So many moms feel they must always be gentle, patient, and nurturing. When intense irritability, sudden anger, or rage bubbles up during pregnancy or the postpartum period, it’s easy to suffer in silence out of fear of judgment. Dr. Mona and Dr. Ashurina pull back the curtain on why parental rage happens, how to recognize the clinical signs of a flooded nervous system, and why getting help early—before reaching a crisis point—is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.

Here are the key takeaways from this episode:

• Perinatal Rage is Wrapped in Shame: Many mothers suffer in silence because societal expectations dictate that moms should always be gentle, patient, and nurturing, making it incredibly difficult to admit to feeling intense anger or rage.

• It Can Start During Pregnancy: Mood shifts and anxiety during the perinatal period are often incorrectly dismissed as “just hormones,” but symptoms of depression, anxiety, and rage can actively begin during pregnancy.

• Depression Doesn’t Always Look Like Sadness: Perinatal and postpartum depression can manifest as extreme irritability, hostility, snapping, and yelling over minor incidents rather than just tearfulness or isolation.

• Driven by Overstimulation and Unmet Needs: Rage is rarely a standalone issue; it is typically a combination of extreme sleep deprivation, sensory burnout, and unmet basic needs like adequate nutrition, rest, or feeling seen and validated.

• Don’t Wait for a Crisis to Get Help: You do not need to be in an absolute crisis to benefit from mental health support; seeking out a therapist early makes navigating care much easier and helps you recover before reaching a breaking point.

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;28;21

Dr. Mona

Welcome to the follow up. I’m Doctor Mona, your online pediatrician and mom friend. And this is your Monday reset, where we revisit a favorite episode of the PedsDocTalk podcast in less time than it takes you to count to ten before you snap again. I’ve been there. Last Wednesday, I released an episode with Cassidy Fridays about her new book, Mom Needs a moment on How to Stop Your reaction before it starts and become a calmer, happier, more connected parent.

 

00;00;28;24 – 00;00;55;00

Dr. Mona

That episode hit home for so many of you. Make sure you get her book. And it made me realize this one was worth bringing back to. Because before you can do the work of becoming calmer, you have to understand the why behind rage. If you have it and accept it because that’s actually happening to you. That is something I have worked through myself, and it’s a big part of why this conversation matters so much to me, and why I wanted to bring it back.

 

00;00;55;02 – 00;01;20;03

Dr. Mona

So today we’re revisiting my talk with Doctor Asher Interim, a licensed clinical psychologist, mom and founder of Psych Mommy on what perinatal rage is, why it shows up, how it shows up, how to know when you need support, and how to actually put words to it with the people that you love so that they can support you. And if you love this follow up episode, which I think you will, go download the full episode that’s in our show notes and do the whole drills.

 

00;01;20;03 – 00;01;38;26

Dr. Mona

Subscribe to the show. Subscribe on YouTube, download, download, download and share this episode on social and tag us at the Startup Podcast, at PedsDocTalk and at Site Mommy so we know it found you. Let’s get into it.

 

00;01;38;29 – 00;01;47;22

Dr. Mona

What exactly is perinatal rage and is there a reason why it happens? Is there a risk factors as to why it may happen? If we can start there?

 

00;01;47;25 – 00;02;05;16

Dr. Ashurina Ream

Yes, absolutely. This is a great question, and it’s something that most parents don’t want to talk about, even when they see their therapist, because it is just riddled with shame. And you feel really terrible about feeling rage because we have this idea and perception of what moms should be like, particularly moms. When we’re talking about moms, moms should be nurturing.

 

00;02;05;16 – 00;02;25;22

Dr. Ashurina Ream

They should be gentle. They should have loads of patience. So when you’re noticing that, hey, I’m really irritable and I’m really angry and I’m rage filled, we don’t necessarily want to share that people, because what would that say about me as far as why is this happening? What we see is that anger and rage can be a product of perinatal depression, anxiety.

 

00;02;25;22 – 00;02;45;22

Dr. Ashurina Ream

It can be a symptom of something like that, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. It can also be an isolated experience. It could be a standalone experience that parents will discuss and talk about. There’s a number of risk factors. There’s a number of vulnerabilities. One, sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation is going to be a huge risk factor for these feelings.

 

00;02;45;22 – 00;03;03;13

Dr. Ashurina Ream

When you think about I mean, when you’re not getting your adequate sleep, how more likely are you going to be irritable to snap at your partner, at your child, or whatever it is that’s in your life around you? So there’s just a number of things, a couple of things that are the most common that show up in therapy with the patients that I meet with is unmet needs.

 

00;03;03;13 – 00;03;24;07

Dr. Ashurina Ream

We have unmet needs, maybe for support, for adequate nutrition, for sleep, like I’ve already mentioned, for feeling heard, seen, validated rest time away, or we’re feeling really overstimulated and burned out. There are so many things that can contribute. Most often it’s not one of these things. It’s a combination of these things that parents are reporting that make them feel more irritable.

 

00;03;24;07 – 00;03;41;07

Dr. Mona

Or is there a way or I guess a not clinical definition, maybe the right word, but is there a way to know, is this like just normal irritability? Or rather, we’re dealing with something like perinatal rage? Like, how would you describe it to someone who’s listening right now that doesn’t know if this is what they have?

 

00;03;41;09 – 00;03;58;10

Dr. Ashurina Ream

Yeah, I mean, this is how I think of it. There’s a number of different things that we can look into here. So when we think of perinatal depression, most often people have heard of postpartum depression. And the reason why we need the word perinatal. Because I want everyone to know that these symptoms, whether it’s anxiety, anger, depression, no matter what we’re talking about, can show up during pregnancy.

 

00;03;58;16 – 00;04;15;00

Dr. Ashurina Ream

Oftentimes, we are led to believe that the feelings that we’re having, the changes in our mood that we’re having during pregnancy, we’re talking it up to hormones, and that’s not the case. I remember, you know, being pregnant and start like, that’s when the anxiety started with my first pregnancy, and I didn’t even recognize it because everyone kept telling me, no, you’re pregnant.

 

00;04;15;01 – 00;04;29;29

Dr. Ashurina Ream

It’s just to be expected. You’re just having the jitters. You’re having. You know, you’re a little nervous. This is all normal. And it wasn’t. So be mindful if you’re noticing shifts in your mood when you’re pregnant. And how do I know if this is like a normal transition piece? Or how do I know if something else is going on?

 

00;04;30;07 – 00;04;52;19

Dr. Ashurina Ream

Well, perinatal depression can actually demonstrate itself. It can present in an irritable fashion. It doesn’t have to. We think of depression as I’m tearful. I’m crying all the time. I want to isolate in my room. That’s not always the case. What can happen is that you are snapping. You are yelling more, and it almost feels like I cannot suppress these feelings.

 

00;04;52;22 – 00;05;21;03

Dr. Ashurina Ream

Your partner leaves a plate on the counter and you just rage filled. You’re shaky, you know you want to snap and it’s not about the dishes, we know that. But it just feels like this out of character presentation of anger and frustration that you didn’t experience prior to pregnancy or prior to this postpartum period, where it feels very out of character for you to present this way, or your child does something like one of the really common experiences that comes up is that my child skip now or they’re not going down for now.

 

00;05;21;04 – 00;05;34;26

Dr. Ashurina Ream

And now I’m really I feel hostile, almost. And I’m going to be honest, I had this experience during my first postpartum experience and I was like, what is this feeling? You know, why am I feeling this? This is not what they told me in the what to expect. But, you know.

 

00;05;34;29 – 00;05;49;28

Dr. Mona

Yeah. So I think it’s talking about it more so that you’re aware that it happens, like you said at the beginning. Like if you don’t know, you’re going to think and you may even just use the word suffer in silence. That’s okay. I’m just gonna let it be when in reality we can get support, you know.

 

00;05;50;00 – 00;06;10;16

Dr. Ashurina Ream

Yeah. And most of the time this stuff is pervasive. It’s showing up everywhere. It’s kind of seeping into all areas of your life. Like how do I know if something is clinical or how do I know if it’s just something that’s fleeting like a situational experience. And we look at that as, okay, like if I were to get adequate sleep or if I were, you know, one of these things were resolved or I even have more support, am I still feeling this way?

 

00;06;10;23 – 00;06;31;27

Dr. Ashurina Ream

Is it really hard to manage? Is it impacting my relationships? Is it impacting how I’m interacting with my children? Is it impacting how I feel about myself? And that’s what we’re looking at. We want to know how does this show up in your life? Is this fairly mild in nature, or does it feel like, gosh, I can’t get a handle on this if I tried and all of my best efforts aren’t working.

 

00;06;31;29 – 00;06;47;28

Dr. Ashurina Ream

But truly, I want to say something that I think is really important. No matter what you are experiencing, if something is bothering you, it’s worth it to get it. Assess it’s worth it to get it checked out. It’s worth it to go see a therapist or a provider, because there’s no such thing as something being, you know, too silly to talk to us about.

 

00;06;47;28 – 00;06;56;10

Dr. Ashurina Ream

Because I gladly would love to talk to parents about this kind of stuff so that you don’t have to feel all these feelings and feel confused and lost and alone.

 

00;06;56;13 – 00;07;13;01

Dr. Mona

And do you feel, I mean, in your maybe clinical experience, but also just what you’re hearing on social with your large platform, do you feel like a lot of moms realize that themselves, or a lot of them being told by partners or loved ones like, hey, I just feel like maybe you’re more irritable or have more rage. Maybe they use that word.

 

00;07;13;07 – 00;07;15;01

Dr. Mona

Or do you see a mix of that?

 

00;07;15;03 – 00;07;31;02

Dr. Ashurina Ream

I see a mix of it. Moms definitely will be like, gosh, I’m so angry. Or they’ll say another word like, I’m feel so bitchy or I feel so, you know, I don’t feel like myself. That is a very big statement I use in my own experience. When I say that to my husband, I was like, I don’t feel like myself.

 

00;07;31;02 – 00;07;48;07

Dr. Ashurina Ream

Something is off, like I just don’t know what it is. And there’s another piece to this is that sometimes moms won’t even notice until they’ve actually like the fog has lifted and they’re on the other side, and they have a greater awareness because when you’re in it, it feels like a sinkhole. It feels like really, you’re deep in there.

 

00;07;48;09 – 00;08;09;27

Dr. Ashurina Ream

You just feel like, I don’t know, I’m barely managing it through every single moment. Then you get to the other side. Yeah. The fog lifts a little bit. You’re like, back then I was not okay. It was. Something was different. I noticed the difference. Now there’s a clear distinction. So it’s just a mixture of things. And sometimes a partner will say, hey, this is what I’m noticing.

 

00;08;10;00 – 00;08;26;02

Dr. Ashurina Ream

And it might not be pretty because they might just, you know, they’re like, they’re just seeing the behaviors. They don’t understand the why. So to them you’re like, think you’re being mean. You’re mean. You’re not your usual self. Definitely. Education goes a long way when it comes to this experience.

 

00;08;26;04 – 00;08;41;25

Dr. Mona

In terms of when a mother knows that she may need help. You already mentioned like she’s feeling like she’s not herself. Maybe this is like she says those words like, this is not me any other things that you want it to add on when it’s time to get help? And what that helped me look like, would it look like therapy?

 

00;08;41;25 – 00;08;47;07

Dr. Mona

Would it look like medication? What would it look like if someone’s dealing with this? And what would that support mean?

 

00;08;47;10 – 00;09;04;19

Dr. Ashurina Ream

So this is where I think it’s challenging, because our words that we use and the way that our experience presented. So they’re vastly different. And so I never want to give like qualifications because I think everyone needs to see a therapist. I think everyone can benefit from therapy. And I think that once you’re feeling that, it’s like, this is too overwhelming.

 

00;09;04;19 – 00;09;28;04

Dr. Ashurina Ream

I can’t manage this alone. I need someone from a very nonobjective, I mean, a feel very objective, you know, non-biased approach to listen to me and offer meaningful support. You can be in very different stages of life. You don’t have to be in crisis. And this is what I always tell people. You don’t want to wait until you’re in crisis to seek out therapy, because when you’re in crisis, the last thing you want to do is be trying to find a therapist.

 

00;09;28;06 – 00;09;53;25

Dr. Ashurina Ream

And, you know, being with that pushback right now, unfortunately, there are a lot of challenges to accessing care. So you want to just say, look, if I’m not feeling my best, if I know I can feel better, if I need additional support, seek out the help of a mental health clinician. It’s never too early, never too early. My caseload is usually just all kinds of things, from people that are in crisis to people who are just adjusting to some of the transitions in life.

 

00;09;53;25 – 00;10;00;01

Dr. Ashurina Ream

So there’s one takeaway it’s never too early.

 

00;10;00;03 – 00;10;21;12

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up, just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;10;21;20 – 00;10;37;02

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.