On this episode of Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona, I answer a different kind of question (and one I really loved): How to navigate motherhood when you lack those in-person support structures.

I discuss 10 tips to reframe and navigate motherhood when you lack that village.

00;00;01;04 – 00;00;09;07

Dr. Mona

Welcome to Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, where each week I answer your questions.

 

00;00;09;09 – 00;00;44;21

Mom

Hi Doctor Mona, I absolutely love your podcast. I am whispering this question if I have two kids, three and one year old, asleep. My question is how do you cope when the phrase goes, it takes a village, but you have no. I was recently listening to your self-compassion is more Important Than Self-care podcast, and I was wondering when just the two parents and there are no grandparents to help whatsoever and haven’t been for three years.

 

00;00;44;24 – 00;01;14;19

Mom

I even gave birth by myself. How do you find time for yourself if you never leave your children? Ever? Because of Covid, we’ve never gone to sit or anything like that. In three years time. So if you have any tips, I would love to hear them. I’m sure it’s applicable to other caregivers in other situations.

 

00;01;15;03 – 00;01;32;04

Mom

As well as single parents who maybe don’t feel comfortable having childcare outside of the home. Or maybe I should work on that. I would love to hear your thoughts. I love your podcast. I love everything you do. You have really helped me through this challenging time by.

 

00;01;32;06 – 00;01;54;15

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for this question. I love this aspect of the PDT podcast where we can talk about education for pediatrics, but also talk about how we can get through the difficult times as parents. So, you know, raising kids in that proverbial village is is one of the hardest things when in this pandemic, we just haven’t had this and maybe even some parents before a pandemic didn’t have their village.

 

00;01;54;21 – 00;02;14;15

Dr. Mona

Maybe they were in a location away from family and friends. But we’re going to see different spectrums of this, right? We’re going to see some people who have their village have their connections, and then some people who are just feeling very isolated. For you, it has been three years. That is a long time. And you even said that you delivered a baby alone.

 

00;02;14;18 – 00;02;32;07

Dr. Mona

Talk about being a pandemic parent. I mean, that is a reality that I think a lot of people don’t realize prior to this pandemic, right, that there are so many mothers that had to deliver their babies on their own based on Covid surges and allowing visitors and a significant other. You also said that you made choices not to have any child care in the home.

 

00;02;32;07 – 00;02;55;25

Dr. Mona

And I’m not asking you to make different choices that don’t sit well with your family, but I also want you to look out for what’s happening with caseloads in your in your county or in your state. Consider if you would like to have a babysitter come in, someone who is perhaps vaccinated utilizing. If you have any loved ones in that area, I want you to really think about these things because it’s important to balance benefit and risk right?

 

00;02;56;02 – 00;03;15;18

Dr. Mona

Benefit of socialization, benefit of having help versus the risk of getting Covid, getting really sick. So if you all are vaccinated, if that person is vaccinated, you’re going to reduce risk. And also if cases are low, you’re going to reduce risk as well. So when people talk about that proverbial village, you know, I think they’re talking about that support system.

 

00;03;15;18 – 00;03;32;20

Dr. Mona

That one allows us to breathe as a parent. Right. You just feel like you can get that mental load onto somebody else to take care of meals or take care of going to bed, take care of all the things that we take care of his moms. And number two, it helps us with troubleshooting, right? I think having support or that village is amazing.

 

00;03;32;24 – 00;03;56;03

Dr. Mona

So if you don’t know something with your child, you’re like, you know, I want to potty train, but I want to talk to someone else who’s been through it, or I want to sleep train or I want to do this. My kid’s having picky eating, and we’ve kind of lost that in this pandemic, right? Many people are going to social media, or many people are just feeling isolated, that they can’t talk about these things because they’re not seeing friends as much as they used to in person.

 

00;03;56;05 – 00;04;12;23

Dr. Mona

I personally do not have my village. You know, I have been a mom for two years, a little over two years now. At the time of this recording and before the pandemic, I had a good group of friends, but in the pandemic, they all moved away. And making friends in a pandemic has been really hard, right? Because you can’t do your normal activities.

 

00;04;13;01 – 00;04;30;23

Dr. Mona

Even if my child goes to childcare. It was really hard to have playdates because we’re trying to reduce the risk rate, that risk reduction standpoint. But it’s also about understanding, okay, when is there again that balance of benefit of socialization and mental health versus risk of getting Covid and getting super sick. And that is a decision that you’ll make.

 

00;04;30;23 – 00;04;50;15

Dr. Mona

Understanding that Omicron was not as severe for children as Delta and prior variants. I had my village via cell phone. You know, I have friends all over the country, but it’s hard to stay in touch with these people, right? Everyone has different schedules, time zones. I lack that physical village. So I can tell you from personal experience how difficult it was.

 

00;04;50;15 – 00;05;08;04

Dr. Mona

I mean, I told my husband that I just felt very lonely. I had this following on social media, and I you guys know that, you know, I have this Instagram account, but I felt very isolated because I didn’t have that physical connection that I personally needed. Many women don’t need that. Many parents don’t. You know, they say that they’re fine.

 

00;05;08;04 – 00;05;29;23

Dr. Mona

But I like that personal socialization. It’s what it’s what makes me thrive. It’s what gives me energy. And when you don’t have it, you can feel very alone. I also think that the people in your village matter too, right? So having bodies that cause you more stress, judgment, etc. isn’t helpful. So having your mother in law come just because you need help, but she’s constantly berating you and telling you don’t do this, don’t do this.

 

00;05;30;00 – 00;05;47;20

Dr. Mona

You got to think about, well, is this worth it? Right? I got to think about is the benefit of her helping me worth it when she’s constantly making comments? So think about your own personal desires and mental health when you decide on who is going to be that village that comes into your home. But it’s also about reframing when we don’t have the village.

 

00;05;47;27 – 00;06;03;20

Dr. Mona

And I think that’s an aspect that I think many mothers forget to think about that. Yes, we can think about our situation, how much it sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I have been there. But it’s also about thinking about this is my reality. How can I now make the most of my reality? Because I don’t have another option and that is a mindset shift.

 

00;06;03;20 – 00;06;22;02

Dr. Mona

That is reframing when things may not be going our way. And that’s very difficult, but it’s doable. So now I have ten tips to managing motherhood. When you don’t have your village and you’re going to notice that I it will always start with focusing on ourselves and our mindset change before we focus on other things because our mindset matters most.

 

00;06;22;04 – 00;06;43;04

Dr. Mona

So number one, manage the expectations of what you think your life would have look like as a mom. This is really difficult, right? Because I think I also had this issue where I envisioned taking my son to trips and going back to California multiple times and traveling, traveling, traveling. And this pandemic has not allowed for that. So when I started to manage my expectations and understand that, you know what?

 

00;06;43;04 – 00;06;57;24

Dr. Mona

I had this vision of what life would have look like and this pandemic happened. It doesn’t mean that my reality sucks. It means that it’s just different than what I thought it would be. But I think when we start to think that, hey, this is what it should have been and it doesn’t match, that is where friction occurs.

 

00;06;57;24 – 00;07;14;15

Dr. Mona

That is when we start to get unhappy. That is when we start to say, well, my life is this and that, when in reality, if you actually look at what’s happening in your day to day, it’s not that your life sucks, it’s actually that you are having friction because it’s not matching your expectations. So manage your expectations of what you think your life would have look like.

 

00;07;14;17 – 00;07;34;18

Dr. Mona

It may not be what your expectations were, and I think so much of motherhood is managing expectations in so many things, in our own expectations, but also what we expect from our children. If you expect your children to be a good sleeper and a good eater and a and they don’t, that’s just them being human, right? You’re not doing anything wrong is just you’re trying to learn about them and then you get frustrated.

 

00;07;34;18 – 00;07;51;27

Dr. Mona

Well, why are they not doing this? Why are they not doing this? But when you start to accept that this is my reality, okay, they may not be doing what I expected, but that’s okay. That’s when you’re just going to start to embrace the moment that you’re in. Now. Number two is be honest with yourself and others. Choose a small group of safe people in your life and share your thoughts with them.

 

00;07;51;27 – 00;08;06;29

Dr. Mona

Right. This may be hopefully your partner. Be honest about how you are feeling. I am feeling burnt out. I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling that I could use some help. I am feeling that I am, you know I had Covid fear, but now I really want someone to come into my home to help me for 1 or 2 hours.

 

00;08;06;29 – 00;08;25;05

Dr. Mona

That is acceptable, right? You may be surprised by how understanding these people are. You may just be thinking, well, they don’t understand, but until you actually communicate your needs and your desires and be honest with yourself, you may not see change and you may start to see that you relate to people more. Just say you are with a friend on a playdate.

 

00;08;25;05 – 00;08;42;21

Dr. Mona

You decide to do that and you’re talking about all the fluffy things, and then you finally say, you know what? I’ve actually been really tired and lonely. You’re going to probably open up so much connection. Maybe that person has been feeling lonely too. Or maybe they’re not, and they can offer you that support. So you got to be honest with yourself.

 

00;08;42;21 – 00;08;58;21

Dr. Mona

This isn’t about being that woe is me. Like my life sucks and this is wrong and everything sucks. It’s saying, you know what? I’ve accepted this, but it does kind of suck that I don’t have my family nearby and I accept that too in my own life. Right? I wish my mom and I lived closer. I wish we had support, but we don’t.

 

00;08;58;28 – 00;09;16;06

Dr. Mona

I wish I had a nanny to help me in the home, but we don’t. And for so long I just thought I lamented and just expected things to be different. But once I start to accept that, hey, this is our reality, I give the example that we used to have a nanny and with the nanny, I used to be able to go work out in the mornings because I would leave in the morning.

 

00;09;16;06 – 00;09;31;18

Dr. Mona

She would come. She would help with getting ready things ready for Ryan school. And then I’d come back. We’d finish breakfast and I dropped him off, and that stopped happening. And I lamented and just was angry for so long. That will. Now I can’t go to my work out, but the reality is, is that I don’t have another option.

 

00;09;31;18 – 00;09;47;18

Dr. Mona

Right? This is my new reality that I don’t have help in the morning so can hear poo poo it and still do it, or just go straight to doing it. And so you know what? I will figure out another way to work out. I’ll figure another way to move my body. I may not be the expected person or what I envisioned, but I’m going to make it happen.

 

00;09;47;20 – 00;10;07;14

Dr. Mona

So being honest with yourself, managing expectations is number one and number two. Number three, focus on the positives in your reality. Don’t deny the negative things that are happening, but choose to look at the positive of a situation. This may be hard, but it helps a lot with the reframing. Maybe you are home with your children and that is tiring.

 

00;10;07;14 – 00;10;28;25

Dr. Mona

Don’t get me wrong. That is if you want to look at a negative. It is exhausting having three children alone just so you have a partner or not, but just have a partner who’s out of the house. I mean, I can I can empathize that you’re probably struggling really bad and it must feel very draining at times. So when you’re looking at reframing and looking at the positive, you’re saying, okay, I have this reality that this is really hard for me right now, that I have no time and I’m exhausted.

 

00;10;28;27 – 00;10;44;16

Dr. Mona

But I also have this reality that I’m getting to see my children grow up. I’m getting to spend time with them. I’m getting to see them do quirky, cool things that maybe I would have missed out on if I was outside of the home. In every situation, you are going to be able to find duality, right? The positive and the negative of a situation.

 

00;10;44;18 – 00;11;04;10

Dr. Mona

But by choosing to focus on the positive, you are making a choice in how you reframe a situation and that is power. Maybe you can also say to yourself, well, I don’t have childcare, but now because I don’t have childcare, we’re saving money on childcare. So yes, the negative quote unquote would be I need help. The positive. Well, I’m saving money.

 

00;11;04;10 – 00;11;17;29

Dr. Mona

And that’s kind of how I reframe. When we lost our nanny, I said, you know what? We were paying money to this amazing nanny and now we don’t have one. So that means now we’re saving money. And that’s great. It means that I don’t have as much help in the mornings and weekends and evenings that I used to, but that is my reality.

 

00;11;18;04 – 00;11;38;18

Dr. Mona

But there is a positive to that situation. When you start to look at the positive of a situation, you’re changing your mindset and energy flows or attention goes. So you are going to see that when you start to say, you know what, this is my reality. This is a positive event. You’re going to see more positive things happen in your own relationship with yourself, but relationships with others, maybe your children.

 

00;11;38;24 – 00;11;56;05

Dr. Mona

And that is what these episodes are about. Whenever I talk about my finding Joy episodes or answer your questions on how to reframe, number four in the top ten is connect with a friend via phone calls, audio messages. Now, I know this is really hard. I have friends all over the country, times on their mothers themselves. It’s impossible.

 

00;11;56;05 – 00;12;14;27

Dr. Mona

I mean, my bedtime for my son is when they’re all still at work and then when they’re done with bedtime, I’m about to go to bed. It’s just doesn’t match up. One thing I really found it helpful is either text messaging or audio messaging. So either using WhatsApp or using your cell phone to send an audio message to your friend so that they can hear your voice.

 

00;12;14;27 – 00;12;36;02

Dr. Mona

And then they would do the same so that you can hear theirs. I find this more connection connecting than text messaging, and it also helps because you don’t have to rely on them to sit down and call. It helps with differing schedules. It helps if you’re in a different time zone. So I encourage you to do that. So that way you feel supported and connected and it can be as easy as like, hey, just checking in or hey, I’m having a really hard day.

 

00;12;36;02 – 00;12;57;20

Dr. Mona

I’m not sure if you’re available to speak about this or just send me a message back. How are you doing? I just would love to hear your voice and we forget how much we need that physical, but also that voice connection, because that can be that balance between not having physical, but not just doing text messaging. Number five is join communities online that serve you emotionally.

 

00;12;57;25 – 00;13;18;04

Dr. Mona

Don’t just join things online. And you get in there and you’re like, wow, I feel like more of a shitty person. I want you to join online communities that really make you thrive and feel better about yourself. You can join the new Moms Survival Guide, get the course, and also have access to the community. But really make sure you choose online communities that are uplifting and also limit the accounts that are negative.

 

00;13;18;04 – 00;13;34;07

Dr. Mona

I can’t stress this enough, but again, the energy that you bring into your life is important from not only the people in your life, but also the accounts that you fall in social. So if you’re following an account that’s also always lamenting, always about how difficult things are, things are negative, negative, never lived with that, never offer anything positive.

 

00;13;34;10 – 00;13;55;25

Dr. Mona

I need you to stop falling or mute them and follow accounts that are more balanced. Right? People who are saying I love this, this is great, but also the realities of life. I think that’s really important for mothers to see, especially on social media. Number six, with the pandemic improving, it is improving. I really want to stress this, but I’m recording this, you know, March, March 1st is actually when I’m recording this.

 

00;13;55;25 – 00;14;14;14

Dr. Mona

But, you know, Omicron is getting better. But when you see caseloads down in your community and you can go on your Department of Health website, try to find a small group of mom friends. I don’t believe, you know, just being friends with whoever. Again, same thing with who you’re surrounding yourself with. You want to make sure that these are people that uplift you.

 

00;14;14;16 – 00;14;30;20

Dr. Mona

I think sometimes we get into that habit of just making friends, just to have them so that it’s socialization. But if you’re hanging out with these people and you’re like, I don’t like it. And I also feel like a more crappy person, maybe it’s better not to hang out with these people because, like, I said, the people you surround yourself with matters.

 

00;14;30;23 – 00;14;52;09

Dr. Mona

So I rather be alone and call my friends that I love and leave an audio message. Then to just force myself into friendships locally to find a village when they don’t even support me. Or I feel good about that relationship. And that is an important thing to accept, right? That you don’t have to be friends with everyone. You don’t have to be rude, but you also have to understand that I need to protect myself.

 

00;14;52;09 – 00;15;08;09

Dr. Mona

And if someone I’m hanging out with is not really my cup of tea or makes me feel like a more shittier mom, maybe I shouldn’t be hanging out with them. Number seven is maximize any resources you have so that you can find time to take care of yourself. So I know you don’t have a child in childcare, but maybe someone does.

 

00;15;08;09 – 00;15;27;09

Dr. Mona

So if you have a child in childcare and pickup is at five, maybe you’ve been rushing to get them at 330 or 4 just because you feel bad that you know they’re with someone else. But if they’re happy and they love it and you need time to exercise or do something for yourself, maybe take that extra moment to do something for you so you can pick them up closer to five than at four.

 

00;15;27;11 – 00;15;44;22

Dr. Mona

Because can I tell you, your children want a mom who takes care of themselves and who is happy? So if that extra hour gave you some joy, you’re going to approach your child with more joy, which is going to radiate and emanate through their life. So you said that you have not had your children outside of the home, and nor have you had anyone inside of your home with Covid.

 

00;15;44;25 – 00;16;01;11

Dr. Mona

So in this situation, you can utilize your partner and communicate your needs and say, hey, look, I know you’re working and maybe you’re not and I’m not working, but I could really use an hour on Saturday or two hours on Saturday. How can we make this happen? How can we make this work with our schedule if they’re not able to?

 

00;16;01;11 – 00;16;18;15

Dr. Mona

Because I also have a husband who works a lot of weekends and evenings. Then it’s about, hey, maybe I consider hiring someone like a babysitter for an hour or two. You can search online for people who are vaccinated if that makes you feel better. With cases low in a community, you can decide if you don’t have them vaccinated and have them masked and as long as they’re healthy.

 

00;16;18;17 – 00;16;37;15

Dr. Mona

But these things can be inside your home with you there if you don’t feel comfortable leaving your children. So even just having someone there to take the mental load off of you, right? Maybe this person comes in and helps around meal times. Maybe this person comes in and helps to play with them so that you can go upstairs and just not have to think about mothering and think about all the things we do as parents.

 

00;16;37;17 – 00;16;57;05

Dr. Mona

So this can really help that mental load that we go through. But I really want you to think about either hiring someone for an hour, or even just having that break for an hour by utilizing the resources you can or do have even 20 30 minutes is life changing when you don’t have to constantly be making choices for three different humans and yourself?

 

00;16;57;13 – 00;17;10;20

Dr. Mona

And okay, now I need to do this. Now I need to do this. You don’t even have to leave the home like I mentioned, you can actually be in the home if you just feel like you want some, you know, monitoring. If you’ve never had someone in the home or you’ve never hired a babysitter, you don’t have to leave.

 

00;17;10;20 – 00;17;29;24

Dr. Mona

If that doesn’t sit right with you, you can just have them in the home and you’re upstairs or they’re upstairs in your downstairs or wherever. You know your house layout is so that you can just get away for just a moment. These moments of resetting is what helps us so much as moms. Number eight is communicate your needs with your loved one or partner.

 

00;17;29;26 – 00;17;52;16

Dr. Mona

I am struggling because of x. I could use help in this area. Can we figure out a way to make this work? So whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed and I use the example of when we lost our nanny, I felt overwhelmed because the mornings in the evenings, especially on workdays, were so tough. Getting Ryan out, out the door and also getting myself ready, getting our dog, you know, fed and walked and all that.

 

00;17;52;29 – 00;18;06;11

Dr. Mona

And also just taking my mental break for myself too, like just, you know, start the day on a positive note. So I talked to my husband about options. Right now, we don’t have any we don’t have help. No one is looking for a nanny job. So it was really about okay on the weekends or when my husband’s off.

 

00;18;06;18 – 00;18;24;05

Dr. Mona

Can he help? Sometimes he can because he worked a night shift and he can’t wake up early. Or sometimes he’s working in the afternoon. So then I started, like I said, to hire someone to come in for just two hours on a weekend. On a Saturday, when my husband is gone for the entire weekend. It’s only two hours in a two day period, but it helps.

 

00;18;24;05 – 00;18;40;23

Dr. Mona

It just it just is something to look forward to that hey, for these two hours I can either work on pizza, dog talk stuff, I can work out, I can go run an errand. This is someone that we trust, but you have to communicate your needs with your partner or anyone who’s a loved one, so that you can come up with a plan that works for your resources and your family.

 

00;18;40;26 – 00;19;03;02

Dr. Mona

Number nine is prioritize movement, journaling, and meditation. When you do have a break and I say when you do have a break, I understand it’s very difficult. I know this is hard. I literally have zero energy to do anything after a long workday and after doing so much meetings and whatever, I’m just tired. And so I just want to plop down on the couch and like, scroll social media.

 

00;19;03;04 – 00;19;19;01

Dr. Mona

But I’m going to give you a little bit of tough love. If you have 30 minutes to scroll social media, you have five minutes to move your body. Movement is healing for our mind, so maybe for five minutes before you sit down and plop on the couch. Because I know I love to do that too. Maybe just for five minutes.

 

00;19;19;01 – 00;19;36;25

Dr. Mona

You do a quick yoga stretch, or jumping jacks, or watch a YouTube video. Or if you have peloton, you do a peloton ride for 5 to 10 minutes, something to move your body so that that energy and all the stuff that’s happened in that day can move out of your body. It really is therapeutic, and it may not happen every day, but I encourage you to try to move your body.

 

00;19;37;01 – 00;19;57;28

Dr. Mona

And remember, stretching is a form of moving your body. Just putting down a yoga mat or just on the rug and just really stretching your body can really help in relaxation in the long run. I also talk about meditation and, you know, it’s really difficult to meditate and especially when your mind is so used to moving because many of our minds do move as moms, it can be really uncomfortable to have to now train it to sit still.

 

00;19;58;05 – 00;20;12;21

Dr. Mona

When you’re thinking about no, no, no, I got to move and think about all these things. But it really does help to take five minutes. That’s as much as I do every day. I wish I could do more to just still the mind. And you can even make it active and kind of look and say, okay, I’m going to notice how many times my mind wanders.

 

00;20;12;23 – 00;20;28;14

Dr. Mona

If you’re so uncomfortable with just sitting still, you can do a more active meditation and say, okay, I’m just going to count, okay? On a Tuesday on my mind, wander ten times. On Thursday it only wandered six times. You know, you can make it something like metric so that you can kind of, make it more fun out of that meditation experience.

 

00;20;28;17 – 00;20;49;12

Dr. Mona

But do prioritize moving your body and still in your mind. And journaling is also very helpful if that’s something that you think will work for you. But getting that energy from the day, like you upset at yourself about not having the village or upset about whatever it may be. Putting that down onto paper and just letting it release from your body is very therapeutic.

 

00;20;49;14 – 00;21;14;10

Dr. Mona

Number ten is remember that our village can be defined uniquely in this modern age. Maybe your village is simply emotional support. Maybe it’s physical help, maybe it’s uplifting. Podcasts I was feeling very isolated the last few months and you know, we lost the nanny and she was a source of light for me every morning. And I just felt lonely because, again, we don’t have a lot of friends here and family.

 

00;21;14;12 – 00;21;31;25

Dr. Mona

And I started to return to podcasts. And I am a podcaster, right? And I to be honest, I didn’t listen to a lot of motivational podcasts before a month ago and I started listening to more podcasts, motivational, uplifting people, people who are sharing the ups and downs, but also the ups and how to get back to that positivity.

 

00;21;31;25 – 00;21;59;12

Dr. Mona

And it has changed my life because I’m surrounding myself with positive energy. This doesn’t mean toxic positivity. It means people that are understanding of the ups and downs, but are looking at how can we reframe and this is what I’m actually trying to do with the finding Joy series as well as these episodes when you call in. So it’s really important to redefine what that village means for you and understand that it may look different than what other people’s village would look like.

 

00;21;59;18 – 00;22;14;14

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in today. If you find this series helpful or any of my content helpful, please make sure to share it on your social media channel because that is how other people can find this. These are. So thank you so much for joining us, and I will talk to you next week.