Have you ever uttered the phrase, “Don’t worry, kids are resilient”? It’s a line meant to comfort us as adults, but what if it’s actually giving us permission to skip over our kids’ real struggles?

In this episode, I sit down with children’s therapist and author Stacy Schaffer to dismantle the massive misconceptions around childhood coping and resilience. Stacy shares her own powerful story of navigating a traumatic childhood under the guise of being the “perfect, shiny” kid , and explains why our well-behaved children might actually be suffering in silence.

In this episode we cover:

• What “kids are resilient” really means, and why we overuse it

• The difference between true resilience and just shutting down

• Why the well behaved, easy kid might actually be a red flag worth paying attention to

• What perfectionism can be a sign of, and why it is not the goal

• The one thing research shows can change a kid’s whole trajectory

• How to actually support your kid without fixing or minimizing what they feel

• Stacy’s own story of being labeled resilient, and what she wishes had been different

Connect with Stacy Schaffer on Instagram @hoperestored, visit her site ⁠https://stacyschaffer.com/⁠ and buy her new book: ⁠https://go.shopmy.us/p-69552166⁠ (paid link)

Check out her new course: Staying Connected to Your Kids in a Digital World. ⁠www.stacyschaffer.com/workshop⁠

00:00:00 – The Danger of the “Kids Are Resilient” Myth

00:02:16 – Meet Child Therapist Stacy Schaffer

00:04:24 – Why Adults Overuse the Word “Resiliency”

00:06:53 – Rescue Parenting vs. Building Real Resilience

00:08:39 – True Resilience: You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

00:12:12 – Stacy’s Personal Story: “Shiny” Coping vs. Safe Containers

00:14:38 – Destigmatizing Therapy & Embracing Imperfect Parenting

00:18:14 – Red Flags: Is Your “Good Kid” Coping in Isolation?

00:23:38 – The Power of Being Seen: Stop Fixing, Start Listening

00:29:26 – Restoring Hope for the Next Generation

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00;00;00;03 – 00;00;23;25

Stacy Schaffer

I think the resiliency is not only of the belief that you can make it through anything that comes your way, but also the ability to know what to do in hard situations and who to go to.

 

00;00;23;27 – 00;00;46;01

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the show. You are listening to the PedsDocTalk podcast in our sixth year. Can you believe it? It’s me. Doctor Mona, your online pediatrician. Maybe your mom friend? Maybe not. I hope I am, if you’re listening to me here for another honest conversation. So you may hear this phrase constantly. Kids are so resilient and to some degree I believe this.

 

00;00;46;01 – 00;01;06;24

Dr. Mona

I agree with it, but it has to be with support from a caregiver. The problem with the kids are so resilient and putting that in quotes is that sometimes resilience could be a child who’s just learned not to ask for help or not to express their emotions, and that’s when resiliency cannot be what we think. So these are not the same thing.

 

00;01;06;24 – 00;01;27;14

Dr. Mona

And mixing the two up can cost a child their emotional health down the road real quick. How do I know that my own school-age child, who is six years at the time of this recording, is actually building resilience and not just quietly coping? It is not that he never falls apart, it’s that he does and he knows that he can come to me or his father.

 

00;01;27;17 – 00;01;54;11

Dr. Mona

A difficult Lego build. Difficulty with math, reading, a difficult moment with a friend, losing a game he really wanted to win. He has cried, he has gotten mad. And then he says the thing I care about most. Mom, I need to tell you something, dad. I’m feeling upset that is the whole ballgame right here. Resilience is not a kid who never struggles or who’s just pushed it down and just goes with the flow with everything.

 

00;01;54;13 – 00;02;16;14

Dr. Mona

It is a kid who has struggled and still reaches for you instead of shutting the door, but also can learn skills to get out of those situations because hello, we taught them. So today I’m joined by Stacy Schaefer, a child’s therapist with over 20 years of experience working with kids, teens, and families, and the author of With Love from a Child’s Therapist.

 

00;02;16;16 – 00;02;35;15

Dr. Mona

Stacy and I get into what resilience actually is, how it’s built over time. The red flags that a well-behaved kid might be coping alone sounds like me, by the way, and what kids actually need from us instead of fixing or minimizing, she also gets personal about her own childhood and what she wishes the adults around her had understood.

 

00;02;35;15 – 00;03;03;27

Dr. Mona

And I love when my guests and myself get personal on the show. This one is going to shift how you think about that phrase kids are resilient for good. Make sure to subscribe and download this episode wherever you listen and share it to your stories. Tagging me at PedsDocTalk, the PedsDocTalk podcast, and Stacey at Stacey Stacey why she has for because someone in your circle needs this conversation too.

 

00;03;04;00 – 00;03;09;20

Dr. Mona

Let’s get into it.

 

00;03;09;22 – 00;03;12;05

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me today Stacey.

 

00;03;12;05 – 00;03;15;14

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited.

 

00;03;15;17 – 00;03;33;05

Dr. Mona

Me too. You know, obviously this work resiliency coping we’re talking about that today I’m going to you know we’re going to chat a lot about that. Maybe some misconceptions what we should be teaching our kids. But before we continue tell me what the impetus was to write that book of yours, children’s as a love from a children’s therapist.

 

00;03;33;05 – 00;04;04;02

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah. So, like you said, I’ve been in practice for quite some time, and so there were a lot of things that I was hearing over and over from kids and teams, that I was like, I want this information to get to the greater world. Because, you know, there’s like the limits of confidentiality. You know, yourself, someone else who you but there are a lot of things that, like, fell in the gray and I’m like, therapeutic care.

 

00;04;04;04 – 00;04;24;18

Stacy Schaffer

It shouldn’t be. But it’s a luxury in our country. Yeah. And I want people who will never have access to hear these conversations, too. And then about a decade ago, I started doing my own healing work, and I was like, maybe I can take some nuggets from that. And so.

 

00;04;24;20 – 00;04;41;13

Dr. Mona

Love it. And, you know, a lot of what we’re going to talk about today is the term resilient, what it actually means, what we should be really teaching our kids. And I think we hear the phrase a lot. Kids are resilient all the time. And it’s usually meant to reassure the adult, why do you think we overuse that phrase?

 

00;04;41;13 – 00;04;47;05

Dr. Mona

And what do you worry that it can allow adults to skip over when kids are actually going through hard things?

 

00;04;47;08 – 00;05;13;01

Stacy Schaffer

For sure. I think that it’s a buzz phrase, and like, it makes me want to stand up on soapboxes and be like, yeah, but like, what are the adults in therapy talking about? Like their childhood? And so I think that it we’ve gotten used to it as a term that makes us feel better, like the kids are fine and yes, really, what other choice do they have?

 

00;05;13;03 – 00;05;38;28

Stacy Schaffer

You know, they like to carry on, but I think that we are missing teaching a lot of coping skills, like in order to like earn, if you will, like that resilience. Because I feel like there’s one thing about like coping in a healthy way and there’s another idea of shutting it down. And I think that that’s what happens a lot, because we don’t know what to do for our kids.

 

00;05;38;28 – 00;05;42;22

Stacy Schaffer

And we’re like, the kids are fine, right? Yeah.

 

00;05;42;24 – 00;05;59;01

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And do you feel like it’s more so that when we say that the kids are resilient, that then the parent is not actually teaching them about real resiliency and what that looks like? Or do you think it’s just like a aid of like, hey, he’s going to be okay, we don’t need to deal with this issue or they’ll just get through it.

 

00;05;59;04 – 00;06;23;02

Stacy Schaffer

Yes, I mean, I think it’s a combo, but really we as the grown ups, we weren’t taught skills. And so, you know, we we carried on. It’s different now. Like there’s more social emotional learning. But I feel like a lot of it is just feeling inadequate about how to support our kids. Like is like, well, I don’t know, toughen up, little buddy.

 

00;06;23;04 – 00;06;41;25

Stacy Schaffer

And I’m here for you. Which, you know, I’m here for you is an important phrase to say, but it’s like, what does that mean? What can they, what can we offer our kids in a better way so that we’re just not shoving it down so that 30 years from now, they’re talking about that incident in therapy?

 

00;06;41;28 – 00;06;53;25

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And what are some of those things that we should be noticing when they’re when we’re accidentally using that phrase and noticing maybe they’re going through a hard thing. What can we do that maybe can actually build true resiliency in that moment?

 

00;06;53;28 – 00;07;23;18

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah, I think, like a lot of times we want to rescue our kids from situations, you know, they have. Yeah, there’s there’s a wide spectrum of issues. Right. Like there’s one difference between being, like, horrendously bullied and a kid doesn’t like you in class because people are allowed to not like you. Right. And I feel like sometimes we’re like, oh, we don’t want them to be in that particular environment.

 

00;07;23;20 – 00;07;49;00

Stacy Schaffer

So we’re like, we will, we’ll take you out of that because we are observant parents and we will save you from that. When really in that particular scenario, just what I’ve come up with, that, in that particular scenario, a better way would be like here, here’s how to stand firm in yourself. Here are some like mental strategies when they’re being irritating.

 

00;07;49;03 – 00;08;00;02

Stacy Schaffer

Here’s how to remove yourself, like at lunchtime from the table instead of like, completely revoking access to anything hard.

 

00;08;00;05 – 00;08;08;05

Dr. Mona

And I’m just curious if for someone who’s listening, what would be your definition to describe what true resilience should be in a child?

 

00;08;08;07 – 00;08;30;28

Stacy Schaffer

I, I think that resiliency is the not only the belief that you can make it through anything that comes your way, but also the ability to know what to do in hard situations and who to go to, right?

 

00;08;31;01 – 00;08;39;21

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;08;39;23 – 00;08;57;00

Dr. Mona

Such a good, important nuance at the end about how we can get through hard things, but that we don’t have to do it alone, right? That to me is, like you said, true resiliency. Yeah, adults need that as well, because I think when we talk about this whole label of kids are resilient, I think a lot of adults can feel the same way that they may be.

 

00;08;57;00 – 00;09;15;06

Dr. Mona

They have been labeled as resilient because a lot of their parenting when they were younger was like brushing it off. And so now they’re like, well, yeah, I’m resilient, but are you sure you’re really resilient or are you sure you’re not not listening to your actual feelings that are lying underneath, and know that you can rely on other people, that you do not have to do it alone.

 

00;09;15;08 – 00;09;27;19

Dr. Mona

So I feel like that’s the mistake that’s being made, is that we’re thinking that kids are capable of handling it alone, and that because we put that label on them of, oh, you’re resilient. It’s fine that they feel like they have to handle the world alone.

 

00;09;27;23 – 00;10;03;27

Stacy Schaffer

Because as adults, we weren’t always equipped with how to handle scenarios. Yeah. That we we really obviously nobody wants their kids in pain. And so we want them out of pain as soon as possible. And sometimes that pain is a mirror to what we didn’t get or what we needed when when we were younger and didn’t receive. And so I think that the more work that we do as adults like to do our own therapy, have our own authentic relationships, show up as much as we can.

 

00;10;03;29 – 00;10;22;17

Stacy Schaffer

That ultimately benefits our kids. And they they’re able to have a model of, I can do hard things and be okay. And also I don’t have to shove it down because yeah, like spoiler alert, it comes back in other ways, in outside ways.

 

00;10;22;19 – 00;10;43;29

Dr. Mona

And we’re going to get into obviously some of your own experiences, dealing with coping versus resilience. You know, like was it actually coping or was it resilience. But before we get into that, when people talk about resilience, it can often seem like it’s a personality trait that kids either have or don’t. But do you feel like it can be learned and how is it actually formed over time?

 

00;10;44;06 – 00;10;48;24

Dr. Mona

And why are we so important as the grown up in these children’s life to help cultivate it?

 

00;10;48;27 – 00;11;10;01

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah, I mean, I think that, like, you live long enough and you go through something hard right? Yeah. Like that. A lot of the hard things that we deal with are not predictable. So we, you know, we as humans try as hard as we can to have predictability because that makes us feel safe. But there are things outside the box that happen.

 

00;11;10;04 – 00;11;34;21

Stacy Schaffer

And so I think that, you know, how issues and how trauma and challenging things like it lands different for everybody based on a million things temperament, and demographics, a lot, a lot of, of things. Right. But I, I think that it’s important to know the kid in front of you, in order to see, like, okay, like, what kind of support do they need?

 

00;11;34;24 – 00;11;51;04

Stacy Schaffer

Because I know for me, I never found myself in a textbook, ever. And so it’s like the people that, like, could have, should have supported me, needed to know the kid in front of them in order to best support.

 

00;11;51;11 – 00;12;12;04

Dr. Mona

I agree, and you know, you have said your own experiences have sort of, I mean, inspired your book, inspired the work that you do, and you’ve shared openly about your own traumatic childhood and how you navigated it. Looking back, what parts of your coping do you think were mistaken for resilience, and what do you wish the adults around you had understood or done differently?

 

00;12;12;07 – 00;12;39;29

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah, I mean, I, I was what I like to call shiny. And so, you know, I like had this like this polished persona that, you know, got the good grades like had the friends was in the activities. But inside I like I was dying like it was you know, there was so much pain. But I think it’s important to note that a kid cannot be fully themselves if there’s not the safe container.

 

00;12;40;01 – 00;13;08;09

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah. You know, I had my most favorite teacher in high school. Amazing. Left me a review on Amazon that made me sob so amazing. But she alone wouldn’t have been enough to support me because I didn’t have a safe container around me. And so I think that it’s so beautiful. I respect so much the parents that bring their kids to counseling, that are listening to your podcast because they want to do better.

 

00;13;08;12 – 00;13;20;21

Stacy Schaffer

Right? Yeah. Like help. Like I recognize I don’t know everything. And I think that is the first step. Like is like I, I want to know better, do better, help me.

 

00;13;20;23 – 00;13;44;25

Dr. Mona

I, you know, I had done another podcast episode about like three things that I think every parent should have. And one of them is humility, you know, and the other one is understanding that you are not perfect. Right. And I think that is a really hard skill for a lot of adults. And it’s something that I think when people think about humility and it’s a it’s a great example of what you just mentioned, that you do not need to be the best, and you may need to help your child in ways that support them.

 

00;13;44;25 – 00;14;04;04

Dr. Mona

You know, like going to see a therapist, getting them help through a hard time that is not making you any less of a parent. That’s actually making you a better parent to realize there’s an issue. I can’t handle it alone. So now who are my resources to help me cultivate this for my child? And I think that humility has made me a better parent.

 

00;14;04;11 – 00;14;26;12

Dr. Mona

I think it’s helped cultivate that resiliency in my child to write like causes, like I think I think more about my six year old who’s really absorbing all of these concepts. Like he sees that if I can’t figure something out, my husband can’t figure something out. We are going to help him. And so, you know, I often I often joke about this, but sometimes people will threaten on social media like, oh, that person’s going to need therapy.

 

00;14;26;12 – 00;14;37;29

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, why are we looking at therapy is such a bad thing, like therapy is a good thing. And I think and every single adult and human in this world could benefit from a quality therapist.

 

00;14;38;03 – 00;14;39;08

Stacy Schaffer

Like.

 

00;14;39;11 – 00;14;58;12

Dr. Mona

I mean, you think about all these things that have happened, right? The things that were mistaken for resiliency and all of this baggage that we carry. So I don’t look at as an insult. I look at it as like, hey, if if my kid ever needed a therapist, the best thing I can do as a mother is to support him and say, hey, I did the best I could, but I can’t control everything.

 

00;14;58;12 – 00;15;07;00

Dr. Mona

But what I can help you with is getting you the support that you need. And I think, would you agree that that’s one of the components of creating that resiliency and that safe space container?

 

00;15;07;03 – 00;15;14;16

Stacy Schaffer

And I think that what’s beautiful about your child’s generation, yeah, is that the stigma is changing.

 

00;15;14;18 – 00;15;14;28

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;15;15;05 – 00;15;29;01

Stacy Schaffer

You know, like I’ll go through with kids like if you see me in public, I can’t say how do you because that to me and they’re like, why? And I’m like, well, you might use a friend. They might be like, who was that? Why she was so much purple? And those are questions you can’t answer because like, I don’t know.

 

00;15;29;04 – 00;15;48;11

Stacy Schaffer

And and they’re like, but why wouldn’t I just say you’re my therapist? I mean, you can but and so I think that they are having more awareness of that and at the same time, like, parents will call me and say, I think, I think I broke my child. And I’m like, first of all, your kids are broken.

 

00;15;48;13 – 00;16;00;27

Stacy Schaffer

Second of all, your kid is being raised by humans. So there is a margin of error there. Like the fact that desire to do better is, in my opinion, more than half the battle.

 

00;16;01;00 – 00;16;17;18

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I love that you just phrase it so simply. We’re raised by humans, and humans are fallible. Like, again, because I do a lot of parenting guidance, right? My content is very parenting focused, and I’m in the process of writing my own book, which is a beast now, which is a huge beast. I mean, it’s so stressful.

 

00;16;17;19 – 00;16;19;25

Dr. Mona

I like I love it, but it’s like, man, like.

 

00;16;19;26 – 00;16;21;14

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah, it’s well, I know part.

 

00;16;21;14 – 00;16;46;23

Dr. Mona

Yeah, like but part of it is like, again, the fallibility of of humans and trying not to be perfect. Like that’s not the goal. Like the goal is to know what you know and know what you don’t know and understand that you are a humble person, that that I can’t do this thing alone. And that’s, I think, where success happens as a parent not knowing and reading every book and saying, okay, I’m going to do this the right way because there can be very there can be variances to the right way or, you know.

 

00;16;46;23 – 00;17;15;18

Stacy Schaffer

Absolutely. And, you know, and I try not you know, my mom died in 2001 and and so like a lifetime ago, same year September 11th and I and so things could have evolved and you would you would hope they would have but if my mom had had a, a podcast, like listen to a podcast, a book got some like humility with like parenting support about not being perfect.

 

00;17;15;20 – 00;17;35;06

Stacy Schaffer

The entire trajectory of my life would have been different. And that’s why I’m so passionate that I’m like, I want kids to have a better experience than I did, you know? And that, like, these parents are like, what can I do to to make my world better so that my child has a better world? And that’s so beautiful.

 

00;17;35;06 – 00;17;36;14

Stacy Schaffer

Like, are you kidding?

 

00;17;36;16 – 00;17;53;16

Dr. Mona

Yeah. It’s so beautiful. And it seems when me and you are talking, it seems so easy because I think we both have that insight now. But why? I’m so grateful to have these conversations on the show is that someone is consuming this and saying, oh yeah, like, I could do this differently. And that’s the point of the podcast and my platform.

 

00;17;53;16 – 00;18;14;04

Dr. Mona

It’s like, not judgment, not anything more than how can we be better people, not only for our kids before ourselves as well. And I think you’re doing that work. The next question I have is, you know, a lot of kids who are described as strong or easy don’t always ask for much, right? Like that well-behaved kid people society may say, wow, like they’re just so good.

 

00;18;14;06 – 00;18;25;06

Dr. Mona

What are some red flags that a child, so-called resilience. Good behavior. Such a good kid might actually be a sign that they’re coping alone or shutting parts of themselves down.

 

00;18;25;10 – 00;18;52;03

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah, it’s like a question I see. A lot of kids, so I, you know, specialize in anxiety. So I see lots of anxious kids and I see lots of perfectionist kids. And it is interesting, you know, they’re going along in their life. And then there’s like a be on a test, you know, and they fall apart. And the a parent will be like, but that’s not the expectation at home.

 

00;18;52;06 – 00;19;22;02

Stacy Schaffer

And then like it is their own internal drive. And so I think that like if you are paying attention enough to your kid and you see like that, like a surface is scratched and like, and things just are really, really traumatic with their responses that, that to me is a flag. You know, I think I hear it literally every day and kids are like, the, the mental, toll that it takes to not be perfect.

 

00;19;22;05 – 00;19;45;26

Stacy Schaffer

And so I think it’s, I, I love the idea of teaching kids that that’s not the goal, but perfectionism because it’s not real. It is absolutely not real. You know, like, I like a a kid, a young kid was having this, like, embarrassing challenge to him that the dad was talking about. And I said, and it was really to the body.

 

00;19;46;02 – 00;20;14;07

Stacy Schaffer

And I said, did you know that, I broke a couple of teeth in my sleep because I was so anxious, and now I have this mouth guard and the kid’s like, why? And I was like, because I’m not I’m not a perfect human. Like, because I have a body and things can fall apart. And like, it’s like if you have the I’m like, buddy, if stick around for a while, there’s a, there’s a lot going on in here.

 

00;20;14;09 – 00;20;34;19

Stacy Schaffer

But I think to model to kids that, yeah, things can happen. Things can go wrong in your the structure of you. You’re still okay. You’re okay. And so I think having those conversations but it’s really the perfection is not ideal and not the goal because it’s not real.

 

00;20;34;22 – 00;20;47;06

Dr. Mona

And and in terms of like the signs that there may be coping alone. Right. So perfectionism might be a way of the how they cope with the world. Is there any other things that show that they might be shutting themselves down or coping alone, when they actually might need help?

 

00;20;47;08 – 00;21;12;13

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah, I mean, I think it’s important to look at like your kids support network, you know, that, you know, you know that the research shows that one adult outside of a parent that’s invested to save a doll, like, can change the trajectory of things for a kid. I think if if there’s, there’s not anyone that your kid is getting like older support from that you trust.

 

00;21;12;16 – 00;21;32;03

Stacy Schaffer

It’s it’s hard to know if your kid isn’t talking to you. I think that just the reality is that we all have feelings and we all have needs, right? And so if your kid is not communicating any of those to anyone, that’s probably something to look at.

 

00;21;32;05 – 00;21;41;03

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;21;41;05 – 00;22;04;06

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Very true. You know I think about my own childhood I was a perfectionist. I was labeled that very resilient independent kid. And not to say that you can’t have a resilient independent kid who’s truly resilient independent. But what I lacked was that sort of emotional support for failure. What I lacked was that emotional support of understanding that I don’t have to be perfect, the people pleasing.

 

00;22;04;06 – 00;22;23;05

Dr. Mona

Like, I mean, there’s just so many characteristics that came down or the shutting down of parts of my identity which was I was a very vocal person, meaning I liked. I was very like I wanted to stand up for people, stand up for things. And that was often shut down by my parents, you know? But it was definitely the parts of me that just weren’t able to be myself.

 

00;22;23;05 – 00;22;38;03

Dr. Mona

And then as you get older, you sort of realize, like, all of this sort of, oh, she’s such a good girl. She’s so, you know, she pays attention. It was my anxiety. It was my perfectionism. It was my rule. Following that made it really hard to cope as I got older. Yeah, I was like, dang, life isn’t good.

 

00;22;38;04 – 00;22;40;06

Dr. Mona

Life can’t always support that sort of behavior.

 

00;22;40;06 – 00;23;10;00

Stacy Schaffer

Correct? Yeah. And I and I think it’s so tricky because we’re like live in such a fast society. So there’s just so much going on at all times. And, you know, I don’t want parents to feel anxious, like, oh my gosh, like I’m missing it. I think you know that if we’re if you’re in the tombs, like at least some of the time, like, I think the research shows that like 20%, like being attuned, 20% like, can make like the biggest difference.

 

00;23;10;00 – 00;23;18;10

Stacy Schaffer

Obviously you’d like more, but I think being like, in touch with the people that you care about is never a bad thing.

 

00;23;18;12 – 00;23;38;08

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And one other thing is that I think I see a lot in my generation. I, I would hope this is going to change. And maybe our conversation can help is that when kids face hard things, parents often want to jump to fixing or minimizing, and there’s that sort of happy balance in the middle, in my opinion.

 

00;23;38;08 – 00;23;57;16

Dr. Mona

Right. Like being able to get that art of like letting them figure it out. But again, as we talked about earlier, knowing that you are there, if they can’t, I mean, yeah, it’s kind of parenting in a nutshell at the most fundamental level. What do kids actually need from adults to cope with adversity in a way that supports their long term emotional health?

 

00;23;57;18 – 00;24;22;11

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah. I’m so glad that you said that I did. I believe it was last week, a social media carousel about, arguing with people about their feelings and how that’s, like, not a good idea. And, it made me think, because I went through this hard thing and I had a friend would literally argue with me about what I was feeling, and I was not feeling seen.

 

00;24;22;16 – 00;24;43;01

Stacy Schaffer

They were trying to give me examples that had nothing to do, and they were a well intentioned, thoughtful, amazing friend and they were missing me. And so, like I wrote in this carousel that happens to kids all the time, you know, because I think at the fundamental level, we all want to be seen, we all want to be heard.

 

00;24;43;03 – 00;25;11;23

Stacy Schaffer

And I think seeing and hearing someone does not mean you have to agree, you know that. But my friend could very well and obviously did disagree with my experience, but I wasn’t. She was just missing me. I was not being seen in that. And so therefore I shut down. I don’t talk about anymore. You know something. You you’re, you’re not seeing like the, the thing that I am dealing with newer arguing against it.

 

00;25;11;26 – 00;25;39;24

Stacy Schaffer

And how often do we do that with kids. No no no. You’re like you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine. No, you’re making new friends. We some of those things can be true, but we’re missing a good chunk of like. And so I, I like a good directive to say help me understand what it’s like to be, you know, help me understand, because I think that the generations obviously changed.

 

00;25;40;00 – 00;25;58;25

Stacy Schaffer

But kids today are dealing with things of generations before did not. So when you say I was I was a kid once two. You’re missing your kid. You’re missing okay. Because there’s a lot of similarities of like curfew and rules and all those things, but it’s a different time. Have you been outside?

 

00;25;59;02 – 00;26;16;20

Dr. Mona

It’s yet on social media. I mean, social media, the academic pressures. I mean, there’s definitely a different world. And I feel that even just by raising kids that are younger, you know, I have like a school aged kid, an A and a toddler. But, you know, I, I feel that. So my, my feeling is that kids want to be seen and heard.

 

00;26;16;20 – 00;26;37;00

Dr. Mona

And that’s what parents tend to not want, tend to forget to do. And, you know, kind of my example that I, it runs in through my head is like when a kid falls, like I do believe there’s a very, very important medium of like not overexaggerating and being like, oh my God, my poor baby, but also not being like, hey, just doesn’t matter.

 

00;26;37;00 – 00;26;55;00

Dr. Mona

Like, hey, it’s okay, come over here. Is something hurting you? Is a do you need me like that to me? Is that happy medium of again you said it beautifully like meeting them where they are. I think a lot of the mistakes I’m. I’m seeing, and I’m curious if you feel the same, is that we tend to put our own insecurities and our own feelings into their situation.

 

00;26;55;00 – 00;27;18;10

Dr. Mona

So like, let’s say if a peer rejected them, we get into the sort of, oh, you must be so mad or or oh my God, I need to fix it for you, rather than just doing what you just said is, how does this feel for you? Right? What are you feeling? What have you done? And then guiding? I think there’s just so much inability to just step back and say, I can support you without fixing you, and I can support you without minimizing your experience, right?

 

00;27;18;17 – 00;27;40;12

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah. Because I think a lot of times of hands are like are trying to fix things that they needed with. Yes. You know, like there, there is like subway stop with that. But approach is everything. You know, I have a kid that that like something that that they where a parent is afraid they’re going to be bullied and in junior high.

 

00;27;40;15 – 00;28;01;05

Stacy Schaffer

And so they’re like, I feel like my parents are not seeing like they’re not saying it like this, but I’m over here. My mirror isn’t like saying like me, because they just really don’t want me to be who I am because that is what they’re hearing. Yeah, they’re like, they need to be different. And I’m not going to be bullied because I’m like stronger than that.

 

00;28;01;07 – 00;28;09;17

Stacy Schaffer

And so I think it’s it’s so hard when we try to insulate our kids because they live here, you know, they live here.

 

00;28;09;20 – 00;28;22;13

Dr. Mona

And so for parents listening today who want to do better but feel unsure if you could leave them with one shift in how they think about resilience, coping, support, what would you want them to take away? I, I.

 

00;28;22;13 – 00;28;47;14

Stacy Schaffer

Would want them to say the first thing that comes to mind is to have some conversation that okay, and I say this a lot to kids, like when, you know, they’re telling me about a scenario, I’m like, if you let’s say you had this conversation again with this person, they couldn’t talk back. They would actually hear you. They can’t argue with you and you’re going to be hurt.

 

00;28;47;18 – 00;29;15;02

Stacy Schaffer

What would you said? And like it’s a it’s amazing. Kids are profound. You know they’re they’re like well actually I would say you know, but they’re not going to say the thing because of all of those like relational consequences. So I, I would say, what would it be like if you had a conversation with your kid and you kind of introduce some of those things like you’re like everything is like is you’re not going to have consequences.

 

00;29;15;02 – 00;29;26;09

Stacy Schaffer

I’m not going to bring it up passive aggressively later, I’m going to hear you. What am I missing? So like that could change things dramatically for people.

 

00;29;26;12 – 00;29;38;07

Dr. Mona

So good Stacy thank you so much. Now I always ask my guests these now because I just love hearing your perspective. What are what is something that you’re excited about in your life right now. And what is something that gives you hope.

 

00;29;38;10 – 00;30;05;16

Stacy Schaffer

Something I’m excited about in my life? I’m working on making a course. Love it. And, about, kids and social media. And so I’m, I’m really, really looking forward to that. What gives me hope? I like is this this generation of kids, they’re amazing. They’re absolutely amazing. And they know terms. They’re. I’m like, what would that mean?

 

00;30;05;19 – 00;30;10;24

Stacy Schaffer

They don’t always use them correctly. Yes. It’s not everything is gaslighting kids. Not ever.

 

00;30;10;25 – 00;30;12;17

Dr. Mona

Yes, yes.

 

00;30;12;20 – 00;30;13;07

Stacy Schaffer

But or.

 

00;30;13;11 – 00;30;14;17

Dr. Mona

Not everything is a trigger.

 

00;30;14;17 – 00;30;46;01

Stacy Schaffer

Or tool. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like, just because he’s on TikTok doesn’t mean that’s your diagnosis. Yeah. Like that. That parents and kids like that we’re increasing daily with like, social emotional learning and that gives me so much hope, has me so much hope because it’s it’s a different world than I grew up in. And so my hope is that, you know, kids have consistently less hard times than generations before.

 

00;30;46;03 – 00;30;57;08

Dr. Mona

Thank you Stacey, I love I love that that was so sweet. Thank you so much for that answer and for everyone. Tuning in, where can they go to stay connected, get all your resources, learn more, get your book.

 

00;30;57;10 – 00;31;23;26

Stacy Schaffer

Yeah, it’s on my website and I’m sure it’ll be in the show notes because there’s a million ways to spell my name. But it’s Stacey shaver.com, and on my website, there’s a free resource about five things parents need to know in 2026. You can also get the first chapter of my book on the my website, or have a link to my book and, there’s a way to contact me and then my Instagram is hope restored.

 

00;31;23;28 – 00;31;37;25

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much. You have restored hope and I love that. That was the last question I asked you. I actually didn’t connect that because normally I ask that question to a lot of my guests lately about the hope. But you are restoring hope with these conversations. Thank you so much Stacey. This was an amazing conversation today.

 

00;31;37;28 – 00;31;41;29

Stacy Schaffer

Thank you so much for having me.

 

00;31;42;01 – 00;32;00;13

Dr. Mona

That conversation with Stacey is one I will be thinking about for a while. And if I had to leave you with one thing, it’s this humility might be the most underrated parenting skill there is. And I know that whole conversation was about resiliency, but humility is kind of part of this whole conversation. It is one of the most important traits.

 

00;32;00;13 – 00;32;21;28

Dr. Mona

As a mother, pediatrician, and wife and human and knowing it can really raise the kids we want. And also it’s a skill that our kids will understand can help them build resiliency, Stacey said. It’s so simply, your kid is being raised by humans and humans are fallible. None of us are doing this perfectly, and that desire to do better is more than half the battle.

 

00;32;22;00 – 00;32;41;14

Dr. Mona

Getting your child support, whether that’s a therapist, a teacher, or just admitting you cannot do it alone, does not make you less of a parent. It makes you a better one. So today’s episode gave you a new lens on resilience, coping, and what your kid actually needs from us. Do me a favor. Subscribe and download this episode. Download all episodes.

 

00;32;41;14 – 00;33;00;02

Dr. Mona

That really helps the show grow. And if you haven’t already, check out our new look on YouTube. Subscribe there! It really helps us and tag us when you share this episode on Stories at PedsDocTalk, the PedsDocTalk Podcast, and Stacey Shafer. You never know who wanted to hear this today or maybe needed to hear it today.

 

00;33;00;05 – 00;33;09;21

Dr. Mona

Thank you for being here, for choosing humility over perfection, and for raising true, resilient kids. I cannot wait to chat with you all next time. Stay well.