The Finding Joy Series on this podcast is where I talk about finding peace amidst chaos, reframing tough life choices, and navigating difficult times we go through as parents (especially as mothers).

On this episode, I talk about my feelings: nerves, excitement, and worry being pregnant with our IVF baby after having a traumatic delivery in 2019. I discuss:

• The common mix-bag of emotions felt during pregnancy
• How I’ve navigated my mental health during this process
• The very normal and oftentimes not-talked about feelings being pregnant with a child already and having a career

For my son’s birth story:https://pedsdoctalk.com/ryaans-birth-story/
For more on our IVF journey visit my YT channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx2hGbeaOvy8P5m357V3gBw

00;00;01;00 – 00;00;24;27

Dr. Mona

Can I guarantee that I’ll have a healthy pregnancy? Can I 100% guarantee that it’ll be a seamless delivery and recovery? Absolutely not. But I’ve also learned over the last three years since my son was born and we navigated a pandemic, that nothing in life can be planned 100%. Nothing is guaranteed. And the only thing I can control is how I approach it.

 

00;00;24;29 – 00;00;48;18

Dr. Mona

Who I choose to surround myself with, to support me if I need it. And taking care of myself and my mental health. Hello and welcome back to the show. I am Doctor Mona and this is a finding Joy episode where I talk about finding peace and joy amidst chaos. Reframing tough life choices or navigating those difficult times as parents, especially as mothers.

 

00;00;48;21 – 00;01;06;29

Dr. Mona

If you love this podcast, make sure you leave a review. Share it on social media. Tag me in it on Instagram. It means so much to me to see how much you love the show, but also when you do that, it helps the podcast grow and we’ve had such a great 2022, and I can’t wait to see what 2023 has in store for us.

 

00;01;07;02 – 00;01;28;29

Dr. Mona

I am finally happy to share with this podcast community that I am pregnant. After two years of fertility monitoring, treatments and IVF, we are expecting our baby who is due two years to the date of my first appointment with my fertility doctor. Two years to the day. I couldn’t even believe that I was going through our entire story.

 

00;01;29;05 – 00;01;50;07

Dr. Mona

And I look back and I was like, wait. Our baby’s due date is the same day that I had the initial appointment with my fertility doctor back in 2021, and baby’s coming June of 2023, the same date. I am just shocked. So it’s very exciting. I’m so happy to share that with the world now. People on my Instagram know on my YouTube channel are aware.

 

00;01;50;13 – 00;02;11;25

Dr. Mona

And now I get to share with this podcast community. So thank you so so much. Don’t forget that I share bits and pieces of our IVF journey fertility journey on my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV, with a few vlogs already on the process. What brought us to start IVF? Our embryo transfer and I will continue to share vlogs there as I go through this pregnancy.

 

00;02;12;02 – 00;02;27;23

Dr. Mona

It’s actually been a lot of fun to record these vlogs and not release it until it’s all kind of combined and just documented, so that I can also look back at it as I go through this process and as our baby also gets older. So the big question people have already asked is, is it a boy or girl?

 

00;02;27;24 – 00;02;45;17

Dr. Mona

Everyone wants to know this, and that’s going to come eventually. But I also wanted to go over the other common questions I’ve been getting, which is how are you feeling? Are you nervous being pregnant after birth? Trauma. How is your mental health? Tell us everything. Tell us how you’re doing. So on this episode, I’m talking about those big feelings.

 

00;02;45;17 – 00;03;05;27

Dr. Mona

The nerves, the excitement, the duality of emotions that I’ve been feeling throughout this entire journey, and also finally being pregnant after what feels like so long. And I know a lot of my IVF warriors can attest to this. Wherever you are in your journey. It’s a very grueling process, emotionally draining. The ups and downs are like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

 

00;03;05;29 – 00;03;23;13

Dr. Mona

I do not want to compare birth trauma to IVF, but with dramatic delivery it happened. I had to recover from that. I had to heal from that. But with IVF it is just felt like two years of a roller coaster. Two years of feeling like, okay, we’re going to get this and then we’re not, and then we’re going to get this.

 

00;03;23;13 – 00;03;46;13

Dr. Mona

And then canceled transfers and so many different things were happening. So it is a journey, this IVF journey. And on this episode, like I mentioned, I’m going to be going over the excitement, the worry, the anticipation that can fill us when we’re pregnant, but also when we’re pregnant with IVF after birth trauma, which is a very nuanced and specific situation that you may not find yourself in, and I hope you never do.

 

00;03;46;16 – 00;04;05;16

Dr. Mona

But if you are there or if you ever find yourself there, I hope that this episode will resonate. And I really think it’s going to resonate. Even if you haven’t been in that situation and you’ve ever just expected a baby, have been pregnant, and are a parent, first of all, how am I feeling? Oh, loaded question. I am feeling so, so grateful.

 

00;04;05;18 – 00;04;28;29

Dr. Mona

But I also have been feeling exhausted and nauseous, especially in that first trimester and so fatigued. My first trimester was really different than Ryaan. You know, with Ryaan I had minimal nausea, was still able to go to workouts in the afternoon. I had food aversions, but in this pregnancy, I have felt sick from 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. for 6 to 8 weeks straight in the first trimester.

 

00;04;28;29 – 00;04;50;00

Dr. Mona

I was also incredibly fatigued where I would wake up and I just feel like I needed to sleep, which was just so hard to do with a toddler and life and work and obligations. It just felt exhausting. And I was on meds. I took unison and B6 for the nausea. It really at some point didn’t help at all, and I thought about needing diligence.

 

00;04;50;00 – 00;05;11;03

Dr. Mona

I thought about what I should do. I wasn’t vomiting, but I was just so nauseous and I also had to do injections in that first trimester. I’m still actually on love an ox at the time of this recording, but I had to do Lovin Ox injections at night, as well as progesterone and oil injections in the morning. And if you have done IVF, you know how taxing it can be.

 

00;05;11;05 – 00;05;31;11

Dr. Mona

Waking up and injecting my butt for 12 weeks and then my abdomen and evenings it actually took an emotional toll on me, especially with the hormones of the pregnancy. I just felt tired all the time I was nauseous, I’d have to wake up, do the injection, get my son ready for school, do all this stuff. And I just felt tired and drained so I couldn’t eat.

 

00;05;31;14 – 00;05;48;19

Dr. Mona

I was tired, I wanted to throw up, but I couldn’t. All the remedies that I was using for nausea, ginger, choose that I would like. Cut up fresh raw ginger help for a little bit. Saltine crackers would help hold me over. I’d smell a little alcohol swab pack just to help with the nausea, but it would just keep coming back.

 

00;05;48;22 – 00;06;13;17

Dr. Mona

And I also just felt exhausted. And I developed rashes, bruising from all of the injections. So basically I felt super sexy and it was just split feeling of being so, so grateful for why I’m in this stage. I mean, I’m having all these symptoms and having to do all this because I’m pregnant and I’m so grateful that our one embryo stuck, but also simultaneously wanting the phase to be over.

 

00;06;13;17 – 00;06;33;14

Dr. Mona

And it felt endless. I also got viral bronchitis around the same time. The nausea was bad, so pretty much Halloween, which was October 31st till mid December, was really hard for me. It was tough. I actually went into a little bit of a funk during that time. I wouldn’t call it depression, but I was in a lot of tears.

 

00;06;33;14 – 00;06;56;28

Dr. Mona

A lot of when will this end? And what if it’s like this the entire pregnancy? And then I just remember the moment that this is now, I can’t control how my pregnancy is going to be for the rest of the entire duration. I don’t know how the delivery will go. Nothing is in my control outside of this current moment and taking care of myself, leaning in on the rest whenever I could.

 

00;06;57;01 – 00;07;13;00

Dr. Mona

And then I had to cancel a lot of partnerships and recordings content for PDT, which you all probably didn’t even realize because the creator myself kind of more than the consumer, right? We are on the side being like, well, I’m not going to able to post this and do this, but you all are like, okay, I just didn’t see anything from her.

 

00;07;13;02 – 00;07;46;00

Dr. Mona

It was just a really kind of balancing time, and I am just so grateful that I had some help. I mentioned on my Instagram that we had a nanny for Ryan for three months. I call her Auntie. She was also Ryan’s nanny for a few months back in 2021 and it was truly divine timing. She happened to be available October through December, which coincided with my first trimester, so hello fate, I think so she could not work past December and she came into our life after the transfer.

 

00;07;46;03 – 00;08;06;20

Dr. Mona

So I really, really leaned in on that luck of fate and also gratitude of being in the stage with our one embryo to kind of get through those initial feelings of, this really, really is hard, but I’m so grateful. If you ever find yourself feeling the duality of feelings, gratitude, but also discomfort, know that the feelings are normal.

 

00;08;06;23 – 00;08;38;17

Dr. Mona

I never once felt that it took away from my appreciation for where we are at that moment, but it did take some moments of telling myself that this is going to pass. Control what you can to move through it, and that now I’m in my second trimester and feeling so much better. Minus the heartburn, which is a story for another time in terms of nerves about being pregnant after all I went through, you know, the traumatic delivery in December of 2019 and then IVF, I made the active decision to go to therapy before I got pregnant.

 

00;08;38;19 – 00;09;03;26

Dr. Mona

I made this decision in September of last year after a transfer cycle got canceled in August. You know, it was all one embryo. You’re prepping everything and then it got canceled. I explain more on my YouTube channel about what happened, but I felt hopeless. I felt dejected, and I realized I’m going to need the support whether I get pregnant or not, whether this actually works and our embryo does transfer or not, I’m going to need that support system.

 

00;09;03;28 – 00;09;25;24

Dr. Mona

So I saw my therapist once a month, and starting this year I moved to twice a month. And I’ve always been very pro therapy. As many of you know my story, when Ryan was eight months, I developed postpartum depression and I ended up on Lexapro. I saw a therapist and it really helped me. I was on meds for six months, therapist for about eight nine months and things got better.

 

00;09;25;28 – 00;09;41;14

Dr. Mona

My mindfulness practice got better, my coping got better, and things have been good. But I know that I had it last time and I was like, look, I want to make sure I’m ahead of this. I have had a traumatic delivery. I’ve gone through the stress of IVF and just the stress of adding another child to our life.

 

00;09;41;17 – 00;10;00;25

Dr. Mona

I just wanted to stay on top of it with support. So it’s been such a great experience, and it helps to have someone who knows little about you. Obviously she gets to know me through the therapy sessions. Give me guidance on my feelings and validation. But to answer that question, you know, I do have nerves. A lot of my nerves came from disbelief.

 

00;10;01;00 – 00;10;22;08

Dr. Mona

Seeing an embryo on a picture and in a test tube, and then realizing that they transfer that and it’s growing inside me to be a baby. It boggles my mind. Even as a physician, like, even now, I’ll be like thinking I’m like, wow, that baby was in a test tube or on ice is what we call it. Our baby was on ice in Miami and we were just waiting for the transfer.

 

00;10;22;08 – 00;10;39;28

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, wow, it’s just fascinating. I surprisingly have less anxiety with this pregnancy than with Ryan. With Ryan, I just had a lot of anxiety because I didn’t have a lot of symptoms early on, so I thought that there would be something wrong, like, why am I not having any of the common symptoms? I had very mild nausea.

 

00;10;40;04 – 00;10;57;09

Dr. Mona

I mean, looking back, I’m so grateful for that. Having the experience I have now. But with this pregnancy, I had the nausea, the fatigue. It made me more reassured that, okay, the baby was growing, causing me to have these symptoms. And with Ryan it was like, oh, is he in there? I did carry some degree of nerves through the anatomy scan in this pregnancy, you know.

 

00;10;57;09 – 00;11;30;10

Dr. Mona

Is this baby developing okay? Can this baby, this embryo baby, is everything fine? Is it okay? And there are anatomy scan was about two weeks prior to the recording of this episode and everything went great. You know, I watched as they went through everything. If you have not had an anatomy scan, it’s like an hour visit or more where they look at everything the feet, the hands, the palate of the mouth, the head, the brain they’re looking at all over the body just to see if there’s anything that’s anatomically a concern that would warrant more evaluation, more monitoring.

 

00;11;30;10 – 00;11;53;15

Dr. Mona

And I’m very grateful that it all went well. I also had nerves about my body being able to carry another baby. I still remember talking to another IVF family in my office who they got pregnant via IVF and they had a traumatic delivery. They still have an infant, but the thought on their mind, if they were to have another baby in the future was the same thought on my mind.

 

00;11;53;22 – 00;12;14;24

Dr. Mona

Having gone through what we did with Ryan, how can I trust my body to carry a baby again? Is my uterus okay after all the manipulation and surgeries, is my belly going to be able to grow like, is everything okay after all the trauma, physical and emotionally, but physically? Is my body capable for this? It was about letting go.

 

00;12;14;27 – 00;12;48;29

Dr. Mona

It’s about trusting and believing that my body got me to the stage and will carry on. That my body had time to heal over the last two years, and whenever I feel scared or nervous, I just think my body. I thank you for healing. I thank you for keeping me safe. I thank you for giving me another chance to carry a baby again after what happened at Ryan’s delivery, and this gratitude towards my body helps calm me and makes me stay in the moment of what I have going on now, 21 weeks at the time of this recording and creating new life.

 

00;12;49;02 – 00;13;06;22

Dr. Mona

After almost losing mine and my son three years ago. And it’s the same gratitude that helped me through the IVF process, which I’ve talked about on my YouTube channel. Whenever I was feeling like this isn’t going to work, that how can this happen again for us? I would just think my body, when I transfer that embryo, I thank my body.

 

00;13;06;22 – 00;13;27;09

Dr. Mona

I said, I’m ready to receive this baby. Thank you for all you’ve done for me. Thank you for healing and that gratitude towards the vehicle that has caused us to live our life, which is our body, is so valuable. People have asked if I fear what happened to me and Ryan will happen again. How do I overcome the birth trauma fear?

 

00;13;27;11 – 00;13;49;28

Dr. Mona

To be honest, I did a lot of healing on my own and with mindfulness and therapy around the time of my trauma that I think greatly helped me. And I feel like anyone who has gone through a traumatic incident, whether it’s birth, trauma or something else, and you are the one who defines what trauma is, I’ve always felt like it’s important to look at all of those things when it happens and not dismiss it, because sometimes that trauma can show up later on in your life.

 

00;13;49;28 – 00;14;13;20

Dr. Mona

Two years later, three years later. And so that work is really important. A lot of it was going back to having gratitude for being pregnant and my body, like I mentioned, and hope and trust in a new doctor and care team who understands what happened to us. Can I guarantee that I’ll have a healthy pregnancy? Can I 100% guarantee that it’ll be a seamless delivery and recovery?

 

00;14;13;22 – 00;14;36;10

Dr. Mona

Absolutely not. But I’ve also learned over the last three years since my son was born and we navigated a pandemic, that nothing in life can be planned 100%. Nothing is guaranteed, and the only thing I can control is how I approach it, who I choose to surround myself with, to support me if I need it, and taking care of myself and my mental health.

 

00;14;36;13 – 00;14;56;20

Dr. Mona

Overall, my mental health is okay. I have feelings of nerves. I have feelings of excitement. My husbands actually struggling with some anxiety and depression at the moment as well. And it’s been a struggle for us to be honest. A lot of it has to do with other reasons, but it’s not that happy, joyous. We have a baby time that I was hoping for it to be, and that’s okay.

 

00;14;56;27 – 00;15;14;14

Dr. Mona

You know, with IVF, you know what you’re doing, right? The transfer means that there’s a chance of pregnancy and hope of pregnancy, but when it happens, you do get a sense of, wow, is this really happening? And that kind of rocked our world a little bit more. So my husband, surprisingly than me, I was like, ready, I knew.

 

00;15;14;14 – 00;15;34;12

Dr. Mona

But for him he was like, wait, this actually is working? Because for two years we were struggling to get pregnant. You know that normal feelings, they start coming in. Are we ready for two? We have no help here. What are we going to do? We’re in a three bedroom townhouse. How will we have space for our second child’s toys and items and all the stuff that we need will just be enough for us.

 

00;15;34;14 – 00;15;56;27

Dr. Mona

How will I continue my business? Petscop talk with two children and no childcare help. These thoughts have crossed my mind many times and sometimes they’ve consumed me to tears. I have a lot of dreams for Stockport that have blossomed this year, and recognize that by adding another child, those dreams may need a temporary pause. It doesn’t mean that they can’t happen sometimes.

 

00;15;56;27 – 00;16;18;28

Dr. Mona

As a woman who has professional dreams, this conflict can feel unfair or uncomfortable. But I’ve really started to look at it as something not being taken away from me. I look at this as furthering my dreams as a whole. Yes, with the addition of a second baby, our life will be way more chaotic, especially in that first six months to a year with sleep rhythms and schedules.

 

00;16;19;01 – 00;16;40;02

Dr. Mona

I will have to say no to a lot more personal and professional opportunities. But it also means that we’re here. We have our children, something that we’ve wanted for a very long time. As we celebrate the arrival of our baby in June, we as a family are also dealing with big life choices, namely where to ultimately settle down.

 

00;16;40;09 – 00;16;58;04

Dr. Mona

We have been in Florida for six years, but we’re deciding if this is our forever home or if a move out of state is in the stars. Big decisions right now, around the time our baby is due, and our lease for our rental ends May 31st, right around the time the baby is due and the market is still wild.

 

00;16;58;04 – 00;17;17;24

Dr. Mona

So there’s just so much uncertainty of where are we going to live, which home are we going to be in, where are we welcoming this new baby? And I think for many people, when they welcomed their first or second or any child, and there’s that lack of stability and external factors like maybe your career or your life, where are you living support system?

 

00;17;17;27 – 00;17;40;13

Dr. Mona

It can make things feel a little more uneasy. And that’s where we’re actually at right now. But I also know that when this new baby comes, whether you have a baby, your first baby, second baby, it doesn’t matter. Many of us grapple with these choices and these thoughts, and I do believe it’s going to work out. I know sometimes that phrase can seem dismissive, like it’s going to work out, and doesn’t mean that we’re not actively trying to figure out what to do.

 

00;17;40;13 – 00;17;53;08

Dr. Mona

But like I said, sometimes we have to just let go of control and say, hey, look, we’re going to do what we can. We’re going to play it by ear in terms of what can we do at this moment, what can I do in the next three months? Figure out the market. But sometimes we just can’t control everything.

 

00;17;53;08 – 00;18;15;13

Dr. Mona

And that’s okay. If you are listening to this and you too have grappled with all the feels in pregnancy, I hope you know that you’re not alone. Excitement, worry. Uncertainty. Gratitude. All these feelings beautifully exist together in so many of us as we embark on this new journey. I am mostly excited, but yes, I’m nervous. I’m nervous about the change.

 

00;18;15;18 – 00;18;32;02

Dr. Mona

When people say, oh, we had a second one. Like, it’s been so tough. It’s like a been a wild ride. You know? I have to remember that. Yes, it’s going to be like that. It’s not going to be like it is right now. Ryan is three and there’s a lot of independence. He can go to the bathroom on his own and then call me when he’s done.

 

00;18;32;08 – 00;18;49;19

Dr. Mona

He can get his own stuff from the fridge by using a stool. He can get on a stool and wash his hands. I mean, there’s a lot of independence and that reality that, wow, now I have to add a baby and all the infant stuff, the feeding, the sleep, all of that. It just seems like this is a wild journey that we’re adding on.

 

00;18;49;19 – 00;19;16;20

Dr. Mona

But I’m really excited about it. Whenever I feel like I won’t be able to do this, manage to kids, my spouse, personal dreams, all of it. I remember that we are constantly in shifting seasons of our life. In some seasons, something else will take a priority and in other seasons those priorities may change. And I also know amazing women, both in real life and on this platform, who are actively finding peace and joy in their new season that they are as mothers.

 

00;19;16;20 – 00;19;43;05

Dr. Mona

And that does give me a lot of peace knowing that I’m not alone, knowing that I have this amazing community here on this show, as well as my YouTube channel and my Instagram brings me a lot of joy. Make sure you leave a review for this podcast so that it continues to grow. Don’t forget to check out my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV and subscribe there for updates where I share so much about our journey through IVF and also now through my pregnancy.

 

00;19;43;08 – 00;20;01;07

Dr. Mona

And I cannot wait to share more with you all on these finding Joy episodes, and also through my YouTube channel as well in regards to how this pregnancy is going. And I’ll talk to you all next week. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media.

 

00;20;01;09 – 00;20;09;03

Dr. Mona

Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.