There are so many decisions and things we do in parenting that can fill us with guilt. In this episode, I go over 5 things I commonly hear parents feel bad about, but they shouldn’t (Frankly, the list could have been even longer).

On this episode I go over:

• Looking at your goals and what makes sense to you as a parent
• Following recommendations and remembering that can be just recommendations
• Creating balance in our schedule
• Looking at the big picture in parenting

00;00;01;02 – 00;00;26;09

Dr. Mona

So much of information out there are recommendations. Recommendations I hope you listen to. But you can make rules based on these recommendations. They’re not set in stone and you can be flexible if you want. Know the best recommendations for health, safety and development for kids and make the choices that make sense. Understanding that you may adjust rules or make exceptions and that is okay.

 

00;00;26;12 – 00;00;54;05

Dr. Mona

Should you completely ignore guidelines and recommendations? No, but can there be some moderation in things like screens and sugar, as long as you’re balancing overall health and development? Yes there can. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for tuning in each and every week. It means so much to read your reviews and ratings, so don’t forget to do that if you have not already or even update your ratings, because that is how the podcast continues to grow.

 

00;00;54;08 – 00;01;17;29

Dr. Mona

On this solo episode, I am doing a little Monday motivation, chatting about five things I hear parents feel bad about, but they shouldn’t and to be honest, this list can likely be even longer than five things. But I just wanted to talk about these first five things that come to mind that encompass things I just really want you to let go of guilt self shame, all of that because I want to remind you that you’re doing amazing.

 

00;01;18;02 – 00;01;42;07

Dr. Mona

So let’s get into it. The first one I want to chat about is not following all of the recommendations all the time. And listen, I agree, safety is important and it’s important to know the recommendations and why behind safety recommendations and development recommendations, health recommendations and proceed to make the best choices for your family. Understanding the recommendations, risks and benefits.

 

00;01;42;09 – 00;02;00;19

Dr. Mona

Listen to the experts on this and have conversations, because everything in the end of the day can be judged. Even within safe sleep, there are some people who go to an extreme and shame others who may do one thing off or, you know, one thing is not picture perfect. Yet that family is looking at safe sleep as a whole.

 

00;02;00;21 – 00;02;22;24

Dr. Mona

So talking about development stuff. So screen time and then we’ll talk about sugar intake as well. It is 100% important to know the developmental and nutritional impacts of leaning too heavily on screens or too much added sugar in a child’s diet, but a happy medium can exist. Let’s talk about screen time. So the recommendations for screen time is 0 to 18 months of age.

 

00;02;22;27 – 00;02;44;14

Dr. Mona

No screen time except for video chatting with loved ones 18 months to two years. One hour. But watching. So you’re watching with your child over two years of age to five years of age, 0 to 3 hours. So you can do none, or you can do one hour on the weekdays and three hours on weekends. So I think it’s very important to balance other activities when it comes to screen time.

 

00;02;44;16 – 00;03;09;18

Dr. Mona

This is important to balance visual health. So remember that too much close work which includes tablets, iPads, phones without breaks is actually not great for the eyes. I actually had an episode about visual health and screens. Also, it’s important to balance language development and other priorities like sleep face to face activities with a caregiver. I respect the importance of all of these things, and as a pediatrician mom myself, we balance these things.

 

00;03;09;18 – 00;03;26;00

Dr. Mona

You know, if our son had a great day in the morning playing outside, no screens, maybe we’re going to lean in on having a little more screen time in the afternoon. But if all day, every day he’s watching the screen, we’re going to say, it’s probably too much. We need to really turn the screen off, do other activities.

 

00;03;26;02 – 00;03;46;21

Dr. Mona

But I myself know the rules and have tweaked based on development. When we saw our son having joint attention. So under one year of age, but really more so that 1314 month old, he was pointing to things. He was starting to see words. And we began coaching. So according to the recommendations, he was 0 to 18 months. We should not be watching TV except for video chatting.

 

00;03;46;25 – 00;04;12;21

Dr. Mona

But we started to coach early. We realized that the recommendations are there, but can we tweak this based on what makes sense for our child’s development? Balancing all the other things, right? What are those other things that I need you to prioritize when it comes to screens, sleep, interactions with us uninterrupted. And also we watch screens on our larger device and smaller to protect visual health decisions.

 

00;04;12;21 – 00;04;32;18

Dr. Mona

We have made understanding child development and the big picture. And that is what I hope that you all do. Going into sugar intake. So I do believe sugar intake is something we should also watch when it comes to added sugar. Added sugar are things that we add. So for example like you go to the store and buy, you know, granola bars and you look at the package and it says added sugars eight grams.

 

00;04;32;18 – 00;04;50;13

Dr. Mona

Some things have a lot of sugar that is added too much added sugar does impact our health. And I think this is clear to say no one’s going to lie to you. But yes, too much is not great. It can lead to heart disease, diabetes. The recommendation is under two. We should not have any added sugars and so that means nothing but naturally occurring sugars.

 

00;04;50;13 – 00;05;11;27

Dr. Mona

Remember, fruit is a naturally occurring sugar. It has fiber other nutrients. That kind of bypass and counteract the sugar content. So we’re talking about added sugars over two years of age. The recommendation is 25g which is about six teaspoons of added sugar per day. Remember that added sugar refers to processed sugars, not naturally occurring sugars like fruits like I mentioned.

 

00;05;12;01 – 00;05;28;08

Dr. Mona

So now knowing these rules, you have a one year old who is meeting that recommendation of no added sugar, okay, who has a birthday party and a smash cake and you’re deciding what kind of smash cake am I going to do? Am I going to do it? One sugar, one what not? And you want to put added sugar in it because cakes taste good with sugar.

 

00;05;28;08 – 00;05;45;25

Dr. Mona

I mean, let’s be honest. Is your one year old going to go down a path of being addicted to sugar if they eat that cake? If you’re 18 month old, goes to a birthday party and has a cupcake, is this giving them a lifetime of sugar addiction and unhealthy habits? No, it’s about taking the recommendation. It’s about balance.

 

00;05;45;27 – 00;06;05;26

Dr. Mona

It’s about understanding the big picture, knowing that added sugar can be in our life. But to create balance with other foods, I personally do look at added sugars when I buy cereals for Ryan and also snack bars aiming to keep each serving under seven grams of added sugars. This is important to me because I don’t want it to become where he’s getting so much added sugar, which I said is a balance.

 

00;06;05;29 – 00;06;30;01

Dr. Mona

But I know that if he goes to a party and has something with more added sugar, or one day he’s having more added sugar than we normally would, it’s okay. It’s balance. It’s moderation. It’s understanding the big picture. So much of information out there are recommendations, recommendations I hope you listen to. But you can make rules based on these recommendations.

 

00;06;30;03 – 00;06;54;19

Dr. Mona

They’re not set in stone and you can be flexible if you want to know the best recommendations for health, safety and development for kids and make the choices that make sense. Understanding that you may adjust rules or make exceptions and that is okay. Should you completely ignore guidelines and recommendations? No. But can there be some moderation in things like screens and sugar?

 

00;06;54;19 – 00;07;15;21

Dr. Mona

As long as you’re balancing overall health and development, yes, there can be. The next thing we’re talking about is Instagram worthy play areas, activities and meals. I love social media, but I do believe it has caused our generation to be obsessed with perfection and caused unhealthy comparison. So I’m on a mission to remind you that you have to be careful on what you consume on social.

 

00;07;15;24 – 00;07;35;03

Dr. Mona

Make sure to listen to my episode five Ways Social Media Affects Our Parental Mental Health and How to Bring Back Peace. Because I talk all about the love and hate of social media on that episode. On social media you will find so many amazing ideas, activities, meals, play spaces, etc. but just a reminder that you do not have to do everything everywhere all at once.

 

00;07;35;03 – 00;07;59;17

Dr. Mona

Yes, it’s a reference to the Oscars because I recorded this right after that, but you have to pick and choose what’s important to you. Or most important, or maybe nothing is important and that’s okay. As a parent, you can’t do everything, and sometimes social media can make you feel lesser than that. You have to buy these things that you have to do this thing that you have to make your play area look like add on a showcase, like you feel these needs to do these things to keep up with the Joneses on social.

 

00;07;59;24 – 00;08;21;21

Dr. Mona

But remember, fancy things are not needed. Our kids don’t know fancy, they don’t care about fancy, they just care about you. So you have to create balance by not becoming overwhelmed with all the perfection you see in real life, but also on social media. And it’s happening more on social because you are following many different people. Everyone seems perfect, everyone sharing their highlight reel and it can be overwhelming.

 

00;08;21;27 – 00;08;42;23

Dr. Mona

Do these things you know the play areas, meals, activities. Do them because it makes you happy. You have the time or money to do it. You have resources and most importantly, you want to do it. But not because someone on social is doing it or you feel you would be an inferior parent if you don’t. Number three is having to take care of routine, chores, life, all of that.

 

00;08;42;25 – 00;09;01;22

Dr. Mona

I get it. We want to create balance here. I don’t think it’s healthy for us to completely do everything that we need to do around the house and not have playtime for the kid or child centered activity, but chores and tasks are part of being a parent. And for some who work full time, sometimes these chores and tasks will happen with your child, and your kid is not being deprived of a childhood.

 

00;09;01;22 – 00;09;24;04

Dr. Mona

If you have to take them with you to run an errand at a grocery store, yes, you will have playtime for them. But time with you running errands can actually turn out to be a fun bonding or learning experience for them, like taking them to the grocery store. I get it that it can be harder to do this, but some of us, you know, I work full time and I take Ryan to all my errands now, it’s important for me not because I don’t want to do that on my days off.

 

00;09;24;04 – 00;09;43;15

Dr. Mona

When he’s at school, I want to do other things for me or for my business or for my passion. So I’ll take him and he loves it. He’s like, mommy, we go to target mommy, we go to Publix, which is our local grocery store, and he learns about food. He learns about how I interact with the teller or how I interact with you know, at the time at the bank or how I interact with people at the grocery store.

 

00;09;43;19 – 00;10;02;00

Dr. Mona

He learned so much by watching me do all the things that we do as adults. Is that what we do every day when he is off? No. We play. We have stuff planned for him, but errands and chores and stuff is part of life. There is a lot of guilt surrounding doing chores with your kid or around your kid.

 

00;10;02;02 – 00;10;21;02

Dr. Mona

And look, I said this. I want them to have kid centered activities. It’s important. Like we can’t just do everything for ourselves. But I remember having fond memories going with my dad to Home Depot or with my mom to the grocery store, our clothes shopping with her. And this happened because one, they had to take us, they had to run errands and we had to go with them.

 

00;10;21;04 – 00;10;42;08

Dr. Mona

So don’t beat yourself up over routine, over chores, over life. Do I wish every parent can have help so that they can do these things less, and that we could be more spontaneous with our children? Yes, but remember, these activities are part of your life and they may involve your kiddo too. And when mixed with other activities, all of these things teach our children about responsibility.

 

00;10;42;08 – 00;10;59;01

Dr. Mona

It teaches them about joint tasks. It teaches them that the things that have to get done in the family, and it can open their eyes to new things, like I said, different foods at the grocery store or other things that happen to make the family continue to run. So drop the guilt that you have to do certain things.

 

00;10;59;03 – 00;11;14;15

Dr. Mona

Like I said, when Ryan is home on the weekends, you know he goes to preschool full time in the weekdays. That is when I work on Pizza touch stuff clinically, my husband works and we do have protected time. You know, sometimes I have to do work, but it is time where we say, we got to go run an errand.

 

00;11;14;20 – 00;11;38;17

Dr. Mona

You’re going to come with us and we build it up. And he gets so excited now. And when the weekends approaching, he now asks, mommy, we go to target and I’m like, no, sweetie, this weekend we’re not going to target. This weekend, we’re going to the beach. But it becomes such a normal thing to him that he understands that we’re going to have fun and play, but we also will have, from time to time, take care of some things for the family, and it teaches them so much about human relationships, about responsibility.

 

00;11;38;17 – 00;12;02;26

Dr. Mona

Like I mentioned, number four of the five things I hear parents feel bad about, but I don’t want you to is not knowing what to do all the time. What I love most about parenting is figuring it out. Yes, I understand development psychology behavior, but even for me it’s about looking at a situation and maybe not knowing what to do all the time and being okay with that and pivoting and troubleshooting.

 

00;12;02;26 – 00;12;27;03

Dr. Mona

And I think so much of learning and parenting is there not knowing exactly what to do, not reading about it anywhere, but having a general framework of your parenting goals and using that to guide decision making and parenting is not about having scripts. I understand how useful reading scripts can be, and I have resources that I created that go over scripts, and I think it’s valuable.

 

00;12;27;05 – 00;12;46;08

Dr. Mona

But I also don’t want you to feel that you’re seeing the wrong thing all the time, and that you feel like that script is not natural for you. It’s sometimes okay not knowing what to say, and that’s fine, right? You may mess up, but that is sort of what parents and parenting is all about. Realizing you may want to change, have a do over and pivot.

 

00;12;46;11 – 00;13;10;05

Dr. Mona

It’s about repairing, apologizing, and growing. And I think when you realize that you let go of guilt, shame, and self pressure to always do the right things and check all the check boxes. I also hope that Pete’s doctor can continue to be a source of balance. You know, I take the recommendations and child health and development and give you all the info, but remind you of balance and balance as possible, which is important for our mental health and also make you feel like, you know what?

 

00;13;10;08 – 00;13;29;07

Dr. Mona

I do know what I’m doing. I’m learning and doing amazing. And it’s okay if I don’t know everything all the time. The last one, which I hear a lot from especially moms, is when they feel bad about taking care of themselves or taking time for themselves. There’s so much we feel bad about as parents, and taking care of yourself shouldn’t be one of those things.

 

00;13;29;09 – 00;13;50;28

Dr. Mona

Listen, we need help. We need time for ourself. You know, I’ve watched a lot of people I love become martyrs in motherhood. I’ve watched my sister, close friends, loved ones refuse help when they have it. They say I have to do it all. I feel like I have to do it all. And those same people look back at their early motherhood years and say, I wish I allowed help more.

 

00;13;51;00 – 00;14;13;18

Dr. Mona

I wish I let go of control more. Please, we cannot do this alone. And I always imagine what my mothering experience would have been like had we not had a traumatic delivery with Ryan, but because of the traumatic delivery, I was forced to let go of control. I was forced to let people help me, and in many ways it made me realize because I had to happen, that that was amazing for us, that I didn’t have to do it all, that this was great.

 

00;14;13;18 – 00;14;31;07

Dr. Mona

And sometimes it’ll take you experiencing it for you to realize that your child will be okay, you will be okay, and you will still be bonded to your child. And the reality is, sometimes help isn’t there. But when it is, I want us to embrace it. I respect that some women refuse to ask for help because maybe you don’t need it, and that’s respectful.

 

00;14;31;07 – 00;14;49;02

Dr. Mona

And I get that. Or maybe you don’t ask for help or want the help because of anxiety. Like postpartum anxiety, that this can prohibit you from trusting others to care for your child or worry about your child. But if that’s happening, I need you to really remember to think about your mental health. Think about what support you really need to feel like yourself.

 

00;14;49;05 – 00;15;04;21

Dr. Mona

If it means you don’t leave your child, that is fine. I’m not asking us to separate mothers and children and you need the help. And why are you doing it? I’m just asking you to have insight. Because it’s okay for you to take that break and take that moment, but you do not have to sacrifice yourself for your child.

 

00;15;04;23 – 00;15;26;08

Dr. Mona

It’s a reality that, of course, our children take up a large time, mental space and even physical aspect of our lives. But we have to accept help when we have it. If you’re really struggling, you got to search for the help. Whether it’s a partner talking to your partner about paid help, flying someone in, you got to utilize your system and your community here.

 

00;15;26;11 – 00;15;47;19

Dr. Mona

This help can also be to not just take care of the child. Like I’ve talked to moms who do not want anyone else taking care of their kid, whether that’s from personal choice anxiety. It doesn’t matter to me where it’s coming from, but you don’t have to have people help you with your kid. Sometimes it can me that that person can help you with cleaning bottles or making food, or helping with dishes or running an errand for you.

 

00;15;47;25 – 00;16;12;11

Dr. Mona

This is about having people help you, how you need to be helped, not demanding that they help you. In the way that I’m saying it on this episode, it doesn’t matter how that person is helping, but I just want you to have some more mental peace, because the more pockets of time that you treat and that pocket of time is not only actual time of the clock, but mental space as well, you create more space and time for you and this will bring you peace.

 

00;16;12;14 – 00;16;33;22

Dr. Mona

More time for you to feel like yourself again. And you will. Your mental health radiate in a home? And we have to take care of you and your mental health matters to you and your child, and I want to protect that at all cost. So don’t feel bad about taking care of yourself. So there you have it. Five things I hear parents feel bad about.

 

00;16;33;22 – 00;16;56;07

Dr. Mona

But they shouldn’t. And I could have done even more. But it was a short and sweet episode. Make sure you leave a review if you love this episode and share it on social media. Don’t forget to do that. Share with a loved one. The PedsDocTalk Podcast is a top 50 parenting podcast. Sometimes we hit the top ten, top 20, but I really want this podcast to continue to grow and you are involved in that success.

 

00;16;56;09 – 00;17;15;14

Dr. Mona

As a reminder, I will be going to only Wednesday episodes mid-May to create more balance when our baby girl is born. Yes, baby girl, if you don’t know already, you’re hearing it first here before social media. Thanks for joining me and I can’t wait for more amazing episodes coming your way on the show. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode.

 

00;17;15;14 – 00;17;29;00

Dr. Mona

As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.