I’m like, yeah, and and it is hard. But I don’t want him to feel like you said that because I have to care for him and his his sister that I feel I hate my life. Like that moment that mommy just feels so hard.

 

00;22;22;01 – 00;22;32;10

Dr. Mona

And so now I. And I think part of what your, your book is about and why I’m so excited to reading it is like really trying to catch yourself and understand that it’s you’re human for feeling these ways.

 

00;22;32;10 – 00;22;32;28

Eli Harwood

But.

 

00;22;33;01 – 00;22;52;04

Dr. Mona

You’re also human to change. I want to say, well, I don’t want my kid to have that experience and think that mommy hated me. Like and that didn’t want to spend time with me. And obviously that doesn’t happen. But it was a wake up call, like that moment that I have to watch what I say. And it doesn’t take away the feeling of feeling exhausted and wanting to sleep, but like, they don’t deserve that.

 

00;22;52;04 – 00;23;14;23

Eli Harwood

Like absolutely. Yeah. Okay, so I write in the book that the, the, the chapter that I am most struggling with in my own parenting journey that I wrote about is how to deal with our stress and feeling stressed. And so I think like that is what that moment was, was he was cuing you into the fact that your grown up stress was spilling out over into his world.

 

00;23;14;23 – 00;23;37;09

Eli Harwood

He could feel it and the center at a level that he was feeling responsible in some way of like, I need to figure out how to help mommy with this parenting thing is not a parenting failure for our stuff to spill out around our kids. That is a human part of the parenting process. The goal is that when it spills out, that we notice the impact that it has on them, and we do exactly what you did.

 

00;23;37;09 – 00;23;55;04

Eli Harwood

We go, oh, there’s my stuff. There she is. I see you among my kids when I’m in my stress mess. We’ll say, mom, you’re being so harsh or mom, you’re being so mean. Yeah, those are the two of the kind of your kids response was really, really. Intellectually it was.

 

00;23;55;06 – 00;24;03;26

Dr. Mona

He’s very intellectually evolved. Everyone always says it. He says phrases. And I’m like, where did you learn that for like, he’s he says very insightful things for a six year old. It’s very fascinating to me.

 

00;24;03;26 – 00;24;22;23

Eli Harwood

Yeah, I love it. Yeah. I mean, so when, when our kids are saying like, you know, you don’t love me, they might be saying that because we said, I’m so sorry, we’re going to take a nap or we’re going to go to bed or you have to go to school. So that might just be like an, an outcropping of their, their dysregulation around a limit or a boundary.

 

00;24;22;23 – 00;24;43;28

Eli Harwood

But it can also be a cue that they’re needing us to work on something that’s getting in between them, feeling like we’re really there for them in that sense. Yeah. You know, and I think there’s a there’s a difference between those moments where like, get in the car, get in the car and we all do that. I mean, I can act that out because that is very comfortable in my mouth.

 

00;24;44;00 – 00;24;45;03

Dr. Mona

Yes, yes.

 

00;24;45;03 – 00;25;01;19

Eli Harwood

That is a thing. But that is a different experience for a kid than like, hey kid, I know this is so hard, but we are going to go to school, so I’m going to pick you up. I’m going to put you in the car and we’re going to get through this together. The same set of actions is like we’re putting them in the car.

 

00;25;01;19 – 00;25;20;26

Eli Harwood

We’re holding that limit, but very different experience emotionally. And the difference usually is our awareness of our stuff. You know, and I think that if we can make that a priority of, like, I’m going to really make it a priority, that in my relationship with my kids, I acknowledge that I have stuff and I work on it.

 

00;25;20;28 – 00;25;26;01

Eli Harwood

That goes a long, long way for security with our kids.

 

00;25;26;04 – 00;25;46;02

Dr. Mona

And now, you know, segueing into this book that I’m just so excited is out in the world, the books, you know, the book centers around the idea that kids shouldn’t have to carry the emotional baggage we never dealt with. Right. And so when it comes to insecurities like self-doubt, anxiety, bias, body contempt, I don’t have all the list in front of me of what you’re going into in the book.

 

00;25;46;04 – 00;25;58;05

Dr. Mona

How do these show up in parenting in ways parents may not even recognize? Like, are there ways that you’re like like they’re like, oh, shoot, like me and you’re we’re talking about ways that I actually recognized, but are there other things that you kind of look out for?

 

00;25;58;12 – 00;26;31;07

Eli Harwood

Yeah. So, you know, there’s things that are more obvious. And then there are things that I would say more covert. So if you grew up in a situation that was messy and hard and you coped with that situation by going, it’s fine, it’s not that bad. I’ve got this. You probably have a relationship with denial, and denial plays out with our kids in a really kind of subversive way, where our kids are going through something or experiencing something, and we’re coping with that by reframing it as not as bad as it feels to them.

 

00;26;31;09 – 00;26;52;11

Eli Harwood

Yeah. And our kids won’t always confront that with us because they’ll accept that denial as sort of the litmus test for what they should be feeling. So a lot of the things that, you know, self-doubt, if we’re being hard on ourselves, that doesn’t make our kids more confident in us, that doesn’t make our kids trust us more.

 

00;26;52;11 – 00;27;09;27

Eli Harwood

And so let’s say we mess up or our stress spills out or stuff and we’re like, oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I called this over apologizing. Yeah. I’m done. I’m so sorry. And we’re asking our kids to make us feel better by saying sorry in our head. We’re like, well, I’m apologizing. I’m being a good parent because I’m saying I said something wrong.

 

00;27;09;27 – 00;27;17;24

Eli Harwood

But the experience for our kids is like, it’s my job to regulate my parent and help them feel worthy again.

 

00;27;17;26 – 00;27;19;14

Dr. Mona

What a burden to put on them.

 

00;27;19;14 – 00;27;21;15

Eli Harwood

That’s right. Yes.

 

00;27;21;17 – 00;27;28;09

Dr. Mona

You. No, I mean, we do. A lot of it has happened, and many of us listening probably have had that experience growing up for sure.

 

00;27;28;11 – 00;27;45;01

Eli Harwood

I mean, so, okay, our bias is a chapter that I think a lot of people might be like, well, what? Okay, how does that but yeah, this is something I’ve seen so much in my career as a therapist is that we often have ideas about groups of people in the world. And those ideas, we all have ideas. I mean, I say that differently.

 

00;27;45;01 – 00;27;55;00

Eli Harwood

We all have ideas about different groups in the world, and we all have biases towards groups of people and against groups of people. That’s just how the human brain works.

 

00;27;55;03 – 00;27;56;02

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;27;56;04 – 00;28;15;05

Eli Harwood

And if we are like, well, I don’t that’s not really that’s is not about me and my family. What happens is our kids fall in love with someone in the group that we have a bias against, or they become really close friends, or they get involved in social activism that involves groups of people and that will distance them from us.

 

00;28;15;05 – 00;28;34;04

Eli Harwood

I have seen so many people give their kids secure or secure enough experiences in those younger years and those early lesson years, only to to be deeply at odds with their kids through adolescence and adulthood because they weren’t able to go, wait a minute. Part of my job as a parent is to look at my blind spots. Yeah.

 

00;28;34;05 – 00;28;58;04

Eli Harwood

Who are people that I look down at who are people I’m afraid of, and where I learn those messages, you know, have I learned those from real life experiences and therefore it’s traumatic material I need to work through. There’s a chapter on dealing with feeling traumatized, or have I been given stories about groups of people that I don’t know that well and accepted those stories without meaning to, without understanding them?

 

00;28;58;06 – 00;29;18;04

Eli Harwood

And it’s like we live in a increasingly global world. Our kids are going to be more and more aware of the diversity of humanity. And so if we aren’t willing to work through our biases, eventually our kids are going to lose respect for us, and not feel comfortable coming over for the holidays. I mean, how many people raise your hand?

 

00;29;18;04 – 00;29;29;14

Eli Harwood

Obviously, I won’t be able to see you raising your hand. How many people really struggle to want to go to family gatherings right now because of the biases that your family members have never examined?

 

00;29;29;16 – 00;29;30;08

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;29;30;10 – 00;29;32;04

Eli Harwood

It’s a real problem.

 

00;29;32;05 – 00;29;56;02

Dr. Mona

And raise both of us on the visual if you’re watching. No. And, man, like, it is so deep and it hurts like it’s it’s a little it’s very hurtful, especially like, you know, there’s a, you know, there’s a quote that goes around that like your your children are going to eventually figure you out, right? Like you can you can hide them when, when you’re paying their bills and buying their food and doing all that fat.

 

00;29;56;03 – 00;30;21;07

Dr. Mona

Fine. They’ll probably support you. And that’s, you know, you’re you’re the one who’s taking care of them. But once they leave your home, once they finally explore the world, those experiences, like you mentioned, the people they meet, whether they go whatever college or whatever career they do, they’re going to start to realize, especially as their prefrontal cortex has developed, that they’re like, I don’t like the way that happened, or my mom or dad was kind of this way.

 

00;30;21;07 – 00;30;45;22

Dr. Mona

And that’s a good thing that we start to question things and want to be better people. There is a large reality that many people don’t do that, and they just stay stuck in the the cycle of bias and and racism and all of that stuff. But do you think that the barrier for that it comes down to first what we talked about being humble, being understanding, having the insight into knowing that that’s an issue and wanting to change that.

 

00;30;45;24 – 00;30;56;04

Dr. Mona

And so, like, how can we help those families that just feel like they can’t see it, that they don’t want to do that and don’t want to break these things or, and don’t even know they need to?

 

00;30;56;05 – 00;30;59;25

Eli Harwood

I mean, I think my first invitation is always compassion.

 

00;30;59;27 – 00;31;00;19

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;31;00;21 – 00;31;27;03

Eli Harwood

If you if you were raised to believe that racism is someone else’s problem, sexism is someone else’s problem that happens out there, not in here. And I’m pointing at myself. Yeah, you were raised in a denial legacy, and that denial legacy probably plays out in your life far beyond those things. It’s a tool of coping you were handed.

 

00;31;27;03 – 00;31;47;18

Eli Harwood

And so that tool of coping said the best way to deal with these really messy, uncomfortable, sad realities in the world is to just say, that’s not mine or that’s not real, or that doesn’t happen. And what I don’t want for that group of people is for it to erupt in an estrangement in relationship to your kids.

 

00;31;47;20 – 00;31;48;03

Dr. Mona

 

00;31;48;06 – 00;32;09;15

Eli Harwood

Or or more significant, I’m going to get real deep and hard for a minute, which is something I see a lot, which is kids whose parents have biases against LGBTQ community, who have those identities and who will never share with their parents, who have a much higher risk of completing a suicide. I don’t want that for you.

 

00;32;09;19 – 00;32;34;12

Eli Harwood

Like if your if your world says, oh, I don’t really want to touch that stuff, I hear you. I hope you don’t have to put me in the gift to you and your kids is going to be going on the heroic journey to examine the false narratives you’ve been told about groups of people you don’t have proximity with, in all the friends you’ve been missing out on.

 

00;32;34;14 – 00;32;35;02

Eli Harwood

Like.

 

00;32;35;05 – 00;32;35;25

Dr. Mona

Yeah, so many.

 

00;32;35;25 – 00;32;44;19

Eli Harwood

Friends that you haven’t gotten to know the yeah, things about the world that you wouldn’t know because you don’t live in their body.

 

00;32;44;21 – 00;32;52;22

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;32;52;24 – 00;33;10;03

Dr. Mona

And the food like I have a friend who lives in like I have a friend who, like, lived in middle of nowhere, Ohio, and he just had I’m just he just had some white friends and some black friends. Okay. That’s it. And he doesn’t he doesn’t know. He didn’t even know what the term South Asian was. Which to me I’m like, I’m like.

 

00;33;10;05 – 00;33;29;04

Dr. Mona

And he and I’m like, I’m South Asian. And I use the term he’s like, what do you mean South Asian? And I’m like, I’m that’s the term we use for people from India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka like South Asia. And he didn’t know that. And I also tell him about food and what to order at like restaurants. And I because I grew up in a very Asian diverse community.

 

00;33;29;04 – 00;33;46;07

Dr. Mona

Right. Korean, Filipino, Chinese, you know, everyone Indian. And so that was my identity and my and my life. And so I think about how do we never met and how do we never had this friendship, like how again, he would be closed off. And he also admitted, like the racism and biases that he’s had, and just the way he is.

 

00;33;46;07 – 00;34;10;02

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, thank you so much for changing that, because obviously then we wouldn’t have probably met or wouldn’t have had the friendship that we do, you know, and how lovely. I mean, I think, like you said, you open yourself up to being a well-rounded human by letting go of those biases and going back to what you had mentioned, I think it’s important to remember that biases, opinions, feelings can exist.

 

00;34;10;02 – 00;34;25;26

Dr. Mona

Like, I don’t think you can have an assumption, you can have a feeling, but it’s how you act on it. It’s how you voice it. It’s how you teach your children about it. You know? It’s about like, you know that like, I mean, it’s so everyone has feelings. Like you said, it’s a human nature thing. What are you doing to make it that?

 

00;34;25;26 – 00;34;34;03

Dr. Mona

It’s not an unsafe world for that person. That it’s not it’s unfair world for that person just because of your own biases, you know.

 

00;34;34;05 – 00;34;55;03

Eli Harwood

Well that’s where I think examining your biases is the gift, the gift to yourself and to your kids and everyone else is to be curious about them. Who taught me this? What experience do I have however watched you know, a film written by someone of this group, not just a film portraying this group by someone else, but have I read books?

 

00;34;55;06 – 00;35;14;26

Eli Harwood

Have I engage with the art and the culture and the food of this group? How do I relate to the humanity? Because I guess I believe this with my whole heart. And maybe we can have a debate later on offline. Just kidding. I don’t want to do that. I, I they’re humans are human. And so there is humanity in every group of people.

 

00;35;14;26 – 00;35;41;14

Eli Harwood

And there is also depravity in every group of people. And this kind of notion that, you know, some group is better than other, it’s just a false narrative. The question is, how much do you know about this group and their story and their lived experience? And you know, once you start getting in proximity with people, what you find out is, oh my gosh, there is so much more here in common than there is not.

 

00;35;41;14 – 00;35;55;24

Eli Harwood

And they’re Islamic. That’s not in common. There are circumstances, there are rights, there are traditions. There are beliefs that are not in common. But at the core of it, like people are just trying to take care of themselves and their kids and their communities.

 

00;35;55;26 – 00;36;11;27

Dr. Mona

I know, I, I think I might well, I’m going to read from the beginning, but that’s probably going to be the chapter that I want to jump to about the bias and stuff. I, I feel like I’ve done such a good job. But of course, one of the things I want to remind is that I think when you read a book like this, you’ll kind of start to say, hey, am I doing good?

 

00;36;11;28 – 00;36;30;17

Dr. Mona

Like, can I be better? You know, and I, I’m on a lifelong journey to be better, like, better, humble. I am a lifelong learner, not only in my medical field and parenting, but also just wanting to better self. And so I think this is the kind of book that will do that. And, you know, in the book you also talk about emotional maturity rather than emotional suppression.

 

00;36;30;17 – 00;36;40;09

Dr. Mona

And so what does mature emotional handling actually look like when parents are dealing with things like anger, fear, shame or feeling rejected?

 

00;36;40;11 – 00;37;11;15

Eli Harwood

It looks like I can feel my feelings and so I can tolerate what I feel. I can acknowledge what I feel without going into a more primal blow up or shut down. And so what we want to model for our kids is it’s okay to feel angry. Yeah, that isn’t dangerous. That isn’t actually a risk. The risk is when we don’t reflect on our anger, when we don’t direct our anger in healthy and appropriate ways, when we don’t communicate the needs underneath our anger.

 

00;37;11;17 – 00;37;29;21

Eli Harwood

And so a lot of it is learning how to tolerate what we feel so that we can communicate what we feel and we can be a needs meter, that we can meet our needs and we can notice our needs. You know, we’re that’s sort of my like dorky little needs meter. Yeah. Husband needs meter going. Oh okay.

 

00;37;29;21 – 00;37;48;29

Eli Harwood

I don’t have high needs now what are the needs. How do I respond to that? I mean that’s that’s ultimately our emotions. Are there signs pointing us to our needs or to the needs of others because we can feel emotions not just on behalf of ourselves, but on the help of other people. So when we start to feel something, it’s our job to learn how to understand, oh, that’s that cue, and this is what it’s related to.

 

00;37;48;29 – 00;37;56;18

Eli Harwood

And here’s what I need and what I can do. So we want to show our kids that they can feel. Mark Brackett has a lot of work around this. I don’t know if you know doctor Mike Brackett.

 

00;37;56;20 – 00;37;57;17

Dr. Mona

Yeah, yeah.

 

00;37;57;19 – 00;38;27;04

Eli Harwood

But he’s, the, director of the Yale Studies for Emotional Intelligence, something along that lines. But he wrote a book called Permission to Feel and kind of the whole notion beyond in that research is when we have permission to feel and we can feel without reacting to what we feel, then we can respond to what we feel and that’s sort of the goal of emotional maturity is learning how to respond to our feelings, as opposed to react to our feelings.

 

00;38;27;07 – 00;38;45;16

Dr. Mona

And that is just that, that exact problem that I think we deal with. You know, the there’s it’s so easy to be reactive versus responsive. And I, I, I’m very transparent. And I had to do a lot of work on changing that. And I’ve gotten so much better. And to remind our listeners like you, it takes work to get to that point.

 

00;38;45;16 – 00;39;02;13

Dr. Mona

And a lot of it is reading the right books. See, maybe seeing a therapist working on that. But when you start to do it more, it’s like a it’s like a gratitude jar, like you start to seeing that it’s possible and then it just cycles like it’s like this positive snowball of like, yeah, I can I can respond instead of react.

 

00;39;02;13 – 00;39;21;02

Dr. Mona

And then it feels good. Like, I can’t, I can’t stress how how much this isn’t just about the parenting like it is obviously very important, but it’s about I don’t want to feel irritable and angry, like I just don’t like how it makes my body feel. And also, to be quite frank, from a medical standpoint, that doesn’t do well for your sleep or for your your well-being.

 

00;39;21;02 – 00;39;24;20

Dr. Mona

So let’s make this all about the whole body experience of being a parent.

 

00;39;24;27 – 00;39;45;09

Eli Harwood

Yeah, I love it. Oh, and you know, part of why I wrote this book too is like I encounter so many people who are like, I know I don’t want to do what my parents did, but I don’t know how to give my kids something else because I’m still healing from what happened in my childhood, and it is hard to find that community around that stuff.

 

00;39;45;09 – 00;40;09;07

Eli Harwood

It is hard to find people who have the effort and the time to help you work through what you’re feeling, understand what you’re feeling. Develop emotionally mature habits. Not everybody can afford therapy. Yeah. I also just for anyone who is in that space, I have a, lifetime class course membership situation called the Secure Parent Program, and I have made it a pay what you can program.

 

00;40;09;09 – 00;40;25;08

Eli Harwood

Because honestly, I really don’t care what you can pay me. I really want everyone to be able to have access to as much information as they can. And I have coaches who do support groups, and I have live Q&A with me every month. So if you’re someone who’s like, I literally have no one, I don’t know how to do this, you know, get my book.

 

00;40;25;14 – 00;40;36;26

Eli Harwood

That is going to be a big piece of just helping you get clarity on how do you become the secure parent your kids need. And then, you know, come sign up for the Secure Parent program and get get yourself in some community.

 

00;40;36;28 – 00;40;53;24

Dr. Mona

Amazing. I’m going to be linking that and make sure we have all of that, including your handle and the book and all of that. You know, one other thing I want to ask and then we’ll kind of wrap up here. But, you know, one of the things we talk about is rejection. You know, rejection can feel really activating.

 

00;40;53;26 – 00;41;17;01

Dr. Mona

And I, you know, I see it a lot in my husband. He gets so almost offended, disrespected, like, it just makes him feel so upset, you know, like the feeling of rejection or like, oh, I don’t want daddy or whatever it may be. Can you explain maybe where that can come from? And maybe there’s many reasons. And I think you talk about the difference between big R and little R rejection and why that distinction may matter.

 

00;41;17;03 – 00;41;39;12

Eli Harwood

Okay. So this is one of the longest chapters in the book because it has some incredible nuance. And I want, you know, as you’re listening to this, you may need to dig deeper. But yeah, so rejection, the feeling of I feel rejected by my kid is something every parent experiences. So if you’ve experienced that, it doesn’t mean something’s terribly wrong.

 

00;41;39;12 – 00;42;05;10

Eli Harwood

It might mean your kid is learning how to exert autonomy. They’re learning how to have a separate, you know, agency in the world. It might be that your kid has a secure relationship with you, but that you aren’t their primary preferred caregiver. And that is not about I love mommy more. That is about from an evolutionary perspective.

 

00;42;05;13 – 00;42;24;28

Eli Harwood

Our kids are going to form a primary bond with one person so that if the tiger enters the room, they don’t have to think, well, is it mommy’s day for a hug? The dog is due for a hug. Which one do I go to? They just flee into the arms of the person that their brain has prioritized as number one attachment figure.

 

00;42;25;01 – 00;42;46;02

Eli Harwood

And again, that’s not about loving that person more. That’s not about trusting them. The more that’s usually about, you know, the sometimes that’s just the fact that that was the birthing parent. Sometimes it is about the personality alignment, you know, because and that wouldn’t always be the birthing parent. Sometimes that is about the time spent. Yeah. You know, there’s there’s lots of variables.

 

00;42;46;02 – 00;43;11;09

Eli Harwood

But so, you know, what I would say to your husband is like, that is so hard when you want to be the safe place for your kids to, like, get support when they’re scared, sad, upset, and they always want your wife. They always want Mona. That’s so hard. That’s so painful. But if you can tolerate that feeling and not interpret it as rejection, what will happen as your kids age?

 

00;43;11;11 – 00;43;29;20

Eli Harwood

Is that they won’t have to have that preference in the same way, because as kids get older, they’re they’re more capable of fighting off the saber tooth tiger themselves. So then they they won’t have that same exact preference scaffolding. So, you know, what I would say to them is like, if the kid is crying and, you know, he goes towards them and they’re like, mommy, mommy!

 

00;43;29;20 – 00;43;41;03

Eli Harwood

Instead of being like, why can’t I help you? I love you, I can do this. Don’t do that. Just go. You really want mommy? And they might just by using that melt into your arms.

 

00;43;41;06 – 00;43;43;15

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Because you’re seeing them, right?

 

00;43;43;17 – 00;43;58;06

Eli Harwood

Yes. And and so you pick them up and you go, you really want mommy. And sometimes they just need mommy first. And then let them have mommy let them regulate and then say, oh, that was so hard. Can I give you a hug now to, you know, keep that trust and don’t make it about you. Which again, easier said than done.

 

00;43;58;10 – 00;44;06;17

Eli Harwood

Like that is really hard to do. But so rejection from our kids is going to trigger rejection ourselves. If you have ADHD, you might have higher rejection sensitivity.

 

00;44;06;19 – 00;44;08;18

Dr. Mona

My husband has ADHD, which makes.

 

00;44;08;18 – 00;44;26;25

Eli Harwood

Sense that it’s harder. Yeah. You know, if you have if you’re highly sensitive, that’s also true, you know, or if you have trauma around abandonment and rejection like that can rub up against all of those things. And so your job is to be like, okay, my kid is not unless your child is an adult saying, I want no contact with you.

 

00;44;26;28 – 00;45;01;01

Eli Harwood

You haven’t been rejected by your child, right? The child is is relating to you based on, you know, something you’re doing or not doing or based on nothing related to you at all. And so how you handle that moment is going to develop trust for them. If you can not take it personally, if you can under look underneath the, you know, I hate your mom or I don’t want you or whatever the, the the jerk responses and you can be reflective about that and help your child understand that, it will only make them feel closer to you.

 

00;45;01;04 – 00;45;18;05

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show. Oh yeah, I mean, it happens to me, but I I’ll be honest, like, I, I spend more time with the kids as it is, just because of our schedules. Even though I, we work, I work way more hours.

 

00;45;18;05 – 00;45;38;27

Dr. Mona

It’s just because I work from home. And then my daughter, some like she’ll have her moods, right? She’s a toddler, so sometimes she’ll be like. Like, all on me. Well, not like, literally like koala cubs climbing on my face, like, oh, okay. And then sometimes she’ll be like, the our nanny will be there, and, our nanny will will be in the same room and she’ll go, no, mommy, I want Maggie and no mommy.

 

00;45;38;27 – 00;45;56;06

Dr. Mona

No, no, mommy. Kissy. And I’m like, initially that feeling came and I’m like, oh, but listen, I like birthday, do you? What the heck? And then I was like, okay. And I’m like, hey, mommy loves you. Whenever you’re ready, you can give me a hug. And then a lo and behold, Maggie leaves for the day and she’s like, on top of me and won’t leave me alone.

 

00;45;56;06 – 00;46;13;21

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, hey, at least I got like a few hours of not having something strapped to me at all times. And that’s amazing. And so I look at it as a perspective, because at the at the end of the day, it also comes down to knowing that I am creating secure a relationship with my kids. Right? I know that one moment of them not wanting me doesn’t mean that they never want me.

 

00;46;13;22 – 00;46;32;18

Dr. Mona

Same thing like my husband. And that’s that. Zooming out of understanding that those one moments don’t define right. Look at the big picture of how are you approaching your kid? Are they do they feel safe to come to you? Which I’m pretty sure most of our listeners will say, yeah, my kid really looks out for me. You know, like searches for me wants to be with me.

 

00;46;32;18 – 00;46;40;00

Dr. Mona

But at those moments, I kind of look at it as like, awesome. I’ll be back. Peace out. Like, enjoy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

 

00;46;40;02 – 00;46;46;13

Eli Harwood

That’s, Yeah. Awesome. My child is feeling that there are multiple people in the world that they can have closeness with.

 

00;46;46;14 – 00;46;46;22

Dr. Mona

Yes.

 

00;46;46;23 – 00;47;06;26

Eli Harwood

Ryan. Yeah. And that is absolutely one of the hopes of secure attachment isn’t just that they secure, feel secure with us, it’s that that translates into them feeling secure within themselves and therefore trusting the type of people around them that they, you know, want to be reliant on or closer to. And that’s a good thing. It’s a good thing.

 

00;47;06;29 – 00;47;25;16

Dr. Mona

When I, I just I recorded a podcast with a therapist. His name is Jeffrey Meltzer. He’s therapy to the point on social media and we were talking about protective things we can do for reducing the risk of anxiety and depression like that needs, you know, obviously severe management, things like that. And one of the things he one of the things he talked about is teaching, teaching kids how to play.

 

00;47;25;16 – 00;47;50;10

Dr. Mona

Well, and part of that includes what you just mentioned about understanding that there’s different relationships besides the relationship with you and like having that, like basically from a young age, fostering the importance of community, because how community is for, you know, obviously mental health. Right. And so the concept is there. Right. Like that. It’s mommy’s there. And mommy and daddy, you know, you know, that’s who we are, for our kids.

 

00;47;50;16 – 00;48;09;07

Dr. Mona

But like, I really love that my child has such a very healthy relationship with our nanny because it is healthy for her to know that mommy and daddy aren’t always going to be there. We may not always be at the show, we may not always be there, but how cool it is to have we. We have this community, this, you know, and that’s what humans need.

 

00;48;09;07 – 00;48;12;02

Dr. Mona

And that’s why it can go so hard. Yeah. If you don’t have it.

 

00;48;12;04 – 00;48;31;24

Eli Harwood

Totally. I would say we’re not just wired for attachment, we’re wired for attachment. In the context of community, human beings evolved in groups of people. And so when we’re, you know, thinking about and considering our relationship to our children, we also want to be thinking, who do I have in my life that’s helping to buffer my nervous system?

 

00;48;32;01 – 00;48;53;00

Eli Harwood

Who else can be a support in their life? How can we cultivate the experience of we belong not just to each other, but to the community that we’ve cultivated? Because that helps us all feel more secure and less insane. And, you know, I don’t know how we got into this whole single family unit thing. I mean, and some historians could walk us through that.

 

00;48;53;00 – 00;49;01;10

Eli Harwood

But yeah, that’s been a real bummer for attachment, actually, because at home by yourself with your kids is just enough to make you go Looney Tunes.

 

00;49;01;13 – 00;49;18;15

Dr. Mona

We’re not there for that. Right? And also, I think that’s why Americans struggle with a lot more mental health issues, to be quite honest, like especially mothers and fathers. Because of the Western, because, I mean, so there’s a lot of community in Indian culture, right? The raising of kids is very communal. And here we are very isolated.

 

00;49;18;15 – 00;49;35;11

Dr. Mona

And that is so hard to be isolated in the parenting world. And I felt it when I had no community, I was depressed. I mean, I’m not even going to sure, I was depressed, I was on medication, I had therapy like I was depressed when I do not have community because I felt so alone, even though I knew what to do, like with the kids doesn’t matter.

 

00;49;35;17 – 00;49;45;14

Dr. Mona

Yeah, parenting expert blah blah. It doesn’t matter that I still need help. Like I still need someone to say I’m tired. Like, I just want to talk about things. Yeah, well, to look at you.

 

00;49;45;16 – 00;49;50;05

Eli Harwood

And say you’re doing a great job. Which you are, my dear. You’re doing an amazing job.

 

00;49;50;07 – 00;50;05;05

Dr. Mona

Well, talking about community, this book is part of our community now. So how to deal with your all your stuff so your kids don’t have to? What would be your final uplifting message for everyone listening and maybe to the person who’s like, where do I even begin? Besides getting your book, where do I do?

 

00;50;05;07 – 00;50;27;28

Eli Harwood

Well, I think my final uplifting message is like the instinct to be connected to your kids is wired inside of you. And it may be underneath some things you need to deal with, but it is there and you are deserving of that feeling of closeness and connectedness that you’re going to give to your kids. So don’t just work on being what your kids need.

 

00;50;27;28 – 00;50;51;20

Eli Harwood

Also, look around you and find some of those safe landing spots for yourself, whether that’s a support group or a therapist or I don’t know, a bingo night. Yeah, find a place, you know, in your social world where you feel at rest and at peace. So that as you are giving that to your kids, you can sense that there are places in the world that can give that to you.

 

00;50;51;20 – 00;50;52;18

Eli Harwood

Also.

 

00;50;52;20 – 00;51;15;13

Dr. Mona

I love it. Oh, Eli, always a pleasure. Like second time I’m talking to you. Obviously we talk in between our podcast episodes. And you have a podcast I know, and I’ll be coming on tell us more where everyone can go to find you, your book, your podcast, any resources? I know you mentioned, the community obviously. The as you can pay, but tell us all about that and I’ll be attaching all of those links.

 

00;51;15;16 – 00;51;44;10

Eli Harwood

Okay. Just to make everyone’s life simple, if you go to attachment intercom, there’s a link for my podcast. It’s called the How to Deal Podcast. There’s a link for the Secure Parenting program. All of my books are on there. I know you’ll link to this book separately, but I think just go to attachment intercom and then you can click to all my socials and all my everything and yeah, whatever it is that you need as a parent, I’m working really hard so that you can feel seen and met and all these spaces, because this is how we change the world together.

 

00;51;44;12 – 00;51;46;21

Eli Harwood

We take care of each other. That’s what we do.

 

00;51;46;23 – 00;52;04;14

Dr. Mona

We do. And I love to have you in my community. Thank you so much for all you do. Like I mentioned, not only for the education, but again, that that belief that we can change the world in a loving, positive way without being harsh and angry and bitter and racist and all the things. So thank you so much.

 

00;52;04;17 – 00;52;10;17

Eli Harwood

Thank you. I loved being here with you. Thank you for everything you’re doing.

 

00;52;10;19 – 00;52;32;16

Dr. Mona

What a conversation. I don’t know about you, but when I find someone that I just connect to as a peer, as a professional, as a friend, it just makes my heart so full of love. And that is what Eli does to me. I mean, when we met in person and just had a three hour dinner talking about parenting, talking about social media creation, talking about book writing, all the things I just felt like I had found my person.

 

00;52;32;16 – 00;52;51;02

Dr. Mona

And her book is that if you don’t know, I wrote a blurb for her book that’s actually on the book jacket. And here’s what it says. Eli does it again. Parenting isn’t just about your child. It’s also about you and clearing the emotional baggage that gets in the way of connection. This book gives you the insight and tools to get out of your own way and build a secure relationships.

 

00;52;51;02 – 00;53;10;14

Dr. Mona

Every child deserves. My biggest takeaway from today is something Eli calls the five gifts of a secure parent, and I want to leave you with them because they are simple but profound. The gift of feeling that we can handle what our children feel, the gift of knowing they are wanted and that we delight in them. The gift of being able to be their full, authentic selves with us.

 

00;53;10;17 – 00;53;30;28

Dr. Mona

The gift of feeling deeply understood that we truly listen to their perspective and the gift of us showing up in the important moments when they’re struggling and when they’re celebrating. When you hear those, it’s not about perfection. It’s about awareness, about noticing where our stress, bias, fear or insecurity may be getting in the way of those five things and deciding to do the work anyway.

 

00;53;31;03 – 00;53;51;18

Dr. Mona

This book in conversation is not about blame. It’s about freeing you to turn the lens inward. So all that parenting education actually makes sense. If today’s episode resonated with you, I would love to hear which of the five gifts stood out the most. What you resonated most deeply with in the conversation. Head over to my socials at PedsDocTalk and at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;53;51;24 – 00;54;14;17

Dr. Mona

Join our conversation on our latest post. And if this episode spoke to you, please share it and tag the PedsDocTalk podcast and Attachment Nerd so more families can hear it. Thank you for being here, for being willing to reflect and for choosing growth in your parenting. I will chat with you all next time for another amazing conversation that helps you worry less and know more, and feel more confident as a parent.