On this episode with Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona, I answer a question about power-struggles with grandparents.

Grandparents can have a positive influence on your child’s life and vice-versa, but it’s also important that you think of your desires and wants as a parent and communicate these with people who take care of your child.

Listen in as I discuss some things to consider as you navigate a grandparent taking care of your child

00;00;01;04 – 00;00;07;07

Dr. Mona

Welcome to Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, where each week I answer your questions.

 

00;00;07;10 – 00;00;32;16

Ramona

Hey, guys. Ramona. So my question is actually related to some stories that you did when you were in California with your family and how I’m seeing grandparents and relatives. You don’t normally see your child. The schedules can get a little off the back. The kids can kind of get used to getting their way when they whine and getting away with things that the parents wouldn’t normally let them do.

 

00;00;32;19 – 00;00;57;20

Ramona

My problem is that our caregiver is my grandmother, and she lives with us, and she has a lot of the same, point of view that you were talking about your parents having, like, just give him whatever he wants so he doesn’t whine. And because she’s our full time caregiver and she lives with us, there’s definitely this, like, power struggle dynamic.

 

00;00;57;22 – 00;01;22;13

Ramona

And we’ll try to talk to her and we’ll try to get her, you know, the rules that we want. And it may work for a little while, but then it totally just falls off the wayside again. And I’m just wondering if you have any recommendations for that or if we’re giving him, you know, the attention and the one on one learning and things like that when we’re available.

 

00;01;22;15 – 00;01;43;21

Ramona

Is it is is it really detrimental that he’s kind of getting away with that one? Grandma is around. You know, he seems to be doing okay. He definitely listens to us as his parents when he tells him no. But it’s just, you know, it’s just it feels like he’s always getting away with things when he’s being watched by his grandma.

 

00;01;43;21 – 00;02;05;16

Ramona

And since that’s so much of the time. I’m just wondering if we’re really doing any kind of disservice, and we’re kind of thinking about putting him in preschool or a daycare, kind of session sooner than we normally would. We have him because of Covid, and he is two and a half years old. Thank you so much.

 

00;02;05;18 – 00;02;28;23

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for this question. And you were right. We were in California. And now the recording of this episode, my parents are actually visiting us in Florida right now. And we have, you know, my in-laws come so we definitely have grandparents coming in and out of Ryan’s life. And in your situation, it’s a little more difficult because you said that the grandma is your child’s primary caregiver when you’re not home, right?

 

00;02;28;23 – 00;02;53;08

Dr. Mona

So if you’re working and that can make things a little bit difficult, I think one of the hardest things to realize and set the expectation for is that we can’t expect our parents or the child’s grandparent to be like a nanny or hired help. It just never happens that way. I mean, I think that’s a unicorn situation where the grandparent will do every single thing that you ask them to.

 

00;02;53;10 – 00;03;09;17

Dr. Mona

But remember, they are not paid help. You know, even a nanny may not agree with everything that you say, but they do it because you’re paying them right. So in this situation, grandparents have their own opinions. They want to spoil the kid, or they maybe say, you know, will I raise you this way? And that’s what we’re going to do.

 

00;03;09;20 – 00;03;33;00

Dr. Mona

So can make things really difficult. So there’s definitely a different dynamic happening. So the struggle here is I think we have to first ask ourselves, how often are these moments happening where your child is being watched by the grandparent? What are your non-negotiables? And can we at least focus on those when we try to advocate for those with your mom?

 

00;03;33;03 – 00;03;50;23

Dr. Mona

And also, what are the good things that your child is learning from being with the grandparent? Because I get it, we sometimes tend to focus on, well, oh my gosh, she’s not doing this, not doing this. But there are probably some good things that your child is getting out of it. You mentioned that your child, when they come back to you, doesn’t seem to have anything changed, right?

 

00;03;50;23 – 00;04;16;25

Dr. Mona

Maybe they’ll go to grandma where they get more sugar, or they get X, Y, and Z. But when they come back to you, nothing is really changing in their behavior. That’s kind of what happened with Ryan now, right? So when my parents are watching him and then when we watch him, he does whine a lot more. When my parents are here, like a lot, he becomes so whiny and even more whiny when I’m in the room because he knows that mommy and daddy are not always going to cave in on the whining, right?

 

00;04;16;25 – 00;04;35;22

Dr. Mona

We do communicate and we say, you know, we don’t. We’re not doing that right now. But he’s more likely to get things out of grandma. He understands who he can go to to get what he wants. Now, in the grand scheme of things, I don’t really panic here as I know he is loved by his grandparents and they have their own special bond.

 

00;04;35;22 – 00;04;50;05

Dr. Mona

So maybe that’s something that I want you to consider or think about. And you have to think about all of this as a big picture with the non-negotiables. What are some things that are really important to you in parenting that you really want the grandparent to do as well? But what are some things that you’re like, yeah, that’s actually okay.

 

00;04;50;05 – 00;05;08;14

Dr. Mona

And these kind of short term periods that go to the wayside. So I mean even example, we don’t do snacks after meals, right? We offer a meal and if Ryan eats it, he eats it. But after that there’s no snack that’s coming immediately after. Sometimes when he doesn’t eat a lot at a meal, my mom feels bad, which okay, she’s a grandma.

 

00;05;08;14 – 00;05;24;10

Dr. Mona

I understand that, right? So she’ll sneak snacks if he didn’t eat his lunch or deny his dinner. And I see it. I’m seeing it happen. I see her, you know, sneaking a snack and being very hush hush about it. And I’ll be honest, I think it’s actually kind of sweet that she’s trying to be all hush hush, even though I can see it.

 

00;05;24;12 – 00;05;40;26

Dr. Mona

So I look at this as a big picture. At the end of the day, this isn’t going to harm him. He obviously knows that the boundary is there with food and she’s not doing this every single time. Now, if the grandparents are the primary child care we need to set up some boundaries and consistency as it can seep into your home too.

 

00;05;40;26 – 00;06;02;22

Dr. Mona

But you said that it’s not really happening that way. So for example, if it’s sporadic and you know your your child is going to see grandparents and they go, they come back, there’s not really any change in their eating habits or sleep habits then. Fine. Like you said, it’s not really affecting how he’s acting in other environments. So is there something that we really need to do about it?

 

00;06;02;24 – 00;06;23;03

Dr. Mona

But since you did call this in and maybe someone’s listening about other tips of the grandparents, I’m going to go over some other tips as well. So when dealing with grandparents, you have to consider a few things. The first thing is understand your triggers. So our parents have a way of triggering us, especially after we become parents. Oh, all of a sudden you’re like, either they did something right or they did something is very wrong.

 

00;06;23;08 – 00;06;45;29

Dr. Mona

You start to realize that more and more when you become a parent, maybe your your parent commented on your weight. They didn’t help process emotions. So now when your parent does that to your child, it can be very triggering and it can open up past wounds. Someone else can say the same thing, but if it comes from someone who triggered you, or that you have some maybe unresolved resentment towards it can seem worse.

 

00;06;46;02 – 00;07;07;15

Dr. Mona

So recognize the triggers so that you can approach and recognize why you may be getting upset. I think this is really important when you approach your grandparent and also your child being taken care of by a grandparent before you go on to the next thing, which is deciding what your non-negotiables are. So when you are looking at your parenting and looking at things that are really important to you, it’s kind of like with dating, right?

 

00;07;07;15 – 00;07;30;17

Dr. Mona

Or finding a partner, you have your top list of things that are really important to you. You can’t have everything in a person. You have to have things that you think are very, very important to you and that could look different coupled a couple person to person. So when you have a list of your short, non-negotiable goals, these are things that you feel are very important that you want your mom to do as well when she’s taking care of your grand of the grandkid.

 

00;07;30;20 – 00;07;47;22

Dr. Mona

So when you know these, you’re going to be able to better advocate for these and let everything else go. So, for example, in our family, we don’t like screen time with meals. It’s important to us. Some families it’s okay. So it’s coming up to, you know, an understanding of what are those non-negotiables that are important to you. And we also don’t like pressure with meals.

 

00;07;47;28 – 00;08;05;28

Dr. Mona

So we don’t like him being chased around. We don’t like him being forced into a seat, something that culturally and growing up was very common. And we just don’t like it. We also don’t like yelling when he’s having a tantrum. We don’t do timeouts in our house, but those are the big things. It’s only three things the big, big things.

 

00;08;06;05 – 00;08;24;09

Dr. Mona

Obviously, when you see a relationship between a grandparent and a grandkid, you’ll notice some things that you’re like, oh, that’s not something I want to happen. Everything else were somewhat leaning, lenient about so he can have some sweets. Normally we don’t do a lot of, you know, sugary sweets, but with grandma he eats a lot more sweets. That’s okay.

 

00;08;24;09 – 00;08;45;13

Dr. Mona

That’s their special love language. My mom loves to cook. She loves to make Indian sweets. So you have to understand that there’s some things that you’re going to make some leeway for. And that is okay. But that is up to you about what your non-negotiables are. The next thing is discussing your non-negotiables with the grandparent, or whoever’s taking care of your child and being firm and open to conversation.

 

00;08;45;13 – 00;09;02;01

Dr. Mona

Right? You don’t need to yell. You don’t need to get worked up. You. If you are getting worked up, take a moment and regroup. So I think you said that sometimes things fall to the wayside. Like you tell your mom about something and then it just doesn’t happen. So when that happens, I first want you to ask yourself, is this a non-negotiable?

 

00;09;02;03 – 00;09;19;12

Dr. Mona

Is this something that I want to press? If it’s something that you want to press, you got to be very adamant about that. And even, you know, just pull her aside, sit down with her when the kid is not there. Hopefully that way you can have a real conversation and just explain why it’s important to you. And all you can do is just say how you feel.

 

00;09;19;14 – 00;09;38;24

Dr. Mona

She can take it. Try not to get defensive. Try not to say, well, you do this and you do this, but just try to tell her what you feel and why you feel that way. But first you have to realize is this something that I want to press? Because that is why the non-negotiables are important. If it’s something that’s not going to really be a big deal in the long run, do you really need to press it?

 

00;09;38;27 – 00;09;56;26

Dr. Mona

Then maybe you just let it go. And that leads me to picking, picking and choosing your battles based on your non-negotiables. Not everything needs to be a disagreement. It’s okay to let a comment bounce off of you. Let it be said, but don’t absorb the energy. And it’s also okay to say, well, you know what? I wouldn’t do this in my house.

 

00;09;56;29 – 00;10;17;13

Dr. Mona

But as long as my child is safe and loved in grandma’s house, granddad’s house or whoever, then I’m going to let it go. So that’s really important for you and your partner if you have one, to decide what is important to you. One tip that I really have when you’re starting to do those non-negotiables and be very firm on those, is when you’re giving that non-negotiable.

 

00;10;17;13 – 00;10;34;06

Dr. Mona

So just say it’s really important to you that your child doesn’t have screen time. I want you to also involve the grandparent in some way that makes you comfortable, that makes them feel wanted in their strength. So I’m going to use an example that telling my mom, don’t do this, don’t do this. Why are you doing this? No one likes that.

 

00;10;34;06 – 00;10;56;09

Dr. Mona

I don’t think any human being likes to be told what to do and say, don’t do this. Don’t do this. Why are you doing this? There is a nice thing about positive reinforcement, right? Every human being child wants that. So use your grand mom’s strengths. Right? So my mom is a really great cook. So rather than telling my mom, don’t do this, don’t do this, which can be really annoying, I will have her use her strengths.

 

00;10;56;09 – 00;11;11;10

Dr. Mona

So I’ll say, mom, you know, this is really important that, you know, during meal times that we don’t pressure him and don’t force him, I trust him, I want him to understand that if he’s hungry, he will eat. And if he’s not, he’s not going to be forced. But what are some at meal recipes that you have some ideas for?

 

00;11;11;10 – 00;11;32;28

Dr. Mona

What do you think that we should make him incorporate their strengths in the child rearing? So just say your mom is really good at crafts, so you can say mom, like maybe you can do an activity with, you know, my son or daughter incorporate them into that. And so rather than always saying, don’t do this and don’t do this, ask them to do something that they’re really good at with your child or for your child.

 

00;11;32;28 – 00;12;07;06

Dr. Mona

So they feel wanted overall these weekends or short periods of, you know, your grandparent taking care of your child, it’s not going to harm your kid. I think there’s like a terminology that this is going to be really detrimental, and you may need to do undo some of the behaviors when they come back home. But if you’re finding that your child was good with eating with you, comes back from grandma’s house and all of a sudden now has picky eating every time they return and you’re unable to reset it or takes longer than you would like, then maybe you need to take a deeper dive into conversations with them so that you are all on

 

00;12;07;06 – 00;12;23;27

Dr. Mona

the same page. I use the example when we were in California and we went away, me and my husband went to Cabo for a few days and then we came back and my son was super picky. Ryan was like, really picky with eating, but me and my husband being there for about 2 to 3 days, we undid that pickiness and it was a lot of boundary setting.

 

00;12;23;27 – 00;12;45;16

Dr. Mona

It was a lot of calming everyone down, not forcing and pressuring Ryan. But if you’re getting to a point where it’s really feeling like you can’t undo the things that you have been doing as a parent, you really need to sit down and reevaluate your non-negotiables. I think it’s so important that we recognize the good that our grandparents can give our kid, and this may look different from family to family.

 

00;12;45;16 – 00;13;04;06

Dr. Mona

Some of you listening may have a great relationship with your parents. When they do things like this, it’s like, okay, fine, I’ll just let it go. Some of you may be more like me where I have a great, good relationship. Obviously not amazing. And then we tell each other everything, but it’s pretty good. And then so when things like this happen, then I’m more easily able to let it go.

 

00;13;04;09 – 00;13;21;21

Dr. Mona

And some of you may have a really tough relationship with your parents. So now when they are the grandparents of your child, it can be really hard where you’re feeling very triggered. That is why the first thing I said was understanding your triggers so that you know where you’re coming from, so that you can better approach your parent who is the grandparent of your child.

 

00;13;21;26 – 00;13;36;20

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in today. If you find this series helpful or any of my content helpful, please make sure to share it on your social media channel, because that is how other people can find this resource. So thank you so much for joining us and I will talk to you next week.