On this episode of The Finding Joy series, I bring back my husband to discuss a very important aspect of parenting. The importance of re-parenting ourselves as we parent our son. We discuss the cycles we are trying to break with our son as we simultaneously work on ourselves.

We discuss the generational trauma of:

• Body image insecurities
• Comparison
• Anger and yelling
• No space for emotions
• And pressure to be high-achieving in careers

The Finding Joy Series is a series to promote self-growth and self-reflection as we parent our littles. Here are two related episodes to check out:
Finding Joy: Marriage and Parenting with my husband
Finding Joy. Why forgiveness is so powerful in healing and self-growth

00;00;01;01 – 00;00;18;26

Guarav

I didn’t want to continue that pattern or that cycle with the next generation, right? As parents, we have to do better for our children than the previous generation. And so that’s why I made it a point to really acknowledge and lay them out there right in the open, be like, you know what? This is going to stop here.

 

00;00;19;00 – 00;00;25;11

Guarav

I’m not going to continue this toxic pattern of behavior or your commentary as we parrot. Brian.

 

00;00;25;14 – 00;00;53;05

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. I am so excited for you to join me on this episode, where I am going to have my husband on once again to talk about how we are parenting ourselves while we parent our son, Ryaan. And if you have not already, you have to listen to episode 122 where we talk about marriage and life and so many of the things that we talk about on our own, but we wanted to share with you on this podcast.

 

00;00;53;05 – 00;01;12;15

Dr. Mona

Before we get to the conversation, I want to read two reviews from Apple Podcasts that mean so much to me. And remember, please leave your reviews because it means so much for this podcast to grow and also just to get your feedback. The first review I have never left a review for anything before, but I just had to express my gratitude for this episode.

 

00;01;12;15 – 00;01;30;22

Dr. Mona

I just listened to the finding Joy episode 122 was so spot on. As a household with two physicians and being first time parents at the start of the pandemic, there’s so much you both talked about that resonated with me. Thank you so much for what you’re doing. I am just so in love with that episode and all of the finding Joy episodes and so much more.

 

00;01;30;25 – 00;01;50;26

Dr. Mona

That’s why I brought my husband on again, because I just love sharing this with you. And thank you so much for that kind of review. The other one, gold. I found this podcast when I needed to hear it the most. More specifically, the when life keeps handing you Lemons episode. So relatable and healing to hear that I’m not alone during one of the hardest times in my life.

 

00;01;51;03 – 00;02;14;04

Dr. Mona

Thank you. That is what this podcast is all about. My hope is to motivate you, empower you, make you feel less alone in the journey as a parent. If you’re a mom, it’s so important to me that we grow alongside our children. So I’m going to continue to give you educational advice on parenting, health and development, but also this motivational material that you’re going to hear on this episode with my husband.

 

00;02;14;06 – 00;02;17;19

Dr. Mona

Hey Gaurav, welcome back to the podcast.

 

00;02;17;21 – 00;02;19;14

Guarav

Hey, thanks for having me back.

 

00;02;19;16 – 00;02;41;06

Dr. Mona

Of course. So, you know, we recorded an episode already together. Episode 122. So I mentioned that if you have not listened to that episode already, everyone, you have to listen to that one. I have to say that that was probably my most reviewed and rated podcast episode, and I think you saw that too, right? Like on Apple Podcasts, everyone just really loved what we talked about.

 

00;02;41;06 – 00;02;52;22

Dr. Mona

Just hearing your perspective as a father. So thank you for coming back on again. I know I’m kind of you know, you’re my husband and you’re doing this for me, but I think it helps so many of our listeners. So thanks for being here.

 

00;02;52;24 – 00;02;59;27

Guarav

Yeah, I’m glad that, you know, your people and my people, we could, come up with the time to do this all over again. Yeah.

 

00;02;59;29 – 00;03;29;08

Dr. Mona

And so we chose to talk about parenting. On this episode, our last episode, we talked about marriage. And, of course, I think we could do many episodes about relationships and, you know, relationships with each other, ourselves, our relationship with our son. But this one is really important to me and you, which is how we both are re parenting ourselves as we navigate parenthood, which I think is something that I believe a lot of parents don’t think about.

 

00;03;29;10 – 00;03;34;28

Dr. Mona

A lot of, you know, how important it is to do this, work, I would say, and I think you agree as well.

 

00;03;35;00 – 00;03;59;12

Guarav

Yeah. It’s an interesting concept. It it’s something that I think you and I both had to train ourselves and learn for ourselves going through this parenting process. About some of the pitfalls and some of the things that we were bringing to the table as we’ve gone into adulthood and how we had to relearn certain behaviors and certain things so that we could help our son thrive as best as he could.

 

00;03;59;15 – 00;04;18;28

Dr. Mona

And I think when people hear the term reprinting, an automatic assumption is that there was stuff that was not done well. And I think me and you can both agree that there are things that we look back at our childhood and say, yeah, this was really great and I love this. I want to take this from my childhood and implement it as a parent.

 

00;04;19;03 – 00;04;39;05

Dr. Mona

But then there’s also those things that just didn’t really work well, and you don’t realize it until you become an adult, and sometimes you don’t even realize it until you’re a parent and you’re staring your child in the face and you’re like, wait, this is taking me back to when I was a kid. So like I said, I just think that this work is so important, and which is why I’m happy that we’re talking about it.

 

00;04;39;05 – 00;04;57;11

Dr. Mona

I’m sure I’ll have another guest on to talk about it as well, but it just means so much that we, who are parenting our two and a half year old at the time of this recording, can just share our perspective on the things that work that didn’t work, and how we really have to kind of watch our insecurities, if you will, as we parent our son Ryan.

 

00;04;57;13 – 00;05;21;19

Guarav

And I think that what’s so great about this episode, doing this, is that you and I do this on a pretty routine basis where we, we kind of talk about some of the things, the ways that you and I both grew up and we talk about what kind of different homes that we’ve both grown up in. And we’ve discussed some of the great things that our parents did for us, and a lot of the not so great things that still carry on into this day.

 

00;05;21;21 – 00;05;45;14

Guarav

And we’re always trying to catch ourselves and be like, Yeah, this was done back in the day. But does it really relate right now. And it’s not serving our son very well right now. So yeah being able to acknowledge those things recognize them and then turn around and repair into yourself so that you can be the best parent for your child is super important because like you said, I think that there’s the good and the bad.

 

00;05;45;14 – 00;06;00;23

Guarav

And, you know, I think that everyone’s parents were doing the best that they could with the information they had at the time. And, you know, they had different stressors and things of that nature. So we all, as new parents, have to evolve and learn new things moving forward. So yeah, I’m really excited about this conversation.

 

00;06;00;26 – 00;06;21;24

Dr. Mona

And I think, you know, one of the first things that I look back at my childhood is anger and yelling. You know, that was actually something that was in my house. I will say that obviously when we talk about this, there was a lot of love, a lot of laughter, but there was yelling, and I, you know, had a dad who yelled, and he’s now worked on that a little bit.

 

00;06;21;25 – 00;06;41;09

Dr. Mona

Not as much as I think we all would hope our parents would change. But, you know, I remember that I had to look at myself and say, I don’t like being angry, I don’t like yelling. And I think you can agree, like when we first met, which was like almost ten years ago now. Well, I can’t believe I just said that ten years ago, but I was a happy person.

 

00;06;41;09 – 00;07;01;10

Dr. Mona

But I still yelled. I still had anger in me when I didn’t get my way. And after meeting you, and also when we moved down to Florida about six years ago and we had Shiloh, that is when I really realized that this isn’t going to work. When I become a parent. Like this anger and this yelling and, you know, stomping my feet when I don’t get my way or slamming doors.

 

00;07;01;10 – 00;07;22;07

Dr. Mona

I mean, I’m being very honest right now and seeing that that’s who I used to be and it didn’t make you feel good, didn’t make me feel good. And I started doing that work even before. Ryan, would you say that, you know, the things that we’re going to talk about, do you think that you started doing this work before you had Ryan, or do you think that becoming a parent is what made you change even more?

 

00;07;22;07 – 00;07;23;22

Dr. Mona

Was it a little bit of both?

 

00;07;23;25 – 00;07;44;24

Guarav

I definitely think that becoming a parent was really the catalyst for me to really reflect and look back at the way I was, parent did and really take, you know, inventory of all of those things and really reflect and be like, okay, there are certain things that I still hold on to to this day that really bother me about the way my parents what about things?

 

00;07;44;26 – 00;08;06;28

Guarav

And I just made it a priority to not let myself fall into that same trap and do those same things to our son as he’s going through his most formative years of growth. Right. And you talk about, you know, you grew up in a household where it was like lots of laughter, but there was also a lot of yelling, well, you know, I grew up in a household where I was constantly commented on about my weight.

 

00;08;06;28 – 00;08;32;13

Guarav

And for, you know, those of the listeners out there that don’t know, I’m, you know, six feet, two inches tall and I’m a lean 155 pounds, which, you know, I’ve been sitting my entire life and ever since I was, I could remember I was just kind of tall and slender and to this day, I still, I’m teased about it from my parents and whatnot and those kind of positive comments that you don’t think caused much harm.

 

00;08;32;16 – 00;08;52;09

Guarav

Looking back, you can see the amount of damage they’ve caused. And, you know, from the issues that I have with my body image and all that stuff, that it’s caused a significant amount of harm and I didn’t want to continue that pattern or that cycle with the next generation. Right. As parents, we have to do better for our children than the previous generation.

 

00;08;52;12 – 00;09;11;25

Guarav

And so that’s why I made it a point to really acknowledge all of these things, lay them out there right in the open, like, you know what? This is going to stop here. I’m not going to continue this toxic pattern of behavior or, or commentary as we parrot Ryan. And it takes a lot of internal work.

 

00;09;11;27 – 00;09;26;13

Dr. Mona

And that whole body image commentary. Thank you for that. Thank you for sharing it, because I know me and you have talked about it a lot. And it was something that even before we had Ryan, even when I found out that we were going to have a boy, you know, I said, look, he’s going to follow our type.

 

00;09;26;15 – 00;09;44;28

Dr. Mona

He’s going to follow that lean, tall type. And we talked about that. The importance of understanding what was done to you as a child, the commentary that was done and how that can impact how you view Ryan when he is that lean child because he’s going to be lean, right? Our genetics are not a big kid, you know.

 

00;09;44;28 – 00;10;07;24

Dr. Mona

And that’s okay. And so I appreciate you saying this because I think a lot of times people only talk about children who are on the higher percentiles when body image is affects everybody, right? It affects I don’t care what percentile quote unquote you’re on how we talk or even just talking about weight in general. And the way we approach it is just such a problem with parenting.

 

00;10;07;24 – 00;10;24;10

Dr. Mona

It’s actually one of the biggest things that I talk about on my platform, you know, that that I always talk about how we don’t need to be commenting on children’s weight, whatever percentile they’re on. It doesn’t really matter, and that’s not their worth. Can you kind of see how that can affect your relationship with Ryan? Like, do you ever worry about him and his weight?

 

00;10;24;10 – 00;10;35;08

Dr. Mona

Like, do you get worried about if he’s going to get teased? Or are you feeling like a little more extra protective over him because of what happened to you as a child? And even now, to be honest?

 

00;10;35;10 – 00;10;56;00

Guarav

Well, I think that he will get teased. You know, you and I are both tall and lean, and he’s going to be he’s already tall and very lean. Yeah. And so I know that the comments will come and there will be people at school that will tease him. But what I also know is that if we do what we’re supposed to and we do it the right way, he will know that he is okay.

 

00;10;56;00 – 00;11;14;13

Guarav

Just the way he is, no matter what his body type is. And that’s what I didn’t have growing up, right? I had a mom who constantly commented on my weight, who constantly told me to eat more, that I needed to gain ten more pounds, that I looked too skinny, or yeah, those kinds of things. And she still says it to this day.

 

00;11;14;20 – 00;11;35;08

Guarav

Yeah. And even as a 39 year old adult who’s a father, those words, I mean, they don’t hurt as much as they used to, but they still kind of sting, you know. And so you realize that those comments that were made when I was maybe five, six, seven years old have really shaped a good majority of my life.

 

00;11;35;08 – 00;11;57;10

Guarav

And I’ve always been self-conscious of my body. I’ve always tried to cover up. I was always ashamed of taking my shirt off or putting shorts on and those kinds of things, because I was never taught to just love myself for who I was. I was always told that I needed to be like somebody else. I needed to be bigger like somebody else, or I need to eat more like somebody else.

 

00;11;57;12 – 00;12;20;24

Guarav

And that kind of like toxic parenting that. Now, looking back 39 years later, I’m like, wow, if I had a parent who empowered me to love myself for who I was, who knows what the possibilities would have been? Yeah. So that’s what I’m really trying to focus in on Ryan. Like, I know Ryan is going to be extremely tall and I know he’s going to be on the thinner side.

 

00;12;20;24 – 00;12;30;12

Guarav

That’s genetics, and that’s not something he’s going to have control. So if he doesn’t have control over it, why does anyone have the right to comment on it?

 

00;12;30;13 – 00;12;30;29

Dr. Mona

Correct.

 

00;12;31;05 – 00;12;31;24

Guarav

Right.

 

00;12;31;27 – 00;12;33;00

Dr. Mona

 

00;12;33;03 – 00;12;52;29

Guarav

And so that’s like I’m so keen on that, especially the weight thing because for me it was such a lightning rod growing up I was always the person that stuck out in the middle of the room for being the tallest person. And when you’re tall and thin, you kind of stick out a little bit more. And it was always a point of contention for me.

 

00;12;52;29 – 00;13;18;14

Guarav

And so when you’re going back to your original question, I do take it a little bit personally in that regards, because I want Ryan to understand that, yes, he’s going to look different than everybody else, more than likely, just like every other child looks different than everyone else. Right? But I’m not going to let my own insecurities that I still carry to this day project onto him so that he has to deal with the similar things that I had to deal with.

 

00;13;18;17 – 00;13;36;24

Guarav

What I’m going to do is I’m going to tell him, hey, people may say things, they may make comments, you may be teased at school. That’s okay. When you walk into this house, you are perfect just the way you are. However way God made you. And that’s that’s going to be an emphasis point for us. And it already is.

 

00;13;36;26 – 00;13;51;27

Dr. Mona

Yeah. No it is. And you know, how we approach food is a huge thing in our home, right? Because we know how this goes when both of our sets of parents are in the house. It’s a culturally ingrained. It’s also regardless of culture. It’s a lot of the older generations. I’m sure everyone listening can agree that, you know, you must eat.

 

00;13;51;27 – 00;14;07;05

Dr. Mona

You have to finish your plate. If you don’t eat, you know you’re going to lose weight. You must not be happy if you’re so thin, but then it’s such a wild thing that it’s like, if you’re too thin, then it’s a problem. But if you’re too overweight or weigh more, it’s a problem. Like what is going to be the gold standard?

 

00;14;07;05 – 00;14;24;16

Dr. Mona

Like what is perfect to this generation, right. That came before us. It’s so stressful actually. And then the approach of food like, oh, we need to give him butter and this and that. And I’m like, he doesn’t need all of that. You know, he’s like I said, he’s growing on his curve. He’s growing as he should. And I just so appreciate you bringing that up.

 

00;14;24;16 – 00;14;44;22

Dr. Mona

And also I appreciate you bringing this up as a male because females tend to talk more about the body image issues. Right. Females tend to be more verbal about it, but males also go through it. And you even just speaking about it on this podcast for all of my listeners, means so much to me. And I’m sure everyone listening because it is a reality.

 

00;14;44;24 – 00;15;04;16

Dr. Mona

Still in 2022, at the time of this recording, women are supposed to be then and men are supposed to be bodybuilders. I mean, this is the stupid stereotypes that exist about the female body and the male body because of magazines and social media. But the reality is, like you said, we all come in different bodies. And yes, this is a huge thing that comes from childhood.

 

00;15;04;16 – 00;15;22;16

Dr. Mona

The way we approach food, the way we approach body image, it’s sticks and it’s why I’m so passionate about this on my platform, talking about how we need to change this and we parent ourselves, like you said, and tell our children that you’re going to be fine. You’re in this home, you’re loved. You’re worthy. Like everything that you just said so beautifully.

 

00;15;22;21 – 00;15;31;07

Dr. Mona

Is there anything else besides the body image, like something that you’re like, okay, this needs to change. You know, it wasn’t working well in my childhood. We got to do this better for Ryan.

 

00;15;31;09 – 00;16;06;13

Guarav

Yeah. I mean, I think that a lot of people, a lot of your listeners can probably relate to the comparison trap. I know that as a child, I was constantly compared to not only my sibling, my older brother, but I was compared to my peers and my schoolmates in terms of academics and just social standing. You know, I’m naturally more of an introverted person, and I still to this day remember my mom constantly telling me to speak more and to talk to more people and to be more outgoing, be like your brother and be like other people.

 

00;16;06;16 – 00;16;29;29

Guarav

And I’m just looking back at how traumatizing all of that stuff was, because all it kept saying was it was coming back to one unified statement and said, you are not okay who you are. You need to change. You need to be someone else. So yeah, the comparison thing was huge. It was a constant in our community. And I think in our culture it’s more pervasive than probably in some other cultures.

 

00;16;30;02 – 00;16;51;21

Guarav

But it’s such an easy trap for people to fall into because, yeah, we naturally compare ourselves to those around us. But when that comparison starts to become a toxic form of comparison, and it makes you question yourself in terms of why you’re not living up to a certain standard, or why you’re not living up to someone else’s ideals and expectations, that’s when it becomes harmful and toxic.

 

00;16;51;23 – 00;17;11;13

Guarav

And I carried a lot of that with me for decades. It took me, you know, having a child and becoming a father for myself to really reflect and do that work on my own. So that I could be comfortable with myself. So then I don’t have to teach Ryan anything. He will just see it from my own actions, if that makes any sense.

 

00;17;11;18 – 00;17;12;22

Dr. Mona

Yeah. So you want.

 

00;17;12;24 – 00;17;38;00

Guarav

You. He will know that. Oh, my dad is confident in who he is. He loves himself. Therefore I’m going to try to emulate that because kids will naturally emulate what their parents do and say. So I don’t need to sit down and have a talk with him. I just need to show him with my actions. And for me to be able to do those actions required a lot of, you know, inner work and therapy and all those things.

 

00;17;38;03 – 00;17;56;21

Guarav

So I think that’s where parents really have to stop and take a look at themselves and be like, what am I still holding on to? That’s not serving me anymore. And once it’s not serving me anymore, it’s not going to serve my child. And so I need to do the work to heal me before I can pass those things onto my child.

 

00;17;56;23 – 00;18;25;01

Dr. Mona

Right. And I mean, we’re talking about comparison. I think we don’t realize it until we get a little bit older as a child. Your reality is that right? You don’t know anything different. You don’t know that there is a life, that you’re not being compared to your peers and your siblings all the time, right? And then you go out in the real world and you’re like, oh, well, like I just get to be me and you kind of lose your identity when your whole childhood is based on a comparison against someone else, like you said, like your siblings, your cousins, you’re this person, this person.

 

00;18;25;01 – 00;18;56;20

Dr. Mona

And that really causes us to lose our identity. And something that’s really important for me is absolutely teaching Ryan that he has worth, and his identity is important, and he is going to be great at some things. He may not be great at everything. Obviously, this is human nature. We’re not perfect human beings. And there’s growth, right? I mean, both of us can agree that we’re teaching Ryan and raising him with this growth mindset, not a fixed mindset that you are capable of learning and that you’re capable of growing and that life is a lifelong learning process.

 

00;18;56;20 – 00;19;16;28

Dr. Mona

You don’t just know something, and then it’s done. You really have to grow with it, and that’s really hard to undo. I agree, I also dealt with the comparison, but I did create a little bit more of an identity earlier on when I went to college and also in high school, because I was in a lot of different activities that wasn’t stuff that my sibling did or other people did.

 

00;19;16;28 – 00;19;32;23

Dr. Mona

I really did track, and no one I knew to track like there were things that I did that was for me, and that really did help. And I really think that that’s such an important thing, kind of along the lines of comparison. You know, I already mentioned like the anger yelling thing that I had to work on is being okay with failure.

 

00;19;32;23 – 00;19;56;16

Dr. Mona

I don’t know if this happened for you, but like for me growing up, like, especially with immigrant parents that were like, hey, this is how we’re going to do things. You have to be successful. You know, grades are extremely important. Yes. I think there is a great thing about the work ethic that they put into us that we have to work really hard, but there was more of an emphasis on the result rather than the process.

 

00;19;56;16 – 00;20;22;00

Dr. Mona

Right, that you have to get the A’s, that you have to get the top of the list, you have to go to the great college. Those things were so much more valued than the ethic, the work process, the effort that we put into it. And so when I didn’t get straight A’s or when I went to college at UCLA, and I got my first ever C and I cried in the courtyard and just couldn’t handle it and thought that my life as a doctor would be over because I got a c.

 

00;20;22;02 – 00;20;39;07

Dr. Mona

I didn’t learn coping skills with failure until freshman year of college, and I think a lot of people can see this, like a lot of people who are very high achieving, you know, went to like these big schools or went to these big colleges. They can say that they did everything right. They got the A’s, they did all the clubs.

 

00;20;39;07 – 00;21;04;13

Dr. Mona

The failure wasn’t an option sometimes, or they never were taught how to fail and how it’s okay to fail. And it was that it was subsequent failures that I had. And I like saying it. I’m okay with saying that I failed some exams or I failed certain situations, or maybe some relationships didn’t work out right. Nothing is going to be perfect, and that’s something that I really want Ryan to grow up with too, is that failure is going to happen.

 

00;21;04;16 – 00;21;21;23

Dr. Mona

Do we want to drive towards failure? No, but failure is going to happen. It is sometimes an option because that’s what kind of has to happen in life. And you are going to grow from this failure. This is not going to define you. We are going to figure out what can we do better next time. Is this something that we need to pivot and change?

 

00;21;22;01 – 00;21;41;13

Dr. Mona

And that is something that’s so important to me because I didn’t gain that on my own until college and beyond, you know, medical school. And you’ve been with me for ten years getting denied jobs. And even then I would feel like a failure, right? Like, oh my God, the doors are closing. And now I have this perspective that when a door closes, another bigger one is going to open.

 

00;21;41;13 – 00;21;56;27

Dr. Mona

I just have to wait for it. And that’s perspective. I think we can gain with age, but I believe that we can teach our children this too, that hey, I get it that we didn’t get picked to be on this team or, you know, you didn’t get an E this time. I see that you worked really hard. What can we do next time for you?

 

00;21;57;03 – 00;22;13;07

Dr. Mona

How can I help or what can you do differently? And that growth mindset is so important to me. And I think that’s something that I dealt with. And I’m curious, I’m sure you did with ETS to some degree, because Indian families are very similar. But I’m just curious what you think about that too.

 

00;22;13;09 – 00;22;36;03

Guarav

Yeah, I mean, definitely I’ve dealt with similar situations and I just want to also just reiterate to everyone listening that you and I don’t have this down to a perfect science, right? Like this is still a constant work in progress for us. You still have moments where you yell and you kind of lose your cool, and you stomp off a couple of times here or there.

 

00;22;36;05 – 00;22;45;12

Guarav

I still tend to freak out about Ryan’s weight or my own weight, or make a comment about food. These are all things that are currently works in progress.

 

00;22;45;12 – 00;22;46;12

Dr. Mona

100%.

 

00;22;46;14 – 00;23;12;08

Guarav

Having conversations about them and holding each other accountable is how we continue to grow and learn from those previous pitfalls and mistakes and move forward. Right. And so it’s very difficult to implement when you’ve developed these behavior patterns over decades. Right? These are things that were ingrained in us when we were six, seven, eight, nine years old. And they’ve been with us throughout both of our careers.

 

00;23;12;08 – 00;23;42;11

Guarav

Right. We both followed this path where you were constantly expected to shine and outwork others, and your grades were first and foremost, and getting into top schools and getting into medical school and residency. It’s was this constant hyper focus on competitiveness and outdoing another person. And there was never any room for any failure. Right. But failure, like you said, is a part of life.

 

00;23;42;13 – 00;24;05;00

Guarav

And we’re at some point in our lives, we we resisted failure. I think you and I, we both agree that right now we as adults we welcome failure. Because we welcome it. Yeah. We know that we’re going to learn something from it that it’s not going to crush us anymore. It’s not going to mean that the world is coming to an end or we don’t cease to exist or anything.

 

00;24;05;00 – 00;24;24;01

Guarav

We’re going to gain a valuable lesson from it, and we’re going to grow from it. And that’s amazing for Ryan to see. Because like you said, Ryan may not be picked first for the softball team or the kickball team, or he may be picked glass to play basketball. But my hope is that hope you pick first the five.

 

00;24;24;03 – 00;24;25;18

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;24;25;20 – 00;24;48;19

Guarav

But you know, he may be let go from certain things or he may, you know, maybe scholastics isn’t his isn’t his gift or whatever. Our job is to recognize his gifts and try to promote those. But at the same time, recognizing that, you know what? He’s just another human being going through this process, and he’s going to have hiccups just like we did.

 

00;24;48;21 – 00;25;17;00

Guarav

And that’s okay. But we as parents have to let go of that expectation that we have. We have to let go of the comparison trap amongst our friends or family or neighbors, other families that are kids, schools or whatnot. This is so pervasive in our society and now you throw in social media where we have a bird’s eye view and to everyone’s pretend, quote unquote life that we’re just constantly in this game of trying to outshine others.

 

00;25;17;02 – 00;25;42;00

Guarav

And what we’re losing is we’re losing, like you said, our identity and who we are, and we’re losing our self-worth at the same time. So as parents out there, to everyone who’s listening, who are parents or student to be parents, you know, this is a time for real reflection, to look at yourselves in the mirror and be like, okay, I want to take some things that my mother or dad did.

 

00;25;42;00 – 00;26;09;08

Guarav

Maybe we had dinner every Sunday together as a family, or we went to the park every Saturday morning and it was the greatest things. And you want to continue those traditions and you should. Those things are awesome. Yeah, but there might be some toxic behaviors in there that weren’t so awesome. And it’s our job to kind of recognize those things and to heal those things in ourselves first so that we don’t, like I said previously, pass those things on unknowingly to our children.

 

00;26;09;10 – 00;26;09;23

Dr. Mona

And.

 

00;26;09;24 – 00;26;11;05

Guarav

And continue the cycle.

 

00;26;11;07 – 00;26;34;20

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I think a lot of it is being vulnerable and admitting that there is a reality here. Right? Like you talking about this and saying, hey, this didn’t work or it did work is, I think, part of humility and vulnerability, which I think are two very important qualities for any human being to say, hey, I’m okay with not being a know it all or perfect, and I’m okay with being vulnerable and especially with our families, you know?

 

00;26;34;20 – 00;26;53;19

Dr. Mona

And I keep going back to Indian-Americans because we both are Indian Americans. And I know again, that people listening who are not Indian-American can relate to this, but the the lack of being able to be vulnerable, I mean, even now. Right, we’re in our 30s. And if I’m sad or upset about something like even after Ryan’s delivery, I was so upset, right?

 

00;26;53;19 – 00;27;13;12

Dr. Mona

I mean, we both were. And being told, okay, don’t cry. It’s not a big deal. You have to be strong. I mean, it’s all well-meaning because it’s very common for people to say these things, but there wasn’t ever room for just understanding emotion and allowing vulnerability to be able to then move through the process and heal right. That’s such an important thing.

 

00;27;13;12 – 00;27;27;12

Dr. Mona

And even now, when Ryan cries, right with how he discipline when I was young, don’t cry. Stop crying, stop crying. Right? I mean, a lot of people can relate to this even now. Like you see, when Ryan cries, literally am I? I sit down on the ground and I’m like, do you need me to give you a hug?

 

00;27;27;19 – 00;27;44;16

Dr. Mona

Do you need a moment? And he calms down, right. And I really want Ryan to grow up with this feeling that, hey, you can have feelings. It’s okay to have the feelings. Obviously, you’re not allowed to stomp your feet and throw things and all of that. We need to remedy that. But if you’re having a feeling right now, I’m here for you.

 

00;27;44;21 – 00;28;02;00

Dr. Mona

And obviously as he gets older, he’ll learn coping skills. But as a toddler, allowing him to just feel his feelings and being vulnerable is such an important thing that I didn’t have. Growing up. Right? Don’t cry. Stop crying. Why are you crying? Why are you crying? Stop stop stop. Even now you know we face time with our parents.

 

00;28;02;00 – 00;28;23;26

Dr. Mona

Like when Ryan starts to cry. You can sense visible uncomfortability in the grandparents that no one likes to be around a crying child. But sometimes they are going to be sad. And we’re there as parents to help guide them through it. And we’re there to help coach them through their feelings. And with time when they understand that the emotions okay, but that the actions have to be also up to par, right?

 

00;28;23;26 – 00;28;39;21

Dr. Mona

You can’t just be throwing and kicking things like we said, but that is such an important thing for me too, that I really want to change. And I think we’re doing a great job with Ryan. Like I whenever he has those moments, you know, whether I’m alone with him or you’re with me or you’re alone with him, I think we’re on the same page about that, that.

 

00;28;39;21 – 00;28;58;27

Dr. Mona

Hey, yeah, you can be upset right now. That’s okay. But, you know, we can’t do this. We can’t do that. And there’s a lot of comfort in the feelings which I think is very valuable as a parent for a child, especially a toddler who is learning what his feelings mean, you know, to be shut down and said, stop crying, stop crying and yelling and all that, like it doesn’t help.

 

00;28;58;27 – 00;29;17;24

Dr. Mona

And I see it in Ryan’s behavior that it really works to just connect emotionally and say, hey, I got you, like even recording this with potty training, like at the time of this recording, we potty trained Ryan and he was very resistant to some things, right? He didn’t want to camp on the body. And literally I just sat there with him and said, I see that it’s something new for you.

 

00;29;18;01 – 00;29;32;05

Dr. Mona

So something really hard for you. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to not like it versus, come on, it’s a potty. Sit on it. Right? Like these vulnerable moments and just connecting with the kids. It just really helps. And I know it’s going to really help Ryan as he grows up.

 

00;29;32;08 – 00;29;54;18

Guarav

Yeah. And to just, you know, piggyback on your point and I’m going to use your example, where your parents would kind of just say, stop crying, stop crying, don’t show your feelings. What that really means and translates into is that the parent is feeling insecure with their own feelings. They think that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, right?

 

00;29;54;24 – 00;30;18;07

Guarav

Yeah. In themselves. And so they believe that crying is a sign of weakness for themselves. And so what they’re doing is they’re projecting it onto their child being like, oh, if the child is crying, then either the child is weak or I did something wrong and I don’t want to be the bad parent. So let me just cave and do whatever I can to get the child to stop crying.

 

00;30;18;09 – 00;30;34;05

Guarav

And I think that’s a lot of what we grew up with, right? Like like you said, a parents who are now grandparents, when they see their grandkids cry, they’ll go out and buy them anything. They’ll give them anything that they want in the fridge. They will buy them whatever toy they want right. And where does that come from?

 

00;30;34;05 – 00;30;56;07

Guarav

That comes from the sense that I think they think that when a child is crying or upset that they, as an adult did something wrong, right? They’re just uncomfortable with the negative emotions. Right? And that is what we have to fight. And that’s what we have to retrain, is that if your child is crying, that doesn’t mean you did something bad or you’re not a great parent.

 

00;30;56;09 – 00;31;22;06

Guarav

Quite the opposite. It’s just that your child is growing and going through things just like we all are, and learning about his or her environment and learning about boundaries and what is allowed and what is not allowed. These are just growing pains. And so we should try our hardest to just welcome those and ride them like the tide as they come in and out and not try to resist them.

 

00;31;22;09 – 00;31;45;09

Guarav

And I think that when you are resistant to those emotions it’s because there’s a resistance in yourself with those emotions. And that’s why I keep going back to doing the work internally as an adult within yourself. And healing those wounds in you will allow you to then prevent those from being passed on to that next generation.

 

00;31;45;11 – 00;32;02;24

Dr. Mona

Agree completely and meaning, you know, the things that we talked about, the body image comparison, the yelling, the failure is okay, you know, the vulnerability. These are all just such important things that I’m just so glad that we could talk about. And I, I think one of the biggest things and we’ve spoken about this is when you’re going through this, right?

 

00;32;02;24 – 00;32;23;23

Dr. Mona

You’re we’re talking about taking our childhood, looking at the good, looking at the not so great. I know a lot of people can hold resentment towards parents. I know it it’s hard not to write like the parts of your childhood that didn’t work to resent your parent, even as an adult in your 30s, 40s, 50s. How do you approach that resentment?

 

00;32;23;23 – 00;32;45;14

Dr. Mona

Like, how do you say to yourself, okay, I need to move forward from this. This is, you know, the things that your, let’s say, your mom or whoever does, you know, how can you move forward through that resentment? I mean, I have my ways on how I’m dealing with it, but I know we’ve spoken about this just to kind of say, I need to move forward and live my life and parent my kid without that noise, if you will.

 

00;32;45;17 – 00;33;05;14

Guarav

I said an immense amount of time to reflect on it. And yes, there’s a lot of things that I would say I was very angry about. But the way that I found solace is that I realized, and I came to the conclusion that we, as human beings, are all flawed in some way or shape or form. I’m flawed.

 

00;33;05;15 – 00;33;29;27

Guarav

You’re flawed. Ryan is going to have flaws, were our parents were flawed. But what I do know, and what I do realize is that my parents did the best they could with what they had in front of them. Yeah, and that’s not just financial resources. That’s psychological resources. That’s traumas that were passed down to them from their parents that they had no control over.

 

00;33;29;29 – 00;33;56;15

Guarav

And all of those things, their own growing pains were pains that I, just by the virtue of being born to them, had to endure myself. And when I started to tell myself, when I started to say it in that way, I started to develop a sense of empathy for them. That I knew that what they were doing was not intentionally meant to harm me.

 

00;33;56;18 – 00;34;23;25

Guarav

They just did not have the tools, the resources, the experience, the knowhow on how to raise two children in a new country that they’ve just moved to for the first time without any of their family nearby. And so I’m reminded that they did the best that they could with whatever knowledge and resources they had. And that has allowed me to come to peace with my upbringing.

 

00;34;24;10 – 00;34;47;27

Guarav

Whereas I could hold on to a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents, rightfully so. I choose the other direction, I choose to be empathetic and I choose to love, because I know that they were just two human beings trying to figure it out and doing the best that they could. And it wasn’t pretty by any measure at all.

 

00;34;48;00 – 00;35;08;24

Guarav

But I think if you spoke to my brother, he would 100% agree. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t ideal. It wasn’t what I would consider to be like an ideal or fun childhood that I look back on with fond memories. No, I look back with pretty bad memories, and that’s stuff that I’m still working through with my therapist on healing.

 

00;35;08;24 – 00;35;25;01

Guarav

A lot of those wounds that I had as a child, but I don’t hold my parents hostage or responsible for any of that. Yes, as a child I was helpless. But as an adult now, it’s my responsibility to deal with those things and to figure them out and to fix them.

 

00;35;25;03 – 00;35;46;17

Dr. Mona

Oh, that’s exactly it. And that last statement, because you look back and you don’t have a lot of fond memories. I do have positive memories, but I had a father who yelled and was angry and slapped me. And, you know, this is a very common thing. Corporal punishment is the lingo that we talk about it. But yes, I was slapped across my face when I wasn’t behaving and up until I was in like junior high.

 

00;35;46;17 – 00;36;03;10

Dr. Mona

So I have memories of this and it really affected me to the point where I knew that when I became a pediatrician, that it would be my mission to educate parents on why corporal punishment, why slapping is not helpful. And of course, I’ll do a whole other episode, but also on a personal level, how I did not want to do this for my own son.

 

00;36;03;10 – 00;36;20;28

Dr. Mona

And we spoken about this, right? Like, I’m going to be very honest here, like when we had Shiloh, our puppy, and oh, I’m getting a little emotional Misty here. When we had Shiloh, I. I saw that anger coming. Right? I saw that desire to want to slap Shiloh because that’s all I knew. I knew that when your get angry, you slap.

 

00;36;21;04 – 00;36;39;03

Dr. Mona

Because that’s what I grew up with. And I remember telling you that I don’t like that feeling, but that’s not something that I want, especially for my dog. But also when I have a child. And I worked on that. And I’m actually very proud of the work we’ve both done. But I do want to speak about that, that undoing that cycle, that cycle of anger and yelling.

 

00;36;39;03 – 00;36;59;08

Dr. Mona

And yes, you’re right, you you said it. That we’re both working on things. Yeah, I still yell sometimes. I still get angry. I still do things that I don’t want to do in the next 20 years. But I’m working on that because I’m human. But what I will say is that the slapping has not happened, and to me, that is a huge progress, that I’m not bringing that into my home because that was not something pleasant.

 

00;36;59;14 – 00;37;14;08

Dr. Mona

I hold on to that and like you said, when I actually told my dad, and you know this, like when I was pregnant with Ryan, I approached him and I told him that. He said, look, when you did this, when I was younger, it really hurt me. And I’m not asking for anything. I just want you to know that it hurt me.

 

00;37;14;11 – 00;37;30;28

Dr. Mona

And I talk about this in episode 107. For anyone who hasn’t listened to that episode, I talk about how forgiveness is so important in healing, and forgiveness is not forgiving what was done to you. Because I know some of you listening may have gone through extremely traumatic incidents more than what me in my husband are talking about on this episode.

 

00;37;31;00 – 00;37;48;23

Dr. Mona

Things that I see as a pediatrician. That how how can you forgive? You are not forgiving the action. You are not forgiving what was done to you. You are forgiving so that you can release that control that person or that perpetrator has over you so that you can move on with your life. And listen to episode one, two, seven when I explain the power of forgiveness.

 

00;37;48;23 – 00;38;10;19

Dr. Mona

But I forgave my dad, I said, look, I forgive you, you know? And I told him how I felt and I didn’t expect anything in return. It was just, I need you to know how I feel and that’s it. And that allowed me that when I had a son, you know, when we had our son, Ryan and I grew and he has these moments where the stress bubbles up in me and I want to yell and I want to cry.

 

00;38;10;19 – 00;38;30;20

Dr. Mona

And in a situation that my dad would have probably slapped me, I’m not. And I feel so proud of that change. But a lot of it was through forgiveness of the past and saying, hey, look, this is not happening now. I’m going to move forward. And like you said, I am now responsible for the work. I can’t go and say, well, you did this to me.

 

00;38;30;25 – 00;38;51;09

Dr. Mona

This is why I’m like this. You know, to my parents, that’s not going to help anybody, right? They’re not actively responsible for me anymore. I’m an adult, obviously. I’m married, I have a son, and we got to do the work. And that’s an uncomfortable truth for a lot of people. People want to place blame, and it doesn’t mean that of course, we all understand, like, I’m talking to you.

 

00;38;51;12 – 00;39;07;14

Dr. Mona

You’ve gone through a very traumatic childhood. We don’t even we don’t even cracked the surface. And I don’t think we need to on what happened. And it’s easy to say, well, I’m like this because of this, you know, I’m this way because of this. But then we also have to say, okay, I am in control of my emotions.

 

00;39;07;14 – 00;39;26;00

Dr. Mona

I’m in control of my circumstances now, and I have to choose how I approach the situation. And in this conversation that me and you are having, it’s how are we going to approach parenting our son with all of the wounds, the scars, the good, the bad that we have had in the last 30 something years of being a human being on this earth.

 

00;39;26;00 – 00;39;43;25

Dr. Mona

And yes, to be honest, a lot of it comes from childhood. And that’s why I’m so passionate about this podcast and this platform I have, because I do believe that a lot of it comes from the time that we are parents and, you know, we were children, and it is important that we recognize this and say, how can I make this a better experience?

 

00;39;43;25 – 00;40;19;11

Dr. Mona

And you said it perfectly that it’s all about doing the work. It’s all about understanding that we want to be better than past generations, right? We want to do things better, make things where children feel their worth, that they feel that they are capable. I mean, that I think is our parenting goals that you can agree with, that I want Ryan to know that he’s worthy, that he’s capable, and if he doesn’t know how to handle something, he always has me in you behind his back, always as he goes out into this world and navigates back to or, you know, in the future and college like that is my dream for him, that he is

 

00;40;19;11 – 00;40;48;22

Dr. Mona

capable and confident in what he knows, but knows that mom and dad are there if he needs it. And that is what I define as like my parenting goal. And I know we share that because it’s such beauty when you get to see that. And it took a lot of work to get here, you know, a lot of work in the last, I will say, ten years of knowing you that I’ve done this work, which is why I’m so excited that you join me on this podcast episode so people can hear all the things me and you have talked about, and the work in progress that we are.

 

00;40;48;22 – 00;40;53;09

Dr. Mona

And I can’t wait for you to come on again, because I know we have so much more that we can talk about.

 

00;40;53;12 – 00;41;20;17

Guarav

Well, I will say, and I’ll reiterate, everything that you’ve said is 100% accurate. It’s when we do that internal reflection and to those wounds that ourselves that we can then, you know, parent to the best of our abilities. And that’s all we can really ask for, right? Is the parent to the best of our ability. Yes. We give our children the opportunities to thrive and to grow, as they move forward and not let our own insecurities hold us and our children back.

 

00;41;20;17 – 00;41;40;22

Guarav

And and that’s what’s really important. And like you said, it takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of reflection. Everyone has the capability of doing it. And, I think just everybody that’s listening and just be reminded that you’re doing a great job. We’re all doing the best we can right now. We can all improve in certain aspects.

 

00;41;40;24 – 00;42;00;26

Guarav

That’s 100% sure. That’s for certain. For myself and for you, I’m sure Mona. But we’re all on this journey together, and it’s resources like this and podcasts like this that are part of somebody doing the work. And I’m glad to be a part of it and was excited to come back on. And I hope you will have me on again at some point.

 

00;42;01;03 – 00;42;07;06

Guarav

Of course. I don’t know. I don’t I don’t know if I’ll get a third date, but I.

 

00;42;07;08 – 00;42;27;07

Dr. Mona

I don’t know, I’ll have my people call your people and send you a zoom invite, but, no, seriously, I, I, like I said, if you have not listened to episode 122, we recorded that together about marriage. I just love having Gaurav on because one, you all don’t really see him on my Instagram. I don’t really show him he’s not very visible.

 

00;42;27;21 – 00;42;48;08

Dr. Mona

And he works, you know, as an er doctor, but also just from personal choice and I respect that. But it’s nice to be able to talk about these things that I just really feel are so important in marriage and parenting and self-growth. And so, again, thank you so much for doing this and for everyone listening. Please listen to episode 122.

 

00;42;48;08 – 00;43;08;15

Dr. Mona

Like I said, and if you really love this episode, make sure to write a review. Call out my husband’s episodes. Say that you really loved it. What you loved about this episode in particular. If you love the finding Joy series or anything about this podcast, you have to make sure you leave a review and share it on your Instagram stories and tag me, PedsDocTalk so I can reshare it.

 

00;43;08;23 – 00;43;27;22

Dr. Mona

Because I love sharing this message with the world and my husband’s message with the world as well. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review, share this episode with a friend, share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV.

 

00;43;27;25 – 00;43;28;25

Dr. Mona

We’ll talk to you soon.