I welcome Hillary, a mom from the PedsDocTalk community to chat about why toddlers are the way they are especially those two-year-olds and three-year olds. We discuss:

• What’s happening developmentally in the toddler brain
• Why is it important for a parent to understand toddler development in parenting
• Strategies to use this development for parenting wins

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;18;27

Dr. Mona

What’s happening in that brain is that they have a lot of synapses, more synapses than adults, twice as many synapses, and that synapses as, you know, our connections in the brain. Right. So synapses are how we learn. The more synapses that we have, the more we’re going to absorb. And using that terminology of their brains are like a sponge, right?

 

00;00;18;27 – 00;00;32;01

Dr. Mona

Yes. The toddler brain is like a sponge. They are absorbing everything because they have twice as many synapses as adults. So they learn faster than any other time in their life.

 

00;00;32;03 – 00;00;56;21

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. I am so grateful that you join me every week to learn about parenting tips, health and development for your child and also which is parental mindset. It is just such an honor to be able to give this information on this platform. If you love an episode, make sure you leave a rating and a review and in your review, call out the episode that you really loved and cut out the guest.

 

00;00;56;25 – 00;01;16;12

Dr. Mona

Make sure that I know that I can either invite more guests like that, or do more episodes like the ones that you’re asking for. On this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona. I welcome Hillary and she doesn’t have a particular issue or concern. She just wants to talk about child development. And I love talking about child development.

 

00;01;16;14 – 00;01;27;05

Dr. Mona

We go over the terrible twos and the three major terminology and what actually is happening in the toddler brain during these years.

 

00;01;27;08 – 00;01;33;07

Dr. Mona

Hey Hillary, thank you so much for joining me on the podcast. So tell me what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;01;33;10 – 00;02;01;27

Hillary

Hi, doctor. Mona and so excited to be here. And what’s on my mind today? So I have a daughter, Finlay, who’s to about to be two and a half, and I’ve just been thinking a lot about kind of child development. And, you know, you hear these buzzwords of, like, the terrible twos and three teenagers, and I really just wanted to kind of pick your brain and have a conversation about, like, what’s actually happening in the toddler brain, in a child’s brain, like during this time.

 

00;02;02;18 – 00;02;09;03

Hillary

And how that, you know, may be impacting their behavior, emotions, like all of those sorts of things.

 

00;02;09;19 – 00;02;28;01

Dr. Mona

I love this. I love talking about this stuff. Child development is my jam. So when I saw that you wanted to talk about this, I was really excited, Hilary, because I was like, normally people come on and have like a specific question like, hey, I need help with X, Y, or Z. And I love that you just wanted to talk about development, because that’s what all of this is, right?

 

00;02;28;02 – 00;03;01;08

Dr. Mona

Monday mornings with Doctor Mona and my podcast is about child development. And then obviously parenting goes hand in hand with that, right? Understanding child development is the first app to be able to know how to parent them. Like if you don’t understand the why, why is my kid like this? Why is my kid getting upset over something that seems very little to me, but as big to them, it can really help you approach it with some sensitivity, approach it with some calm, and approach it with an understanding that this is an opportunity for them to learn versus being upset at them, you know, and I know we’re all going to be there.

 

00;03;01;08 – 00;03;12;07

Dr. Mona

We’re all going to have those moments where our toddler is driving us, nuts. But it’s definitely really nice to have the Y. And so I’m really grateful that you came on to talk about this. Now, how old is your daughter?

 

00;03;12;10 – 00;03;23;21

Hillary

Yeah. So, she will be two and a half, two days from this recording. So on the 18th. Okay. Yeah. So she was born just before the pandemic.

 

00;03;23;23 – 00;03;56;01

Dr. Mona

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So you’re. Yeah. Since, I mean, timing wise, I mean, Ryan is a December 2019 baby, so we are very similar in that 2 to 3 year age group, which is that quote unquote terrible twos and three major. And you know, you said that terminology. So most people in the parenting world when I say parenting world like, you know, accounts that you may follow on social media or parenting, people who write books, however, don’t love the terminology because it can be associated with some, oh gosh, they’re just being like a brat.

 

00;03;56;01 – 00;04;13;11

Dr. Mona

Like terrible twos. Three nature, right? And like, it can make it seem like they’re a nuisance in a way. But some parents use it and they understand it, that it’s just their development. So I’m not going to say to everyone listening that if you’ve used terrible twos or used three nature, but you understand child development, that’s fine, right?

 

00;04;13;11 – 00;04;26;18

Dr. Mona

Like I get it that you’re just saying it because it is kind of crazy sometimes it is kind of, you know, hard to manage. But I really want us to kind of normalize again, that toddler brain. So yeah, you know, I think that. Yeah.

 

00;04;26;21 – 00;05;07;10

Hillary

Oh, I’m sorry. I was just going to say, like, I think that’s sort of what sparked my interest because I’m a school counselor by trade and so I have a background in development a bit from not as much of, you know, the medical perspective as you do, obviously as a doctor, but just sort of seeing what I see as a parent day to day and wanting to understand what’s happening, because otherwise it is super frustrating and, you know, it’s easier, I think, to have a bit of empathy or perspective of like, no, this is actually exactly what my daughter is supposed to be doing right now at this age because of like how her brain

 

00;05;07;10 – 00;05;15;22

Hillary

is developing. So I think that’s what I was like, hoping to get a little bit more insight into, when I kind of posed the question.

 

00;05;15;24 – 00;05;36;26

Dr. Mona

And I think any parent, even if you have a child who’s an infant or maybe your child older at college, will understand that there’s going to be a lot of periods of growth spurts emotionally, growth spurts physically and growth spurts cognitively. And to me, when I look at child development, there are two really big periods of cognitive development.

 

00;05;36;26 – 00;05;56;14

Dr. Mona

And that is the toddler years and the teenage years. Okay, so your toddler years, I’m talking between the ages of 2 to 3, three and a half. And what’s happening in that brain is that they have a lot of synapses, more synapses than adults, twice as many synapses, and that synapses, as, you know, are connections in the brain.

 

00;05;56;14 – 00;06;23;02

Dr. Mona

Right? So synapses are how we learn. The more synapses that we have, the more we’re going to absorb. And using that terminology of their brains are like a sponge, right? Yes. The toddler brain is like a sponge. They are absorbing everything because they have twice as many synapses as adults. So they learn faster than any other time in their life, and therefore they’re the experiences that they have at this time frame, like the 2 to 4 is actually really important to me.

 

00;06;23;02 – 00;06;39;07

Dr. Mona

That’s why early childhood education and early childhood development is such a passion of mine, because they are learning and absorbing. So observing language, right. You got to be careful with the things that we say, you know, that really could hurt or seeing, you know, all of that. They are going to mimic a lot of the words, how people interact.

 

00;06;39;07 – 00;07;00;07

Dr. Mona

Right? They’re absorbing human nature. Like how does my mom interact with this other lady? How does my mom interact with my father or my other parent? You know, they’re going to be looking at all of those things. They’re going to remember faces, places. They’re going to be able to repeat stories to you, and you’re going to say, oh, there’s no way that they’re going to remember that, but they actually have a pretty good memory.

 

00;07;00;07 – 00;07;19;23

Dr. Mona

I mean, most people say that memories are created after 4 or 5 years old, but I do believe that children as young as two have memories. You know, they have memories that they can recall in their childhood. Maybe not forever. Will they hold on to that memory, but they can say three months later, oh yeah, mommy, you dropped your hat or something like that was more kind of scary or something.

 

00;07;19;23 – 00;07;42;18

Dr. Mona

You know, memories tend to be associated with things that are more emotionally driven. So it’s like there was something scary or exciting. They’re more likely to remember that. And that’s just kind of how memory works. But their cognitive development is skyrocketing when their language is catching up. And that is what I think the key is to understand between the ages of 2 to 3 is that their brain has so many synapses, right?

 

00;07;42;18 – 00;08;08;03

Dr. Mona

They think they know so much because they are learning so much, but their language can’t keep up with it. And it will. Right? They’re going to learn the language. But imagine you knowing as much as you do as an adult and not being able to communicate it right. They are learning so much about their world. And so when they get frustrated, right, the terrible two or the three nature, their frustration is coming from so many places, obviously.

 

00;08;08;03 – 00;08;30;15

Dr. Mona

Are they hungry? You know, are they tired? But also a lot of it is the lack of being able to communicate their newfound autonomy, their newfound desire for telling you that they’re an individual, you know, they want to show you what they want, but they can’t figure out how to do it. And that is why it can be so frustrating as a parent watching that, because you’re like, okay, what are you trying to tell me?

 

00;08;30;15 – 00;08;38;01

Dr. Mona

And they’re all speaking gibberish. I don’t know if you’re listening to speaking and sometimes just starts rambling and you’re like, you have words. What’s going on here?

 

00;08;38;04 – 00;09;00;16

Hillary

Yeah, no. Family is super verbal. And she has been sent like just before too, I would say. But definitely this summer has just like, exploded her vocabulary. And we’ve like, traveled a bunch. And I know you’ve always said like on different podcast episodes and like on your Instagram that like when you travel in like new experiences. So that makes total sense to me.

 

00;09;00;16 – 00;09;21;16

Hillary

Like being exposed to new things and places and people and all of that just like broadens their perspective so much. And they’re like learning all that new vocabulary. So we’ve definitely seen that with Finley this summer. And so sometimes I have to remind myself, like, she is super verbal, but she’s only two and a half. And so like she does say things, I’m like, what are you talking about?

 

00;09;21;16 – 00;09;49;27

Hillary

Like what’s going on? And I’m like, wait, what? Or like, you know, she wants to know what I see as, like, wanting to assert her independence. And those, like, boundaries sometimes can also be difficult. Right. Because I want to, you know, keep her safe and, like, not let her do anything too, like off the rails. But I also want her to, like, be able to take risks and, like, know that that’s okay.

 

00;09;50;25 – 00;10;01;08

Hillary

So I think that’s like sort of a question or like gray area for me too, of like how to navigate that, you know, given where she is developmentally.

 

00;10;01;11 – 00;10;20;23

Dr. Mona

And, you know, we’ll definitely get to that because one of the biggest things you said that I loved is that you have to remember when she’s emotional or acting like a toddler because she is, that you have to remember that she is a child because, yeah, you’re right. I think what happens is that you see this individual in front of you who’s blossoming in language, right?

 

00;10;20;23 – 00;10;38;26

Dr. Mona

Maybe telling you full sentences and indicating what she wants. And so your brain is telling you, oh, yeah, you know what you need to do. You know that you’re supposed to sit down on the couch and not walk on the couch. You know that you’re supposed to do x, y, and Z, but their brain, although it is developing in a rapid speed, it’s not the brain of a adult, obviously.

 

00;10;38;26 – 00;10;57;01

Dr. Mona

Right. So it is respecting that and respecting that is one of the biggest keys because that is why I think so many people get frustrated with toddlers. Right? Because you’re looking at your beautiful child and you’re expecting, I think, too much from your child because of how developed they are, but they’re not developed enough to know right from wrong.

 

00;10;57;01 – 00;11;18;20

Dr. Mona

Every given day, the repetition from us becomes very key, right? So I talk a lot about consistency, repetition, and persistence in parenting, right? Like you got to remember that you’re going to be like a broken record as a mom and as a parent. The things that you’re trying to teach and showing them what is quote unquote right and wrong, like using behaviors.

 

00;11;18;20 – 00;11;44;23

Dr. Mona

Right. You want to show them all the good things that you’re trying to teach them versus always telling them, stop, stop, don’t, don’t be careful. Do it. All right. You really want to highlight the right things that they’re doing and guiding them and showing them so those synapses get stronger, right? When we talk about this from a child development standpoint, when I go back to the whole synapses, if we’re going to be building synapses that are firing at rapid speed, that are twice the level of an adult, right?

 

00;11;44;28 – 00;12;08;15

Dr. Mona

We want to build the positive synapses that show them that they’re loved, which I know you’re doing, and also showing them what they are doing. Right, so that it’s a positive reinforcement pathway. Right? I cannot stress enough the importance of always highlighting the good things that they’re doing. So take an example of your child is, you know, getting too close to the edge of a street.

 

00;12;08;19 – 00;12;23;28

Dr. Mona

Okay. Like you’re just going, I’m going to use this example, like with Ryan Scootering, he scooters down the street and he’s getting very close. And I we play this game where I’ll say, okay, Ryan, when I say freeze, you have to slow down on your scooter, okay? And you make it fun. And so then he freezes and I’m like, great job freezing.

 

00;12;24;03 – 00;12;42;05

Dr. Mona

And then one time he actually started approaching and he slowed down on his own without me saying freeze, because I show him that there’s a white line that he can’t go past. Right? Because when the white line is there, there’s cars going. So I’m explaining to him that, hey, there’s cars. And so when he does stop you are highlighting the right and saying, hey, great job.

 

00;12;42;05 – 00;12;59;28

Dr. Mona

You saw that the white line was there and that there are going to be cars. So you slow down. That’s very good. Versus stop, stop stop stop stop. Don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t. Because that puts a little bit more worry. Fear okay. What’s going on here. But these are all things that can really help the focusing highlighting the right things that they’re doing.

 

00;12;59;28 – 00;13;16;18

Dr. Mona

So children when they feel praised, they do feel better. And you’re not rolling out a red carpet. You’re not saying like you’re the best kid. Oh my gosh, for stopping. But you are recognizing and saying, hey, great job listening to mommy. I noticed that you did that right. Not like here’s a candy. Here’s this. Like, you don’t need to give them anything.

 

00;13;16;18 – 00;13;32;22

Dr. Mona

It’s verbal acknowledgment, if you will. That really, really helps. And then that second thing is the consistency and being so understanding that it’s going to feel like a broken record, you’re going to feel so many times like a parent that, okay, why is my two and a half year old who is very bright? I it sounds like it, right?

 

00;13;32;22 – 00;13;50;12

Dr. Mona

Like she’s probably so bright. But you’re like, why I told you this two days ago. Why are you not remembering it? It’s their short term memory. And long term memory is not quite as good as ours, even though it may seem like it is. So we have to have some understanding that you’re going to have to repeat the boundaries multiple times.

 

00;13;50;12 – 00;14;06;00

Dr. Mona

And it’s all about being consistent with it, right? Don’t give up on the boundary you’re trying to create. And you can give me an example of like an a boundary that is cut. You’re kind of struggling with that two and a half year old because I get it. They will. I hate using the term. They’re not testing us, but they are very curious about the world.

 

00;14;06;00 – 00;14;25;24

Dr. Mona

Right. They’re not trying to make anything difficult. You know, children, that’s not their mission to make our lives difficult. But they are wondering what’s going to happen if they do a certain activity or if I do this, is there going to be a rule or boundary that my parent or caregiver is going to try to place? So it really is about us coming from a place of, okay, I get this.

 

00;14;25;24 – 00;14;35;22

Dr. Mona

Your brain is firing at a rapid speed and I got to teach you the positive things to do and really work on building those positive synapses, because that’s what’s happening at this age.

 

00;14;35;25 – 00;14;55;05

Hillary

Yeah, absolutely. I think this isn’t necessarily like a physical boundary, but something that just happened this evening and kind of popped into my brain as you were talking. We have a split level house, and we were on one floor and Finley said, oh, I want to go downstairs and watch TV. And I said, oh, we’re not going to watch TV right now.

 

00;14;55;05 – 00;15;21;13

Hillary

You know, maybe later, probably tomorrow. And so we’re going to stay up here right now. And she thought of copter ahead and looked at me and said, or we could go downstairs now. Mama and I was like to say, yeah. And, you know, to your point of like, feeling like a broken record, it’s like we can get into these situations where it’s like, Elijah told you that, or I tell you that all the time, or like, you know, that sort of thing.

 

00;15;21;13 – 00;15;47;22

Hillary

And it’s like, no, like, you know, we do watch screen time. I’ve nothing against that. But like, you know, try and enjoy the time that we have together when she gets home from daycare and I’m home from work. So that’s like, not how we love to spend it all the time. So it’s like wanting her to know that that’s, you know, a privilege and like more of a special thing, but also like she’s like, well, what’s going to happen if I just say, well, we could do it now instead of later and kind of like challenge that a little bit.

 

00;15;47;25 – 00;15;59;25

Hillary

So again, that’s like glass of a physical boundary aspect and like not a safety issue but more of like a well, let’s just see what happens if I, you know, push against mom here a little bit.

 

00;15;59;28 – 00;16;10;28

Dr. Mona

And in that situation she’s just very matter of fact about, well, maybe we can do this right. There wasn’t any like tantrum at that point or like a meltdown. You’re just saying, like, she’s just so wise and trying to negotiate stuff out of you.

 

00;16;11;01 – 00;16;13;22

Hillary

Exactly, exactly. Yeah, it’s not a tantrum.

 

00;16;13;22 – 00;16;15;01

Dr. Mona

I love this very like.

 

00;16;15;04 – 00;16;21;18

Hillary

Yeah. Kind of. Well, I’m just gonna give you a little bit of a taste of your own medicine, mom, and see what happens.

 

00;16;21;21 – 00;16;39;06

Dr. Mona

Well, what’s happening here? I didn’t get to talk about this, but it’s such a great leeway here is so before the age of two. And I want to be clear that it’s not like a hard and fast. Okay. A child turns to and they all of a sudden have this development. It’s going to be around you. I’m curious if you saw this before too, but I’m gonna explain what was happening.

 

00;16;39;06 – 00;16;57;24

Dr. Mona

But I saw it in Ryan at 18 months. And I also see like so when people talk about the terrible twos, right. I actually saw two year old behavior at 18 months, and I saw three year old behavior at two and a half years old. I’m seeing it half an hour before the time. And so what’s happening between, let’s say, the ages of 18 months and beyond?

 

00;16;57;26 – 00;17;13;23

Dr. Mona

So the brain, you know, you have the right side and the left side and you have the emotional side and you have the logical side. So your right side is that expressive, creative. It’s the more emotional side, whereas the left side is more of the logical and analytical. And I’m going to try to negotiate things out of you.

 

00;17;13;23 – 00;17;31;29

Dr. Mona

So it sounds like your daughter is very understanding of the logic. Right. Because and that’s actually a really great skill. And that’s something we do see after two and a half, three. And you know, your child is approaching three years of age. So we all have this as adults, right? We all should be able to take an emotional aspect and eventually get to the logic.

 

00;17;32;04 – 00;17;50;06

Dr. Mona

Children. Yeah. Between the ages of two and three are still figuring out how to bridge those two things, right? How do I create an understanding between emotions and logic? So, for example, if they’re having a meltdown when they’re having a meltdown, if you try to explain logic to a child who’s having a meltdown, they’re not going to hear it, right?

 

00;17;50;06 – 00;18;06;10

Dr. Mona

Yeah. If a child is saying something logical like your daughter just did, you are going to need it with logic also, right? You’re not going to get all emotional with her. You don’t have to be all sensitive. I mean, you’re a mother. I know you are, but it’s important to meet them where they are. And it sounds like that is when that shift happens.

 

00;18;06;10 – 00;18;23;17

Dr. Mona

Three years old is when I see a huge shift in understanding more logic. But some kids as early as two, two and a half will start to try to get that logic out of you, right? Well, yeah, you just told me that maybe you will watch tomorrow. No, I want to watch today. And you know, a three year old, a three year old.

 

00;18;23;17 – 00;18;42;16

Dr. Mona

And the reason why I think a lot of parents can find three year olds to be more difficult is, quote unquote, than a two year old. They have a lot more autonomy. And those bridges, those bridges between emotional and the logical side is better. Right. So they are building those bridges, but they yet don’t have that developed brain of an adult.

 

00;18;42;16 – 00;19;10;12

Dr. Mona

Right. So they’re building the bridges. They think they know a lot and they want a lot of autonomy. So you’re going to call them a three nature because they’re more defiant, right. They’re going to say no, no, no. They want control and power similar to a teenager. So yeah, in this situation, having them, you know, being able to allow them opportunities to make appropriate decisions when they’re able to you can lead to more freedom and less resistance at other times.

 

00;19;10;12 – 00;19;29;21

Dr. Mona

So in this situation that you gave. Right. Really like saying, hey, I think that’s really great. Yes. You I see that you really want to watch that. And we’re going to watch tomorrow, you know, very matter of fact. But recognizing that, hey, that’s a really good point. Like recognizing her logic that yeah, that’s a really good point. But right now we’re going to go to bed and tomorrow we can watch it.

 

00;19;29;24 – 00;19;46;27

Dr. Mona

Right. And making that so matter of fact not oh crap. Like you’re right. Now what do I do right. You’re praising her for understanding the logic, but you’re also still holding that, for a boundary for her so that she understands. Oh, yeah, I know what I’m trying to do here, but mommy, my caregiver, is still the boss, you know, and I.

 

00;19;47;01 – 00;19;53;07

Dr. Mona

And she respects me, but I still have to, you know, kind of do as I’m told in this, respectful boundary home, you know?

 

00;19;53;09 – 00;20;19;00

Hillary

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. No, that may be a lot of sense. And I think, you know, to your point, for me, I really enjoy like the two year old until now phase with, you know, a decent amount of tantrums. I would say like maybe like 16 to 20 months when she wasn’t as verbal as, like, definitely saw that frustration.

 

00;20;19;02 – 00;20;38;09

Hillary

And I think now, don’t get me wrong, we certainly have our tantrums. But it is more of that like logical piece of like, okay, not I don’t want to say manipulative because she’s not that way at all, but just like pushing a little bit and like seeing if, you know, she can just say matter of factly, well, you said this, but what about this?

 

00;20;38;09 – 00;20;51;27

Hillary

But I think it makes a lot of sense having that like that bridge and comparing it to like the quote unquote deficiency that we tend to see or, you know, stereotype more or less in the teenage years.

 

00;20;51;29 – 00;21;21;28

Dr. Mona

Yeah, it definitely it. And you’re, you’re right on that 16 to 20 months. Like I actually think 14 months to 22 months was actually the hardest, in terms of development and behavior because of that lack of being able to communicate. But the brain moving at a pace that they wanted to. Right? So again, going back to the point that if you were not able to communicate your desire for control, autonomy, your feelings as an adult, imagine how hard that would be if you had no one who would be able to hear you out, right?

 

00;21;22;08 – 00;21;39;10

Dr. Mona

Right. However you communicate. So it’s so hard, to have that. And it’s a definitely a learning process for parents to kind of understand that. Oh yeah. So I’m going to just hold some space and kind of have some grace for my child, who’s really when you look at this age, it’s like you said, a really cool developmental age.

 

00;21;39;10 – 00;21;59;06

Dr. Mona

And that’s why I love talking about toddlers, because their brain is under construction. You know, they’re constantly building that bridge, like I’m talking about between the emotional side and the logical side that is going to get there. And usually I find that by 4 or 5 years old, just naturally we do see it. But of course, parents have to foster that.

 

00;21;59;06 – 00;22;22;08

Dr. Mona

And it’s going to be, you know, how we approach parenting that can really help make that bridge even more strong and more stable, but is something that we will see that, yes, these sort of ability to kind of explain things. Right. The why you can’t do this because you can’t see that because the why is going to be so much more easily understood to them as they get older, four and five.

 

00;22;22;08 – 00;22;45;28

Dr. Mona

But you can still talk to your two and a half year old and be firm on the boundary. And also explain to them why we do something, just not when they’re like dysregulated or emotional, but what you’re doing with your daughter, right? She was showing you a logical side. It’s absolutely reasonable to talk to her about logic. Like, yeah, that’s great, but then we have to go to bed and you have to go to bed to get rest before school, right?

 

00;22;45;28 – 00;23;07;01

Dr. Mona

Because we want to be well rested for school. So that’s how you flip the logical side that you’re seeing of her into something that makes sense for her. Like, oh yeah, I love going to school and I have to get sleep. You know? So yeah, that’s kind of how we work it, because you’re right on with Ryan. Like he is in this extremely logical phase, trying to negotiate more books at bedtime, trying to get all the stuff out of us.

 

00;23;07;07 – 00;23;20;07

Dr. Mona

And like you said, it’s not manipulation. You know, I get it. That word does not sound great. It’s not manipulation. They’re trying to just again, learn about what can they get out of us. So yes, using the term manipulative, but that just sounds not great. It.

 

00;23;20;09 – 00;23;21;26

Hillary

Has like a negative connotation.

 

00;23;21;26 – 00;23;40;02

Dr. Mona

It has a negative connotation, but it is in a way that they’re just trying to figure out again, well, how can I push this authority figure, which is my caregiver? How can I get what I want? Because I now understand, as a two and a three year old that I’m not this baby that’s attached to my caregiver anymore.

 

00;23;40;02 – 00;23;59;22

Dr. Mona

I’m my own person. And that’s kind of why I say it’s very similar to the teenagers, and that there’s a lot of identity and understanding of self that occurs mostly the two plus your age group, because they’re like, oh, I used to be attached to this human being, like, meaning, you know, like I used to go to this adult for all of my needs, right?

 

00;23;59;26 – 00;24;17;02

Dr. Mona

To be fed like they can’t feed themselves, you know, to be be like all this. And now I’m able to feed myself with the spoon. Now I’m able to walk. Now I’m able to do all of these things on my own. But of course, I still need my caregiver. So that’s why they’re going to push you because they’re like, no, no, no, I’m my own individual.

 

00;24;17;05 – 00;24;21;28

Dr. Mona

But you still need to take care of them, right? Because they’re too. Yeah, yeah.

 

00;24;22;00 – 00;24;43;29

Hillary

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I just like the her little brain just like exploding. And I’m like, you are. You know, I kind of joke to my husband all the time. Like, she has this, like, memory of a steel trap like thing that happened or that we said weeks or months ago, she’ll, like, bring back up. I’m like, where did that even come from?

 

00;24;43;29 – 00;25;07;12

Hillary

Like, how are you making those connections? But they really are just, like soaking it all in and like putting all the pieces together. And it’s just. Yeah, super fascinating to me. And yeah, all that you shared has been super helpful to kind of put the pieces together for myself and, you know, continue to help her learn how to navigate her world as it’s expanding around her.

 

00;25;07;14 – 00;25;22;28

Dr. Mona

And you have brought up that you traveled. Right. I want to bring up like, you know, again, because I think the ages of let’s use 18 months, if you will, but 18 months to five years, I think is really vital for the synapses. Right? Of course, before 18 months is important for the emotional bond, the emotional connection that we create.

 

00;25;22;28 – 00;25;55;03

Dr. Mona

All of that’s important. But things like traveling, things like group childcare, things like playdates, things like experiences, you know, I’m not saying that people need to book a fancy vacation to go somewhere, but I’m talking about experiences going on a road trip, going into your backyard and having like, again, like a little backyard camp out. Like all of those experiences is something that is really going to help, like you said, language development, but also foster the other domains of development that are really budding at this age, which is cognitive development.

 

00;25;55;06 – 00;26;14;22

Dr. Mona

If you’ve been following, I know you’ve been following me, but for anyone who is not privy to my education on child development, you have four major domains, right? You have cognitive. You have language and communication, you have motor, and then you have social and emotional. So cognitive development is the domain of development that I don’t think gets as much love.

 

00;26;15;07 – 00;26;36;29

Dr. Mona

Because it’s not the thing that’s usually as visible. Right. You can see someone walking, you see someone ride their bike, you see you hear someone speaking a social emotional is the bond that we create with a caregiver. But social and emotional and cognitive is just so key to any child, but especially in this 2 to 5 year old age group because of the amount of synapses that are being created.

 

00;26;36;29 – 00;26;53;17

Dr. Mona

So I love that you said that you went on vacation and right on, your child is developing language on that trip because their cognitive development is budding, but they’re also in a new environment, which means a lot more interesting things to look at. And then when you’re pointing it out with her, she’s going to be like, oh, cool.

 

00;26;53;17 – 00;27;13;05

Dr. Mona

And you’re also in a new environment. It gets really boring being in your house all day. It’s talking about the same things over and over. That is why we see children have language development on vacations. And I’m a big believer because anytime I go on a vacation with Ryan, or anytime I spend one on one time with him, like for the last two weeks, he’s been home for from the time of this recording.

 

00;27;13;06 – 00;27;31;14

Dr. Mona

Yeah, because of school, I’m home more, and so I had to cut back on work and stuff. But they learn a lot from their caregiver. I mean a lot. And that’s not putting pressure on caregivers at all. At all, at all. That’s just saying when you do get those moments with your toddler or child. So let’s just use, you know, you worked all day and you do get home.

 

00;27;31;17 – 00;27;50;10

Dr. Mona

Try your hardest to give that one on one ten minute connection, 15 minute connection so that we can help build those synapses. I’m not asking you to be at home eight hours, nine hours a day. I also work, but you are going to get so much more in one on one face to face communication, or even sitting on a couch and watching a favorite show together.

 

00;27;50;10 – 00;28;10;25

Dr. Mona

I mean, there’s so many different ways to create that sort of joint social emotional connection to foster that language and cognitive development, and that’s how you’re going to see it blossom. And I just, I like, love, love, love, love talking about this, as you can hear. Because it’s just it’s a beautiful thing. Children. The child brain is unbelievably fascinating.

 

00;28;10;25 – 00;28;30;12

Dr. Mona

And I just think it’s so. And when you can look at it at that lens of, oh yeah, they’re sponges and they’re growing and this is just their brain synapses firing. And that’s what me and my husband always say. Whenever Ryan’s having a meltdown or whenever he doesn’t, is not getting his way. Or even when he is doing something that he’s learning something, we’re like, look at those synapses go right?

 

00;28;30;12 – 00;28;44;16

Dr. Mona

And it actually adds levity to a situation. And we always say, like, hey, you’re learning. Like when he’s having a meltdown, you’re learning right now. You’re learning that you want to watch this, but you can’t watch it. And that’s okay. But we’re not going to let you watch it. It’s okay. And we just allow him to just feel.

 

00;28;44;16 – 00;29;05;09

Dr. Mona

And then eventually he goes through it, right. Because he understands. Oh, well, I’m not gonna be able to cry to get more screen time. Okay. So so it really is just having that sort of matter of fact. And like I said, highlighting the right the consistency that you’re doing what you are. And for your toddler, like I said, making sure you give more opportunities for control and yeses whenever you can.

 

00;29;05;09 – 00;29;26;01

Dr. Mona

So the more they hear that they’re able to do something, the less they’re going to defy you or try to push you in other scenarios, you know? So yeah, any opportunity you can give them control. I’m talking at mealtime. Blue spoon, green spoon. Let them decide. Choose. Let them decide any time they when they start to realize that they have some control, they’re going to push you less at bedtime.

 

00;29;26;01 – 00;29;37;07

Dr. Mona

They’re going to push you less at meal times when they are realizing that, oh, I actually do have a little bit of say, even though you are the one who’s deciding the two spoons that are there for three.

 

00;29;37;09 – 00;29;56;03

Hillary

No, I think that’s a really good point. And I think that’s something that can be hard in the day to day. Like we’re getting ready in the morning. You know, I haven’t gone back to work yet this summer, so it’s been a little bit easier. But like my husband and I both have to be out the door at 730 and we have to get fully dressed for daycare.

 

00;29;56;03 – 00;30;23;26

Hillary

And it’s like, yes, I want you to have the option to pick out your clothes for the day. And I do try and do that. And when you, you know, takes you however long, which is longer than I would like you to take at that moment, you know, it’s like, okay, give her the space to make this decision on her own and, you know, allow her that autonomy instead of, like, getting frazzled and, like, working late and like that.

 

00;30;23;26 – 00;30;39;27

Hillary

So for me, that’s like a balance that I have to walk. But I do think it’s so important, like you said. And, you know, if that’s not the time that works for us as a family because of time constraints or whatever the case might be like, looking for other opportunities throughout our day.

 

00;30;39;29 – 00;30;54;20

Dr. Mona

And one of the biggest tips I know this is not why you came on, but going to that comment is, yeah, I mean, we want to foster their development, but we also have a life to live and I respect that completely. Working full time and the schedule that we have tip is always try to pick out the clothes the night before.

 

00;30;54;20 – 00;31;06;28

Dr. Mona

So the less time in the morning. Right. So hey. Yeah. What do you want to pick up for tomorrow. One and number two. Just so you are, you do have to get somewhere because that is a reality. I’m not going to lie. Like starting soon, I’m going to have to drop my son off by 8 a.m. and I’m like, wow, that’s super early.

 

00;31;06;28 – 00;31;28;10

Dr. Mona

And I got to get to my office and this and that. So when you are trying to make things move faster, but you also want to give them some power, you definitely just want to watch your tone and that really is going to help and make it more jovial like mommy’s going to put this on for you, and we’re going to, you know, you’re going to be very like singsong and like make it very matter of fact versus, okay, we got to go.

 

00;31;28;10 – 00;31;40;17

Dr. Mona

We got to go to, you know, like when you start to make it more like like a game almost like, okay, mom is going to put this on. Here we go. Give me your arm. Give me your arm. You’re still. Yeah. It’s okay to do a little bit for them if you got to get out. Like because I get it.

 

00;31;40;17 – 00;31;59;20

Dr. Mona

We have to be places. And I wish we lived in a world where there was no time crunch or deadline. But I get it. There’s still there’s kids. I mean, in my ideal situation, I would give them all the freedom and time in the world, and I’m sure many parents can do that. But I also respect that a lot of us, maybe some of us listening, do not have that all the time.

 

00;31;59;20 – 00;32;17;08

Dr. Mona

But when you are trying to create a non-Russian environment for your child, and I could record a whole other episode about how much I hate when people rush me like I hate it. And I think it comes from my childhood where I always, always rush to finish faster, to eat, finish faster, to get ready. So this is how we create more levity, right?

 

00;32;17;08 – 00;32;32;23

Dr. Mona

We’re like, okay, we’re going to go, okay, mom is going to help you. Not a mom is going to help you because we’re running late. Just it’s going to help you. Let’s do this. Let’s get this. Oh, you picked out a really great shirt today. Let’s get this on. So you’re not explaining to her we’re we’re doing this because I got to get somewhere and you’re making me late.

 

00;32;32;23 – 00;32;48;02

Dr. Mona

You’re just saying, let’s do this. I’m going to help you today. And that’s it? Yeah. The weekends when you have nowhere to go, we give her all the time in the world. If she wants to take an hour to get her one sleeve on. That’s right. We have nowhere to go. But I do. We have to balance real life, and I.

 

00;32;48;04 – 00;32;51;04

Dr. Mona

You know, I’m all about that on this podcast and in my platform for sure.

 

00;32;51;07 – 00;33;12;07

Hillary

Yeah. No. Absolutely. Absolutely. So now I think that that’s super helpful and just yeah, like I said before, just kind of putting those pieces together for myself and for my husband to be able to, you know, provide that foundation for her as she is in this like sort of pivotal time where so much is happening.

 

00;33;12;10 – 00;33;28;28

Dr. Mona

Yes. This is such a great conversation. I hope it was helpful to you. And you got some, you know, insight into that, developing brain. And so when you know, Finlay’s doing something that you’re like, I don’t know what you know, like why you’re kind of like, yeah, I know why your brain is just developing the synapses. And I’m going to help you.

 

00;33;29;09 – 00;33;40;13

Dr. Mona

And it just and again, it just helps our mood because I get it. I know this is not an easy age. I know there’s so many phases in parenting that have, you know, has their ups and downs. And I kind of like to look at this as a big picture of, okay, we’re going to get through this.

 

00;33;40;13 – 00;33;45;13

Dr. Mona

And I know you’re doing an amazing job. And again, thank you, coach, for joining me on this episode today.

 

00;33;45;20 – 00;34;01;09

Hillary

No this has been amazing. Thank you so, so much for having me. It’s been really wonderful to chat and learn from you. And yeah, I know that you’ll have lots more to share, you know, on your platform and look forward to to catching up on it all.

 

00;34;01;12 – 00;34;23;12

Dr. Mona

So as you can see, I love talking about child development and behavior. It brings me so much joy because I love children and I love explaining to parents and caregivers why they are the way that they are, because sometimes it can give us a little more compassion when they are having a meltdown or acting a certain way. And it also can help us get the tools to be able to approach certain situations.

 

00;34;23;14 – 00;34;42;16

Dr. Mona

So at the end of every Monday mornings, a doctor morning episode, I wrap it up with three principles. But Hilary didn’t have a particular question. We just talked about child development in general, which is so awesome to me. But I do want to wrap up with those three things that I did mention to her that can be applied in the two year old, three year old, four year old age group and beyond.

 

00;34;42;18 – 00;35;07;10

Dr. Mona

And that includes highlighting the right things. You know, the toddler brain is developing at an alarming rate. Those synapses are firing so rapidly, and they have twice as many synapses as we do as adults. So by highlighting the right things that you want them to do, focusing on the things that you want rather than constantly telling them, don’t, don’t, don’t, you are helping build those synapses that we want to build, those connections that we want to foster.

 

00;35;07;15 – 00;35;23;06

Dr. Mona

And that’s what’s going to sit in their memory. Going on to memory. You have to also respect the fact that a two, three, four year old, even an older child, is not going to have the memory where you tell them once and they’re going to do it for the rest of their lives. You have to have repetition for the boundaries that are important to you.

 

00;35;23;06 – 00;35;42;00

Dr. Mona

That is what me and Hillary talked about as consistency. And number three, which I think is so important in all ages, toddlers and older, is allowing more opportunities for yes, when it’s safe for them and when it’s a possibility. Of course, as they’re a parent, you are in charge of setting healthy boundaries, but give them control when you are able to.

 

00;35;42;00 – 00;36;00;14

Dr. Mona

The example I gave is the blue or green spoon. What do they want to eat? Giving them a couple options or giving them full control over what’s for dinner on a Friday night? If it’s an older child, right? Allow them some control in your life so they’re not trying to push it in other aspects of your day or situations.

 

00;36;00;16 – 00;36;18;29

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me on this episode. Again, if you love this episode, Monday mornings, a doctor on a series can finding Joy series or any podcast episode make sure to leave a review and rating and share this episode on your Instagram stories or social media. Tag me. Share the love and I can’t wait to talk to another parent next week.